Writefags' Guild

>>28789791
Tips and links:

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>28789797
Here’s some new stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

If I was writing a green with a much darker story/content, would a pony cussing be out of the realm of possibilities? Would that be too edgy?

>>28790421
I wouldn't mind it personally, but I could see them cussing as a means of putting emphasis on how they're feeling.

Words like, "damn" or "shit" I can see in casual conversations however

>>28790421
swears are fine if you don't get retarded with them.

>>28790421

If appropriate, sure. I mean, ridiculous epithets fit nonsensical or comedic scenes. A smattering of mild cursing can add grit to a darker setting.

>Tucking your hooves to your chest you barrel out of the sky, splitting the smoke tainted skyline with a trail of pure energy, desperately trying to latch itself on to your speeding form.
>That familiar feeling swelled in your chest as you ram head first into the dark soldier below you, landing on his chest, driving him into the floor beneath your hooves.
>A thick cloud of dust hangs in the air around you, stirred up by your landing and held aloft by the sudden deafening silence.
>Pausing a moment to survey your surroundings, your wild eyes can see nothing more than an endless sea of combatants, each dropping their looks of sudden surprise, replaced by trademark mask of a soldiers stoicism.
>Giving them no more time to mount a defense, you rocket forward, each of your muscles spurring to life as you propel yourself through the air.
>Your first target hastily thrusts his spear forward in a panic but you easily avoid it, the smooth wood passing through your mane, opening a window to shoot your hoof forward.
>The hard nail contacts perfectly along his jawline, jutting harshly to the side as the small warrior crumples to the floor.
>Wasting no time, you spin mid-air, bucking off his chest in the direction of the next hopelessly outmatched troop, ramming your shoulder into his midsection.
>Blazing from each horrible monster to the next, your mind is abundantly clear as a wayward spear glides across your sullied coat, a warm, red liquid pouring onto your skin.
>You never feel more at peace, your mind is never more clear than at this moment, the type where it is a crime to give any less than all you have just as every other pony out here is doing, punishable by death.
>A raging battle has started on all sides, engulfing you and your friends in the heat of combat.
>Despite the utter chaos surrounding you, everything is laid out so clearly, the most beautiful sight you know.
>Fight.
>Fight to survive, or be cut down like the rest.

>>28791511
>It's the only commandment out here, and in times like these it repeats itself in your head, like a mantra.
>You had long since lost your sword, and the piercing complaints creeping into your body from each of your tired muscles were drowned out by an all consuming roar, never ceasing its constant yell in your chest as you lay waste to all those before you.
>A powerful bark of squad movements sounds off to your side, but you know the sheer confusion you're raising is too much for anyone to focus their mind on commands.
>You split right through the middle of the formation, parting the sea of enemies with your raw power.
>To your surprise, a small band of armored spearmen manage to mount a defense, forming a formidable wall of sharpened metal before you.
>Your mind is too far gone to come up with a plan of attack, all you can come up with is a scream of pure rage as you spin midair, curling into a tight ball.
>Through sheer luck and determination, you pass under the spears with ease, clashing into the wall of flesh like a cannon ball.
>You can feel the bones shatter as they buckle under your force, no longer able to hold the weakened warriors on their hooves.
>Rolling to a stop, you effortlessly pop up on your hooves in an offensive stance, small cuts all over your body caked with dust.
>Your eyes resemble those of a wild beast, and the hot breaths rolling out of your nostrils compliment that look.
>Taking another split second to survey your surroundings you now see the crater of space you've created, once filled with marching hooves, now empty.
>Each pony/bug hybrid before you stares anxiously, slowly creeping forward, swords gripped tightly in hooves.
>With not a second to spare, you shoot forward to the formation, eager for the challenge.
>You don't clear anymore than five yards when you're suddenly flung back, uncontrollably spun through the air before coming to a sudden stop against the ground.

>>28791521
>A sharp pain tears through your spine as you struggle to your hooves, willing your body to its stance.
>Peering through the thick frame of your helmet to determine what sort of thing could've flung you back with such force, the creature you spot fills your heart with it's first pang of fear.
>It was a beast of massive proportions, standing upright at least seven hooves above you, brandishing a rudimentary club the size of a siege engine.
>It's lanky, thin limbs seemed to wrap around the entire battlefield, just seeing them you were feeling claustrophobic.
>It wore no armor, the roaming clouds of dust rolling across its bare, pale white skin.
>The wind seemed to agitate it however, each strong gust of wind blowing through causing it to cover its face.
>The tiny soldiers beneath its feet cleared a large birth, seemingly unnerved by this demonic creature.
>All except for a rather brave soldier, pulling the retched beast by a chain wrapped firmly around its neck.
>As soon as the miserable creature spotted you, it let out a terrifying cackle, echoing over the distant sounds of mashing steel.
>"3iT iT 1GÀ 15%Ì ww#Ì q5^ÌÀ 99C9C9C9C9C9C`CÁ"
>The beast's handler stared up at the creature, pulling off his mask and flashing a stunning smile.
>"Yes, that's it. One tiny pony! Look at how puny she is, no match for the great Gronbalgon! Now, go get her!"
>Grinning at you the brute wastes no time speaking further, swinging his heavy club with surprising quickness, leaving a half-hoof crater where you once stood, giving you almost no time to leap out of its crushing impact.
>Performing a quick roll you narrowly avoid a follow up swing, the wind from the blow grazing across your back, reminding you how close you were to being caught under that heavy stone.
>"That speed! Shit, I need to make a move fast, I can't keep dodging like this."

>>28791534
>You survey its movements amongst your quick footwork, looking for the right opportunity to strike.
>The massive brute peels its club from the floor slowly, leaving a engulfing hole in the dirt.
>Your eyes light up, your mind spurring to life as you analyze the beast's movements.
>"There! It takes too long to pull it's weapon from the floor. I think I can get to it by the time it readies another swing."
>You're running full speed in circles around it's giant feet now, desperately trying to avoid the boulder being thrown around like it weighs nothing.
>Cheering from all sides reminds you of the raving army to every side, eagerly awaiting your seemingly imminent death.
>"Now Gronbalgon, you've got her on the run!"
>"After only two swings? It really is unbeatable!"
>You can only smirk in response, readying yourself for the next blow.
>The beast rears it's club above it's head, the bludgeon teetering in the air.
>"Ha, I've got him now. As soon as he sw-"
>The massive club swings behind it's back, arching high behind it in a windmill-esk movement.
>Surprised, you attempt to leap out of the way, but the gargantuan boulder clips your back legs, sending you spinning through the air.
>You can barely make out the world around you as you spin without stop, any noises drowned out by the roaring from the crowds below.
>Your hindlegs are definitely broken, the force of that swing was too strong even for them.
>By the time you stop spinning you're already making a descent to the monster below, spiraling for its open palm, your death.
>Catching your barings, you tuck your limbs in tightly against your body, the wind easily passing into your helmet as you plummet through the tainted heavens to the danger that awaits you.
>Nearing your target, you glide through his fingers with ease, sticking out your hooves and landing less than gracefully on it's forehead.

>>28791549
>A small yelp escapes your lips as a jarring pain travels through your body, reminding you of the overwhelming reality of the situation.
>There was no way you could make it out of this alive.
>You can't run on these legs, and you can't fly away with the skies being as clogged with pegusi as they are.
>You were going to die here, but it didn't fill you with the insurmountable fear that it would most.
>Instead, you were angry. Unbelievably angry.
>You were going to die, and this monster below you was going to be the one to finish you.
>Something primal worms its way into your brain, everyother thought spilling out leaving the one, pressing command pulsing through your brain.
>Survive.
>You attempt to voice your rage, but the only thing that comes out is an ear splitting roar, causing even the troops on the floor to take several steps back.
>Your vision turns pure red as you lay into the creature you stand on, wildly slamming your hoof into it's flittering eye.
>It lets out a low growl, shaking its head feverishly as you hang on for dear life.
>You fall off its forehead, dangling from your hoof lodged firmly in it's eye.
>It attempts to grab your other hoof and pull you away, but you chomp down on it's eye lid, the salty taste of blood invading your tongue as it bellows out another roar.
>It drops to it's knees in pain, eventually flopping on it's back as tears stream out of it's now destroyed eye.
>Sensing your opportunity, you rip your hoof from it's eye, a trail of slime connecting your forearm to the damaged slit as you swiftly tear off your helmet.
>You scramble down it's face, hopping down to it's throat while it howls in a frenzy.
>Gripping the helmet in both hooves, you thrust the pointed tip into the rough skin, letting out a beastly grunt as the blood begins to pour.
>You rip the helmet away before swiftly thrusting it back in the red void, hysterically stabbing away as your instincts guide your movements.

>>28791558
>The vital red fluid spurts out rapidly, coating your once golden armor in the life giving liquid.
>Once the intended area is completely obscured by the red coating and the mass of flesh below you ceases movement, you toss your blood stained helmet to the floor, letting out a deep sigh as the adrenaline slowly fades from your body.
>Turning around, you slowly slide off the giant's body, hopping on to the floor.
>Your hooves contact the floor, the entire crowd looking on in anxious anticipation.
>You rear back on your hindlegs, the blood dripping from your body in a terrifying fashion.
"Well!? Who's next!? Who wants a piece of Rainbow Dash!?"
>Holding your arms out in a cocky stance, you take a single step foreword before promptly collapsing, your vision fading as the dirt becomes your pillow.

Rate how you will, if you choose to do so.

first bump of the new thread

How do you guys feel about things like poems and songs as a part of stories (not necessarily greens)?
Personally, I really like when a writer puts in that kind of effort into his world building.

>>28792933
I like it when writers try to do something extra. It makes the story feel authentic, and not like it's trying to fill out the checklist.

>>28790421
Depends on how well it's used. What I'm about to say is true for all words, but when thinking about swearing, it becomes more obvious.

Words have meaning, and they convey more than just the character's thoughts. They can convey emotion, history, attitude, and personality. If you ask me, the best way to do it is tailor swears to your characters. Like a starting question could be: would this person swear in front of their parents?

In a way, swears are sort of like big words in that you can easily tell when a writer is using them to inform the reader about characters, and when the writer's using them to make themselves look mature.

And like I said, you should take care to think about all the words your characters say, but their use of swears is the obvious place where things can go wrong.

File: rarara.jpg (31KB, 640x397px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 640x397px

>>28792373
>>28793919
>>28795040
>>28796152
>>28796932
>>28797483
>>28798484

File: 2spooky4twilight.gif (2MB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 320x240px

>>28798522

File: thisismylifenow.png (25KB, 371x159px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 371x159px

>>28798522

File: Submarine Rarity.png (4MB, 3000x2027px) Image search: [Google]

4MB, 3000x2027px

>>28799932
Holy fuck, man.

File: 1464755602494.png (751KB, 1612x1607px) Image search: [Google]

751KB, 1612x1607px

>>28799952
Such is life for the late night euro.

File: Luna, Protector of Dreams.jpg (174KB, 1920x1029px) Image search: [Google]

174KB, 1920x1029px

>>28799956
I feel you, Luna-fag.

File: 1475012731812.png (3MB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 1920x1080px

>>28799969
Not even, but I didn't have an appropriate AJ pic.

Also, to get this thread going again:
How do you juggle multiple writing projects? Do you finish one before you head to the next? Do you have a fixed schedule for when to work on which?

File: 420.png (305KB, 476x568px) Image search: [Google]

305KB, 476x568px

>>28800029
I just cry until the shit is done, man.

Going to work.

