Writefags' Guild

>>29142799
Tips and links:

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>29142807
Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

Geez. I was worried that 2016 killed you guys too

>>29142905
Nah. We're still around. The turn of the year will probably see a lull in activity, but I doubt it'll be much larger than when I do my usual weekend thing.

>>29142905
As long as this board stays up a thread like this will remain. Writefags want feedback on their shit, and most want more than the standard "it's gud, moar" that occupies 90% of 'feedback' posts in other threads. So, a writefags thread remains. Whether or not it's in this specific format and with little guy as the OP is a different story, but I don't see any reason for it to change.

Then again, I'm new in these parts, so what do I know?

>>29143243
>>29143572
Well, it's good to see you still around. What is it, like two years old now?

>>29082642
I've been continuing my rewatch when I can.
It's been a different kind of fun watching with an eye towards world building details.

Finally finished Season 1.
I really had forgotten just how much happened in that one.

I continue to be struck by adorable my little ponies are.
Also they title drop more than I remembered.

Big Mac is super talkative in Applebuck season.

I can't believe I missed this, but right in Dragonshy they talk about the dragon coming from outside Equestria. I felt like Equestria being one land or an entire world was in question for a lot of people.

I'd forgotten that "Why don't we form a consortium" was not an actual line.

Speaking of, they connect Scootaloo with Rainbow Dash a lot earlier than I remembered. Right at the end of Showstoppers the CMC run over to Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash. I wonder if they were thinking of a third sisterly relation before they decided on something vaguer (or possibly full on filly crush: "I'll do whatever you want Rainbow Dash), to become the mentorship in, what was it, third season?
It's also funny how they so strongly imply the CMC's special talents in that episode before teasing their basic conflict for years more.

Rarity you're so nasty about mules. You just hate miscegenation don't you?
I noticed that even the ponies typically agreed to be weakest, Twilight and Fluttershy, could buck Diamond Dogs off.

I sometimes thought of Pinkies cartoon powers as flanderization, but right here in Green Isn't Your Color, she appears inside a mirror.

I enjoyed seeing that in Over a Barrel Pinkie's power of laughter isn't as OP as you might think in a land where friendship is literally magic. It seemed like the settlers and buffalo felt like they weren't being taken seriously when she sang they should just share and care and that'd be enough.

How in the fuck is baby AJ carrying that bindlestick in Cutie Mark Chronicles?

>>29143859
The story I've been focusing on is a reverse gender roles one, and I've partly been amusing myself trying to see how much I could dovetail it with canon.
Best Night Ever makes a lot of those ideas harder to follow through on, between Rarity being able to casually convince a pair of stallions to pull their carriage, and her expectations of Blueblood.

I had forgotten that this episode was one of the big inspirations for the Flutterrape meme too. She really does get a bit bent out of shape when refused.
Also the meme that a lot of sugar is an intoxicant to ponies and to baby dragons.

What can you do with 6 different personalities working together? What hasn't been done before in the history of entertainment and literature?

fuck, I've been waiting for this thread.

>>29145100
And now it's dead.

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Damn, this edition dropped quicker than an earth pony flank through a cloud.

>>29144347
>What hasn't been done before in the history of entertainment and literature?
Not a whole lot, honestly.

>>29143877
Page 10, eh?
I guess I'll continue with my amusement that Rarity poked Twilight in the butt with her horn to get her attention.

Why is Rainbow Dash's voice so good?

Anyone have any tips for writing old English Luna?

>>29147641
Read Shakespeare?

>>29147674
Isn't that too over the top for Luna though? She's a little more modern than that, right? She sounds nothing like Merchant of Venice.

>>29147641
Read old English. Well, maybe not real old English, but something like Edmund Spencer. You don't have to go to that extreme, but it would give you an idea for the vocabulary of the time

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>>29147774
Thanks.

>>29147641
>>29147774
Early Modern English is the appropriate term, though you probably want to leaven it with a little modern grammar and all modern spelling to be readable.
Shakespeare is often more difficult to read because it's poetry, rather than the dialect.

I'm pretty sure this is what I used this when I was fan scanslating manga and helped the translator gloss some samurai speech to make it sound archaic.
http://public.oed.com/aspects-of-english/english-in-time/grammar-in-early-modern-english/

>>29148046
Thank you. Now I know why Shakespeare sounds like its own thing. It's poetry.

>>29148104
Not that guy, but I agree. I never knew much about Shakespeare, but after taking a British literature course, I have a new appreciation for him

>>29142209
My latest in the anonfilly thread.
Looking for some writer-centric feedback.

Do you guys feel your self drifting from the original story and getting caught up in some stupid detail and then having to rewrite and entire section?

Also I suck at ending stories. And finding a balance between emotion and detail without losing the reader's attention.

>>29149376
I'll take a look at it. I haven't done a critique in a while. And what do you mean by "writer-centric feedback" exactly. Do you mean feedback from another writer?

>Do you guys feel your self drifting from the original story and getting caught up in some stupid detail and then having to rewrite and entire section?
Yes and no. If I'm wandering away from my original plan, it's because what I had planned doesn't work, which is often the case. I usually get something near to the ending I had planned, but the road there always takes some detours.

>>29149494

Well, a some what technical critique would be nice. Other than "6/10 comfy"

>>29149376
I can tell that this was a very stream-of-consciousness approach.

In the first post, you establish a few things:
>it's winter
>Anon's a 26 year old in the body of a filly
>He is hanging out with Twilight
and
>she doesn't treat him like an adult, but rather a child

But by the third post, three of these establish facts are negated. Anon wants to start a snowball fight with the CMC. He orders Twilight to "flank-fucking-left," and she simply does it without question. You said she appears to have an internal debate, but she doesn't challenge him in any way. It's confusing, because earlier, she calls Anon adorable, despite knowing how much it aggravates him, and calls him out for swearing, despite knowing that he's an adult in a filly's body. So, why then, is she taking orders from this punk without reproach? Especially when he's so vulgar about it too. Now, don't take this as an invitation to go in the opposite direction. You don't need to have the debate of the century to convince Twilight to partake in a snowball fight, but think about how she'd feel about being bossed around by a kid with a filthy mouth.

Second, where does Rainbow Dash come from? She's part of the snowball fight, but her existence doesn't get mentioned beforehand. Did she just show up, or was she with Twilight and Anon the whole time? It's a small error, but you always want to establish ALL the relevant information before the action takes place. And where did she get her saddlebag full of snowballs? She seems awfully prepared for an impromptu snowball fight. And after the snowball fight, Anon addresses Spike. Was he part of the snowball fight too?

After the fight, Anon's overexerted himself, and needs to cool off. So why take him inside? It's winter, is it not? Frankly, I find it odd that running a short distance and tripping would cause someone to be overexerted like that anyways.

So, right out of the gate, some of the established material fails to be adhered to.

>>29150147

I'd like to go back to the snowball fight for a bit. There's one line where I feel the language isn't warranted.
>Alright, time for the final attack
Literally two things happened right before Anon charges in: Twilight runs to the left, and Dash drops a bunch of snowballs on the CMC from above. When I see the words "final attack," there's usually more set up and action that happens beforehand.

When Anon tells Spike off, why is Twilight - just now - concerning herself with him acting out more than usual? From my perspective, Anon hasn't changed from the first post to the fourth, yet Twilight's change in behavior says otherwise. If this entire story so far has been him being particularly bad, why hadn't Twilight made any observations earlier, or at the very least behave like a character that's acknowledged his bad behavior.

The crying is definitely an overreaction. It's completely unwarranted, and jarring. The first being more unnecessary than the second time. The second time at least has Anon opening up about his feelings and thoughts. But how does Twilight go from crying with Anon, to acting as if nothing happened the next day? Especially since Anon's been holed up in his room all day yelling at ponies who try to come in.

I'm not going to lie, your story's a bit on the rough side. Twilight is in the story, but she's absent as a character. She doesn't react to anything with depth. Her words feel like they're coming from a mouthpiece than a character. Then there's the fact that certain details aren't established prior to being a part of the story, or established details being made null. I feel like you were more concerned with what you were doing rather than how you got there. I will say, I found the funny moments to be funny.

Done.

>>29150165
I should mention some other praises I have. The actual language of your story was fine. I'm glad you strayed away from meme-speak that plagues greentexts. Sentence length felt good; it had a flow to it. And you didn't resort to having every sentence begin with
>You...
>You...
>You...
You don't realize how repetitive that can get, so I'm glad you didn't do that.

>>29150147
Wow, thoroughly dismantled the whole thing. Exactly what I was asking for.

I wont make any excuses for the continuity errors between parts. I think you can tell that some of the sections were loose ideas poorly tied into a coherent story. I swear they usually follow a central idea better.

You pointed out, and I agree that a lot of the 'out of knowhere' elements of it were too implied without the world building to support it.

I agree with the twilight part too. It felt strange when I was reading it, but at the time I couldn't really place my finger on it.

Again, this was more a loose amalgation of events rather than a choerent story. I was more excited about writing something than actual quality.

Thanks again, very constructive and exactly what I was looking for.

Have I fucked up?
I started a bit of green with the idea that once I was partway done I'd find an appropriate thread and post it to gauge interest, but I'm not sure any of the big threads are right.
Biggest sin: not Anon as main character.
It's not RGRE or slavery.
Doesn't focus on any one particular pony.

Maybe I'll have to shoe-horn in RGR... every story gets "not rgre enough" anyways.

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>>29153331
If it contains humans in Equestria, I'd go for AiE.
A thread of your own is an option too, I'll gladly bump for you if you need it.

Why exactly do you need to gauge interest anyway?

>>29153331
Well, what is it about?

>>29153730
Because without yous^h^h^h^h dotted underlines, I'll die.

Or more, I have other things I could be writing, pony and not, and even though I'm most interested in this story, if nobody else likes it I'd want to do something different.

>>29154595
It's mostly about procrastinating for the deadline I somehow have to make on Monday despite going to a New Year's Eve party.

But actually it's about an interdimensional traveler who runs into turbulence and gets trapped in horseland and has to get used to the fact that everything runs on cartoon logic. After trying to find a way out rationally, he eventually figures out that there are like "episodic plotlines" (especially after he realizes he just taught a moral about friendship to the CMC that had nothing to do with getting out of the world) and starts trying to engineer a narrative denouement that would allow for an appropriate exit.

>>29155159
That's actually pretty interesting

>>29155159
>>29155231

Seconded, this sounds super interesting. I could totally see this going down a road where the traveler goes through the whole usurping the system thing to get out only to eventually fall victim to the cartoon universe rules and "learn" that he likes life in equestria, and thus decides to stay. That or he goes absolutely insane and paranoid about the world around him, and tries to hide from the plot lines by literally hiding and scrounging for food while he, in his madness, attempts to chart the patterns of the world kinda like that guy from Grave encounters 2. . Imagine if he made a map of how the plot lines normally develop. It would be tattered and covered in similar event progressions, and he would chart wherever the Merriwether episodes were likely to happen and take cover. ect ect.

damn it anon, now i'm inspired.

What are you guys working on at the moment? With the holidays, I'm guessing you've had a bit of time on your hands lately.

Going to bed now, so just on the off chance one of these other 10 people don't, I'll bump this from page 8.

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>>29156809
A story about AJ and Coloratura. However, as much time as I've had, I've wasted a good deal of it.

>>29157822
I'm sure you're not alone

Oh boy, oh boy! Creative plugs that have no outlets!

>>29158477
beep

>>29142799

Greentext to eliminate the annoying beeping sound.

>After her experiences with teaching Rainbow Dash the history of the Wondercolts as well as her experience in the human world, Twilight has decided to try a new method of teaching Applejack "fancy mathematics"
>Educational Television
>Although the portal to the human world is closed and difficult to reopen, Sunset Shimmer's book proved that INFORMATION can still pass through.
>While the statue is too far from the school to get Wi-Fi, studying human broadcast technology combined with Equestrian magic for "signal boosters" that function at inter-dimensional levels eventually turned a "magic mirror" into a "viewing portal."
>Unfortunately whatever magic turned Twilight into a human and back is affecting the signal. All the shows now take "pony form." However, there is no reason the viewing portal only shows PBS the Pony Broadcasting System other than Twilight's personal preference. The engineer behind the party cannon could easily work her way around it...

...More greentext to follow, just leaving the headcanon post separate in case I or anyone else want to take the story in a different direction...

>>29159370

>Princess Luna sits behind a desk that is far too big for her, making her look more like Woona than Luna.
>"There you are. Something very odd has happened. Take a look at this..."

>One hundred parasprites have escaped from containment. We've developed a type of "music box" that can successfully contain them, but the acoustic design of the boxes means that they can only hold specific numbers of parasprites." Grab your beatboxing-inators and collect all 100 parasprites.

>"What art thou waiting for?! GO!!!"

>Voiceover from Princess Woona on the opening number.
>"Since the beginning of time..."
(Twilight's "Two Sisters" book from the first episode)
>"And we're talking way back..."
(Daring Do temple art)
>"We've been fighting odd..."
(Discord has the feeling he's being watched)
>"No job is too big...
(Mama Ursa Major with baby Ursa Major)
>"No case is too small..."
(Appletini)
>"We do it all!"
(Agent Bon Bon and Big Mac looking at blueprints)
>"And yes, those are ballet dancing buffalo!"
(From "the Chaos Capital of the World" Ponyville during Discord's first release)

>Ponies suiting up with black suit and tie, like Anonymous.
>Special Agent Bon Bon says, "I joined because candy wrappers should contain candy, not Parasprites."
>Special Agent Big Macintosh "I joined because being "sworn to silence" should mean I keep quiet about the agency, not be cursed to have a two word vocabulary."
>Scientist Pinkie Pie says, "I joined because nopony should be able to make this sound..."
>Pinkie Pie makes a funny noise.
>We are
>We are
>Anon Squad
>Eeyup!

>Case #001 Chocolate Rain

>Agents OnBon and O'Macintosh are called into Ms. Oona's office.
>"There thou art!. Something very odd has happened! Take a look at this!"
>"Cotton Candy Clouds have been appearing over Ponyville, leaving a chocolate milk rain in their wake."
>"Sounds like a sticky situation."
>"Please, just shut up, O'Macintosh."
>"Ah just meant we might need a gadget on this mission."

>>29159493

>"Ah just meant we might need a special gadget on this mission."
>"Hi guys!"
>"Oinkie Pie!"
>"Candy-inator!" the pinkie haired scientist handed them the gadget.
>"What good is a Candy-inator against cotton candy clouds?" OnBon asked.
>"It has a reverse switch" Oinkie Pie explained.
>"Oh, so it's a DE-candy-inator!"
>"No, I'm not calling it THAT," Oinkie Pie crossed her hooves and pouted.
>"Well?" Ms. Oona used her royal Canterlot voice, "WHAT ART THOU WAITING FOR?! GO!!!"

>The agents immediately run out of her office while Oinkie Pie stands around smiling awkwardly. Ms. Oona gives her a look and she awkwardly leaves too. The agents run to the tube room where Anonymous is wearing coveralls instead of his usual suit.
>"Destination: Downtown Ponyville!" Agent OnBon informs Ononymous.
"Preparing to squishinate..." Ononymous says as the agents assume the position.
>Ononymous picks up the ponies into a big hug, "SQUISHINATING!!!" and carries them to Ponyville.

>Once in Ponyville, Agent OnBon catches her breath.
>"Well, this should be easy, just need to find Discord..."
>"Are you sure about that?" O'Macintosh asked, looking up.
>Instead of Discords "snaps" there were zaps, shooting over the thatched roofs to turn clouds pink and sugary.
>Following the blinking lights, they ran into Mr. Cake outside of Sugar Cube Corners.
>"Anon Squad! Thank goodness you're here!"
>"What seems to be the trouble?" Agent OnBon asked.
>"Well, it's like this..." Mr. Cake tried to put a positive spin on the fact that Mrs. Cake was currently on the gingerbread roof of sugar cube corners with a "death ray"-sized Candy-inator and a maniacle expression.
>"Mrs. CAKE?!" O'Macintosh asked incredulously as she zapped yet another cloud to be as pink and poofy as her hair.
>"Yeah, she's been having some mood swings lately..." Mr. Cake admitted.
>"Ketchup and Pickles?" Mrs. Cake asked, taking aim at a rival restaurant, "Try ICE CREAM AND PICKLES!!!"
>ZAP!!
>"Hey! My Hayburger!"

