Ponies in Earth #80: Valentines day edition

>>29479308
Signing in

So PiE, how would you spend valentines day with your waifu?

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>>29479308
Dude, you're gonna get the fucking thread deleted or at least the OP deleted.

>>29479483
Gave her a rose, box of chocolates, a bulldog plushy with a big plush heart on the collar, and a $200 necklace with an aquamarine stone, small diamond insets, and a white gold chain and infinity spiral thing around the gemstone. Then we had sex like two and a half times since last night.

Next on the agenda: PiE Day and how we as a thread are gonna celebrate.

>>29479483
Between her legs, of course!

>>29479483
Teach her how to make a snowman while she teaches me how to make a snowpony

Hot drinks when we get back inside

Browse Imgur's most viral images and use them as conversation starters

Go out to dinner somewhere with a good vegetarian menu

When we get home again I'd scratch behind her ears, rub her belly, and cuddle like the bestest of best friends. And then we'd fuck.

Green coming soon-ish. I'm making a Trollestia in Earth one shot. It's somewhat political but I tried to keep it mostly funny.

>>29479308
I fuck that mare
Really hard

You guys have no idea how hard I'd fuck that horse

>>29481637
Would you tie her legs up with her long and soft tail?

I love PiE

>>29481223
Sounds good, can't wait!

>>29479308
>That picture

WTF WAS THAT??!!

?puffy vulva

Really makes you think

>>29479308
Tell me...did the Sneaky Bat story ever continue

>>29483562
Sneaky bat stopped years ago ;_;

Threadly reminder that--wait. I forgot. What was I supposed to tell you? Someone remind me.

>>29484002
That Pilly is best silly poner

Please tell me Aching Scaphoid is not dead

>>29484475
He aint

Earth is no place for a poni.
Shoo, shoo!

>>29484488
Then when is the nest LD update coming? It's been months

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>>29484475
>>29484488
I'm not. I just keep getting sidetracked.

>>29484984
>Approaching the fourth anniversary of the start of LD
>Barely any progress since the last update
>Should not have gone full backstory on the part where I shift perspectives because the new setting is hard to write and not as interesting
>FUGGGG

Sometime in March or April I guess, unless you meant an actual nest update with griffons or whatever. That would be more appropriate for a oneshot with Gilda getting a lady-boner for pic related. I've already got something like two oneshots and an experiment in prose on the table and I don't need to start anything else.

>>29479308
OH yaaaaa yaaa

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>>29484896
Earth IS place for poni!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find funny cat pictures without the internet?!

>>29485319
Should've used magic ya nong.
I bet those hornheads have some kind of arcane network where they discuss their plans to dominate every other race.
Surely they will be able to produce a funny cat picture.

>>29485358
In Equestria
>Either have to be a unicorn or have one working for you to get online
>Celestia has access too and does not approve of the Unicorn Supremacist Movement
>She is capable of literally slapping someone through the magic-net
>Also Luna has access and is a one-mare crusade against anything lewd

On Earth
>Either pay bills or go to a public library
>The Equestrian government has about as much access as anyone else
>No threat of physical assault (unless ur dumb and get doxxed)
>Among the worst things that can happen is being called Hitler, but that can actually be a compliment in these weird times

>>29479308
Anon that pic is lewd

>>29485229
Hey, no worries man. I know life gets pretty busy, I'm just glad to know you are not dead. Quick question, if the thread does again should we just follow your pastebin or are you planning to post in another thread?

>>29485514
You underestimate how a pony can react to being called Hitler.

>>29485597
PiE is part of AiE whenever we don't have threads up, and as far as I know crossposting PiE is encouraged. I'll post there if PiE isn't available. If you mean the thread stops coming back, that doesn't look likely.

We're on a monthly schedule now. With how often all the other generals are full of bumps, we're content to do the same if it means keeping a dedicated place to talk about ponies on Earth and post stories. Failing that, we're planning on creating a new thread on the 14th of each month if there isn't a PiE thread already on the board..

>>29485691
Okay, nice. Your Story if my favourite so far anf I've been reading it since the beginning, so glad to know you still plan on continuing

>>29479308
don't lewd the horse

the-one-who-lifts-her-tail

boop

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>>29486312
Reciprocal booping between a pony and human.

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>>29486397
das cute

Love for ponies

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>>29487836
Love is for ponies.

>>29487836
>>29487960
Cadence has appeared next to you at this very moment and tells you to go get laid.

Wat do?

>>29488429
Tell her to fuck off because I'm saving myself for wizardhood.

>>29482188
Yes

>>29488429
Say
"Y-you too"

>>29488429
"Fuck off, Cupid. My dick is sore from Valentines."

>>29479308
I can clearly see the vago
Saved

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>>29488429
>"Hahah, sure thing, peetzer horse!"
>pantomime getting into a car and driving
>drive to gf store
>"Why didn't you tell me it was this easy, Cantdance? Ha ha! Now I will be getting all the laid!"
>drop the act and deadpan at her
>"Get out of my room and go back to your house husband and exorcist brat."

What are you doing at page 8 silly pony?
Don't tell me you're lost, because that's bullshit.

>>29479483
I'd bring her some flowers, we'd go out to lunch, maybe watch a movie, go home, drink and cuddle.

>Standard fare desu desu, I don't know how to be spontaneous or creative any more

>>29489522
Just pick her up and carry to the page 1

>>29488429
Ask if she's offering. Assuming the answer is no (and she IS married), explain that it's not like going to a doctor and getting a prescription.

>>29490224
I heard ponies don't like being carried around.

You again? Get off my 8th page before I call animal control.

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S T R A W B E R R Y

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>>29490805
Whoever you heard it from is doing it wrong. Ponies love that shit, especially the ones who can't fly.

>>29491568
What about those that could?

For a writing group one would think you'd have your prepositions correct. Saying "Anon in Equestria" makes sense because in its loosest definition Equestria is a general region on the planet Equus (inb4 >dat aint the planet name u fuk, whatever you fucking want to call it), just as saying "Anon in Sweden" makes sense. It doesn't make sense to say "Anon in Earth"; the title should be "Anon on Earth" or "Ponies ON Earth"

>>29492449
but then it wouldn't be pie

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>>29492343
You have to be really careful with those ones. They'll treat the person like a roost and get very territorial.

>>29492449
Pretty much >>29493306

I prefer pastries to depressing literature, and it shows that we're sort of kind of an offshoot of AiE.

boop

>>29494621

>>29494973

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>>29479308
I wish there was a way to make you ashamed of the way you're behaving.

>>29491568
They're cat.

>>29495826
I agree. This is very detrimental to the argument that Pillow Case is not a tail-lifting floozy.

>>29496024


>Pony is real
>They're perfectly intelligent and can hold conversations, but every now and then they start acting like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6IblxRHg_Y

>It's not clear whether they do it on purpose
>They tend to use it to get out of boring conversations
>It is cute, though

>>29496241
Ponies are like dogs mixed with cats

>>29496537
Only the good parts

>>29479308
Why is it ponies in earth? Shouldn't it be ponies on Earth?

>>29496919
Because the pie is good.

How do ponies deal with constant booping and unsolicited hugging attempts here on Earth?

>>29497652
They don't, It's a big problem

>>29497993
For them maybe.
People don't seem to mind booping or petting the occasional pony.
And don't even get me started on children that would hug the life out of a cute little horse.
It's a miracle none of them got kidnapped and sold as pets!

>>29479308
TAILLIFTER
AILLIFTER
ILLIFTER
LLIFTER
LIFTER
IFTER
FTER
TER
ER
R

I wonder how would a pony react to seeing an Earth pony.
It's bound to get weird isn't it?

>>29498742
>Be pony
>Meet pony who isn't from Equestria
>It has very small eyes and smells like it needs a bath
"Hello!"
>[horse noise]
>This must be the native language
>It seems easy enough to pick up on
"[interrogative horse noise]"
>[horse noise]
"[declarative horse noise]"
>[horse noise]
"[joke about a barbershop and kitchen appliance store told via horse noises]"
>[nickering that is interpreted as laughter but is actually an unrelated horse noise]
>You have made a friend

what's the bit-to-dollar exchange rate?

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>>29499115
Keep in mind that I know next to nothing about economics.

