How would you go about killing a pony without any weapons?

>>29086503
I want to kill Fosgitt

>>29086503
>rape to death

>>29086503
I'd show her season 6 and the pony's heart would break, unable to support such abomination, killing her immediately.

>>29086503
Play the EQG movies

>>29086503
I dont want to hurt pony :'(

>>29086503
Choke them with my giant white cock.

>>29086529
>Giant white cock
Yeah sure

>>29086529
What better way to kill an imaginary pony than with an imaginary dick?

>>29086527
Hurting pone is not what I want. I just want a marshmallow to be my friend.

Fosgitt truly Is amazing at drawing abstract art. I can't even tell what I'm looking at! SERIOUSLY!

>>29086503
Would pone let me hump them?

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>>29086539
>>29086535
Says you!

muh diiiiiick

>>29086535
>>29086539
>>29086598
Why are we talking about Celestia's marecock?

>>29086503
I would boop them to death

>>29086607
cock vore is a good way without weapons

Bite thier throat

>You hold a length of string in your hand, waiting impatiently
>The leaves in the trees around you rustle in the gentle breeze, but the forest is otherwise silent.
>Not for much longer, though...
>You grin
>Soon it will be filled with the pained shouts of one particular, blue, pegasus.
>You tighten your grip on the string, imagining the immense pleasure you'll feel when your trap is sprung
>Any moment, Rainbow Cunt will come trundling along the forest path, practising her running for some Ponyville race or other
>But this practice will be a little more... /intense/ than usual!
>You chuckle to yourself
>For the last six hours, you've worked on an ingenious trap, to be sprung the moment blue bitch comes trotting along.
>A simple twitch of your hand will trigger everything. You could have made it automatic, a tripwire across the path, but that would lack the satisfaction of knowing it was completely you actions that lead to Rainbow Dash getting annihilated.
>The perfect trap. Pulling the string will release a series of sharpened stakes, tied to a wooden pole. They would swing out, stabbing Dainbow Rash (heh) full of more holes than a colander used as shooting practice.
>You'd had to borrow a book from the library to learn how to make a trap like this, but the minutes of research you'd bothered to do would surely pay off.
>The ground reverberates slightly
>Hoofbeats
>She's coming.
>Squatting in the bush, you pull the string taught... any minute now!
>Through the foliage, you catch a glimpse of an approaching blue pony
>Here she comes...
>You focus, letting all the anger and upset evaporate off
>She has this coming, and you've resolved to kill this mare. Those emotions won't do you any good right now. What you need is to be calm, professional, and ready to pull that string.
>Your heat pounds in your chest as Dash's hooves pound the dirt track
>Gritting your teeth, you steel your resolve
>Just like she stole your dignity...

>>29087241
>Ok, the steel/stole thing was a stretch, but you do want to reflect briefly on what Dash did to deserve to die.

~

>"Hey, Anon, mind if I have the last donut?"
"Yeah, I was saving that."
>"Oh, no problem, I'll nip out to the bakery and get some more"

~

>Bitch! How dare she ask for the last donut!
>You'd broke into her house specifically to steal it, and she didn't even have the decency to be upset about it!
>With a snarl, you yank the string, setting your deadly trap in motion.
>As the string tenses, you reflect that it's more than just a trap. It's a perfect device of revenge, the complicated machinations of the device matching those of your own devious mind.
>The string snaps, and some barely sharpened twigs swing slowly out of the bushes, into the path.
>You completely misjudged the timing, and Dash is still a good ten seconds or so away from being caught.
>The blunt stakes jiggle, and a couple drop sadly off the device, hitting the ground with a sad 'thu'. It's not even a full 'thud'.
>Shit
>Dash comes to a stop, staring at the harmless sticks of your trap
>Well, may as well continue with your plan. Even if it was already completely off the tracks.
>You leap from the bushes
"AHA!"
>The mare jumps a foot in the air, before recovering
>"Anon!? What the hell are you doing out here?"
"I'm here to get revenge! Remember the donuts!?"
>She stares at you blankly
>"No."
"Oh. You asked for the last one."
>"I don't have any idea what you're talking about."
>Dash still doesn't seem to have any idea what you're talking about
"The other day! I broke into your house to upset you, and I started eating your donuts!"
>She shrugs
>"I don't eat donuts."
"You do! I snuck past your dress showroom, and all the workrooms you have. And they were on a table in your kitchen!"
>She stares at you
>"Dresses?"
"YES!"
>Why isn't she remembering this?!"
"The dresses you make for a living!"
>"I..."
>She cocks her head
>"Have you confused me with Rarity again?"
>...
>Shit.

>>29087319
>You quickly rummage through your pockets, pulling out a notebook
>Why are ponies to hard to tell apart?
>Skipping through a few pages, you come to the 'Rainbow Dash' section
>You skim it
>It says she works as some kind of weather... thing.
>Shit
>Shit, shit, shit, shit.
>Shit.
"Shoot."
>Turning a few more pages, you come to Rarity's section
>Yep. She makes dresses.
>You snap the book shut
"You're right. I had you confused."
>Dash, who you guess you're not mad at now, glowers at you
>"How? We're not even the same colour!"
>She has a fair point, but you ignore it
"Look, sorry to have taken your time, that's my bad."
>It takes a big person to own up to their mistakes.
>And you're more than just a big person, you're a titan, a shining beacon of how one should live their life.
>Dash prods at one of the 'sharpened' stakes
>"What is this? A trap? Is-"
>She pulls herself to her full height, indignantly rounding on you
>"Is this a trap, Anon? Were you trying to kill me!?"
>You shrug
"Only because I had you confused with Rarity."
>She gasps
>"What the hell, Anon?"
"Hey, no harm no foul, right?"
>Her face indicates that, in this case, Dash is of the opinion 'no harm, you still attempted murder, no matter how obviously you failed, so definitely foul'.
>"Are you kidding me? What are you, some kind of psychopath?"
>You shake your head
"No way!"
>Well, probably not. Psychopaths can't feel emotions, right? Or was that sociopaths...
>Either way, you're not some psycho
"Look, let's just forget this happened and I'll make sure I don't accidentally try to kill you instead of Rarity again."
>"So you were trying to kill me!"
"Only because I thought you were Rarity."
>"But you were still trying to kill me with this trap!"
>Even you think she's being generous, as another couple of twigs fall off your 'trap'
"We can play word games all day, here, Dash. The important thing is that I didn't kill you."
>She shakes her head

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>>29086503
I've been staring at this image for ten minutes and i still can't figure out what the fuck I'm looking at.

>>29086503
You couldn't kill an ungulate with your bare hands. They could bite your neck, cut your stomach open with their hooves or really mash you up with the same hooves.

>>29087388
>"I'm totally reporting you to the cops. And I'm going to press charges, Anon."
>Shit.
>Now you're starting to wish you actually had killed this mare
>You don't want to get done for murder.
>You assume. You don't know much about the Equestrian legal system, maybe people who're charged with murder get paid a huge amount of money
>Dash spreads her wings to take to the sky, launching herself powerfully into the air.
>Unfortunately for her, the string you were holding to activate your trap has become wrapped around one of her hooves
>She gets maybe three meters in the air before it goes taught, jerking her down with a strangled yelp
>Veering off course, Dash ploughs head-first into a tree trunk with a sickening crunch, before tumbling down onto your trap, which breaks into pieces
"Uhhh..."
>She lies on the floor, completely still apart from a twitching back leg
>Squatting down like some eastern European, you take her pulse
>Nothing
>She's dead.
>You gasp
>Rainbow Dash is dead...
>You killed her...
"Halle-fucking-lujah!"
>You do a little dance
"In your face, you blue bitch! That'll teach you to try to report me to the cops for trying to murder you because I thought you were someone else!"
>You chuckle
>Looks like your trap worked after all!
>Well, she landed on it after she smashed her brains out against a tree, but you're going to count that as a win
>Taking out your notebook, you cross off Dash's name with a line
>Seems appropriate.
>Now. Time to kill the mare you were actually gunning for...
>You have a donut-related grievance to settle.

>>29087444
Kek

>>29087444
>Dash's leg still kicks a little.
>After completing your first murder, it's time to plan your second. Or, you suppose, replan your first.
>But... killing really takes it out of you. What time is it, 14:00?
>Perfect time, you think, for a nap.
>Yeah. You'll head home, have something to eat, nap, and then draw up a plan for a second killing.
>You're soon lying on your couch, dozing off.
>Soon, you're asleep...