>>29159590

>"Poor Hayseed Turniptruck" O'Macintosh sympathized.
>"Okay, this ends right NOW!" Agent OnBon picked up their own Candy-intator gadget in her mouth.
>It might be a little smaller, but it was time to fight fire with fire!
>"(HEY! MRS. CAKE!)" OnBon might have said, but it was hard to understand with her mouth was full. "(TAKE THIS!!!)"
>She shook the gadget like she was a dog chewing on a shoe.
>Nothing happened.
>Well, something happened, but it was Mrs. Cake turning her attention, and her candy-horse deathray, at the agents down below.
>Agent OnBon wasn't worried, she had trained for this!
>She defiantly spat the Candy-inator at the villainess!
>Nothing happened...
>"HOW DID OINKIE PIE EXPECT US TO USE THIS?!"
>"You want Cake?! YOU GOT CAKE!!!"
>ZAP!
>Bon Bon was a cake, with three little candies on top...
>"NOOOO!!! Nope, Nope, Nope, NOPE!" O'Macintosh ran forward and grabbed the Candy-inator in his mouth, "(Don't worry, partner! I'll get you out of this!)"
>He ran into the only place Mrs. Cake couldn't zap him, inside Sugar Cube Corners!
>The Gingerbread Roof could not be made more-candy-like by the cavity-causing deathray, and for the first time Mrs. Cake was lucid enough to realize that maybe shooting frikkin' laser beams from her roof wasn't the best idea.
>Agent O'Macintosh looked at the Candy-inator and tried to call up all his extensive gadget training. This gadget had a number on the bottom, like all Anon Squad gadgets. It had a standard trigger like all human guns, and a set of switches, one of which might be the reverse switch Oinkie Pie had talked about. There was a simple mathematical formula for figuring out which of the switches was which.

>O'Macintosh ignored them all, took the gadget to Pinkie Pie's room, and picked up Gummy!
>With the gadget in the capable hands of the baby alligator, O'Macintosh jumped on the bed, and crashed through the roof!
>Gummy zapped Mrs. Cake's "deathray" into a pile of candy, then hit reverse!"

>>29159370
I love this idea, but it's kind of hard to understand what's happening.

>>29159679

>Unfortunately, then O'Macintosh fell back down the hole in the roof.
>Bounce!
>ZAP!
>Bounce!
>ZAP!
>And so on...

>Mrs. Cake found enough variety in the pile that had once been her deathray to soothe her food cravings, and a few months later the twins were finally born.
>Mr. Cake was glad to see her back to normal, and together they tidied up the shop.
>Lyra came by to pick up her order, making small talk about what was happening on the roof.
>Just another crazy day in Ponyville, or so the Cakes nervously tried to claim.
>They ran into the next room to get Lyra's order and meanwhile Lyra snuck a taste of the frosting on a nearby cake.
>She stood straight up when the Cakes came back with her tongue in her mouth, and put her bits on the table.
>Everyone was awkward as Lyra left, but no one suspected a thing.
>O'Macintosh came back downstairs with Gummy and accessories to look for Agent Onbon.
>Apparently the Cakes had decided to bring her inside rather than risk somepony stepping on her.
>With OnBon finally back to being a pony, another case was close for Anon Squad..

>Anon Squad training video #978
>A Guide to Your Tie

>Greeting Agents, Oinkie Pie here.
>Having trouble using your gadgets with your hooves?
>In the event of such an emergency, your tie can be used as a floatation device. Simply blow into it to inflate it like a balloon. Once inflated, gadgets can be placed on it like a fifth hoof.
>Still need help? Continue blowing into your tie will cause it to grow little toes or "fingers." These can be used to hold things. Simply place your tongue inside the blowhole and the arm will mimic your tongues movements. Just curl your tongue to grab what you need."
>"Can't curl your tongue? For ponies without this ability, your balloon hand is also voice activated"
>"Wave hello."
Balloon hand waves.
>"Thumbs up!"
Balloon hand likes you on Facebook
>"Another successful gadget! I'm Pinkie Pie and EYE-!"
(Balloon hand pokes Oinkie Pie in the "I")

>>29161465
again

>>29156809
Putting off a story that people are actually waiting for.

>>29160633
Are you done? If so, someone will get around to giving you feedback. If not, then get on completing it.

Safety bump

And good morning

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>>29159370
>Greentext to eliminate the annoying beeping sound.
BEEP

>>29165888
Goddammit captcha that's clearly beer, not tea

>>29168417

>>29168708

>>29163823

I think I'm about done with this idea for now.

Next Idea: My Little Pony

The story of a human child given what every little girl dreams of, but then grows up. The human still takes care of the pony, because it is a living thing. However, the little pony is too small to ride anymore, and is struggling with its own lack of purpose.

Test drabbles written with Anon and different members of the Mane Six, casting isn't finalized and may dip into Equestria Girls.

>>29166940

>>29160633

>After seeing the show, Applejack finally gets it!
>"All I need is one of them Calculator Alligators to do math for me!"
>"No, Applejack! That's not how humans... Actually, that is pretty much how humans do mathematics now, but where are you- HOW are you...?"

>Alligators are a bit rare in Equestria, but Applejack finds the next best thing in the Everfree Forest.
>Remembering where they encountered the Crag-o-dile, she counts the number of teeth it has.
>Since she knows how to buck apples out of the tree and into specific baskets, she can now do math the same way, by kicking its teeth out.

Happy New Year

happy new years, to everybody.

>implying page 9

>>29166940
>As a matter of fact, he don't let nothin' hold him back
>If the Fapman can do it, so can (you)

another happy year of writing

>>29171294
Or struggling to write.

Who was that guy who did the ponies attracted to anon's physique series?
He was great.

>>29171301
no kidding. I haven't touched my story in weeks but I'm just lacking inspiration and motivation.

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>>29169897
>Since she knows how to buck apples out of the tree and into specific baskets, she can now do math the same way, by kicking its teeth out.
Hue. Poor Aligator. Fluttershy must be enraged.

>>29170557
Scatman was a true artist.

BEEP

>>29168708

>>29171339
I think Frostybox did some of that:
http://pastebin.com/u/Frostybox

>>29174185

>>29175232

Goodnight

>Writefags guild is slowing

Truly, we are lost.

>>29176665
We hit these periods every once in a while, off by one

bubba guild

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How do you feel about characters learning lessons more than once? Both in the show and in fanfics. Is it okay if it's resolved more quickly than the first time? Is it okay as long as it doesn't hit 'Fluttershy learns to be assertive again' proportions? Should one acknowledge that the lesson is supposed to have been learned already?

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New writefag/enginerd here. Trying my hand at a tech/engineering-themed story that starts off kinda normal. Mainly looking for formatting advice. Here it goes:

Deep inside the frigid mine shaft a grey-coated mare stomped away, crushing stones with her front hooves and prying iron ore from the earth. Through the cavern rang the rhythmic clanging of hardened steel horseshoes striking unforgiving stone.

Despite the cold, sweat dripped from her's rusty-red mane. It'd been hours now, perhaps even an entire day; the light of a solitary lantern perched on a loaded mine cart made it hard to tell.

The ringing of a tin bell sounded through the tunnel, and the grey-coated mare halted her mining and perked an ear.

"Iron! It's time for dinner! Bring the haul out and lets head home."

Breathing in slowly, Iron Pie turned away from the metal veins in the cavern wall and began pushing her mine cart, loaded with today's haul, out of the tunnel.

Emerging into the brightly lit elevator room, Iron Pie gave the cart one final shove, sending it rolling into the flank of a deep-blue stallion.
"All in a day's work. Take it up, Co"

The blue stallion nodded, appraising the filled mining cart. "Good hustle. At this rate we'll be finished with this tunnel before winter."

Iron Pie snorted and gestured toward the elevator, before grabbed the elevator crank in her mouth. Steadily, she wound the crank, slowly lifting the elevator, stallion and cart in tow, upwards and out of view. A couple seconds later, the elevator clicked into place, signifying the end of the ascent.

"I'll be back in a jiffy!"

Iron released the crank and wiped a hoof across her forehead, and then settled down against the wall. Slowly but surely, the gentle embrace of sleep washed over her, and Iron closed her eyes.

>>29178199

Vigerous shaking all around her jolted the Iron out of her slumber. Iron jumped up, struggling to keep her balance, before tumbling over from the force of the tremors.

An earthquake? Ponyville hadn't seen a major quake in decades.

All around her, rocks and gravel tumbled down, collapsing the tunnel around her.
The last thing Iron Pie felt through the shock of the tremors was a sharp pain in her left foreleg.

Flat on the floor with her eyes closed shut, Iron prayed. "Is this how I die?"

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>>29178206

Iron opened her eyes to glaring fluorescent light. All around her was a sense of softness and the sterile smell of a hospital ward. Turning her head to her side, she could make out the rough features of a deep-blue pony, face pressed into the covers.

Opening her mouth only to find it difficult to talk, Iron coughed and cleared her throat.
"Cobalt, what happened?"

Cobalt's features slowly came into focus. Only now did Iron realize that her brother was crying.
"I'm so sorry sis. It's all my fault. If only I'd come back sooner..."

Iron stared blankly at her brother, still not comprehending the situation. "Co, what are you talking about?"

Cobalt sniffled and wiped a hoof across his face, gathering composure before speaking. "There was a quake in the mineshaft. The whole damn thing collapsed. We had to dig you out but your leg was pinned under the rubble. We--we pushed and pushed as hard as we could, but you were bleeding out fast. I'm so sorry Iron if only I'd gotten there sooner I--"

Grim understanding dawn upon Iron Pie. Slowly, she looked away at her brother, down at her body.

Her stone grey coat was barely visible under layers and layers of bandages that extended from her neck down and under the sheets. Her right foreleg was in a plaster cast, sitting heavily at her side. Her left--
"Oh Celestia where the fuck is my leg?!"

At that, Cobalt broke down, tears streaming down onto the sheets of the hospital bed.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm s-sorry I'm so so sorry Iron."

Still in shock, Iron stared blankly at the bandaged stump that used to be her left foreleg. Feeling a tear begin to form, she closed her eyes.
"Co, can you leave me alone for a little bit?"

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>>29177843
Hoii

>>29178224
>>29178206
>>29178199
Think about using the "she" pronoun, over "iron" all the time. it's fatiguing for the reader

>>29178181
Entirely realistic. Even if somebody learns something, it doesn't rearrange them as a person. The confluence of personality traits that lead to the mistake the first time remain. Sure, they might not make the same exact mistake again. But unless they're an artificial intelligence that can rewrite themselves, they'll need more lessons to reinforce the first one, to see the same category of problems from different angles.
I'd make an acknowledgment of the first lesson part of describing that.

>>29178199

I'm used to most fiction on mlp being greentext, but actual writing is fine. However, doing that, you should probably go further into real writing, use more paragraphs instead of the choppy individual lines (sometimes not even sentences) that was born from CYOA quest threads.

Short, punchy paragraphs are good though, and you're not far from those.

Not sure what other formatting advice to give you, so I'll go into other stuff.

I like the concept so far, curious where it goes.

You have a few small spelling and grammar errors (her's, vigerous,), but it doesn't reflect on the overall readability of this sample.

Like the other one said, a few more pronouns or variety in descriptions would be good. Like "grey-coated mare" and "Iron Pie" are both used twice in short succession.

"Slowly but surely, the gentle embrace of sleep washed over her, "
This feels a little overwrought. Mixing metaphors, piling on. I'd recommend explicitly connecting it to the fact that she's exhausted from her long day. Something in the vein of: "Finally still after a long day's work, sitting still let her fatigue finally take hold, and her eyes drifted closed."

The end of the first scene needs work. Like the rocks and gravel tumbling down are probably an effect of the tunnel collapsing, not the cause, which is how it reads now.
In: "The last thing Iron Pie felt through the shock of the tremors was..."
I don't think the ground shaking is enough to overwhelm other sensations, so that probably shouldn't be "through the shock of the tremors". Something about the battering of rocks falling on her.

>>29180610
(cont)
If the sharp pain is the last thing she feels, her thinking shouldn't be preceded by other sensory cues. So I'd replace, "Flat on the floor with her eyes closed shut, Iron prayed," with something like "as consciousness faded" or "as the world went black" for that last line.
You could also move it to before the sharp pain, right after she falls. You could take, "Is this how I die?" with it, and make her last thoughts something about the pain, being overwhelmed by it or something, which could make a great thread of continuity if you want to give her persistent phantom pains for the next bit of the story.

>>29176288

I am reading the tips and links.

It presents the four methods of writing:

•Seat-of-the-Pants
>This method is basically just writing down what comes to mind without planning ahead or editing.

•Edit-as-you-go
>As the name implies, you write down a bit without planning, but stop to edit what you've written down to make it sound/look better.

•Snowflake
>Since you're so fucking special, you come up with a general plan and write while editing, making sure to apply changes to the plan along the way.

•Outline
>Remember that shit back in school when the teacher made you make a big bubble chart? No? Your childhood was shit then. For those who did experience it and prefer this method, then your choice is outlining.

Reading the proceeding descriptions and pros/cons, none of them is presented as the best, and different writefags use different techniques. Among the greens I've written I've somehow varied across all four.

So I'll phrase it this way: I find Faggot13 to be one of the most powerful writers for immersion and making an emotional impact. Which style does someone like him use?

I recognise that certain mixtures are also possible.

What does the thread recommend for immersion and impact?

>>29156809
Two different WIP at once
Help me

>>29181709
>>29181709
Ultimately the answer is the same as, "How do you, personally, produce your best work?"

But these methods seem a little odd to me. I'd call them more planning methods than writing ones.

Maybe it's a lack of experience, but I'm part of an amateur writing workshop (well, two of the people in it are seriously trying to get published), six people now, with differing backgrounds in writing. But we didn't even need to discuss what we consider the fundamental process:

1. Produce content.
2. Review and revise.
3. Return to step 1 with revisions in mind.

Stop when you have a complete story.

Actually, the advice I hear constantly is to write hard and fast, don't get distracted by anything, details, grammar, etc, as you're writing. Revision is the time for careful thought and consideration.

The level of detail in your plan or outline, whether you write stuff in or out of sequence, none of that matters as much as getting a whole chunk of real, actual content in front of you so you can do a revision with that in mind.
Sometimes an overly specific plan from the start can be hindering, since it can distract you from new ideas and opportunities that show up in the writing itself.
When a character or theme should be added, removed, or reinforced; whether you like the sequence you've written more or less than the version in your planning materials (applies whether those materials are a detailed dossier or a vague idea in your head); whether it makes more sense to have plot point A first or B first.
If you DO revise in chunks, you'll still need to do a full work revision too.

Of course, this is all oriented towards modern writers that produce works all at once; whereas green is done in serials, like the pulp writers of the first half of the 20th century.

>>29181709
>>29182608
As for your final question, a lot of immersion and impact is more of a word and sentence, quality of prose level. For that it's really just about the sum of talent and practice.
Get writing, pay attention to feedback, practice the ideas in the feedback even if they seem objectionable.
Actually, that's part of why I love green. I don't really hold greentext to the same standard I do other writing, so it's a little easier to relax and just write a bunch.

So for your actual question, what works for Faggot13 in planning and process may or may not be what gives YOU the best results.

Faggot13 once replied to a post with
>him
so maybe we should say "her"
I want to believe

The rest of impact and immersion is, again, in revision. Making sure characters, plot, and world are all coherent, making sure you don't give too much information (making something bland) or too little (making it confusing). Don't ruin surprises, but also don't have things come out of nowhere. It's an important balancing point, and hard to hit on the fly.