>>28800046
Work hard poner

File: ohboy.png (306KB, 325x604px) Image search: [Google]

306KB, 325x604px

Oh boy, here I go bumping again.

File: 1048038__safe_solo_screencap_cute_filly_mouth+hold_coco+pommel_paint_paintbrush_made+in+manehattan.png (285KB, 611x620px) Image search: [Google]

285KB, 611x620px

>all these bumps
>no critiques for the green ITT
bump

>>28799952
lol she's got fart bubbles

>>28800029
I have one major work, and do small shorts to reenergize myself in between.

File: WritefagAtWork.gif (2MB, 300x169px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 300x169px

>>28791511

>that familiar feeling swelled
+Use swells to maintain tense

>dust held aloft by silence
+You may have lost track of your metaphor here

>Pausing a moment, you survey your surroundings.
+Works better as its own line with the remainder as a seperate sentence.

>Giving them no more time to mount a defense, you rocket forward, each of your muscles spurring to life as you propel yourself through the air.
+Separate into two lines between 'forward' and 'each'. "Each of your muscles spurs to life...etc."

>Your first target hastily thrusts his spear forward in a panic but you easily avoid it, the smooth wood passing through your mane, opening a window to shoot your hoof forward.
+Separate into two lines between 'it' and 'the'. "The smooth wood passes through your mane...etc."

>Wasting no time...etc.
+Double predicate unnecessary. Remove ', bucking off his chest'.

>Blazing from each...etc.
+Clean up prose. Not every noun requires an adjective. i.e. "Blazing from one horror to the next, your mind achieves clarity as you feel a wayward spear sully your coat with warm red." or similar.

>You never feel more...etc.
+Confusing wording, and runs on. "Peace and clarity such as this can only be found in times like these. Everypony gives all they possess and more, knowing that to do less is treason punishable by death." Or similar.

>A raging battle...etc.
+The battle doesn't begin here. It has been ongoing. This is the first mention of 'friends' as of yet and is incongruent with the image of the lone warrior from previous lines. This line could be cut completely.

>It's the only commandment...etc.
+remove last comma.

>You had long since lost...etc.
+End with period after 'sword'. Start new line with the remainder.

>Your mind is too far gone...
+Does battle produce ultimate peaceful clarity, or senseless raging mania?

>Taking another split...etc.
+Not empty, full of the slain or injured.

>Each pony/bug...etc.
+Ponies do not grip with hooves. The tools would either be held in mouth or telekinesis.

>It's lanky, thin limbs...etc.
+Make "Just seeing them makes you feel claustrophobic." its own line.

>It wore no armor...etc.
+You don't need to say 'no armor' and 'bare skin'. Pale and white mean the same thing without additional context. Don't use two adjectives when one will suffice. "Clouds of dust rolled over it's pale, unarmored skin." or similar.

>The wind seemed...etc.
+Split into two lines between 'however' and 'each'

>The tiny soldiers...etc.
+ 'birth' should be 'berth'

>"3iT iT 1GÀ 15%Ì ww#Ì q5^ÌÀ 99C9C9C9C9C9C`CÁ"
+The creature's speech here is superfluous. It draws the reader away from your story in an attempt to see if it can be deciphered. A description of it's horrible speech would be more appropriate.

>You survey its movements...etc.
+ 'footwork' should be 'hoofwork'

>"There! It takes...etc."
+The follow up swing earlier after its first cratering blow is what convinced the character of its speed. Now it is slow to raise its club after a strike.

>You're running ful...etc.
+It was a 'rudimentary club' earlier. Now its a boulder.

>Cheering from all sides...
+You mentioned a pitched battle all around, where did the other fighters go? Why can they suddenly stop and watch?

>"After only two swings...etc"
+First its fast, then too slow, then being thrown around like it weighs nothing, then finally only has been swung twice. This needs editing for consistancy.

>The beast rears...etc.
+The boulder is a club again

>Surprised, you attempt...etc.
+If you are running and a massive boulder clips your legs, you fall and slide, not spin into the air. You seem to be deliberately avoiding descriptions that clarify if the character is flying or not. While it disguises the character's identity a bit, the confusion as to how the scene proceeds is too great.

>Nearing your target...etc.
+Broken limbs, and yet avoids a surprisingly fast and smart monster's grip with barely a try.

>A small yelp... to
>You attempt to voice...etc.
+The monster is very accomodating to allow our hero a moment to consider all of this.

>Sensing your opportuninty...etc.
+forearm should be forehoof

>Turning around... to
>You rear back...etc.
+Broken hindlegs do not allow a bit of this, even in adrenaline induced mania.

>Holding your arms...etc.
+arms should be hooves or forelegs

I like this sequence a lot. It's self contained and spurs the imagination to consider what the bigger picture is. Your imagery is good aside from the confusion over whether she's on the ground or flying at any given moment. The biggest problem I see is inconsistency in lesser details from one line to the next. Once you paint an image within the frame of your story it's difficult to change it without throwing the reader out of her immersion, and it shouldn't be done unless absolutely necessary. A good battle scene is hard to do in >greentext perspective, but it's fairly well done here. Nice job!

File: train.png (224KB, 637x347px) Image search: [Google]

224KB, 637x347px

>>28789791
Littleguy, did you find the time to take another look at my green? Eager to hear whether I managed to improve on it.
http://pastebin.com/m5yX7GSC

File: No Brakes.gif (856KB, 720x405px) Image search: [Google]

856KB, 720x405px

>>28803604

Choo Choo Motherfucker

>>28800029
I don't do multiple projects. If I'm working on something, and get an idea, it either has to be some one shot I can do in a single sitting, or I put some notes down and save it for later.

>>28804018
clickety clack

>>28803604
I actually lost the link when the thread went down, so I'm glad you came back with it. I'll have a critique for you on Monday.

File: maxresdefault.jpg (55KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

55KB, 1280x720px

Help please!

I read a fim fiction story that was really good but have forgotten the name.
The plot is something like this:

>luna gains control of equestria
>she forces twilight to be her student like with celestia
>twilight is resistant
>lewd

Luna is eventually shown to be caring after humiliating twilight for several chapters. If anyone remembers please reply.

>>28805636
Try asking the fimfiction thread

>>28807091
Ok thank you.

>>28802283
Thanks.

File: Alchemy.jpg (109KB, 449x438px) Image search: [Google]

109KB, 449x438px

>>28809256

File: 1478180098210.png (127KB, 415x541px) Image search: [Google]

127KB, 415x541px

>>28810059
That rock is not the only thing, darling.

File: 1205808__safe_oc_clothes_monochrome_oc+only_cute_smiling_looking+at+you_sketch_socks.png (85KB, 580x750px) Image search: [Google]

85KB, 580x750px

>>28810288
Fapman makes me hard too

File: 1475252449089.jpg (40KB, 499x483px) Image search: [Google]

40KB, 499x483px

>>28810466
Good taste, my man.

File: sig-4117076.Statue_of_a_pony_holding_a_flag_S2E01.png (852KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

852KB, 1280x720px

>>28802283
I got a critique on my green and who ever did it missed quite a few self explanatory things. Should I take this as a sign that I need to elaborate on these things, or that the reviewer missed them and leave them in? They're a few vital parts of the story, so I don't want to have to change them. Is the green wrong, or the reviewer?

>>28811248
Didn't mean to link your post Rosen.

I could link the green too, but I already got a review so I'm not sure its fair to get a second one.

>>28811248
Without the green in question to give context I can't really give an opinion.

File: What if I.png (156KB, 1349x911px) Image search: [Google]

156KB, 1349x911px

>>28812160

File: Not Gonna Cum in Myself.jpg (83KB, 894x894px) Image search: [Google]

83KB, 894x894px

>>28810466
>>28813458

IWTCIF

I want to cum inside Fapman

File: WHEN SOMEPONY TRIES TO BLOCK STAB THEM WITH YOUR COCK.png (360KB, 1152x648px) Image search: [Google]

360KB, 1152x648px

>>28814764
You really didn't have to explain that abbreviation.

>tfw you will never cum inside fapman

why live

File: Bukkake Rarity.gif (908KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

908KB, 640x360px

>>28816672

I'd settle for cumming on Fapman.

>>28816873
I want Fapchan to cum inside me

File: Hey Faggot.jpg (65KB, 640x400px) Image search: [Google]

65KB, 640x400px

>>28816925

You would, ya queer. <3

File: FANMADE_Rainbow_Dash_sleep.gif (62KB, 307x200px) Image search: [Google]

62KB, 307x200px

Goodnight horse

File: 1231827__safe_solo_rainbow+dash_cute_floppy+ears_sleeping_hug_dashabetes_artist-colon-darkynez.png (1MB, 2600x2200px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 2600x2200px

>>28816933
Wuv you too Fapchan

File: Surrounded.gif (718KB, 300x167px) Image search: [Google]

718KB, 300x167px

>>28819233

Not quite, Sugarcube.

We are both Polish though, so close?

File: 1467640721417.jpg (140KB, 1024x916px) Image search: [Google]

140KB, 1024x916px

>>28819271
I dunno, I'd probably let Hawkeye cum inside me too.

>>28820132

>>28821134

File: 1471996375773.png (622KB, 1078x1104px) Image search: [Google]

622KB, 1078x1104px

Heyo friends,

Got a concept that could use some kicking about and exploring. Basically just ask me questions about it so I can hammer out a world and pick up interesting ideas to follow for chapters later.

Working title is: "The Travels and Travails of Cinnabar Pie"

Story is about the titular Cinnabar Pie, also known as Cinnamon Pie, who we know these days only in name as Granny Pie/Nana Pie. Born into the stalwart Pie family on the first minute of the first day of spring, she's destined to wander and bring home tales.

Very much inspired by pic related and various themes of gypsy!Ponk, Cinnabar Pie is Pinkie seen at a different wavelength, where exploration and making stories take the place of fun and parties.

Idea is to have chapters being notable parts of her life from filly to Granny, with her finding how to overcome something terrifying (as in S1 premier,) and her discovery of the Mirror Pool, and many more non-canon places that can be cooked up.

Fun, Silly, Serious, Tender. I can see this story having a lot of potential to wander themes. Would appreciate questions and ideas to help nurture this seed.

File: 1468669478439.png (564KB, 1600x900px) Image search: [Google]

564KB, 1600x900px

>>28823138
Definitely sounds interesting.

Do the other Pies play an important role, or is Cinnabar a lone wanderer?
Are you going to write the chapters chronologically or will there be a different kind of thread?

Maybe you could write a little demo, that could give us something to latch on to and pose better questions.

File: 1474892071821.png (1MB, 5314x5699px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 5314x5699px

>>28823709
>Definitely sounds interesting.
Ay, thanks bro.

>Do the other Pies play an important role, or is Cinnabar a lone wanderer?
I think the best answer to that is 'yes'. Given the breadth of time this story can take place in (basically an entire lifetime,) there is certainly a chance other Pie members will play roles of some import. I am already considering Igneous' birth and such, and I think his firm desire to set down roots and not travel will make for a feelsy chapter, especially since he seems the sort who would develop that mindset early in life.
And of course, young Ponk interaction chapters.

>Are you going to write the chapters chronologically or will there be a different kind of thread?
I think fast and loose is best to keep up momentum. Just stories scattered around in time, kind of like how a grandmother might recount her tales- not all in a row, but the best all jumbled up together.

>Maybe you could write a little demo, that could give us something to latch on to and pose better questions.
Good idea. I'll get back to you on that.