In the scenario of first contact, I'd assume that humanity would want to have some restrictions on magical stuff which can cause conditions they can't do anything about, but ponies would be really excited about getting stuff that can, at worst, have materials that could maybe be the reason you get colon cancer three decades from now. Humanity doesn't have any regulations about magic because they didn't need any, and would be completely off guard. Ponies would have at least SOME consumer protection for materials used, and as I said before, they'd really want our bubblegum-tape dispensers. Keeping the import/export climate in mind, it'd be rather unbalanced.

In my estimate, 1 Equestrian Bit would be worth about $3.50..

>>29499263
>what if I throw in some bubble tape
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYylraMa-X8

Since bits are golden, the price for gold'll take a sick dive once the bits start rolling our way.
I imagine that'd fuck up the world economy alright. For one thing, them bars of gold that represent country's reserves would drop in value pretty hard, ending in a world-wide default.

>>29499916
They never really establish how common gold is in Equestria. I feel like they're less common than gems, but even if it isn't just think about how heavy a stack of bits would be. I'd expect them to be a lighter metal that's plated, just for convenience's sake.

Also, non-gold standard countries wouldn't be as affected.

Gems are a dime a dozen, though. The DuBeers are fucked.

>>29499064
>[nickering that is interpreted as laughter but is actually an unrelated horse noise]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2ey1_UDj_c

>>29499916
It's also canon that jewels are really cheap, I think that even one card mentioned it

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Wing bars

>>29503773
>Pegasi are used to having spaces only they can get to
>Not many of those on Earth because aviation authorities banned cloud architecture the second they heard of it
>You would too if someone asked to put a whole neighborhood in a major corridor for jet traffic
>Urban ponies improvise
>They attach scaffolding to the walls of buildings where there aren't any windows
>It would take a crane for anyone without wings to get up to them
>Lacking any solution, most landlords begrudgingly put up with these developments because they're mostly non-residential and pegasi are too proud to build anything that's an eyesore
>They're usually restaurants and stores
>Every now and then somepony sets up a "Wing Bar"
>You'll know if there's one of those in town if none of the ponies can fly straight on a Friday night
>Ponies sober enough to fly home do so
>The rest of them are lowered to the ground with an improvised elevator called "The Bucket of Shame"

>>29504292
Must be embarrassing to be blessed with the gift of flight, only to have to take taxi cab home because you're too drunk to use your wings.

>>29504292
>the bucket of shame
>rape ensues

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>>29479308
Just realized this story I wrote a while back, fits here. Shining randomly dimension-jumps to avoid death at the frying-pan of his hormone-enraged wife.

Pic related.

>>29505648
>Shark Week anon
Good to see you still haunting the board. Are you still writing?
Have anything with the best guardhorse in mind?

>>29505696
Mainly I'm working on how to put the final finish on Anonymous Object. Something that long should finish stronger than it does now.

As for Best Guardhorse, I'm always looking for a prompt I can work with, he's fun to write. I wouldn't mind taking a run at "Anon marries Cadance And Shining" but it's been done to death, it'd be like writing a vampire story or something. I gotta have something that grabs my imagination a little to really set in and work on something ya know? Hopefully I can find something engaging and produce some more OC, I love it when folks enjoy something I made. Sometimes I think of running a CYOA but while I'm competent at GIMP I'm no artist, if it had art it'd be like Shark Week there, mostly manipulated borrowed art, if any.

Glad you remember me, hopefully I'll get back in the groove soon!

Are unicorns allowed to use magic on Earth?
What if it causes autism same symptoms as radiation sickness?
Do magic users have to be licensed here? Is magic even allowed on Earth?

>>29506367
I'd like to think of magic as an incompatible feature, so it is only accessible by ponies. Humans would watch in awe and frustration as ponies do stuff with ease while humans have to put up with various things. For example, ponies teleport to get to work, but humans get stuck in traffic.

>>29506530
I imagine that inability to work magic would bring earth and pegasi ponies close to humans, especially the earth ponies.
Could there possibly be a place for a conspiracy to create some kind of magic nullifying device to reduce unicorns' influence here? After all their telekinesis would be a real threat to an awful lot of jobs.
Besides, imagine the national security risks of letting in creatures capable of things humans have absolutely no control over, which forces us to employ even more unicorns as law enforcement officers, not to mention the smuggling of magical artifacts and having someone to handle them.

>>29506367
They probably wouldn't be allowed to if it's harmful just by proximity.

>>29506530
>Teleportation

IIRC we've only seen one or two unicorns in the show who use that, and they were supposed to be dedicated wizards whose talent is magic itself. I assume there's some sort of skill cap or power requirement involved, or it's like being a Jedi in that some people are simply incapable of it.

>Unicorn McHorse chats with his co-workers on his last break of the day
>He's been studying super hard and he's going to teleport-commute tomorrow!
>Human Apeson wishes him luck and says he'll be sad if it goes like the Pennsylvania Experiment
>Mr. McHorse looks that up when he gets back to his generic cubicle
>He begins to wonder why spellbooks never come with warning labels
>This is a real oversight by Equestria's public safety departments
>He'll call an Uber or Lyft or something if he's in a rush, but it looks like he's taking the subway for the foreseeable future

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>>29507174
>Pennsylvania Experiment
Actually it was Philadelphia Experiment.

And it looks like most unicorns simply choose not to pursue magic knowledge past telekinesis and simple everyday spells. Of course, there are more "predisposed" to magic ponies like Twilight, Sunset "Not canon" Shimmer or tovarisch Glimmer, who are capable of outstanding feats of magic, but they too had studied magic and know more than a handful of spells.

>>29506530
I still imagine physicists taping sensitive accelerometers all over the bodies of unicorns and measuring the forces acting on them when they use ponykinesis to move something. Newton's 2nd Law doesn't seem to apply--for example, Twilight Sporkle doesn't seem to have to brace herself to pick up a house-size boulder and fling it away from her. Which is a violation of the Conservation of Momentum.

Could a sufficiently powerful unicorn levitate, or even accelerate upwards via ponykinesis? This would also be a violation of the Conservation of Momentum and Newton's Second Law.

See also,

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dean_drive

"The Dean Machine, the Dean Machine!
The wonderful, wonderful Dean Machine!
You put it into a submarine
Then it flies so high that it can't be seen!
The Dean Machine!"

tl;dr all the world's physicists would go mad or drop dead of brain aneurysms

>>29507611
Perhaps their horns manipulate some field that we haven't discovered yet? Theory-of-Everything-scientists would still drop dead from all their work being for naught, but it would mean that our assumptions about how universe works stay mostly the same, except now there's one more field to work with.
And that's assuming they use that unknown field at all! They may simply be able to somehow manipulate the known fields, reshaping matter on atomic level or levitating a rock twice their size and three times the mass.

>>29507770
Perhaps.

I think the show and characters are cute--adorable, even--but if I were to meet a real talking unicorn IRL, and IRL saw that horn light up and then see reality just rewrite itself seamlessly to suit her whims--I think I'd probably scream like a little girl and run away, because the universe doesn't work that way, the universe does NOT work that way, THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY

It's all fun and games until our fundamental assumptions about reality are yanked out from under us.

>>29508269
We've seen on multiple occasions that using magic can be exhausting, especially for the untrained.
Implying that they expend energy to manipulate reality, which means that, at the very least, the laws of thermodynamics still apply. And if that is true, what else does the magic user have to contend with?

>>29507562
>Philadelphia Experiment

Fuck, I should have googled it.

Bouncing off of your point about Glimglam, her childhood BFF shows up in season 6 as an extremely studied mage who lacks either the technique or raw energy to cast all the spells he has an encyclopedic knowledge of. There's definitely some sort of limiting factor other than literacy.

>>29507611
Your question was answered in the show. Twlight did it once in early S3 and Starlight's done it a couple of times, though she seems to use it only when absolutely necessary.

>>29507770
I personally subscribe to the first theory. A microwave oven would have been considered magical 200 years ago to us, so actual magic being something we simply haven't discovered yet seems plausible enough to me.

>Wanted ad goes up for a unicorn willing to perform simple tasks with magic inside a particle accelerator's detection chamber
>A week later, everyone in the testing facility has a particle named after them
>Even the janitor
>It will take decades to compile and understand all the data
>Pony is paid about $350 and sent on its way
>Pony is satisfied with the money and buys way more snacks than is responsible

>>29508586
Two words: horn overheating. It's been used as a visual gag at least twice IIRC.

