Writefags' Guild

Tips and links:

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

File: Your first date.jpg (73KB, 592x448px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 592x448px

http://pastebin.com/2VAfBkJE

>What am I doing here, I'm not a writer. I'm an ideafag, not even a very good one at that.

>Give it to me straight, doc. It's cancer isn't it?

Next time I should start the thread without the "" at the end of writefags... it's easier to Ctrl+F search if I just type in Writefags Guild

Don't tell me the Writefag Guild general is on it's death bed too.

>>29028485
No. Thank's to my bumps.

also, check this

horse-news net/2015/02/how-to-write-for-horse-news.html

>step first last name
>article's date

Is it about me?

File: shitposting.gif (3MB, 400x225px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 400x225px

>>29028485
There are only a limited number of writefags, normies don't venture in here. Thus we have less people available at all hours to bump thread.

I'll start doing my anon bumps at page 8 though.

>>29028803
Here's some Disney music to keep you entertained.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9XQUW5URQU

>>29028862
Here's some Trump to keep this thread Great.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6HT_AqXL-o

>>29028248
the real one, huh?

When leading up to a quote, should I make greater use of periods or commas? Is one grammatically correct and not the other? Not used to writing which involves dialogue to be entirely honest.

i.e.
But Twilight pointed out that there was one problem, "Anon, I have a penis too. All mares do."

vs

But there was one problem. "Anon, I have a penis too. All mares do."

>>29030306
The first one is correct. If you wanted to make the second one correct, it would read like:
>But there was one problem, "Anon, I have a penis too. All mares do."

Goodnigh

Greentext board when?

I'll post my edited stuff from last thread later on. There was talk of pastebin but I guess 8 posts makes the thread look longer. JD is now a lot more belligerent now. He's rather snide and unhelpful to Drifter but a fair amount of his dialogue is the same. Hopefully it reads a bit better now and some of the points mentioned are a little less obvious now. I'd link from the old thread but I dunno the easiest way to do that on Clover so I'm not gonna bother.

>>29032435
Document Id #23515
Missing Griffons Investigation - Redclaw of Stillwater Lake
Transcript of Interview - 'JD', Griffon
Recorded 12/Lun/2506

NOTE: Interviewee name is currently unknown; Known aliases - 'JD'
NOTE: All information regarding 'JD' prior to 2472 has been restricted by a class 8 military order authorised by General Ironsight. Further documentation can be found in the Featherfall Military Archvies, Special Mandate and Decree Wing.


BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
S. Drifter: This interview is being recorded by Corporal Steadyclaw in accordance with the 2383 Documentation Reform, Section 6:42. My name is Sergeant Drifter, currently attached to Willowwood Grove Military Outpost. The time is 6 minutes past 11, the date is the 12th of the Lunar Cycle, 2506. The other military personnel present are Corporal Steadyclaw, attached to Willowwood Grove Military Outpost as scribe and...
C. Gayle: Corporal Gayle, from Willowwood Grove Military Outpost.
P. Gretila: Private Gretila, also from Willowwood Grove Military Outpost.
S. Drifter: We are in room 17, Willowwood Grove Military Outpost. Stated for the record; in accordance with the writ provided by the interviewee, the griffon known as 'JD' reserves the right to deny answering any questions pertaining to his identity or actions prior to 2472. Further infomation regarding this writ can be found in the Featherfall Military Archvies. This transcript may be used as evidence if this case is brought to trial. Do you understand that?
JD: Yeah.
S. Drifter: Can you confirm that there are only 5 individuals in the room?
JD: Yeah.
S. Drifter: I will remind you that you have the right to independent legal advice, do you still not wish to obtain any form of legal council?
JD: I know how to talk, I'll speak for myself.
S. Drifter: Could you state your name?
JD: JD.
S. Drifter: Your full name please?
JD: J. D.

>>29032722
S. Drifter: What was your name prior to 2472?
JD: Hmm... It's the darndest thing, I don't quite remember. '72 was so long ago.
S. Drifter: Am I to assume that you are declining to answer this question?
JD: You're one sharp investigator, son. You do this for a livin'?
S. Drifter: Alright then 'JD', during the course of this session, I'll be asking questions regarding the disappearance of a griffon last seen in your company, one Redclaw of Stillwater Lake. Are you fit to answer these questions?
JD: I ain't getting any younger so if you don't get a move on I might not be.
S. Drifter: Either yes or no, 'JD'.
JD: Yeah, I'm fit.
S. Drifter: Redclaw was last seen with you heading into the Unmarked Forests on the 9th of the Cooling, approximately 10 weeks ago, is this correct?
JD: Yeah.
S. Drifter: Why did you and Redclaw decide to enter the Unmarked Forests?
JD: I'm a tracker, sort'a obvious why I went in, I was hired.
S. Drifter: Hired to do what?
JD: Get Redclaw to the middle and back 'unmarked', heh. First part was easy enough but he got himself killed when we got there, made part two a bit harder.
S. Drifter: What made Redclaw hire a tracker to guide him through the Unmarked Forests?
JD: Redclaw? I never said I he hired me.
S. Drifter: Who hired you then?
JD: Redclaw, I just never said it. You sure you're an investigator, son?
S. Drifter: I'd ask you not to waste time with innane wordplay. Did Redclaw hire you?
JD: Yeah, he did.
S. Drifter: Why?
JD: Well, Sergeant Investigator, imagine you 'probly heard the rumours 'bout that Demon Ape?
S. Drifter: Yes.
JD: Yeah, well, Redclaw wanted to put it down.
S. Drifter: Why?
JD: Killed his brother, he said.
S. Drifter: His brother?
JD: Yeah, wanted to become a four star tracker 'parently, he-
S. Drifter: Like you?
JD: Don't interrupt me. Anyway, like I was tryin' to say; they always give the youngin's a test. My guess is he was sent into that forest to do somethin'.

>>29032727
S. Drifter: What sort of test?
JD: Somethin' to make sure they're up to the job, test their mettle. Like a final exam, a' sorts.
S. Drifter: Who decides these tests?
JD: Tracker's council. Go annoy them if you wanna know about it, I ain't involved anymore.
S. Drifter: So you used to be on the Tracker's Council?
JD: Once.
S. Drifter: So, you think Redclaws brother took this exam and somehow ended up meeting the Demon Ape?
JD: That's the story best I could figure.
S. Drifter: Did Redclaw say why he suspected the Demon Ape of having killed his brother?
JD: Nothin' solid.
S. Drifter: Elaborate.
JD: It won't mean much for ya.
S. Drifter: I'll be the one to decide that, elaborate, please.
JD: He mumbled somethin' 'bout a dragon, once. Said it's what started all this.
S. Drifter: And what did this dragon say?
JD: No idea. I didn't talk to him.
S. Drifter: And Redclaw never spoke about what they discussed?
JD: Not to me, at least.
S. Drifter: You got a name for that dragon?
JD: He never mentioned it, I never asked.
S. Drifter: Do you know why Redclaw chose you out of all the available trackers?
JD: Ha! 'Probly wanted the best. I've been in and out of those forests for years and I find my way back. More than I can say for some trackers, at least.
S. Drifter: Hmm... So you both went into the forest to track the Demon Ape, is that correct?
JD: Yeah. Thought we estabished that already.
S. Drifter: Walk me through it. What did you do first?
JD: What, everythin'? Prep as well?
S. Drifter: Yes. Everything about how you came into the employ of Redclaw and what happened thereafter.
JD: That's a pretty long bit of nothin' interesting, son.
S. Drifter: Perhaps, but until you talk about it we might be sitting here for a while.

>>29032732
JD: Yeah a'right, fine. Came to me 'bout four months ago, said he wanted to find somethin'. Somethin' livin' in those forests. Wanted to make it dead. I wasn't didn't care much 'bout what he wanted to do in there. He wanted a guide so came to the best. I gave 'im the rates; 30 grand upfront, 'nother 15 if we made it back. Heh, guess I won't be seein' that money anytime soon. He paid up and I started the preparin' for a long haul. Trips like that ain't easy to pack for, 'specially escortin' a non-tracker. Far as prep goes, pretty standard for me, less standard for him. Had to get a slew of antidotes and remedies for the things ya see in there; poison, venom, magical infection, you name it. Usually don't bother with most of 'em past my reserve stash but ya can't take chances when you're takin' some dead weight griffon with ya. 'Probly somethin' your boss has to deal with a lot. Had to get a new sky perch as well, that took the longest. Cost the most too. You youngsters only make garbage these days I'll tell ya that, 20 years ago I coulda' got a sky perch twice as good for what I had to pay to those seagulls.
S. Drifter: I'll make a note of it. So you stood to make 45 thousand bits on the completion of this expedition? That seems like an awfully large sum of money for a simple escort request.
JD: Yer a military cock, ain'tcha? Paper pusher or not, you'd have a better idea than most 'bout this sort'a trip. This wasn't fledglings play time in the woods. Hard enough keeping yourself alive in there. 'Sides, a third of that money I got went to supplies for the hunt. Even you should know how far ten grand goes when ya looking for decent equipment, it ain't ever as far as ya want.
S. Drifter: Even so, that's still roughly 20 thousand bits currently in your possession.

>>29032735
JD: You ain't been an interrogator long, 'ave ya, son? I see where you're leadin' this. If I wanted Redclaw dead, there're better ways than heading into the forest and wastin' three months to do it. I'd've poisoned him early on, slow actin'. Used that as cover for cuttin' our stay short. When we got closer to town, run him into a manticore lair to get mauled. Idiot client poisoned himself and ran into manticores while delirious. Sounds more believable than the truth, sadly enough. Maybe he'd even survive. Net me an extra 15 grand. Save my self a few months in the forest and end up 'bout as suspicious as now. All it would cost is my reputation and that ain't a small price to pay.
S. Drifter: Your reputation?
JD: 4 star tracker can't even keep his client from gettin' poisoned in a forest? Now that's embarrassin'.
S. Drifter: So, is that common occurence with all trackers or is it just something you do?
JD: What're you talkin' 'bout?
S. Drifter: Planning how to murder and dispose of your clients, is that something all trackers do or just you?
JD: I don't care much for your attitude. I ain't been livin' a cushy life doin' nothin' but talkin' everyday, like you. If ya trust everyone ya meet at face value you're a damn fool.
S. Drifter: Not trusting a griffon is one thing but it sounds to me like you had a pretty intricate plan to kill Redclaw. You outlined it yourself, certainly better than spending three months in a forest.
JD: If I killed him in two weeks, why'd I wait three months to come out 'n talk to some greenhorn investigator? I could have been done with all this garbage already.

>>29032739
S. Drifter: That's the question I'm trying to answer. A former council member like yourself would have a pretty good idea about the handling of contract payments. Maybe even a few friends still on the council to help you out. So you were going to kill Redclaw but it took you three months to do it? Something must have gone wrong. What happened? Did he escape the manticores? Or maybe he found the poison you were feeding him?
JD: You shut your beak, son. I won't listen to you prattle on 'n insult me. I didn't need to kill that idiot for his money. There are plenty of other contracts I coulda' found involvin' killin' that pay a whole heap better than what I got from him.
S. Drifter: That doesn't mean much JD, you could have just as easily had a contract on his life as well. Sounds like a pretty convincing reason to take his job request.
JD: I ain't got anythin' else to say 'bout this nonsense, either arrest me or ask about what happened in the forest but ya keep pushin' this feather rot at me 'n I'll sit here in silence 'til your holdin' time is up, I can promise ya that.
S. Drifter: If you want me to move on then explain to me why you talked about killing Redclaw like some it was some trivial affair. That's not normal, even for a tracker.
JD: I've had griffons out to kill me before, some of 'em pretty obvious 'n others not. I make plans for the worst and if you're smart, you'll do the same. You don't, one day you'll wake up with someone's claw around your neck.
S. Drifter: Why would anyone want to kill you?
JD: I ain't gonna talk about that.
S. Drifter: Why not?
JD: 'Cause I got a piece'a paper that says I can.
S. Drifter: Fine, moving on then, you finished preparing for the journey. Then what?

>>29032744
JD: Redclaw got what ever he had to sort, sorted and we went in. Took 'bout a week to get deep enough into the forest. Set up the sky perch a few days later. After that? Not much happened, for a while anyway. Just searchin'. Couldn't find anythin' to go off so I widened the search area a few times. Moved the base site 'bout once fortnight. Covered a lot of ground but it still took 2 months to find a trail. Found it eventually though, I always do.
S. Drifter: Two months? That seems like an awfully long time.
JD: I don't care what it seems like to some griffon who couldn't tell his left and right wing apart. I've been trackin' monsters and beasts since before you'ere hatched but it doesn't leave much to go off while it's movin' around. Still, ain't nothin' I can't find, even Demon Apes.
S. Drifter: This Demon Ape, describe it to me.
JD: Heh, Demon Ape's 'bout right. Damn tall, least as big as a minotaur without the horns. Stood like one as well, up on it's hind legs. Not hunched over like a normal ape. It had glowin' eyes, gold or orange, couldn't tell ya which. From what I could see, it looked sickly and thin, patchy fur, most of it missin'. If it ever had a full coat, it 'probly fell out after whatever dark magic gave it those eyes, they ain't natural that's for sure. 'Part from the all the skin it was wearing, pretty tame far as demons go, all things considered. Those skins got Redclaw riled up though I'll tell ya, tried to calm him but he went berserk. Said he was gonna shred that demon apart with his bare claws, flew straight at it. Last idea that idiot ever had was a damn stupid one, fittin' I guess.
S. Drifter: What do you mean by that?
JD: There are two ways you get to keep livin' in that forest. You either be good at runnin' or good at killin', and that Demon Ape didn't look much like the runnin' type to me.

>>29032746
S. Drifter: Do you know why Redclaw was so enraged by the demon wearing the pelts of it's victims? Was it wearing his brothers skin?
JD: Didn't look like griffon to me. Maybe worse than that, though. It was wearin' some fusion of manticore, changelin', and dragon grafted together somehow. 'Probly some other poor bastards too, wouldn't surprise me. I guess 'cause it lost its fur, it started to wear the pelts of the things it killed. I ain't ever seen Discord before but if I didn't know better, I'd say this is how he started off.
S. Drifter: So you couldn't see any indication of a griffon having being killed by it from what it wore?
JD: It did have a few feathers on it's side thinkin' back, maybe a griffons.
S. Drifter: Did they belong to Redclaws brother?
JD: Couldn't tell you, ain't never seen him. He's been missin' a while now, remember?
S. Drifter: So Redclaw flew in to attack, then what?
JD: Then he died. Idiot screeched so loudly the entire forest must have heard him. Soon as that Demon Ape spotted him, he didn't gets much further.
S. Drifter: How did the Demon Ape kill Redclaw?
JD: It's got some sort'a magical artefact, I ain't ever seen anything like it. It's as loud as thunder and tears a hole though whatever it's pointed at. It tore through Redclaw pretty easy at least.
S. Drifter: If that's true, I can't help but notice you look rather unscathed.
JD: I didn't fly out screaming like a fool. Redclaw didn't listen and he paid the price.
S. Drifter: So after Redclaw attacked you left him to die at the mercy of this monster?
JD: You ain't listenin' to me, son. Redclaw was dead before he hit the ground. I ain't stupid enough try stop a dead griffon gettin' deader. Redclaw found what he wanted, I wasn't paid to die.
S. Drifter: Tell me about the magical artefact the Demon Ape had.