I was planning on writing a longer length green, spanning about 75-100 posts. I'm writing the outline now, sketching scenes. How many scenes would I need to write up to reach that length? I dont want to just free form it, but I dont want to run out of points and have to wing it for some portion
>inb4 "just write the story, dont force it to some length"
>>28823138
Sounds like an awesome story, I'd read it. Will the reader know these are all stories of her life time, or will that be revealed at the end? While I hate surprise reveals like that, it might take some of the tension out of the dangerous sections of her life if they know she's telling this story now.

File: fe44734e0d78add7aeba3f9c3476987d.jpg (78KB, 720x581px) Image search: [Google]

78KB, 720x581px

>>28823976
>While I hate surprise reveals like that, it might take some of the tension out of the dangerous sections of her life if they know she's telling this story now.
I hadn't actually thought of that, anon. I intended for it to be known right off that she is Granny Pie, and thinking on it now, it should be alright. I see Cinnabar less as Daring Do and more Littlest Hobo, thought with a certain amount of mixing. Is there a genre for feels-adventure?

What exactly is a SoL story? What does it entail?

>>28824287
>What exactly is a SoL story? What does it entail?
Nothing specific. Doesn't even need to have a main character. Don't need an antagonist or anything if you don't want.

They are like little asides, just a glimpse into a normal day-in-the-life-of-X. It could be feelsy, it could be not. Kind of hard to describe, I guess. Sort of like trying to describe Action-Adventure.

Oh, there we go. opposite of action-adventure.

File: 1471965652264.png (1MB, 1587x1600px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1587x1600px

>>28824346
>opposite of action-adventure.
but it can include both action and adventure

Oh god Im going to deep

File: 1465501006273.jpg (189KB, 800x600px) Image search: [Google]

189KB, 800x600px

>>28824287
No heavy drama, no heavy action. That's what I'd say makes a SoL.

>>28824375
Hi Rok!
>>28824346
So just day to day stuff? I thought it had to be feelsy. Thanks!

>>28824414
>I thought it had to be feelsy.

It is a great medium for feelsy, but doesn't have to be. Very flexible genre.

File: 67477666.jpg (98KB, 400x400px) Image search: [Google]

98KB, 400x400px

>>28824414

>>28824568
It's me, Takumi. I'm in the Hatchi-Roku

>>28824653
Sorry Rok, I don't think any one of us are /mlp/ famous yet. It's just little ol me

File: 1465534622272.png (1MB, 1021x783px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1021x783px

>>28824744
> I don't think any one of us are /mlp/ famous yet.
One day, my friend, one day.

File: fatcat.png (143KB, 300x234px) Image search: [Google]

143KB, 300x234px

>>28789797
>https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ

File: DRAMA.gif (550KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

550KB, 640x360px

>>28824781

Sometimes it's better not to be famous. Well-known tripfags tend to attract drama, deserved or otherwise.

Got any tips on creating pony names? I know the obvious stuff, like it has to be related to the pony's personality/talent/whatever, or should be some kind of play on words where something horse related is inserted, but what is it about some names that make them feel like it's more than just two random words attached together?

>>28826966
I don't always follow those tenets. Think of them as guidelines more than hard rules. A name can be more fitting than another name. Maybe both are good. They both fit. But one fits better. That better fit is a result of creative thinking, and an understanding of the character. Rarity is a seamstress who's special talent is in gem manipulation. Shes not Thimble, or Cross Stitch or Facet or "Glitter Diva" or any other thing. She's Rarity, and it fits her character much better than most other things. For certain characters it's worth the time and effort to seriously sit and hash out your options and really try to find the best one. Of course some times you luck out and hit on it right away. Time and effort, Anon. It works every time.

Ctrl+F NaNoWriMo
>no results

For shame, /mlp/

Last time I was here I found out you guys don't like full sentences. So I won't bother coming back for critique, but as with any *channer I don't have any friends to share this with.

You fags get to read it.

I'm writing in LyX, and exporting to .pdf periodically. So hopefully by December-ish this link will go to a full fledged novella.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/dgi0wytkqb1pjhp/Roboticized.pdf?dl=0

Have fun reading.

Organized a trade for a drawing, made green as payment. The request was an SoL with DJ poner in it. I just wanna make sure it looks good before posting it.
>The thunderous hoofsteps of the dancing ponies surrounding you matches the sounds coming from the speakers, filling the room with a jumble of noises that all seemed to fit together somehow.
>As the last pump of the speakers echoes through the room, the sudden silence is filled with applause.
>Still feeling amped up from your set, you leap on top of the mix board, rearing on your hindlegs and waving to the crowd and letting out a cheer.
>Giving one final shout, the sea of ponies tiredly scamper off the dance floor, swarming the bar.
>Hopping down from the deck, your horn lights up as you float a rag to your head, wiping away a few lines of sweat.
>It always managed to impressed you just how much of a workout you got doing these shows.
>You slowly clop down the stairs, heading backstage as you search for any kind of drink and the exit, hoping to avoid the manager or that bouncer that doesn't seem to like you.
>You only threw up on him once, what's his deal?
>A few staff members give you a friendly greeting as you trot by, one even going so far as to try and start a conversation with you.
>She should've known better by now though, the second you stepped off the stage and the music stopped, the headphones went on.
>You were back in your own world now, staffing your own show in your mind.
>You flash your winning smile, trotting past the now shrugging pony.
>Not finding that drink you wanted, you make a beeline for the neon exit sign.
>Nearly bumping into several ponies on your way, you're a few steps away from the heavy wooden door when you feel a heavy tap on your shoulder.
>Your slightly damp mane jostles as you turn your head, glancing behind you.
>The club manager stands next to you, grinning as he motions for you to take off your headphones.
>"Hey Vinyl! Great set tonight, the crowd loved you."

>>28829151
>He holds out his hoof, which you eagerly bump with your own.
>"You'd be able to come in tomorrow too, right? We're going to have a big crowd again, it wouldn't be a show without you!"
>Your mind nearly caves in on itself just thinking about another show.
>Your hooves ache from standing all night, all your limbs are sore and your ears still have a faint ringing behind them.
>You lift your hoof and open your mouth to protest, but before you can say anything the managers already pacing away from you, moving on to the next starling set to perform.
>"Thanks Scratch, you're a life saver! See you then!"
>You start to give chase, but quickly give up, not wanting to interrupt his conversation with the next performer.
>Your ears droop down as you let out a quiet groan, poking the floor with your hoof before slowly walking to the door with a somber expression.
>Pushing the back door open, you step out into the frigid night time air, shivering as you start towards home.
>The jacket you had brought to the club had gotten soaked earlier by some mare who had a little too much to drink, leaving your pure white coat bare.
>Your hooves ached below you, each step begging your tired legs for a rest.
>The bright streets of Ponyville bustled around you, full of ponies heading home after a long night of fun.
>You waved at a few passing ponies, offering a few hoof bumps from tired club-goers.
>Slowly the streets emptied as the night went on, leaving yourself alone with the ponies too plastered to find their way home, opting to make a comfy streetlamp their refuge for the night.
>Grimacing at the thought of the long walk ahead of you back home, you turn up the volume on your headphones, tuning out the world around you.
>The thud of the beat against your ears raises your mood slowly, the city becoming brighter through your magenta goggles.
>The streets are totally empty now, save for the lone, wobbly looking stallion sauntering down the sidewalk.

>>28829154
>His eyes light up as he spots you, waving so violently the drink in his hoof nearly tips over.
>"H-Hey! Vinyl!"
>He breaks out into a trot, nearly tripping over his hooves, his drink sloshing around with each step.
>"Vinyl! H-Heeeeey! I saw your show tonight, you were awesome!"
>His breath smelled like he had four too many, and his slurred speech solidified that.
>You politely nod, pumping your hoof in the air.
>"I heard that you were performing again tomorrow, I'll be there then too, we could get a drink after your set. See you!"
>The wobbly stallion continues walking, stumbling into you on shaky legs.
>A large splash of his drink lands on your coat, a large stain decorating the pure white fur.
>"Sorry!"
>He waves furiously as you walk away, tired and now smelling of cheap cider.
>As soon as your house comes into view, a suprising amount of energy floods your legs, tapping into your reserves.
>You trot towards your home, rounding the corner on to the cobble path.
>Climbing the steps, you let out a sigh of relief as the familiar front door comes into view.
>Your horn lights up as you twist the doorknob, pushing the heavy wooden door open.
>The door opens easily, left unlocked for you.
>Peeling your headphones off along with your glasses, you levitate the pile of accessories to the floor, lazily tossing them aside.
>Faint dirt stains appear under each hoofstep on the carpet, forming a trail from you to the door
>Your fading mind can't be bothered to care about any of that as you make a beeline for the nearest thing softer than a streetlap to lay on.
>You flop down on the couch, your entire body rejoicing as your face hits the cushion.
>The cloth feels so much softer on your face than usual, and the smoldering ashes dimly lighting the room only serves to melt your body further into the pillows below you.
>An audible groan escapes your lips as you curl up in a tight ball, finally able to relax.

>>28829159
>Your eyelids feel heavy and your limbs feel numb as you start to drift off into sleep.
>Just before fading off, your eyes shoot open when you hear yelling from the kitchen.
>"Vinyl? Is that you?"
>The familiar voice of your roommate grows louder as she travels through the house, finally reaching the living room.
>"Vinyl! What are you doing? You've made a huge mess, I just cleaned this room an hour ago!"
>You try to protest but can only offer a waving of your hoof and a loud groan.
>"I see. Had a rough night, have we?"
>You pitifully nod your head, struggling to sit up on your tired haunches.
>"Vinyl, you're running yourself ragged with all these shows. You simply must slow down sometime."
>"If you keep making messes like this, we'll have to take on another roommate just to do the cleaning around here."
>The gray pony sits next to you, wrapping her hooves around your shoulders, pulling you into her chest.
>Not needing any further persuasion, you collapse into your friend, nuzzling against her chest fluff.
>You're only halfway in this world when she starts running her hoof through your mane, splitting the matted hair with each stroke.
>"You sleep now, we can clean all this up tomorrow."
>You slide your face down her chest to her hindlegs, nuzzling into them and closing your eyes while she pats your mane.
>Your barely conscious brain can only muster up a few final words before fading off to sleep
"Thanks Tavi, you're the be...."
>A faint chuckle accompanies your snores, the only sounds in the room.
>"Goodnight Vinyl."

>>28829151
>>28829154
>>28829159
>>28829165
Cute/10, no real flaws as far as I'm concerned.

How do I switch character perspectives well? If im writing a story with multiple characters, how do I switch perspectives between characters?

>>28830133
Are you writing in first, second or third person?

>>28830259
Also, I should mention, I'm about to head out for work, but would be glad to answer your question when I get back

>>28830259
First.

How do I go about covering a long distance of time that doesn't actually have anything story worthy in my green? My characters are crossing a large distance, but there's nothing I want to include in that section, so there's nothing to write about.

File: 1478385175356.jpg (39KB, 700x700px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 700x700px

>>28830382
If there's nothing worth writing about, then don't. Skip right ahead to the next relevant scene. Throw in a few lines to tell the reader why you made the jump and all should be well.

>>28830133
You could start with a line of clearly recognisable dialogue. If your character attaches 'darling' or 'sugarcube' to her line, the reader will understand.
Alternatively, you could have another character in the scene call you by your name.

That's what I'd do, but I'm sure there are more solutions.

If I needed another group of creatures for my characters to meet in a fantasy story, would it be better to create my own creatures, or just re-purpose creatures already in the show?