>>29507611
Since (at least a few) unicorns can manipulate multiple objects at once via telekinesis, perhaps they simply create the opposing force in the ground or floor or whatever. This would put a convenient limitation on what they can do with their skills - unicorns who can handle only one object at a time would be incapable of lifting themselves. Rarity should be able to do this, but perhaps her telekinesis isn't strong enough (well, there's probably evidence somewhere in the show that it is, but meh).

However, the coolest solution to telekinesis apparently being non-compliant with Newton's laws of motion is: screw Newton, ponies can warp spacetime.

>>29479308
Oh my

>>29504292
>>The rest of them are lowered to the ground with an improvised elevator called "The Bucket of Shame"
I laughed.

tickle a pony!

>>29509637
>and buys way more snacks than is responsible
Cute!

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Thread is slow, so every day is repost day.
-----
>yet another cold winter afternoon
>you're at the supermarket with Purplesmart
>she's wearing her human disguise to look like human guys (but she's not a man, she's a u-ni-corn)
>"This is amazing! How do you do this? I thought humans didn't have magic."
"What do you mean?"
>"It's February, there's a foot of snow on the ground, and you have fresh apples. Fresh oranges. Even fresh spinach, and that stuff doesn't keep long, even refrigerated! How do you do this?"
"It's called 'international trade.' Most of what you see here was grown in Mexico, South America, or South Africa, and it comes here in enormous ocean-going vessels called 'freighters.'
>"And they're fast enough that they can pick the spinach thousands of miles away and it's still fresh when it gets here?"
"Pretty much. In this country we export a lot of raw foodstuffs, see. Corn, soybeans, and wheat. Also manufactured goods--computers, machine tools, automobiles, jet engines, industrial machinery, anything you can name, really. And we import fresh produce, among other things."
>you finish your explanation
>and look around
"Miss Sparkle, what ARE you doing?"
>she looks up at you innocently, with blueberry juice running down her face
>she's discovered the fresh berries and she's gorging herself right there in the aisle
>a bald-headed guy with a big mustache and an apron is marching purposefully towards you, looking very unhappy
>you force a fake smile
>it was an "it's a supermarket, not a salad bar" day

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And because now I'm thinking of food porn, 1/2
-----
>day 100% of your RDA of protein on Earth
>the ponies have been visiting Earth for months now
>it's still a minor sensation when they're seen in public places
>so they wear magical disguises
>not that they aren't generally recognizable anyway
>Miss Sparkle, with that pink stripe in her hair, for example
>Griffins came over too
>Gilda's here, not griffin a fuck, not disguised, flipping the bird to humans who point and yell
>you're touring a supermarket
>Gilda is pushing a shopping cart full of assorted meat products
>everything from cold cuts to jerky to ground beef to sausages to a stack of chuck roasts and a tray of chicken thighs
>she can do that, she's paying in gold
>it's more than she can carry but you've rented a car, courtesy of the Equestrian Embassy
>Twilight Sparkle looks on with morbid fascination
>there's got to be a hundred pounds of stuff in that cart
"Hey Gilda, you want to try some barbecue sauce?"
>"Whatever, dweeb."
"I'll take that as a yes."
>and you put a couple bottles of cheap store-brand barbecue sauce in the shopping cart
"Either of you want some fresh vegetables?"
>Gilda's response is a curt "As if."
>Miss Sparkle is considerably more enthusiastic about the produce section
>you get some corn on the cob and some aluminum foil to wrap it in for the grill
>some carrots, some onions
>a bag of charcoal, a twelve-pack of beer
>the drive home is relatively uneventful
>and an hour later the coals are ready
>Gilda is already stuffing her face with raw chicken and chasing it with warm beer
>you lay a whole chuck roast on the grill and daub the top side with barbecue sauce
>arrange some carrots in rows for Ms. Sparkle
>shuck and wrap the corn and put it on the grill too
>"I thought you dweebs were carnivores," says Gilda, looking over your shoulder at that roast
"We are. Or more exactly we're omnivores. If we eat just meat, it's fattening for us. And we get constipated."

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>>29514084
2/2
-----
>Gilda snickers at that
>"What's that sauce?"
"It's mostly tomatoes, with salt, spices, vinegar and honey. It's kind of a sweet and sour flavor that goes well with grilled meat," you say, lining up the remaining chicken thighs on the grill and anointing them with Wal-Mart's best
>you rummage around in the house and put some potatoes on the grill too, because why not?
>Gilda's on her second beer and is gnawing on some beef jerky
>Miss Sparkle is taking notes
"So the beef may be somewhat pink in the middle when I serve it. Some people prefer it that way. Poultry has to be thoroughly cooked or you risk bacterial contamination. The heat kills bacteria."
>"Only the weak ones," snickers Gilda, punctuating her remark with a belch and tossing you and Miss Sparkle cold beers
>Miss Sparkle gorges herself on corn, carrots, and potatoes
>you suppose that if she were really human she'd be hungry again in an hour
>but she's a pony
>one beer has her red-faced, too
>Gilda points at her and cackles "Lightweight!"
>you're eating your BBQ chicken and a slice of that roast with a potato
>drinking a beer, feeling like all is right with the world for once
>Gilda is putting an arm around your shoulders
>and drunkenly saying "You dweebs may be monkeys but ya put out a good spread, I tell ya what."
>Miss Sparkle is demurely eating one last ear of corn, typewriter-fashion
>you can almost hear the "ding" at the end of each row, it's adorable
>it was an all right day

>>29514084
>>29514095
Now I'm hungry.

>>29513688

>>29515601

What would pony do for a living?

>>29516780
Whatever their talent is, of course! The question is how that fits into a modern, industrial society.

>>29516780
>"Still waiting on that McDouble, Casey."
>'R-right away, sir! Aaaand voila! Ready for the customer!'
>"...That's another hayburger, which I don't even know how you're managing to make since we're in a kitchen and we have no hay."
>'I'm trying really hard, assistant shift manager Anon..'
>"Go take your break, kid, we'll work on it when you get back."

>>29517258
Silly Anon, ponies are herbivores.

Reposting from a different thread

>A small knock at the door catches your ear
>When you go to answer it, you think you've been pranked until a small voice catches your ear
>"Um...Down here?"
>You're surprised to see a filly scout right of MLP on your doorstep
>"Y-you're really tall, mister...I-I bet you've got a big appetite for cookies!"
"You realize you're a long way away from your cartoon show, right?"
>She glances around nervously
>Her vibrant colors stand out unnaturally against the more muted ones of Earth
>"I just-I turned the corner back there, and now I'm here...Is this Ponyville?"
"No. This isn't even Equestria anymore."
>She starts to look really worried
>"Oh. W-well, I'll just come back the way I came! Would you like to buy some cookies, sir?"
"I don't have any bits to pay with. We use a totally different currency here."
>She's starting to look scared
>"Okay, uh, I better get back home before my mommy gets worried..."
"Do you want me to walk with you?"
>"No! I mean, no, I remember my route, I'll be fine."
>She grips the handle of her wagon in her mouth and gallops away, boxes of cookies spilling out as she does
>You shrug and shut the door
>Returning to your copy of 'Advanced Faggotry', you don't even make it to the next page before a flurry of tiny knocks brings you back to the front door
>"Nothing looks the same, I can't-I can't find my way back, my house, my mommy, where am I?"
>She's shaking like a leaf
>She looks absolutely terrified
"Would you like to come in?"
>As soon as you offer, she bolts inside and hides behind your couch
>Well, at least you can stave off your crippling loneliness for one more day

>>29517816
poor lost pony

>>29479308
puffy
vulva

>>29516193

>>29517816
That would be heartbreaking to be that filly

>>29518739
>>29519982
If nobody writes it, she never finds her way back home.

>>29520002
I could write just a very short "ending", I'm not a good writer...

gentle boop

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>>29507562
Maybe unicorn magic is divine based, where some magical intangible divine supercomputer being does all the heavy math? Could also explain how cutie marks just appear with some ultimate being pulling the strings. Could also explain why friendship and harmony is so sacrosanct to these tiny horses, despite their conflicts and mannerisms common to us.

It also gives equestrian magic a feeling of science, while still giving it a black box (where the IO is friendship==magic) necessary to give it the air of mystery.

And it has the way it can explain how side effects can still be kept firmly in the E for Everyone TV rating. It's because an extra-dimensional wizard did it, essentially.