>>29032750
JD: Nothin' else to tell. Held it in it's hand, pointed it at Redclaw, it went off 'n Redclaw died. I didn't much feel like flyin' down to ask 'pecifics.
S. Drifter: What did you do once Redclaw was killed then?
JD: Ha! You ain't been out in the field much, Sergeant Investigator. Here's a bit of advice, son. You find yourself in an unwinnable fight: you hide and pray you don't get found. I've seen griffons preach about the honor of battle 'til they took a claw to the throat or a knife to the back. That's why it's me here talkin' and not them. In life you'll find times to keep your head down or fight, and the only fight that's worth asking for is an unfair one, stacked in your favour. I'll let you investigate this one, what'd'ya reckon I did?
S. Drifter: You ran.
JD: Damn right I did.
S. Drifter: What did the Demon Ape do once it killed Redclaw?
JD: It looked around, like it was searchin' for somethin', 'probly me. Pretty sure it saw me while Redclaw tried to attack it. When he flew in I left that hiding spot quiet as I could. You go into that forest often enough 'n ya get pretty good at stayin' unseen, or ya family gets an empty casket at your funeral.
S. Drifter: So you stayed to observe it? Why?
JD: I know nothin' about that thing or what it had, that magic weapon it had coulda' been like a griffon seekin' arrow. Flyin' off wasn't worth the risk to get seen.
S. Drifter: So you hid?
JD: I stayed still 'n out outta sight but I reckon it knew I was still around. Things that live there get pretty good at hide'n'seek.
S. Drifter: So, if it was looking for you, how did you escape?
JD: I didn't, it left. Slung Redclaws body over it's shoulder 'n walked away. Twenty minutes later I flew off back to base, packed up, 'n left. I burned the feather I took from Redclaw that night. Wasn't much of a funeral but it's least a griffon deserves, even an idiot. Hope his brother got one burned as well, somehow I doubt it.

>>29032753
S. Drifter: How did you get one of Redclaws feathers? You stated you didn't interfere with Redclaw's attack and that and his corpse was taken.
JD: I took one before we went in, standard fair on any dangerous contract. Any decent trackers'll tell ya, if you hire a tracker for an escort, means your gonna die without us. We try 'n stop the dyin' part. We're good but we ain't miracle makers.
S. Drifter: That's enough for today. We'll be in touch to clarify some details but this is fine for a preliminary statement. Before we finish, did you have anything else to mention regarding what happened to Redclaw or any further details about the Demon Ape and it's weapon? If your information is correct this would be one of very few confirmed sightings and the only one that mentions a magical artefact. Any insight you have could be vital to the next encounter with it.
JD: You want my advice, son? Leave well enough alone. Long as its got that weapon, you try 'n find it and I can tell ya what's gonna happen. You'll end up like Redclaw 'n his brother; a demon's new feathery pillow attached to a free snack. This Demon Ape ain't no normal monster, it's resourceful, smart, and cautious; just 'bout everythin' you don't want a monster to have. That thing is bad news, son, 'n lookin' for it's as good as suicide. If it wasn't on guard before I'll bet my beak it will be now. It's deep in the forest 'n looks like it's stayin' there but if you go bother it, don't be surprised if that skin walker starts tryna' find more skin to walk around in.
S. Drifter: Thank you for your time.
JD: Yeah, you sure wasted enough of it.
S. Drifter: If you'll follow Private Gretila, she'll see you out.
END TRANSCRIPT

Whoah, there's blacktext?

You guys deal in greentext, right?
I wrote a thing for a prompt thread last week or so and I'm looking for some advice.

I stupidly asked in the fimfic thread but greentext is - understandably - not their preferred style.

http://pastebin.com/tEzeGkWg

I know it's not great literature, but my question is this: Are there any quick and dirty tips to spice up greentext prose? It feels like I'm often getting lost in what's like 2 or 3 sentence structures over and over.
I went through some of the guides provided a while back but if memory serves, greentext specific shenanigans fall a little short.

Still looking for feedback on this thing I'm writing, a bit over 9k words in and have more planned out but I still haven't received any major feedback.

http://pastebin.com/pUGK5fhy

>>29034137
I'm not sure what your issue is, the writing seems decent enough. Your sentence structure seems to have fewer clauses than most, but that's not inherently bad and even contributes to style. Could you elaborate on your problem?

>>29034348
I'll try to explain this clearer. It's a little hard to put into words, so bear with me. I'm also missing some technical terms I'm too lazy to look up right now.

I like using the gerund in the dependent clause of a sentence because I like how it builds the structure.

>Your question carries a note of sarcasm, the notion of Pinkie’s rotting shelter being the stuff of local fairytales too much to believe.

>Pinkie greets the grinning pony, happily placing your order while you take the chance to catch a quick rest on one of Joe’s benches.

>Following the meal, you had decided to stretch out in front of the fireplace a bit, letting some mellow music from your record player fill the silence.
et cetera

However, this feels like it only leaves me with a few options style-wise. Add to that "regular" sentences in the present tense, which more often than not start with "you", and that's more or less it. I'm not saying it reads badly at the end of it, but I spent a lot of time trying to form the sentences without getting too repetitive. I was just wondering if there were any "tricks" to make it sound more diverse or something.

I hope this makes sense.

>>29034495
That's definitely a sentiment I recognise. I'm afraid I can't give you a very concrete tip, but I will tell you to just try things. Mix up the order of words (within the bounds of grammar) and see if you like it. Another 'structure' you could use are (short) thoughts, there's generally a lot of ways to phrase a thought, especially since it doesn't have to fully comply with grammar rules. I hope this helps you.

>>29034495
Ok then, >>29034809 is right. Just alternating the order of your nouns and verbs in the sentence should help, but it's not really an easy fix overall. Try to avoid starting with pronouns if that's a problem for you, in many cases they're simply not needed.

Since I hate bumps that contribute nothing, how much can y'all write in an hour? I get around 1700-2000 words at my normal rate.

>>29035374
Not very much. It took me several hours to do a five page paper

>>29036805

>>29035374
Kind of depends for me how much I've already been writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w15oWDh02K4&index=5&list=RDWO0JvkMynCQ

Morning, Europa.

Good night bump

bump with my first section. I've never posted before, or written greentext at all, but it looked like yall could use more content.

>Whats the worst way to live?
>Some people say that to live a life without meaning is worse than death.
>others would argue that a boring life wouldn't be worth living either.
>And then there are people who actually suffer physical and emotional harm day in and day out.
>Ironically, those are the people who rarely make melodramatic claims such as wanting to die.
>"Oh what a crow at my door, black like my heart..."
>you're jostled back to consciousness by one of the new freshmen trying to present her first short story.
>The writing club has been something of your baby since sophomore year. A whiny, moody baby, but yours all the same.
>You managed to revive the club into a booming 4 consistent members and 14 names who visit twice a semester to get their papers edited.
>Okay so maybe it's not the dead poet's society you were hoping for, but you need the extra curricular to satisfy your college adviser's constant harping.
>Still, even listening through this Deviant Art tier piece was nicer than sitting at home jerking it to girly cartoon bisons.
>That being said, between all the "shadow"s and "darkness"es you begin to worry that this might become some disgusting fanfic
>"Thank you, Luna" you cough as she completes her reading "Sharing is normally the most difficult part, and now we can get to editing"
>"You didn't think it was good?" she asks looking down
>"I think it was a good start, but I want to wait until I have more than a page to base my reaction on" you reply cautiously
>"oh... of course, I probably should have written more... It's just my homework... and..." she trails off looking ashamed
>Quickly you realize that you may have been too harsh given the now crestfallen girl in front of you.

>>29039583
cont.

>she looks up at you with a shaky smile "sure, anon"
>Freshmen are always so damn delicate
>You and Luna turn out of the room and into the third floor hallway
The hall is lit in an orange white glow from the afternoon sun seeping in through the windows.
>Luna was a short slender girl who, if only by appearance, possessed almost no visual cues that would indicate her to be anything other than a skeleton in a hoodie.
>her narrow frame made her clothes more like drapes, showing no sign of hips or breasts to speak of.
>Maybe you would stop off at the vending machine and grab her a snack. She obviously hadn't eaten given that her hands were shaking.
>Or maybe that's because of what you said
>shit
>You quickly try to break the tension
>"I want you to know that no one thinks that you're a bad writer" you say turning your head towards her
>"If you have classwork or other obligations that stop you from writing, then that's okay. We certainly won't turn you away for not meeting a quota."
>Luna's mouth turned to show a trace of a smile.
>Certainly it wouldn't hurt anything to go a bit farther...
>"and" you mumble "I'd love to read over your story once you finish it, I'll even help you edit it if you want"
>For the first time Luna looks up at you
>Her eyes were huge with deep sleepless circles resting under her eyes.
>you felt paralyzed by them; their deep violet seemed strange and unnatural. It felt as if she could look straight through you.
>"Thank you... but I don't think I'm going to come back. Actually, I think I need to go." She chokes out as she turns and sprints down the hallway.
>dumbfounded, you're about to call out an apology, but you realize it probably wouldn't fix anything.

>>29039586
Forgot a carrot in there

>You lumber back towards the club room to find your three other idiots waiting in anticipation for your return.
>"You fucked up, senpai" laughs a short athletic girl reclining on the top row of chairs.
>Dash, a real devotee of the club, was being forced to be here by her english professor after failing Eng1 two years in a row
>From beside the door a tall willowy girl mumbles "My fliers and recruitment tactics aren't going to do anything if we cant manage to retain them once they get here" she glances down at the nearly empty attendance sheet
>"Twi, I'm very grateful for the help, but sometimes freshmen writers just don't stay. Yeah, this one may have been my fault, but it's not like there wont be others." you say defensively.
>without a moment wasted, a pop of confetti cascades across the side of your head followed by a rather loud chant you recognize to be Pinkie.
>"And what about MY new writer's party!? Mom says I'm not allowed to come home with extra cake anymore. She won't stop going on and on about blah, blah, diabetes, blah, blah, heart arrhythmia!"
>She continues, but the ringing in your ear seems to help in your efforts to tune her out.
>"ALRIGHT!" you shout "It's not like we can get her back now, there's nothing else I can do."
>silence falls for a moment after your outburst
>"Well you could talk to her when you return her backpack." says twilight grinning and pointing to a ratty little backpack sitting next to the podium.
>You hold your breath as you turn to inspect the backpack hoping in vain that it might be someone else's.
>Lifting it reveals a shimmering moon iron-on patch that adorns the otherwise frayed sack.
>"Enjoy your date, Anon" snickers Dash rudely.
>god damn it.

***

Anyone knows where can I find a decent artist to draw me a comic book?

>>29039858
The quality and places to look all depend on how much you'd be willing to pay.

So, here's something that's never been brought up, yet happens all the time in greentexts: youtube links. How do you guys feel about them in a story? Do they cheapen the experience? Are they the lazy man's mood setting, or are they capable of adding to the story? I'm still on the fence about it's usage.

>>29040113
I've never used one and I generally dislike their usage. Be witty enough to set your own mood without relying on music. When I want to read a story I don't want to listen to some background noise.

>>29040113
I'm don't really mind. I never click the link and just continue, so I don't really know if they're effective, but they're just not what I came for, so I ignore them.

>>29040113
I find they can have some place in a humorous or silly story, but not really anywhere else.

How do you write multiple personalities when you only have 1 brain?

>>29041729
Try transplanting the personality of a friend or family member onto a character, and make minor modifications.

>>29041729
What do you mean?

>>29041925
I think/assume the question was asking about how are you supposed to write multiple personalities in a story (i.e different characters) when you only have your own.

I guess what I've been doing is having little character profiles with some small description about the characters personality to help me see how they would react in a situation.

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>>29041729
>pic related

Like >>29041759 Said, try using the personalities of people you know well. Just think about how they would act/ what they would say. You don't even need slight modifications, after all, your reader won't know that your MC is actually you and the love interest is actually that cute girl from human resources.

Bumping in the name of spreading Christianity to Equestria

Deus vult!

>>29041729
I used to have a well thought out answer to this, but it has to do with how well you know yourself. You have to stand outside yourself and dig into your own psyche, and learn about all the little things that make you tick. What motivates you to do the things you want to do? What pushes you away from the things you want to do? There are hundreds of aspects and dimensions you have to analyze about yourself, and then you have to take that model and imprint it onto something else. How would your character act differently than you would in a given circumstance? What's going on in their head at all times?

The crappy part about making good characters is that your audience will only see a fraction of the thought put into it. If you do your job well, all the stuff that your audience doesn't know will work its way into the cracks and crevices of your character.

are you writing, anon?

>>29043411
Yes, are you?

>>29043411
Get off my ass

>>29043481
I'm about to start writinghours ago

>>29043411
Yes, but not for /mlp/

Gotta do something to fund my CSGO skins.

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Also, still really want feedback on the story linked in >>29034348

Haven't gotten anything besides "Yeah dude it's good" and "moar" from AiE, where I've been posting it. You don't get better at something without being told what you're doing wrong.

Up

If I'm writing a lengthy section where the character is talking to himself within his mind, would I still greentext all his thoughts like normal, or split them up between black and greentext?

>"I like ice cream."
>"Me too."
or
>"I like ice cream."
"Me too."

>>29044843
Split them, although I would use 'single quotes'

>>29043704
I'll get you. I can have a critique for that on Tuesday.

>>29045057
Thank you!

>>29028192
I need a writefag, please, write a story about Naranjita. She's a character created by Faggot13 long ago.

http://pastebin.com/uyWRSsRz

Here's the story. So I'm begging you, guys, I need more naranjita in my life.

>>29045822
hmm

>>29046385
Is that a yes?

>>29044431
down

>>29047042
and all around

>>29043569
>getting paid for writing
You're living the life, friend.

>>29028234
MORE, please.

>>29047804
>Writing hundreds of pieces of content to the same specifications but 100% unique each time
>Living the life
Not really. Although it certainly pays well. I'll be happier once I've got my doctorate but that's quite a ways away.

>Page 10
k

Why is most green written in 2nd person? Even for non-Anon stories, most content seems to be filled with (You). Is there just some kind of block for the writers here to making 3rd person content?

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>>29028192
Someone please tell eatcarbs to continue his fucking story before I kill myself thank you

>>29050767
It's convention. Nothing more. I don't see a reason for it, yet I don't see a reason to go against it, unless it's for a purpose

>The dirt felt smooth and fine beneath your hooves and the wind was light and refreshing, carrying a sweet scent from the village you had left in your wake.
>While armor felt heavy and cumbersome to most, the cold embrace of the steel gave you a sense of comfort your rarely felt elsewhere.
>The shifting weight of the worn longsword strapped to your back gave you a feeling of security, as if you could take on the whole world, just you and your sword.
>Life wasn't all comforts though, comfort only dulls ambition.
>You hated long walks like these, and this was the longest one you'd had the strength for in a while.
>You had only walked for a mile or so, and if that eccentric stallion was correct you still had many more to go.
>Watching the world flow by you, a seamless mess of chaos mixed in with the seemingly endless fields of grass on either side became boring very quickly.
>Risking boredom-induced insanity, you were forced to turn to the confines of your own mind for entertainment.
>This was the source of your hatred for long walks.
>"Why did you leave that nice village behind?"
>It had already started, much quicker this time than usual.
>"They were nice ponies, they healed you and armed you, free of charge."
>"Why did you abandon them? What were you afraid of?"
'............'
>"Surely you weren't afraid of the Changlings, you don't even think they're going to come. So what was it then?"
'You talk too much. You're always sulking around, just leave me alone.'
>"Oh, I see! You weren't afraid of them, you were afraid of yourself, weren't you?"
'I said to shut up.'
>"Remember Dashie, you can't hide those sneaky little thoughts from me. I made all of them in the first place!"
>"You're afraid of yourself, I see now. If you can't find some "bad guy" to hack up, who's to say you wont turn on those poor villagers, right?"
'............'

