Writefags' Guild

>>29516003
Tips and links:

Writefags' Guild Discord Chat: https://discord.gg/XNM2tVS

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>29516004
Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

>>29516008
I never noticed before that labeling (OP) overrides labeling (You).

I guess since I don't start many threads?

Anyways, I figured it'd be convenient to have this up again on the off chance people want advice or feedback.

>Last thread we discovered the magic of writing snippets of prose or poetry with "bump" in the last thread to keep this resource alive.

>We are also still accepting music bumps.


>>29474381
>I was reading through another thread and followed an author's pastebin link, then poked around their other stories until I found one with an interesting premise and OK start but, imho, an underdeveloped plot and crap ending. Now I kinda want to rewrite & expand it.

>Okee-dokee or severe faux pas?

As far as I've seen as long as the author isn't currently active and posting green, most people are cool with it. If they are active find them and ask.
But this is 4chins, you'll get REEs whatever you do.

>>29516003
Soccer murders.

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>>29516003
Good job, Anon. I'm about to need the thread.

>>29516512
oh boy

I'll save this from page 9 because I've been up all night and now I'm going to sleep.

Is that Anon with the ask-blog still around? If so, post it. I'll take a look at it tonight, and give you some feedback

Bump with a brand-new track from my favorite EDM artist of all time. Dude's still relatively undiscovered but has more skill and quality than pretty much any other artist out there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui9GnVC-jfw

Hey, guys, I need some help.
http://pastebin.com/3rykZGEX
Link related is the story I'm working on. I've concluded the story, but I'm still beefing the green up here and there. However, I've reached a point where I need some reader input. There are three main issues that I worry about.
1) Dialogue - Always been a weakness of mine.
2) I've got a bunch of shorter segments in this piece, and I'm wondering if maybe they're too short.
3) I tremendously rushed the ending initially. I've added some already, but it needs more, and I'd like your insights on that.

Of course, any other feedback and pointers are as welcome as ever.

>Well the posts start coming and they don't stop coming
>Fed to the rules and I hit the board gunning
>Didn't make sense not to post for fun
>Your text gets smart and your thread gets bumped

Goodnight

>Look! Up in the Net! It's a shitposter!
>It's a writefag!
>It's a bump!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjo260FsFws

My 80k word green should be done by the end of the week. Little guy, you already critiqued it about halfway through, but the full story will probably need another run-through. Just a heads-up that next weekend or sooner I'll probably have something for you or anyone else to go through.

>>29520367
I read through it, I'll give you some thoughts tomorrow.

I can't believe how little time I've had for pony lately.
It isn't just sadness that I'll be out of it soon.
I haven't been writing, reading green, or posting on the board as much either.

But I just finished On Your Marks so I had to drop in to say how happy I am at the return of stamping for applause.

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bump

Just a quick one before I head out

bamp

Character establishing moments. How do I best do them?

>>29527966
That's a pretty big question.

Probably the best way is to have a clear picture in your mind of what the character is like, and just bring that out as often as possible.
Choices that seem very small, individual word choices in how they move, their expression, and how they form their sentences build up to establish how people think about your character.
“People become, in our minds, what we see them do. This is the strongest, most irresistible form of characterization.” —Orson Scott Card

Here's something to consider: prediction, not description.
Think about your reader, and think about the impression they'll get of your character from how you describe what they're doing. But people tend to use different words different ways, so try to strip back that layer of thought. Don't think of what words a reader would use to describe your character (mean, loyal, sad, etc), think of how a reader would expect your character to act.
"I've read this character say three things and walk around a room a little, I already know that if they found a woman passed out on a couch, they'd molest them, no question."
"I've seen this character struggle with their selfish urges and yet desire to protect their friends. If they had to choose between keeping the MacGuffin for their own benefit or give it up to help them, I really couldn't guess what they'd do and that's why I'm going to keep reading."
"This character sounds like they'd get prescribed depression medication immediately if they talked to a doctor. I don't think they're gonna go to that party tonight, not even though their best friend asked them."

Anybody working on anything right now?
A drabble I put up the other night in RGRE netted me a few (you)s, which was some nice fuel.

So many half started ideas. So little time to mulp.
Comfy-ish Diamond Tiara story for SPG.
Comfy Scootaloo thing for Reverse-Trap.
Lewd thing with Rainbow Dash for RGRE.

(I make few to no apologies for the 100% wish-fulfillment angle I chase with greentext.)

Maybe I should review somebody else's work. That can help get the juices flowing. I'll read Rokade's thing later probably.

I gave some feedback the other month, and that really made me more conscious of issues in my own writing. I was editing something non-pony that I'd written six months ago, and realized that a lot of ideas for changes came much more easily.

>>29520367
I can have a critique for that on Thursday, if you'd like.

>>29524302
Sounds good. It'll probably take me a while, but I'll definitely do it.

>>29527966
Much like what the other anon said, a lot of it is in how the character behaves in the scene, what they say, and how other characters respond to them. If someone new is shown crying their eyes out, that says one thing about them, but it says something entirely different if they're crying and no one acts like it's out of the ordinary. So it's a balance between what they do and how others are shown to see them. In establishing moments, you typically want them to show up in a scene or conversation where they have a lot to do or say, so that you can show off that character's personality. To give a simple example, Twilight is established in a library in the pilot episode, and she's a bookworm. Rarity in her boutique, Rainbow with the weather. Having characters in their comfort zones first is a popular way to establish them, because those are easy ways to demonstrate a character in his or her most natural state.

Goodnight

quick question, how do you handle multiple characters with dialogue in quick succession in greentext? I don't see many where there's more than maybe three characters in a scene who are interacting at once.

Do you put descriptions of actions in between so the focus shifts? Or do you just label them somehow?

>>29530930
This is where you want to make lots of use of "said Character1"

>>29530941
huh, alright. Thanks. I always thought that was a bit weird in the greentext format but alrighty

>>29530943
With the way greentext tends to break things out of paragraphs anyways, even newbie writefags feel less need to add unnecessary speech attribution.
One of its few virtues.
I think that's why you might feel that way.
But yeah, you don't have a lot of alternatives.

At least you have the benefit of the viewpoint character's speech in a different color.

You could intersperse action and description in the speech. For a long conversation I'd say this is nearly mandatory. But it has a strong effect on the pacing of a scene, and proper pacing is one of the hardest aspects of writing in the first place (above unique character voice, but well below motivation). If you're writing something that's supposed to read as a quick sequence (eg, the characters explaining things to each other as they run somewhere) then a lot of times the specifics of the scene are supposed to be a blur in the background of the reader's mental eye, in this case, descriptions becomes a stumbling block.

You could leave the lines of dialogue unlabeled and expect readers to pick up from phrasing and context; but I'd strongly recommend against that for any exchange more than a few lines, and even then, only if you really trust your ability. If the reader gets confused, this will just fucking slay any momentum your words were trying to develop on top of pulling your reader out of the scene.

Ultimately, some terms like: "said Dash," "replied Fluttershy," and "Twilight spoke up:" will practically disappear from under the eye of your reader, and leave no room for the deathly confusion.

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>>29529887
I'd appreciate that a lot.

>>29531196
>Ultimately, some terms like: "said Dash," "replied Fluttershy," and "Twilight spoke up:" will practically disappear from under the eye of your reader, and leave no room for the deathly confusion.

Also, resist the temptation to consult a thesaurus for your dialogue tags. And don't use them to convey anything more than mode of speech. Tags like "whispered", "yelled", "screamed", and of course "said" are all fine. But "said angrily", "said sadly", and similar are just a slightly less obvious way of telling rather than showing. If you want to show a character sad, show them sad, and describe them choking up; don't just throw in a "sadly".

bomb

>>29532168
Seconding this. Especially for a scene like this where you're just making sure the reader's know which of the 3+ characters are talking, you really don't want to start cluttering things up with adverbs.