>A voice calls to you from the inky blackness
>"Anon."
>You blink, confused
"Daddy?"
>"What? No, it's... no."
>The void, the pure darkness, reshapes itself, a figure emerging
>What looks like a skeletal pony, dressed in black rags, emerges from the void
>You narrow your eyes
"You sure?"
>It does look quite a lot like how you remember your dad
>"Anon. I am what you small-minded mortals would call a God. A God of death, of decay."
>You shrug
"Sure."
>"All ages, all withers, all dies."
>You nod
"Yep."
>"But these ponies, they do not understand the beauty of oblivion."
>Your eyes light up
>Bitching about ponies is one of your favourite pass times
"Oh, God, they're the worst. You know, this one pony, Rarity, she, like, she did this thing with her donuts where I took them but-"
>The God of Death silences you with a wave of its hoof
>Rude.
>"Anon, I witnessed what you took part in today."
>Shit!
"Look, that chipmunk knew what it was getting itself into, it was asking for it!"
>You'd swear you see the figure of the God shudder
>"Not the chipmunk thing, Anon. That was unholy, even by my standards. And it certainly wasn't asking for it."
"It wasn't!? Didn't you see what it was wearing!?"
>"It wasn't wearing anything, Anon."
>You nod
"Exactly. Saucy little thing."
>"I'm talking about the murder."
>...
"Oh, that."
>You shrug
"Yeah, almost forgot I killed that, uh..."
>You're pretty sure it was... Fluttershy?
"...pony."
>You hope the God knows who, because you've already forgotten.
>Why are ponies so hard to tell apart!?

>>29087554
>"The element of loyalty, Rainbow Dash, dead by your hand."
>Rainbow Dash, that was it.
>The blue one.
"Yep."
>"And now you plot to take the life of another."
"Yeah, Rarity. Like I was saying, I broke into her house, and there were these donuts and-"
>"Yes, yes."
>Double rude.
>"Listen, I'll cut to the chase here, Anon, since you don't seem like someone concerned with ceremony. I want you to be my Avatar of Death."
>You nod
"Sounds pretty fucking rad."
>The two of you stand in silence for a moment
>"You don't want to know what that means?"
"Ehhhh..."
>You don't really care. This is obviously a dream, anyway
"Nah."
>"I... But..."
>The God of Death recovers its composure
>"I will grant you power, and with every life you take, your power will grow."
"Heh, cool."
>You said you didn't want to know, but that does sound pretty rad.
>Pretty metal, actually.
>Yeah! This whole scene would make a good cover for a metal album.
>Not that you were into that sort of music.
>You were a staunch K-Pop man.
>"However, the ultimate weight will also be on your shoulders... you will decide who will live or die, and the consequences of that will rest heavy on your conscious."
>You doubt it
"Sure. Are you a lady by the way?"
>"I'm the representation of a God of an abstract idea."
>That's not a no
"Well, I'm totally down to bump nasties, if you're-"
>"Walk in the shadow of death, my Avatar!"
>Looks like the God of Death wants to get rid of you in a hurry
>The blackness around you seems to suddenly burn with light, and you jerk awake.

>You groan, your dream vivid in your head.
>There's a stinging sensation from the back of your left hand, and you glance down to see an intricate swirl of darkness spreading on it, burning as it does
>Shit!
>Eventually the stinging stops, and the pattern stands still
>Guess it wasn't a dream after all.
>You scratch your arse
>Guess you're the Avatar of Death.
>Cool.

>>29087609
Can continue this tomorrow, if anyone's interested

>>29087671
Please do m8

>>29087394
That's alright, the idiot who drew it had no idea what was going on either.

>>29087671
Yes

>>29086512
His would you go about killing a Fosgitt without any weapons?

>>29086503

I would kill glimmer based on pure hard dicking

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>>29087671
Continue plz

>>29087609
>You kneel at the altar in your sanctum, praying to your new God
>It's a pretty spiffy sanctum, actually. Your basement was always slightly creepy, but you'd spent a good ten minutes turning it into a proper deathcult-worthy worship area
>Well...
>Ok, even for you, that's an exaggeration. You piled some boxes of out-of-date fireworks (you'd 'acquired' them for a side-hustle that never really played out) into an altar sized pile, and put some candles on top.
>Not creepy candles set in skulls, dribbling red wax as they sputtered and smoked. You didn't have any of those.
>No, on your altar sat a couple of Yankee candles. One was 'Yuletide Festival, the other was 'Cinnamon and Hopscotch', whatever those smells were supposed to be.
>Having candles on top of a pile of fireworks seems unsafe, but it's the kind of thing a death cult would do, you suppose
>You didn't have any black or red robes, so instead you're wearing your navy dressing gown.
>By the time you had this set up, you'd already put in way more effort that you could be bothered to, yet it still felt like something was missing. Most of these cult places have some kind of arcane tome of knowledge, a dark book bound in thick leather.
>A book like that on your altar would really sell the whole look.
>You didn't have a book like that lying around, so instead you used the heftiest book you could find in the thirty seconds you bothered looking. The Oxford English Dictionary.
>Heh, first time you saw that book, you shat bricks
>Not a single pony pun at all! That was rare enough that you bought it on the spot. Joke was on you, though, since it turns out Oxford is inhabited by sentient oxen.
>At least the book had come in handy.
>You kneel at the altar, and say some prayers
"Oh God of Darkness, hear my prayer..."
>You're not really sure where to go from there, so you wing it
"... please let the Manehattan Broncos win the league this year. And I'd like some new shoes. The End"
>Shit
"I mean, Amen."

>>29089666
Ok

>>29086503

I'd try with my dick. It probably wouldn't work but whatever, I'd just keep trying.

>>29089676
>There's a sudden pressure in the room, a sense of presence sending tingles down your spine
>A faint voice, that could easily be mistaken for the creaking of your house, calls to you from the surrounding dark
>"Anon... what the fuck are you doing?"
>Wow, rude.
"I'm praying. To you, the God of Death."
>"That wasn't... it's been two weeks, Anon!"
>You shrug
"Yeah, I've been setting this up."
>You gesture around the cramped sanctum
>"For two weeks?"
"I took a little vacation from the 'Avatar of Death' thing, you know? A sabbatical."
>"I thought you wanted to murder that mare for the donuts thing. You haven't even been plotting!"
>You scratch your head
"The donut thing? Oh! Fuck! I can't believe I forgot!"
>Whelp, now you feel silly.
>Kneeling before the altar, you make a dark promise
"Oh God of Darkness, hear my oath..."
>"I'm right here, you can just-"
"For their part in the great donut-fiasco of '08, I will bring you the soul of..."
>Shit.
>You can't remember which one of the damn horses it was that wronged you
"Pinkie Pie."
>Gotta be her, right?
"I think we can both agree, she knows A LOT about donuts, haha, maybe a /deadly/ amount!"
>You wink into the darkness with a grin, but are met with silence
"Because she's fat."
>You'd swear you hear the God of Death sigh
"And that's bad for your health."
>"Go kill someone, Anon. Or go outside, or something. Just... get out of the house"
>You bow low
"As my God desires..."

>>29089719
too fucking great.. please continue.

bumb for more green

>>29086503
Poisen her tea, You said no weapons but you never said not using tools at all

>>29089719
>You stand in the bustling bakery, scoping the place out
>Pinkie's behind the counter, serving customers in her classic maternal way, her blue coat...
>Hold on.
>Flicking through your notebook, you confirm that that isn't actually Pinkie.
>It's 'cake mare'. Obviously not someone important enough to deserve having their name remembered
>Still, good to know. You don't want to kill (or be loosely involved in) the death of the wrong pony again. You'll get the right one this time.
>Looks like the bakery's doing a good trade.
>That gives you an idea! Maybe you could break in and steal their cash.
>Hmmm
>And then... something, something, kill Pinkie.
>You'll work out the finer points later.
>Ignoring a long line of hungry, patient ponies, you sidle up to the counter
"Hey."
>Cake Mare smiles at you
>"Hello, Anon. I'm afraid you'll need to join the line if you-"
"Do you lock your doors at night?"
>No need to beat around the bush here. Ponies are idiots.
>Her eyes narrow
>"Why are you asking?"
"I'm... Thinking of become a lock salesman. But I want to find out if it's worth it, you know. If there's a market for it."
>"Oh, OK."
>She brightens up instantly
>"We don't have locks, there's no need! Ponyville is the safest place in Equestria."
>You chuckle evilly
>She beams at you
>"Sorry, Anon, but I don't think many ponies here would buy locks."
>You chuckle again
"Perfect."
>You maintain eye contact with Cake Mare as you back out of the bakery, still laughing
>This is going to be the perfect murder. You just need a method, alibi, weapon, a means to dispose of the body and maybe a ski mask. But other than those minor details, which you'll hash out on the night, everything's in place.
>No need to put it off any longer.
>Tomorrow, you'll kill Pinkie Pie.