File: lyrabon.jpg (10KB, 230x220px) Image search: [Google]

10KB, 230x220px

>>28830801
If you can use creatures from the show, I'd say do so. Your readers are acquainted with those creatures and you know they'll fit in. However, since we're already in a fantasy world, it's not completely necessary and if you know a kind of creature that would fit in better, don't hesitate to use it.

When using existing ones, keep show canon in mind, when using non-canon creatures, remember that they should fit into the world of mlp.

>>28831170
>>28830469
>>28830442
Damn Rok, leave some for the rest of us!
>tfw you're not qualified to answer any of these

>>28831170
I'm working on your critique now, Rok.

>Pain.
>Nothing but pain, filling every facet of your body.
>It's better than the nothingness you expected, each jolt coursing through your limbs painfully reminding you of your viability.
>Everything is still black, your eyes refusing to open, their refusal matching the rest of your body.
>You attempt to shake your limbs, open your lips, anything at all.
>"Shit, I really can't move..."
>Your hear starts beating quicker as you realize your sudden vulnerability, unable to do anything but think.
>Your ears seem to work, the sounds of faint voices growing louder in the darkness.
>"Wait, you can't do this!"
>"The hell I can't! This is an Equestrian army fortress, we have no room to store the likes of her."
>"She's still recovering from massive injuries, did you even see what she did? She's lucky to even be alive now, we must give her time!"
>"I refuse. It's been long enough now. Either she wakes up right this instant, or we cart her down the road and leave her there.
>Your mind is still trying to process this when you feel a dull thud at your side, waves of unbridled pain coursing through your body.
>"Mercenary, wake up."
>A faint tapping begins on your forehead, your eyes slowly peeling open only to be met with the underside of a hoof.
>So far you can only move your head, and you intend to make use of that fact.
"Fuck off."
>This earns you a hearty slap across the face, which you can only growl at.
>You couldn't move anything below the shoulders, but you were already ready to fight this prick somehow.
>You were just about to take a bite out of his hoof when something shoves the voice out of the way.
>"Stop! She's clearly awake, and any more of this treatment will just agitate her wounds!"
>The hoof falls away from your face, your eyes slamming shut as the sunlight pierces through them.
>The pain fades away enough for you to get a look around you before closing them again.
>You were laying on a cloth just outside the castle walls, a thin looking tent over your head.

>>28832984
>There were a few other bodies strewn about around you, each one receiving medical attention, some of the unlucky ones receiving last rites.
>An armor clad stallion stands next to you, sneering down in your face as an all white pony pushes him away.
>"I want her out of here by the end of the day! If she's still here, I'll kill her myself and get this whole thing over with!"
>With a loud huff, the stallion trots off, head held obnoxiously high.
>Your eyes slowly become accustomed to the light as you glance around, trying to gain your bearings.
>The white mare kneels down next to you, gently laying her hooves on your chest.
>"I'm sorry about him, he doesn't think very highly of mercenaries. How are you feeling?"
"I can't move. Why can't I move? What happened?"
>"Mainly due to your efforts, the Changling attack was successfully repelled. After you collapsed on the field a band of nights sent by the Duke himself rode in and demolished the remaining troops, rescuing you on the Duke's orders. He wanted to commend your efforts, and this is how he did it."
"How long have I been here?"
>The mare pauses, raising a hoof to her chin.
>"About a week now. You woke up once a few days ago, I fed you then. I'm sure you're hungry now, I'll get you some food."
"Wait. Why can't I move?"
>"Well, your injuries are substantial. You're covered in cuts which required stitches, you have two torn tendons, and both your hindlegs were broken. I was able to fix most of it with my magic, but your limbs will be sore for a few days now. You wont be able to move till tomorrow, and you wont be able to fight again for another few weeks at least."
>Your whole body seizes at these words, desperately attempting to move.
>You can't stay here for a week, you needed to keep moving.
>Gritting your teeth, you focus all your might into moving your forearm.
>Pushing through the searing pain, you manage to raise it in the air momentarily before painfully flopping it down to the floor.

>>28832999
>"Wait, don't do that! You'll just agitate your wounds."
>"Please, just rest. What's your name? I'll go get you some food."
>You simply shake your head, focusing all your effort into sitting up.
>Pain roars through your entire body, each muscle split in half by the agony.
>You let out a low wail as your body raises, breathing heavily.
>"W-Wait! Stop, please!"
>You grunt as your body reaches the top, a new pain rising in your haunches.
"Where.... Where is my armor? I need it."
>"What do you need that for? You can't leave here, you wouldn't make it 20 yards!"
>You turn to face her, bearing your teeth, your words dripping with venom.
"You don't know anything about me. If you want to be useful, go fetch my armor. I'm leaving here now, how many bodies I leave behind is up to you."
>The startled mare stands up quickly, grumbling as she goes to search for your armor.
>Tensing up, you groan as you struggle to your hooves, your eyes tearing up as the torment spreads under your skin.
>Your legs wobble underneath you as you slowly stand, your entire body going numb from the pain.
>You feel like passing out, but you manage to force yourself along.
>You can't give up now, you have to keep moving.
>The grumpy mare comes back into your fading view, toting a bag behind her.
>"Here! If you want to die, be my guest."
>You wordlessly take the bag from her, fishing around for your armor.
>"I don't get it. All the rest of these ponies accept the kind care I provide, what makes you so special?"
>You glance up to her, grinning.
"These ponies can do what ever they want, that's their choice. I refuse to remain weak here though. I don't need your help, or anyone else's. You can tell that Duke of yours I said thanks, but next time just leave me. If I die out there, so be it. I'm just another mercenary, doesn't really matter."
>"I suppose not, but then I'd lose the chance for another valuable soldier!"

>>28833018
>You spin around to meet the voice behind you, your wounds making themselves known again at the movement.
>A short, rather chubby stallion stands behind you, his attire not suitable for a battlefield by any means.
>"I should've expected you'd be up and moving so soon. I saw you fight from my castle, and I knew you were a pony I had to meet."
>"Such ferocity, out of a mare to boot! You were something else, like an animal."
"I'm grateful for you kind words."
>The sarcasm oozed from every word out of your mouth as you turned back to your bag, slipping your chestplate over your head.
>"You seem like a mare of few words, so I'll keep this short. The Changling Empire and their reign of terror are finally on their last legs now, they're not long for this world."
>"We're planning a final assault on the main fortress, the castle Doltress to the East. I'd like for you to join our ranks. I could offer you a cushy position as my personal guard, after this one last fight there'd be no need for you to danger yourself like this any longer."
>You slowly turn to face the Duke, mindful of your injuries.
>"So, what do you say? A paid job amongst our ranks? Surely much better than the mercenary life."
>Not sparing any of your words to this royal, you simply stick out your hoof, waving it expectantly.
>"Hmm? Oh yes, your fee. Of course."
>The Duke motions to one of his many servants, taking the heavy bag from his hoof and placing it in yours.
>Extending no courtesy, your pry the bag open and meticulously count each bit.
"I have no desire to work for you, or anyone else. You just offered me a job where I don't get to fight ever again."
>Satisfied with the amount, you drop the bag in your saddlebags with a metallic clink.
"In fact, I may just go work for the Changlings for a while, even out the war a bit. Your troops are pitiful, I could mow them down no problem. Good business for me."

>>28833022
>"S-Surely you jest! A mercenary like you, turning an offer like this down? Those last few hits must've made you lose your wits!"
"Those have been gone for a long time, old man. Why do you think I do this stuff?"
"It's a fine offer, try one of the other guys out here. Just keep that "cushy position" away from me."
>"You dare speak such words to a Duke!? Guards, arrest that mare under suspicion of treason to the royal crown!"
>The two stallions step foreword, each brandishing a heavy spear, tips glinting in the sunlight.
>You simply stare the both of them down, dropping the bag and limbering up your sore limbs.
"A little fight to warm myself up? Why not? Never killed a Duke before, might be fun."
>The royal glances around nervously, refusing to meet your gaze.
>"Stop! Leave her be. If she wants to go get herself killed, so be it."
>The two guards step back, letting you turn around to the open road.
>Paying the ponies behind you no mind, you slowly start out to the road before you, taking care of your wounds.
>Each step sends a jolt of pain through your bones, but you pay them no mind.
>"I have to keep moving, no matter what."
>Before long, you had trudged on for what seemed like hours.
>The sun was fading from the sky, and the faint chirp of the woodland creatures could be heard in the distance.
>The cobble road below you seemed even more unfriendly with each step, and the forest on either side of you suddenly seemed very welcoming.
>Spotting a nice area, you pull over to the side of the road and plop down on the grass, content with using the dirt as a bed for the night.
>Not even bothering to set up a fire, your eyelids become heavy the instant you head hits the floor.
>The world slowly fades out around you, the pain in your limbs fading as you drift off to sleep.
>You're on the cusp of leaving this world for a few hours when your ears pick up a faint rustling from a nearby bush.
>You slowly sit up, noting the intense pain in your side.

>>28833034
>You gasp as a sharp pain runs across your stomach, gritting your teeth till you're fully up.
>Looking for the source of the noise hazily, you're immediately greeted by the shining tip of a spear held aloft in front of your face.
>"Well well well, just what do we have here?"

I'd like to know what you think, if you choose to do so.

goodnight

>>28803604
What you did do constitutes a step in the right direction, but it’s a small one. It appears to me that you made additions to the story, but little to no changes; most of what I took note of in the first critique still applies here. When I wrote that critique, I was suggesting you add things to the story AND make changes to what you have already, not one or the other. It’s not just a problem of brevity that you’re dealing with.

Dialogue. You’re going to need to get good at dialogue before anything significant is going to happen with this. It’s too reliant on your characters for you to get by with the minimal dialogue you have. I know, the first time around, I said that I appreciated the terseness in places, and I still kind of do, but those places where I said it didn’t work are still there. I can see that you tried to punch them up some, but it’s not working.

Good dialogue in any story, pony or otherwise, is an imitation of the conversations we have with other people. When people speak with one another, they are not usually doing it exclusively to get a point across. Interactions with people are not limited to single-sentence statements. People reply, they question, they refute what others say, because conversation isn’t about just making a statement, it’s about getting to know the other person. We’re social. 1/?

>>28833729
Lines 123, 125, 127, 129, and 131, they establish that they both recognize the train, and Douglas says they should follow the rails, and that’s it. Take note that Robert has nothing to say, and they have nothing to say to him, which is weird, but, more to the point, I want you to see how insubstantial this is in comparison to what they just saw. These three just got confirmation that they made it to Equestria, and that they all know what Equestria is. They should be a-twitter with conversation, asking how they got there, how each one knows Equestria, what their personal pony-related histories are, and so forth. It’s a great way for them to get to know one another, because it’s one thing they all have strongly in common.

It’s good that you added lines 409-446, but you need a lot more than that, and I believe that the key to improving this, too, is in your dialogue. This scene has nothing to it aside from it being a conversation, and there’s nothing you can really do to give it more content that won’t change the nature of the thing itself, which would be ill-advised. Unfortunately, if you want this scene to get off the ground, you’ll need to learn how to write dialogue. My advice, in general, would be to bite the bullet and actually write a conversation. I know you avoid it because you don’t like it, but avoiding it isn’t going to let you improve. To be specific to that scene, Lara needs to take longer to explain her actions. Her struggle to tell Robert why she’s the way she is does not come across as authentic, because all it takes is a single repetition of his question to get her to spill. Robert, meanwhile, seems to have nothing to say; he just stammers and apologizes, and it is somehow enough to draw a confession out of her. 2/?