>>29522458
I like this.

unsolicited pony booping

>>29523742
dangerous

boop the pone

>>29525032

>>29525032
Without solicitation? That's dangerous!

We need to figure out how to solicit boops. For safety.

>>29525961
>implying boops need to be solicited
If pony enters the booping range, she agreed to be booped.

>>29526003
This is 4chan, we're all about the surprize buttse, I mean, boops.

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>>29526034
>surprise buttboop

>>29526003
>>29526034
>>29526053


That's it! I was considering a repost but you've forced my hand to boop. This is what happens when you don't boop safely!

>Be Anon
>"Hands off, don't boop!"
>Live in the city, a few blocks from city hall
>"Hands off, don't boop!"
>Attempting to sleep
>"Hands off, don't boop!"
>It's not working
>Jesus Christ, these ponies been chanting ALL NIGHT
>Ponies who have moved to Earth do not like when strangers cuddle, pet, or otherwise snuggle them when they're just trying to live their horsey little lives
>They would like if stronger harassment laws were in place
>The message got across hours ago, thank you
>Freedom of speech isn't so great when it infringes on your freedom of sleep
>This is what happens when being chronically adorable becomes a social issue
>Hashtags and protests with the locals caught in the crossfire
>It all started a couple years ago
>Stallions tend to think they're less likely to be snuggled, but statistics vary
>When a stallion was rolled onto his back in the middle of the street and forcibly belly-rubbed for hours, something snapped
>Protests flared up out of nowhere
>It took several weeks and the goddamn National Guard to get things under control
>A wave of widely-reported snugglings last summer and an opinion column from some reporter pony set it all off again
>Hungry protesters buying out entire supermarket produce sections
>Public parks full of picnics and frolicking
>It's best not to talk about what happened to bakeries and candy shops

>>29526080

>You're almost at the point of resigning to not getting sleep tonight
>Unless you do something
>Not entirely sure what, but something
>"Hands off, don't boop!"
>...Yep, there it is
>You don your bathrobe and bunny slippers and march your groggy ass out onto the steps of your apartment building
>It's a chilly spring night
>Not too unpleasant except for the obvious
>The street is packed with protesting ponies and lined with snow from that other pony protest
>A bunch of pegasi who want plane-free airspaces rented a ship and have been tossing snow showers in from international waters once every few weeks
>They've been at it since February, and it's getting less and less effective
>It's a day away from being Cinco de Drink-o
>The weather's been a bit colder than normal, but most of their snow melts before it even comes ashore
>The ponies here seem content with chanting and picket signs with slogans against non-consensual cuddles
>Some of them are floating or flying their signs above the crowd to make them easier to see
>All of them are chanting
>"Hands off, don't boop!"
>All of them
>There are a few police officers scattered around
>None of the pony officers seem to be on duty
>Go figure, there are probably a few who've joined the crowd
>They probably feel like nobody takes them seriously because of how cuddly they look
>Time to make your opinion known
"Hey!"
>Literally none of them are looking in your direction
"Hey, I'm trying to sleep over here!"

>>29526083

>Still nothing
>You probably ought to buckle down and get ready to shout all night
"Goddammit, don't you believe in that 'Magic of Friendship' stuff? I'm trying to sleep!"
>A few of them actually glance towards you this time
>Progress!
>An earth pony mare with a blue coat and a disheveled mane that's a crayon-like shade of yellowish green is even walking towards you
>More progress than expected
>She stops at the base of the apartment steps and starts shouting to you
>"The Magic of Friendship is what this is all about! It's being twisted and abused! You can't just go straight to physical affection without anything before that! If you wouldn't do it to a human, you shouldn't do it to us!"
>She turns back to the crowd, giving you a look at her cutie mark
>It looks like a gray rod with a really droopy peach on the end
>She shouts to the crowd from her new position
>"Isn't that right?"
>A cheer erupts from the crowd behind her
>It should be noted that none of the ponies who are paying attention to your little sidewalk debate were cheering
>The mare faces you again and smirks
>"See? My friends back me up on this."
>Oh, great
>It's one of the delusional ones
>Even so, there are a few ponies stopping to watch
>You don't take the time to count them, but your shot-in-the-dark estimate is something like 16 or 17
"Lady, you have the right to protest and all that but I have things to do in the morning! Show some damn sympathy!"

>>29526089


>Her smirk unfurls into a scowl
>"I'm not getting any sympathy from humans for what I have to put up with! I can't go a week without someone trying to tousle my mane!"
"Well maybe you would get some sympathy if you weren't keeping the whole neighborhood up!"
>A few of the protestors who'd stopped to watch the argument shrug at your words
>The mare simply stomps her hoof
>"You don't get it! I've never met a human that has any idea how..."
>You tune out the pony's tirade as you notice a pegasus mare stepping out of the crowd behind her
>Huh, looks like the streets are starting to clear
>That hasn't stopped any of the chanting
>The newcomer has a wavy, brown mane and a dull red coat
>At first it looks like she's going to join in with the mare who's already yelling at you
>Then you realize she looks strangely happy, and she seems more focused on the yelling mare than she is on you
>Meanwhile, the oblivious blue mare is still ranting
>"Then there's the way you look at me! Always looking down at me, fawning over me like I'm a foal. I'm a grown mare, darnit! Is it too much to ask for you to take me seriously?"
>The red mare says something to the blue one beside her, but you can't hear it over the ranting
>The blue mare also doesn't seem to hear it and just keeps ranting on
>"I stopped wearing makeup because of that! I feel self-conscious and ugly all the time, and what does that get me? Nothing! Nothing changed!"

>>29526092

>The reddish mare speaks up a little
>"Blue, they passed the bill! We ought to go celebrate."
>Not sure if the pegasus was calling the ranting pony by name or color there
>Either way, the ranting mare will not shut up
>"And the kids! Sweet Celestia, it's like personal space isn't even a thing to them! There's no excuse not to keep them on a tight leash if they aren't going to keep their grubby little hands to themselves. I know humans make leashes for their young! I've seen them!"
>The red pony reaches over the blue one's back and pulls her into a side-hug
>For whatever reason, this is the one thing that stops the blue pony's tirade
>And from the looks of it she's stopped breathing and frozen in place
>The red mare snuggles in a bit toward the blue one
>"C'mon, Blue! Leave this guy alone and let's go get some donu-"
>The blue pony screams and flails in a panic, catching the pegasus totally off guard
>She bats at the pegasus with her front hooves and all but throws the mare off of her
>You cringe a little as you hear one of them smack across the pegasus mare's nose
>She stumbles and trips on an ankle-high snowbank in an attempt to back away from the onslaught
>"Blue! Blue Marble, stop! It's me!"
>Oh, so her name IS Blue
>The now-named mare relaxes from whatever panic attack she was having
>"Honeybunch? Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I-I just felt something grab me and I-"

>>29526095

>A police officer pushes through the crowd of onlookers with his badge out and cuts her off
>"Officer Anon, MLPD! What's going on here?"
>The pegasus is too busy trying to un-boop her nose to reply
>This leaves Blue to plaster on a fake smile and respond
>"Nothing. Nothing happened."
>"Are you sure about that?"
>"It was just a misunderstanding. Everything's fine."
>Another, older-looking officer walks up and casually flashes his badge
>"Sergeant Anon, MLPD. Ma'am, if anything violent happened, you'd do well to tell us now."
>"It was an accident. There's nothing wrong."
>"Rrright. No charges against you, but we're going to have to detain you until we can get everyone's story straight. Officer Anon, watch her while I go get some background."
>There's a simultaneous "Yes sir" and "Aw, crud" from the officer and pony, respectively
>Seargeant Anon starts walking up the apartment steps to you with a notepad and pen in hand
>Well dammit
>You really should have just stayed inside
>"Sir, you were involved in this, correct?"
>Half of the street must have at least glanced in your direction at some point
>Probably best to keep the BS to a minimum
"Yeah. I didn't punch anyone, if that's what you're asking."
>"You're not being accused of anything. Is this your place of residence?"
"It is. Apartment 33."
>He glances up from his notes
>"Nice dubs."
"Thanks."
>"Spell your name for me, please?"