>>29086503
Beat them to death with my bear hands.

I'd snuggle them to death.

>>29086503
I'll get Fosgitt to draw them. They'll be so mutilated they'll kill themselves.

>>29086503
Humans are grapplers.

Make like a kangaroo and choke a bitch.

>>29089854
Will continue this tomorrow, if the thread's still up

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They explode if you boop them hard enough.

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I want to boop this pony

>>29086503
Blood choke, your body doesn't react like it does for an air choke. They would think it was a tight hug and after a couple seconds everything just gets dark.
About a minute and they aren't waking back up,making it much faster than traditional strangulation.

>>29091877
what

>>29092148
A blood choke is where you squeeze the sides of the neck to cut off the blood flow to the brain while allowing the victim to breath.

When you can't breath your body panics and pumps you full a adrenaline.
Cutting off blood flow prevents blood and oxygen to the brain causing unconsciousness in about 10 seconds, permanent damage in 20-30 seconds, and severe brain damage/ death in 1-2 minutes.

>>29092198
I was imagining something much more metal.

>>29092212
It's isn't very brutal, but it's efficient and Ponies who aren't familiar with killing would assume it is a strange hug if you're doing the right kind of blood choke

>>29091849
Are you going to make a pastebin for this?

>>29092517
If I don't manage to post any more, probably not. If I get another couple of posts done, then I will. I've got enough unfinished pastes already, don't want to start adding even more!

>>29086503
what the fuck is this shit. what even is this anatomy?

>>29092954

It's an abstract kind of pone.

>>29092954
It doesn't help that the coloring fucked up and made parts of her hair look like legs.

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>>29089719
>A faint voice, that could easily be mistaken for the creaking of your house, calls to you from the surrounding dark
>"Anon... what the fuck are you doing?"
>Wow, rude.

Keep it up anon, this is gold.

>>29086503
Killing a pony that doesn't have any weapons doesn't sound very sporting.

>>29089854
>It's a light night, the moon hanging bloated and heavy in the sky. Unseen bird call, hidden insects chirp.
>You creep through the streets of Ponyville, being careful not to make a sound.
>Arriving at the bakery where Pinkie works, you let yourself in
>Heh, stupid horses and their lack of locks.
>There's nothing standing between you and the crime you came here to commit...
>Theft.
>Oh, and also murder.
>But mainly theft.
>With glee, you set about stuffing a sack full of cash from the register, as well as nabbing a few buns.
>They're stale, but eh. Thieving makes you hungry.
>Soon, you're happy you've looted the place thoroughly.
>This is brilliant. You should have become a career criminal sooner! No locks, they keep the cash in their shops overnight...
>Putting the sack down by the door, you pull out your weapon of choice.
>A snooker ball in a sock, a truly terrifying weapon.
>Pinkie deserves to die. She crossed you, and you can't allow that.
>You'll have your revenge for the donut thing.
>Creeping up the stairs at the back of the bakery, you reach a landing.
>There are several closed doors.
>Hmmmmm.
>You hadn't really thought this through.
>To be perfectly honest, you weren't even 100% sure Pinkie lived here. You'd forgot to ask. Eh, you'll open doors and if she lives somewhere else, you can deal with that later.
>You take a moment to examine the doors in the dim light
>Two are plain doors, one is covered with cutesy pictures like you might put on a nursery, and the final one is pink, covered in glitter, has balloons sellotaped to it and has "PINKIE'S PARTY ROOM, YAY!" written on it.
>Your hand hovers over that door's handle
>Hmmmm
>You narrow your eyes.
>This seems too easy.
>A trap?

>>29086503
You fuck one and stay in a monogamous relationship with it until it dies of old age

>>29086503
>teleport behind pony
>use shapeshifting powers to turn arms into large blades
>slice pony's neck so cleanly that the head stays on for a few seconds before slowly sliding off
>"hmm, I expected you'd put up a fight"

>>29096065
>What kind of adult has a door like this? It's embarrassing.
>No.
>You know what's going on. Pinkie's anticipated a retaliatory attack after the donut fiasco, and she's set up a trap for you.
>You stifle a chuckle
>It's gonna take more than that to catch out an Avatar of Death!
>For a moment, you think about ignoring the door, but decide against it.
>It'd be rude to not at least see what kooky trap she's set up
>Probably something lame and party-related, like one of her shitty pranks.
>You grin evilly
>You have a prank for her...
>Murder!
>With that, you throw her door open
>You freeze
>Pinkie's standing on a stool, noose loose around her neck, tears streaming down her cheeks.
>Was she about to hang herself!?
>That's fucking dark.
>With shaking hooves, she's removing the noose. Looks like she had a last-minute change of heart. She doesn't seem to have noticed you
>Well, now you just feel sorry for her.
>Unless...
>Crafty bitch! This is the trap! She wants you to feel sorry for her so you don't murder her!
>And you almost played right into it.
>No one makes a sucker out of Anon!
"Surprise, muthafucka!"
>Pinkie gives a yelp, twisting to face you
>In her surprise, she over-balances, the stool wobbling beneath her. For a moment, it looks like she's stable, but then her hooves slips out from under her and she falls, the noose tightening
>There's a snapping noise, and she hangs limp
>Aha!
>Caught in her own trap!
>There's a delicious irony to it.
>A shiver runs down your spine, the marking on your left hand throbs.
>Oh, what had the God of Death said? Every kill would make you more powerful or something?
>"Yes, every death will bring you more strength."
>You give a strangled yelp, spinning to face the corner of the room the voice came from
>The shadows deepen in that place until they're pitch black, and you get the uncomfortable sense you're being watched.
>Bastard! He made you jump.

>>29096164
"Look, God of Death, do you really think now's the time to pop out at me?"
>"Another pony lies dead by your hand, my Avatar, and-"
"No, stop! How am I going to do more murders if you're going to jump out like that?"
>There's a moment of silence
>"I thought it would be a good time to catch up."
"Yeah, but we're at the crime scene. Someone could walk in at any minute."
>"I know, but-"
"This is really stupid. What do you have to say that it's so important you couldn't wait until I get home?"
>"I can't often talk, I have little power in this world. Only around death can I breach the veil fully and manifest, to talk to you. Only around death can I-"
"What about my dreams?"
>You get the impression that whatever is in that shadowed corner, whatever unholy abomination the God of Death has created to channel itself, shuffles uncomfortably.
>"Dreams exist in the space between reality and the Void, a place where-"
"And what about the sanctuary I built? You talked to me there."
>"OK, in a proper sanctuary I would be able to manifest, but your isn't a proper sanctuary. No blood sacrifice, no runic inscriptions. I mean, yours isn't really a sanctuary for death, it's really just a basement."
>Ouch. You put a lot of effort into that!
>Well, you put effort into that.
>OK. You /thought/ about putting effort into it. But still!
"If it's not a proper sanctuary, why could you talk to me there?"
>"There was a dead rat behind some of the boxes."
>Oh, shit
"Yeah... I put it there on purpose."
>"It's been dead for four years."
>You wave a hand dismissively
"I plan ahead. Now, Death, if you'll excuse me, I need to get away from this crime scene. I'll pencil you in for a 09:30 tomorrow morning."
>There's a dejected sigh from the corner
>"Fine."
>You hear some indistinct muttering as the shadows recede, the pitch blackness of the corner giving way to a more regular darkness.
>The sense of presence in the room leaves, and it's only you and a corpse again.
>Just how you like it.

>>29096258
>You told the God of Death a bit of a fib. You're not really going to flee the crime scene yet.
>First, you're going to go through Pinkie's draws for anything valuable.
>It takes a couple of minutes, and you don't find much that's worth anything. Just a few bits lying around.
>Shame.
>You squeeze past Pinkie's swinging body to check her desk
>Maybe she had a couple of bricks of gold bullion out before she tried to prank/trick you
>Nah.
>Though there is a suicide note.
>Jesus, she really committed to this.
>You pick it up and give it a skim.
>It's two pages long, you're not reading all that.
>Blah blah wants her friends not to blame themselves, blah blah love and support, blah blah struggling with depression, blah blah loss of Rainbow Dash who was her secret lover, blah blah-
>Wait, what?
>Yep, her note says she was lesbians with RD.
>Who you murdered.
>Huh. You forgot your actions have an impact on the world, and that they influence it in subtle ways.
>Whatever.
>This 'suicide note' will make a nice souvenir. You stuff it into a pocket
>A bolt of genius strikes you, and you grab a sheet of paper and a pen
>It may be a prank gone wrong, but you're going to make it look like a suicide!
>Now, you had thought about just leaving the original note, since it sounded believable and Pinkie herself wrote it, but you thought of a better idea.
>You'd use the suicide note to frame Pinkie for the theft you just did!
>You softly dictate as you write.
"I stole money from the shop and used it to buy pies. I'm addicted to pies because I'm fat. And dumb."
>Hmmmm
>Almost perfect
>You add a little more
"Also, I feel guilty because I ate all the pies. When people ask 'who ate all the pies?' I cry inside because it was me."
>There.
>No.
"I'm also killing myself because I realised unicorns are the master race and earth ponies are shit. Pinkie out *drops mic"
>There.
>You scrutinise the new note, before nodding to yourself
>Leaving it on the desk, you sneak away into the night...