>>28833741
It indicates that he does not have much going for him as a character. While Douglas and Lara have simplistic, and similar, personality traits, Robert floats by as a wishy-washy everyman. I didn’t pay it much attention the first time because they were all more like him, so he didn’t stand out as much to me. Now, however, with a little more given the others, Robert becomes thin. He needs a personality. Giving him one may also help you write his dialogue, because you can then ask yourself what a person with that kind of personality might say in the situations you put him in.

To get back to the scene above, if Robert has a stronger personality, then you can have him say things of substance to Lara, and she can respond in kind, based on what would make sense for someone like her to say. If you ever have trouble imagining something like that, try comparing these people to people you know in real life. Are Douglas or Lara based on anyone you know, or are acquainted with? Substitute them in your mind, and that might make it easier to imagine how a conversation would play out. It might seem silly to you, but the reader won’t know that Douglas and Lara, Friendship Express bandits, are actually just Greg and Donna from work. 3/?

>>28833765
Here’s a smaller example. Lines 60 and 61 do not pair very well. This was in the first draft too, but I failed to mention it in my first critique. Lara just woke up, looked around a little, and asked where they are, and the following line describes her as distraught. From what you’ve given me, she seems puzzled, at the worst. This is another reason to improve your dialogue: you suddenly no longer need sentences like line 61. If you can make Lara sound distraught from what she says, you won’t need to tell me that she is. That same exact point applies to lines 144 and 301. Let me show you what I mean.

>The girl still looks confused.
“But where are we?”
>You wish you could tell her, she looks so distraught.

I rewrite it thus:

“But… wait, I don’t understand. What is this place? How long have I been just sleeping here? How did I get here? What—?”
>Douglas raises a hand, cutting her off.
“I wish I could tell you, lass. We’re just as confused as you.”

She indicates her distressed state of mind by hitting them with a lot of questions, and Douglas shows his steady, patient side with an empathetic, simple answer. I wouldn’t need to explain their feelings in the prose, because they would be evident in the things they say. I do this, not to rub your face in it, but to show you that reworking your dialogue wouldn't require an overwhelming change.

You were correct to add in more dialogue with them on the train to the hive, when the topic of violence comes up, but you need more. There are only three spoken lines in what you added. It might have taken a while to create them, but it takes me something like ten seconds to read it. Keep that in mind: reading is faster than writing. One could spend two or three hours fine-tuning an action sequence, and the reader is going to blast through it in the space of five minutes or fewer. 4/?

>>28833803
Anyway, three extra spoken lines are not enough for either the topic to be properly explored or for any new information to come about your characters. The Elements of Harmony, not being the story’s focus, don’t need any especial treatment, but Douglas isn’t doing anything new here. Instead of writing in the prose what sort of conclusions can be drawn from what he says, just have someone ask him follow-up questions. Have the characters explore the thing and draw the conclusions themselves, instead of giving it to us straight.

I know that a lot of this advice is going to sound daunting to someone who doesn’t make it their business to practice dialogue; I want to impress upon you how multifaceted it is, and so make you realize that there’s no good workaround for it. My best advice, at this stage, I believe is what I said earlier: sit yourself down and just write it. Take characters that you’re super comfortable with and make them say some stuff. Find a prompt and write out what your characters say. You don’t have to show it to anyone, but you have to do it in order to get better.

Are you ready to move on to something else? I’m gonna hit you with something different.

On lines 83-85, I wonder why you bother mentioning his random thought, if you’re going to reveal that they’re in Equestria so shortly. If you want to foreshadow (not that there would be much point to it, because where else would they be?), you’re not giving yourself enough space for it to be that meaningful. 5/?

>>28833825
After they see the train, I think Celestia’s timing is too perfect, and not in a way that makes me think she’s up to something. The train’s already passed them by for the day; her being a couple minutes early isn’t going to change anything, so why have her come in so impeccably? It’ll make their predicament more realistic if you have them walk along the tracks for a while first. If Celestia takes her time in showing up, the implication is that she, the plot-advancing character, is doing more than waiting for the right time to descend upon the three humans. Plus, it’ll be a good opportunity for you to import some of that dialogue you so desperately need.

On line 426, you say that Robert didn’t realize that things might get emotional with him and Lara, but I don’t buy that. He doesn’t seem thick enough to me to not make the connection that a conversation topic regarding Lara’s very clearly emotional reactions would lead to her being emotional at him. Get what I mean?

Lines 489-491 do not, in my opinion, count for “upping the pressure.” He just raises his voice a little. If that’s all it took to get the pony to talk, you don’t need to make special mention of it in your prose. Douglas isn’t doing anything special, he’s not going to any sort of uncommon measures to get this pony to tell him what he wants.

You don’t need line 548. It’s quite clear what needs to be done already.

The plan that they have on lines 835-855 doesn’t hold any water. If the magical weapons are the only things keeping Chrysalis from going nuts on them, then how does anyone figure they’ll get her to scrub floors? The instant she’s unsupervised, she’ll affect an escape, and there’s no way Twilight doesn’t know that. Unless they’re going to just have someone guarding her every second of every day, which is equally ridiculous. 6/7

>>28833847
On line 860, you have Twilight put Chrysalis to sleep. If she can do that, why did they not save themselves a lot of trouble and knock her out right at the beginning? For that matter, why did Twilight not do that when they were taking the humans in for questioning?

Overall, you still have a lot to improve on, and nearly all of it stems from, say it with me, dialogue. No matter what else you do, practice writing characters talking, for that is the only way you will get any sort of improvement in that area. I can spout theoretical and technical information at you until my keyboard breaks, but if you don’t practice, none of what I have to say will be of any use to you. It might be that coming up with personalities for your characters will make dialogue easier, or it might be that their personalities will emerge the more you write them interacting with one another. Either way is fine, but the two things, personality and dialogue, are connected; both need to be good for either to be good. Outside of that, you should work on your descriptions. The settings did not have much detail, nor did the action sequences. There were superficial descriptions of things like placement of weapons and such, but not much that helped to put me in the scenes you were writing. I saved this for last as a way to show how small I think it is in comparison to your main problem. 7/7

File: pony Ben Gibbard.png (457KB, 1280x1000px) Image search: [Google]

457KB, 1280x1000px

>>28833044
I haven't the time tonight, but I will give you my thoughts on that tomorrow.

File: 1478196754121.png (367KB, 441x755px) Image search: [Google]

367KB, 441x755px

>>28833867
I guess the message about dialogue
just didn't get through my thick skull the first time, so thank you for writing another extensive piece to help me on my way.

>The plan that they have on lines 835-855 doesn’t hold any water. If the magical weapons are the only things keeping Chrysalis from going nuts on them, then how does anyone figure they’ll get her to scrub floors? The instant she’s unsupervised, she’ll affect an escape, and there’s no way Twilight doesn’t know that. Unless they’re going to just have someone guarding her every second of every day, which is equally ridiculous.
There's been shown to be magic-nullifying spells in the show, which was what I had in mind. Also, constant close supervision of a prisoner as important as Chrysalis does not sound ridiculous to me at all.

>On line 860, you have Twilight put Chrysalis to sleep. If she can do that, why did they not save themselves a lot of trouble and knock her out right at the beginning? For that matter, why did Twilight not do that when they were taking the humans in for questioning
I was thinking of a spell that can't be cast instantaneously, but I guess that's not clear to the reader. As for her not using it on the Bandits, they had their weapons at that point, you know, the magic-nullifying ones.

Thanks for your advice, I'll practice, I'll revise.

>>28832035
>you
>being less qualified than I am
Pick one, my friend.

>>28833044
I'm a big fan of this story so far. This board seems to be filled with SoL and lewd greens, so to see a gritty action green is really nice. I enjoy your writing style, and the action scenes are great. That being said, I did have a few issues. While I disagree with a lot of the things from your last critique (where RD was at in the scene and what sort of weapon the giant had seemed very explanatory to me) I do agree that your adjectives need some work. Every noun has one, and it gets redundant as the story goes on. It's ok for a thing to just be a thing, it doesn't need to be a cold, unfeeling thing, or a unrelenting thing. You had a few spelling errors, particularly in the first two posts but a simple proof reading will fix that. The last thing I noticed I also saw in the last section you posted. It seems like the green starts off really good and it's like that the whole time, but then towards the end (the last few lines) it gets really quick, almost like you're in a hurry to finish. I onto know if you are, but it eels like you're writing the entire thing in one sitting, in which case I would recommend that you take at least a small break before the end, just so you can finish off strong, like the rest of the story is.

Great stuff though, I'm a fan. I have a feeling this is going to be a longer story, so I'm excited for that. Keep it up!

>>28835682
>onto
Dont*
>eels
Feels*
Another pro tip, never ever try to write things from your phone, it never works.

writing is so fucking hard, guys. Especially if you are russiarino.

File: 1476612320513.png (1MB, 1758x933px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1758x933px

>>28835958
It is. But as long as you''re enjoying it, don't stop.

>>28835958
Writing can be tough, but that's one of the things that makes it so fun. To see Anons enjoy your story after you put so much work into it brightens up my day.

File: bump.jpg (8KB, 260x194px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 260x194px

bump

File: 1477581747626.jpg (82KB, 1234x530px) Image search: [Google]

82KB, 1234x530px

bump

Waitingformorewritefagsandcritiques bump

>>28834591
You are welcome. On the magic-nullifying spells, I thought you meant that they only applied to magic directly affecting the weapon or user, not draining the other person's magical capacity entirely. Supervising Chrysalis would be fine, but then, as you said just there, she'd be a prisoner, which is not the same as the worker your story made it seem like they wanted. The way they were talking, I thought it sounded more like they wanted to make her into an indentured servant or something. Perhaps I should have thought more literally.

With Twilight's sleep spell, and magic in general, you need to be specific in its applications if you don't want to run into minor consistency issues. I had no reason to assume that it was a slow-acting spell.

>>28833044
There's a line between grit and impossible strength, and Dash is very much in the latter category. With the injuries she's sustained rendering her comatose for as long as the white pony says, there's no way she can just push herself to walk the distance it appears she does on the same day she wakes up. Magic may have knit her bones together, but if she wakes up just barely able to move her head, then I don't see how she can progress to marching out of there in so short a space. Force of will can get her out of some sticky situations, but it won't keep her going for very long.

Having the duke jump to the conclusion to arrest her for treason is crazy sudden; it looks to me more like you wanted to stack the odds against her even more than they already are. If that is the case, and you want a "protagonist versus the world" thing, having everyone around her so easily antagonized is not a good way to go about it. It's easy, but it's not good writing, because it sucks away any pretense for complex motivation. Dash acting like a bitch to him does not mean he has to destroy her. There's nothing wrong with him giving her a dignified cold shoulder and going on his way.

Meanwhile, her reason for turning him down is interesting, and there's potential for crafting a good character out of it, but I want to caution you. Something like that can become too one-note if you don't balance it with other things. In the battle setting, it's okay, but you'll have to shift gears eventually. If you try to avoid that, the story easily becomes one montage of undifferentiated action sequences, broken only by efforts to continually increase stakes, and I've never seen that work before.

You have my interest with the premise, and the actions scenes you have so far are fairly interesting. I, like the others, will be watching.

File: littleguy_delivers.png (516KB, 750x771px) Image search: [Google]

516KB, 750x771px

>>28839819
Whoops, I think I got a little unclear there.
For keeping Chrysalis in check, I was referring to the magic inhibiting spell we saw in 'Equestria Games' (though a guard with one of the anti-magic blades would also be useful), which would make it possible to employ her as a servant, under some supervision still. (Though the prospect was mainly meant to indignify and upset her).