>>29182596
Cross them over into one story, much easier to keep track of.

>>29181709
>Which style does someone like him use?
Faggot's stories tend to lean towards the planned/outlined end of the spectrum.

>What does the thread recommend for immersion
Has nothing to do with the method of writing. If you want immersion, you need your characters and world to behave in consistent ways. Also: detail, detail, detail. God is in the detail. It's the culmination of all the little things readers might not consciously take note of, like the tone of the narration, or the language of a character, or their behavior among other things. There are lots of little things that need to be fleshed out in order to make the story feel immersive, and their fleshed out in a way that the reader doesn't take notice of unless they're reading really close, or take a step back, and look at the broader picture. It's that coherence and cohesion that helps draw in your readers. And interest. You have to make your story interesting.

>impact?
Impact depends on a lot of dimensions. It's a relative quality. It's defined by the fact that it's different to all the material surrounding it. Shades of dark isn't very satisfying. You need the light moments to make the dark ones stand out, and vice versa. And you have to make sure that your big impact scene is logical. It's got to fit within the context of the story, and feel like a probable outcome. At the same time, an impact typically catches the audience off guard in some manner. It's a tough balancing act. You also need to have an appropriate tone. This part comes down to the way your characters act and react, and how appropriate it feels in relation to everything else. Something too sudden runs the risk of coming off as incredibly inappropriate and jarring (though, it can be done), and overreacting characters can really undermine a scene. Lastly, you need an invested audience. Your audience needs to care about the characters, and what's happening to them.

>>29182608
>>29182653
This is excellent, thank you.

A story in which Faggot wrote as a first-person human female seemed so on point I suspected.

>>29182813
This too, thanks.

>>29181709
I have no idea who Faggot13 is and I don't think I've ever read any of his stories.

>>29183202
Have this, perhaps the best greentext I've seen.

It is the only story I've found difficult to read at points it was so immersively brutal.

http://pastebin.com/MbZpZmav

>>29183202
http://pastebin.com/u/Faggot13

I've read a couple stories. Naranjita and Trixie notably. I do rate them as a good writefag, but I don't know if I'm as laudatory as the other guy. At least some of the impact in the Trixie story might be shock value, but it's done relatively well. Doesn't come off as the cringey kind of edge.

>>29183347
I agree with my friend when he said the rape scene in >>29183317 was so detailed and full of emotion that it seemed like the author had experienced it herself.

jeez

>>29183317
The prose is eehh... but the content is good. Not so much erotic as just sappy drama with a really shallow personality. I wonder if the author can write something more depthful or if her mentality and personality only lets her write one thing only.

>>29183347
Don't tell me pathetic drama is the only thing he can write. I wonder what kind of life he had that he writes like a faggot in tears all the time.

>>29142799

>>29184574 #
As opposed to non-pathetic drama? Haven't read the naranjita yet but the Trixie story was not "pathetic" drama even remotely. And the protagonist EqG Trixie was constructed to be vain and shallow; it's inextricable.

Faggot13 continues to be a controversial writer

>>29188442

What does the guild listen to when it writes?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNgyuHtBBW8

>>29187386
Better to be controversial than good. Controversial merit is distinctive merit.

>>29189905
I can't deal with words while I'm writing. I switch between a CD of "soothing nature sounds", soundtracks to games and anime, and a couple Pandora channels of various chill electronica or ambient kind of stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEoN_Xe-B-s

Gonna try to have my first new long green in a while, some /spg/ trash, done this weekend. Hopefully there'll be some people here willing to critique.

Also bump.

>>29191491
>/spg/
Slave pony, I'm guessing

>>29189905
Depends on the tone of the story. Right now, it's songs from the show and fan-works with the same feel.

>>29191515
That's correct.
It's an emotionally complex piece about finding support in a broken world where nothing can go right, only varying degrees of wrong.
And then they fuck.

>>29185613
>As opposed to non-pathetic drama?
It exists, you can find it in all of the works by Alexander Dumas.Together with a huge amount of conqueror stories full of dead parents, revenge, raising an army, managing your allies and ending up victorious by not being a doormat to everyone whipes their feet on yours.

Yes it's not as mature as say a spy story where the guy gets tortured for 7 years, but brushes it off completely - comes out of it emotionally unaffected like he just spent 1 hour in his school's detention like it was nothing.

But still more realistic than superficial doormat stories about abuse and shy introverts getting bullied. When any other character is capable of not only murdering, but turning the tables with a little ingenuity and simplistic preplanning, let alone just throwing a rock at an animal and injuring it for life.

>>29192201
>>As opposed to non-pathetic drama?
>It exists, you can find it in all of the works by Alexander Dumas. Together with a huge amount of conqueror stories full of dead parents, revenge, raising an army, managing your allies and ending up victorious by not being a doormat to everyone wipes their feet on yours.

I really have the Trixie story in mind here. The protagonist was not remotely a doormat; she knows what she wants, how she wants it, and how to get it; this was established just after it was established her shallow vanity.

And details how this young woman had begun down the path of prostitution to serve her vanity.

Culminates in a brutal rape scene so detailed and full of emotion that it seemed like the author had experienced it herself.

Then a twist that re-portrays the rapist's brutal daughter-fetish.

Then the falling action and resolution.

---

Is any drama that doesn't involve a "conquerer" and "allies" and "revenge" and "army" and "revenge" pathetic? Because your non-"pathetic" dramas just sound like action movies.

I prefer slice-of-life realism, stories that are believable and with whose protagonists I can empathise and in the process of doing so, feel and experience new things.

>>29192196
>And then they fuck.
Obligatory

So this story is already pretty fucking well underway and I doubt many major changes can be made at this point, but I'd still like more feedback on it nonetheless.

We're at 35,000 words and growing quickly, basically a SPG fic where the Apple family and CMC have managed to place themselves in a high position on a massive slave farm, and Starlight Glimmer has recently been brought in as a fresh purchase. With her past relations to the Apples and exceptional magic talent, she's quickly working her way up the ranks. The fic will probably end up being somewhere between 70k and 120k words in length when I'm done, with potential offshoot stories.

http://pastebin.com/TnWCRgzK

This is currently being updated daily, usually 1500-3000 words per day. Some days, like yesterday, I have more (yesterday I did 4700 total)

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>>29189905
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mq2A5LgQvc

Writing a story that's based off this song, with the same themes and (hopefully) energy

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>>29196081
Oh hey. I've seen you in rev-trap.
Good theme. I'm hype.

>>29196528
Oh shit I've been spotted haha. Yeah, that's me. I'm still not at that spot I wanna be at, but I'm making progress. We're encroaching on 34 pages!

Have the first 10 pages as a gift

http://pastebin.com/dSABzX5w

>>29196621
Yaaaaay.

This is the guild, so even though I know you're still working on it, I'll point out what I saw.

Liking it so far. Enjoy the "mandatory tutoring with Twilight" premise.

Here's one thing. I feel like this is actually common in greentext for some reason (Noticed a lot in Fatal Flaw in particular):
Injuries are not scars.
Scars only show up once it's healed, at least partway, they're made of hard tissue. Some deep and lasting injuries can have scar tissue that can tear, exposing blood, but generally a scar doesn't bleed.
(Other random note, contrary to popular belief, despite feeling harder, scar tissue is significantly weaker than healthy skin in several ways, which is why it can tear.)

Actually, I guess it's just Dash saying it, so you could be indicating that's the type of mistake "he'd" make?
Or you could replace it with injuries, scrapes, wounds, cuts, or possibly road rash.

Line 224, 317, some errant "her"s.

So maybe this is a shitty, probably understaffed and over taxed school and all, but I feel like there should be at least some line about how unfair it is that he gets detention for what should be an emergency absence. Armor doesn't even direct him to the nurse's office?
It feels like at the very least it should be acknowledged. A simple line like
>Ah, there's the good hard old fashioned fucking from shitty school bureaucracy you've come to expected.
or
>It's completely unfair, but about what you've come to expect from this school.
That second is in line with a character who doesn't stop to do shit with somebody that just hit them on their bike.

Excited for the rest. Is that 34 page mark near the final end, or just of the first update you want to make?

>>29197092
>Injuries are not scars.
I'm keeping the part where Dash asks if Anon has any scars, because I'm assuming he(she) doesn't know the difference. He's not particularly book smart in this story. Street smart, sure, but not book smart.

>Line 224, 317, some errant "her"s.
Good catch! It's actually quite hard to change someone's pronoun haha.

>So maybe this is a shitty, probably understaffed and over taxed school and all, but I feel like there should be at least some line about how unfair it is that he gets detention for what should be an emergency absence. Armor doesn't even direct him to the nurse's office?
I think you're totally right. I missed that. This is kinda the reason I haven't released it all yet. I'm working on it daily, editing, writing more etc.

I'll pop your suggestions in.

>Excited for the rest. Is that 34 page mark near the final end, or just of the first update you want to make?
Glad to hear it!
No, not near the end, but near a major plot point. First update I want to make is right after the climax of this scene. I have a REALLY bad habit of not finishing things, so I'm writing a TON before I show you guys.

I know I'm not Jeff, but I'm happy that you liked it so much!

>>29197163
And I'm also kinda waiting for Jeff to finish his story so my crap doesn't get in his way

>>29194486
Can you be more specific as to what type of feedback you'd like? Generally, people post stories here assuming that changes will need to be made.

Goodnighg

>>29197938
I mostly want someone to point out flaws in my writing style, syntax, places where I do something incorrectly etc. In more serious, published work I would be more careful for things like plot holes and have people review for that, but ultimately pone is just practice for me. So instead I'm mostly interested in my writing trends and overall my ability to tell a story, rather than the actual content of the story. I'm also inexperienced with writing accents and vernacular, which is a tricky subject but one I'd like to master, so input on that would be greatly appreciated too.

>>29199271

10

>>29198585
Helpful hint for accents. Don't overdo them. Don't feel like you have to transcribe everything as they would pronounce. It's kind of cheesy if you ask me. I find it hard to read a story when the writer has Applejack saying "Ah'm" instead of "I'm."

>>29200356
I know how to do that, but it's also possible to lay it on thick in-text without being horrendously overbearing, which is what I'm trying to do (somewhat). The best example that comes to mind is Mark Twain.

>10
TEN

up

What do you guys do when your stuck in your story? Like, you have an ending in mind, but you still have a ways to get there and don't know how

>>29203196
It's a toughy.
But it's worked for me a few times to write the ending I have in mind, and then see if anything cool comes up from which I can work backwards.

>>29198585
Okay, cool. You're very similar to me, it seems. I refreshed your story just now, and what's there now is what I'm going to work with when I do the critique. I'll have it for you on Tuesday.

>>29203571
That could work. I'll give it a shot

>>29203850
Excellent, thank you. I'm probably going to take a break from the fic for a few days after the next two updates to work on other projects, so that's good.

So guys, I need some help.

I have this issue where I write something, and after rewriting it several times, declare it "good enough" and then post it. But after I do, I always feel like I can do better.

Here's the story I'm working on right now. I want to know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and where I should improve.
Ch. 1: http://pastebin.com/susEAHiW
Ch. 2: http://pastebin.com/kM5yr566
Ch. 3: http://pastebin.com/BQMJ0mmt
Ch. 4: http://pastebin.com/vfYfFfBH
Ch. 5: http://pastebin.com/kwxd0Djx

>>29205314
I'm not sure my geek level is high enough to say much about a Jojo/MLP crossover, so I'll make this comment even though the guild is only on page 6. Maybe somebody else will have good input.

>>29142799

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>>29200356
> I find it hard to read a story when the writer has Applejack saying "Ah'm" instead of "I'm."

Really? I usually appreciate it, helps set a certain tone and can give some clarity on who's talking sometimes.

>>29200356
>>29200564
>>29206359
Eye dialect is definitely one of the more polarizing aesthetic choices in writing.
It's really easy to lay it on too thick.
Personally, I don't mind "Ah'm".

>>29206359
I'm from the south, and I find it to be really exaggerated.

>>29208376
Hmm, I can see where you're coming from then.

>>29209529
Is it the south? Pretty sure he's coming from the south.

>>29209575
I call shenanigans. If Rokade can see the South, he'd have to basically be in it already anyways.

>>29205314

Guys?

>>29211767
Someone will get around to it. Be patient

Half of season 2 down. Maybe I'll shotgun season 3 tomorrow. Then I'll be caught up on what I'd seen before.

It's interesting that Cheerilee felt it was important to distinguish between just chaos and discord.
Twilight has a failsafe spell. I wonder what situations it would suceed in fixing?
I love little hints about their element. Rarity really doesn't want to have to get out from under her saddle connected umbrella, but gives it to Twilight with her book without saying a word.
Applejack can lasso the cotton candy clouds. I wonder if Earth ponies could actually do some of their own weather management if they absolutely had to?
I've noticed repeatedly that Rainbow Dash will fly when other ponies will walk, including Fluttershy.
I like that even in a kid's show, they make with a little moral ambiguity: Discord says, "You wouldn't know that because I don't turn ponies into stone," implying whatever he does, he doesn't think it's crueler than Celestia.
Applejack leans against a bush crossing both pairs of legs.
The way Discord gets each of them is fascinating. For most he aims to turn their element against them, like how he pits Rainbow Dash's loyalty to her friends against her loyalty to Cloudsdale.
And I like that he has to resort to brute-forcing his mind manipulation on Fluttershy.
Funniest line of the show: "Congratulations Spike, you're the new Rainbow Dash."

Return of Harmony was such a good series premiere.

Lesson Zero Twilight has literal diagnoseable OCD.
Twilight why do you assume the worst of your friends? Has Rainbow Dash really displayed herself as the sort of person who would bust up somebody's property because she's angry at them?
Demonstrates that Twilight can cast a pretty powerful compulsion spell.

The Nightmare Night episode is dear to my heart.
Love the CMC's costumes. I want to do lewd things to Egyptian costume pony.
One of the most interesting parts to me is that Pinkie is 100% acting her fear for funs.

>>29212396

Sisterhooves
Swooter Ball is adorable.
Rarity and her parents share overpacking habits.

I feel like when I was watching season 3 the fandom was bitching that all the ponies were constantly manipulating stuff with their hooves and even their tails and adopting non-horse postures, but it's seemed like it's been fairly steady throughout seasons 1 and 2.
Is this the first time somebody swears to Celestia like a deity?
Still trying to make sense of ponies keeping sapient sheep and cows like livestock.

Cutie Pox
Blatant Lebowski homage.
I wonder if the idea is that some ponies discovered hearts desire plants, and were so embarrassed after using it that they buried their secret forever.
Applejack calls "Prench" "Fancy".
I wonder if Pinkie's fear here at the end is performative again.

Best Pet has birds perching on clouds, so it's not just pegasus pony magic that does that kind of thing. Maybe everything flies because of magic.
RD in tears trapped by the rock. Be still heart. Boner too

Mare-do-Well is one of my least favorite episodes, and all because it's missing maybe ten seconds of screen time where Dash's so-called friends sit her down and just seriously attempt to communicate to her that she's being a giant blue twatwaffle before they hatch a zany scheme.
Are alicorns really that common that this isn't mind blowing for RD to consider?
The show can be anachronistic, tech wise. But a hydroelectric dam? Really? (Or maybe it's hydrothaumic.)

Sweet and Elite once again reinforcing Celestia's distance from her own ponies, a typical focus of fanfiction around her.
It seems like Canterlot may be a predominantly unicorn city.
Fuckin' Zeppelins.
One of those episodes that encouraged Twilight's being characterized as sperghoers.

>>29212574

The main thing I got from Secret of My Excess is that Twilight is really not prepared to take care of Equestria's only dragon. I'd call her irresponsible, but it's established that there's basically no information about dragons in their libraries, and he's intelligent enough to make his own choices about who he lives with (and has the right to as well, established later in that episode where he follows the migration).
I like the notion that the one from outside of Equestria is the one to know about things, well, from outside Equestria.
More Pinkie shenanigans.
Spike has a very long tongue without any need to transform.
This is the first episode that shows the Wonderbolts in a service type capacity, instead of a purely sports or performers one.
Derpy shocking Lyra and Bonbon by popping out of a well is one of my favorite background jokes in the show.