>>29096655
Please, for the love of God, continue.

>>29086503
Kindness

>>29086535
>>29086539
t. sad nerds who fap to interracial cuckolding

>>29096655
>Back home, you pour yourself a well-deserved Anon Special.
>It's a cocktail of your own devising. Fill a tumbler with medicinal spirits. Garnish with a lemon. Cry while you drink it.
>That last part is incredibly easy to do when you're just drinking straight up alcohol.
>You congratulate yourself on another flawless murder.
>More than that, though, you've finally taken your revenge on the pony who was responsible for the whole donuts thing.
>Opening your notebook, you flip through to Pinkie's page
>You cross the name out with some relish.
>Idly flicking through the rest of the book, you stop when you come to a bright red star
>It's next to Rarity
>Odd, you must have put that there to remind you of something. But what?
>You read the entry
"Dressmaker... white, purple hair... prissy bitch..."
>You go cold
"No..."
>Yes.
>At the bottom, written all in caps, underlined:
"Rarity's the one who did the donut thing. Don't get her confused with another pony again."
>You sigh
>So. Pinkie wasn't actually the pony who did the donut thing.
>Well, fuck.
>You really should have checked before you went to kill her.
>Not only that, but you suppose her suicide 'hoax' was actually real, since she'd have no idea you would be coming for her.
>Double fuck
>You take a gulp of your Anon Special.
>Looks like you're going to have to do YET ANOTHER murder.
>At least you made a couple of hundred bits from the last one.
>Heck, you could have a career in this. If every kill makes you more powerful, it would get even easier that it already is.
>Hmmm.
>Maybe this won't be so bad, after all.
>But before you can treat this like a business, you have to take care of business.
>PERSONAL business.
>That didn't sound as clever as you thought it would. Whatever.
>Rarity has to die.
>And this time, you'll get the right pony for sure.
>...
>You hope.

>>29097886
That's all for today. Pastebin here:
http://pastebin.com/QDbJLy08

I won't have the chance to past it all in there until tomorrow, but that's where it'll be. I'll continue this tomorrow if the thread's still up. Feedback appreciated.

>>29097891
Godspeed you magnificent bastard

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>>29097891
This stuff is fuckin gold
You made my evening, anon

>>29097891
>It was PeteQ all along
But of course! How did I nit recognize the comedic genius?

>>29086503
Strangulation. We have hands for a reason.

>>29089220
Fuck him into oblivion...

I would never kill a pony.

Kill them with love/break their neck

>>29086503
Are they immune to poison?
Because I vote poison.

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>>29086503
this is how i would go about killing a pony without any weapons

>>29086503
THE HEART, OP. FIRST YOU ATTACK THE HEART.

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>>29091864

>>29101533
https://youtu.be/lYceaQRzBEo?t=89

>>29097886
>You wake up with a throbbing headache
>Four Anon Specials will do that to you
>Though this does give you an idea.
>You're going to kill Rarity with a poisonous donut.
>There's a delicious irony to it. She's the one who humiliated you with the whole donut thing, anyone.
>Not only will there be a delicious irony, there'll also be a delicious...ness to the donuts!
>Or something. You'll work on a little pun to do when she dies. Like a Bond villain.
>Poison isn't your area of expertise, so you'll have to go to the library to research it.
>Stretching, you try to ignore the hammering in your head. Your stomach feels so bad, unsettled is an understatement. It's so unsettled, it's like a nomadic tribe, travelling between the great steppes of queasy and the ancient forest of 'Oh God Kill Me'.
>Which reminds you... before you can research this poison business, you have your 09:30 meeting with the God of Death
>You yawn, glancing at your clock.
>13:47
>...
>Fuck.

>After a speedy shit, shower, shave, breakfast, post-breakfast snooze, lunch, post-lunch walk, afternoon nap and quick drink, you make your way with all possible haste to your sanctum
>The atmosphere is... frosty, to say the least
>You clear your throat
"O, great and powerful-"
>"Where the fuck have you been?"
>You wince
>Looks like the God of Death's going to be a little bitch about this
"I've been busy."
>"Oh, have you?"
>A figure forms from the shadows, writhing and coiling to become...
>A black mare appears, her face covered in that Day of the Dead skeleton facepaint. Shadows coil and flicker around her
>She stomps a hoof
>"What've you been doing that's so important?"
>Her face scrunches up in annoyance
"Ok, first, you're adorable."
>That makes the God of Death even more mad
"Second, I've been plotting another one of those murders you're so keen on."
>Not technically a lie. It seems to placate her(?) a bit. Time to ham this up

>>29101869
"I didn't want to come here without another plan. I wouldn't want to let my God of Death down"
>You give a low, sweeping bow
>The atmosphere in the room relaxes slightly
>"Very well. Your hard work is appreciated, but heed my words, Avatar of Death."
>You struggle to keep a straight face at 'hard work'
>"Work on your timekeeping skills."
>You nod solemnly
>"They're important, not just in this line of work, not just in any career you may end up in, but they're even useful in everyday life."
>Again, you nod
>"Remember, no one likes that friend who's always late."
"Yeah."
>You nod enthusiastically this time, even though you know damn well you're that guy.
>"Well, my Avatar. Tell me of your new plot."
>Again, you bow low
"I will take the life of the mare known as Rarity, my God. I will poison her."
>A smile creeps onto the mare's face
>"Poison. A most devious method, Anon. Which of the myriad toxins and venoms will you use to end her?"
>You shrug
"I haven't looked it up yet."
>The God of Death stares at you
>"What? You said you had a plan!"
"Yeah, I'm going to poison her."
>The mare grits her teeth
>"That's not a plan."
"Yeah, sure it is. It's a good one, too."
>"So you're eight hours late to the meeting /you/ insisted on having, and the great plan you came up with in that time was 'poison her'?"
>You nod
"Yeah."
>"It took you eight hours to think that up?"
"Oh, God no. I mean, You, no. I only thought about it once or twice in that time."
>There's a moment of heavy silence
>"Once or twice?"
"Once."
>The mare, the embodiment of Death itself, holds a hoof to its face
>"You know what, Anon? I'm not even angry. Just disappointed."

>>29086503
Is a gun a weapon?
Cause id use a gun.

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>>29101869
>>29102034
kekeroni

>>29102034
>Ouch
"Hey, it's a good plan!"
>"I was going to congratulate you on your kill from last night, and explain how your new powers work, but you've obviously got such a good plan you don't need to hear it."
>Damn!
>You want to know what your new powers are!
"Look, I was hungover!"
>"You were hungover?"
"Yes!"
>The God of Death shakes its head
>"I don't want you to poison yourself, Anon, I want you to poison other things!"
>Aw. She's too sweet.
>"From now on, no heavy drinking."
"What!?"
>"I mean it! Drink responsibly."
"But I want to poison myself!"
>Your protests fall on deaf ears
>Or should that be...
>Death ears?
>You mentally hi-five yourself
>"How would it look to the other Gods if my Avatar drinks himself into the grave?"
>Wait...
"Other Gods?"
>The mare opens her mouth, then closes it again. She looks sheepish for a moment, before her face furrows back up in anger
>"Don't try and change the subject, Anon! You know what? Come back here with either a proper plan, with another murder under your belt or with an apology. Or don't come back at all!"
>With that, the mare melts into shadows, the chilly atmosphere warming as her presence leaves
>As it does, a faint voice, weak as the rustling of dead leaves, echoes around you
>"Bastard..."
>You mutter some naughty words in retaliation.
>Normally you'd have shouted them, but you don't want to antagonise the God of Death.
>Or, you don't want to antagonise her /too much/. A little never hurts.
>Still, she (it?) seemed pretty mad. You should make it up to her.
>Apologising (obviously the right thing to do, and also the easiest) isn't really something you do.
>Maybe instead of coming back with just a plan or murder, you could come back with multiple murders!
>You stand in your basement for a moment or two more, then shrug.
>Time to go to the library and research poison.