>>29531196
>speech attribution
What in the Hades does this even mean?

>>29533364
It's the term for all the words and terms like "said", that indicate which person is speaking.

>>29533459
Verbs that describe speech? Why not call them something that makes sense, like speech verbs?

>>29533578
"Speech attribution" makes perfect sense to me, it attributes a spoken quote to a specific person, so I'm not sure I can help you there.

If it helps, I'm sure people will understand if you say "speech verbs". Other people use "dialogue tags".

Emergency bump

>>29534836

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I want to try something a tad different for my next project, and I was hoping you guys could give me some insights.

Under the tall gaze of verdant pine, my compatriots and I trudged along through the Hoofwood. Despite the harrying weather, we made for Fort Timber, seated at the border with the Unicorn Realm.
Wave after wave of raindrops befell us from the sky, drowning the earth under our hooves. Some soaked the coats of my friends and me; the rest laid down a smothering blanket of thuds on our ears.
Sinking inches into the dark mud, our horseshoes failed to produce their usual upbeat rhythm.
Some of my fellow soldiers must have wished to be home, where the Pegasi would at least warn when the weather would turn to horseapples. I was merely glad we weren't marching through this forest in Winter when the snow is stacked three legs high.
But each and every one of us carried on, unwavering, inspired by our commander in the van, Colonel Fairview. Head held high, he strode before us, the black feather in his cavalier hat bending precariously in the wind. His headgear shielded most of his golden mane, but a few strands of hair peeked out beneath the edges and were drowning in the downpour.
It was this renowned pony that led our expedition, against a sinister threat. Terrifying creatures -wolf in shape, but made of sticks and leaves and bound together by magical energies- had started to plague the communities around the forest, so Chancellor Stout Cake had ordered us to march into the woods and investigate.

This is part of the intro and I want to know how you feel about the atmosphere it creates and about the choice of words. Thanks in advance.

>>29535354
Descriptive without being bland. Nicely done. Tone is foreboding, straight-faced, but above all satisfying. I like what you've done here, but if you continue you certainly need to elaborate more on setting.

>>29535354
Very evocative voice. A little bit of that historical romance vibe. I like it.

To me personally it has the downside of coming off as a little stodgy. Some people might mind less, so consider other views, but I'd definitely take extra care to strike words that aren't pulling their weight. This lets you go more florid with the remaining words, capturing the romantic voice without dragging.

I feel like the downpour needs to be mentioned at least once more, it sound so pervasive. Maybe something about how you could only just barely see the jaunty black feather through the rain, maybe alter this line: "Some soaked the coats of my friends and me" with a description of it sheeting off one of his compatriot's coats. (PS: I'm not a master of grammar, but I'm pretty sure that "me" should be a "myself".)

>>29529342
>Anybody working on anything right now?
Sadly, no. I'm busy as hell, and I feel awful, because I left a story unfinished. One I was really hoping to get done, and had all intentions to complete, but now I'm worried I won't ever get around to it.

>2017
>4chan does https
>pastebin doesn't https
>passwords and horsewords in cleartext

Preferred alternatives to pastebin that don't reveal power level?

>>29537524

>figure dash
U+2012: ‒
used between figures when NOT specifying a range, such as in a phone number or serial code.

>en dash
U+2013: –
Used in several ways. Most prominently to represent a range of numbers (5–7 is 5 to 7)
A more subtle use is that it can be used between two words to represent a connection different than what a hyphen would mean. This is very rarely used anymore because hyphens and en-dashes are so indistinct, and people rarely even know how to type more advanced symbols, much less do so.
But my favorite example:
hyphen: "student-teacher relations" are relations with student-teachers.
en-dash: "student–teacher relations" are relations between students and teachers.

(there are other uses, possibly more obscure)

>em-dash
U+2014: —
(often represented by two hyphens: --)
If somebody says "dash" unqualified, this is the one to which they refer. One of the more useful ones to a writer, em-dashes represent an interruption. Used at the end of a quote to show somebody has been cut-off, or as a kind of self-interruption, when somebody starts speaking to themselves and then stops. This connects to its use to set apart a side or interrupting comment, a bit like a parenthetical, but feeling like a part of a speech. It's also like the comma aside, but implies a much stronger separation than commas. Note that if the interruption ends on a period (or, in some style guides, a semi-colon), there's no need to show the "closing" dash.

>Rainbow Dash
Despite my repeated proposals and appeals, not a unicode code point.
Makes text 20% cooler.

Hey all.

Just kind-of finished a long-winded, lewd green text Succubus-Anon story that I've been working on for about a year. It was so long that it ended up being too large for a pastebin page. It even went through about five chord progressions before this kind-of-not-really-a conclusion. Would it be worth it to paste a link for such a monstrosity here for post-battle analysis?

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>>29537620
>It was so long that it ended up being too large for a pastebin page
Are we talking free or pro?
Either way, I'd post it. There's definitely people in here who don't shy away from bigger pieces.

>>29537667

Free Version. I'm cheap like that.

And here it is, in all it's horrible glory:

1) http://pastebin.com/BLH9fRXY
2) http://pastebin.com/QUFx6CPs

>>29537453
Word doc on a separate hard drive

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>>29537453
VPN to it?
I can't say I worry enough about being monitored that somebody could link me to the horsewords I save.

Github maybe? I know some people put writing project there.

>>29539406

I've said it before, I'll say it again, I really like ambient stuff for writing, and video game sound tracks really fit. I haven't listened to this entire specific playlist, but most of the choices seem solid.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIuGPLR6h6PQPcJST1-NU6anw5IF07HWz

It's finally done. 81,826 words of Glim Glam for SPG. Looking back I know there's a lot I could have done differently, but this is the first time I've ever written something even close to this long. When I started, I also had little to no knowledge of fiction writing. But if I could get a critique, it would be much appreciated.

http://pastebin.com/TnWCRgzK

Also little guy, you reviewed it previously when it was about halfway done. Some concerns you had then were revisited, explained upon, or fixed by me, so take that as you will. I know a lot of the epilogue may also seem irrelevant and unconnected to the story, especially things about Dash and the sporting event, but those are to start the shift to the next fic I'm doing.

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>>29496908
I think I skipped one of the more important notes about Made in Manehatten: the Cutie Map has sufficient predictive power to tell that if this mission had included Twilight, it would not have succeeded (at least not as well).

What an appropriate place to be at to notice this for the first time: in the intro, Discord is waving from inside Fluttershy's cabin. Has been since season 4.

This specific episode is well timed again since I watched it right after a camping trip with friends where we ended up with a lot of our own inside jokes. The "milk peddler" bit will always have a place in my heart.

What About Discord through The Mane Attraction


What About Discord
Booksort-cation. "There must be at least 20,000 books to organize."
Spike loves his massages.
Discord keeping pace in flight with Rainbow while she's a rainbow meteor. His contrail is plaid, of course.
Rainbow and Discord seem to have bonded over a love of pranks.
I enjoy that pretty much every single time Discord is leaving some place he makes the motions of leaving normally (conjures a door, spins his legs like he's going to run, etc) then he teleports.
Rarity unwilling to even say "booksort-cation", hesitating before going with "book sorting sabbatical".
Fluttershy does not seem alarmed at being turned into an orange, but I suppose it's already established that she trusts Discord the most.
Rarity (and AJ and Pinkie) all seem to've come around to finding Discord funny.
Bob Ross reference (again?)
Discord does a great AJ impression.
Discord twangs Twilight's horn (we've seen it elsewhere enough I'm starting to assume it's not just a joke, and they're legitimately flexible from the side. Also implies that lovers of erogenous horns are not supported by canon.) (Other options might be that yearling horns are flexible, and the rest are either Discord or gags.)
Pinkie does not give up her 4th wall breaker status without a fight. I love that they played some of the Back to the Future motif here.

>>29541951
80k is the threshold that Tor (pretty sure it's Tor, probably others too) uses to separate novel from novella. Jeez dude.