>>29526098

"A-N-O-N-Y-M-O-U-S."
>"I honestly don't know why we bother doing that when tripfags are so easy to spot. Tell me what happened here, from the beginning."
"Alright, so I'm trying to sleep and I can't because the crowd is keeping me up. I go outside to shout at no one in particular to keep it down, which catches her attention."
>You motion over towards Blue
"We get into a brief debate about what the point of this march is, it devolves into her ranting at me while I wait for her to finish, and then the one who got punched tells her the march is over anyway. Go figure."
>Sergeant Anon nods in sympathy
>"Shitty timing. What happened next?"
"Well, the blue one doesn't hear or doesn't care, so the other one hugs her all buddy-buddy and says 'hey, no reason to bother that guy anymore' -me, I mean- 'let's go get some snacks or whatever!' Blue has some sort of fucking panic attack and starts slapping at the pegasus, and then you guys come over."
>Sergeant Anon mutters to himself as he finishes taking down your testimony
>"...'some sort of fucking panic attack.' Thank you. Stay there a minute, we might need to talk with you again."
"Shit, standing around with my dick in my hand is how I spend most of my free time anyway."
>"Amen to that."
>Sergeant Anon tips his cap to you (thank fuck that fedoras aren't standard issue) and rejoins his colleague

>>29526101

>They start speaking a little too quietly for you to hear, but you can tell they're talking about the pegasus from the way they keep pointing to her
>She's bleeding pretty heavily from her nose
>Officer Anon pulls a roll of gauze from his belt and approaches Honey-what's-her-face
>Just as he kneels down by the pegasus, the blue earth pony jumps him and shoves him to the ground
>"Keep your hands off her, you dirty ape!"
>It's probably worth mentioning that Officer Anon's skin tone could be described as 'somewhere between Nestle and Hershey milk chocolate'
>Some purple pegasus mare in the back of the crowd whips a smartphone out of her hoodie's belly pocket, seemingly by reflex, and points it at the scene unfolding before her
>A packet of Skittles is dislodged by her quickdraw and begins to slide out of her pocket
>Officer Anon throws himself off the ground towards Blue, who's gone slackjawed at how much she's fucked up
>He pushes one forehoof out from under her with a kick, pulls the other one out with a swipe from his hand, and pins her spread-eagle by kneeling on top of her spine
>The Skittle packet hits the ground after a moment that seemed to pass in Zack Snyder-esque slow motion but happened faster than you can say "Kunta Kintae's severed toes"
>"AGH! My back! You're hurting me!"
>"You have the right to shut your GOD DAMN MOUTH. What you just said and did WILL be used against you in a court of law."

>>29526104

>Sergeant Anon facepalms and squats down to join in restraining her
>"Aw, hell. Let me get the zip ties on her. Ahem... you have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford one-"
>"I can't breathe!"
>Sergeant Anon reaches up and shakes Officer Anon by the shoulder just hard enough to interrupt the soulful R&B cover of 'We Shall Overcome' playing in the younger policeman's internal soundtrack
>"Ease up on her, would you? –you will be provided with a public defender. You should be given a fair and speedy trial but in this day and age we can't really promise anything."
>The squirming mare finally has her front hooves tied
>Both officers hoist her up and walk her to a nearby patrol car on her rear hooves
>Officer Anon glares at the mare with her smartphone out as he passes her
>"I didn't spend years in academy for some ignorant asshole to shove me and call me an ape!"
>Unbeknownst to the camera-mare, her bag of Skittles is scooped up by a red earth pony mare
>Once Blue is inside, Sergeant Anon pulls his junior aside and talks to him for a moment
>It doesn't take long before he turns away to leave Officer Anon stewing and guarding the car
>He briskly walks back to the still-bleeding mare and starts bandaging her nose
>"We ought to take you to the station too, if only to get you patched up. Do you know that mare?"
>The injured pegasus nods
>"Do you want a ride in a different car from her?"
>She shakes her head and smiles

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>>29526107

>Sergeant Anon helps her to her hooves and walks her over to the car
>He makes eye contact with the pony filming on her phone as he walks by
>"Turn that damn thing off."
>With the crowd that had gathered to watch your little front-porch drama dispersing, she complies
>You decide to stick around just a little while longer to see if anything else happens
>Putting the smartphone back in her hoodie pocket leads the purple pegasus to realize her Skittles are missing
>She looks around for a couple of seconds before the red earth pony taps her on the shoulder and presents the unopened bag of candy
>The red mare pulls a pair of earplugs out of her ears as the pegasus is thanking her
>Red, if that's her name, drops her earplugs in the street and they both trot off, chatting about who knows what
>Some beige unicorn mare in a hat notices the ear plugs lying in the street and stops to take pictures of them with an old-looking film camera
>...Ear plugs
>You could have avoided this whole thing with a cheap pair of foam earplugs
>Shit


DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, ANON? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BOOP A PONY IN THE SNOUT?!

>>29523742
Pony may bite.

>>29526125
>You could have avoided this whole thing with a cheap pair of foam earplugs

Not really. Then you wouldn't hear the alarm clock and you'd be late for work.

>DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BOOP A PONY IN THE SNOUT?

We prefer to spell it "snoot" or "snooter."

>>29526141
Distract pony with snacks, then boop her when she least expect it.

You wouldn't boop a stallion... would you?

>>29526623
ayyy tas gaaay

boop the pone
hug the pone
don't fug the pone

>>29527981
Certain specific individual poners are for sexual, though most of them are not.

>>29507562
Actually "wizards" are those who study magic as their job in equestria and it seems to be a widely known idea by the way glimmer talks about it.

emergency page 10 catagory boop

Would it be possible to bribe a pony with snacks?

>>29531249
maybe

Would you help pony smuggle Earth snacks to Equestria?

>>29532597
Yes.

I bet the black market snacks for magical doohickeys trade is booming.

>>29532597
For a price. What are they paying me with? Bits? Dollars? Friendship? Platonic cuddles? Non-platonic cuddles?

Rape dollars?

>>29533847
Bits, magic snacks and adventures on pony black market.

>>29533847
Belly tickles

>>29531249
>Would it be possible to bribe a pony with snacks?
Let's see.
>be Anonymous
>go to Equestria
>oddly, W.T.Snacks is already there
>talk to adorable poners
>they won't even take a bribe from you unless W.T.Snacks is there
>strange

Yes. It is possible to bribe a poner, if you are there with Snacks. However, around Snacks never relax.

Ponies fix mental problems

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https://derpibooru.org/1369802

>>29535965
Why did you crop it if the derpi link doesnt have any genitals?

>>29535996
I wasn't sure whether this was going to make it so I cropped it just in case.

>>29536087
you can see pillow cases camel toe in the OP, and that's still there ;)

>>29535890
Yes they do. They're a well-known cure for job-related stress non-sexually and non-violently

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/323858/pony-break

I want a pony to help my depression

>>29537042
They aren't miracle workers, Anon

>>29537046
You underestimate the ability of cute little ponies to relieve stress.

Ponies and modern technology don't go well together.

>>29538355
Look, I already told pony which remote turns on the tv and which one turns on the cable

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>>29538404
You misunderstand. Ponies are very social animals. They would immigrate to Earth just for internet access. Facebook and Twitter's user bases would double in the span of months. Omegle would be overloaded with actual, productive, and friendly conversations.

They go too well together. That's why they don't go well together.

>>29538741
>curious good-hearted ponies and the internet
This can only end well.

>>29538798
>Pornhub traffic goes through the roof because ponies can't get enough of it
>Most of them don't find human sex very arousing Lyra is not in the "most of them" group
>They literally watch it for the plot
>Huge fandom community of ponies discussing the finer points of porn filmography and writing unironically
>They spread headcanons about how individual movies are all part of the same universe
>Live-action porn industry is revived by an absurd number of donations to an equally absurd number of Kickstarter and GoFundMe fan campaigns

It is a terrible idea to give a pono access to porno.

It should be done anyway.

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>>29538854
>ponies love human porn for the plot
>"Oh my god, Bonnie, does she KNOW that's her daughters boyfriend?"
>'Shhh! I think the husband is watching..'