>>29096098
That's my preferred method.

>>29102977
>You forgot how much libraries suck.
>Before ending up in Equestria (who knew all it took to open an interdimentional portal to pony land was a few squirrels, a car battery, some sticks and a pack of cards?), you hadn't set foot in a library for decades.
>They were a nice idea, in theory, but in practise they were like a shit version of the internet that smells like old people and books. Also, they tend to be strictly against nudity.
>The same was almost true in Equestria. Without any internet, books were the only way to learn anything.
>What a truly barbaric time to be alive.
>It takes a few minutes of browsing the books before you realise you have no idea how libraries. You're pretty sure they use something called the Dewey Decimal system, but what that actually means is a mystery.
>Thankfully, a certain purple mare notices the confused look on your face, and the loud cursing you're doing
"Fuck books!"
>"Anon, what's wrong?"
"Oh, hey Twilight. I'm looking for books, but I can't find them among all these stupid books."
>You wave a hand around the library
>"Oh... do you want help?"
>You nod
>Obviously you-
>Hold on. Twilight doesn't seem herself. Normally when you cuss books, she gets angry and makes you take it back.
>Today she looks... sad. Not just sad, she looks miserable, her eyes red and puffy. Her voice, too, was hoarse and her words slow.
"I do, but is something wrong, Twilight?"
>She sniffs, blinking back tears
>"Oh, it's terrible, Anon! Just terrible!"
>She burst into tears
>Damned overly emotional mares. She probably lost her favourite shoes or something
"There, there."
>You don't pat her or actually do anything comforting. You just say 'there, there'.
"You know what makes me feel better when I'm down? Repressing the hurt and pain and getting on with my life, filling the days with drugs and petty distractions."
>You smile warmly at her
"Doesn't that sound good?"
>She nods uncertainly.

>>29103523
Pastebin now updated here:
http://pastebin.com/QDbJLy08

Not sure I'll get the chance to post anything else tonight, but if not, I'll be back tomorrow. If the thread dies, I'll continue this in the AiE thread, with the name '2EdgyStory'. But I'd rather not

>>29086503
Tell her friendship ISN'T magic.

>>29103541
He going to poison her with vodka that is made out of potatoes?

Potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant and peppers are from nightshade family and poisonous to hoerses.

>>29103673
Isn't alcohol toxic to equines?

>>29104544
Alcohol is toxic to everything,humans included, it's how much it takes to kill it that is important

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>>29103541
>If the thread dies, I'll continue this in the AiE thread

For the love of god keep this thread alive, I daren't step a foot in that thread.

>>29104638
Bed time bump

>>29086503
>rape
to death

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>>29104638
bump for keks.

>>29087609
>You were a staunch K-Pop man.

well it was a fun read while it lasted....

>>29105985

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Redrum

>>29103523
"That's right. Now, here's a distraction for you: help me find the books I'm looking for. How does that sound?"
>Twilight sniffs
>"I don't know, Anon, it seems unhealthy to deal with loss by-"
>Loss. So it probably is a pair of shoes.
"Ah, ah! It's unhealthy to just ignore your feelings, but it's a lot easier."
>You smile reassuringly
"Now, I'm looking for books on poison. Where would they be?"
>A little hesitantly, Twilight takes you to the poison section.
>Well, it's not much of a section. It's, like, four books
"Is this it?"
>She nods, weakly
>"It is."
>Lame.
>You sigh theatrically, waving a hand
"It'll do."
>You grab one, and open it
>Twilight stands there, staring vacantly into the distance for a moment or two.
>As you read the table of contents, her face crunches up in confusion
>"Wait, why do you want to read books on poison?"
>Luckily, you'd anticipated her being suspicious, so you prepared a fool-proof cover story
"I don't want to accidentally poison anyone."
>Narrowing her eyes, she cocks her head
>"What?"
"You know, different biologies. Humans eat all sorts of things, and the last thing I want to do is accidentally poison a house guest."
>"Anon, you never have guests."
"A man can dream. I have no idea what ponies eat. Is rice poisonous to you? What about apples? Or sugar? Or... potassium cyanide?"
>Twilight blinks
>"Is potassium cyanide not poisonous to humans?"
"Oh, it's deadly. But maybe you guys eat it like salt here... is salt poisonous?"
>Turning your attention from the book to Twilight, you lean in eagerly
>If salt is poisonous, that would make things super easy for you.
>"No, Anon, salt isn't poisonous."

>>29086516
We have a winner

>>29108775
Rip twilight

>>29108775
>With a dejected sigh, you resume your perusal of the book
"That's a shame."
>It would have been super easy if it was.
>Makes sense, though. They sell salt in their shops, which would be weird if it was deadly.
>Twilight's brow raises in surprise
>"It's a shame that salt's not poisonous?"
>Uhhh...
"Yeah. It's unhealthy to eat too much. If it was super poisonous, people would be... healthier. Or something."
>Twilight hums, unconvinced
>"Well... I'll leave you to it."
>She shuffles off, sadly, leaving you to your research
>Poor Twi. Whatever it is that's getting her down, you're sure she'll get over it.
>Not like it's going to kill her.
>Time to hit the books, to get your head down for a few hours and pull out some serious research!

>A good ten minutes later, and you're bored with the research.
>Books are lame and for nerds.
>Not for the first time in your life, you turn to TV for the solution to a problem.
>Breaking Bad.
>Great show, you really liked that Aaron Ron Paul, or whoever.
>You have perfect recall of the show, and you can use that knowledge to make some poison.
>In the show, meth guy wants to poison someone for some reason. You forget why, exactly. But he gets the poison from beans. He grinds them, or mashes them or something and then... there's a powder? Which is poisonous?
>Hmmm, maybe 'perfect recall' was an exaggeration.
>But still!
>Get some poison from some beans, feed it to Rarity. After a day or two, she'll be taken ill suddenly and no one but you will know why.
>The perfect crime. Just like the other two you already did.
>On the way home, you'll buy some beans to process. Then it's a simple matter of spiking some donuts and giving them to Rarity.
>You leave the books out, and walk past a still-upset Twilight
>She waves you out, then calls out
>"Hey, Anon? Aren't you going to put your books away?"
>You smile
"No."
>With that, you leave the library.

>>29109022
This is the anon i love.


The dumb idiot asshole

>>29109022
>A few hours later, you carefully transfer half a teaspoon of gunk into a glass vial
>This is your poison, carefully derived from the haricot beans you bought on the way home.
>It's called 'ricin', but you don't know its chemical name, or how much is fatal. In the show, you think they used five or six beans. You went for seven to be safe.
>You only really remember it's called 'ricin' because you remember thinking they should have made a joke about 'ricin beans', or something. They're clever writers, it shocked you that they didn't.
>Whatever. You have your poison. It's getting late. Your alcohol isn't going to drink itself.
>With a yawn, you pour yourself out an Anon Special.
>You'll poison Rarity tomorrow.

>Waking up with the usual mix of hangover and residual inebriation, you get yourself ready for a big day. The day you finally get revenge for the donunts thing.
>Slipping the vial of poison into your pocket, you make your way to the bakery.
>You'll pick up a donut, put the poison inside then take it to Rarity.
>She'll eat it and, a few days later, she'll die.
>That's the plan, at least. Things start to fall apart as soon as you arrive at the bakery. Which is closed.
>It seems odd, this late in the day.
>You peer through the windows into the dark shop, the counters empty and free of sugary goods.
>It takes you a moment to notice the sign they've put up in the window.
>Apparently the Cake family has closed the shop for an indefinite amount of time until they get over a sudden, unexpected personal matter.
>Gee, wonder what the could be.
>Well, fuck. Maybe you can just bake a donut?
>...
>Even you know that's a terrible idea.
>After the Souffle Incident, you're now legally required to let the fire department know if you're going to bake anything, so they can be on standby.
>With no idea how long it'll be before the bakery reopens, you'll have to find something else to put the poison in, which is a shame.
>Donuts would have been perfect.

>>29109217
Doesn't look like I'll get the chance to write any more today, so pastebin updated here:
http://pastebin.com/QDbJLy08

I have more time to write tomorrow, so I'll have more to post. Anon's roaring rampage of revenge will continue with the death of Rarity, plus one surprise murder.

>>29109235
I bet it's Twiggles. She's too smart for her own good.