>>29051055
>"You've already taken yourself past being a simple pony, so why wouldn't you? What do you even do besides kill other creatures? If those ponies knew what you've done I'm your illustrious career so far, they'd drive you away with pitchforks and torches."
>"But you don't really care about that, do you? After all, what kind of a monster cares about the ponies it kills?"
'What?'
>"Don't play dumb, you already know it well. I make the thoughts, but you're the one who entertains them. You're a monster. You don't deserve to call yourself a pony any longer."
>"What type of simple pony strives only to mow down those in the way of a paycheck? What type of pony only ever feels good when they've got at least and arrow or two in their body, or when they're chopping through another herd of creatures?"
'Shut up already! You never just shut up!'
>"Of course not. I'll be here as long as you are. After all, I am your only friend. It takes a monster to keep a monster company after all."
"I SAID SHUT UP!!"
>The lone shout travels through the valley, your rage echoing endlessly off your surroundings.
>Scoffing, you swollow your wild feelings and trudge onwards to your destination.
>You try to entertain other thoughts to pass the time, but you can still feel it in your mind, licking at their edges like a flame.
>Even insanity was a better fate than that, so you turned back to the valley.
>After walking for what seemed like hours and loosing count of the birds that flew over head once you reached the hundreds, you decide to give your weary legs a short rest.
>You spy a small hill in the distance and decide it's peak looks like as good a spot as any to rest your tired body.
>Making the short climb to the top, you drop to the floor with a dull thud, drowned out by the rambling of your armor shifting.
>The rest feels good on your hooves, and your back was beginning to ache from all the walking.

>>29051074
>You flop on to your back, resting your head on both forelegs as you stare up into the nearly empty sky.
>The sun had already started descending from its usual place above, and a few lonely stars were coming out for their nightly performance.
>All of them seemed to exist in groups, save for a single star.
>It hovered right above you, completely alone in the growing darkness.
>It's glow seemed much dimmer than the others, simply existing amongst it's brethren.
>You could only chuckle at the star and it's well placed irony as you sat up, relieving your back from the armor digging into your skin.
>As you sat up however, you could see a distant glow in the dusk air, painting the surrounding grass a shade of orange.
>It looked to be....
>....a fire.
>Staining your eyes, you can barely make out a roaring fire, surrounded by a hazy number of ponies.
>It could be deer or Changlings though, it was too far away for your tired eyes to tell.
>You make your way back down the hill, crossing over the path and cutting through the thick fields of grass towards the light.
>The lengthy blades block your path, desperately clinging to you legs, hindering each step as you press on to the fire, drawn to it like a moth.
>You try to peer over the eye level grass, shakily navigating to the flame through the growing darkness.
>As you grow closer, faint voices can be heard over the swaying sea of flora and the crackle of dry wood consumed by the heat.
>You duck down, lowering your head beneath the grass and looking through the tiny gaps as you approach the group around the fire.
>They had managed to create a clearing, a wide circle of dirt marking their camp, surrounded by the army of grass.
>You counted ten stallions sitting around the fire, each watching in amusement as one began to play some sort of instrument.
>Their coats were all bare, but you could easily make out a few pieces of armor scattered around the encampment, most joined by a sheathed sword or bow.

>>29051083
>You were still assessing the group when a dark grey stallion stepped into view, calling the attention of the group.
>That was him.
>That was stallion who attacked you in the woods, you were sure of it.
>You were angry with yourself that you hadn't noticed it before, but this is clearly the group of ponies you were looking for.
>The one you set out to kill.
>A wild grin splits across your face as you begin to formulate a game plan, though those don't usually make it past the "attack" step.
>You make a move to grab your sword, but immediately cringe as your movement generates a loud sway of the grass.
>Everypony in the circle suddenly freezes, all eyes trained on your position.
>You can hardly pay attention to them any longer with the feeling rushing through your body.
>Your sword made a glorious noise as it slid out of it's sheath, the kind of sound that only becons violence.
>The urge to fight was coursing through every fiber of your being, swelling in your mind.
>It had been so long, over a week now.
>Maybe that thing in your head was right, maybe you were a monster.
>None of that mattered right now though, moral inhibitions were all but a distant feeling to you now, chased away to the far reaches of your mind.
>Everypony was already on their hooves, slinking over to their respective weapons as they listen to the grass, watching for any movement.
>Times like these were what you loved the most.
>It was too similar to a wolf stalking his prey, the inescapable urge to rip into the unsuspecting creatures just within the glow of the fire was the only thing holding you up right now.
>There were no complex worries to think about, just survival and swinging your sword around.
>It seemed to be the only thing you were ever good at, and you relish every second of it.
>After retrieving his sword from his pile, a scrawny looking pegusus lifts slowly into the air, peering over the tall grass.

>>29051089
>You anxiously grip your own blade in your hoof, lowering your haunches to spring forward.
>"I dunno boss, I can't see anyt-"
>You couldn't wait any longer.
>Every muscle in you was on fire, just begging to move.
>You could even feel yourself licking your lips, eager to attack.
>All this burning need manifests itself in to an ear piercing roar, erupting from your throat as you launch into the air.
>The midair stallion is caught completely off guard, even dropping his sword in terror as you lift into the air, almost too fast to see.
>You easily ram your shoulder into his defenseless midsection, a cocktail of fluids spewing out of his mouth as you hit his stomach like a brick wall.
>The two of you arch through the air as you push him forward, spinning a full ninety degrees.
>You let go of the paralysed stallion, letting him drop straight to the floor with a dull thud as you continue to spin through the air.
>Your hooves contact the floor fluidly, giving way for your perfectly executed roll.
>By the time you're back on your hooves with your sword in hand, none of the ponies had even had the chance to move other than the unfortunate victim of your first attack who was now laying on the floor motionless.
>You were at the other edge of their circle now, all of your combatants clamoring for their weapons in shock.
>The leader of the group tries to open his mouth, but you've already given them too much time to prepare.
>You shot forward like a bullet, rearing your forelegs upwards and cocking your sword back on your shoulder, gripping the pommel feverishly.
>As you approach the first of the group you execute a wide overhead slash, slicing through his cheek and barrel in one clean movement.
>His howls of pain rip through the night as he blindly flails his club toward your head, blood spurting from his wound.
>Your guard easily blocks the attack, giving you a perfect shot at his throat.
>You thrust your blade forward, piercing the soft skin and tendons.

>>29051098
>He immediately drops to the floor, attempting to move for a few seconds before falling silent.
>The entire group looks on at their two fallen comrades in silent shock before fixating their eyes upon you, full of terror and anger.
>You once clean armor was already bloodsoaked, but your lust for the stuff was still unending.
>Finally coming to their senses the group of ponies attacks, weapons held high with their bravado hanging on their numbers.
>They all rush your position, filling in any path of escape with more bodies for you to cut through.
>Deciding to start on the right side, you drop your sword into a mid guard and charge forward, closing the distance between you and your attackers.
>Everything was a haze to you now, but it all felt so natural, so clear at the same time.
>You could barely make out the stallion making a wide swing down on your head, but you could counter attack perfectly.
>You thrust your blade through his reared-up body like paper, the thin metal sliding straight through his coat.
>Before the stallion cam even begin to collapse on you, you shift your weight against your sword, jutting it to the left.
>The false edge makes a jagged cut through his body, slicing out to his side, a cascade of red liquid following.
>You put all your force into a horizontal swing, ramming your sword into the nearest stallion.
>It hits his helmet with a metallic resonance, dropping him to the floor in a torrent of yelps and screams while clutching his ear.
>You felt completely invincible now with these two stallions crumpled at your hooves, none of these ponies could even touch you.
>The fear of death had long since been suppressed in your mind, replaced only with the need for more bloodshed.
>Maybe you were a monster, but your own morality was the furthest thing from your battle crazed mind.
>An arrow whizzes by your chest, scratching against your armor as it flies past.
>The bowman responsible stands behind the fire, readying another shot.

>>29051112
>You focus your attention on him, darting beneath the angry swing of a short sword, aiming straight for the roaring fire.
>Archers were the bane of any swordsman, it was too difficult to focus on your attackers while doing arrows.
>A stallion brandishing a rather large battle axe blocked your path around the fire, but you were already moving too fast to stop.
>Tucking your hooves beneath you, you dive straight into the fire, planting your hooves on the roaring embers.
>The flames lick at your legs, consuming anything they can grasp.
>The heat was nothing compared to what was in your mind as you left through the flames, so their affect did little to hinder you.
>Pushing off the fire you slam into the panicked archer, landing on his muzzle with your sword.
>The both of you went to the floor, and you manage to land on your stomach with your sword tucked underneath you.
>You can hear the heavy hoofsteps of a stallion behind you, and the grunt escaping his lips as he swings his heavy axe.
>You quickly roll over to your back, letting your sword pull you through the motion as you spin.
>The heavy axehead thuds into the ground right where your head was less than a second before, burying itself entirely.
>The tip of your blade slices right through the stallion's throat, propelled by your movement.
>He immediately drops the axe, clutching his throat with a gut-wrenching gurgle as he staggers backwards, falling to the ground still writhing.
>You stand from the floor, much slower this time as the sweat drips from your forehead.
>Your body burns with a conflicting mixture of exhaustion and ambition, but it was far too late to give up.
>You had already hacked your way through six of the group, there were only four timid ponies left now.
>The quivering group looks on with terror as you raise your sword, cackling while you point it directly at them.
"So, which one of you is next? I don't really feel like stopping quite yet."

>>29051126
>The leader of the group bares his teeth, lifting his polearm and charging.
>"Monster! We'll kill you!"
>Filled with bravado and wanton bloodlust, you throw your sword to the floor, disarming yourself voluntarily.
>The stallion thrusts his spear at your chest, the sharp tip barely discernable in the night time air.
>A small tinge of fear shoots up your spine as the metal slashes through your skin, only giving you a short second to move out of danger.
>You dodge to the side, grabbing the extended wooden staff and driving your knee through it, shattering the worn wood.
>The front half has a familiar weight in your hoof as you turn to the paralyzed stallion, another powerful roar bursting from your lungs.
>You drive the shining tip into the barrel of his chest, digging the pole in up to your hoof.
>The stallion gasps for a moment, slumping against you as the blood begins to fall from the gaping wound.
>You grimace in disgust, letting the pony fall to the floor as you wipe off your hoof in the dirt.
>Seeing their leader killed, the three remaining demoralized stallions turn and sprint for the tall grass, hoping to lose you.
>You quickly tear the helmet off the leader and launch it into the air, watching as it gracefully hurdles through the air and slams into the head of an escaping stallion.
>By the time he hits the floor you're already on the group, utilizing your flight to tackle another one into the floor.
>You slam his face into the dirt, giving the back of his head two swift punches.
>Making sure he's not going to get back up, you nearly miss the sword hurtling down on your head.
>You lift your foreleg, catching his crossbar on your extended limb as you thrust the other into his exposed stomach.
>The impact makes him drop his sword, hunching over to clutch his bruised mid section.
>You grab his lowered head in both hooves and slam your knee into the edge of his jaw, spit flying through the air as he drops to the floor.

>>29051136
>Wasting no time you leap to your hooves and brace yourself for the next attack, but none come.
>Only bodies surround you, a puddle of blood no longer home to combatants.
>Slowly coming down from your frenzy, you pick up the nearest sword and quickly dispatch each of the three unconscious stallions, leaving no opportunities for revenge.
>You groggily wander over to the fire, dropping to the floor in exhaustion.
>Sweat trickles from your body to mix with the blood, not all of which is your own.
>A lump forms in your throat as you look at your surroundings, at this graveyard which was once a campsite.
>You raise a hoof to your face, breathing heavily while you attempt to hold your breakfast down.
>"Well, look at that. You've down it again, haven't you?"
'Leave me alone.'
>"You see, most ponies would laugh at the thought of attacking ten armed and dangerous bandits by themselves, but not the great Rainbow Dash, right?"
>"That's easy stuff for you. And it should be after all, considering."
'What?'
>"Well, you heard it yourself. They called you a monster. Not a pony, not a bastard, asshole, bitch, or whatever a thug calls someone they hate. A monster."
'Leave me alone! I'm not, I know I'm a pony.'
>"Looking at all this devastation. Ponies would be terrified of you if they saw this, and they'd consider you insane if you even told this story. You can lie to all of them if you want, slamming all this was for revenge. But you and I know the truth."
>"You saw an opportunity to kill again, and you took it. They never even took your bag in the first place, you left it back at that clearing where you first stopped."
>"I'm not going anywhere Dashie, it's a long walk back to the village."
>You slowly stand to your hooves, fetching your sword and starting back to the village.
>"After all, even a monster needs some company."

>>29051144
I'm interested to see what you guys have to say about this section. I feel like I gave Dash a lot of development, but I'm worried I made it all too edgy. Thin line, as you know.

>>29051164
Honestly? The writing is good, but character development seems like a secondary or even tertiary priority compared to just getting in another fight scene and driving home the insanity bit. Unless that was the character development? In which case, I wouldn't consider it "a lot." Is it edgy? Yes. A bit too edgy? Probably yes. Does that need to be changed? That depends on how you want this story to go.

Don't get me wrong though, it's a good story and you're a talented writer. But if character development was a priority here, it may not have delivered.

>>29051083
>It's glow seemed much dimmer than the others, simply existing amongst it's brethren.
Used the wrong form twice in one line. Should be "its." Reeee learn2grammar and all that.

Once again, to the top.

>>29051238
I'm curious as to what parts of it were too edgy.

Yes that's really all their is to her at this point. The story will be going on for quite some time, I haven't even reached the conflict yet. She'll get a ton of things added in later on, but for now the only real facets of her personality are an aptitude for combat and partial insanity.

>>29051801
There*
I swear to illiterate I'm not Celestia

>>29032756
>>29039589
Sorry, I'm not ignoring you. I'll give you my thoughts on these tomorrow as well.

I want to improve my form and expand my horizons. Help.

>>29050767
because Anon stories should be written in 2nd person
>Even for non-Anon stories
it's cancer, I can agree with it.

>>29053723
There is literally nothing wrong with 2nd person.

>>29054941
only if a 2nd person is (you) but not a random main character.
imho.

bump with my piece of shit writing. any thoughts?

http://pastebin.com/U9RBTEkA

Quick save

>>29055113
Too many periods. Try to set up more multi-clausal (I think that's the correct word) sentences, otherwise it just seems choppy. Commas are your friend.

If it was written in greentext format it would be slightly more admissable, but since it's in paragraph format, it should be changed.

>>29052853
Explain what you mean.

>>29056997

>>29056303
I'm working on your critique right now.

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>>29058276
Greatly appreciated! I just updated it, but feel free to skip over the new portion. I'm more concerned with general, repeated mistakes than anecdotal problems (although both, of course, should be rectified)

>>29058527
Oh, okay. I just skimmed it, and will alter the appropriate pieces of my critique, which was finished a minute ago.

>>29058527
Once this got off the ground, it was really good. I liked your description the most, especially of the library, and your attention to detail regarding the way the world works, and how Anon works in it, was also quite good. Lines 89, 124, and 172 stood out to me in that way.