>>29538854
>>29538889
>Be perpetually angry far-right human
>Use internet to vent your anger from all the slights the world has thrown at you (and a few that it hasn't but you like to pretend it has) right back at things you believe are wrong with society
>This helps stave off nihilistic thoughts while not actually doing that much
>A thread catches your eye
>Someone is actually trying to defend cucks!
>Not on your favorite Burmese tattoo artistry p2p exchange, they don't!
>Write long and passionate response about how unnatural interbreeding is
>You wait for their response while rationalizing that your anger is definitely not compensating for your feelings about how your great-great-great-great-great grandfather's second cousin once removed married someone from the next town over that once stole the bucket to his town's drinking well a century before he was born
>Reply shows up
>They weren't talking about race
>wat
>Write long and passionate response about how cultural intermingling and appropriation is bad
>You wait for their response again while trying not to think about how you were indirectly advocating for political correctness and the continued stigma of "black face" acting
>Reply shows up
>They weren't talking about that either
>Ask what they mean
>They meant actual cucks, like in those porn videos
>Oh
>Ask if the OP is a pony
>Reply shows up again
>They are a pony
>They got lost on the internet somehow
>You link them to the site they were looking for and send them on their way
>Silly ponies

>>29539440
>Be perpetually angry far-left human
>Encounter pony on internet
>They ask for a porn link
>TRIGGERED.WMV
>Froth at the mouth and slam your flesh-clumps into the keyboard to create a response about how the porn industry is degrading to women and anyone who likes porn should be slathered in burning napalm in a pit of used HIV needles and rusty razorblades
>Reply shows up before you can block the pony
>They were looking for male-on-male homosexual porn
>Oh
>You praise their open-mindedness and link them to a few of your favorite sites and also your collection of yaoi shipping fanfictions

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>>29538889
>'Shhh! I think the husband is watching..'

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>>29538854
>>29538889
>>29539440
>>29539485
can I have some more green please?

>>29539597
>"Last time on.../Blacked/.."
>'LYRA, IT'S STARTING!'

boop

>>29540426

>>29540426
if you keep on boopin'
you're gonna get a whoopin'

Ayo PiE, just thought I'd post my story here from Slave Pony General because it's finally done. Almost 82,000 words of Starlight Glimmer struggling to accept her sudden rise to authority on a large pony farm. No lewd shit, so don't be discouraged if that's a concern and don't waste your time if that's what you want.

http://pastebin.com/TnWCRgzK

>>29541939
Thanks for the GlimGlam my FiM senpai.

>>29542348
Okay then, I just found out that the first three letters of family filters to "senpai." Why did I never notice this?

>>29542355
Also typing out T-B-H normally turns into desu

>Page 9
Boop a day keeps the coroner away.

>>29543113

>>29480352
>>29480352
based anon is based

Good morning! How age you doing?

>How age you doing?
What did he mean by this?

>>29543113
Ponies need boops to live? Sounds like quack doctoring to me.

>>29544233
Fine thank. How is pony?

>>29544233
Lewd incoming

>>29545496
oh jeez

>>29545496
>>29535965
https://derpibooru.org/1371222

Check em

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>>29545679
Oh jeeeeeez

Not bad. Checked.

Pillow Case drinks milk straight from the bag

>>29547595
Is she Ca-neigh-dian, then?

>>29547801
I forget what her home town is, but now I want to say it's Vanhoover.

I think Lux said he pictures her with sort of a California accent. Now I don't know what she sounds like.

>>29548538
No, I never said that. you guys bullied me by saying she has a valley girl accent
Hometown is fetluck iirc

>>29504292
Shame! *ding* Shame! *ding* Shame! *dind*

>You're dog catcher Anon
>Get a call to catch some dogs
>Them ain't like no dogs you ever done seen
>They're some kinda strange, multicolored, tiny horse-dogs
>When they see you, they scatter, all sprinting in different directions and shouting in some sort of strange horse language
>Fuckin' illegals
>They're probably here to steal hard-working American horse-dog jobs
>One of them doesn't run
>The minty green one
>It's mouth hangs open for a few seconds, before it pulls up into a wide grin
>It bounds happily up to you, talking a mile a minute in its traitorously unamerican tongue
>As it reaches up and braces its hoofers on your hips, you pat its head and say a few words at it until it catches on that you're speaking different languages
>Stooping down on one knee to get a closer look at it, you're immediately assaulted by a fresh wave of wordless affection
>Well, trying to chase down the ones that got away was probably a fruitless endeavor for now
>You'll wait for more tiny horse sightings and try to scoop the rest of them up
>For now, you gotta get minty here back to the shelter
>The cages in the back don't feel appropriate, so you offer it the passenger seat
>It accepts graciously, leaping onto the seat and staring eagerly up at you as you climb into the driver's seat
>It's startled by the sound of the engine, but a quick ear scratch calms it's nerves
>You pull away from the site quickly and head down the road
>Noticing that your mirror is off you adjust it and catch a quick glimpse of a cream colored pony chasing after your truck before it disappears into the distance
>You'll take care of it when the call comes in
>For now, you've got a new guest to get settled in at the shelter

Weird idea from a recently deceased thread, not gonna continue it myself.

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>>29552809
Lyra's a good horse for this sort of thing, what with her human obsession and all that.

>>29553814
>that image
goddamnit minthorse how can you be so cute? you're not even my waifu and yet I love you.

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>>29554276
>Not your waifu
>Implying that's an obstacle
>Implying she doesn't have bisexual threesomes with Bonbon all the time
>Implying candyhorse wouldn't want to be left out and make it a foursome

It's like your're trying not to get laid by fictional cartoon horses.

We still doing that taillifter meme?

>>29554783
I'd prefer if we didn't, but that's not stopping anyone.

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Go ahead, call the ponice.
They can't unboop you.

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T A I L L I F T E R

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More browser pone goodness

https://derpibooru.org/1372756
https://derpibooru.org/1372757

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>>29557732
OH JEEEEEZ

Story idea
>Diamond dog is hired for a security checkpoint job
>It turns out that having a bomb/drug/other thing people shouldn't have-sniffing nose and the capacity for speech are two very desirable characteristics in combination
>The other guards still have to keep a spray bottle handy for when he feels pent up and tries to hump someone's leg

>>29479308
Soooooooooooo THICC
ill fuck that in a heartbeat

>>29562566
You could just bribe the dogcurity with ear scratches.

>>29562773
Or bacon.

Hell, you could bribe ME with bacon.

>>29562566
>>29562773
well, then the answer is simple
every time they report someone trying to bribe them with ear scratches, they get ear scratches and a handie
stops the leg-humping problem, too

>>29562822
"Would a squeaky chew toy change your mind officer?"
>"N-no."
"And if I throw in a box of treats and a fresh steak, you can smell it, can you?"
> . . .
"So whaddya say off-?"
>"Alright, alright! Just go away before someone sees us."

>>29526146
>you wouldn't hear the alarm clock and you'd be late for work
I use my cellphone set to vibrate and keep it beneath my pillow. Works a treat.

>>29562773
>"All right, Fido-"
"Do you even read my name tag? Fido's my good-for-nothing brother that always ate my homework."
>"Whatever. We've got a wanted African warlord on the run. Goes by the name Tsa Goodboy. Here's the file with his picture, favorite meals, colognes we know he uses, all sorts of stuff that you can use to sniff him out."
>Name sounds familiar
>Can't place it
"What's his name?"
>"I just told you. It's Tsa Goodboy."
"No, I heard you the first time. It's just... he sounds familiar, somehow. Like I knew the name before you even said it."
>"Do you actually know this guy?"
"No. I mean, I don't think so, but I feel like I do. Who is he? I KNOW this. It sounds so familiar! How do I know Tsa Goodboy? It's in my head somewhere and I can't find it! WHO'S TSA GOODBOY?! Argh, I'm going to be up all night trying to figure this out!"
>"Down, Rover! You're already up at night howling at the moon."
>He's right
>About the howling, but not the name
>Neither of those points are helping
"Shut up, I need to think! And for the love of dog, learn to read my name tag!"

>>29565025
>Fido's my good-for-nothing brother that always ate my homework.
kek
Dis gud, waiting for more. D-dogs need work more than those eyerape-colored horses.

>>29564002
That's lifehack material right there. I wish I'd thought of that.