>>29109235
Cant wait mang, story is fun

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>page nine

>>29110736
Bump

Easiest way to kill a pony is with kindness

>>29109217
>After another couple of seconds of thought, you hear hooves coming up behind you
>"Anon, darling! Fancy seeing you here."
>Oh God, just your bloody luck.
>You know who it is from the voice alone.
"Rarity."
>Just your luck.
>Turning, you do your best to give her a friendly smile
>It's not convincing.
"Hi."
>Outwardly, Rarity looks like her usual self, but...
>Well, it's hard to put your finger on. Her smile doesn't seem quite as genuine as the other times you've met her. As she walks towards you, her movements seems a little slower, too, like she's not feeling very energetic
>Upset about the murders?
>Well, she probably thinks of them as tragic accidents.
>At her sides, there's a pair of those bag-things the ponies wear to carry shit. They look pretty full.
>"How have you been, Anon?"
>You shrug
"Not bad."
>The two of you stand in silence for a moment, Rarity shifting her weight uncomfortably
>"Glad to hear it. Now, I must get home, I'm afraid, but perhaps we could walk and talk? It'd be lovely to catch up."
>This could be a good chance to get some intel
"Of course! It feels like such a long time since we last had the chance to chat!"
>With that, the two of you begin the walk to Rarity's shop/house
>"So, Anon, how's your-"
"What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
>Sneakily, you ready your notebook and pencil
>Through subtle questions, you'll work out how best to poison her, and what other methods might be worth considering if the poison fails.
>Rarity seems uncertain for a moment
>"Well, I have at times been known to get caught up in my work. I can become very enthusiastic-"
>No, no, no
"I mean physical weakness. Like if someone was trying to kill you."
>You look at her eagerly, pencil poised
>After a couple of seconds of walking in silence, Rarity frowns
>"I don't really know, Anon."
>Damn
>You write 'no known weaknesses' on your Rarity page.
>This might be harder than you expected...

>>29113900
Checked and keked

>>29113900
Rarity is unstoppable

>>29113900
>When you arrive at Rarity's house, you're still no closer to having worked out how to kill her.
>Which is a shame. You really want to kill her.
>You'll have to head home and find something in your cupboard to poison for her.
>So long as she eats stale bread or drinks medicinal alcohol, that should be fine.
>Because those are literally the only things you have in your kitchen.
>Before you can say farewell, though, Rarity smiles politely
>"Anon, I'm having a friend over for tea. Why don't you come in and join us?"
>You're instantly suspicious
>Rarity doesn't like you. Or at least she shouldn't. You've always done your best to be rude to her
"Suuure."
>You narrow your eyes as you draw out the word, scrutinising her.
>Whatever her reasons for inviting you, if she's going to be having tea, you could try to poison her now.
>"Marvellous!"
>She ushers you inside and sits you at a table
>"Let me set out some refreshments, put my shopping away and I'll join you as soon as I can!"
>While she bustles around, you keep your eyes peeled for anything that could be a threat
>If Rarity's suspicions were roused by your subtle questions earlier, she may have started to suspect you for the murders.
>Who knows what she might do to you if she's fearing for her life? It's a scary thought.
>She puts out some crockery, a teapot. A tray of cakes. She sets the table for three, while you sit there.
>"... and I heard Brilliant Lance and Nectar Swirl are both spending rather a lot of time ..."
>You nod along vaguely to Rarity's gossip
>Jesus, is she trying to distract you, or just outright bore you to death?
>While she's talking, Rarity steps toward you, something silvery glinting in her magical aura thing.
>Shit! A knife?!
"AHA!"
>You jump to your feet, heart pounding as you point at the... teaspoon Rarity's holding
>She blinks in surprise
>"Something the matter, Anon?"

>>29114247
>...
>Maybe you're a little /too/ on edge.
"I just remembered a good joke."
>Rarity gently puts the spoon down next to your teacup
>"Oh?"
"Yeah."
>You sit down again
>Damn, that was close. If you weren't so good at thinking on your feet, you could have seriously been caught out there.
>Rarity's looking at you, expectantly
>"Are you going to tell me the joke?"
>You wave a hand
"It's not suitable. It's actually really offensive."
>"It... it would be offensive to me?"
>You rub your chin
"I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't be offended by it. /I/ was offended, and I don't give a fuck about anything."
>There's an uncomfortable silence before Rarity continues setting the table
>"Well, as I was saying, Nectar Swirl is supposed to be-"
>And it's back to the gossip.
>You tune it out, and wonder how much longer you'll have to suffer through this.
>"Well, the table's set. Help yourself to tea, Anon, I've just got to put a few things away in the kitchen."
>Not long, apparently.
>With that, Rarity bustles off
>Pouring yourself a cup of tea, you realise she's given you the perfect opportunity to kill her.
>You open the teapot and, after a moment of rummaging through your pockets, produce the vial of poison you extracted from the beans.
>Opening the vial, you shake its contents out into the tea.
>The blob of soggy, mashed beans falls into the brew with a sad 'phlep'
>If you dissolve the poison into the tea, both Rarity and her guest will die!
>Although, now you think about it, you don't know who her guest is going to be. Rarity never said. Or maybe, you suppose, she said but you weren't listening.
>Wow, what if it's your mum or something? What a twist that would be.
>You watch the lump of mashed bean as it stubbornly fails to dissolve.
>Well, fuck. It's just kind of hanging out there in the teapot
>You poke it.
>It floats away, slowly.
>Damn.

>>29114479
>The kitchen door opens, and you hastily slam the teapot down, closing the lid
>Rarity doesn't seem to notiec. She walks back into the room with a smile. It still looks slightly off, though, like she's terribly upset about something, but doing her best to hide it.
>You have no idea what it could be, but it doesn't matter. Soon you'll be the one with something to smile about!
>Well, so long as that damn poison dissolves in the tea.
>"My, Anon, I was just thinking to myself how long it's been since I've enjoyed the pleasure of your company!"
>You shrug
"Yeah. I don't often bless you with my presence."
>She titters as she sits, picking up the teapot
>Why's she laughing? You didn't make a joke.
>Rarity begins pouring herself a cup of tea and you watch, eyes glued to the stream coming out of the spout
>Enough of the poison should have dissolved by now to-
>A thick glob plops into Rarity's cup, disguised in the stream of tea.
>Shit. It doesn't look like it's dissolved at all.
>Rarity didn't notice the glob falling into her tea, or at least you don't think she did
>Unfortunately, it's floating in her cup. If she looks down, she'll spot it.
"Hey! I have an important question that requires your undivided attention."
>Rarity raises an eyebrow
>"Oh?"
>You nod
"Yeah, while you answer, look only at me."
>"Riiight. What was the question?"
"Uhh, who's the other guest that's coming?"
>"Ahhh."
>Rarity titters again
>"I thought your important question would be at least a little more taxing, Anon."
>She levitates her cup up to take a sip
>No, she can't drink it, not yet! The poison won't have dissolved at all! She'll feel the lump of beans, or taste it, or...
>Shit, what if she drinks all the tea, and just leaves the blob?
>You'll have to play innocent. Heck, if push comes to shove, you could blame it on her guest.
>Still, if this fails, she'll be that much more on the lookout for the next attempt on her life!
>Damn! You should have tested how well it would dissolve.

>>29114790
>"The guest is none other than my old friend-"
>Rarity takes a sip of tea
>You cross your fingers under the table, hoping she doesn't discover the posion lump
>"-Fluttershy."
"Ah, cool."
>Damn. You're not Fluttershy's biggest fan. She wouldn't sell you animals for the underground death-matches you wanted to run.
>Unreasonable bitch.
>A subtle glance shows that the lump's still floating in Rarity's tea
>She hums, looking inquisitive
>"Say, Anon, does this tea taste-"
"Donuts!"
>You shout it out as she's starting to look down at her cup
>That gets her attention.
>"I... beg your pardon?"
"Yeah, donuts. Remember that thing with the donuts?"
>She stares at you blankly for a moment, before understanding dawns
>"Ahhh, the time you snuck in and ate my donuts?"
>Her smile becomes slightly more genuine, and her eyes light up a little
>"That was an excellent prank, Anon!"
>It wasn't a prank! You broke in to steal her donuts!
>The bakery sells them in boxes, and she'd got the last one.
>Breaking in to eat them all was going to be your revenge.
>Are you crazy? Isn't it weird that Rarity wasn't worried about your breaking and entering? And theft!?
>"You've always been good with pranks, Anon, just like-"
>Rarity trails off, her smile faltering
>"Yes, well..."
>She takes another sip of tea
>This time, she swallows the poison

>>29114797
>Well, she /almost/ swallows the poison, you guess.
>The sudden lump in her tea surprises her, Rarity sputters
>A hoof goes up to her throat as she starts to choke
>Aw, shit! Perfect!
>You grin as she collapses, knocking the table and sending the teapot spinning to the floor where it shatters
>As the tea spreads across the room, Rarity writhes, her face going red, then blue as her thrashing becomes more erratic
>You're just sitting there the whole while, smiling like a kid who's been told that Christmas has been cancelled, and replaced with Super-Christmas
>Or something. You don't know, you're too excited to really think of a good analogy
"Yes! Looks like it's tea-TIME for you to die!"
>Rarity, her eyes bulging, now almost completely still, raises a hoof to you, weakly, asking for you help
>Time to pull out your pun
"I donut think you've quite learned your lesson, yet."
>You literally pat yourself on the back as Rarity convulses one final time
>She's dead
>Looks like there is such a thing as rightful and proportional justice in the universe
>Just as you're prematurely congratulating yourself on another flawless murder, the front door opens.
>In steps Fluttershy.