Hearth's Warming Eve. I remember that this episode kept the fandom buzzing for a long time with its treasure trove of lore.
I feel like, while the Elements of Harmony seem to be a secret, Celestia is pushing the mane six into more notoriety.
First unit of measurement: 8-foot candycane.
Unicorns controlling the sun and moon. Their propensity for living on mountainsides (another thing about Canterlot). Militaristic pegasi. Earth ponies as food providers (because they control the land where food is grown, or because other races are just that bad at farming?).
Wendigos.
Unicorn attendant is Clover the Clever, earth pony one is Smart Cookie, but pegasus one is only ever called Private.
"The Earth is round, there is no up or down." So it seems like the My Little Pony world might actually be called Earth. Then again, that's what the earth ponies want to name their settlement too, so maybe it's particular to them.

>>29212657
The most interesting thing might be the chronology. Clover the Clever is the apprentice of Starswirl the Bearded. And if I remember correctly, it's started that he was a student of Celestia in the Twilight grows wings episode.
The opening of the pageant has spike saying that the ponies being unfriendly was the standard "long before the peaceful rule of Celestia and before ponies discovered our beautiful land of Equestria." Since they discover Equestria at the end of the play, that implies Celestia could be there around the time of the unification too.
And of course, don't forget that the flag of Equestria they show is the one with Celestia and Luna.
It's really fascinating, because it feels like the writers directly creating this subtext that the play is fudged to avoid revealing too much, and might have some direct reference to Celestia's ascension. I almost wonder if Clover the Clever wasn't pre-alicorn Celestia. (I note that the thin that beat the wendigos even if it came from all the ponies, it manifested from her horn).

Family Appreciation Day. First shown timberwolves. Filthy Rich has moneybags as a cutie mark, and seems to have basically started some kind of one-store Walmart.
Is this the first time they've confirmed an Earth style seven day week?
There have been implications, like from Faust, that the Little Ponies age like real ponies somewhat, which seems like it'd make Ponyville a really really young town if a founder is still there.
They could've used this episode to teach kids about how you spread apples via branch grafting.

>>29212745
The Baby Cakes. You know, why didn't they just say that sometimes horns and wings skip generations? Why the need to have a five gens removed unicorn and a pegasus that can only be a fourth cousin, of the same generation.
I don't know if it was an intentional joke, but it's hilarious that they lecture Pumpkin Cake about chewing things when literally all of them constantly use their mouths as important manipulators.
I wonder if the flour coating Pinkie was actually a reference to Surprise?
The foals are a month old but able to run about, as one would expect. They also wear diapers.
The Cakes only ask the Mane Six for babysitting. I wonder if it's just that they're the only single young mares in town?
It's always nice to see a Pinkie growth episode. As the comic relief, it can be hard to treat her seriously.

Sorry I decided to go super long winded on these. I can only hope they help somebody a little with world or character building.

If not maybe I'll go pester that "roll and rewatch an episode" thread with them.

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>when you type up the ending to your story, then forget to save it
PERFECTLY CALM

I have never experienced this in my years of writefagging

>>29213469
I am seriously blocked on this story I'm writing because of this one scene.
I had "the perfect idea" for it while I was out on my walk. Made dinner and forgot to write it down. Completely evaporated from my head.
And now, I've written pages, chapters even past it. But I keep coming back to that little gap with a description of what needs to happen. Even though I know that intellectually it was probably just a decent idea, not perfect at all, I keep rejecting new ideas because they lack that zing.

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>>29209575
>>29210665
Okay, I knew this was coming, but I still kekked.

>>29213469
>>29213558
I feel you, Anon, just remember: that idea is still somewhere inside and the everything new your brain comes up with is probably taking the original into account. Don't wait too long for the zing, there's always revision time.

Hat trick bump

>>29215938
>hockey fan spotted

>>29215964
Sort of.

bumpity

PAAAGE 9

>>29212767
Discussion's discussion. Much appreciated

>>29208376
AJ has a more central/west Texas accent than Deep South. Ah'm and such is perfectly acceptable, if still thick twang. Source: Born west Texas, live in Alabama. Using "a might" to say "a lot" or "very" is a might Texan.

>>29220526
Actually, if you go by the wiki, it says that it's supposed to be an imitation of the Ozark area. Guess where I'm from

>>29220526
Oh shit. That's why it seemed familiar. That's my dad's accent.

>>29220537
I've read what it's supposed to be. Don't change what it is, sugar cube.

>>29183202
>>29183317
>>29183347
>>29187386
Faggot13 apparently recently nuked their pastebin, replacing all the MLP content with a "The Loud House" green.

Apparently people have most of it archived though. I read a few more since the last time I commented.

Interesting writer. Some of it's a little off in slightly strange ways that almost make me think foreign instead of bad writing, though maybe that's just me being influenced by the Naranjita story. It's more prominent in some than others (more or less proof reading?)

There was a funny pattern in the ones I read of sending the hurt characters away at the end. To grandma's, to another school, to a farm.

They obviously use some extremely emotional plotlines, but I think they communicate them really well.
The Rainbow Dash story was one of the ones I read that got to me the most, actually, possibly because the subject matter wasn't as extreme as the Sweetie Belle or Trixie ones.

Definitely some valuable, intensely emotional writing. but then again, I mostly read greens for self-indulgent wish fulfillment purposes, to be pandered to.
I want enough drama to underscore a situation. Enough pain that I can substantiate my hurt/comfort fetish. Most of those abuse stories are a bit too real to be soothing at all.

I grip her by her neck and slam her into the bed. It creaks and groans as the weight of her body press down on the springs. I give a coy smile and draw my pocketknife. In one click, a shimmering, well-polished blade shoots out from the handle.
"Do you know what an anus is, Shim?" I ask, pushing the tip of the knife to her throat. She gulps, fear encasing her eyes.
"Y-Yes, M-M-Master!" she stutters in reply. Her voice is cute and high-pitched, sending a rush of blood to my Alabama meat snake. I press the knife deeper, creating a shallow wound, shedding a slight stream of blood from her neck.
"Good. Show me yours, Shim."
She complies, stripping her clothes and presenting her raw, crimson anus to me, bent over the bed. I pull down my fedora, obscuring my eyes with a dark shade, the only sign of eyes underneath the felt brim is two, twinkling, crimson dots. Signs of my Demonic Heritage. I summon a dildo in my grubby hand. In one swift plunge, the entire dildo is engulfed into her anus. While planted inside her rectum, I channel my infernal energy to lengthen the sex toy. It begins piercing her inner organs. After a bestial cry roused from her throat. It presses against her stomach, and then enters. She howls in despair and pain.
"MASTER! STOOOOP!" she yells in protest, but to no avail.
"You know the deal. The Pact cannot be undone once penned." The dildo continues expanding, and then I decide to enlarge its girth. It begins growing in circumference, stretching her asshole wide, loosening the raw hole. In an instant, just as it had appeared, it vanished, leaving nothing but empty space where the toy once was. The only mark of its existence is her stretched, gaping butthole. She collapsed on the bed, coughing blood and wheezing.
I could do this again, I think. I could REALLY do this again...

>>29221431
That was...very colorful, Anon

>>29221431
I guess you've only got one post then?
You don't say anything about what kind of feed back you want or what you're going for.
I assume it's edgelord parody, but that makes it harder to give feedback, since I'm still not sure what your goal is there.
It missed "campy" by a mile; It's not enough lingering (build-up or climax) to be good gorn; and it lacks the crisp timing that makes for a good copypasta. (I understand, realistically bad writing is one of the hardest things to write if you're not a terrible writer.)
I can say your basic command of grammar and sentence structure is alright, but your word choice is, at best, overwrought and mixed in tone, but not so much so that it makes me certain that that's an intentional style you're evoking.

I feel like the red eyes thing is supposed to be part of a "intentionally so-bad-it's-good" element, but the prose it's couched in gives it too much grounding to land as that properly. It makes me feel like it should be an element in a real story, in which case there should be something in the scene to establish it, like a mirror above the headboard. (But of course, in a real story, red eyes has become too cliche, and should be avoided at this point in time, and I feel foolish even pointing that out.)
I don't think somebody would describe their own hand as grubby unless it were specifically covered in dirt or oil, which isn't established here.
I actually like this ending line, but it would need a surrounding story that isn't dumb, and in that case it would need establishing that by doing it again he means to Shimsham (who would need to not be dying for that to be the case) or another woman.

The one actual grammar error I noticed is a fairly minor and subtle one: there shouldn't be a comma after "two", in the description of the eyes. That adjective is at a different order of applicability to the subject.

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>>29221425
>Most of those abuse stories are a bit too real to be soothing at all.
And that is what makes them so excellent.

This is the second top-tier writer to nuked his work. Darf did the same thing to his fimfiction a year ago after he went insane. "Goodbye shitting writing," were his final words as he nuked his top-rated stories on the site and greviously became a self-loathing homeless person.

Fortunately, direct links individual pastes like >>29183317 still work for Faggot13.

I would love someone is set up a mirror pastebin for Faggot13 with what we have.

.Wayback Machine has most of them, https://web.archive.org/web/20160412184927/http://pastebin.com/u/Faggot13, albeit with antiquated readership figures. Direct links there don't work, but URL manipulation on the resulting wayback links finds the unscathed original paste bins.

If no-one else it I'll set up a mirror paste-in tomorrow.

>>29222174

In this thread that brought it to my attention they say something about them just being set to hidden? >>29219180

>>29222174
wait,what happened to darf?

>>29222821
In short, this is the story as I understand it.

He was already having difficulty covering the bills and began taking commissions. But he took the money and largely failed to follow through and became an asshole about it, completely unlike how he actually was. He was losing it. He hadn't written anything in six months. People wrote and spread word of how he's a scandalous asshole and began to hate him. Meanwhile, he was hating himself and everything he ever did more and more as it seems his life crumbled, and it seems that everytime he looked at all the amazing things he had written he could only see how awful it was. He finally delivered half-assed attempts at fulfilling all those commissions, keeping his word, but his heart was no longer in it. He then deleted everything he had ever written, his final post still saying, "Goodbye shitty writing," remarking that the only things remaining are the commissions (trying to stay true to his word), and changed his profile image to pixelated Garfield gibberish and his status, still there, to "a complete idiot, please kill me." Someone who talked to him on chat around this time said he was losing his apartment lease unable to pay and was evidently in too many mental shambles and self-loathing to pull his life together and that the last they heard from him he said he was about to be kicked out onto the streets.

Tl;dr Darf went insane in a spiral of self-destructive self-loathing and destroyed his work with him.

>>29224615
I wonder if he killed himself.

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>>29222174
>>29222539
>>29224987
>>29220953
>>29222788
I'm really worried that Faggot13 is heading down the same path as Darf, hiding his stories as if he's ashamed of them so readers can't find his other works. Who knows what next.

It isn't right.

I set up a mirror pastebin of the old Faggot13 so we won't lose him like we lost Darf.

http://pastebin.com/u/Faggot13_MirrorBin

>10
Not today, satan.

P10

>implying you're allowed to die

>>29230560
Is this advanced baneposting?

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Picked up a bit of JavaScript to make something that might help people who overthink when coming up with story ideas. It prompts you with questions and gives you a limited amount of time to answer them. Okay idea or useless?

>>29231206
Seems quite useful.

>>29211767
Give me a bit and I'll take a look.

Hello?

>>29213469
I always write in gmail because it auto-saves every few seconds.

My browser once crashed in the middle of writing a green and my strategy was a life-saver.

>>29231206
Okay, I put it up at https://rawgit.com/Mass8326/story-helper/master/index.html

It's very basic and doesn't have many features, but it's functional. At the moment, you have to refresh the page if you want to restart.

If anyone has suggestions for questions to add, please throw them at me!

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>>29182608
>>29182653
>>29182813
I wrote a thing, still one of the first things I've written. Anons lauded it and capped it, pic related. Original here >>29207256, in a thread about the objects Starlight's room. They said it was "intense af" and other similar responses, which is exactly what I was going for.

But adulation begets no improvement.

I would love critique while still formative in my craft.

Thank you.

>Wan sunner, afore nons warfand with foes, poes, aies and aeious (fighting is magic), when the gods were moot
>and Faust wast even magnate, each Troubled Student found heir element and getted the lunacy with friends and co.
>At lessens' growth, in decision, share was always more to give,
>so as Advance Jest tired, the coregroup togather huplifted,
>and that samegroup was gildered in sincerity like a shun of de weebs.
>A showstopping arrrticle cused the lot of imperrfection (go to bed!), but rrecused at minor rr response,
>the quiet gaze dragon support from caves
>where Arch Jeremiads would thundercrack at elegance
>(zecorafamochanchanjintwilystrangeinghettiomakeheraguyanfloppanponibrohxenophillyleroherowambanhamfan!)
>but wouldn't fede the parryspites, and tolerated else (we're unforgettable!).
>So followed a threemonth of coolness, until ministrators came inside.
>Courageous Mulp's Crusaders, and from them was infinite journey borne
>But you could run routes til the leaves are groundsied and never get beyond her garden:
>the Factory and Cupcakes with Glaze, dashieng onforth with the art of address
>forging past sins after dark while they Partied with Pinkie, doubling the necks on the edge.
>They gained redapple blueses and purplesmarts, but by this rarities were saved by Radical Degenerates,
>and oh, how cock onlookers stared in lost, hush and quiet,
>the Ancient Bators, Somebodies and Sister Boards who played show stoppers
>when those diamonds turned upon them, whining.
>The magicks, before Fiery Supplication was mandotory,
>burst from more than the Pie (remember),
>and their death and life was marecuriol
>as destiny brought fags and friends and players and the bvpolco to a destiny.
>Owl call them, a runaway success, or what's the more a failure.
>If loneliness fell to Pone's Purity, what bucketoturnips would stand al one?
>And the dressart swag came bolting wonders by, and it all rainbowcrashed down, and oh, oh Sun, it was glorious.

http://pastebin.com/cJSu1bCR

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>>29233142

>>29233142
I know this is satire, but still.

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As >>29232505, by the way, I hope you do not take as supercilious self-aggrandization that I ask for critique given the success of greentext. The story was well-regarded thanks in part to my following the advice of the anons to whom that post responded, though I welcome different opinion. Though I never took writing seriously until very recently, even the first and second greens I ever wrote were capped and reposted.

But I see some writers. Some stunning writers. I want to be like them. Have the same effect that Faggot13's Trixie story had on >>29222788 and others, or the effect of nauseating me for days as did the first chapter of Zebramancer's "Anon the Betrayed." The modalities of the stories differ, and I do not want to be a one-trick horse, but the aspiration is the same:

Immersion, intensity, impact.

And that is why I ask >>29232505.

And perhaps soon, at advice, I'll essay fimfiction, for which I know there is a base divergence of the narratological paradigms.

I am sorry if I'm loquacious.

>>29233504
No, I'm serious. I know anything in the style of Finnegans Wake is essentially doomed to get the same reactions as Finnegans Wake, but I would like to know what people think of this, and I couldn't find anywhere else to post it.

>>29234243
It's pretentious and unwieldy.

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>>29234243
Are you aware that Darf struggled through the tome and wrote a short story in the style of Finnegans Wake?

Personally, I found it brilliant. Many did. But as you said, these works garner fissiparous regard.

If you read >>29222821 >>29224615 you know that Darf went insane and deleted all of his work.

But you can find his experimental short Finnegans Wake story in the Wayback fimfiction:

https://web.archive.org/web/20150330061308/http://www.fimfiction.net/story/105617/-

>>29213469
Alright, honest question. Why don't people just use GDocs?

>>29234763
GDocs is fucking great. I have no idea.

>>29232318
Nice work Anon. Not the kind of thing I'd use I think, but seems helpful for many.

>>29234763
I don't know man.
Well, I don't because I hate google docs.
But all my personal text work is so small in comparison that I have a script that automatically saves it to my gdrive.