The swords are what protected the bandits when they first encountered Twilight since, as you said, they only protect the wielder from magic.

>>28839849
>>28839849
Thank you for the critique, I'm grateful. I am confused though, you don't think insulting a duke and discussing joining the enemy forces to slaughter more the allied troops with said duke is definitely treason?
>Something like that can become too one-note if you don't balance it with other things.
What character trait are you referring to?

>>28839849
Thank you for the critique, I'm grateful. I am confused though, you don't think insulting a duke and discussing joining the enemy forces to slaughter more of the allied troops under the dukes command is definitely treason?
>Something like that can become too one-note if you don't balance it with other things.
What character trait are you referring to?

File: NotMuchMystery.png (103KB, 266x235px) Image search: [Google]

103KB, 266x235px

>>28836146
This is why I don't write anymore. No one indicates they read all the way through, except for that one clop fic about Anon and a Saddle Arabian.

File: 1477966799865.jpg (107KB, 612x489px) Image search: [Google]

107KB, 612x489px

>>28842111
You can't just say something like that and not link the green, my friend.

>>28842111
Link that shizzle, mango
That annoys me too, a lot of Anons read your green but never actually tell you about it. The best thing you can do is check your pastebin numbers.

>>28842262
>>28842331
I don't have that one on Pastebin ... it was embarrassing.

Here's something else I wrote
http://pastebin.com/ggmSn3Am
Where the couple met. Then, they broke up here:
http://pastebin.com/wBVkfqEs
I'm ... still looking for the other thing.

http://pastebin.com/9ijupvRQ

the *ch that's infinite rather than cucked has read that one.

File: 1460874454776.jpg (34KB, 231x220px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 231x220px

>>28842650
This is great.

>>28842406
But I can see why these got less response.
First of all, they're not clop, and most Anons are suckers for clop. Secondly, they don't read that well, the flow is hampered, if you understand what I mean.

>>28844192
>not clop

Right. I don't write clop. That's why I had trouble finding the one time where I did.

>flow is hampered, if you understand
Not really. And I'm actually pretty happy with the second half; I've gone over it a few times, now.

The first half isn't quite as polished, but both are written as green, since the veritable novel isn't materializing. Greentext has sort of a hampered style, although I guess I could get rid of the
>implying
Greater-Thans and make it a prose.

One person said it was "intense" ... no one else has said anything. And the pastebin has five reads today but I copied it there just before the thread finally disappeared so that's not _quite_ the measure of eyes-on-text it sounds like.

Still, what, in your opinion, hampers the 'flow' ?

File: 1478606243192.png (128KB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

128KB, 320x240px

>>28844232
Most lines seem very short. Of course, that's a decision you as the writer can make, but in my opinion, quite a lot of those shorter lines would look better merged.
Let me give an example.
> Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
> spilling precious drops of their drink.
I would have written something along the lines of:
>Hops had been distracted all day.
>Because of it, she kept stumbling into customers, spilling precious drops of their drinks.

Or
> a mated couple, griffons, sat with a kirin.
> A sort of dragon/lion/unicorn cloven hooved thing.
Could be
>A griffon couple sat with a kirin, a creature resembling a dragon, a lion, and a unicorn at once, but with cloven hooves.

Then there's also lines like:
> Normal mane, though she wasn't sure whether to call it dingy red or bright brown.
I understand that she sees a creature with a normal mane, but because it's only indicated by two words, I start adding them myself, which hampers my reading.

Naturally, you're free to write however you like and this may very well be exactly how you want to phrase things, but this is what I mean when I say 'hampered flow', as a reader I don't want to knit (the meaning of) sentences together in my mind, I want the writer to do it for me. I should note that the second paste is much more to my liking in this regard.

File: file.png (264KB, 850x879px) Image search: [Google]

264KB, 850x879px

>>28844313
the "voice" between your version and mine is pretty steep; even if I cleared it up I would want to do so in a way that has the same tired, distracted "tone" or voice I managed the first time through.

As to 'knitting the meaning together' I know for my own reading preferences, I have a great deal more enjoyment when carefully reading reveals what casual glancing hid. It makes the text denser, more real.

Although for certain styles, the odd diction combined with slightly unclear imagery turns me off. But since these were popular authors I assume someone else loves their imagery and I didn't worry about it any further.

> I should note that the second paste is much more to my liking in this regard.

Ah; so maybe just a good once-over would fix it. I've considered it but what I really want, if I go back to that, is to make a full novella of their life and times as Quicksilver.

>>28840345
I gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

>>28840401
You're welcome. I do think what Rainbow said is treasonous, but that's not the issue. It's the quickness with which it happens. One minute, the duke is offering her the position, and the next, he's yelling for her arrest, with no further attempts to persuade her in the middle.

The character trait that I refer to is the single-minded love of combat. It oughtn't be used as the sole motivator, unless you're taking a crack at some kind of crazy character, which is dangerous territory too.

I wrote a thread-story for the Suddenly Shining thread, folks seemed to like it.

I know you guys are into this sorta thing so I figured I'd post a link here. It threads forward via replies to itself. Enjoy!

>>28812679

Suddenly, a bump!

File: 1477576847036.gif (1MB, 603x497px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 603x497px

>>28844409
>the "voice" between your version and mine is pretty steep; even if I cleared it up I would want to do so in a way that has the same tired, distracted "tone" or voice I managed the first time through.
That's fair. If you want a particular tone you should definitely give that priority over my preferences.

File: SharkWeek_Aganon.png (2MB, 2651x5732px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 2651x5732px

>>28847045
Here's the whole story, some kind anon image-ified it for me.

Guy's I need help to decide something in a story I'm writting. There is a scene I have planned to be a very emotional and a big part of the motivation for the protagonist but the scene is supposed to play out with Sunset comforting Anon or the other way around.
But I feel there is a lot of white knights Sunset stories which I would
like to avoid.
wat do?

>>28849096
A white knight attitude is characterized by the knight in question trying to make things right themselves. They insert themselves and try to "fix" things for a person in an attempt to be viewed as a hero. Have Sunset listen attentively, offer an anecdote where she had to deal with something similar and have her attempt to bolster and empower the other person to solve his own problem for himself.

>>28849096
>>28849381

As opposed to the White Knight form, where Anon tells Pinkie of his troubles, the just outside, having heard a half a dozen words, Sunset pesters Pinkie to explain what the conversation was about, but halfway through the sanitized / shortened version, Sunset hugs Pinkie by way of conversation stopper, then rushes in to interrupt Anon to shout at him
>YOU MUST DO 'x' ANON IT WILL FIX YOU RIGHT UP!

'white knights' are kinda the old form of 'sjw' -- which are needed sometimes.
In very small doses.

>>28849381
>>28849405
I guess you guys are right, its just that I have read so many stories where Anon is the white knight and fought that some people might be sick of it by now.

>>28849574
Does the solution need to involve literal fighting?

Okay, so advice above, but reverse Sunset/Anon, still applies.

It wouldn't really be "white knighting" if Sunset asks Anon to be her champion -- but maybe the best solution is for them to tackle this together?

Then, with or without physical fighting, steel plated armor, or riding Sunset into battle with a giant lance as a callback to Spike's daydream in that ep. about the diamonddogs, it's not "white knighting" because it's still Sunset's fight. Anon is just providing support.

suppressive fire from an M60 while riding a griffon definitely counts as [air] support.

>>28850817
>bump

Like, a foal bump that will be a satyr because you were with a pony but not a stallion but she was a unicorn and shoved her horn up there and filled you with a bunch of magic slime and then smoked you last remaining malboro afterwords so you had to smoke the mediocre NativeAmerican brand cigarettes?

Or just a regular bump, like you smacked your head on something...?

>>28850903

Don't you badmouth Smokin' Joe Cigarettes, boy. A carton of those, a handle of cheap whiskey and a few boxes of shells are all you need to have a real good weekend.

File: 1463549961042.gif (3MB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 640x360px

Have ponies been shown in the show to ride any sort of creatures? Like, as a form of transportation?

>>28854288
not particularly?

File: Probably Kinky.png (132KB, 535x350px) Image search: [Google]

132KB, 535x350px

>>28854288

There's a saying we have over in SiM, Anon.

Pony wears the saddle.

Anyone who bumps a thread without posting relevant content should be banned.

>>28857373
STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM

>>28857373
No, Anon, not when it's a thread to help people, you want those to be up as much as possible.

File: Pup.jpg (67KB, 640x640px) Image search: [Google]

67KB, 640x640px

>>28857373
Anon, you hurt me deeply.

File: Starwarp.jpg (8KB, 236x177px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 236x177px

>>28857373
Maybe I should just storytime random comics to pass the time.

File: 1436160698858.jpg (76KB, 288x402px) Image search: [Google]

76KB, 288x402px

>>28859710
Maybe next time. It's 12 in the morning here.

File: No Fun Allowed.gif (2MB, 480x252px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 480x252px

>>28857373

Because /mlp/ is so crowded with threads bursting with content.

Just shut the fuck up, Jamal.

>>28857373
______________bump____________

File: which_internet_website.png (8KB, 400x144px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 400x144px

page nine bump with no foals, only dots, and commas.

http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-curse-of-the-diaeresis

>>28857373
Bump

save

dbump

>>28849086
Content? Hell, I bumped it with an entire new story including images.

>>28864928
I'm still saving it harder, bitch boi

Hello, I just got my feet wet trying to write my first green longer than two posts and got two problems I want to fix.
I guessed you guys may help me either by giving a straight answer or pointing to relevant source from OP.

Problemo numero uno
>any advice about finding a will to write?
I have almost whole plot figured out, all details and dialogues, everything is in my head, but I cant find will to tapa-tap it onto pc, lack of motivation.

And also
>how do I into narrating things happening?
I can easily visualize stuff happening like I would watch a movie, but I cant find a way to write about it. I dont know how to describe characters feelings or actions other than dry and short statements. And while problem with feelings I kind of circumvent by having character just talk about how they feel, I have no idea what to do about actions. I have 1v1 chase that is crucial to the plot, I know how it goes scene after scene, but I dont know how to dress it into words. There is probably something in the OP helping with that, I would be glad for directly pointing which link is most helpful in my case.

>>28867653
Don't think about the task. Just do it. There's no magic set of words that will grant you the will power to do what you're setting out to do. You just have to set down and type. Even if it's for 15-20 minutes. That's better than nothing

>but I cant find a way to write about it. I dont know how to describe characters feelings or actions other than dry and short statements
Start reading more literature. Not greentext. Not fanfiction. Read actual literature that has been published by an author whose name any average person could reasonably recognize. Obviously popularity isn't quality, but just about anything will be a good start. If you start reading more, you'll get an idea as to how others do it.


If you want to practice that, take a simple idea, like an emotion a character's feeling, or an action they're doing, and write it out. Write it out 30 different ways.

File: 4chan.jpg (35KB, 601x601px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 601x601px

>>28867653
I can't help you; I'm a meme.

>>28867653
Theres no magic words to make you want to write, you just do it. It helps to write things you truly want to write, sticking to one genre can really fuck you over in the end.

As for the narration, practice is key. Read some actual books, and write down any descriptions you see that you really like. Do that for a while, and you'll have a nice selection of descriptions to choose from. One thing that helps is to not spoonfeed the reader, leave a little up to their imagination. Example, try
>The stallion's appearance reminded you of the night sky, massive and strangely welcoming.
Rather than
>He was a large stallion, with a dark coat.