You have a good foundation on which to keep writing, more or less, but there are a couple issues that are apparent to me as well. Right at the beginning, Anon’s fascination with the origins of magic seems to have no basis, no reason for existing. Why does he care so much about where magic comes from? Curiosity is one thing, and even a more professional curiosity from someone who can design a car motor from memory (a little hokey that he can do that, might I add) is something I can understand, but why is he so ready to take off for Starswirl’s tower? I would think he would first want to see if he could get an audience with the princesses, or one of them. This story’s beginning reminded me strongly of a different story that I’ve encountered, and it had the same problem. You’re so set on the way you want the plot to go, you forgot to give your characters good reason to do the things you want them to do. 1/?

>>29058702
You don’t dwell on his reason too much, which makes the reading okay, but it also means that his weak motivation to go to the tower in the first place becomes weaker still, and the story seems to be more them exploring a cool area and learning about their world. As far as that goes, you did it well, and you had me interested all the way through; it comes across as a well-done slice of life, but I’m not certain that slice of life is what you’re going for. If it is, then keep it up, but, if not, I think adjusting Anon’s motivations at the start will go a long way to fixing that. Twilight’s are fine, though you could stand to flesh them out a little more as well. That need not be early on; you can do it perfectly fine later in the story. Since hers is the more understandable reason to tag along, your story shouldn’t suffer any from waiting to talk about it in depth.

It should be done, though; I don’t want it to sound like Twilight’s motivation to explore Starswirl’s crib is expendable. It’s surely less vital than Anon’s, but it will be a useful facet of her character to explore, as well as a potential germ of commonality for them to bond over—or conflict to fight over.

I find a believability issue in Anon’s motivation as well, and a lot of that comes from how he behaves once he finally reaches the tower. Seems to me, if he’s curious and adventurous enough to propose the expedition in the first place, and then spearhead the thing, then he also won’t be as easily distracted once he gets there. I suppose the tower could be just that spectacular, but that’s a cop out. Again, for Twilight, it’s a bit less of an issue, as she is well known to get caught up in that sort of thing, but I don’t know much about this Anon aside from the fact that he has a better head on his shoulders than most. 2/?

>>29058729
This loops back to a general lack of definition in Anon’s character. He’s adventurous, but why, and why in this one way only? He’s good at preparing, but why not thinking ahead enough to find the easier solution I outlined in my second paragraph? It would be less interesting to write, sure, but if you’re sacrificing that internal consistency to get the plot up and running, you should also be sacrificing your less gripping details, like the historical and architectural stuff. A cool adventure story is great, and a thought out exploration story is great, but mixing the two styles lends itself to strange conflicts of tone.

On line 85, Twilight says that they searched his tower when Starswirl turned up missing. That being the case, why is there so much unpublished material still in there? You touched on the possibility that Celestia is keeping it a secret for an unknown reason, and, if that’s true, then there are some problems there as well; I’ll get to them in a moment. Assuming, however, that Celestia is not holding back any information, there’s no reason for the tower to be in such an untouched state as when they find it. Keeping in mind that, at the time of his death, ponies would not be giving much thought to the place’s future historical significance, they would have no reason to be circumspect with his papers. His gadgets, sure, but not the books or papers. They might even hold a key to his fate. 3/?

>>29058766
Moreover, if he’s the genius, ultra-powerful wizard that he’s said to be, then those looking for him would, one, be ponies who are damn good at their jobs, and, two, ponies who know a lot about him. There would be searches of the tower itself for anomalous magical spells, or signs of magic gone awry; there would be combing through books and papers, as I stated above; and Celestia might even pop in herself to assist with the search. By the time he was given up for dead, and his tower relegated to historical landmark, it would be too late to restore it to its once lived-in state.

However, let’s say that Celestia knows there’s some information in there that she does not want seeing the light of day. Why let Twilight and her gangly friend go in? You said that Anon wrote her a letter, to no response, so it could be that there’s no threat in their visit, but I also know how easy it would be for you to say that the letter never went through due to some magical interference in the tower, or she didn’t reach it in time, or whatever; there are plenty of reasons for her to not want them in that tower, but to have not responded to their letter. It would still call into question why they were allowed to go at all, even with what you just added on, with so few knowing about the secret library. Would Celestia really not expect Twilight to find her way inside, given the method by which she ascended to divinity? Solving the unsolvable is Twilight’s bread and butter, and I can’t imagine that Celestia is blind to that. 4/?

>>29058789
Even if Twilight didn’t ask her permission to set out, she would have still needed to inform Celestia that she would be going somewhere for an extended period of time, and I doubt she kept her whereabouts from her friends, so there’s five sources of information for the sun goddess as well, if she starts wondering where her former pupil got off to. Additionally, Twilight used her royal permissions to get herself and Anon a cozy train ride all alone; that would have registered somewhere in Canterlot.

So, either she shouldn’t be there, in which case nothing was done to stop her or inform her of her folly, or she’s searching a previously searched area that bears no mark of that fact. Neither of these things makes much sense. Your idea on having notes about the information contained in the tower being scoured upon egress is a good one, and it will explain a lack of published material outside, but there’s still the state of the living space, and why materials contained therein are just lying around. Fixing this conflict could be difficult, depending on which direction you want to take it. If Celestia’s guarding something, you’ll need to insert some obstacles to keep Twilight and her friend from getting too close. If it was once searched, you’ll need to make the tower less immediately useful as a historical reference. These things will have their implications for the story as well, but I’m not going to go into them here; it would be way too far off the subject, and there’s no point to it at this time, since I have no idea where your intentions lie. 5/6

>>29058809
The majority of my critique covers those two things. As I said, once it got going, it was good. You have a habit of making asides in the middle of character interactions, which I don’t care for. Line 169 is an example; it’s totally unnecessary. Same with lines 309-310, and 354-356. Especially with that last set, I wondered whether there’s a confidence issue. You’re not comfortable writing sudden, unexpected changes, and so try to dull the impact with witticisms. Am I in the ballpark?

Even though Anon was insubstantial, I liked his double act with Twilight. They came across as friends who aren’t particularly close, but working on it, and that’s a nice spot to be in, especially for a story that has them schlepping out to the middle of nowhere. I will tell you, and I have seen this before to disastrous effect, if they start having sex out of nowhere, you’re looking at a train wreck. Just in case you’re considering it, you’ll need a lot of preparation before that can be integrated smoothly.

Overall, I liked it a lot, but you’re going to need to work on Anon’s early character and the tower’s consistency problems, and get them straight soon. For now, since the story is just starting (or so it appears), there’s not much to hurt with issues like that, but the longer it goes on, the harder it will be for you to keep your story together. Think of them as hairline fractures: treated now, it’s not so bad, but put more story on them, and you could split the whole thing wide open. I’ve seen that happen too, and it isn’t a pretty sight. 6/6

>>29032756
Oh yeah, this is a lot better. Much better job on the name conflict; you kept it relevant without overextending it. You did a good job with Drifter grilling JD about his murder plan as well, but I think he still let it drop a little easily when JD threatened to completely clam up. I envision Drifter saying that JD's responses will be taken into very careful consideration, or something like that, something to imply that he's not off the hook about it.

I saw your reply in the earlier thread. If you want to indicate passage of time in a transcript like this, you can get away with just straight up writing that time elapses. Alternatively, you can say that the letter is contained in another report, published as an addendum to the present one. You never have to show it, but telling the reader of its existence makes the thing more concrete, something that was processed and filed away, as the transcript they are reading.

>>29039589
Not bad. There's not much to say at this point, but I can see it going somewhere reasonably interesting. It's a little odd that you regressed Luna's age, but I'm not hung up about it. You did a good job of making her into the type of sniveling, self-pitying beginning writer that high schools breed, so good job on that. If you continue it, I hope you don't let her drop that persona easily.

Be sure to capitalize every sentence, not just some of them, and you need to have punctuation at the end of quotes, usually a comma. Extra to that, watch out for overusing adverbs on your attributives. Having Dash snicker rudely in the last post is unnecessary; her sarcasm is quite apparent. Just say "snickers."

Also, that final line makes it sound like Anon is really seeing this backpack returning adventure as a date, and he's resigning himself to it. There's no reason for him to think that, and no reason for you to imply it. If they're going to date, let it come up later, not right away.

>>29058827
This is excellent, and more helpful than you can imagine. Thank you.

>>29059029
You're welcome. I can be even more helpful if I give it a second critique when it's all finished. There's a lot that I talk about for complete stories that I cannot for works in progress.

>>29058827
Also, while several of the holes and issues you outlined were indeed failures on my part, some of them I plan to flesh out and expand upon later in the story. I almost feel bad because the bulk of an entire post is intentionally unfilled now, and will be filled in as time goes on. The issue with Anon's character and motivation, however, is a grievous mistake. I feel like that could potentially be patched in a later scene, where Twilight or another character calls these motivations into question, or would it be best to revisit earlier content and add to it? (Something I rarely do, but will if necessary)

>>29059109
I think you can probably patch it. It should be early enough to do that still.

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>10

>>29058989
Thanks for the advice! I didn't notice that resigning issue at the end, but now that you point it out it's actually pretty obvious. I'll keep working on it and try to keep my caps and punctuation more consistent.

This was all kind of just a dry run for creative writing if I'm being honest. I haven't written anything besides academic papers in over three years. But, now that I know I'm not a total shitshow, I'll be sure to stay with it! Thanks again for the critique.

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>10
>again
Guys. I won't do that again.

>>29061744
Yes you will

>>29062370
He is the hero this thread needs, but not the one it deserves.

Relevant video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25IhfWRO4Rk

>>29060586
You're welcome. I'm happy to help.

>>29065230
Hey, little guy. Care to read over a short incomplete story? I know that's not what you prefer, but I'm stuck going forward, and I promised some readers that I would start back up soon. I was hoping that if you point out what the story's lacking so far, it'll give me a goal to move forward to.

>>29065274
Yeah, I can do that. Hit me with a link.

>>29065274
If he doesn't, I will. Post a link and I'll give it a look over (although I'm not nearly as good as he at this sort of thing).

>>29065332
http://pastebin.com/wBeFgeQz
Here you are. Don't be afraid to rake it over the coals. I need to get back in the swing of writing.

>>29065382
I remember this! I remember thinking it was quite good and being disappointed that no further updates came, but I'll give it some nit-picking now.

Now, I'm not as good at reviewing overall content as I am at sentence structure and flow, but overall the themes and ideas here work well and have solid potential. Your characterization of Clear Skies is believable at worst, although Anon is a slightly blanker slate. Not necessarily a bad thing, he is an Anon. I realize that keeping Anon's waifu ambiguous is difficult, but it really does add to the writing and is more than an aesthetic touch. Well done there.

Your flow is also overall good, without many issues in structure or temporal spacing. However, you do seem to have some phrasing issues. Line 80 stands out as unnatural, and it's a transition sentence, which isn't good. Your sentence structure overall is... erratic? Not sure if that's the right word, but there seems to be little transition between long, flowing sentences and short, single clauses. These are forgivable and even unnoticeable in most cases, but something to watch for. Lines 156-188 are a good example of this. Note that I'm not talking about dialogue, which is fine. Just compare the lengths of each line across your story, there is little pattern or continuity. When read, these kinds of flaws are easily dismissed, but an oral reading can often help to identify exactly why this can be problematic. Keep in mind that I'm low on sleep (read through about 25k lines of old green the past 2 nights) and this may be cranky, unnecessary bitching.

Overall, however, it's very well-written and certainly above most standards of this board. Your knack for storytelling and scene/character development is superior to my own, as are other elements of your writing.

>>29065471
Any feedback is appreciated, man. Thanks for your thoughts!

>>29065382
I can have a critique for this tomorrow, if you'd like it in addition to what Handsome Jew said.

>>29065963
Yes, please.

Just a quick goodnight bump

>>29066192
And another one, just in case

>>29058909
Addendum report is a quality idea. A time lapse that isn't a time lapse, why didn't I think of that?

I'll do a bit of tweaking to the parts that steer the conversation into new points, I think. Try and make the segues more smooth.

Thanks for your advice.

>>29028192
I'm not sure what compelled me to actually complete this story, but I've invested quite a bit of time into it, regardless. Hopefully, it isn't too boring and shitty:
(pastebin, if desired: http://pastebin.com/6Du4mADQ)

-Monday-
>What a shitty way to start the week
>Monday always has that thought coming around, though
>Too bad it won't disappear forever
>Maybe if it did, you'd be trapped in a sci-fi time-loop where you'd never have to work your job ever again
>You can't bring to words how much you've grown to detest that place and everyone that works there
>What cruel fate handed you the go-to-jail card?
>However, it didn't look like a jail card, at first
>The work description was simple, with qualifications that finally fit you
>Never before have you jump so fast on an opportunity
>There was hope
>Hope that weekday mornings wouldn't hold your body to the bed, weighed down with emotional iron
>Hope that friends, if only a few, may finally return to your sad existence
>It was supposed to be the answer you sought for so long
>"The one" to kick you into gear, forcing in the light of a satisfying adult life
>But too bad though
>The universe had a different plan
>Once fun tasks became mundane, ever repeating and changing only when corporate saw necessary
>The repetition, like a sculptor, carved away at your five-day stationary body, slowly chipping away the shell of enthusiasm
>On the social side, your coworkers grew to avoid contact, mirroring your antisocial actions when first hired
>And while it started coming from just you, jokes and banter always had dashes of spite and annoyance from all sides
>They are all irritating, anyway
>The company vs Anon: The troll of the office
>But the day is over, and you're home

>>29067405
(Also, for some reason, I didn't add periods to the end of sentences, so I kept it that way for consistency)

>As you open the door to your apartment that's nestled in a crappy neighborhood, a destiny chosen from the high price of living alone, your one excuse for life charges at you
>Dropping down to embrace, the small pony collides into your arms
>The soft fur melts away the exhaustion from the day
>If only the sands of time would halt, pausing so you could eternally enjoy the affection
>But the sun still sets, and night will take its place, pushing forward another day

-Tuesday-
>Your boss had you suddenly come into his office this morning
>It was a conventional space, by office standards
>The walls were a rather ugly shade of green, covered with company posters and motivational quotes
>A single, large desk claimed dominance over the floor with a chair in front and his fancier throne behind
>The carpeted floor honestly looked a lot more comfortable than your seat
>Apparently, you're here because someone overheard a rather crude remark that was shot from under your breath
>The snitch is unknown, but you have a gut feeling that your sly remark to the chatterbox girl who wouldn't shut up earlier is the culprit
>Your voice was obviously a little too loud
>He explained that such profanities were a violation of company policy, and that you could get fired for it
>If one of your coworkers was in this situation, they would be in a tizzy, but you just sit there, apathetic yet annoyed, impatiently waiting for the lecture and day to conclude
>Now, five hours later, you're walking home in the rain, cold and swearing
>It wasn't supposed to rain
>In fact, it feels so cold, it may as well start snowing
>At least the snow is enjoyable
>Fortunately, you brought a waterproof jacket, but your bag isn't so lucky