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>>29541955
Anybody remember the fan theory about how Disney's Aladdin takes place in an apocalyptic future, and that Genie's bits aren't fourth wall breaking, but references that only he remembers? I think I (or somebody at least) needs to do something green featuring this idea but with Equestria and Discord.
(I can't believe I missed this Fear and Loathing reference from Three's a Crowd.)
Discord obviously harping on the "exact variables" thing because he knows it'll only be more frustrating for Twilight. He's vicious here, when he talks about how her presence was the big difference, in a way that's definitely a barb to her, but the others miss.
Discord snaps a cloud into shape, showing he can do more than make cotton candy ones.
Zecora's green cauldron ties the room together. I hope no nihilist ponies pee in it.
Fun words:
-Pinkie, re: their cutie marks: "No glowing tushies here."
-Applejack: "What kind of fertilizer have you had your nose in, Twilight?"
Flutters is angry because Twi is distrustful of Discord, RD because she doesn't trust in their competence.
But it's really notable that Pinkie, while making a joke out of it, still samples the potion, defusing the situation (with laughter).
Discord wearing the Smooze in a jar on a necklace.
(Technically, that's envy, not jealousy, everypony.)
Though I despise the cringe humor of this episode, and will avoid watching it again, I love the actual story they tell here. Discord is legitimately funny and amusing, and can get along quite well with ponies, but he shoots himself in the foot by indulging in his disharmonious instincts, by actively rubbing the gap in their friendship in Twilight's face. I also like how they both show that he's grown, and that he's still got some growing to do. :^)


Hoofields and the McColts
Wuthering Hooves. With Hoofcliff.
The animals are capable of intercommunicating (and additionally, continuing their book club discussion without Fluttershy there).
The Smokey Mountains

>>29541960
And it was all written in just over two months. Word doc created on December 18.

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>>29542008
Twilight casually gallops off with her stuffed bags, while Flutershy struggles. Possibly an implication that as an alicorn, she's earth pony stronk; though it might just be that Fluttershy is just that weak. (Third interpretation: Twilight is a jerk and put all the lead clad books in Fluttershy's bags.)
Twilight is still an obsessive planner.
"I'm Fluttershy, and, um, I'm here too."
"You're an alicorn. I thought just the three princesses were alicorns." Welp, this is it. Earlier episodes took the wind out of the sails of the idea of an alicorn not being a princess (despite the really tantalizing way Rarity talked about it in Magical Mystery Cure), but Twilight's reply implicitly confirming that it's just her and the other three is pretty much cement on the coffin of non-Princess alicorns. (I'd been holding out hope between MMC and Mysterious Mare Do-Well, where Rainbow did not express any shock whatsoever at the idea of an unknown alicorn running around Ponyville. Somebody provided a great theory that worked for a while: there are alicorns, but they're somewhere else. So it's like seeing a white guy in China: rare, but not shocking.)
Twilight zaps those pieces of paper out of existence. Guess Equestria will never have a landfill problem?
Will the McColt Cake go into history as the murder pinata of Equestria?
Ponies can't into war. Some real evidence on the balance of this being a truly saccharine world here.
Twilight says it's much harder to freeze an army of ponies than just six of them (I thought this was a reference to way back in Castle-Mania, but that was just four ponies; so I can only assume it's about her hauling around her friends with telekinesis all the time?).
Grub Hooffield, Piles McColt
Many of the family members have fan names that incorporate the family name, but the only ones the show itself gives us are the heads of the families. Pony naming traditions still a little mysterious.

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>>29542085
I didn't love the episode, but this was one of my favorite conflicts so far: both the founders wanted to help, but they disagreed on how, so they end up destroying what they wanted to aid (could be read as a political metaphor).
Speaking of, attention to detail continues to please me: there are ponies on each side that don't match the majority color scheme—obviously imported wives and husbands.
They seal the deal by spitting in their frogs and hoofbumping.
Twilight may love books but I guess she's not obsessed with them physically, or maybe because it's just her own notebook: she zaps the whole thing out of existence.
"What if the map wants us to solve other kinds of problems, like quantum physics, or why the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." (This sentence mostly amuses me with the idea that something about magic means that ponies have a grasp of quantum physics, but not Newtonian ones.)
I do wonder how much we'll see the map next season.


The Mane Attraction
We see the organizer pony (Star Amethyst I think), helping some. Got some respect since the wedding I guess.
AJ is also a good concert manager, from experience with rodeos (and remember she's said her special talent/destiny is specifically managing Sweet Apple Acres).
Pinkie was the organizer for for Ponypalooza.
This is the Helping Hooves Music Fest. I'm not sure I caught what they're benefiting.
Yet more technology. In science fiction books we sometimes see this called a curated pastoral world. They clearly have technology and use it when necessary, but it's carefully kept out of sight most of the time.
Sapphire Shores (The Pony of Pop) is now (or has always been?) the second biggest pop musician.
Everyone's surprised when AJ doesn't recognize Coloratura.
I like this line as character for Rarity: "We artistes require certain necessities in order to do our best work."
I wonder if they gave her that nickname just to mess with fans of Rarity that use it.

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>>29542126
This conversation obviously implies names may not be unique (and that stage names are uncommon enough to not be worth mentioning), and we've seen that cutie marks reoccur; but the same name and same cutie mark is probably definitive that it's the same pony.
I wonder how much her cutie mark shining when she sings means, aside from a clue that The Spectacle is not her best work.
"Keep your tails and hooves to yourself"
Svengallop. There's such a thing as being too on the nose MLP. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Svengali
They make it clear immediately that the demanding diva impression all comes from Svengallop, and she's an innocent. I suppose they have enough redemption arcs that helping a bitchy diva see what she's become is unnecessary at this point.
He's wearing a full business suit, possibly a reflection of how important he feels he is?
Appleloosan oats are premium (and, as established way back in Over a Barrel, over a days train-ride away. Interesting given how quick the trip is to the Crystal Empire, and how they look to be a similar distance away from Ponyville on maps).
This apple-peeler: making what would be a handcrank device into a pedal powered one is inspired.
We've seen the movie projected from a horn trick before.
She almost goes out in tall platform shoes.
Unicorns lighting up the point of their horns, ala lighting a lighter.
Comparing the two songs, it's amusing how much they had the singer tone down her ability for The Spectacle.

Done for now. Cutie Re-Mark is pretty interesting stuff.

Work seems to be calming down, but I sure feel beat down.

Breaks? On this train?
It's less likely than you think

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

>>29537740
>>29541951
Both of these are huge, and I'm slow as it is. I can do both in time, but if one of you doesn't want to wait, I understand. The succubus story would come first, since it was posted first.

>>29542983

Mate, you're a saint for even going through with it in the first place. Do whatever takes your fancy.

My face currently runs the EWE CYOA, but I got two greens running right now out of... well, I got in the mood to write things.

I got two dirty >No Hooves things writing, one in Fingerbang, the other in huge humans thread. After those finish up, I got another pair of greens I want to write. One is a request, the other is my own thing.

A Giant Rarity story for the My Massive Pony General and MLPxGame Shows thread where I can write all the Legends of the Hidden Temple/Double Dare/GUTS/Nick Arcade pony greens that I really want to write.

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I find that, regardless of what I'm writing, be it sexy or regular, I have to have white noise in the form of music to keep myself from being distracted by ambient sounds in the house, even when I'm alone or the misses isn't bothering me. I do, however, find that the only music I can listen to is instrumentals. If there's any kind of vocals I get distracted. Lately, two songs have been on my loop for hours at a time while I zone out in the writing groove.

What about you anons, any tunes you tap the keys to?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc671bo3fbw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjW9BADe9ck

Good morning save

>>29543843
Hey, somebody who's just the same as me. I hope poor Handsome Jew doesn't feel left out.
Then again I know in real life somebody who writes code to bass bumping heavy hitting rap.
Humans are incomprehensible.