>>28867653
>any advice about finding a will to write?
I think It's lack of concentration. Close ALL applications(especially 4chan), remove all irritations(dogs, children etc), and just sit in the quiet alone with your software for writing. And start writing something.
>how do I into narrating things happening?
read literature

File: My Fanfic.png (272KB, 500x489px) Image search: [Google]

272KB, 500x489px

>>28867653
There is no magic pill I can offer you to motivate you to write. I will say that, as a primarily Slice-of-Life writer myself, I set the scene in real life to get myself in the right mindset. A walk outdoors followed by bourbon and some quiet music (no lyrics, and different song sets for different character focus).

As for not know how to translate the images in your head into words, READ! Go to some of the generals around the board, and pick through their lists of pastebin accounts. Not sure where to start, or looking for a particular genre? ASK!

>"What's wrong little filly? You lost or something'? This sort of area is no place for a youngin like you to be in, you might even run into a few bandits if yer not careful...."
>As if on cue, the rustling in the bushes grows louder as five more shadowy figures emerge from the darkness, surrounding your meager campsite.
>The gruff voice carries on, paying no mind to those behind him.
>"I mean, you look like just the sort of mare some thug would prey on, all alone out here."
>The voice moves forward, stepping into the pale beams of moonlight, gleaming off his armor in bright spots.
>A grey stallion stands before you, covered in worn iron plates held together with dilapidated chainmail.
>Deep lines of battles past were etched in the metal, indicating urgent need of replacement.
>The spear hanging in front of your face was fighting its own battle against time, the worn down tip attached loosely to the splintered staff.
"Hard times to be a bandit, eh?"
>The stallion lets out a low chuckle, grinning and nodding his head.
>"Hey, pillaging don't bring in as much as it used to."
>He shrugs his shoulders, the lackeys behind him inching forward, blades in hoof.
>"That sort of armor yer wearin' isn't the sort of thing I'd expect to see on a mare as young as yourself either, but I suppose the whole damn world's all topsy-turvy like that these days."
>It was your turn to shrug, taking the opportunity to scoot backwards a few inches.
>You glance back to your bag, searching for the outline of your sword in the coarse cloth.
>"I'm sure you know the drill by now, hand over the armor and the bag and we'll give you at least a 20 second head start. That should be enough time to get a decent head start."
"Oh? Why that long?"
>"Makes it more fun, I suppose."
>You flash a cocky grin, but the tremors of panic were already coursing through your brain.
>"I'm not sure I can reach my sword in time, he looks like he knows how to use that thing..."

>>28871288
>"If I'm not quick enough I could end up with a spear through my neck."
"I have no time to deal with idiots like you. Leave now, and I might let you go. If you don't, you better pray for a quick death, or this could be unpleasant."
>The band of ponies simultaneously throw their heads back, echoing cackles filling the harsh night air.
>"Yer a cocky sumbitch, ain't you? Last chance, hand over the bag before things get bloody."
>A quick slash of the worn tip across your nose draws blood, enunciating his point.
>You simply grunt in reply, slowly reaching back for your bag.
>"Damn, these guys are serious. I needed a warm up at some time, but I wish I could've gotten some sleep first."
>Gripping the bag in your hoof, you eye down the leader of this group, a beastly glint in your eye.
>Slowly dragging it along the grass you bring the bag over to your chest, feeling around for the heavy sword outline beneath the dirty cloth.
>"Good filly. Now, hand over the bag, nice and slow."
>Gritting your teeth, you begin to extend your forelegs towards the darkened figure.
>Dropping the slow pace, you suddenly fling the bag forward into the visor of the stallion before you, shrouding his sight.
>Springing to life you leap forward off the ground, narrowly avoiding a well placed sword strike planted where you once sat.
>Your nimble frame flies through the air, arching over the blindly flailing spear below you.
>Thrusting your muzzle forward, you bite down on the thick cloth bag mid-leap,dragging it with you as you complete your roll.
>The force of your jump shoots you much further than the last of the group, coming to the end of your roll a few feet away from danger.
>You immediately spin around to face the party, reaching into your bag and grabbing out your.... empty scabbard.
>Your hoof endlessly searches for nothing inside the bag, praying for a weapon of some sort.
>"Shit, that dumb mare forgot to give me a sword!"

>>28871301
>As the density of the situation bears down on you, a sharp pain spreads up your side like wildfire.
>Your almost forgotten injuries make themselves known as your body jostles around, consuming each of your limbs in torment.
>"Well now, that was mighty quick. Unfortunately, it looks like you're a little outnumbered and outclassed though, especially without a sword."
>The gruff stallion steps forward, leveling his spear with your already bleeding muzzle.
>"Come on boys, let's wrap this one up quick. First one to kill her gets the new armor!"
>The stallion charges forward, slow hoof steps trodding across the grass as you frantically prepare yourself for the strike.
>You let the bandit get almost too close for comfort before snapping your head to the side, narrowly avoiding the metal tip as you lift your foreleg.
>You blast forward off your hindlegs, slamming your hoof into the thin helmet with a loud ping.
>A symphony of strain shoots down your limb, nearly crumpling you to the floor in agony.
>"There's no way I can fight like this, I'm too tired and sore. That last punch overextended my leg, I'll break it if I try that again..."
>Weighing your options you attempt to spread your wings, only to be met with that aggravating pain again.
>"I can't fly away either, I'm too weak to fly with all this armor on for now."
>A metallic clang resonates through the forest as the stallion hits the floor, his spear rolling uselessly to the side.
>You raise your forelegs again to crush him into the floor, but he manages to roll away quicker than you could drop them.
>He quickly stands up, barreling over to his comrades while tightly gripping his jaw.
>"What're you cowards waiting for!? Get her!"
>A large grin crosses your face as you lazily step forward, desperately trying to hide the sheer amount of pain filling every waking thought.
"Well? A bunch of bandits afraid of a mare? Come on, it's been too long since I've felt somepony's head under my hoof! "

>>28871309
>The quintet cautiously steps forward, taking a glancing look at each other before they charge across the moonlit grass.
>You dig your hooves into the dirt, stoically watching their movements.
>The first of the group swings his heavy sword quicker than you expected, barely giving you time to duck before slicing into a tree.
>You lift your head up in between his forelegs, swiftly smacking your head against his armored skull.
>Blood trickles down from your forehead as the stallion staggers backwards, leaving his sword in the tree with a dazed expression.
>You quickly close the gap with a tackle, ramming into his midsection as he crumples into the floor below you.
>You scramble on his chest, positioning yourself for a finishing punch to the throat when the sound of a chain slicing through the air calls your attention.
>You narrowly avoid the massive flail crashing down on you by flopping backwards, planting yourself on the grass as the heavy ball smashes into the swordsman's chest plate.
>An ear piercing scream hurdles through the night, eclipsing the cracking sound of multiple broken ribs.
>You're almost at the point of screaming as well, the once subsiding pain now wracking your body.
>Every inch of you was on fire, each movement sending you into a new level of pure agony.
>Despite this you still struggle to your hooves, gritting your teeth as the next warrior approaches, sword held high.
>As much as it hurt, these were the moments you loved the most, the ones you thrived on.
>The torment shrouding every thought in your mind reminded you that you were still alive, and the roaring fire in your chest reminded you of your one true purpose.
>Survive.
>It was the only thing you knew how to do, constantly straddling the thin line between life and death purely out of instinct.
>The large stallion thrusts his sword forward, scraping against your chest plate as he barrels into you.

>>28871315
>You ready yourself for a kick, but stallion is already swinging before you can attempt a hit.
>This one cuts into your foreleg, a large wound running down its length.
>"Damn, he's fast..."
>"I've got to keep up or this one could be a challenge."
>Swing after swing pushes you back, each one being avoided by the skin of your teeth.
>You're about to give yourself an opening to his chest when an arrows slams into the tree behind you, close enough to feel the guiding tail feathers against your nose.
>You steal a glance to the side, noting the archer attempting to hide himself in the darkness from your sight while he readies another arrow.
>Your glance encompasses the entire field, making out the forms of two more stallion's hurtling towards you, attempting to coordinate their attacks.
>"I'm having a hard time with the one, there's no way I can fight all four of them...."
>"Their armor is heavier than mine, if I took off running through the forest I doubt they could catch me."
>Your body was moving on auto pilot as your mind whirled, attempting to avoid the torrent of steel slicing the air as you looked for an opportunity to run.
>The blood streaming down your forehead was obscuring your vision as you devised a plan, the panic of death tainting your thoughts.
>Your mind was in a frenzy, whipping itself around with your body.
>All of your limbs felt ready to crumple beneath you, wobbling as you slowly dodge another swing.
>The thick handle of a spear planting itself in the floor right next to you shocked your body into sudden movement.
>Timing it with the next high swing, you drop your whole body to the floor before ramming your head upwards, planting your skull in his chest.
>The blow knocks him backwards, giving you the opportunity to charge.
>You rip the arrow out of the tree next to you, clenching it tightly in your teeth as you sprint towards the panicked stallion, distancing yourself from the group behind you as another arrow flies past you.

>>28871326
>The world fades out around you as your vision fades red, the pain in your limbs completely lost in the beastly frenzy whirling in your mind.
>The bandit thrusts his sword forward in defense, the fire inside you has consumed too much of your vision to pay it any mind.
>You tear the arrow from your mouth, brandishing the sharp head as you swing it forward.
>The tip finds it target, planting itself deep in the exposed throat of the stallion below you.
>A spurt of red liquid gushes out as you drive the shaft further, the swordsman letting out a gurgled cry as he crumples to the floor.
>Sensing your opportunity to run, you leap off his chest in a panic and take off runn-
>"Shit!"
>Your entire body collapses underneath you, a foreign pain splitting through your foreleg, rendering it useless.
>You look down to your limb and are surprised to see the stallions massive sword, cleanly stuck straight through your flesh.
>The approching voices behind you spur you to life, attempting to get on your hooves again as your vision begins to fade.
>You only manage two steps before crumpling again, your body rolling into a ditch hidden by the thick brush.

bjump

File: Gildashy 2.jpg (1MB, 1024x5176px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1024x5176px

>>28873027

File: Screenshot_20161114-074425.jpg (1021KB, 1080x5363px) Image search: [Google]

1021KB, 1080x5363px

>>28873030
THE NUMBERS MASON
WHAT DO THEY MEAN

File: disdain for plebs.png (93KB, 315x282px) Image search: [Google]

93KB, 315x282px

>>28873081
haha, phoneposter can't even read fun.

>>28873088
>tfw had to open each image in a new tab to see them properly
You did this on purpose, didn't you?

>>28873135
I honestly had no idea. 4chins had this problem for a long time but usually for comics with a height longer than that.

File: 1465403199321.jpg (101KB, 960x691px) Image search: [Google]

101KB, 960x691px

bump

>>28874331
This

And the world keeps spinning

File: Megatron's entry.jpg (2MB, 1988x3056px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1988x3056px

Food for thought

bumb

>>28878732
Interesting

File: DaringDont.jpg (1008KB, 1000x1244px) Image search: [Google]

1008KB, 1000x1244px

>>28877318
Very slowly, it would seem.

Anybody here use LyX to maintain their longer fictions?

File: Fabulous.png (626KB, 453x610px) Image search: [Google]

626KB, 453x610px

Ah, 7:00AM

File: 1469038694352.jpg (2MB, 1988x3056px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1988x3056px

comic bump

File: 1479205680439.jpg (90KB, 600x800px) Image search: [Google]

90KB, 600x800px

Also I feel like we should make a thread cover of this

Goodnight

File: 1477806115284.png (286KB, 694x545px) Image search: [Google]

286KB, 694x545px

Random passerby driving thr-

>>28886149

File: Goodnight.png (332KB, 515x870px) Image search: [Google]

332KB, 515x870px

>>28884672
This.