You could get the same result by saving everything in a dropbox mirrored folder too.

>>29232505
>>29233838
I'm waiting to read anything centered on glimglam until I'm caught up on the series.
I'll come back and review once I get there, just finished season 2 though....

>supercilious self-aggrandization
I hope the story itself isn't so sesquipedalian.

>I'll essay fimfiction
So until now I thought that this sense of essay was spelled "assay". The dictionary lists that as an acceptable alternate spelling, but the 'e' is more common.
Thanks.

>9

Hopefully I'll have a short piece I'll want critiqued soon, maybe we'll get some more life here.

>>29236710
Looking forward to it.

Also, who has a story that hasn't been critiqued yet?

>>29236922
I wonder if we should open up to finding random other greens and practicing critical reading and review on them.

Greentext recommendation, practical demonstration of how to provide constructive feedback, and potentially some general tips other writefags could consider.

>>29237521
>I wonder if we should open up to finding random other greens and practicing critical reading and review on them.
No. If people want criticism, they'll come here and ask. Bringing stories here for the sake of critiquing and finding things wrong with them just gives an opening for people to attack stories, and even when that's not the case, it's easy for it to come off that way, and we don't want to be causing drama.

If we're going to discuss stories, I think it should be about stories we found that did something right, and just discuss that. Or, ask for the writer's permission.

>>29236922
>>29232505 wasn't directed just at them.

Am I allowed to bump?

>>29205314
>>29231774
I'll preface this by noting that I've never seen or read JoJo's Bizzare Adventure, so if any point I make here is due to a lack of knowledge, feel free to ignore it.

The first thing I noticed is that chapter one has a really abrupt start. Going straight for the name thing was a little much. I'd suggest talking about him on the bench first before talking about his name, that's usually how a reveal is set up.

I find that a lot of the descriptions are far too short to really have any type of meaning, and need to be either expanded on or cut completely. Example:
>>You answer it.
>>You grin.
>>You lower your hand.
A lot of these are important to give the reader an idea of what's going on, but they need to be fleshed out or it just sounds awkward.

Expanding on the last point, most of your descriptive/action lines start with "You", which gets redundant after some time. For instance, instead of
>You hardly moved. If anyone is at fault here, it's her.
>You turn away with a harrumph.
Try something like
>You could hardly move. If anyone is at fault here, it's her.
>Turning away, you let out an indignant harrumph.
It gets across the same point, but one feels much more fluid than the other.

While the reader does enjoy descriptions, when there's a dialogue scene I think that you inject too many descriptions in your dialogue sections to the point where every line of speech is separated by the character making some sort of movement. The reader can generally discern these things themselves, and the scene would be a lot easier to read if it was just a block of dialogue rather than a mix.

>>29239566
After that, just a few single line issues.
Line 109: "learn the truth about history."
Did you mean to say "about our history"? What about general history couldn't he tell her?
Line 135 to 139: Totally unnecessary cut. There are a lot of switches here from character to character, and while they are necessary here, you want to keep them as minimal as you can. That section of text could easily be melded with the one before it, there's no reason to do another "You are" bit.

Line 435: How did he manage to sabotage the light switches in the ten seconds she was gone?
Line 518: didntHow did he manage to tie a thread to the bug when he didn't even have a thread in the first place?
The both of those sound like goofy Japanese writing, so excuse me if that's just a JoJo style.

All that thrashing being said, it's a really enjoyable green. After reading that I now kinda want to read JoJo, but I'm still a little afraid that /a/ won't like me.

I didn't read more than the first chapter, but if you think there's a dramatic difference in the writing style later on that needs to be critiqued differently, let me know and I'll be happy to look at them.

>>29239575
>Line 109
Line 110 expands upon that a bit. Earlier in the chapter, it's heavily implied that he's a Nazi, and it's all but confirmed in the later chapters. I attribute my lack of explanation to the problem you pointed out, me not being descriptive enough.
>Unnecessary cut
That's one of the things I was dissatisfied with. But I didn't know how to fix it at the time.
>Lines 435, 518
This is implied by his power. He has what's known in the Jojoverse as a Stand. Stands are basically psychic powers on steroids, and a psychic manifestation of a person's willpower. Each Stand has a unique appearance and power. My character's Stand is [BENZIN]. It allows him to construct and deconstruct things in shadows. This includes using shadows to construct things out of solidified shadows. So long as his shadow is connected to a dark point, he can feel and interact with everything connected to that shadow. So when he sabotaged the lightswitches, it's because he used his Stand to do it. And when he tied the thread to the other Stand, it's because his Stand had been able to touch the other Stand.
Again, perhaps I wasn't descriptive enough. I thank you for pointing this out. You're welcome to continue reading, and I'd appreciate any other feedback you can provide.

>>29239539
I'll allow it.

>>29238389
That sounds fair.
This thread is really good with its constructive criticism though.

>>29205254
All right, I'm working on that critique right now.

>>29239539
No

>>29194486
At this time, I have read up to line 1460, which is where it ended when I refreshed the page days ago. I read and took notes on the story like I normally do, so I can provide examples for the larger principles that I will spend time on here.

The biggest problem is that Starlight is an archetypal Mary Sue. I first noticed signs of this on line 82, where Anon, having known her for less than a day, says that he likes her spirit. He hasn’t seen her work ethic yet, or her abilities, or anything; all he knows is that she knows how to ask a reasonably good question. So early on, I put it down as a sign that you were writing with tunnel vision, unconsciously making Starlight appeal to everyone because that was her destiny in the story. On line 197, Anon compliments her for a totally innocuous comment, again making it seem like he was predestined to like her. This problem is a shade different from the problem of her character, but they affect each other.

Giving someone a strong reaction to a protagonist’s presence is a dangerous thing to do. In this case, Starlight hasn’t actually done anything, so I am forced to wonder what has Anon so impressed, and that is a question that would arise in pretty much any story. It’s most commonly depicted in tawdry “love at first sight” scenes, where character X and character Y, seeing each other for the first time, intrinsically know that they’re the right match for each other. In the case of a Mary Sue character, other main characters will flock to them, sometimes for no reason (in the hands of a poor writer), and sometimes for invented reasons (in the hands of a better writer). You have Anon putting up these justifications for how impressed he is with Starlight, but, with nothing coming from her to substantiate it, it all sounds like hollow excuses to me. He’s pulling this out of thin air, so it appears to me, so my only conclusion is that there’s too little separation between character and author. 1/?

>>29242830
As a general rule, you want to ensure that your characters remain separate from you. On this board especially, you see plenty of self-insertions, or mannequins of characters meant to symbolize self-insertions; if you mean what you said, and have greater aspirations, then this is something to avoid. A mouthpiece character or an obvious favorite is a pernicious thing in a story, because, as it will tend to suck in extra attention from the writer, it will take up more space in the story than it needs to. I noticed that there were almost no full conversations in your story that did not wind up coming back to Starlight in some way, and that’s a red flag for favorite character syndrome. They work on a farm in another dimension; how is it that Starlight is always the focal point? Your protagonist is typically the most important character in the story, but it is not the most important character in that story’s world.

I did read your author’s note at the top, and you seem at least somewhat savvy to me, so I’m not discounting the possibility that, as the story goes on, it is revealed that Anon is just pretending to be so into Starlight for whatever nefarious reason. Maybe that reason will constitute some conflict, the lack of which I’ll get to later. If it is the case, and all this positivity for Starlight is an act of some sort, or just Not What It Seems, then it might work, if not for what the problem quickly becomes. 2/?

>>29242844
Think of it this way. In a story where ponies are slaves, where Starlight is sold at an auction to work on a plantation, there is not one point where she is denied anything or endures hardship. On line 506, you make her senior berry harvester after around a week of work. I always thought that one needed seniority to become a senior worker, but hey. On line 512, you have her eager to prove her worth right after said promotion, indicating to me that either she thinks she was entitled to it from the start, or you don’t see it as a very big deal. On line 849, you do it again by giving her boss powers for doing a really good job in her first harvest, and I think this example takes the cake as far as illustrating my point.

Earlier, Anon explains to her that a pony has to demonstrate her trustworthiness and loyalty in order to reach the status that the CMC and Apple family enjoy. How does Starlight do this by picking the most berries? That feat, while impressive, does nothing to show her ability to manage ponies, or her ability to handle authority, a quality she herself has questioned multiple times. Management doesn’t simply go to the most efficient worker; you have to have people skills, the ability to think far in advance, and, most importantly, experience. That’s experience, not natural talent. There will be aspects of her job that Starlight has no conception of because she hasn’t seen them before, and if Anon is such a good businessman, he would know that before handing her that kind of power. And then, what does Starlight do? She excels anyway. 3/?

>>29242856
It is a flattening of the character, and it is its absolute worst when it is the protagonist, because it erases potential for conflict. The result of that is that either the story becomes a parade of things going just great for the protagonist, which is what yours is so far, or that character has some kind of sudden lapse that allows the conflict to rush in, which I’ve seen elsewhere. It’s interesting to write a character who has so many strengths, and it feels great, I know that; I’ve had crushes on my characters as well. To read, however, it’s no good. As a reader, what do I have to fear for Starlight? Anon loves her and she’s great at her job. Short of something ridiculous, like an out-of-nowhere slave uprising or Anon revealing that he’s actually a maniacal despot, what can possibly hurt her? She’s got resources and authority and the knowledge to use both, with a circle of friends who support her.

The best characters are the ones with believable problems. Everyone has weaknesses in their daily lives, and it is the exploration of these weaknesses that makes a story good. One of the things people originally loved about Twilight was her obsession with order; it gave her texture, it gave her personality. It made her interesting to watch. Same thing with Fluttershy and her shyness, Applejack and her stubbornness, and so forth.

In this story, you hint at Starlight’s reservations concerning her past, and some fear that she might revert to old ways, but you don’t do anything with it. It almost seems to me like you mentioned these things to prove that you thought of them, and were satisfied. Again, if you’re planning on these fears actually come to mean something later on, then you’re really taking your sweet time. If the conflict hasn’t kicked in by close to fifteen hundred lines, then you’ve got a problem. 4/?

>>29242870
It takes me back to what I said regarding the fundamental problem with Mary Sue characters: no conflict. You take it up one more notch here by giving Starlight a bunch of admirers. There are petty people in the world, people who are not made happier by the presence of someone that outperforms them. Where are the bitter ponies who want to see Starlight knocked down? I saw one, getting caned up on stage, but that single beating, which gets its own paragraph later, hardly compensates for all the adulation that flows in from elsewhere. So not only is she great at what she does with apparently no effort, but everyone loves her for it. On lines 1226-1231, you reinforce it further by having her shrug off something that most unicorns can only dream of. So again, what have I to fear for her? She seems pretty much untouchable on this plantation.

The conflict needn’t be extreme or far-reaching. Starlight does not need to save the whole farm from destruction for this story to be good, nor does she need to be the one to lead the charge against Anon if he turns out to be a bad man. It could be as simple as Starlight learning her place in something larger at the price of some friendships she once valued. Maybe she has to beat the shit out of Tangerine or something. Maybe she sees Lyra cane someone and finds, upon reflection, that she believes it was justified. There’s ample room for conflict between characters, and there are tons of stories out there that are just character conflict, with plot taking a back seat. I’m not saying yours needs to be like that, but I mention it to let you know the scope of the potential you’re working with. I saw you attempting some moral discomfort, with Starlight reacting strongly to the beatings, but it doesn’t hold up in my reading. For one thing, only two ponies were beaten, and for good reasons both times. For another thing, Starlight doesn’t seem to stay bothered by it for very long. 5/?

>>29242887
In a general sense, conflict can take a multitude of forms, each one situational to its story and its characters. That’s why I led with a discussion on rounded characters, for they are the implements by which conflict can arise. When you do make conflict appear, you need to give it room in the story to develop and firm up, and ideally change as the story progresses. A bad conflict is one that remains at arm’s length throughout, always a vague threat that is only realized during the climax, where a good one appears in multiple ways at different times in the story, forcing characters to change and adapt in order to accomplish whatever task they have. If it’s a more interpersonal conflict, you need to give yourself the space to let those characters interact so that the conflict can actually come to light in a natural way. In such a story, simply expositing will not do.

On line 704, you are inflating the severity of the beating. From a purely concrete standpoint, speaking from an in-universe perspective, it went on for a single minute, and it was for a damn good reason, as Lyra explained. I’m sure it hurt the pony, and I’m sure those yelps of hers were quite poignant, but she knew the rules, and she knew the consequences. Yes, Starlight hasn’t been exposed to this very much, but she’s aware of it, and she’s never come across as all that emotional except at this point. 6/?

>>29242897
Speaking from the perspective of the detached critic, you are employing an artificial means to try to raise the intensity in your story. Starlight, so far an indestructible stanchion of goodness and competence, is for the moment made so sensitive that the caning she witnesses is enough to freak her out. Instead of playing with events outside of your character, you are changing your character for as long as it takes to get the reaction that you need. Think of it this way: beatings on the farm are, if not common, at least unsurprising. What about this particular beating makes it stand out from the others? Was the crime that earned it especially egregious? Was the pony a repeat offender? No, neither; the only thing that sets it apart is the fact that Starlight gets worked up about it, and that’s nothing special either. It’s not like she’s dropping ponies’ jaws by reacting negatively to seeing someone get beaten.

This is another symptom of that lack of conflict I was talking about. With so little in the story to give your protagonist trouble, you wound up taking the one thing that does and making it sound like a central plot point. Starlight’s dread sure doesn’t last long when she actually makes it to Anon’s house, and there aren’t any more beatings, so what’s the point? One thing I’ve learned is to let events in the story speak for themselves. If one character does a mean thing to another character, don’t waste space letting the reader know how mean it was, just get on with how the victim reacts. If beating Soda Pop was such a sucky thing to see, then embellish it with more details, and make it suck for me to imagine. Don’t just plop a bunch of loaded words into a sentence and call it good. 7/?

>>29242914
And here I reach another problem I found in your story, something much smaller. I’ll use this as a kind of breather before going to the other large issue. There were several lines in your story that served as reminders or explanations of what had come just before, all unnecessary. Lines 66, 97, 132, 178, 187, 254, 505, and 1122 were the ones I jotted down. Sometimes, they break the flow of action or dialogue, like those statements of how Starlight feels about the beatings. I find it is always smoother to let the dialogue go on a little bit, so you can show Starlight’s nervousness or anxiety or whatever it is she’s feeling. It also enables the other characters to grow as well, since they’re given more time on the page.

The other big issue that you’re dealing with is a matter of internal consistency. I’m going to hit you with all the examples I found, knowing that specificity of this nature isn’t quite what you’re looking for. Don’t worry, I’ll tie it off just like before.

On line 113, you explain the process by which ponies were sold into slavery, and the fact that individuals were broken apart. If that is the case, then how did the CMC, orphans, get to stick together? Also, you’re making it sound like all of this happened right after the dimensions crossed, and I’m having a hell of a time imagining the timeline. Am I to believe that the ponies were made into slaves more or less immediately? How could that possibly work, and how could they go along with it? 8/?

>>29242928
On lines 312 and 355, Lyra’s talking about putting Starlight in a position of greater power and authority on her magical merits alone, with us having earlier read about how one needs to prove one’s self first. I was holding out for Lyra to either become a subversive or get beaten to remind her of her place, but neither of those happened, so I guess I have to assume that you’re not paying close enough attention to your own hierarchy.

Lines 321-339, Starlight’s talk with Big Mac, are far too brief for how inquisitive Starlight was earlier.

On line 472, you say that Lyra’s approved her work on the berry orchards, but I thought that was ultimately Sweetie Belle’s decision.

One line 813, you discuss the role of religion for the ponies, and I found it odd that the government would let them practice freely. I’d think there would need to be some regulation on that, so the ponies can’t empower themselves too much.