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>>29545469
It's not so weird. I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and people talking is significant. You need to be paying attention when you hear someone talk, whereas your code guy probably grew up in a city where hearing people talk through walls is the norm.

>>29545672
I have no idea why I never thought of this before. My mom grew up on a farm and can't stand background noise, and my dad grew up in the city and practically has to have a TV running on low volume in the background or he can't concentrate.

Then again, I also grew up in the city and I'm more like my mom.

>>29543550
Y-your face?

Man does macro ever leave me perplexed.

>MLPxGame Shows ... Legends of the Hidden Temple/Double Dare/GUTS/Nick Arcade
I have complex feelings, like somehow intrigue mixed with boredom?

Gonna bring any of that here for critiquing? Editors need practice too.

Sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I have some envy. I have so many projects started but a mix of being eye meltingly busy and cold feet has made me hesitate to actually get them put together and posting.

>10
Necessity.

>>29543843
>>29545469
>No hard EDM when writing
Absolutely heretical.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YfaJ0-AXhU

>>29542983
Do his first. I'll be away this weekend anyway, and I really don't mind waiting.

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Here's a question; how would one write/describe with text 'ahegeo'?

>>29548348
I'd use some of the following phrases to be sure:
eyes rolling back/wildly, eyes going unfocused, pupils dilating (or contracting to pinpoints/pinpricks), tongue lolling out, and drooling. You could also get more descriptive with the saliva, mention sweating (sweat suddenly sheeting/cascading/pouring), eyes watering, and/or nose running (leaking or streaming also works for those) if the mess is part of the fetish you want to hit.

>>29531404
I'm working on your critique right now.

Goodnight

>>29520367
I think one of the reasons you were having trouble with dialogue in this story is because there was no conflict, which means there was nothing for the characters to really talk about. Rara’s lack of money never comes up and never gets in her way. She brings no problems with her from Manehattan, aside from the main one, and that gets solved in the space of a few days and with no help from Applejack, despite Applejack’s continued assertions that she’ll find a way. The school is already poised to be Rara’s springboard, and Cheerilee already has some connections for her to further her teaching career; all Rara has to do is find out about it.

As far as premises go, Rara’s isn’t very strong. She says that she’s running out of money, but I never heard mention of her financial woes once she actually reached the farm. As for losing her home, she hardly talks about it. She cries a little here and there, but, without the character development to back it up, that means nothing. Tears are cheap and easy on their own. Moving forward, you have everything fall into Rara’s lap to fix her money and business problems, and that’s not a good way to write. It’s somewhat unbelievable, but, much more importantly, it removes the characters’ needs for hard work. If Rara and Applejack do nothing except walk, talk, and muddle in the CMC’s goings on, and then Rara gets that happy ending she craves anyway, it’s not fair, because no one did anything to earn it. 1/?

>>29549663
Lines 464-510 feed into this. Rara accepts her new position in life right then and there, with one instance of enjoying teaching and not much else, and it makes no sense. Even life decisions that would be easy on paper can be hard to make in the moment, because there’s a lot of things the person has to change, and change can be fucking terrifying. Lots of money might not mean much to Rara right now, but I’d like to see her say that scraping by on a teacher’s salary. Forfeiting that level of fame can’t possibly be easy for her; if it is, then how did she get to that point in the first place? One has to assume she has or had a good deal of drive to get where she was, because that kind of status in life doesn’t just fall out of the sky. What I’m getting at is that there’s too little consideration of her situation, and this part of the story evinces that point as it applies to the larger work.

So, my first advisory would be to solve her problem differently, and have her and Applejack, or just her, put in some real effort. Applejack only got as far as saying that they would find some way to drum up business, so you’d want to start there, and come up with an idea yourself for her to enact. Something that requires planning, something difficult. Characters’ personalities are a lot easier to bring to life when those characters are out of their comfort zones. Think of it like this: there isn’t a lot of excitement in Applejack’s daily life. She does chores and socializes with her family and friends, and that’s about the shape of it, day in day out. She’s so used to it that the more interesting aspects of her character don’t really come out (in a long slice-of-life story, they could, but this isn’t that). 2/?

>>29549680
However, if something unexpected comes to shake things up, then parts of her personality that ordinarily have no reason to surface become apparent. How she handles stress, and the unknown, and how she goes about consoling someone with a problem she has never had. Those would be ideal, but, with Rara having such an easy time of things, everything that would prompt Applejack to show a different side of herself remains absent. The same goes for Rara. You say she’s sad, but, again, all I actually saw was some easy tears. How does she cope with the homesickness, the guilt of not preparing herself better, the feeling of uselessness that must come from losing everything you once had? Knowing these things, and things of their like, is integral to writing a good character.

That would filter in to better dialogue as well. With their characters fleshed out and forced to become more than the tired examples one would see in their everyday lives, you wind up with more for them to talk about. It then becomes more than Applejack telling Rara that they’ll figure something out in time, and not to worry.

On line 228, I noticed that you have a tendency (there and elsewhere) to bring their conversations right back to the main problem, which is not how people talk. In speech, people meander and go on tangents, they get sidetracked, and it’s okay to let your characters do that a little. You don’t want something like ten lines on Granny’s pie recipe, but some veering from the main thrust is fine. It will make them much more realistic, and it’s a great avenue for demonstrating minor points of their character without having to attach it to whatever problem you give them. On line 460, I noticed that you only ever get as far as Applejack telling Rara that things will pick up, which I referenced earlier. 3/?

>>29549700
Sometimes, after these assurances, you go on to write out some rhetorical questions. Why not use those questions as part of the dialogue? That will keep things moving between them, and also give you something more to end your conversations. Ending with promises and expressions of determination can get old quickly. Line 151 serves as a good example of the point I am illustrating. The conversation they have is quite brief, but you say that Applejack is left with a lot of frustration. How can she be frustrated when so meager an attempt was made to get Rara to talk? Seems to me that Applejack hardly tried. This is a perfect place to add in more dialogue, and it wouldn’t be that hard, because you could get by with a simple question-answer dynamic. Come up with a list of questions Applejack could have (questions you would have in a similar situation, if that helps) and have her spool them out to Rara, who then answers or deflects as you see fit. If you want Applejack to remain frustrated, then Rara’s lines will be a little easier, because you won’t need to put in as much thought to the logistics of her problem. You can have her give vague answers, or try to redirect things, or what have you. Just be sure that Applejack tries to stay focused in her interrogation, so the conversation doesn't get too wild. 4/?

>>29549726
That more or less covers it. Here are a few details before the conclusion. I don’t think you need the letter that Applejack writes back, accepting Rara to the farm. We’ve got the family discussing it amongst themselves, so what more does the letter add? It also breaks the flow a little bit, taking us away from the present that would otherwise be unbroken.

On lines 48-59, I don’t see why you should explain Rara’s reasons to come once again. You can easily have Apple Bloom remember from the first time Applejack told her.

On lines 189-190, you don’t need to foreshadow so overtly.

On lines 351-352, you should add in a reaction of sorts for Rara. Her just up and accepting this offer is kind of sudden and weird.

In the section 514-568, you have Rara get a job way too fast. It relates back to the lack of effort point I made earlier, but I wanted to point it out specifically because it’s the most concrete example of Rara getting what she needs without really trying. Plus, jobs like that don’t come about so quickly. There’s a process for these kinds of things. She’ll need to meet the teachers, interview with the principal, and so on.