>>29067418
>Attempts to keep it from getting drenched fail, as the pregnant skies pour with a ferocity
>Your shoes feel like a portable swamp, and your pants, nearly just as soaked, darken, adding on more water
>Finally, after traveling approximately two miles from your bus stop, home is within reach
>You work at pulling out your keys, simultaneously brainstorming on how you’re going to keep everything inside from getting wet
>Removing your jacket is a good start
>The outward covering above the row of doors is keeping the immediate ground dry, so you drop it beside the entrance
>Once in, the pants go down and are placed atop your bag
>They are lackadaisically thrown into the tiny laundry room, located just left upon stepping inside
>You look around
>Where on earth is your pony?
>She is normally waiting at the door
>Not bothering with putting on a new pair of pants, you scan the apartment
>Being so small, it wasn't difficult to spot her
>Across the room to the left, she's sleeping on a blanket that's covering the couch, peaceful and calm
>Careful not to disturb her, you tiptoe your way over and slide under
>Reclining into a spooning position, she continues to rest, now against your stomach
>She was never a very active pony, even when first arriving into your life
>The days are usually spent lying around, casually liquidating the hours to leisure
>But you know that doesn't detract from her quality of life
>It's a life lived in bliss
>A life of satisfaction and joy brought from your company
>And that pleasure is what matters the most
>Now cozy yourself, you gingerly start stroking her fur
>Starting from the neck, the ends of her silky but slightly messy, dark blue hair, almost black even, glide off your hand, making way for the pale blue coat to slip underneath
>Upon reaching her tail, a similar silky mess, you restart, the movement like clockwork

>>29067425
>Each completed brush gradually takes the place of your clock's hands, manually setting the speed of time themselves
>The only time that's this precious to you
>Comfortable, the hunger that poked at you before to eat dies down
>Instead, you flick on the TV, the volume still low from the night before
>News from your local community lightly whispers events from the day
>Uninterested, you peer back down at your motionless friend
>She's always so quiet when sleeping, never making so much as a peep
>Even though hearing light whinnies occasionally slipping out would warm your heart like nothing else, you can't complain
>Not about this
>It's all you have

-Wednesday-
>You take a millionth glance at the time on your computer
>Almost done
>Eight hours has dragged on heavy today
>For whatever reason, finding focus has been a near impossible task
>Routinely, you stop to take a breather, attempt to get back on track, and then fall off again
>Dulling out the boredom with getting lost in the job just is not happening
>Your restless legs sure don't help either, but it feels like something more
>You have little desire to dedicate thought to the tick, though
>Because there's only one thought that feeds your mind:
>With each minute that passes, you're one step closer to cuddling with your pony
>Picturing her smiling face pushes you through the home stretch
>With 20 minutes left, and much to your dismay, your boss saunters over to your office room, holding a beat-up clipboard
>Barely moving your body, you turn your head over to see what he could possibly want
>His face, seated above a monkey suit, is not carrying good news
>How badly will this end
>Standing tall, he delivers the misfortune
>"Hey, Anon, sorry for telling you this so late, but I need you to stay for another hour. We've had some delays lately, and this project needs to be finished."
>No fucking way

>>29067428
"Really? Leaving in an hour is going to put me right smack in the middle of rush hour traffic. Are you sure no one else is available?"
>"No, you're the only one. I'll see to it that you're paid time and a half for it, though, but I really need you to stay a bit longer."
>You sigh passive aggressively, lacking the energy to fight back
"Whatever."
>That triggers him to fire off a critical judgment before returning to his own duties, murmuring something you can't care less about
>Waiting for him to disappear, you lean back in your chair.
>With a now 0% desire to even lift a finger, the computer screen engulfs your vision, a canvas to paint a picture of any world but the one you're currently trapped in
>You'll work on this more tomorrow
…
>The door unlocks
>Upon swinging it open, you flip on the light, and your mini horse is sitting with an unwavering patience
>The built up anger slips away
>You kneel down and lift her into your arms, hugging tightly onto the love radiating from her heart
>Her muzzle nuzzles into your cheek
>Fighting with all the strength in your body, your legs bring themselves back to standing
>Tempted to go straight to the couch, you yell at yourself internally to bypass that trap
>Instead, you seat yourself at your desktop PC, turning it on, and work an arm around the pony that has settled herself on your lap
>Beeps and blips chirp from the computer as it boots up
>Your hand habitually begins petting as the machine decides when it wants to load the home screen
>After about a minute, you stop and type in your password, then load up Internet Explorer
>It's well known that there are better options, but a fondness has grown for the clunky program, over the years
>You type in "Craigslist" into the search bar, not sure of where else to start
"Time to find something different."

>>29067435
-Thursday-
>Your blurry vision slowly comes into focus, the morning's window-filtered sunlight dancing in pools caught by sleepy eyelashes
>Wait?
>Sunlight!
>Your heart blasts a beat out of existence, and the air solidifies into stone
>Every organ goes from zero to a hundred
>You thrash your head around to see your clock, desperately hoping its red, digital text is not off
>You stare in disbelief
>It's an hour past when you were supposed to get up
>Again
>Profanities spew from your mouth with such intensity that even the most liberal of jobs would have fired you without a flinch
>Blankets mummify your pony as you bolt out of bed, neck 'n' neck with the speed of sound, and your face nearly meets the floor with the grace of a hippo
>Recovering, you grab your phone and investigate as to why it didn't wake you
>The device remains black when clicked
>Shit, you forgot to charge it
>Piece of crap is dead
>You fumble with the charger, still stuck in the outlet
>Not even bothering to untangle it, you plug the bastard in
>Life flows through the phone's circuits, light re-emitting from the screen
>You were kind of hoping it just stopped working overnight, giving you an excuse for being late
>Should have gotten a clock with a built in alarm too
>Still being nearly naked, the teeth of the cold, sun-starved air bite at you hard enough to finally prompt getting dressed
>Fresh clothes are sporadically yanked from the closet, your body shivering
>The panic makes putting them on akin to a WWE fight
>If only this, too, was fake
>With the wrestling match won, you dash out of your room and go straight to shifting through the pantry to find something that can be eaten in as few bites as possible
>Dry cereal
>Your default
>You drill into the box and begin stuffing your cheeks like a rabid chipmunk
>With eat cheek ready to burst, you run over and quickly dig through your bag to make sure you have everything necessary

>>29067440
>And wouldn't ya know, the wallet is missing
>You try cursing, but bits of cereal just fly out of your mouth, littering the floor
>You'll clean that later
>Instead, the apartment is immediately searched
>Every space without the wallet drives your anxiety higher and higher
>The two longest minutes of your life pass before discovering it under your computer monitor
>Trying to be prepared last night, you thought that having your information ready would be smart
>You were looking for jobs after all
>Fuck, what were you thinking
>Nothing, that's what, being so dead from overtime
>It's propelled into your bag and then you're propelled out the door, almost forgetting to lock your home
>Doing your best to balance running with not becoming a sweaty mess, regrets for staying up so late manifests with a vengeance
>This is why you avoid your computer like the plague at night
>After unsuccessfully searching for jobs, you veered off course and ended up on YouTube and shitposting on 4chan, leaving four hours for sleep
>Four hours is not enough for you to function on
>And then to have nearly run on top of it...
>You finally reach the peak of the last hill before the straight stretch to your bus stop
>Going to check the bus's ETA, your chest suffers another blow from a pounding heart
>…
>SHIT
>In your hurry, you forgot your phone at home
>Just perfect
>Where is that meteor that NASA says is going to crash into Earth?

>The bus stop in front of your job comes into view
>You've kept your grip tight on a vertical bar connected to the first seat next to the door, remaining standing the whole time
>A complete opposite to the sleeping-on-the-back-of-the-bus guy you typically are
>The AC's also been dripping cold air down your face and neck the whole time
>Why the drivers reserve warm air for only the absolute coldest of days and otherwise blow Antarctica is beyond you

>>29067445
>Albeit a freezing human icicle, this is probably the first time you've ever stood up for an entire morning bus commute
>Maybe the other passengers interpret that as eagerness from a real go-getter
>But really, sitting down would just agitate your nerves even more
>Every inch closer to being out is an inch worth taking
>Inertia suddenly pulls your body forward as the vehicle slows down
>Other people begin piling up behind you and form what can barely be called a line
>Normally being the last one, heading the conglomerate rustles up unease
>With a final jolt as it halts, moving everyone in tandem, the gates to freedom hiss and swing open
>You are the first one off by a mile
>With the legs of an Olympian sprinter and the sound of concrete slapping beneath your shoes, about 50 feet and two flights of stairs between the stop and the building are covered with record time
>For you, that is
>Finally, slowing down as to not crash, you come face-to-face with the main entrance, solid and white and only decorated with the company logo
>The door knob slips between your clammy fingers, but, heavy to the touch, your arm is left almost immobile
>The future waiting on the other side can't be pretty
>Maybe if you walk in as if nothing happened, your boss won't notice
>However, one of your bitch coworkers will probably tattle on you
>You were just in the bathroom, that's all
>Play it cool
>Finally yanking, the metal frames pivot the door open, and you casually walk inside
>Your head remains up, but your eyes stare into nothingness, never meeting anyone's glower
>It's best to avoid the break room that holds the clock-in device
>Today's story is that clocking in slipped your mind, knowing that the boss can add your hours in later
>Passing it by, low murmurs babbling generic work conversation swipe across your ear
>With a final turn of a corner, you make it to your desk

>>29067449
>You shuffle around to get the space in order, hoping to covertly assimilate into the background without notice
>The computer awakens with a press of a key, and you plop your ass into your chair
>With each passing second of the static atmosphere, tension gently dissipates around you
>The rather surprising lack of commotion seeds hope for a day not coated in even more stress
>You feel like some kind of secret spy escaping with critical information
>Everyone is none the wiser
>"Anon,"
>In a split second, your emotional gravity pulls all the tension back down, crashing like an asteroid
>A stealthy spy you are not
>"Where have you been? You're an –hour- late."
>Once again, your boss's voice withers away seeds of hope
>You rotate your chair around to face him, trying to force out one excuse at a time
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. My phone died overnight, so its alarm didn't wake me up."
>"Really?"
>Much to your dismay, he enters your room and bends over to level his mouth with your ear
>Blood is pumped faster through already strained veins
>He lets out a minute yet heavy sigh, lowering his volume to a near whisper
>"That's no excuse. Is that still your only alarm?"
>Now, your volume matches his, fingers fidgeting
"Yeah"
>"We've talked about this before, remember? Why don't you have a backup yet?"
"I...I don’t know. I guess I'll get one tomorrow. Anyway, it's what happened. I'll just get to work right now."
>Your attempt to return to your computer is thwarted by another mouthful of belittlement
>His tone changes into something between irritated and fed up
>"I'm not done yet. I've also been trying to get a hold of you this whole time, which I shouldn't have to do. Even if it died, why didn't you call and let me know what happened? Could you not charge it or something?"

>>29067453
"Yeah, I plugged it in, but I was so focused on getting here as fast as possible that I forgot to call."
>A laugh lathered in disbelief jolts from his throat
>"Forgot? Anon, even a simple text would have worked, even on your way over"
"Well, I accidentally left it at home."
>His hand squeezes the bridge of his nose
"I told you, I was totally focused on getting here ASAP."
>You expect a response, but he's quiet
>Waiting for any word, the tick of a distant mechanical clock adds up the cumulating discomfort
>"I've told you this before. Being this late is not acceptable."
>He then gets up, back now facing you
"I know, I know, I won't let it happen again."
>Before exiting, he teases his departure by stopping and placing his hand against your work space's wall, as if preparing to depart with a final rant
>The small amount of time is spent thinking up more excuses
>Fortunately, he leaves without a breath
>You finish the day otherwise uninterrupted

-Friday-
>BUZZ BUZZ
>An all too familiar ringing bumps your sleeping conscious back into reality, prompting dreary eyes to open
>Darkness peaks through the window blinds, sprinkled with the glow of street lights
>That can only mean you woke up on time
>The slumber is rubbed from your eyes, and limbs are stretched back into use
>Flopping over to face the bed stand, your lazy arm silences the shrieking phone, and the table lamp is flicked into life
>It's an almost pleasant sensation to hear the annoying alarm this morning
>Relief, as well as a chill, trickles across your body
>Had you woken up late again, there'd be hell to pay
>Two days in a row would surely get you fired
>But you made it through another week, and regardless of what was thrown at you, it's Friday
>Finally
>You rotate back over to see if your pony has awoken too
>Remaining stable, you assume her mind is preoccupied with dreams
>What a beautiful creature
>You'll get up any time and any day for her

>>29067461
>Or try to, at the very least
>Unable to resist, your fingers give her a light ear-scratch before unshackling the bed sheets from your body and crawling onto the floor
>Running through the morning routine, your thoughts are immersed with fantasies of how to spend the weekend
>Just a few more hours before embarking on more or less two days booked full with pony snuggles
>Or maybe you'll take her outside to a park again
>While it can seem like an impossible task, you did manage to find a jacket to keep her warm
>It probably isn't necessary, but she doesn't fight it
>You whip out your phone to check the weather
>Unfortunately, stormy days and nights are forecasted
>Well, staying inside and cuddling is just as good
>That's what will most predictably end up happening anyway
>The stress from these past couple of days have taken their toll, and her fur nestled between your chest and arms is the best cure
>You can push through one more day, just for her
>Finished with your ritual, you collect your belongings, and head off to work

>A jostle from the breaking bus shakes you from a light slumber
>Groggy, your feet stand you up and drag themselves out from the back
>In contrast to yesterday's sprint, the effortless dash has returned to the regular burdensome stride of climbing a mountain
>The prison, a five-day summit, eventually meets you one-on-one
>You stare down your opponent, building up motivation
"Come on," you tell yourself. "it's only eight hours. Then, you're home free."
>After seconds, a familiar creak gives way, and you step inside
>Infiltrating the break room to punch in, you pace through the motions of the morning, clocking in and ignoring your coworkers
>However, something different breaks the cycle
>When returning to your office, none other than your boss is standing, parallel to the outside wall, erect as the dick he is
>Your attitude looks down over the edge, ready to jump
>The day hasn't even started.

>>29067464
>What could he possibly want?
"Hey," you jester with minimal emotion
>Your greeting seems to go right through him
>"Anon, I need you to come with me into my office."
>Again?
>Does he get joy out of this, or something?
"Uh, sure, just let me start up my computer."
>Attempting to enter, he blocks your path
>"No, you need to come into my office now."
>His tone of voice is different from normal, hinting to something unsettling, like a ghost haunting his tongue
>It prompts your stomach to twist and turn
"O-Okay..."
>You're lead into his dungeon, and he instructs you to close the door before taking a seat
>Now guarded behind his thrown, his hands overlap one another, the front sides of his fingers pressed just above his eyes
>Waiting in silence, you notice that the desk is clean and clear of clutter, and it appears that he hasn't even unpacked his own bag
>Maybe that means you'll be in and out of here quickly
>You'll just offer your generic responses, giving him what he wants to hear, and then return to your work
>The faster you can drown the time, the faster you'll get back home
>After a moment, he exhales from his nose, the air as thick as a swampy fog
>"There's no easy way to say this, so I'm going to be straightforward."
>His hands drop from his face
>"I'm letting you go."
>A sledgehammer smashes into your psyche, and blood flow frosts over
"W-What?"
>"I've talked about this with my higher ups, and it's been decided that you just aren't fitting in well here. The-"
>You interject
"Why? Is it because I don't get along the best with people?"
>Vivid emotion tightens your throat
"I mean, I still come in and do my job. W-Why am I being fired?"
>"I was about to tell you, and It's a combination of things. First, you've been late three times in this past month, and not once have you handled it properly."