On lines 591-602, and then 1088-1114, you’ve got these weird high school-style public announcements that I found distinctly out-of-place on the plantation, especially the latter one. If they have informants everywhere, then is the only point to these announcements to show the ponies at large that the management cares? If so, that would be known anyway, if there were more private meetings, because ponies would circulate that information. The only thing I can think of is it’s some way to try to drive a wedge between management and slaves, but it sure doesn’t look like that kind of story to me. Moreover, on line 1114, if there’s so little chance of her losing her position, then why bother with all the stuff before it anyway? 9/?

>>29242944
The trend that I noticed among these individual issues is that you appear to be forgetting about the precedents you set for yourself. There are a couple places where you fail to follow through with an idea about how your world works, but those are few and far-between. Commonly, you’ll mention something, or have a character mention something, and then write an event later that contradicts it. I’m not sure what sort of advice to give you to improve on that, because it relies on memory more than writing skill. You can try to leave notes for yourself, but it can be hard to know which things are worth taking notes on and which aren’t when you’re in the moment.

The one larger example of internal consistency trouble that does not fit in with what I said above is this: the so-called business that Anon is running. I get that he’s all about ponies being treated well, but that sentiment is coming at the cost of a lot of believability. For a while, I could handle it. All the rewards, while odd, are acceptable with his amount of wealth. The interpersonal niceness is fine. It was the area around line 1152 that got me. They’re done with the harvest early, and they spend those extra days partying and goofing off instead of working on other things. Especially considering all the logistics involved with running a farm, and a business that’s attached to it, there’s no way there’s nothing else for them to do. Why not help the earth ponies? You’ve gone to such lengths to make this farm into the best possible place for a pony slave, but it stopped being an authentic business for that reason. The punishments, all two of them, do nothing to assay the overwhelming sense of niceness permeating the farm, and come across more as obligatory acknowledgements of a discipline system. 10/?

>>29242830
>Archetypal Mary Sue
I noticed this in writing, but the problem is that her personality in the show is very close to that in the first place. However, the initial conversation with Starlight is not meant to convey that vibe at all, I'll take a look and maybe rewrite it. It was more trying to set up Anon's character than anything else, quick to praise and with a bit of a comfy country style.
>>29242844
>Starlight as a focal point
Intended. One of the main intents of my POV experimentation, Starlight puts a lot of emphasis on conversation pertaining to her while missing those around her. I'm not sure if it's noticeable, but she's also supposed to be slightly narcissistic.

>>29242856
Noted, thanks.

>>29242870
>lack of conflict
I really should have waited a few days before having you write this, we're starting a stretch of both internal and interpersonal conflict, although some of this has been simmering between the lines for some time.

>>29242887
Spoilered for those who are actively reading this fic
This is an important point of conflict in the future. Starlight is, at this point, being seen as another in-charge and so ponies are mostly treating her with fear masked by cordiality. I'd like to ask, if this will be revealed later, have I done well enough to hide it without making that scenario implausible?
There are three or four separate conflicts that are either coming to a boil now, starting to form, or are planned out in advance. This fic is likely not halfway done yet, but I'll speed things up in the future.
>>29242914
The intent was to convey her objections to a pony doing it to fellow pony, and the first time she's seen a proper beating (Anon's belting was supposed to be light, if that wasn't clear I'll go back to it). Still, noted, the emotional shift is not intentional.
>>29242928
I actually have a plan for backstory, which will be revealed near the actual story climax. Shouldn't be an issue.

Thanks overall

>>29242962
When constructing a setting, you need to put that setting’s needs before the characters' in-story needs, so that the story makes sense. If the characters do well, but in a setting that doesn’t hold up, then there’s no point to having them interacting there because the reader doesn’t have any sense of reality upon which to rely. Plus, it damages the author’s credibility. If an author is clearly lacking basic knowledge on the way something works, then there’s not really any reason for the reader to take it seriously. This is why research and personal experience are so important.

What follows will be a string of more isolated problems, things that are less severe in their singularity. Then, a third pass for grammatical and syntactical issues, and my concluding paragraph. Are you hanging in there?

Lines 100-105 seem kind of strange to me. This is the kind of terse, tense bit of dialogue that is perfect for foreshadowing a later conflict, but that conflict never came, so I have to wonder why you mentioned it at all. If it was to show how implicitly Anon trusts Applejack, I think you could have found a way to do it without roping in that suggestion of foreshadowing.

From line 108 to the end of the section, I think that your exposition would have come across better as a full dialogue, rather than expository prose. It reads weirdly to shift from non-spoken exposition to spoken exposition on line 128, and it also makes the belting seem more sudden. It breaks the flow because the belting, a single event in time, occurs right around an explanation of a more continuous sequence of events, and both are described in the same narrative voice. 11/?

>>29242975
Again with foreshadowing, I think line 226 is too clunky and transparent. I know that, technically, it is Starlight who is thinking that he might be speaking about her, and she might be wrong, but, in practice, what alternative assumption is there? She’s the protagonist, of course her innermost thoughts are going to be germane to the story. As a reader, I recognized that right away.

On line 309, when it is revealed that Lyra is also in management, I spotted quite the coincidence. Everyone from Ponyville has managed to get an important job on the farm, both main character and background pony alike. That kind of coincidence, I feel, is an echo of the resounding favoritism you’re showing to Starlight, and it damages your reliability as an author. Let me be perfectly clear here: I’m not talking about reliability as a narrative voice, I’m talking about reliability as a writer, as someone who conveys a story through the use of character and plot. It makes it appear that you have a vested interest in your characters beyond just seeing them perform well on the page, and that doesn’t sit well with most readers, because they’re probably not reading the story for the same reason you’re writing it. In this regard, I advise you exercise more caution. It will be easier to do outside of the bounds of a fanfiction, I cede, but you can still work in this situation, whether you replace Lyra with an OC, or just add more OCs to the management to dilute all the familiar faces.

Then, at the very end (of where I was reading), I was asking myself whether it was necessary to read such detail on all the things Starlight purchases, and all the places they go. Some of it would be great, but so much got dreary. Maybe if there were more conflict and plot in the former half, their shopping spree would be a welcome breath of fresh air, but, as it is now, it’s just marking time until the plot arrives. 12/?

>>29242986
Stories do best, I have found, when they contain a rhythm of action to stillness. Too much of either and the story will stagnate, so a lot of good writing boils down to knowing when to give your characters a kick in the teeth and when to let them rest a bit. Your absolute worst slice of life stories are the ones where everything is perfectly nice and domestic all the time, and Anon and his waifu snuggle on the couch do all the romantic filler stuff that people fantasize about. As one or two-post greens, they can be comfy and nice, but as a full story, forget about it. Meanwhile, the worst action stories are the ones where character X storms the castle, fights for the next couple chapters, gets betrayed, and fights for the next couple chapters after that: endless progressions of movement and action that never let up and never build into more than themselves. Like life, a good story imitates the constant ebb and flow of activity and calm. 13/?

>>29243012
Finally, I wasn’t certain whether I wanted to make a big deal out of this. I’ve been putting it off, actually, but I think I should say something. Anon’s business model, surrounding his unicorns and their berries with earth ponies and their crops. Admittedly, I’m no businessperson, but the whole strategy seems silly. First, no intelligent entrepreneur will stake his or her entire operation on an assumption, even a relatively safe one, like the kindness of the ponies and their unwillingness to get their neighbors into trouble. He’s putting all his eggs in this one basket that he has no control over. Second, why must it be so convoluted? Can’t he just vet the unicorns himself and get a team of thirty or so who he knows are loyal to him, and just run it that way? Maybe you have something planned for this setup, and I hope you do, but from here it looks ridiculous, and it’s going to look ridiculous to any other reader as they go. This ties into my piece on internal consistency, sort of, but I felt it was removed enough due to its more abstract nature that I would take it to a different spot in this book of a critique.

Make no mistake, I ran a comb through this thing as I read. Here are the teeny tiny details that I picked up.

Line 50: “Are” should be “is,” and take out the second “as well.”

In the beginning, why do they strap a magical suppression device to Starlight only after she reaches the farm? Shouldn’t she have it on the truck and at the auction house as well?

Line 74: Her meeting some old friends is not a debacle.

Line 124: “Domestic” is the word you’re looking for.

Line 174: Be careful with letting your ponies use expressions with the word “hand” in them. If you’re going to do it, sprinkle in a few other adopted human-isms that they wouldn’t normally have, to show that you’re doing it deliberately. 14/?

>>29243027
Lines 216 and 217: You use “certainly” twice, and in the same place and context.

Line 229: Anon’s concern about giving Starlight this job comes across as disingenuous. He has control over what job she takes. If he’s not comfortable with it, then he can send her to a less magical position. There’s no reason for him to do for her what he does, given his reservations.

Line 232: This is heavy-handed and kitschy.

Line 271: How can she tell, just by looking, that the magical suppressors are permanent?

Line 385: You have an extra question mark.

Line 417: You have “of course” twice.

Line 436: Don’t make it into some kind of minor event that the seat was empty with that “somehow.” Just state it and move on. The “somehow” makes it seem like it’s remarkable that the seat is empty, when you needn’t draw any attention to that fact.

Line 467: If she’s so cold, then she should get under the sheets. It shouldn’t be a problem.

Line 515: You say she managed to procure a clock, meaning that there wasn’t one there originally. In a work environment where punctuality is so important, I find it hard to believe there was no timepiece in her room already.

Line 642: You want the plural on “pea.”

Line 649: Your simile is amazingly heavy-handed here.

Line 747: You’re repeating yourself from line 744.

Line 827: You mean sapience, not sentience. Sentience is any ability to feel and perceive, whereas sapience is awareness of the self as the self.

Line 828: You want “gentle,” not “gently.”

Line 932: You forgot to capitalize Starlight’s name.

Line 1178: You’re missing some words in here.

Line 1237: You’re being redundant with “advanced levitation” and “advanced uses of it.”

Line 1248: You want an exclamation point, not a question mark.

Line 1287: You want “eating,” not “heating.”

Line 1367: “Say” and “express” are redundant. I’d knock it down to just “he doesn’t express it.” 15/17

>>29243044
The final point before the conclusion is a sweet one. I thought that the exposition on lines 35-46 was delivered very well. Adding it in dribs and drabs during periods of character inactivity is a good technique, as long as you space it out well, which you mostly did. I was never bored while reading on Starlight’s past, or the state of the world. When we first meet Lyra, you did a good job of making her come across as suspicious. I don’t know whether it was intended, but I liked it. Overall, I thought your pacing was good, even though there wasn’t much action. The basic speed with which events unfold and appear was done well. The best part, I think, is your supporting characters. I thought they had just the right amount of information to make them important, but not so much that they stole the spotlight from the mains. Keeping them in that liminal position can be tricky, and I thought you did it well. 16/17

>>29243050
In conclusion, by far your biggest problem is your Mary Sue. To advise you on it in general, non-pony terms, I would say a good starting point would be to draw yourself an outline or a character biography before writing, so you have a good idea of who you’re working with. Everyone has weakness, so you want to represent that in your story, and, even more, use it. Weakness brings potential for plot, it brings challenges, it gives a character something to overcome and strive for. It gives them purpose. Take inspiration from people you know in real life, mix personality traits into someone that you’d like to write about, and, then, once they’re ready, don’t be afraid to knuckle down and torture the shit out of them. Heap the challenge on, stack the odds against them, and make the reader root for that character. Don’t overdo it, obviously; don’t let reason fall by the wayside, but don’t shy away from cranking up the heat to get the story going. Beyond that, pay attention to your world and your setting, and don’t let your own details slip past you, or else you’ll wind up with plot holes. I know you said you’d pay better attention to them in a more serious endeavor, but I think you’d better start paying attention to them now. You practice what you want to become, not what you want to improve from. 17/17

>>29242962
Anon's character is very carefully crafted, actually. What Starlight has seen is partly a facade. Above all else, Anon will be revealed as a very greedy man who cares about his closest ponies first, wealth second, farm third, and workers running it fourth. As for the unicorns getting days off, it is an oversight but fits in with the underlying theme of overworking earth ponies to force complacency while catering to the unicorns to avoid any trouble from the very angry demeanors they have that Starlight does not see.


>>29242975
Thank you, noted. I'm new to fiction writing but not to writing overall, so comments on setting and characterization are massively helpful to me. I've got the how and why figured out for most things you point out, but lack the means to deliver them.

>>29243027
Anon has made several critical miscalculations in his business strategy and it will be changed by the story end. I've tried to imply that he does actually vet his purchases thoroughly, but I probably haven't done enough to convey that given it's relevance to understanding later conflicts.

Thanks, plot holes. Magic device was slapped on all unicorns early on, thought this was implied but as I reread I realize your interpretation is more obvious. Will correct, thanks.

>>29243050
Thanks. I'm experimenting with characters in this story. While few will make significant real changes, perception of them will change drastically as the book goes on. So far, the only characters this effect should have been apparent in are Lyra and Sweetie Belle, with both now more trusted by Starlight. But, one character Starlight was correct about in her initial fears and views, while the other is closer in reality to how Starlight perceives her now. Can you spot which is which?
>>29243057
Thank you. To be fully honest, I'm not sure how else to characterize Starlight. In the show she has a very generic personality, overwhelming raw talent, but a redemption arc

>>29243101
To add to this, how would you have changed her characterization? It is the biggest issue you pointed out, but also one I'm not sure how to fix and one that I was aware of (and trying to avoid where possible) during writing. Some of your concerns are definitely intended effects due to the PoV considerations, but not all.

>>29242967
First of all, you're welcome entirely, and I would be willing to give it a second critique once you're finished. I prefer the complete story to sink my teeth into.

>focal point
I did notice the narcissism in Starlight, but that should not make other characters inclined to talk about her. She's no black hole.

>lack of conflict
If you're talking about her nervousness regarding her promotion, I saw that. Again, though, there's no reason to wait so long to get the conflict started up.

>first spoiler
I think you can get away with more signs, like folks deferring to her judgment more readily or ponies quieting as she approaches.

>beating
Oh, okay. It looked to me more like she was concerned that someone she once knew well was doing the deed.

>>29243101
>second spoiler
Why should Starlight not see them? Showing that kind of thing early on would do a lot to help you foster the kind of suspicion that that later realization will need to not come out of nowhere.

>third spoiler
Perhaps switching to Anon's perspective for some parts of the story would help you write or imply things like that more clearly.

>characters changing over time
I'm going to throw in for Lyra being the one Starlight is correct about now. She seems like the type of mare I'd be wary of if I were in a slavery situation.

>>29243111
I've not written Starlight before, but my first impulse would be to give her intelligence and talent a detrimental edge, something that makes her really unhappy in other situations. It's true that we have to play the cards we're dealt with these characters, but you can fudge the personal lives a good amount sometimes. Maybe let that lurking God complex menace her more than it appears to, or give her a shorter fuse. All that magic and all that intelligence, it's bound to make her an intense pony to be around if she has to be at it for too long without resting. I'm imagining someone who has "burnout in ten years" written all over them.

>>29243208
Thank you.
>nervousness
Not the term I would use but it's all I've shown at this point. There is a greater conflict there, but again, I agree with the speed concern in retrospect.

Other points, very helpful, thank you. That's part of the beating's horror too, but I agree that the mood swings too rapidly (even though it was hastened on purpose, it just seems odd now)

>>29243265
Good thoughts, thanks. And kind of, on the characters. Lyra is a fucking dangerous bitch but at the current point she's Starlight's closest ally and perhaps her most trusted one. Sweetie Belle shifts a few times, but is supposed to represent someone who's earned a notorious reputation without actually being wrong. This will be outlined more explicitly a bit later, but should be somewhat revealed now. Did you detect any of that vibe?

>>29243292
Well, I figured you'd keep Sweetie Belle more on the good side, just because of who she is in the show. I'm glad to hear that about Lyra; I can't wait to see it come to pass. I had my suspicions about her, as I mentioned.

>>29212767
If I'm gonna get so long winded maybe I'll post less at once.