It looks like you’ve transposed sections 618-634 and 638-660. 5/6

>>29549736
You will notice that I spent pretty much all of my time here talking about plot and dialogue, and how those two affect each other. Everything in the story that was not related to those things was okay, but, on the whole, the story was spotty and thin. The ending was rushed, but not too bad, and I think improving everything prior to that would be better than continuously reworking the end, at this point. Your dialogue is stunted, but so was your exploration of the plot, and I think expanding on the latter will help you find content for the former. As for your other concern, whether certain shorter sections were unnecessary, I did not get that impression. There were some tiny bits, yes, but it never bothered me. If it still bothers you, that too is a problem that will be fixed by, you guessed it, more dialogue. There’s no avoiding it. However, I thought you did Applejack’s character pretty well, and the CMC were really good. They weren’t annoying, but still brought a lot of life to the scenes that featured them, so good job on that. 6/6

>>29543498
Okay, you're up next. I'll be busy for the weekend, so I'll begin reading your story on Monday. Ordinarily, I tell the author when they can expect their critique and leave it at that, but, since this is so big, I can't make a good prediction. I can generally bang out a critique in the few hours between work ending and slumber, but it could take me multiple days to cover all your content to my satisfaction.

I'll check in again Monday night, and periodically update you from there, so you know that I'm moving forward and also so I can know that you're still here. Sound good?

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>>29542147
Remember way back in It's About Time, there's a formula on a blackboard?
I guessed it involved relativity, and maybe some kind of orbital calculation because I saw 'r's. Just saw in another thread, those are taus (τ), and she's derived the formula for externally observed time dilation given constant acceleration.

>>29549810

Many thanks, and take as much time as you want. My one gripe is the beginning is a little weak in places (IE the entire Bakery Scene) and some lewd feels unwarranted (The Poker scene), but on the whole I think I've come up with something somewhat readable. Also I feel that I haven't strongly established Anon as an unreliable narrator.

>>29551661

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>>29549745
One day I'll write a half-decent story, I think. For now, thanks for the feedback.

Writing Bumper

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>...but the thread refused to die.

>>29553982

Got a question about a character's history and bringing that up. I hate tragic backstories. I hate stories that rely on "one moment that changed everything" but the backstory I have for a character has some tragic moments, and I don't want those moments to be the definition of the character and their motives. I'll explain.

In Anon's previous life, he was a paramedic, and in this one, he's the tutor of Flurry Heart. The story starts around the time that Shining Armor dies of illness. General illness and disease is outside Anon's ability, so there was nothing he could do to save him. He reminds himself that there's nothing he could do, but that only makes him feel worse about the situation, and his guilt flares up in the form of bad dreams of him reliving moments where he couldn't save the lives of people during his job as a paramedic.

Is that too dark, or tragic-past like? How can I present this in a way that makes the audience aware that the problem isn't about some unresolved issue in Anon's past, and instead about present circumstances?

>>29556175
Generally the issue with Tragic Backstory™ is that it's something just sort of tacked on, it doesn't really affect the character meaningfully other than giving them something to angst about; ready made pathos and cachet.

But an emergency medical professional that's worked more than a year or two and doesn't have remnants of guilt, sadness, and/or anger about patients they couldn't save would an unusual case.
So no, that seems legitimate.

As for leading the audience to that conclusion I think all you need to do is have him think, "Man, it's been a while since I had one of those," the first time he wakes up from such a nightmare. Depending on length of story, you could correlate the nightmares with how the days they follow went, having them at their worst when he's either repressing or thinking about it too much (like days where he manages to be the most happy tutoring Flurry Heart). You could throw in a segment where he has less terrible nightmares to try and establish the correlation, like one where he's constantly busy with something and falls asleep exhausted, having thought about nothing but that job every day, and has dreamless sleep.

>>29556175
>paramedic feeling guilt about tons of people he couldn't save.
That's a very unusual feeling for a professional. Paramedics saves lives and those saved give a strong positive experience to cancel out any negative.
Friendship among colleagues in the team ensures no single person has to feel that they are to blame for any lost lives. The older paramedics share their wisdom and a huge collection of excuses on why not everyone can be saved and you can only do your best.

Unless he was some drug addict who failed trivial procedures due to incompetence, but managed to keep the cause of death hidden until he had killed a bunch?

You might want to skip the trying to explain it logically? A lot of odd behavior doesn't really need an explanation. Some people are just odd. If the way they think and act is coherent it usually works without any deeper explanation.

Normal surgeons never operate on their own kids. It gets too personal. With Anon's strong ties to Flurry Heart and Shining Armor he gets into a position where he can't keep emotions and job separate? So ends up with lots of emotions he bottles up as he doesn't want to place the burden of his feelings on anyone else.

Then again, it's not a documentary, so tie up any loose ends as you see fit. :)

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bump

>>29557432
Huh. I have to admit I only personally know mental health professionals. The

I was a certified WFR, and one of the sections in the work was about dealing with the emotional stress, especially from failure. Maybe I extrapolated the wrong way from that.

I guess I should have instead said it's a common character trait for doctors/surgeons etc in fiction.

>>29559850

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>Did you think this thread would die this easily, Anon?

>>29561431
Maybe.

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>>29562296

Goodnight

>>29562711

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>>29563949
Sleppy Bump

>>29548263
You. You are my nigga.

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bump

>bump

Good afternoon

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bumpy

A bump a day keeps the existential dread away.

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>>29569602

>>29570678
Don't dissipate just yet thread. I have meta-horsewords to put inside of you.

Goodnight

>>29572116
I fall asleep to S3RL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AIgS8MIF5c

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>>29542147

I think I'll just be doing Cutie Re-Mark here. It's a dense two-parter. Plus some brief thoughts on chronology.

The Cutie-Remark
I wonder what the relationship between Celestia's School of Magic and her School for Gifted Unicorns is. Alternate names for the same thing, or is one like, the accelerated program?
This school auditorium just has plain tiers for students. I suppose since it's a school for unicorns, they can just hold their books and pens with magic, no need for desks.
Twelve repetitions. Twi's OCD showing again.
The Cutie Mark Crusader's simultaneous and related cutie marks seem to be novel. She uses a Venn Diagram here, but I'm inclined to dismiss it as lazy pseudo-technical-illustration until they show something to justify the overlaps (which show some special connection of Applebloom's cutie mark to Scootaloo, but not Sweetie Belle, and so forth). It does imply that each of the three stripes of their escutcheon is associated to a filly (red to SB, purple to AB, lavender to Scoots).
Moondancer is there. But so is Lyra, who definitely does things other than study. Must be a public presentation.
She refers to "Cutie Mark magic". We saw with Tirek that there's a connection between a cutie mark and a pony's magic.
Twilight seems to be implying that gaining their Cutie Marks from the same event established a mystical connection between her and the others.
Magical Mystery Cure also repeatedly connected cutie marks and destiny.
I usually keep notes to the order things happened in the episode, as a memory aid, but I want to put all the facts about the time travel spell in one place:
The scroll is apparently mandatory for time travel (near the end of the episode, "If I destroy this scroll, there will be no way to change it!"), this despite the fact that Twilight has cast Starswirl's time travel spell before. (Good decision though: nothing starts to make a story look plot-holed like characters having access to time travel and not using it.)

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>>29572557
Note that one use involves Starlight casting directly on the table. We must imagine that this is because the Map is already "primed" to be a time travel device. The different travel effect also implies that the inhaling bell effect is specific to timenapping Twilight.
This is the second time they've had a Starswirl spell connect to the tree of harmony, but they haven't actually said whether that's because Starswirl interacted with it, or if it's just because of the fundamental connection of friendship and magic. Glimmer talking about figuring out she could use the Map to go to any time and place in Equestria mildly implies the latter.
Glimmer says modifying the spell was easy, because Starswirl had already done the hard part.
The first two times Twilight is sent back, Glimmer is already using magic, but the third time she isn't, until her horn glows, implying that Twilight is sent back to the future by Glimmer's will (rather than automatically, as I first assumed, by parallel to the original spell version). I wonder what happens to Glimmer in the meantime? Does she chill out Cloudsdale ~985CYP waiting for the reset?
Of course, she really does say, later, that she feels like her entire life's been robbed from her anyways, she doesn't mind giving up the rest of it just to punish Twilight for it.
The magic aura that re-readiates from the paper to the table stays her color (it's her color at the end of the spell, too, supporting the priming theory).
Flight still isn't quite instinctual for Twilight.
"It looked like she could fly with just magic" Obviously they wanted to reinforce this for the viewers, but that's an odd conclusion to come to already given that the time travel spell just sucked Twilight and Spike up against your will.
"How could Starlight do more than the greatest wizard in Equestria?" Twilight, some kind of humility, maybe? Just not remembering that she's done something he couldn't?
It looks like just the table comes with them.