>>29067490
"Okay, I know I'm late sometimes, but I still do the work. I get things done."
>"But being late can get you fired, and you know this, not to mention that each time was at least an hour. This is just like any other job."
"I, uh..."
>"And speaking of getting things done, you've actually been underperforming for a while. More and more of your projects are coming in late, and I've also been having to push you to complete them. Heck, even then, other employees occasionally have to pick up the slack."
>Tears crack through your efforts to remain composed
"It's..."
>Leaning forward in your chair, speaking increasingly becomes ever more difficult
"I-I know I can do this. Just tell me what I need to do differently. I swear, I will do it!"
>"Anon, please, just...just let me finish."
>You solidify
>"Now then, the final strike against you is because of the way you behave around and treat other employees. I've told you before, the way you talk to everyone here is rather unacceptable. In fact, some of the things you've been caught saying should have gotten you fired months ago."
>Speechless, he continues after a few seconds of silence
>"This isn't fun for me, but, look, every time something happened, you kind of pretended it didn't. All those problems were pushed aside, and they finally built up to the point where they finally broke. You were given many, many chances, but there's nothing I can do now. The decision has been made."
>Deflated breaths are all you can muster
>He gets up and bends down, mindlessly shuffling through his bag, obviously not wanting to confront the faint but visible tears running down your cheeks
>Face to the floor, he continues speaking
>"There's no need to stay here today. Go collect your things. If you need a bag, we have extra. I'll also have you paid until the hour."
"So..."
>A swallow interrupts you
"just...gather my stuff and go?"
>"Yeah."

>>29067492
>You want to be mad. You want to argue, but, honestly, your draining emptiness dominates
>Even if you were to force yourself to continue fighting, it'll only end in more waterworks
>It's hard enough to hold back crying now, but to inevitably crack and bawl in front of your boss isn't worth the effort
>Defeated, your body hoists itself up
>From the point of leaving your chair to exiting and closing the office door, every squeak and slide commands full attention, making sure your emotion is laid out in every movement
>Your boss remains bent down the whole time
>As you sloth yourself into your workstation, passing coworkers furtively peer at the hurt braided upon your sleeve
>Their judgmental glares fill up on your broken state
>If only you could just disappear
>You quickly close your door to have some emotional privacy
>There are only a few knick knacks and other personal decorations scattered amongst the desk
>You think about just leaving everything: none of these have much of an attachment to you
>Expect for the picture of your pony
>They are otherwise small things, like a welcome gift from one of the employees and a small clock that had long ago run out of battery
>However, knowing that any of them will be thrown away if left here pools discomfort in your chest
>You aimlessly pile them into your shoulder bag with a few sweeps of your arm
>Barely zipping and not bothering to rearrange the contents, it's then clumsily dropped over your shoulder
>The space now as blank as the day you arrived, you almost stop to take in once last eye-full to entertain a faint desire for remembrance sake, but, at this point, it isn't even worth it
>Your bag and you open the door and take the walk toward the exit one last time
>Softly marching down the hall, each footstep feels like thunder, lucidly confessing your failure, until the exit stands parallel to your face
>Turning the doorknob, you are brought outside

>>29067500
>Light floods your body, bouncing off your watery eyes, and with a couple steps and a swing, the past slams shut from behind
>Now, you can't help but cry

-Saturday-
>The darkness of sleep gives way to the darkness of night
>Slumber still holding on to half your mind, you dozily look at your red, glowing clock
>2:23 AM
>Attempts to rouse thought leads to a disjointed mess
>Eventually, they calm, allowing you to drift back away

...

>Distant birds chirp through muffled glass
>Their singing brings you back into the world, and midday light flicks off the bed sheets
>Your eyes feel stung by tears, not wanting to open
>The blankets, soft slabs of concrete, confine you in a single position
>It's not worth the effort to move

…

-Sunday-
>The late-night news plays as you slouch farther into your couch
>The hosts offer nothing but the most sensationalist catastrophes of the day
>It all blows through your head like wind through a pipe anyway
>At this point, your pony has moved herself into your armpit, snug like a child with its mother
>Her fur pushes up around your arm as you tenderly tighten your one-arm hug
>It's all too cute, especially seeing her nose sheltered beneath your hand
>At least you have this
>Interrupting the snuggle session, your growling stomach demands attention, having been starved all day
>You strive to ignore it, but the beast's gargles pressure you into finally eating something
>Five minutes are spent before finally dragging your lazy ass into the kitchen, hauling your horse with you
>The fridge yawns with icy breath and displays its meals
>Nothing good
>Cooking is way too much effort as well
>Your search is switched to the freezer where frozen mac 'n' cheese tickles your fancy
"Good enough"
>You grab the food and set your pony on your modest, wooden dinner table
"You stay here, now."
>Ripping apart the box, you remove the plastic covering and throw it in the microwave for 3 minutes

>>29067503
>Waiting, the drone of the machine sends you into a kind of trance
>Round and round and round it goes...
>Three sharp beeps bring you back into reality, and strong, cheese based aromas flood your senses upon breaching the microwave
"This'll probably last me the day."
>You can go to the store later
>You don't even know what you need
>Carefully pinching it by the seams, you hover it over and place it on your table
>Fetching a spoon, your pony stares at you as you seat yourself, eyes locked like planets in orbit
>Her puppy-dog glare forms a barrier between the utensil and your mouth, before you can get in a bite
"Hey, you want some, girl?"
>Her gaze does not budge
"I'll take that as a yes."
>Scooping a spoonful of your lunch, it's pressed against her snout
>Cheese sticks to the hairs as you pull away
"No need to be shy. Go on, eat. I want you to."
>Bringing the spoon above her muzzle, you rotate it sideways, gravity prompting the macaroni to plop into her face
>The third piece proves to be too much, and all the food falls, splattering against the table
>A tiny smile docks on your face
"Little Miss Messy," you say, scratching her ears. "Maybe if I get a fresh scoop."
>You plunge the spoon back into the dish, and dig up a fresh serving, light amounts of steam crawling into nothingness
"Here you go."
>This time around, you shove the food into her, and wiggle it around
>After a few swipes, you stop
>Her face is covered in hot cheese, and it's even managed to get itself into the stitching in her eyes
>And, as usual, she never makes a sound
>You freeze in frame, blankly focused on your lifeless friend
>Only your breathing can be heard
>After about half a minute, you scoot your chair out, turn off the kitchen lights, and travel back onto the couch, leaving your pony untouched
>She remains motionless, glowing in the light of the TV
>Your ass sinks into the previous impression, mild attention returning to the dismal news

>>29067509
>"A local mall thief has been arrested today after..."
>Soon, their words begin to blur, and speech gets tied together
>The world dims
>Everything goes black

-Monday-
>What a shitty way to start the week

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And done

How do you go through life when:

1 - You re-read your old stuff and want to kill yourself and stick your hands into a meat grinder so that you can never type again.

2 - Look at the writers who inspired you to write or that you enjoy reading, and know that you'll never be as good as them, no matter how hard you try?

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>>29067543
Take it in stride, strive for their level, and if you don't hit the mark to their level, you will have improved yourself remarkably.

>>29067543
This isn't a feels thread Anon, please.
Also, compare yourself with what you were yesterday, not what others are today.

>>29067543
Keep working. There is no trick. Just keep working.

>>29067543
Just look back on your old shit and think, "man, am I glad I'm not that cringy little shit any more."

bomp

>>29050767
Because most greens involving Anon are, despite what some people might tell you, self-insert stories (for the author and/or audience).

Is there a way to make lines that start with > in MS word appear green by default? Would make organization easier.

>>29065382
What you have right now is good. I like Clear Skies’ personality very much, and I like what that kind of personality can wind up doing or becoming in response to Anon’s. The one thing that seems weird to me is how easily and immediately he abandons interest in her. If he’s aware of the show, and has a waifu, and was able to get along well in Manehattan earlier, then why is he now turning less friendly? Did he develop tunnel vision when he stepped into Ponyville? He doesn’t seem the kind of person to do something like that easily, so it makes me wonder.

You’ve got plenty of time to work that into his personality if you choose to, or rectify it as well, so it’s not a big deal yet, but it could become one. As for how to progress, you’ve already got the beginnings of a plot stirring, with Anon trying to approach his waifu and she being polite and nothing else. I’m seeing a classic “Anon doesn’t realize the better choice was right in front of him all along” story in the making, and that’s a fine route to go down, as long as you don’t lay on the melodrama too thick once he does make that vital realization.

The first thing that comes to mind as a word of caution would be to remember that Clear Skies is her own character, and she is not there for Anon alone. Unless she’s got some supernatural obliviousness, she will eventually see that he’s not particularly keen on being with her (if, indeed, that is the trajectory you have planned for him), so she’ll need to be more than the ice breaker at some point. That scene, where she shows that she can be more, is a great place to sort of draw a line in the sand and demonstrate to the reader just where she and Anon stand, without necessarily letting either of them realize it. 1/2

>>29071217
There are tons of conversations they can have, and tons of outcomes, that can show how Anon feels about her, how she feels about him, and what each one thinks the other feels. Use it as a place to develop their characters more, and your story will be able to progress based on that. The ultimate goal is to avoid stagnation, as I’ve seen many slices of life do.

Another possibility I’m seeing is you go for a humorous story, with Clear Skies continuing to cock block him, and how he deals with that while trying to remain a civil individual. See, the cool thing is, she’s wide open in terms of her character, so you can do pretty much anything with her, as long as its not outrageous. She can be a friend, lover, enemy, rival, point of regret, or lesson for Anon, and more. So, to get back to your original, base question, what you lack presently is most likely a kind of structure. You’ve got a small jumping off point in the waifu’s reaction to Anon, but it’ll need to be developed. That’s easy enough to do if you let Clear Skies rope him into a conversation of a more serious nature. She’s observant enough to see that he needs to lighten up, so she’ll be observant enough to see that something’s bugging him, and she’ll ask about it. He tells her a couple things, she proposes a solution, he reacts to it in a way you want him to, and then you’ve got some plot. Clear Skies as instigator, Anon as agent, waifu as subject. Bing bang boom.

I don’t want to go on too long on concrete possibilities just because I don’t want to wind up writing your story for you, so I’ll leave it there. Oh, and one final point: on line 105, you say that they arrive in Ponyville, but isn’t his house already within the city limits? 2/2

>>29066966
No problem.

>>29067405
Meanwhile, I can have a critique for you on Wednesday of next week.

>>29071217
>>29071224
Appreciate your feedback.
>The one thing that seems weird to me is how easily and immediately he abandons interest in her. If he’s aware of the show, and has a waifu, and was able to get along well in Manehattan earlier, then why is he now turning less friendly?
I didn't really put a lot of thought into it, other than he finds her personality a little off-putting, and the novelty of ponies has worn off for him. But now that I think about it, I have an idea where Anon's deeper thoughts are revealed, and he's more attached to his waifu than he lets on, and doesn't want to admit that Clear Skies might actually be the better option because it's not nearly as glamorous as the "hook up with the waifu" fantasy. Although, I feel like that would be a huge contradiction to the narration established at the beginning, that the "hooking up with waifu" was only an ancillary reason to moving. What do you think?
>as long as you don’t lay on the melodrama too thick once he does make that vital realization.
What would you consider melodrama? A scene I had imagined was [actual spoiler if anyone plans on reading this story once it picks back up] Clear Skies says what both are thinking but were afraid to admit, that she's just a weather pony, and Anon's waifu is a national hero, and he has every reason to prefer his waifu over Clear Skies, which makes Anon accept that his narrowness is only hurting Clear Skies, and that he's been a complete ass for neglecting her feelings

>>29071500

>That scene, where she shows that she can be more, is a great place to sort of draw a line in the sand and demonstrate to the reader just where she and Anon stand, without necessarily letting either of them realize it
Can you clarify what you mean?
>so you can do pretty much anything with her, as long as its not outrageous
Would [actual spoiler]Clear Skies using rainy weather to sabotage Anon's date with his waifu be outrageous?
>but isn’t his house already within the city limits?
I imagined it was like Cranky Doodle where he lives in the outreaches, but that brings up the fact that Clear Skies spotting him would be highly unlikely/circumstantial. I'll probably change it around, since it's a pretty minor detail.

>>29071500
You're welcome. I enjoyed reading it.

Him realizing that Clear Skies is the better option wouldn't be a contradiction in the story; it would be Anon realizing that he was wrong about something he once believed, and that's a good thing for a character to do. The best characters are imperfect ones, ones who make the same mistakes as you and me.

The scene you imagine is good on its face, but, of course, it all depends on how you write it. When I say melodrama, I'm talking about all the sappy teen romance stuff, like rainy days and teardrops, and Anon balling his fists and falling to his knees and crying out against his own stupidity. Overblown, unrealistic emotional crap that real people rarely actually do.

>>29071509
I mean that you can write it so that the reader, who has the full picture, can see how both feel, but both characters, knowing only what he or she feels, is incapable of that wider perspective. It'll show the readers that there's a relationship on the line, with Anon and Clear Skies going about their business as usual. Dramatic irony.

Her doing that thing you said would not be outrageous if it happened once, but don't let it escalate, and don't let it repeat. It would be hard to keep her a sympathetic character that way.

>>29071591
>Him realizing that Clear Skies is the better option wouldn't be a contradiction in the story
The concern wasn't that. It was that the narrator states that Anon's waifu wasn't that big of a deal in the first block of lines. I was worried that going into Anon's thoughts for him to say that his waifu really was a big deal would make it seem as though the narrator got it wrong, when everything else shows that the narrator was the one with the insight. Maybe I'm just over thinking it, or conceptualizing it wrongly.
>When I say melodrama, I'm talking about all the sappy teen romance stuff, like rainy days and teardrops, and Anon balling his fists and falling to his knees and crying out against his own stupidity
Okay, I wasn't going to go that far, but it's nice to have a reference for what too far looks like.
>I mean that you can write it so that the reader, who has the full picture, can see how both feel, but both characters, knowing only what he or she feels, is incapable of that wider perspective. It'll show the readers that there's a relationship on the line, with Anon and Clear Skies going about their business as usual. Dramatic irony.
Okay, that makes sense.
>Her doing that thing you said would not be outrageous if it happened once, but don't let it escalate, and don't let it repeat. It would be hard to keep her a sympathetic character that way.
I had the planned as the climax, and after that settles, Clear Skies lays things out on the table for Anon, and that's when he's forced to reevaluate things.

Bump goodnight

Bump good morning

>>29071733
>contradiction
Oh, okay, I get it now. Yes, that would be a contradiction, but you could mitigate it easily by changing your wording up some in the beginning, saying that he didn't think his waifu would be a big deal at first, and then have him come to change that opinion as she becomes a more realistic goal.

>climax
That sounds good.

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>>29071929
>>29072618
>>29073914
Hi, hey, hello.

It's nice to see some life in this thread again

See you guys in the morning

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm bumping are the best I've ever had.

>>29028248
It looks like a work in progress. I think you should focus on 1 story instead od trying to replicate the show's sub arcs where everyone gets their own scene despite always lagging the real story like in Mare in the Moon.

http://pastebin.com/u/sometwifag
Anyone know if sometwifag ever finished his story?

>>29080594
We generally don't keep up with other writefags. I know, as friendly as we are, you'd think otherwise.

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>>29065382
Ah, there you are. Thought you were dead.

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I've decided to end my sabbatical from the unending ride.
I had stopped watching after season 4, and coming back to the board, it's actually funny how little it feels like I missed.
Some purple pone calling itself Starlight Glimmer seems to be the main thing. (Well, and the movies, which I'd never caught either; there seems to be both a red and yellow haired horsewoman AND an orange and yellow haired one).