>>29115145
>She takes one look at the scene, Rarity lying on the floor in a growing puddle of tea, you sitting there grinning
>"Rarity!"
>She runs to her friend.
>Uh-oh. Looks like Fluttershy forgot the most important rule of first aid
>In her rush, she runs right through the danger-zone of broken crockery and spilled tea.
>Her hooves slip out from under help, and she gives a yelp as she falls, her head connecting with the heavy wooden table on the way down.
>There's a sickening crunch as it does, and she falls to the floor, head twisted round at an unnatural angle, legs twitching.
>...
>Fluttershy's dead, too.
"Yes! Double homicide!"
>Aw, the God of Death is going to be so happy!
>Heck, /you're/ happy!
>The poison worked perfectly.
>In a sense. Sure, Rarity didn't actually die from /poisoning/, she choked, but it was the poison she choked on!
>It didn't poison her, but it did kill her. Which is what it was meant to do!
>Awesome.
>Taking care not to make the same mistake as Fluttershy, you step around the tea puddle.
>Before you leave, you decide to see if there's anything worth stealing.
>You know how it is: come for the murder, stay for the theft.
>Less than five minutes later, you're leaving through the back door, heading home, stomach pleasantly full of tea, pockets pleasantly full of stolen jewellery.
>You've earned a drink. And you'd best let the God of Death know you've done /two/ make-up murders!
>She's going to be super excited.
>Things are looking good.
>AND you finally got revenge for the donuts!
>You feel like you've done enough, but as the Avatar of Death, you should probably keep killing people.
>You wonder who you should murder next...

>>29115185
Four down, ??? to go. Pastebin updated here:
http://pastebin.com/QDbJLy08

If anyone spots any mistakes, let me know and I'll fix them in the pastebin. I haven't had much chance to proofread anything.

Any ponies in particular Anon should try to kill next?

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>>29086503
Just jump at that fucker with legs open, grasp with your thighs around their neck and deathroll them.

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>>29115200
Derpy

>>29115200
Maybe that one background horse with the hat. It is a cool hat.

>>29115222
I second this.

>>29115222
Who?

>>29115553
Who?

>>29086503
It turns out a trained human can kill animals by breaking bones with a single punch. I'm not kidding. Humans are fucking brutal.

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>>29086503
>that pic

>>29116836
This, also there is the tried and true method of running them down until they collapse from exhaustion.

Does that work with horses?

Merry bump

>>29117784
Kek

Writefag here, I haven had the chance to write anything today, and I probably won't tomorrow, either. I'll keep an eye on the thread, and I'll continue on 26th, at the very latest the 27th. If the thread does go down, I'll finish this up in the AiE thread.

Hope you all have a merry Christmas!

>>29117791
Don't get me started on how humans have exceptionally fast wound regeneration. We are the only species to heal completely from broken bones and keep on going.

>>29121146
I don't think that's true. Other animals can survive broken bones, difference is humans are smart enough to set the bone so it heals properly

>>29101533
Ka li mah! KA LI MAH!

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>>29086503
Simple. You make them property of a corporation and throw the scraps to autists.

That is how you kill the pony.

>>29122138
The king guy looks pretty chill

>>29121006
Merry Christmas, thanks for the green

Merry Christmas!

>>29125096
Merry Christmas

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Happy chanukah

>>29126147

What a faggot.

>>29123254
>oh cool their were people inside the horse
>shame their killing my men oh well
>i think ill go fuck my wife after their done
>fucking my wife is neato

>>29123254

Why wouldn't he be? His dudes are just about to kill all those dumb Trojans.

>>29086503
With my dick

>>29126147
that comic is supposed to be "feels" but it's just gay

>>29127143
You're gay jk merry Christmas fuckboi

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>you will never hunt Ponies with your pony buddy

Happy 2nd day of chanukah

>>29115185
Bumping just for this

It's really good.

Biddely bump

>>29086503
Push in their eyes

>>29086503
Chokehold to death. Easiest and probably most efficient way. I'm not horse biology expert.

Bed boop

>>29086503

I dunno, but if I did, I would do it more mercifully than however that shitty artist is torturing Celestia in that drawing.

>>29131147
Awake boop

>>29132116
Mid day boop

>>29097588
Welcome to neo-/mlp/.

>>29121313
Do you know scars? Only humans have them. Our wounds heal so fast the tissue can't come after.
Second to humans are dogs. The rest live a shadow of their former life once they get injured to badly.

>>29134425
>Do you know scars? Only humans have them.

That's complete bullshit do you even anatomy?

>>29134425
Most other animals can recover from broken bones as well as humans. Our intelligence is what helps us: we can set bones and uninjured humans can support the hurt ones. As for scars, they're more visible in humans because we don't have fur, but if you've ever owned a pet that's been injured you'll have seen scars.

We are exceptional for a few solid reasons, and we do generally heal better than other animals, but we're not unique in recovering from cuts/broken bones

>>29086503
>>How would you go about killing a pony without any weapons?

I would acquire a weapon then kill the pony.

>>29086503
by not going about it

>page 10

Boop

>>29136985

>>29115185
>"One murder, Anon."
>You frown
>This isn't how you were expecting the God of Death to take the news of your double homicide
"No, it was definitely two."
>In fact you'd been so excited to tell the GoD you'd come straight to your sanctum after the crime.
>It had taken the same form as before, the black mare covered with Day of the Dead style body and face paint
>"You killed Rarity. There was no second murder."
>You shake your head in disbelief.
"Listen, I poisoned Rarity-"
>"She choked."
"- and then Fluttershy got caught in my cunning trap."
>"Well, she didn't die from it. Only Rarity's soul has passed on."
"She broke her neck! She was lying on the floor, twitching!"
>The GoD shrugs
>"Well, her soul hasn't passed on, Anon. She's still alive. Did you check her pulse?"
>You shrug
"Nah, I don't know how to do that on a pony."
>You do, you're just lazy.
>"It'd be good to learn, Anon. Maybe you should go on a first aid course."
"I'm an Avatar of Death! I should go on a /last/ aid course!"
>The GoD bows her head, sighing
"Get it? Like, instead of helping with first aid, I'd be harm-"
>"Yes, I got it."
"Oh, it's just you didn't laugh, and I assumed-"
>"Anon."
>She's suddenly gone serious
>You should probably play along
>Bowing low, you speak in a deep voice
"Yes, my God?"
>The GoD takes a few steps toward you
>"It is time for me to reveal your powers to you."
>The black mark on your hand tingles as she continues
>"After the two murders you've committed for me, I've gifted you two powers. The first is-"
"Three murders. I did three murders. Four, actually, but you're not letting me claim Fluttershy."
>If Fluttershy really did survive, she must be nearly dead by now. She was lying on the floor, drooling and twitching last time you saw her
>The GoD shakes its head impatiently

>>29138027
Oh joy he's returned

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Go for the eyes!

They're huge!

>>29138572
Press thumbs through the tear duct and push to the opposite sides, pops them right out of socket. The trauma to the ocular nerve can sometimes kill someone right there. Otherwise just rug on the eyes after popping them out.

>>29138572
Nightmare rarity has pretty eyes

>>29138027
Where u at mamg

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>>29138572
noice eyes

Page 9 bump

>>29086503
With my bare goddamn hands

>>29139035
I'm disturbed to ask how you know this.

>>29143816
You should always know your job.