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>>29572583
Twilight: completely confident that Sweet Apple Acres is a fixture. And in fact, it is, showing that even without the rainboom connection, Applejack still returns to the farm.
(That is so not how an auto-canner works.)
Though their cutie marks are often hidden, every time we do see a cutie mark, it's the same one. Some kind of essentiallist idea? The magic and personal-destiny within them is the same even if the circumstances of their life aren't? (Of course, Sombra-Victory!Pinkie does not look like somebody with a party balloon cutie-mark, and is one more appearance of full flat-mane Pinkie.)
The first timeline is Sombra successfully returned. Notably, Luna does not appear (without Twilight, Celestia just re-banished her? Defeated her mundanely?). I wonder what happened with the changelings?
We also never see evidence of alternate-timeline Twilight.
These helmets with their green eye-slits evoke mind control (which just begs to have something grimdark written about it).
I love this ninja-esque armor the Equestrian pegasi have.
Rainbow Dash with fully functional prosthetic/cybernetic metal wing. Which, uh, confirms that that's possible? Maybe only with technology born of the war necessity.
This battle looks pretty fluffy, with slap fights and ponies sort of bouncing on other ones, and I've actually seen people use it as evidence (like the Hooffield-McColt fued) of a canonically fluffy, low-violence pony world. But it's clear from the battle damage, including her prosthetic limb, and her near death by rock, that it's more representational, and this is legitimately violent war.
(There's a filly that looks like she's serious lining up to join the war effort.)
They don't explicitly mention, but since Glimmer walks on clouds just fine, we can assume that she cast the cloudwalk spell on herself, in addition to using her self-telekinesis flight.
Very amusing to have Glimmer giving an anti-bullying speech as part of her destroying Equestria.

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>>29572620
I'd completely forgotten how lanky Fluttershy was as a youth.
"I convinced them not to be bullies because everypony should be equal, stopping the rainboom was just a bonus." (kinda sarcastic, but still perhaps characterization for Glimmer)
Filly RD, still a better flier than Twilight.
Rainbow properly shocked by Twilight's alicorn-ness.
"Old Mare's tale"
That eyebrow waggle seemed literally made for exploitation
Changeling Victory timeline. Pinkie has poofy hair and her cutie mark.

Unlike the Sombra timeline, colors seem to be normal here, implying that the weird light wasn't just a visual indicator of alternate timeline, but a literal effect of Sombra's evil crystals.
It's not clear whether or not the table's returning to the same spot. If so, the forest has overgrown here.
Zecora has a truth-revealing salve. Did she have that recipe ready to go (possibly implying that Zebrica has changeling or illusion problems), or was she able to find or make it here after Chrysalis' victory?
It indicates that Twilight comes from a "truer" world than this one.
I feel like I need to keep reminding the writers that the only important thing Twilight or her friends did to stop the Changelings was that Twilight (alone) resuced the original Cadance. They FAILED to get the elements.
Rainbow's ear seems to attract battle damage.
Chrysalis: some kind of anti-hat mania?
Twilight: "Even if there's a chance Chrysalis will honor her word, shouldn't you at least try?" A peace-seeking attitude is appropriate for her, but that is a TERRIBLE conclusion.
Full blown magical unicorn battle. This time the Cloudsdale ponies notice, but just watch because it's cool, rather than getting concerned about the spells being thrown around.
They're both exhausted at about the same time, but there are so many variables to consider it's hard to say how much about this fact can be generalized.

>>29572665
Twilight can still teleport even when their power's been so used, implying that's either a very efficient spell or she recovers very fast.
Nightmare Moon victory.
I quite like how the three primary futures are in reverse chronological order, echoing the back-in-time theme.
Land in the Everfree forest specifically.
This line here, "Why would the map bring us back to a different time of day-," is an implication that they're returning to the same time every time, meaning we can use events in the alternate presents as reference to the timeline, which mostly only matters when Nightmare speaks up shortly: "My sister has been trapped in the moon for years", which implies that as of Cutie Re-Mark, it's been multiple years since the events of Friendship is Magic, which means it's been at least one, and probably more years since the events of Princess Twilight. Perhaps after the first season they've aimed at something more like one season is approximately one year?
Luna has restored the Castle of the Two Sisters. Hey, there's an observatory on the nearby hill.
Rarity in a nightmare butler uniform. Cute.
Rainbow Dash, guard for Nightmare Moon: has a mohawk, and also slit pupils and batwings!
So this episode gives us something we've been wondering since Luna Eclipsed: at least some batwing ponies are normal pegasi that have been altered. The fact that her eyes go from slit pupiled to normal when she takes off her helmet strongly implies the wings are also temporary effect of the armor. (I decided to look up out-of-show information: both Larson and Faust wanted them to be a distinct tribe of ponies that lived in deep mountain caves, if possibly an offshoot of pegasi.)
Possibly of note: Rainbow Dash is the only one of these guards without tufted ears.
Twilight demonstrates again that she can casually copy a spell she's only seen once. Glimmer illustrating there's more to skill than that, since she knows the counter to that one anyways.

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>>29572691
Tirek victory. Did he really gain all that power for no purpose other than meaningless destruction?
I'm delighted to finally see the origin of the sarcastic clapping reaction gif.
Discord victory. Luna returned, and not as Nightmare Moon. Discord with his scepter on a unicycle. Screwball looking on happily.
FlimFlam victory. I knew that green magic aura meant they were true villains. Battling Flim and Flam Season premiere or finale when? (This one, more than others, seems to imply that the table returns to an appropriate spot, not the same one every time. Then again, the brothers also could've expanded the orchards as they took over Ponyville.)
I have no idea why public knowledge of the Elements of Harmony became such a big deal to me, maybe just because the evidence either way is so tantalizing. Glimmer knew about the cutie map (which makes sense, I feel like they actually mention that the map sent them to her village. Also, I enjoy imagining that Glimmer actually spent months studying the table, hanging out in a spare room in the over-sized palace), but she refuses to believe that Twilight and her friends were all that important, even asking, "What makes you and your friends so important‽" Implying that this well informed pony doesn't know about them (and diminishing the alternative idea that she knows about the elements, but just assumes that some other ponies will come along to use them as necessary).
Rampant speculation: I like to imagine this barren desert is Glimmer victory.
"I don't know why my friends and I are so important to Equestria, but we are." Does... does _Twilight_ know about the Elements of Harmony?
Very important canon information: filly twintails Glimglam a cute.
I don't think I'm alone in considering this a disappointingly feeble origin story for Glimmer.

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>>29572710
When they finish, the time travel spell eats itself. Actually... since it involved the Cutie Map, giving me some wild speculation that a lot of this was in part some sort of elaborate plan on the part of the forces of harmony to teach Starlight Glimmer a friendship lesson.
"Friendship connects all of Equestria, and undoing one group of friends made its magic less powerful."
I'm kind of curious to know for what purpose they're building up Glimmer's magical talent. Maybe just to help sell why she, specifically, is made Twilight's student?
Starlight's turn around is both fast and thorough. Of course this is how it goes for most of the show, but I do feel like this time they set up a good reason for it. Despite how forceful it was, she truly thought she was helping the ponies in her village. And while the consequences of her vengeance in this episode were dire, she wasn't aware of them until the end.
She goes to her village to make amends.


Welp, that's the end of season 5.