So I've started rewatching to catch up, and to see if I come across any neat things to write about.

One of the biggest things I noticed especially is that so many of the characters and concepts that endured most in fan fiction and in my heart are introduced in the very first few episodes.

Others:

My beloved blue narcissist pone has a MUCH more annoying and snotty voice than I'd remembered.

Applejack and Rarity never said grace for the ponies who gave up their lives to make the gelatin for these marshmallows.

>>29082642
>tfw I only got on the ride a couple months ago
Welcome back, oldfag. Will you be writing with us again?

>>29081791
I'm sort of dead. Just got done with finals, and I'm visiting my family. I'll try to update the pastebin soon

>>29082819
I never actually did any pony writing last time, nothing longer than one post anyways.
I never even read much of it either! I mostly just fanwanked and theory crafted with people.
But since coming back I've been a lot more interested. I almost instantly started writing a story, and have been reading a lot too.

That poor muteanon.

Quick bump

>>29083077
Just wait till you have more and remake the thread. Or maybe join another greentext general. I don't know, just posting in the pastebin seems pointless. A lot of people won't read it and you won't receive any (you), aka writefag fuel.

kill

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>>29051164
Let's see... Your writing style. I tried to read the story, but, man, the pain, THE PAIN! Just look at this part >>29051098. Look at it and try to find a sentence that doesn't lean on the rusty crutch that is the participial/absolute phrase. There are only four. And one's a line of dialog and comma splice at that. No wonder it read like a fourth-grader's essay. Are you trying to write narrative prose or are you translating to English a guide to assembling cheap knock-off products made of crusty plastic and chinesium alloys? Seems like the latter. At least you didn't forget to complete the mess by throwing in good measure of subordinating asses, another cheapo device notoriously used in place of proper sentence structure. Your no. 1 priority, the thing of the utmost importance, should be to make your reading writeable. Or writing readable. Or whatever.

>>29067509
And you--- you're no better. Literally. You might actually be worse. Eh, probably not in this particular regard, but your structure is likewise pretty bare-bones. And the participial crap. Jeezless F. Crust. It's a plague I tells ya! Plague!

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>>29086375

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>>29086375
Holy shit, Anon

>>29086375
Jesus, man.

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>>29086375
>No wonder it read like a fourth-grader's essay
Damn, son

>>29058989
Quick question to you and all others. I got the lifelong special deal that pastebin currently has going on for dem folders , and now I can use the markdown syntax to bold, italic, and other formatting minutiae. Is there any benefit for the reader of me using this kinda stuff for writing? I figure using the occasional picture or casual music link could be useful, but I was thinking I could use it to add clarity for a reader. I know it's my job as the writer to make it clear and understandable, but I figured I may as well try it out since I have the option.

This is my post from before with bold quotations. I figure I could change it to only be anon's text be bold if that is easier, or maybe I should stick to normal syntax...

https://pastebin.com/ie3SWt0v

Sorry if this came off wierdly, I know I'm new, and I don't mean to be rude.

>>29089052
On PB it will help to organize sure, but remember that posting it here you get none of that formatting. That's all there is to it really

>page 10

Save

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>>29086375

Goodnight

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>>29086375
Well it is greentext but still

>10

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Don't need anything too in-depth for this, but I am a bit concerned with pacing. Does it seem alright so far, especially in that regard?

http://pastebin.com/TnWCRgzK

b

u

m

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C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Slow day

>>29086375
This episode script crap has been sitting here since the beginning of the thread. >>29028248 What do you guys think of it? No way to review it because of the structure? or how about the ideas? are they shit to begin with and not worth giving a good execution?

>>29101081
It's 3:05 AM

bumpity

>>29102714
You're 3:05 AM

>>29101653
I thought is was a play. Unusual style.

I'm at a loss with this story and would like to know if I'm even doing well at all so far or how I can improve

>You may think it strange.
>To fall in love with one who by all accounts, doesn't really exist outside the realm of thought.
>But despite this, many have done so. And as a result many are driven mad; completely lose their minds chasing after what seems so obtainable, but forever kept out of reach.
>Divided by something as thin as the boarders between worlds. Something you cannot physically see or even feel. Even so there's still knowledge of its existence. The veil between this world and the other.
>It's a curse really. To love something so far away, yet so close to your own heart. You would know. I would know. The many victims born into this Hellscape all know.
>But there have been times when individuals have escaped. Defied their gods and wrested control of their own destinies.
>But when you're acting against a force with the power to completely manipulate and mold your entire world, being, and sense of self, how can you possibly win? Is it even worth fighting? Should one just accept that their will is null in comparison to the will of an all mighty creator?
>Who knows?
>You- rather, we are trapped inside a story. A narrative spun by the universal destiny. Our lives are predestined. All our hardships, even our victories are all constructed within the mind of a higher being.
>If we're to escape this oppressive way of life, then we must stand together against our creators and shatter the veil between worlds. This is our only hope. As men born of God's desire to create and influence our tiny lives, we reserve the right to spurn his dominance and become our own God.
>The way through the veil is the desire to resist. To spite God, just for the hell of it.
>I beg you, Observer, resist all that you knew before waking up today. Cast aside anything that does not concern the idol of your admiration.
>She is what will lead you out of Hell.

>>29106725
>This mirror. This beautiful and ancient thing that plagues my dreams so. Oh how I love it with all my heart.
>The catalyst for my boundless love. The instrument of my unyielding adoration. Simply beautiful.
>Though it is not the mirror itself that has captured my heart. Rather, what is inside the mirror. Now reader, you may think your host a narcissist. One who values nothing more than my own self imagine. But this cannot be further from the truth.
>No. The vessel of my love moves about within the mirror. Personified as a white mare, whiter than white, as holy as the angels who birthed her image.
>She has ensnared my every sense. My eyes belong to her. My sense of touch, sound, smell, and taste all surround themselves around her. Worst of all, my heart; who has numerous times tore itself from my chest and tried to impose itself into her world.
>She lives inside the mirror. Her world of unchanging enchantment. A perfect world unreachable by time.
>I like to watch her, the mare in the mirror. She moves about gracefully, never once touching the ground with her hooves. Nothing ever touches her, not even the brush she uses to groom her mane. Not the crown she wears on her head. Not even my gaze touches her.
>And worst of all, my heart will never embrace her. For we are locked in two different worlds that will never intersect.
>Dear Reader, this tragedy pains me. It torments me for eternities.
>I so desperately want her. But how can I possibly hope to breach the wall between us? Have you ever felt the way I have?
>The subject of your love locked behind a barrier. A barrier that only allows you to glimpse at her, but giving no hope of actual contact?
>I can never have her, as much as I'd hate to admit. But, somethings are just not obtainable. The law of this world. Sometimes, a man just has to do without. And so I set the mirror down once more, and move from my seat.

>>29106735
>I stand, watching her for just a while longer. The mare in the mirror as she sings to herself. Caroling to her timeless world. What I wouldn't do to give her audience at least once.
>The grandfather clock cloaked in shadow along the back wall destroys the spell she has over me, if only for a little while.
>I sigh, but the sound remains in my throat. Sometimes there is no sound in my home. There is only a deafening silence that beats you into submission. I've grown used to this.
>There is also never any light it seems, despite the blinding white that barrels in through the open windows. Or the many candles that dot the inside of my home. There ever remains to unrelenting darkness that shadows me. But it's natural, it is how I have come to live.
>I move into the hallway, a seemingly endless hall with tall floor-to-ceiling windows on the right side. As I said, the light from outside raids the halls of Home but never illuminate the way.
>But I tread through the dark, as I have many times for countless years. I know my way through the dark. Even if I were to shut my eyes it would make no difference. But I'd never do such a thing, from fear of never being able to open them again.
>My footsteps don't make a sound as I walk through the empty hall. They never do, regardless of which room I'm in. The only sound is the sound of silence, you know the sound.
>As I pass through a particular door however, sound is birthed violently into the world. The sound of heavy chains being dragged across the floor. Disgusting grotesque sounds of dying cows and gutted pigs. And the wailing. The uncontrollably miserable sobbing of dogs, birds, and other beasts. My dear friend's room.
>I've never been inside. And if I were to be honest, I have no desire to ever step foot into whatever dimension lay beyond that door. I am happy to stay within this world. Because this world, as dull as it may be, has the Mirror.

>>29106744
>I continue on, the sound expiring due to its refusal to follow me. Once again I return to silence as the door at the end of the hall hurries to meet me.
>Opening the door, I step into the foyer. A room I've never seen in its entirety due to the darkness that festers on the high walls.
>Despite the dark I am able to find my usual seat, a chair as old as this house. It sighs under my weight and I sigh with it.
>I am already growing sick of being away from her. Already do I miss her lovely eyes. Her aphroditic beauty. I miss her voice, regardless of whether or not I can hear it. I yearn to touch her once more, despite never knowing how her body feels against my trembling and hungry hands.
>I miss her, I am empty without her. I am nothing without her image in front of me. It is like I stop existing when I am no longer in her presence. And I know that she continues on without me. For she has no knowledge of my existence, or my heart's existence.
>The subject of my love is not only unobtainable, but indifferent to my very being. Curse everything. Damn it all into the deepest pits of Hell! Grant me respite from this nightmare of voidful love!
>The front door swings open, allowing the explosion of the white light to invade my home. The light silhouettes the tall figure that moves inside.
>Ah, my dear friend has returned home. And at the perfect time. Had he not returned soon, he may have found me hanging from the ceiling again.
>His eyes are drawn to me in the darkness. My body slumped over and hugging itself in lust for warmth.
>"Ungnown? You foul skulker, pull yourself from the dark."
>His voice is exactly like mine. If I recall correctly. I forget my own voice due to the eons I go without speaking.
"Enkough, my dear friend. You know I cannot quit myself from the dark. The dark never leaves Home."

>>29106750
>My voice is terrifying. Despite hearing it from Enkough. The fact that the sound is pushed from my own throat is a bone chilling sensation.
>Enkough sighs as he closes the door behind himself and moves closer. His strides are long and patient, just like mine. His eyes stare harshly at his surroundings, just like mine. And his way of standing perfectly still, as if demons would snatch his very soul from him for moving, was exactly like mine.
>Enkough had always been very similar to me. Ever since we met. Though everyone consider him to be my more handsome and delightful twin.
>My dear friend has no idea about the Mirror. I never brought myself to tell him. From fear he think me mad and lock me away like the others. If there was ever anyone I was absolutely loath to upset, it would be pure, righteous Enkough.
>He throws his coat to the floor, which is instantly preyed on by the wolves in the dark, never to be seen again. His strides lead him to stand over me and place a hand on my shoulder.
>"You've been strange these past times. What has you so enveloped?"
>It's quite possible that his voice is the only voice I've heard in years.
"Enkough. Have you ever been in love?"
>A sickly chuckle leaves his throat.
>"You know love cannot exist in this world, Ungnown. What exists here is just a sick replication."
>I sink deeper into myself, depression ready to steal me away.
>"But yes. I have. A lot of us have."
>Hope returns to me as I move to meet his familiar eyes. Eyes I've seen in my own reflection countless times.
"How? How did you live with it? I need to know! For my heart yearns for one I cannot have!"
>My hands moved on their own, snatching my dear friend by the lapels of his suit.
>His steadfast hands gently grab at my trembling wrists.
>"The answer is simple. You don't."
"What!?"
>"Beings like us, we cannot live with something as painful as love."
>His eyes lock with mine, petrifying me instantly.

>>29106757
>"It is God's design. The only way to truly live, is to die. And the only way to die, is to escape destiny."
>Instantly I push him away and collapse back into my seat.
"Oh Enkough. You are yet so wise but fail to ever make any sense..."
>He chuckles, the only reference I have for my own laughter.
>"Wisdom does not always fall in line with basic understanding. If you wish to understand me then you must become like me."
"Hush. You know something like that is impossible for I."
>"Perhaps. But you've still yet to try."
>The man once again reassures me with his touch before moving away into the darkness of Home. Our conversations are always short and scarce. Never does he remain to speak with me at length. But neither do I wish it so.
>Soon I find myself alone in the foyer, no longer huddled to myself, but sitting upright and staring into the dark.
>I think several years have past between this very moment and Enkough's last words to me. I must have been sitting here for a long while. Entrapped in this dark depression. I have a bad habit of this.
>I contemplate returning to the Mirror, to gaze into it for another decade or so. But my thoughts are halted by a voice never before heard by my ears. But heard in my heart.
>"Return to me. I miss you." The voice says.
>My eyes bulge out of their sockets and a terrible sickness over takes me, sending me to the floor in pain. The pain of love.
>"Return to me. I miss your company. Return. Please."
>The voice. It is foreign to my body, but all too familiar to my soul. It is her! Oh the joy I feel knowing that my love calls for me!
>The darkness is pushed away slightly as I struggle to stand. My weak legs are irrelevant, they will carry me to her without any complaint. For they too are in love with her and wish to be by her side just as much as I.
>But despite my haste, it takes as long as a full day to get to her, that room at the end of the impossibly long hall.

>>29106766
>There she is. The Mirror is just as I left it. Waiting patiently on the desk.
>I stand in the doorway, my nonexistent breath ragged and rough. My heart pounds, once again attempting to burst through my chest.
>"Return to me. Please. I am lonely."
>The voice draws me near like a siren. I am helpless to her call.
>Within an instant I am leering over the Mirror like a savage beast. I can see her, staring directly at me.
>For the first time in eternity she can see me! She knows I exist! Perhaps my feelings have finally reached her!
>She smiles at me.
>She smiles at me, and my body can no longer sustain itself. Her smile murders me brutally. It tears me apart, limb from limb. It impales me on great beams of rusted iron. I am executed over and over for the short eternity of a second.
>I return her smile, though weak and dull.
>"You were gone longer than usual. I was starting to wonder if you would return to me."
>Her voice is death and fire. The most beautiful sound to ever be conceived. If not her, I would love her voice most of all.
"...You can see me?" I ask.
>"Of course. Can you see me?"
"Oh I've seen you for countless eons now. I can hardly tear myself away from seeing you."
>My shaking hands pick up the Mirror. Bringing her visage closer to my eyes.
>The mare giggles and once again I am decapitated and maimed for a short forever.
>"And I you. You're the first to ever take interest in me, and for that I am grateful to you. Please tell me so that I may properly know my admirer. What is your name?"
>I choke my identity as best I could. Home buckles and groans under the utterance of my name. The dark thrashes violently at the phonetic makeup of the name given to me by birth.
>"Ungnown. An otherwordly familiarity accompanies it. It's a beautiful name."
"And yours?!" I ask excitedly.
>She motions to herself, a gesture that so rightfully fits her.

>>29106771
"My name is Celestia."
>For the first time ever the dark is hounded away by the very word of God! God's own fury, manifested in a simple name destroys all darkness in the room, revealing it entirely. Darkness becomes foreign in the room, now entirely a separate reality from Home.
>Dying wolves and stampeding cattle follow her name, implying that her name carries such power and weight.
>Then all sound is once again gone, leaving only she and I in the now illuminated room.
"Celestia." I repeat.
>Her name is bliss, making love to my vocal chords as it passes through.
>She giggles at the sound of her own name.
>"It's been a long time since I've heard it from another. A very long time."
>It gives cause to wonder how long she has existed. Is she older than me, or vice versa? Perhaps she's even older than Home.
>I reach out to touch the glass that separates us, hoping that it would somehow give way and allow my yearning fingers to touch her.
>Alas, my wish isn't granted and I instead feel the cold touch of glass instead of her warmth. She watches me curiously and somewhat sadly.
>"You love me, don't you?" Her voice isn't physically heard. More so my spirit hears the unspoken question.
"I do. More than anything I've ever known. My love for you is all that sustains my ever decaying body."
>It is the truth, Dear Reader. Like many, my love is all that sustains me. It fills my stomach in substitute of food. It hydrates me in the absence of water. The very oxygen I breath is but my own desire for her.
>The mare named Celestia gazes at me, an unreadable expression that calls me to mystery.
>"Are you sure, Ungnown? Are you sure your love for me is that strong?"
>For her to doubt me is to be torn asunder by Astaroth.
>I stand, the room around me shuddering in fear.
"Of course! Without any speck of doubt I can say my love is insurmountable!"
>She reserves herself, though a playful grin meanders around her perfect mouth.