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Maido

>>29145579
I would a maid

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>>29146067

>>29138027
>"I hadn't made you my Avatar when you did the first murder. You've done two since."
>You mutter under your breath that you still killed Fluttershy but if the God of Death hears, she ignores it
>"Anyway. I can finally reveal what your powers are."
>Cool
>You hope one is puns
>The power of puns. Puns so bad they can literally kill
>"The first power is-"
>Your doorbell rings
"Oh, I'd best get that."
>Standing, you saunter to the basement stairs
>"Anon! Don't you want to hear what powers I'm giving you!?"
>The GoD pouts
>Completely inappropriate behaviour for the God of Death
"I do, but this might be important."
>"More important than finding out about your supernatural powers, awarded by a God?"
>You shrug
"Maybe, sure. What if Princess Celestia finally answered one of my invitations to be fuck buddies? I'll be right back."
>With a final (pretty sarcastic) bow, you leave the basement.
>The doorbell keeps ringing as you head to the front door.
>Whatever it is, must be urgent
>Opening the door, you're met with a distraught Twilight Sparkle, tears streaming down her cheeks
>She throws herself forward wrapping her hooves around you
>"Oh, Anon! There's been a terrible accident!"
>An accident? You wonder what that could possibly be.
"Yeah?"
>"Rarity's... she's dead, Anon!"
>You nod, then remember you're supposed to be surprised, so you put on a surprised face
"I'm surprised by this news."
>"And Fluttershy... poor Fluttershy!"
>Twilight sobs
>You pat her on the back, reassuringly
"If she's poor, it's probably because she's lazy and/or stupid"
>"Not poor like... I mean she's in a coma, Anon!"
>Sounds like the GoD was right, which isn't really all that surprising now you think about it
>There's a sinking feeling in your stomach. Fluttershy saw you not helping Rarity. If she gets the chance to tell anyone, you could be arrested.
"Where is she?"
>"They're taking her to the hospital now..."
>Oh.
>Well.
>Fuck.

>>29146733
I love anon and deaths banter

>>29146733
Writefag here. That's all for today. I'm flying to the US tomorrow, so I'll have a good 12 hours free, which I'll try to use to do some writing. I won't be able to bump/post during that time but I'll have a load ready for the 30th. Again, if the thread dies, I'll continue in the AiE thread.

Ta!

>>29147370
What state?

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>>29134591
I wish i could not give a fuck about injury like reptiles though.

>>29147741
>"..."
>"you're a faggot, Frank."

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>>29146733
>You nod, then remember you're supposed to be surprised, so you put on a surprised face
>"I'm surprised by this news."
Comedy gold

>>29147677
Flying into JFK, but then staying in New Jersey

>>29087394
thanks, I thought I was the only one

>>29117791
This is exactly how humans first captured horses to tame them.

>>29121313
>>29121146
Interesting subject, I have heard that humans are a bit better at recovery than some other animals, but I also know that plenty of them can survive and heal from a broken bone. It's just that we don't see them often because they hide very well when injured, and so many of them fall to predation. Heck, my cat disappeared one day. A month later it shows up again with a fucked up shoulder, the doc guessed a dog had gotten it and broken the bone, and it'd hidden until it healed.

However, horses, and many animals at a size, can't deal well with broken bones. It's why there's a common scene of a horse-rider putting a horse with a broken leg down. Recovery is possible, but they'll forever have a weaker limb.
It's a matter of square and cube scales. The strength of a structure, such as a leg bone, mostly goes up proportionally to the cross-section (a square of linear scale change) but the weight it has to support goes up with the total volume (a cube). Horses even have thin limbs compared to their overall size, for top running efficiency. Each individual limb has to support so much weight relative to its strength, even if a horse managed to live and heal up, the weakened leg would be a liability for the rest of its life.

>>29149075

Since in nature they'd simply die of starvation long before the leg would heal, they had no evolutionary advantage in learning the behaviors that would allow them to recover.

So they tend to panic when any attempt is made to immobilize the limb. There's just nothing in their instincts to allow them to react passively to it.

This is different than animals with more human-like limb proportions like dogs and cats that can actually live well with three limbs if they live long enough to recover from the loss.

death by ass eating

>>29154227

Fuckem to death

By letting the thread drop off the edge

Boop

>10

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i am just here to bump threads and post shit

>>29086503
It's kind of obvious

You use autism

>>29161755
me to friend

>>29139035
You might need a little bit more leverage considering how big they are.

>>29163514
You'll want to have as little space between you and then for this. It gives you more leverage when you lift your elbows and it prevents them from getting an effective counter attack while you leave yourself otherwise unguarded.

>>29146733
>Fluttershy doesn't look great
>She's hooked up to a life-support machine in Ponyville hospital, a mask over her face, wires running all over her, the ECG machine beeping weakly as the poor mare clings to life
>You belch, loudly
>If Twilight notices, she doesn't say anything
>You belch again, more loudly
>Twilight frowns
>"Is now really the time, Anon?"
>The apple pony was here earlier but now it's just you, Twilight and some shitty little rabbit
"If Fluttershy never wakes up, do you think I can have this rabbit?"
>You cook a mean rabbit stew, and this is one mean rabbit. It keeps shooting you dirty looks, like it knows what you've done
>"I don't know, Anon"
>Twilight seems too distracted to really process how inappropriate you're being. Which is probably for the best.
>For a while, the only sound comes from the machines keeping Fluttershy alive
>Which gives you a good idea.
>Those machines cut out, she dies.
>Surreptitiously, you check to see where they're plugged in
>Jackpot. A dozen plugs going into one overloaded socket. Switch that off and it's curtains for the only loose end you've ever left
>As you straighten up with a satisfied grin, you glance at the rabbit
>It meets your eyes, and stares you down
>Seriously, what is up with this rabbit?
"Think she might wake up with a rabbit blood sacrifices?"
>It takes a moment for your words to register, but when they do a Twilight's head snaps round to you
>"Anon! That's a great idea!"
>You grin, and reach for a scalpel
>The rabbit looks scared.
>You resist the urge to laugh evilly
>"No, not the sacrifice!"
"Awww"
>You're disappointed, but not surprised
>"I mean we should try to snap her out of the coma!"
"What? Is that even a thing?"
>"I read a book on it, Anon, we can-"
"I mean, if it was that easy wouldn't the doctors have done it already?"
>"Anon, we can do it!"
>There's a slightly manic edge to her voice, and Twilight's face is contorted

>>29164597
I hope he jams the rabbit down flutters throat to finish her off

>>29164597
>snap her out of the coma
oww the edge

>>29164597
>Huh. Now you think about it, she's lost three friends and is at risk of losing another.
>That's putting a damper on your mood
>Still, maybe this could be a good way to get Twilight out of the room long enough to pull the plug
"Yeah, sure."
>You rub your nose
"I read a book once, called Lucky, about a boy with a dog who gets in a car crash, the boy I mean is in the crash, but, no, let me start again."
>Twilight nods sluggishly, her tired eyes full of hope
>"The boy's dog runs in front of a car so the kid jumps in to save it, but he gets hit and goes into a coma and then... Oh, Lucky was the dog's name by the way, and-"
>Twilight gasps
>"Fluttershy's in a coma, just like the boy!"
"Uh, yeah, why else would I be telling this story?"
>Twilight blinks a few times
>"Right. Sorry, go on."
>God, she must be sleep deprived.
"So the kid's in a coma, and they try loads of stuff to get him to wake up but he doesn't. So- wait, what did I say it was called?"
>"Lucky"
"I think it might have been called Cool. I dunno, I read it so long ago. But the most important thing is that they smuggle, his parents, this is, smuggle his dog into the hospital! And he wakes up."
>Twilight's eyes go wide, and she stares at Fluttershy
>"You think a dog could wake her up?"
>To be honest, you just want Twilight out of the room so you can pull that plug. Getting her to fetch Fluttershy's animals will accomplish just that
>Time for the final push
"Maybe not a dog, but if all her animal friends were here..."
>You were expecting Twilight to finish the sentence but she doesn't realise
>The pair of you stand in silence
>You clear your throat, wiggling your eyebrows at her
>"Oh, uh, she might wake up?"
>You nod

>>29166216
Angel bunny is gonna pull the plug

bump for green

Sers What?

>>29167464
Chew through the wire and simulationsly electrocute himself

I would overfeed them with apples
fuckloads of apples

>>29170945
You have to eat all the apples applejack

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>>29171484

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>>29171939
>>29171939

>>29086503
Bludgeon tha ponies to death with my ballsack of deathhttp://m.animalnewyork.com/2014/youtube-art-video-balls-swinging-removed-internet-confused/

>>29176422
>>29177069
>>29177499
>>29182851
You can stop now, I'm sure someone screencapped enough ebic lulz material for all their subs.

>>29182915
I'm just waiting for more greentext until the anon says he's done.