>>29565054
>>29565025
>Diamond dogcurity still hasn't figured out who Tsa Goodboy is
>Tries not to let this affect his performance
>His job is important
>"Hey, Rex."
"That's not my name. What is it?"
>"I think I saw that orange pony's bag move. Do a pass on her, detain her if you smell anything."
"I can't tell which one is orange."
>"She's wearing a hat."
"On it."
>He approaches the indicated pony
>There are a few smells around her
>Mostly apples and apple-related items
>And also a female dog
"Ma'am, I need you to step aside with me."
>"Aw shucks, what'd I d- Oh. I, uh, didn't realize they let... uh... I'm gonna stop talking now."
"And I'm going to ignore that as long as you cooperate. Open your bag for me."
>The ostensibly orange apple-hat pony sets down her bag and draws open the zipper
>A brown and white Equestrian Border Collie pops out, wagging its tail and panting
"You realize this is smuggling, right?"
>"I-I didn't mean no harm by it! I just needed to bring Winona with me."
"Winona is the dog's name?"
>"Yessir."
"Well, Winona is going to have to go in a kennel in cargo. No pets in the carry-on luggage. Go back to the ticket counter and get this sorted out."
>"I ain't got a kennel! Even if I did, she'd get lonely in there..."
"I'm just telling you the rules."
>Picking up on the impasse her owner has reached, Winona helps the only way she can
>She turns on the charm in both the literal and metaphorical sense
>Dogcurity sniffs a couple of times just to be sure
>He looks Winona in the eye, raising an eyebrow at her
>She responds with an eyebrow wiggle that says more than her words ever could
>This is because she can't speak words
>Dogcurity looks back at the pony
"Uh... is this a service animal?"
>"She's worked on the farm with us fer years, why?"
"That isn't what I- you know what? Just tell everyone that she is, keep her on a leash, and we'll let you through."
>"Oh, uh, okay. Thank ya kindly, sir."

>>29571099
Whoops, I left auto-post on.

>>29571087
>Dogcurity returns to the security checkpoint, where his superior is waiting
>"I am so glad we force you to wear pants, if only to tell you to keep that red rocket inside them."
"Shut up."
>"Come on, Duke-"
"That's not my name."
>"-I saw the way you were looking at that dog. What the hell, man? Disregarding ALL the other ways that's totally wrong and disgusting, it's tiny compared to you!"
>Dogcurity won't put up with this browbeating
"Don't give me that. We're compatible, she was coming on to me, and... I don't know, maybe she's into taller guys!"
>"That dog's a fifth of your size!"
"We'd figure something out!"
>"You were going to have sex with a dog. Literally screw the pooch. What the hell?"
"I wouldn't have done it here and now! I've got a sense of decency!"
>"If you say so."
"Whatever, man. You wouldn't understand anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go hump the leg on that mannequin you guys put in the employee restroom. That bitch got me all worked up."
>"Hey, no hard swears in public."
"I didn't swear."
>"Yes you... never mind, no you didn't. Carry on."

>>29571087
>>29571190
Kek. Nice story. That makes me wonder, does dogcurity have a stress ball he likes to play with?

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Bedtime bump

>>29573197
sleepy poni

>>29573197
That's an adorable poner

>>29574448
Anon-filly is an adorable pony who just wants to be a human again. He'd probably love to go back to Earth after all the magic shit Twilight's done to him. and he would also like to remind you of the time when "poner" was an abbreviation of "pony boner." You've been talking about horsedicks this whole time.

>>29573197
Anonfilly is cancer

>>29574511
;_;

>>29574511
On the topic of things that aren't used/are used incorrectly nowadays, what happened to wingboners?

>>29575041
That term is still used very occasionally.

>>29575041
This gives me another idea.

Ponies acting like Ariel from The Little Mermaid around items that aren't common between both worlds.They don't understand or horribly misinterpret the use of items they don't recognize.

>Photo Finish comes to Earth to work THE MAGICS
>Gets a camera
>There is a screen on the back that shows her photos
>How convenient
>Tries to get photos out of the camera
>Can't figure out how humans film canisters work
>Pries them open in the darkroom
>All that's inside is a weird liquid that burns a hole in the table
>Thinks she's lost all of her work from that trip
>*Disappointed German horse noises*

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>>29576531

>>29575731
There's some gud story material there, I know it. It just won't come to me ;_;

What is pony's first experience with public transportation like?

>>29580140
They have trains in Equestria.

>>29580155
I'm guessing the city bus in your average american city is a little different from the friendship express, not to mention paying with dollaz instead of bits

Try to keep up, ok

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>>29580140
>pony takes a bus, thinking it'll take them wherever they want
>ends up stranded at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere
>it starts raining too and a lightning strikes ground closer than it is comfortable

>>29501208
Considering that the De Beers keep themselves in power by artificially inflating the value of gems on earth, I say fuck 'em.

During a formal date, Pillow Case tries on panties for the first time. Her first experience with underwear, however, causes unexpected stimulation that she must deal with during her date.

Will she be able to remain calm and collected, or will her panties do her in? Find out next, in: Panties: a Pillow Case Story About Sexual Frustration

Brought to you by the creators of Strawberry Jammed

>>29581042
Surprise, she wets herself and ruins the date.

>>29581042
>spoiler
F I N I S H S T O R Y

Would you fuck the taillifter?

>>29581914
After dating her and getting to know her. I'd probably have to meet the parents, too.

Did we ever decide on what her parents are like? I remember something about her dad being a cop or detective or something named Hard Case.

>>29581979
Maybe he's an excop? I think he owned a shop in PC story, so maybe that's what he did after retirement to keep his life interesting?

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the future of human-pony relations:
ponies will walk up to any human they find cute/interesting/sad, etc and decide they are friends

poner

>>29582782
>Antisocial people would make conscious effort to avoid ponies
>tfw you will never see someone desperately trying to jump a fence because they made eye contact with a pony

>>29584307
Inappropriate in public

Stallion must wear pants

>>29584482
>ponies, being herd creatures, have no concept of personal space
>humans are chased down street by small groups of giggling ponies who just want to groom them
>that's how they show they want to be your friend
>and it's considered a little rude or at least a bit inappropriate not to start preening a pegasus's wings within moments of meeting
>"so I says to Silver Bell, I says" NTCH NTCH NTCH NTCH
>"hey, human, where are you going?"

>>29584541
How do they react to being casually fucked in public?

>>29584690
>Aww how lovely

>>29584482
>>29584541
Looks like pony control and pony catchers are going to be in high demand.
>caught ponies are deported for inappropriate behavior
>meanwhile twice the number crosses the border, some of them were already deported at least once
>less desirable species are allowed to stay and visit, in hopes that they would scare the pony menace away

>>29586143
>nobody bothers with rape whistles anymore
>roving gangs of pony delinquents have learned to associate the sound with a human being proactively friendshipped, and will go out of their way to join the snuggle pile
>the only reliably effective deterrents are a spray bottle filled with a little bit of vinegar and some water, or a rattley can with pennies in it
>Canterlot immediately lodges a formal complaint with the human rights tribunal in Geneva and bans the import and possession of hand operated spray bottles, pennies, and cans to any Equestrian lands or protectorates

>>29586339
>not-so-law-abiding humans and ponies start smuggling in the pony deterrents
>the ponice gets overwhelmed when street gangs get their hooves, claws and hands on the new exotic weapons of mass annoyance

>>29586822
>and then someone started smuggling in plastic vuvuzelas

>>29587329
Some people just want to watch the world go deaf.

>>29586339
The Geneva Convention only deals with POWs. You're thinking of the Hague Conventions.

>>29587421
The Geneva convention deals with both POWs and civilian noncombatants in time of war. Geneva the city hosts the office of the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, as well as the Human Rights Council. The Hague hosts the International Criminal Court, which would have no power or responsibility to prosecute an act (using common pet deterrents on tiny, intelligent horses) for which there is no legal precedent.

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Y'all forgetting the fact that it's "Human Right" aka mini-horses can go buck themselves.
Canterlot can flip their technicolor shit all they want, the only thing UN will do is express their deepest concern.
Humans will have to teach ponies about personal space the hard way. The spray-water-in-the-face way.

>>29587591
They're only "human rights" because we're currently the only game in town. I would imagine that in any peaceful first contact scenario the extension of laws and liberties to cover a broader definition of the word "person" would be among the first problems addressed. Elsewise there would be no legal basis for the deportation or prosecution of any pony, griffon, diamond dog, dragon, or whatever else for any reason at all. Don't forget, anon: laws don't just protect me from you, they protect you from me.

would pillow case be a crip, or a blood?

>>29588490
Better red then dead, so she'd be a norteno

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>>29588490
She wears purple, so... both?