Last Roundup
Oh Derpy.
The existence of the Equestrian Rodeo Competition is one of the notable bits of lore here.
All five of them are willing to take time off to go find their friend.
Rodeo clowns wearing clown pants.
We once again see ponies gripping things in their fetlocks. This is the anatomical homolog of the knuckle joint, so I suppose it makes... some sense. Especially given all the constant human postures and gestures ponies make.
Is this the first time we see evidence of a toilet/bathroom in My Little Pony?
Pinkie going full on "judge doom at the end of Roger Rabbit" is... appropriate for her, but seems a little exaggerated here.
I still wonder if any vehicle pulled by pegasi can fly, or if they need to be specially made or enchanted? It's obvious that they can at least lift off and give unnatural air time to a normal wagon.

It's interesting to me that there are so many pairs of episodes focusing primarily on the same character.

Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
I wrote a lot in my notes for this episode, but most of it is review, rather than lore. The plot of this thing actually made a lot more sense when I wrote it down. It's too bad it's a little hard to grok instantly, it'd be a great little morality play about hubris.
I guess we writers could learn a lesson here; the show confuses its own message a little by talking about the *quality* or *speed* of the 6000, when the issue is actually the owners' greed.
I'm a little confused about Fluttershy's embarrassment at the beginning of this episode. Weird nudity taboo around switching from one state to another? Or just a humorous bit from the writers referencing pulling the blankets off a human and finding them naked.
The pegasi fly full speed sideways.
We see another magic powered technology analogs (still wondering about that dam in Mare Do Well).
People call the Shimsham bacon hair, but really, look at these two.

>>29243765
An interesting story telling technique people can keep in mind: they have Flim Flam bros' arrival damage the property of the Apples (apparently accidentally). This isn't enough to cast them as bad on its own, but it does predispose the audience against them.
They directly hold their hats, as if with suction hooves.
We see once again that Rainbow will prefer flying to standing or walking even more than her fellow pegasi.
They refer to the "Kingdom of Canterlot". I'm once again struck by the idea that Equestria is a patchwork of semi-independent city-state sized jurisdictions that cumulatively owe some sort of fealty to Princess Celestia.

Read it and Weep
Cartoon anatomy Pinkie Pie again.
Ponies heal with miraculous speed relative to humans. Or maybe it's just wings? I'm pretty sure bird wings heal faster than many bones.
Sometimes the horserunes are more legible as English than others.
I wonder how many people know that the actual noun is derring-do? It's just like how you can't make a "just desserts" pun, because so few people know that the correct word is "deserts" (something someone deserves). Then again, in this case, the "derring" is literally the same word, just retaining an older spelling.
Some people have talked about their headcanon that Daring Do is an RD recolor because it's inside her mind, but there's a picture right on the front of the book.
I feel like humanized (but not Equestria Girl) Rainbow Dash is drawn as some sort of ambiguous brown almost as often as Twilight is done as Asian.
I wonder if the inspiration is from her physical parallel to Daring Do, who obviously has a South American kind of feel/connection.
Everypony laughs at Dash for not liking books. Excellent little social engineering cue there.
RD gets a glass stuck on her snout.
Rainbow Dash reads outloud.
That little wiggle kick is adorable. Just in case you needed to write a scene to make a character 'Hnnnnnng'

>>29243769
> I'm once again struck by the idea that Equestria is a patchwork of semi-independent city-state sized jurisdictions that cumulatively owe some sort of fealty to Princess Celestia.

Holy Roman Equestria Green when?

So what's that black man tag next to the anon tag? Is it supposed to be just random human?

>>29245420
What?

>>29245433
On fimfiction. The new character tab. When you make a new story and select the characters, there's OC, other, Anon and a black man. What does the black man mean?

>>29245503
NyX-man?

File: 1450117813336.jpg (111KB, 1280x713px) Image search: [Google]

111KB, 1280x713px

>>29245531
>Nyx becomes a taggable character
>Penstroke doesn't use it

>>29243769
>They refer to the "Kingdom of Canterlot". I'm once again struck by the idea that Equestria is a patchwork of semi-independent city-state sized jurisdictions that cumulatively owe some sort of fealty to Princess Celestia.
I like this idea, though I feel a lot of those quirky names could be a consequence of historical messes; a coup/pretender of Unicornia whose command was mostly restricted to Canterlot could end up being called the King of Canterlot, and if they persisted for long it could influence standard vocabulary about regions of the nation.

Though I'm probably reading to far into this; MLP never really appeals to my inner lorefag with explanations of how Equestria actually functions unfortunately.

don't let it die

Reading more green today as I skive off work today because of sleep deprivation, as one does.

Really persistent error: masseuse.
A masseuse is a woman.
Aloe and Lotus are masseuses. If it's Anon (not femanon) or a stallion, or bull minotaur, etc, he's a masseur.
Or a massage therapist.
Or heck, even "massager" doesn't sound out of place in English, though I'd probably think of a device instead of a person.

In fact, in France, if you don't know the massage therapist's gender, you'd use "masseur" until you were corrected. In other French speaking countries, the go as far as "masseur et masseuse" or something like "masse-ur-ues"


Slightly less common, equally nit-picky really:

A "queue" is a line, or (especially followed by "up") the act of creating/joining a line.
"The queue to enter was long and getting longer."
"He queued up a few songs."

"Cue" is a hint, prompt, or incitement to action (or as a verb, giving such):
"His cue to enter."
"The director cued him on his next line."

Etymology helps me remember these things:
Queue comes from Latin for tail.
Cue comes from abbreviating the Latin "quando" which means "when": "q" was a part of stage directions in plays.
("cue" also sounds like and is spelled similarly to "clue", and can have some similarities)

One of the reasons they're easy to confuse is that you can queue a song by putting it in a list, or you can cue it by noting it's time to play that specific track.

Hey... I've been rewriting chapter one of my old ponefic for years, the document's just been sitting there and edited occasionally while my shit is loading/saving or whatever. I'd love to publish it some day, and I've gotten way better at writing since then. Can I ask for something recent but non-pone https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11826277/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Blue-Topaz to be reviewed here?

>>29247089
I personally don't have an interest in reading or reviewing non-pone here.
I wouldn't frog-screech if somebody else reviewed it though.
Why not your pone thing?
Rewrite (or not!) with vigorous power and green it here for us to critique.

>>29247089
Nothing's stopping you from asking that here, but I think you might meet with a better reception in /vpwt/, the writethread of the Pokemon board. Not only is it more relevant to them, it seems more active than this place from what I can tell.

So, I've got a scene planned, but there's a little kink. Not that kind of kink

A pony calls out Anon's crappy behavior, because he's been pretty dismissive of her and her feelings. I wanted to know how much time is really needed for Anon to really think about their behavior? Like, how much time is too long, and how much is not enough?

>>29250045
You have to think about his character, or more specifically, what you want your readers to think about his character.

Maybe some small part of him has felt a little bit guilty any time he's been short with this pony because it seemed necessary at the time. Her calling him on it then would almost instantly produce guilt, and, I think in most people, a bit of bile, yelling, "You're right you're right dammit!" Because it hurts to admit he's wrong.

The case with the widest realistic span of options is where she's a friend and he's just been outright oblivious. I feel like I could easily be convinced that he has a "life runs before his eyes moment" that barely lasts a few seconds, or I could be just as easily convinced he goes, "What, shut up! I have not been like that." Goes home, tries to sleep, realizes, "Oh shit no that's exactly what I've been like."

It seems like you do want him to think about it, but in the majority of situations, especially when it's not between close friends, people just plain dig in their heels when called on wrong doing, and get defensive. It takes a while to tease them out of their emotional response. Hell, marriages fall apart because of defensiveness that gets built into a wall.

>>29243769

Hearts and Hooves
We get the "special somepony" term, but the song has the term "girlfriend" in it. This is really amusing given that marefriend is used so frequently in green (in fact, more often than fillyfriend, probably because it's got the right number of syllables).
Some tidbits about inter-tribe dating.
Every single pony they look at for Cheerilee is an Earth pony; but we see two pegasus and earth pony couples; and in the book about the love "poison" it's a unicorn and a non-unicorn.
(The unicorn is called "Princess" but we actually know from Hearth's Warming that that's traditional among unicorns.)
It might just be a population issue: Ponyville was originally an earth pony town.
It seems like only a pegasus could create this potion/poison.
It's vaguely interesting that the mane 6 all seem to have multiple sets of saddle bags. At least a few shown here aren't the same ones they had in other episodes.

A Friend in Deed
Cow in town, buying stuff.
We get the term "hoofbump"
Pinkie is a god damn chaos elemental.
We see donkeys living casually among ponies, but very few of them. Is there a donkey nation out there?
Of particular note is that they use "everypony/somepony" in a way that includes donkeys.
Pinkie is at maximum jimmy rustling levels here. Touching things she's told not to touch, calling people things they told her not to. But then again, by the end she's supposedly learned her lesson. I'd wonder about the message they're sending with making the stand-out difference a donkey, but then, Pinkie made friends with Matilda (oh, hey, a normal name!) with her normal methods.

Putting Your Hoof Down
Oh! This one actually starts with another example of everypony: Fluttershy uses it for her animals too. It really is more of a horsepun than a linguistic separator. Iron Will himself uses it later.
Full on canon example of weaponized sex appeal by Rarity.
Bugs Bunny reference for Pinkie Pie (probably part of her chaos magic).
More wings as hands.

>>29250689
Bit of a subtle detail, we see one of Iron Will's goats leaving as Fluttershy arrives: clearly the flyer was delivered directly instead of through mail.
This leaves some questions about goat sapience. They never talk. And plenty of the animals that Fluttershy tends seem to be perfectly sapient even though they can only talk to her.
Fascinating: they call Iron Will a monster, but don't seem particularly agitated about it; yet Fluttershy is pretty insistent that he's not a monster, he's a minotaur.
Iron Will says: "We're both reasonable creatures."
Doors in Ponyville are not scaled for ponies. I'm absolutely sure that this is an artistic decision to make the houses not look weird for the audience, but it sure does boggle the mind a little.
If it weren't for his horns, Iron Will would only need to slouch a little to enter Fluttershy's cottage. The knob placement at least makes a little sense, because ponies need to use their mouths on it, or rear up to use their forehooves.

About Time
Another reference to recognizeable weeks.
Twi's schedule has 15 boxes on it, but I'm guessing that's a schedule for a given day.
Yet another "Pinkie only displays fear as a put-on".
First time hearing about Tartarus (which I believe she pronounces in traditional way): apparently a physical place where powerful threats to Equestria are imprisoned.
I'm really not sure I'm hearing this right. Is Spike trying to scare Twilight by telling her there's a mountain behind her?
On the one hand, Twilight bitch slaps Spike with magic. On the other, she shoves him away from the window when she thinks a disaster is incoming, and is tender towards him when he has a stomach ache.
They call it a manecut.
There's a planet with at least 14 moons in the Equestrian solar system?
Also I'm not 100% certain, but that's definitely calculus on the board, and I think they're *relativisitic* orbital decay calculations.
The guards for the library are unicorns.

>>29249024
The thing is... My rewritten MLP fic is still a mess, scenes are out of order and lines like "Rewrite?" and "More drama?" are everywhere and I have yet to decide on an into for my OC. I want his intro to really hold power, to really grab people's attentions and make them go "Wow, this is not going to be like the usual bland-ass self-insert, this guy's cool and stories with him in it will be interesting".

Current plan:

businessponies walk into an office and enter the steam elevator, going to the top to meet the boss
the boss is arguing with someone else. wait, he isn't the boss and they're all supposed to meet Silver?
Where is Silver?
Silver is in his own building, everything's dramatic and ominous, he's reading, and his secretary walks in to tell him it's time, but he's really into his book and she has to encourage him to do it. He jumps out the window and parkour-with-magics his way to the building, crashing through the glass and casually fixing it with a spell because alteration spells are his main thing.
He talks to each of the three at the same time, and when they don't agree, he transmutes the room to have walls and seemingly teleports into each one. he actually spawns fire clone knockoffs to handle this for him.
he convinces each one to accept a bad deal that gives him money. except the third one, he's being blackmailed and silver is hired to find the blackmailer, but the blackmailer's also silver.
when he wins three times in a row, he leaves, heads back home, celebrates, throws money in the air, laughs about how awesome he is, and then sighs because this just isnt the same any more. he's bored.
he decides to go for a change of scenery, picking ponyville because it's close enough to canterlot for him to teleport back every day and negate the main point of a vacation.
in ponyville he meets the mane six, befriends his favorite ones, and show-accurate slice of life shit happens until an evil business partner he was knowingly helping out ACTUALLY DOES his evil plan and tries a coup, and silver has to stop it while making sure nobody finds out about this titanic fuckup on his part.

boop

Goop

Seriously if my idea for that opening is terrible please tell me, and tell me how i can do it better.

>>29253235
Somebody will get back to you. To be honest, some of us are busy, and only frequent the thread long enough to see what page it's on. I'll read it in a bit.

Bump

>>29253235
>>29251866
>>29251469

Are these all you?
You should link things together if they're about the same story or subject.
I'll go forward assuming so.

>I want his intro to really hold power, to really grab people's attentions and make them go "Wow, this is not going to be like the usual bland-ass self-insert, this guy's cool and stories with him in it will be interesting".

One issue, right off the start: that's a very ambitious goal, and I'd back off on it a little.

For one thing, I know I practically only come to MLP because I like reading greentext with an Anon whose "personality" almost entirely consists of being laid back, a little bit crazy, and having a dry sarcastic sense of humor.
But that's me, and everybody has their own taste. It could find an audience.

But more importantly, it's hard to imagine any single way a writer could provoke an "oh so cool and interesting" reaction from a modern audience with a single introduction. Sure, 4chan raises being jaded (but angry, so angry) to an artform, but it's an issue anywhere. Coolness is something you build, line by line, scene by scene.

The basic structure and main idea behind for your story is pretty good actually.
The whole "vacation turns mini-redemption" aspect is a good traditional one, plus the conflict situation being where he can act like he's doing a good deed, but actually reaping the rewards of his own hubris.
I think it has potential and I hope you finish it.
But really, 85% of a story's final quality is about implementation instead of broad ideas.

I don't know if your actual writing might end up more detailed, but even your synopsis is a little tough to follow. It's important that you appropriately introduce concepts and set the scene for your readers. You don't need to go overboard on detail (I know that's one of my problems), but you need more structure than you have here.

>>29254329
Obviously it's just a synopsis, so it's a bit silly to go in depth, but I'm going to make some suggestions as a kind of example.
Right at the start, you should go for big details. There are three businessponies, entering an office building in Canterlot. It's (probably? unclear) not the one they work at. They're there for a meeting
In the original, you say "going to meet the boss". First, I think "boss" isn't a good word choice, you also need to provide some context. My first reading is that these are mafia ponies meeting their mob boss. From context I eventually realized that it's not even their boss.
Be aware of the connotations of the words you choose.
I'd say something more like:
"A trio of businessponies enter a company's building in Canterlot. They're here to meet with the head of that company."

The next bit still has us in confusion about who "the boss" is, and mentions a "Silver" as if we should know who that is. I mean, here's just an interpretation:
"The pony they thought they were there to meet is arguing with somepony (a secretary or something). From what they hear, the reader realizes they're actually supposed to meet somepony named Silver, who is apparently not there, but should be."

Some actual suggestions for your story:

You can get some Reference Points™ if the full name of the pony is Quick Silver. That's a name for mercury, which was considered by alchemists to have magical powers; and magical alteration is sort of hand in hand with alchemy.

>>29254338
Take care with "parkour with magic". I cringed a little reading that. This is an important, company owning kind of pony. The default image for a character like that is one who will be very dignified (and that image holds true both for your readers AND for the other characters in the world). You really have to sell that they have just the right kind of atittude to make it come off right: manic, doesn't take themselves too seriously. Jim Butcher does this a good job of this in the Dresden Files; and in one of the later books, Dresden does in fact start doing parkour+magic.

On the other hand, I actually really like the idea of somebody dynamic entry-ing through a window, then using magic to repair the window. Serious power play, and also a little funny (and even more of both if the character is completely deadpan about it).