There's something I've noticed the writers do, and I think it's very helpful to anyone doing a serial story (like most greens): they imply a lot, but they thoroughly establish little (though because of the multiple writers and show-runners, they go further than a single author needs to). Look at how long it took for them to establish how few alicorns there are, that other ponies know about the Mane Six's world saving exploits (I actually haven't gotten to that episode yet!), and we still only have minimal implications about how widespread information about the Elements of Harmony is, or even if they can even summon their Rainbow Riot Hose at need!

ow that I know that S01E02 to S04E02 is exactly one year, I wonder if I should rewatch the first three seasons again, just to try and see what ideas I could note about the order of the episodes, since that tight constraint precludes them from being strictly chronological.

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>>29572775
Luna Eclipsed and Hearth's Warming Eve almost certainly happen before Winter Wrap-up, for instance.
We do have to assume that Hearth's Warming is actually mid-winter: maybe it's a pegasus induced temporary winter in late spring in memory of the Wendigoes.
And a lot of other cultures have "dress up scary to scare away evil" traditions at other parts of the year, but Nightmare Night obviously shares a lot of "harvest festival" DNA with Halloween.

I've been trying to pay closer attention to these other seasons, but it's now clear that time-in-Equestria-per-episode is much less dense now (Hearth's Warming episodes that are clearly not the same Hearth's warming, but are only one season apart). On the other hand, it's also still possible that the episodes are out of order.

As I mentioned above, the condensed time in 1–3 might have been about the fact that the writers toyed with the idea of ponies growing up similarly to the speed that real ponies do.
I realized that I've attributed this idea to Faust (and I feel like it was very solid fanon at the time), but I haven't actually read that comment in years. Going back to re-read it, she actually isn't strongly supporting IRL!pony aging, but rather *cartoonish aging*. They need to be mature enough to live independently, but innocent enough that they don't seem emotionally retarded to only just now be learning some of the lessons they learn. The idea that ponies mature faster than humans (and therefore have strictly less life experience) is just one justification.

Friendship Games tomorrow friends. Stay green.

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Boomph.

Lots of sleep today

>>29575135

>>29576212

>>29576955
>the sequence of bumps fills you with determination

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>>29577954

>>29552994
No problem.

>>29550267
Sweet. I'm about two hundred lines in right now, and I'll try to get another two or three hundred tonight. I will take your concerns into consideration when critiquing.

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I'm curious, do you guys write non-pony stuff? And on what level?

>>29581438
Honestly, I haven't even published one of the longer horseworks I'm working on and just one or two post responses to posts have already gotten more attention than my other fanfiction.

I write a fair amount of stuff just for my own amusement. Nobody's seen it but the casual writing circle I'm in.

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bump

>>29518817
Shit, he's good.

So... When my fic is done, do I just post it here? Should I ask for any specific feedback, or just let people critique what they want to critique?

What do I do if people give me useless advice, like that egotistical dumbass giving the Mentally Advanced Series guy shit in the other thread?

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>>29583084
Thank them for their insight if you think they're genuine but mistaken. Ask them to elaborate if you think there might be something to it. Always remember, readers have a different perspective from you, which may cause their sincere feedback to seem wrong or useless.

>>29582943
Unless it's very long, yeah, post it out here. Even if it is long, maybe do a handful of posts of the beginning. Either way include a pastebin URL too, so people can point to specific lines for grammar edits and the like.

It's usually best to ask at least something, even if it's, "I'm not even sure where my weaknesses are, please help me find them." It's nice to know what you want your focus to be; like a lot of the time if people want more natural or tighter speech, they just need to practice, if you know that, it's not too worthwhile to have long critiques focusing mostly on line by line critiques of the dialogues when you want to know if your world-building makes sense.

It can be useful to mention your aims (something like, "I wanted this story to be just a little bitter sweet but mostly comfy," or "I tried to make the characters as relatable as possible so they'd have an impact," or "I wanted people to have the hardest boners of their life reading this,"), so that people can give you an outside perspective on the gap between your aims and what you achieved. To make sure that people aren't primed to see something in particular though, you might put your aims in a spoiler after the work, so they can wait to see that after they've gone through it once.

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http://pastebin.com/gvHSsU1q

Hello. I'm not quite sure how this goes because I've never really paid attention of the WFG, but well, I just did a writing, and here I am.

In short, this is a T/G Fic that has a pretty crappy title and a premise that's really old that I figured I'd take a slightly new twist/swing at.

I wanted to write a character based story that focused on the interaction between the main Anon and his close friend, and how Pon-E actually works and, more importantly, to give a decent length story for people to enjoy.

Tell me, did I accomplish what I set out for? Any tips for improvement in the future?

>>29583185
Bucks McGillicutty and Kicky MacGee don't look too healthy there.

Hey, can someone review my fanfic, I would really appreciate the effort, I really need to improve.

http://pastebin.com/tSyrnZBu

I think I've mentioned my joy for soundtracks as writing music. Yoko Kanno is an amazing composer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaAVuyp1yiM&list=PLA9_DFRBTSfBto5kWKwYAjwTGHuIJqXcp

(I haven't listened to this playlist specifically, just convenient to link.)

sometimes I like to listen no them mixed with rain sounds: https://rainymood.com

>>29586431
You frequently switch between first and third person, when you should stick to the former when writing in greentext format.

Is your Simba a biped? I ask because he "loses arm control" in line 14 and looks downward to see his own penis in line 33. If this is the case, you should establish this early on.

Line 15, "suite" should be "suit."

The African chant in the beginning of Circle of Life isn't gibberish by the way, it's Zulu if you're wondering. http://www.lionking.org/lyrics/OMPS/CircleOfLife.html

Some contractions are missing apostrophes. Remember that "it's" is a shortened version of "it is."
>That's - that is
>There's - there is
>They're - they are
>You're - you are
And so on. Keep the last one in mind, you incorrectly use "your" in more than a few lines.

Line 27, "a mane like a lions." Needs an apostrophe before the "s" to indicate possession. In addition, while both lions and ponies have manes, I think most people would agree they are very different.

Unneeded commas in a some places. Tense switches far too often. Your grammar in general could use improvement.

Finally, the story, or lack thereof. There is little to no explanation for the many coincidences and bizarre events that occur, so the entire fic reads like an excuse to self-insert as Simba crossing over to Equestria solely to fuck Rainbow Dash.

Where did this mushroom come from? Why is it here? Does everyone that sniffs it get to fuck Rainbow? How does one communicate via fungus? Why is Rainbow a pony in the mushroom induced stupor, but a griffon in actuality? How does Rafiki know about this little arrangement? Why does Rainbow need to be turned into a griffon in the first place?

That's a lot of questions very quickly piling up and threatening to crush your story under their combined weight. The clop itself is fairly substandard, very zero to sixty in no time at all. Vague and awkward as well, I can't even pinpoint the exact line Simba penetrates Rainbow in the first sex scene.

1/2

>>29587425
If it's any consolation, I do think you can do something with your basic premise. I think switching from greentext to a short story format would be a good start. Take the plot holes I mentioned above and solve them in some creative ways, and you could have the foundation for a decent story. As of right now, the scenes also fly by way too fast, so also try a slower paced, more descriptive, more methodical approach to writing.

I like the inclusion of Simba's lion physiology in the clop. You could really expand on the differences between his lion body and Rainbow's pony body and what it means for them sexually. You touched on this a little with his barbed penis and his hesitation, almost as if he was committing taboo, but you can go a lot further and it would set you apart from other clop.

If nothing else, work on your descriptors, analogies, and grammar.

2/2

>>29584530
Took brief a look at your story, I'll get back to you with a response within a day or two.

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>>29587461
Cheers, thank you.

>>29588250
seems like slightly more than a bump

read!