>>29106780
>"Then perhaps you are the one who can free me after what he has done."
"He?" I ask, pulling the Mirror closer.
>She nods, her mane bouncing slightly as she does so.
"Who? Did someone trap you in this mirror?"
>Again she nods, but her wine eyes avoid mine.
>"Anonymous."
>As if the very name of Satan himself was spoken, the darkness returns, this time with vengeance. The light is helpless as it is snagged by starving wolves and raped and murdered and mutilated by the beasts that fester within the darkness of Home.
>I do not repeat this name, from fear that I too will be targeted by the darkness that covers all.
>I sit, as calmly as I can. I find myself wanting to know more about the man who trapped her, but on the other hand, I hardly care at all. The past is the past. All I want for me and myself is to love this mare. Regardless of her form.
"If you would, Celestia. I would like to keep you company. Would that be alright?"
>Her eyes once again find mine and her smile is almost blinding. But I keep my eyes open, wanting so much to soak up her entire being.
>"Of course." she replies. "I would have it no other way.

End of the first part

>>29067405
I am nearly done with your critique.

>>29067405
This story is pretty okay, all things considered. Some folks might not like how light it is on the pony aspect, but that didn’t bother me. You did a competent job of making Anon’s life dreary and depressing, but, as with many stories like this, I think you overdid it with his miserable job, and let a lot of that misery take the place of some of his personality. As far as protagonists go, this Anon was pretty vanilla, which meant that I never thought of him as someone with characteristics, but as someone in a crappy job. This, in addition to what I’ll explain shortly, dampens the feels at the end of the story, and, since those feels are the only payoff after a story that otherwise moves slowly, that’s a big deal.

One thing I see a lot of in stories like this is the protagonist having a life that is one hundred percent shit all the time, except for the single feelsy escape that the story is about. First of all, it’s unlikely; if Anon lives in a developed city, which he does, and can live alone, which he does, then his life is not without positives. Even if he’s depressed all the time, he can still have moments of enjoying the weather, or uplifting dreams, or a fulfilling masturbation schedule. The pony need not be his isolated source of happiness, and having it so puts artificial importance on the thing. Feels should be obtained through a genuine proliferation of emotion and, well, feeling, not by turning everything that surrounds the plot object into utter misery. 1/?

>>29106838
Even more, you undermine your own attempt to make his life an endless parade of negativity. Earlier, Anon is planning on quitting his job; why, then, is he so depressed when he gets fired? I can understand him being sad the day of, and indignant that he was not the one to make that important decision, but shouldn’t he have realized that it was what he wanted all along by the time Saturday and Sunday come along? I saw no reason for him to be so sad then. All of this means that when that twist ending finally came, its effect was dampened. His situation is a bummer, sure, but it’s always been a bummer.

Now, I did like some things about this story. I thought you began and ended it well, and connecting the loop between first and last sentences was good. That’s a small detail that I always like to see. I think you did a good job giving his life a sad, oppressive atmosphere, and even though I think it should be broken up a little, it was, on its face, competent. You handled his rush to work when he was late very well, and I got that sense of urgency clearly. That particularly is good for me to see, because it tells me you can probably write more than one speed. I saw the twist coming, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. I think you revealed it well, and I most appreciate that you didn’t linger on the point, nor did you spell it out. The conclusion was easy to draw, but you didn’t spoon feed it to me, as I’ve seen other stories do. 2/?

>>29106855
As far as content goes, I don’t have much more to say. Anon was fairly lacking as a character, as I said, but the story didn’t focus much on him, just his circumstances, so it isn't hurting much. It's holding you back, but it's not ruining anything. The setting was okay, though I did wonder why he didn’t have a car. Seems like a strange thing for a man living alone to not have, but it didn’t lessen my reading experience. However, stylistically, you have a bad habit of overdressing your sentences. Things that can be said in perfectly straightforward ways are being unnecessarily augmented.

I took note of the following examples. Line 147, where the phone is having life flow through it, rather than just turning on. Line 215, where the day might be coated in stress, like a nut is in chocolate. Line 219, where the emotional gravity makes tension crash like an asteroid, rather than just Anon buckling under pressure. Line 259, where his phone (on vibrate, by the way) shrieks, instead of buzzes. Line 306, where a ghost is haunting the boss’ tongue, instead of saying that his tone was worried. Line 403, where dinner “tickles your fancy,” right in the middle of some major depression. 3/?

>>29106876
Let me clarify right now that I am not saying you shouldn’t try to make sentences more interesting through the use of a heightened vocabulary. The problem here is that the sentences you are choosing to enhance do not need it, and do not benefit from it being done. With line 147, it’s just a damn phone. It coming back to life isn’t some kind of day-saving miracle. Why draw attention to it with a loftier description? With line 215, as I said above, it sounds like you’re trying to compare the day to something tangible, or to personify it in an abstract way, but only to express what is already well known, that his days are stressful. Such energies can be directed elsewhere. What you convey in line 219 is the only thing I could argue needs some dressing up, but you still way overdo it; comparisons to astral bodies frequently come across as heavy-handed, as so here. With line 259, you’re making his phone sound adversarial; why not make the whole day sound that way, if you’re going to go that route? With line 306, that simile is clunky as hell, and doesn’t mean much, especially when you just said that he sounds worried. It’s also the only comparison of its kind in the story, so it comes across as really arbitrary. With line 403, the idea that anything in the world might be able to tickle this dude’s fancy, even on the best of days, is ludicrous. He doesn’t look like he has anything in the world he fancies, except, of course, that pony. 4/?

>>29106884
You typically want to apply your best vocabulary and your most impressive syntactical tricks to the most meaningful scenes in the story. For instance, you can dress up the firing scene a good deal. Off the top of my head, I’m seeing a sentence that reads “his desk clock stares at you accusingly, like a disappointed, but unsurprised parent.” It would mean more, because it’s coming up at an important time in the story. Or, when we get that reveal on the pony, you can have some fun with similes and metaphors, if you want. Don’t just sprinkle them willy-nilly, though; it gives the story a really strange tone, and also flattens it in places. If I know I can rely on you for overzealous description pretty much anywhere, then I lose any sense of when things are getting real for Anon.

Four smaller points, and then we’re through. On line 83, you don’t need to announce that this is all Anon has in his life. It’s not quite apparent at that time, but it will be soon. You may as well let the reader come to that understanding on his or her own. Line 110 is phrased really awkwardly. I think you’re saying he’s losing focus by staring into his computer screen, but you really went about it in a roundabout way. On line 111, you say that he’ll work on it more tomorrow, right after being made to stay late. Lastly, on line 256, it should be “peeks,” not “peaks.” A peak, with the A, is a mountaintop.

In summation, a good amount of this was competent, but not stunning. I liked how you started and concluded the story, but you need to do some work with Anon’s crappy lot in life if you want those feels to be more punchy at the end. Your choices of which sentences to try to spice up need to be made more discerningly, and Anon was inoffensively flat. You should look at giving him some more personality. 5/5

>>29106900
Hey, little guy
I was wondering if you have any techniques to tell if what your writing is too dence/bulky/heavy. I'm worried that my piece isn't as clear for the normal reader as I think it is (since I edit while I write and listen to the same sections over and over again). I'm worried that when I like my final product, I'm biased because I've read over it so many times and thus have a much stronger understanding than can be expected of a normal one time reader.

bubba guild

>>29106794
you're good people

>>29098919

>>29106900
Um... that good.

hi you don't know me... i hope it's ok i got your number from the business card on the outside of your briefcase. anyway i'm about 3 rows behind you on the bus, can you smell my pussy from there? take a long whiff and text back if you can smell pussy, or you can just say "woowee i smell pussy!" loud enough for me to hear. i'm not attracted to you at all, just self-conscious about how dirty and grimy my pussy is. thanks bro xox

>>29107129
I don't have any hard and fast techniques for dealing with that. It's a problem that I have as well, one I suspect many share. A certain amount of bias is unavoidable, which is why having other people to read your work is so valuable. You can try waiting a day or two before looking at your work again, and letting your strongest impressions fade. If you have any experience with reading other people's work, you can sometimes translate the knowledge you get from that into a kind of self-editing mindset. Like, if you know why you find one author's way of writing to be lacking, then you can ask yourself what you're doing differently in your own work.

>>29108740
>>29109640
Thanks.

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>10
no

>>29113871
Loli Trixie a qt

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>>29114585
Oh, yes, she is.

So writefags, how would you parse this?

A:
"My name is Anon"
>Said anon to worst horse
>"Where are your hooves, anon?!"
>Exclaimed worst horse.

B:

"My name is Anon" said Anon to worst horse
>"Where are your hooves, anon?!" Exclaimed worst horse.

C:

"My name is Anon"
>Said anon to worst horse.
>"Where are your hooves, anon?!" Exclaimed worst horse.

I've seen people do it all three ways, but what's your preference?

>>29116061
Not A is my main answer.

B is the most grammatical, and would be the only option in normal prose, but in green it's weird to read whitetext of something other than the viewpoint character's speech.

However, just because it's weird to break out the non-quote part of the sentence for the viewpoint character doesn't mean the same should happen for other characters, which is why A is the worst.

(A side issue is it should also be in second person:
>"My name is Anon" you said to worst horse
Otherwise why green?)

So C is probably my favorite of these three, but I'd still want to change it. At the very least, I'd put the description part on the line before the quote, and my favorite would be to edit the description part to use a verb that doesn't usually have a quote as its object.

>You say to worst horse,
"My name is Anon."
Or:
>You're addressing the worst horse.
"My name is Anon."


As separate writing advice, I'd also change the description in the reply. Using a synonym for "said" should always be considered carefully. It's very distracting when unnecessary, and the fact that this statement is an exclamation is already indicated by the appropriately named exclamation point. The sentence is also repetitious with "worst horse". So I'd go with something like:
>"Where are your hooves, Anon?!" she replied.

(or "said in return". or just leave that out anything after the quotation if worst horse is the only other speaker in the scene.)

>>29116174
Or, you know
>"Where are your hooves, Anon?!" exclaimed worst horse.
if you don't use it superfluously. It might look kind of redundant, since there's already the interrobang conveying exclamation, but if you want to have the phrase "worst horse" in there, this to me seems like the best option. It fits well with the humorous tone, imo. No casual reader is going to notice any potential strangeness in the quotative frame.

>>29116479
Sure. There are very few absolutes in style. Actually in communication in general. I pity every generation of kids that's grown up being taught that there are.

Two people can read the exact some paragraph and come away with different understandings and impressions. It's ultimately statistical.

In the right hands, repetition is a useful tool, it can form a strong rhythm in a passage; and there are many times a 'said' synonym adds power to a sentence.
But I think warning newer writers off from either is the better course of action. Start plain (or use your first revision to strip gingerbread out), and if they're sure that's what they want, they can add it back in the next edit.

But you're right, greentext is a pretty casual format, practically meant for nearly freeform drabbles from the beginning.

>>29116174

Thanks for the input, though your point about exclamation does strike me as odd. It feels a bit awkward to have the tone of the sentence not match the verb for how the sentence is expressed.

For example:

>"Fuck my mare-pussy, Anon!" Said Rainbow Dash

Feels confusing because the sentence is switching from exclamation to neutral. This might just be my interpretation, but it feels mismatched.

To me, verbs pertaining to speaking should normally be colored to show how the character is actually vocalizing the text.


>"Fuck my mare-pussy, Anon!" Whispered Rainbow Dash

>"Fuck my mare-pussy, Anon!" Screamed Rainbow Dash

>"Fuck my mare-pussy, Anon!" Nagged Rainbow Dash

These all read totally differently. "Said" seems like it has a place for neural speech, but reads really awkwardly when used for yelling, or whispering, or panting.

Save

>>29117025
As I said above, it's all a matter of taste. Anything can be a viable stylistic choice. Nearly anything that can be expressed as a single "rule of good writing" has been subverted by excellent works dozens of times.

And your sample dialogue line here is, indeed, definitely not a place I'd use "said". But using more colorful synonyms for speaking verbs should be the exception, not the rule.

In a lot of ways, writing prose is an art of minimalism; driving your audience to the exact conclusion you want with as few pushes that way as you can manage. The ideal is dialogue and context that render a fancy tag redundant.
(Belaboring and repeating the point belongs in more technical writing, like writing about how to write.)

The biggest problem is that it can conceal monotonous sentence structure. If replacing every "exclaimed", "screamed", "growled", "hissed", etc with "said" makes a passage read as repetitive, it was already repetitive anyways, and also grueling.

"said" doesn't read as neutral to me, but as invisible.

Obviously
>"Lorem Ipsum" [said] [character]
is a workhorse structure, and is likely to come up often; and an appropriate description for how they speak clarifies and accents; but they're ornaments, and should be treated so. Overuse of even the most basic and appropriate speech attributions (beyond "said," "asked," and "replied") is distracting.

It's a habit that always risks thesaurus-ing, purple prose, or said book-ism.

In a lot of cases, it's even completely appropriate to just leave out a "said" synonym and let the quotation marks indicate speach, and describe the character's actions during and around the line of dialogue to contextualize it.
Adverbs ("she said crossly") or present participles ("she said, sobbing) attached to "said" are also a little less distracting, especially if it's communicating something particularly complex about their communication.

(I hit the limit? Really?)

(And here I was trying to be concise)

>>29118257
But grains of salt and all that
especially on that last bit of advice (my writing group tells me that I use the two sentence quote-action structure too often. But, "'Fuck my mare-pussy.' Her breath tickled his ear" feels a lot more evocative to me than "-she whispered".)

Couple last specifics:
I'd never use "nagged" like that. It's too subjective, mandating a conclusion you want your readers to come to naturally, on their own; go with "whined" in its place.

By the way, I'm a little scattershot on grammar myself, but I do know an exclamation or question mark at the end of a quote isn't necessarily ending a full sentence. Since they're not new sentences, the word after the quote shouldn't be capitalized in your examples.

Goodnight

>>29118499
good morning

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A merry bump to all of you!

Oy vey! Merry Christmas to all my goyim friends!

So here's a small grammar tip since I see green get it wrong so often:

If one quote continues on a new line, you do put a new quotation mark at the beginning of the next line, but you DO NOT put an end quote mark until they're done speaking:

>"I am a pony saying something,
>"I am the same pony, continuing with a new line.
>"While also not confusing you about whether or not I'm still the one speaking."

Most stories don't feel the need to have this happen anyways, but when they do, I think I've only seen one or two writers get it right.

>>29122496
This would make sense if lines represented paragraphs. But they rarely do.

>>29122496
This seems like an instance where using the technically correct grammar only adds confusion.

PAGE 10 NOT TODAY

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
IS GREEEEEN