>>29587933
>They protect you from me

>Be Anonymous, better known by pseudonym and real name:
>Horsechach
>No, not pronounced like 'horse cock'
>God dammit everyone makes same mistake
>Public possibly obsessed with horse penis if mistake is common
>Must investigate further
>The public, not horse penises
>Hrm
>Being vigilante harder than expected
>Too often involves dicks
>Not detective kind
>Must continue
>Streets are full of scum and other things which would make good monologue material
>Make note: metaphor about clogged gutters and flooding
>Prime source of scum, ponies
>Too friendly
>Won't leave people alone
>Pony approaches
>Light green unicorn mare, unkempt mane
>Golden harp cutie mark
>Known serial friend-maker Lyra Heartstrings
>"Hi there! How's it going, Anon?"
"Not name. Horsechach. Go away."
>"But I don't want to. I'm gonna make friends with ALL the humans."
"NOT TODAY."
>Reach into pocket in fast motion
>Retrieve spray bottle in slow motion
>Point bottle in pony's face in fast motion
>Pull trigger in super-slow motion
>Barely sprays at all
>Trigger pulled too slowly
>Pull trigger at reasonable speed
>Spray of justice and lukewarm tap water strikes foe
>"Hey!"
>Foe not deterred yet
>Continue spraying
>"Could you please not?"
>Pleas fall on deaf ears
>Spray again
>"You realize I'm used to this by now, right? Every other human does this to me."
>Lower spray bottle
>Grab foe by horn
>Pull into headlock
>"What-"
>Retrieve secret weapon
>Looks like switchblade
"YOU DON'T MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME."
>Flick open weapon
"I MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOU."
>Is actually comb
>Begin styling mane
>Brushie brushie
>"Are you going to do this every time I try?"
"Maybe. Better to keep in suspense. Brought mirror this time, like asked. Payment?"
>"Here ya go."
>Minty hoof holds up hard candy
>Likely from 'best friend'
>Take
>Eat
>Ronch ronch ronch
>Tasty
>"You chew hard candies? Wow, no offense but you're a weirdo."
"Took long enough to notice."

>>29588620
more
MORE

>>29588974
I made this as a oneshot. I didn't really put any thought into where it would go later.

If you're asking for more from me in general, I'm working on it.

Fight affection with affection.
Boop is the best pony deterrent and you always have it with you.
If pony immobilized you and is threatening to hug you without consent, you can scare it with proxy boops, telling them that someone will avenge your cuddling and boop them until they no longer seek new friends.

>>29589126
>I made this as a oneshot. I didn't really put any thought into where it would go later.

I hate it when that happens.

srsly, I write the goofiest shit, and people love it and beg for sequels. The harder I work on something, the more "meh" responses become, until no one gives any sign of having read it at all.

Tail Lifter thread wont be claimed by barneyfags spam rampage

>>29590954
>barneyfags spam rampage

Dare I ask, or is this one of those you-don't-wanna-know kind of deals?

>>29590954
They're at it again?

Good thing this isn't people in Barney suits against actual ponies. Nobody would be left unhugged and it would probably get hella awkward for the Barney guys.

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How would ponos react to 'human magic'
>"How can you NOT be a blaine-iac, Anon, he's amazing!"

>>29593399
They might not appreciate someone pulling card from their asses, or other places...
Especially someone like Bon Bon. Better invest into bucking insurance.

>>29593399
>>29593951
>pony is pissed from pissing orange soda and shitting cards

>>29594661
"What's this behind your ear?"
>"My mane. If it's anything else, I swear to Celestia..."

>>29593399
Trixie would probably be impressed by the showmanship and technique. Other ponies might like it too, they are a rather easily entertained bunch.

Earth ponies' life on Earth is hard when everything's made for someone much higher than you.

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>>29596114
>much higher than you

>>29596114
I think you mean taller, but I get your point.

"Excuse me, Mr. Human?"
>"Huh? Oh wow, a talking horse. Cool."
"We've met before. Can you get that thing off the top shelf for me please?"
>"Sure."
>Human spends two minutes reaching for the thing while standing halfway across the room from the shelf
>"Sorry. It's too far."
>Pone gives up and gets the stepladder again

>>29596151
>>29596157
Looks like sleep deprivation has finally launched it's counterattack!
It's kinda effective.
>>29596157
Reminds me of that "Bon Bon is weed-smoking Anon's pet" green.
I hope she'll get her therapy before she hurts Lyra for asking about humans. God knows that mare has some pent up anger.

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>"..Yous telling me they have mo-..eh, 'syndicates' here too, Anonymous?"
>'Yes, 'social clubs' are a thing here.'

>>29597909
Mafia pones? I'd hate JK, I'd love to see their gang wars.

>>29599012
>"Macky Big Hooves...show dis joker what happens to ponies who don't pay up."
>Burly mob pone tickles storekeeper
>'h-HAHAHAH!! S-STOP, PLEASE!!HAHAH!!'
>"DA MONEY. WHERE'S OUR MONEY?"
>'P-PLEASE, HAHAHAH!! I JU-JUST HAHAH!! N-NEED A FEW MORE DAYS AAHAHAHA!'

>>29597909
>>29600143
>pony mob meets russian bratva
>pony mob goes legit and hasn't committed a crime since

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>>29582782
I didn't understand the graph until I saw this.

>>29600864
What if they're already legit? Harassment by tickling isn't a felony as far as I know.

Alternatively

>Pony mob meets Russian bratva
>Witnesses them beating a guy for not having their money
>Is disgusted and slightly confused
>Tries to be businesslike about it
>"Now, eh, as someone less initiated in your methods of 'business,' I'm not sure I understand all of your practices."
>"You have question?"
>"Yeah, yeah. In my personal experience, the more physical difficulties a source of income has, up to and including-"
>"Is not question."
>"My apologies, I'll be more concise. If a guy's hurt, his life's harder and he's got less left to give. Why hurt 'em?"
>"Is good for motivate. In Great Patriotic War, officer commissar shoot any soldier in Red Army if to be coward so rest of unit not want to be coward."
>"Ah, so it's cultural. Shoulda figured. Our guys tickle-torture."
>"Is of ridiculous. Would never work."
>"Nonstop, for a week, locked in a basement."
>"...Would maybe work, but is not of efficient."
>"Nah, it usually takes half an hour, tops. Macky just loves his job."

Alternatively to that

>Pony mob meets Russian bratwurst
>"Ey Joey, what's this thing?"
>"I dunno, boss. Some kinda sausage, I think."
>"Smells like salt and death. Go bury it before some poor schmuck slices it up and puts it on a pizza."

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>>29601472
>"Smells like salt and death. Go bury it before some poor schmuck slices it u and puts it on a pizza."
Kek

blyat

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>>29602176
Suka!

Gopniks would have mixed feelings about ponies because pony legs are incapable of proper squatting technique.

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>>29602391
There are still plenty of races capable of proper squatting.

>>29603514
>digitigrade
>anatomical equivalent of heels constantly off ground regardless of posture

Sweet jesus, do you see that marehood? I can fucking see the outline, it's big and anatomically correct and it's fucking doing things to me, man. I need more art like this. I don't even care if this makes me a horsefucker now, I fucking need the name of this artist.

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>>29603641
>he thinks it's anatomically correct

>>29603641
he hasn't done much lewd
https://derpibooru.org/tags/artist-colon-lux

What would a pony do here on Earth?
They don't even need to work - just show up somewhere crowded, make a sad puppy face and people will throw snacks at you, maybe money too. And if you throw in some sad story about how it got booped and hugged, dropping the wallet in the process... Suffice to say the pony won't go to sleep hungry that day... and the week after.

>>29606611
>Lots of ponies do this
>Get lots of stuff
>They feel bad because humans have less stuff
>Give back some stuff, not always to the human they got it from
>Ponies miss stuff
>Humans give them different stuff
>Repeats
>Wealth is constantly redistributed
>Phenomenon becomes known as Equine Economic Equalization Entropy, or EEEE
>A bat pony named it
>Karl Marx rises from the grave to say "I told you it could work!"
>Starlight Glimmer is arrested for using necromancy to make the above event happen

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>"Ah gots plans to bag me one a' them healthy lookin' Earth stallions."
>"Yall get ready fer' a new granpappy, sugarcubes!"

>>29607148
>Healthy looking

She's either lost her sight or finally gone senile.

>>29603641
>>29604602
T-thanks. It means a lot to me.
And I do lewd way more than you guys know, but it often doesn't get finished or posted to my tumblr.
were you the guy who followed me last night?

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>>29607135
>A bat pony named it