>You're just so tired.
>Every day.
>Another stupid email. Another dozen snippets of pasted evidence for why this idiot couldn't find his ass with both hands.
>Half dozen fics are open in your other browser, scrolled to different points before you'd lost interest.
>A text editor has five open documents in it.
>The things you're doing used to be fun.
>Now they're so boring that you find yourself up, late at night, scrolling innumerable websites looking for a quick hit of joy to make the day feel like less of a waste.
>Your eyes wander to the small bureau on the other side of your study.
>There'd been no big decision or intervention, no sobering tragedy, or visit to the doctor's.
>You'd crossed no Rubicon to being "straight-edge."
>It had just stopped seeming worth the money.
>Even the legal stuff was expensive these days, booze and weed.
>You find yourself standing in front of the chest of drawers without really remembering standing.
>Second drawer down. There's a salt shaker of snowy white powder in there. And a small gold plated tray, rhodium plated razor blade, and titanium straw.
>It's not like there was some measure of pride in your abstinence. You weren't breaking some promise to yourself or others. Why the reluctance?
>Because they'd never been about escape before, just an enhancement. Garnish for an already fantastic night.
>Whatever. Fuck it.
>Accouterments out, powder carefully dispensed to weighing paper then to tray, line carefully drawn.
>One little bump couldn't hurt.

Tragically black bump.

>>29587458

I'm not sure if this story is a troll or not, though - I remember seeing it pop up randomly in other writefag threads, trying to sell itself as a seriousy story. Or it may have been a different pony x Simba story, I'm not entirely sure.

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>>29591477

Do not give up!
Do not despair!
You can do this!

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>>29593269
Sometimes it's fun trying to seriously critique something that isn't serious anyways.
Almost no matter what the subject, critical reading and thinking about revisions are practice for good writing in any case.

I tried it on >>29221887 (it's in the archives).

>>29593931
I wonder if this image would've been better.

>>29584530
The first few lines read straight enough that the memery in line 10 is a little disingenuous. I can appreciate sprinkling some levity into a story, but this early on, I find setting the tone for the rest of the story is more important.

I don't like how specific your explanation is for what happens after you take two pills. Just from this single line, I can get an idea for what the conclusion of the story is. Not so much foreshadowing as it is foreclipsing. Maybe make it more vague and potentially sinister, something about permanent side effects? Similar problem when you drop details regarding Anon's and Nonny's genders as ponies. Nonny's a boy? Anon's a girl? Nonny proposes taking Pon-E together? Overtly gay undertones? Kinda easy to see where this is going.

I wish you went into more detail regarding Anon's stress. The world seems to be falling around him, yet he has a caring family and is financially secure. In fact, he just recently pulled out of a financial and social “death spiral,” according to line 438. As it stands, “stress” seems to be the catalyst for him wanting the pill in the first place, so leaving it vague seems contrived. I'd suggest adding wanderlust or maybe expressing dissatisfaction with normalcy and the status quo, anything to explain his desire for “escape.”

Line 76, Anon would be “lying” on the floor, not “laying.” Trivial, I know, because your english is solid for the most part. I can maybe find an error every fifty lines, but nothing that stops me from understanding the plot.

1/5

>>29594497
I think Anon settles into his new body a little too quickly. You take a lot of time to illustrate newly ponified Anon interacting with his apartment in this new body, so it seems like a bit of a missed opportunity. He pretty much gets up and knows perfectly well how to move about as a quadrupedal creature from the getgo. Imagine a groggy Anon waking up after god knows how long. There's a brief moment of dread where he wonders if he was sold a lie and his dream might be dashed, only to find the pill was a wild success. He's ecstatic, relieved, perhaps a little fearful too. That's a lot of very powerful emotions in a very short span of time, and on top of that he's learning how to pilot this strange, exciting new body all the while. He's learning from the ground up, like a newborn babe, because that's essentially what he is. Not to mention he's the opposite gender.

You switch between second and first person in a few lines.

Line 312, “He's a alright guy, if not really lazy." Is the implication here that Nonny is extremely active? If you're trying to say he's alright, but is indeed lazy, the negative is unnecessary.

I wish you talked more about Pon-E and the implications of such a drug appearing in the human world. You don't hand wave it as some miracle drug mcguffin to get straight to the transformation stuff, you do actually give some background, but it's little enough that it seems like an afterthought. You mentioned in your post that you actually focused on how this drug works. Speaking as someone that hasn't read all that many TF stories, I don't think there's enough development in this aspect. Line 726 basically sums up the issue for me, “No one really quite understands how that works just yet, but it's pretty convenient desu."

2/5

>>29594502
Your dialogue is a little flat to me. I can't really buy that lines of dialogue spoken by different characters really are spoken by different characters, it's somewhat obvious that they are written by the same person, i.e. you. A lot of personality comes through dialogue, so when it's all the same, everyone reads the same. You state Nonny is a good guy, but lazy. Does this come through in his actions or speech? Not really. He's also a former thespian, so does he have a flair for the dramatic? Kinda, but so does Anon. This is especially a problem when conversations take place. Don't forget that there isn't actual green text when you write in pastebin. It all blends together into this giant amorphous verbal cloud. Add some inflections, some speech quirks, anything to create a distinct speaking voice for both characters.

I think you could've done more with the drugs, addiction, and escapism themes.

I find the 'not giving your pony self a name' rule a bit absurd honestly. People are turning into cartoon horses and names are what pushes them over the brink? Hell, who knows how many people on this board have ponysonas? It's a very artificial way to add extra 'oomph' to the conclusion.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the detailed transformation scenes reminded me of the An American Werewolf in London. You know, that scene. I don't know if this is typical of TF stories, but Nonny's transformation is quite the jarring tonal shift for me. Could be more, I don't know, magical? More an issue of personal taste than anything else I suppose.

I like your use of metaphors and similes. Used sparingly, as they should be, punctuates and enhances whatever points you're trying to get across. Good imagery, no complaints here.

3/5

>>29594505
To reiterate on an earlier point, you spend a lot of effort building up the sexual tension (not gradually either) between Anon and Nonny, but I don't feel it because I'm fairly certain they're going to get together anyways. So all this stuff about admiring his wings and blushing and being coy falls flat. It's cliched and a bit of slog to get through. They also don't display much trepidation or personal conflict before deciding that they're gonna stop being best friends and start being lovers. With Nonny, I can understand to an extent, but I also have questions about him. Has he always felt this way about Anon? Is this a new development thanks to the transformation, or are these feelings more deepseated and genuine? Does he even know himself?

One of the biggest problems I have with your story is general lack of conflict. There are very few obstacles being overcome. I can't speak for everyone, but it would take a lot more beyond my male friend and I turning into a stallion and mare for me to start nuzzling against his neck and rubbing my face into his chest. Yet here, they get physical very fast with barely a hint of hesitation. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with no drops or hills going a steady seven miles an hour. Take Anon and Nonny's first kiss; it should be a magical moment, an emotional crescendo to affirm hitherto hidden, mutual affection, but it just sort of happens. The scene that captivated me the most? Anon trying to figure out how to piss as a mare. Because that was a problem that was resolved with some difficulty. Your characters need to struggle with something, instead obligingly going with the flow of the story. And I mean really struggle, not just say or think they're struggling.

4/5

>>29594509
Here's a thought experiment for you. How do you think your story would hold up without the inclusion of any pony? Would Anon and Nonny admit their love for each other if they weren't ponies? Did becoming ponies create this love, or merely awake it? Imagine this, what if they had thrown the pills away and loved each other not because of their forms, but despite them?

To answer your question of whether or not you accomplished what you set out to do, from my personal perspective (keeping in mind that I don't typically read TF, so any twists or subversions you might've included flew right over my head), I can't say you did. Which is a damn shame, because you have talent as a writer. You can put together some damn evocative imagery and nice touching moments. But conflict and drama are what good stories are made of and it's sorely lacking here. Maybe I'm the wrong audience for this, but as a love story, I can't find all that much to love here. I don't hate it either, it's just a slight variation of a story I've seen before, with emotional elements that could've been explored more.

5/5

>>29516003
>I can't believe 4CC killed us edition

Still too soon, anon