So my recommendation would be to deemphasize exactly how he gets from his office to the one where he's having the meeting, maybe just a brief mention, like that he has a hang glider on the outside of his tower. Or he's in the same building, but he gets to the room where the meeting is by going out to his balcony, where he has a rope, and does a SWAT style abseil to the right room.

Going back to both issues with the writing in this synopsis, but also the story it's about; my interpretation is this:
"He talks to the three as a group, trying to convince them to accept a business arrangement with him. They don't agree."
We learn that the third one is being blackmailed and wants to hire Silver to find that blackmailer but plottwist, the blackmailer is Silver (done before, but quite fun). So what part could he have had in the start of that discussion?
Would the more correct interpretation have been:
"He tries to talk to the three as a group, but they each want to have their discussions privately." (Why did they come in as a group in that case?)

>>29254348

The next part is mostly understandable, but still a little hard to read. Maybe it's clearer in writing, but it's a complex situation, so you have to be extra clear.
Think through in exact steps the information you convey. He creates walls in the room they're in. They separate the three ponies. He appears to each pony as if he teleported into the room, but either two or all three are actually the creation of magical clones.
When they're on their own, he's able to convince two to take a deal that's actually disadvantageous for them, and you reveal the double blackmail reach-around for the third.

>scenes are out of order and lines like "Rewrite?" and "More drama?" are everywhere
I've actually done initial revision on plenty of drafts that have mark-up all over them, including blocks of (insert scene here with a dialog that establishes these characters as spies) etc.
It's better if you have a complete text, or at least complete chunks.
I mean, you're giving it to somebody to suggest revisions. They know stuff needs to be changed. It's fairly typical for the second draft of most works to be totally rewritten from scratch. (The longer a work is, the more it needs to be rewritten, too, to maintain all through consistency.)

>>29254109
Yeah, listen to this guy. It's always important to remember that review and revision is hard work. I changed 15$ an hour for editing work in college (admittedly, non-narrative, and including fact checks), and lots of people were willing to pay for it.
I do this because I need to do something to procrastinate on work, and I also need practice on narrative/prose editing.

I'm writing a new story for reverse trap general.
I am having heretofore unheard of levels of idea block right now.

Trixie has to complete attendance at a male only boarding school for Reasons.

She and Anon have shared some classes and don't get along. Somewhat from misunderstandings, mostly because Trixie is who she is. Due to Shenanigans Anon finds out about it, and ends up agreeing to help her out.

That's about it except for one or two thoughts about what might happen later.

So on the most general level, what do people do for ideas?
I swear, I feel like I never have this particular problem, it's always that I'm overflowing with ideas, but can't force myself to actually write them out.

Could anybody suggest any specific ideas?

Suggestions for media I could mine inspiration from?

>9
No.

Last bump from me for a while. Goodnight

What's your best advice on writing clop?

>>29257559
It's simple: Don't write clop.

>>29257702
Nice advice

but gay

>>29257702
Don't be a faggot, Anon.

>>29257559
Listen to your boner.

>>29257559
Try to make it not suck. You most likely won't succeed, but at least try.

>>29257559
write horny, edit after fapping.

Don't go too purple with synonyms.
Learn the anatomy.

You have to strike the right balance, descriptive enough that the reader understands what's happening, and emotionally engages with it, but poetic enough that it doesn't read like IKEA assembly instructions.
Make sure to include descriptions, not just the end result, as it were, but paint explicitly what the person sees, and invoke smell and touch and sound often too.
And there's no algorithm for how to find that balance. You just have to learn by example and practice. Read plenty of it and try to be a little critical, carefully note what excites you and what seems to bog down the action.

(You know, this entire last block actually applies to all writing.)

>>29259900

Seven's far from heaven/
Eight is not great/
And nine is never fine/
These little understatements of mine.

Especially inactive lately, huh?
That's too bad.
Green is the best color.
But we'll keep bumping. Ready to work in service of better green.

>>29264744
Green is not a creative color

One more

>>29265198
It'd be neat to find a way to ponify that thing.

Would anybody mind if I posted a small sample of something I'm writing at the moment? Preferably for criticism?

>>29268353
It is January 14th and you are really tempting me to violate my "less sarcasm" New Years Resolution.

Yes. Please post some of your story for criticism, as that is the purpose for which this thread exists.

Follow the rules in the top post

If there's some specific aspect you want more focused critique about, or some goal you're going for, mention that.

Don't be impatient if it takes a little bit for it to get feedback.

>>29268513
Oh. O-ok then.

>“Pinkie is here yet again, Twilight Sparkle! Pinkie has come to inspect what you are doing and if they have come to attack, for the safety of the Twilights is her number one priority at the moment!”
“Uh huh. Great.”
>You stand over the desk at the center of your library, reading another book yet again on your desk regarding the grandness of the God-Princess herself, Princess Celestia.
>You would say how much you hate this rushedly written paperweight and rant about how truly inaccurate it is to representing the true figure herself--or better yet, the figure you’ve had the grand misfortune of serving for a long time now, more specifically, your childhood.
>Still, as much as you’d love to normally complain, you’ve learned well that Celestia’s ears reach far and wide.
>Better to be slightly more silent than your thoughts…
>“Twilight? Twilight!? Why are you still not listening to Pinkie!? Do not you wish to repay Pinkie for her superior methods of protection? She has spent many hard hours around your home!”
>God that voice…
>Pinkie.
>She’s been in here for a long time now.
>You try to tune her out, but just hearing her in the background will probably drive you to drink; something you told yourself you’d cut back on to prove to Spike that he’s wrong--just as he always is.

It's supposed to be MAS's versions of the characters. Did I write them accurately enough?

>>29268696
Twilight seeing Celestia as brutal and draconian, reminiscing about her childhood, Pinkie's obnoxious yet intriguing statements, and Twilight being an alcoholic.

The dialogue is exactly what I'd expect from an episode of the MAS, and the actual writing is good enough for storytelling. It's not particularly "funny", so if that's what your going for, try a little more of a loose comedic approach to the events and dialogue. Never keep things going in one tone for too long. There has to be unexpected and outlandish topics of discussion, if there's no actual action going on in the story.. I'd say you'd just need to actually push a story, and then it would be all the more entertaining to read.

I'd say you did pretty good.

>>29268696
I'm on mobile so I can't give too specific advice, but you have some major sentence structure and flow issues here. Particularly concerning is the line on Twilight's experience under Celestia. It should be split into at least two sentences and the final part about her childhood is very awkward in its phrasing. This is a case where reading your stuff out loud will work wonders. Don't just whisper it under your breath, read it out loud if you can. The parts that are really wonky will become apparent.

>>29269714
Handsome AND smart (though only to a certain degree, given his distaste for certain ponies)

The "reading out loud in a full clear voice to catch flow and structure issues" trick is almost as high quality and almost as cute as the "read sentence by sentence backwards to proofread" trick.

>>29268696
I haven't watched MAS, so I can't comment on that.

Like he said, your sentence structure could use some work, so I decided to review in depth as personal practice, and hopefully as a helpful example to you.
It's mostly nothing too atrocious, but nearly every line here needs revision.
Some pieces are actually rendered interesting in their unusualness, but they're also awkward.
Others are simply unclear, and have pointless redundancy.

I apologize in advance, the advice is mixed up between, "This is actually ungrammatical and/or confusing," and, "I merely think this would sound better another way."

I hope you're not discouraged by the length of my feedback. You're not off to a bad start in terms of initiating a story and setting a scene. Practice writing (and reading) is the best way to get a natural feeling for grammar and word choice.

>Pinkie has come to inspect what you are doing and if they have come to attack
The way this is written, the part after "and" reads as: "Pinkie has come to inspect if they have come to attack", and "inspects" doesn't work that way.
You need to add a verb (eg, "and see if they have..."; "discover" and "find out" also work). You might be able to rewrite that part so that it can follow "inspect". "... And avenues for their potential attack."
You also have "has/have come to" twice in that sentence, which might be okay for weirdo dialog, but you don't want to do that too often.

>>29269912
>You stand over the desk at the center of your library, reading another book yet again on your desk regarding
If she's standing over the desk, you don't also need to specify that the book is also on the desk.
>another book yet again
is especially hard to understand. I am forced to guess that this is one more in a long series of books about how Celestia is great?
Actually, without the "on your desk", it's a lot cleaner already:
>reading another book yet again regarding
But it's still clunky. At the least you need to expand to "which is yet again." But instead try "reading yet another book...".
"Regarding" is not quite the right word here. A book 'regarding' someone's greatness might be about how that greatness is made up. I would replace it with a phrase like, "On the theme of", or I'd use a more direct word, like "describing," "expressing," "outlining," "illustrating" etc. "Expounding on" would work well.
There's also the set phrase "extolling the virtues of" which sounds good, but might be cliche.

>You would say how much you hate this rushedly written paperweight and rant about how truly inaccurate it is to representing the true figure herself--or better yet, the figure you’ve had the grand misfortune of serving for a long time now, more specifically, your childhood.
Whew boy, what a lunker.
>You would say
When using "would" in this way you need to have the reason she isn't doing it in the same sentence. But this one is already long, so you should change it to "You wish you could say".

>>29269917
>this rushedly written paperweight
This is a taste issue, but it's one that I think would be very common. Consider a different description entirely. But here are other options:
"Rushedly written" just sounds really awkward. "Hastily" combined with a word for poor writing (like "scribbled" or "scrawled") sounds a lot more natural.
"Paperweight" is rarely used of books. "Doorstop" is probably a lot better, especially if the book is supposed to be thick. Other wise, again, rewrite this description.
>inaccurate it is to representing
It must be either "inaccurate it is to the" or "inaccurate it is in representing", and the second isn't great. But I'd strip out the "it is" as unnecessary. Actually, I wouldn't stop there: "inaccurately it represents"
>the true figure herself
"figure" is already off, since it's a metaphorical word and refers to the impression of a person, rendering it contradictory to both "true" and "herself". I'd switch to "person" (or since it's MLP, "pony") or, since she's a dignitary, "personnage".
"the truth of" makes more sense but is wordier.
>or better yet,
This makes almost no sense. I think I get what you're going for. That it's not just that Twilight knows the truth of this person, she's experienced it since foalhood. I'm not sure what the right change would be. Maybe "more significantly" or "specifically". You might consider actually striking this part after the dash, but then this passage would lose that information.
>for a long time now, more specifically, your childhood.
This is missing a "since". You might also want to use "foalhood", since it's a tiny horse. "since your foalhood."
But also definitely strike the "more specifically". It bogs down a sentence that's already long.

>>29269920
>Still, as much as you’d love to normally complain, you’ve learned well that Celestia’s ears reach far and wide.
"Still" in this sense, means "in spite of the preceding". For that to make sense, you need to drop the speculative part from the beginning of the previous line, just start with "You hate this... and want to rant..."
But you should just use a different word. "But" works perfectly here.
>you'd love to normally complain
She would love to complain in a normal way? I think you meant to put the "normally" before the "love".
But cut it instead: she's lived under Celestia most of her life, that means "normal" should be not complaining. In fact, I think you should drop this whole aside. The entire previous line already establishes how much Twilight wants to complain.

Lowest priority recommendation in this entire critique: "reach far and wide" is a little cliche. "reach everywhere", "reach wherever you are", or even "have surprising reach" might be a little more distinctive.

>Better to be slightly more silent than your thoughts…
This is... actually weirdly poetic. It's a little hard to understand, so try looking at it from a few other angles, but it's interesting-ness merits keeping it. Maybe "thinking" instead of "your thoughts".

>She’s been in here for a long time now.
Would sound better if you dropped the "in", or swapped "in here" for something similar, like "around", "near", "by you", etc.
It's not that "in here" is wrong, per se, it just doesn't quite give the right image.

>>29269926
>; something you told yourself you’d cut back on to prove to Spike that he’s wrong--just as he always is.
I respect your desire to use semi-colons, they should get more use. But I'd argue that a semi-colon is too strong a break to follow with "something". It should be a comma, and also "which" would sound better. I think the best would actually be dropping "something", whether you keep the semi-colon or break it up into two sentences. The reader already knows you're talking about her drinking when you get to "cut back", there's no need to belabor the fact.
>just as he always is.
Drop the "just". In this structure (pretty much any time it's followed by "as") it means "exactly" or "precisely", but Spike's not 'precisely wrong' here.

Very random side-note: it's interesting that your editor substitutes in ellipses, but doesn't replace the double hyphen with a dash.

>>29268696
>>29269912

I'm reading my own feedback and the original. Some of this advice I feel less confident on now, especially towards the end. I also missed a couple things.

>something you told yourself you’d cut back on
If you take my advice to remove "something" you obviously need to remove "on".

>truly inaccurate it is to representing the true figure
How'd I miss that "truly"? Substitute that for another adverb, absolutely do so if you're keeping "true" later on. "deeply" or "desperately" come to mind.

I don't dislike, "She's been in here..." as much as I did the first time.

Rereading the last sentence I realized I didn't get it quite right, and the "just" should stay.

Oh your editor also does proper quotes.

good stuff

bumpy

God, trying to write a Starlight+Mane 6 shitfic made me realize why she sucks so much in the show. Compared to the mane 6, she's underdeveloped, so you can't help but focus on her to flesh out her character. But when I do write scenes with the mane 6, I focus entirely on them and ignore starlight because she has no character dynamic whatsoever with anyone and a useless personality.

Funny how writing fanfiction can sometimes help you understand the show writers.

>>29271701
That's what makes writing so much fun! If it were all just plugging in things that others have already made it wouldn't be creation. Starlight has tons of potential, and organically developing her has got to be fun. I may try it myself soon.

>>29269496
It's a crossover with the actual canon show. I was dared by a friend to write it.
So yeah, there'll be more than just one single tone.

>>29269714
Oh fuck, I never thought about reading my own shit aloud. But wow, it really does help. I usually read other stuff aloud in private because it's good for the brain, or so I have heard. But yeah, doing it now.

>>29269912
>>29269917
>>29269920
>>29269926
>>29269933
>Some pieces are actually rendered interesting in their unusualness, but they're also awkward.
Yeah, I've been trying to play around with how I do things lately, but it's usually hit or miss. I'm just trying to refine my style I suppose.

>literally everything you've written just to help me
Holy shit, this is great. Thank you so much for taking the time to do all of this to help me. I realize a lot of the time I have poor word usage for certain things, and I'm trying hard to improve on it. Also, I know reading and writing should help impress me, but are ther any other ways for me to refine the way I may write? The main problem I come into when I craft a sentence is that I feel as if my vocabulary is too limited. Any way to help me with that?

And semicolons. They're my worst nightmare. Anywhere I go to try and figure them out, I only end up getting confused.

And finally...

>implying I have an editor
I'm just a guy with dyslexia doing this on his own. This is literally my past-time.

Again, thank you so much. I've got the mind of a writer in terms of the way I think, however I can tell I severely lack the discipline of writing in good prose with better sentence structure.

>>29272460
>Also, I know reading and writing should help impress me,

I meant imrpove.

Clearly you can see that this is my true calling.

>>29271616

>>29272460
>>implying I have an editor
Sorry, I'm a Linux guy, when I said "editor" I meant text editor, the program you use to write, like Microsoft Word or Google Docs (though those are technically more than just word processors).

So I literally just bought an "SAT Vocabulary Builder" book and went through it in high school. It seemed to help a lot, since I got a perfect score on the Reading section.

But it can be even more helpful to read books that don't pull their punches on obscure words. You get to see words in context instead of just trying to cram them into your brain.
Two specific authors that stand out to me as having obnoxiously large vocabularies (but who still write good books) are China Mieville (Perdido Street Station, The Scar), and Gregory Maguire (Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West).

Legitimately, reading those three books with a dictionary by my side helped a lot. Yet they're also examples of just over the line on word use. You want varied and scintillating dialogue, not to stand over your reader and shit a thesaurus into their head.

>past-time
Psst. It's pastime. Abbreviation of "pass time", thing you do to pass the time. One of the most common word substitution errors out there though, so don't worry.

Whoa nelly

>>29274762
Fast board tonight