File: 1385007838205 (1).jpg (105KB, 800x567px) Image search: [Google]

105KB, 800x567px

>>28888438

File: 1113435__twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_shipping_blushing_questionable_cute.png (1013KB, 1055x1300px) Image search: [Google]

1013KB, 1055x1300px

>>28890094

File: 1477875761037.png (370KB, 976x726px) Image search: [Google]

370KB, 976x726px

>>28890974
We trip-bumping now?

byno

File: 1479395258796.png (175KB, 1280x967px) Image search: [Google]

175KB, 1280x967px

>>28892775
I bet I can tripfag harder than you can!

Made a thread for this, but it's basically dead:

>Rainbow Dash Presents: The Leap

>There’s no better place to watch a sunset than a hill
>It’s the perfect spot to watch the brilliant star inch below the horizon and into the distance
>And on one particular hill sat one particular tree, that was one of the oldest trees in all of Equestria
>Legends say that it was older than Celestia herself, but you know what they say about legends, you have to take ‘em with a grain of salt
>The tree itself was kind’ve a tourist trap, but the only people who wanted to go there were fascinated by its age, and didn’t really want to do any sightseeing
>They just came to admire the tree for a bit, and then left without doing much else
>Anyway, this isn’t really a story about the tree, but of the pony who sat underneath it
>But unlike most of the ponies who came to this hill, she wasn’t interested in watching the sunset or studying the tree
>No, Twilight Sparkle mostly ignored the wondrous streaks that filled the sky, and instead focused on her books
>Y’see, she had recently undertaken a new pupil, like Celestia did for her, to teach the mare about the magic of friendship - or whatever
>Her student’s name was Starlight Glimmer, and she was incredible at using magic
>Like, Twilight was too, but not in the way Starlight was
>Starlight was really good at combining multiple different types of spells into one, and then using them effectively, while Twilight was just really good at memorizing and casting a lot of different magic
>Like one time, she combined a mind control spell and a desire spell, and then cast it on me and some of my friends so she could speed up her friendship lesson for the day, but then everything kind’ve fell apart when everyone doing everything they were supposed to do kind’ve overwhelmed her
>She apologized though, and that made everything better

Forgot to say I wanted some feedback. I assume that's a given though.

>>28895916
>Anyway, for some reason, Starlight’s talent made Twilight really jealous and bitter, so she had started to outright shun everyone around her and resort to coming to the hill every day for some quiet study time
>And that’s where she was now, resting comfortably against the tree all alone
>Well, that is until Rainbow Dash, the most awesome pony in all of Equestria, crashed down right beside her
>”Hey Dash,” she commented, not looking up from her book
>”Hi Twilight!” Dash enthusiastically said back. “What’chya you up to?”
>With a sigh, Twilight placed her book down, and looked over at the careless pegasus
>”Dash, I’m kind’ve in the middle of something right now. Is this important?”
>”Well I just wanted to know how you were doing…”
>”I’m fine! Happy? Can you leave me alone now?”
>With her magic, Twilight aggressively grabbed her literature off the ground, and held it out to continue reading
>”...Twilight are you still jealous over Starlight Glimmer?”
>”For the last time, Dash, I am not jealous!” she huffed
>”Okay okay, you’re not jealous… although if you’re feeling a little down, there’s this-”
>”Whatever it is, I don’t care. Now go. Away.”
>And with that, she busied herself once again with her book, leaving Rainbow Dash feeling sad and dejected
>”Alright… well if you need me, I suppose you know where to find me.”
>Without so much of a grunt of acknowledgement, Twilight tried to immerse herself in the guide once again
>And she almost succeeded, before Starlight Glimmer suddenly appeared in front of them
>”Hello Twilight!” she greeted happily
>”Oh for the love of… can I please just get some God da- oh. It’s you Starlight. Um… what do you need?”

>>28895923
>”Oh nothing really. I just wanted to stop by and see if you were on your way back to Ponyvile. We have that picnic tonight with the other gals, remember?”
>”Oh that’s tonight? Nah, I don’t think I’m going. Too much to do.”
>”Not going? But they’ve been planning this for weeks…”
>”Yeah well things come up, okay? Now if you don’t mind, I’m trying to study here, and-”
>”Twilight you’ve been up here for hours on end each day ‘studying’. It’s starting to get worrying.”
>”While I appreciate the concern, I really don’t-”
>”Y’know there’s a lot more to life than busywork,” Glimmer interrupted to the great annoyance of her teacher. “You need to learn to appreciate the little things in life, like the company of other ponies. It really clears your head.”
>”Starlight-” Twilight began through gritted teeth
>”Here, I know what’ll cheer you up! A good old-fashioned magic display!”
>Starlight then fired a brilliant beam of light into the sky, filling it with vibrant colors and bathing the entire area in warm waves
>”Oh my gosh!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed excitedly, staring up into the sky
>Each color began to slowly spin within the pole itself whilst slowly traveling up the beam in a calculated manner
>Twilight had settled across the land, allowing the gorgeous beam to be seen for miles around
>The wave of light extended far beyond the surrounding plain, making the environment glow with brilliant reds, blues, greens, and purples for several miles
>Twilight tried to resist the allure of the light, but her efforts proved to be in vain
>Slowly, she shifted her gaze towards the sky, was was struck with awe at the glory before her
>Well, until it came crashing down with seething jealousy
>”Can’t you two just leave! Me! Alone?!” she cried, as a bright light began illuminating from her own horn
>She flung her body weight towards the ground, causing a powerful wave of magic to ripple across the area

>>28895927
>She flung her body weight towards the ground, causing a powerful wave of magic to ripple across the area
>Whilst Twilight didn’t immediately notice their absence, she did notice a sudden silence encompass the area
>A wave of relief washed over her, as she slowly looked around to see if anypony was still there
>To her pleasant surprise, no one was
>She glanced upwards and found that that twilight still lingered precariously in the sky
>The field around her returned to a sleepy peacefulness, as a light breeze slowly drifted across it
>Twilight took a moment to let the stillness enveloped her, before turning back to her book
>For what seemed like hours she sat there, studying, marking down notes, reading and re-reading entire pages, until she felt she couldn’t read any longer
>Put her book down beside her, and once again peered into the sky
>To her surprise it was still twilight out
>”Jeez, how long have I been out here?” she pondered aloud. “I didn’t even feel the sun rising or setting.”
>With a grunt, she rose to her hooves, and placed the book inside her saddlebag
>She thought about just walking back to her house, but that was pretty far away, and she wanted to hit the hay as soon as possible
>So with another light “pft”, she teleported back to her tree castle and started climbing its stairs
>”I’m going to bed Spike,” she called. “Have breakfast ready for me in the morning.”
>She waited for her dragon to call back, but only silence answered her
>Her frustration quickly gave way to tiredness, and she decided to punish the dragon in the morning
>Sleep that night felt… odd
>She drifted into it pretty easily, but it felt hollow somehow
>Like she wasn’t getting any real rest despite how loudly she was snoring
>When she woke up, she felt rested, but the odd feeling lingered

>>28895944
>As she rubbed her eyes, she opened her curtains to take a look outside
>She was startled to see that not an inch of time had seemed to move since she last checked
>Unable to believe the scene before her, she continued to try to rub any and all dust out of her eyes to make sure she hadn’t been mistaken
>Yet the sun outside refused to rest
>”Spike?” she called, leaping from her bed
>The lack of a response was troubling
>She darted into the kitchen, her study, and the dragon’s tiny closet, searching for some sign of Spike’s existence
>Nothing turned up
>She then dashed from her house, and down the road to Sugarcube corner, where she opened the unlocked doors and peered inside
>”Mr. or Mrs. Cake!” she called. “Pinkie? Anyone there?”
>Yet again, no one called back
>With another “pft” of a teleport, she found herself in front of Fluttershy’s cottage
>”Butterblunder! I mean, Flutterpie! Are you home?”
>Still nothing
>The idea that everyone in Equestria had suddenly vanished slowly crept into her mind, but she quickly brushed it off
>She teleported to the Princesses’ Castle, and immediately headed for the throne room
>As she burst through the door, she found that no one was there
>No guards, no Celestia, no anyone
>She felt a slight draft whistle through the empty building, fittingly emphasising how hollow it really was
>After making sure every inch of the Castle was barren, she teleported to the Crystal Empire, and began searching the streets for any sign of life
>”Princess Cadence?” she called, as she opened the doors to the Crystal Palace. “Shining Armor? Anyone home?”
>The elegant stone palace only returned her question in an echo
>Finally coming to terms with the facts, Twilight teleported back to Celestia’s Castle, and sat down in one of the nearby rooms

>>28895949
>”So I really am the only pony in Equestria…” she muttered aloud
>Suddenly, a huge smile etched itself across her face, and she began laughing
>”I’m the only pony in Equestria! This is amazing!” she cried
>She ran out of the room, still laughing, to the large statue of Celestia sitting in the middle of the grand hall
>”Take this you pretentious white cunt!” she gleefully shouted, grabbing the statue with her magic
>With a small grunt of effort, she hurdled the statue towards the ground, shattering it into an uncountable number of pieces
>A wave of gratification washed over her, and she sprinted towards the next statue
>This one she hurdled into the wall, cracking a stone column in the process
>”How do you like that you bitch? I’m in control now! You hear me?!”
>With another fit of mad laughter, she grabbed two smaller statues, and placed one on the ground
>She paused for a moment to perfectly position one above the other, and then began hammering it into the ground
>Each small chink the statue brought a special bout of glee to the alicorn
>Finally, she had completely demolished both momentos, and tossed the fragments of one aside
>She continued to run about the castle, smashing each and every statue of Celestia she could find, until she was sure they were all ruined
>In a mad frenzy, she rushed back to the throne room, and stared devilishly at the glorified chair in the middle
>To Twilight, it was the symbol of her mentor
>The very thing that represented all that she hated the Princess for
>With narrow eyes, she began slowly charging her magic, not noticing as small crackles of lightning formed around it
>Then suddenly, she fired it at the throne, blowing it and the back wall to smithereens

>>28895955
>She took a moment to admire her work, before firing her magic at random parts of the castle, leaving enormous holes wherever she hit
>She eventually hit one too many of the pillars, and the room itself collapsed around her
>She watched in satisfaction, as pieces of debris fell smashed into the ground in front of her
>Luckily, nothing hit her, although she probably wouldn’t have cared if any did
>All that mattered was that Celestia’s precious throne room now sat in shambles around her
>She took a few moments longer to admire her handywork, before the high wore off
>With a content sigh, she made her way out of the room, kicking aside a few pieces of marble as she went, and looked out into the hall
>Happy with the numerous amount of shattered stone on the ground, she teleported back home, where she headed up the stairs to her room
>”Spike,” she called. “Make me a-”
>And then she remembered
>She was all alone
>”Right…” she said aloud. “Maybe I should try to fix this sometime soon.”
>She was in no real rush though, given that she finally had the chance to study in peace
>For what seemed like days she focused on learning how to combine spells without blowing up her house
>On occasion she would venture outside to test them out in an environment where she could be destructive without worry
>For the most part, Twilight was content with the way things were

>>28895963
>The kitchen was stocked with plenty of food - enough to last her weeks - her liquor cellar was filled to the brim, and best of all nopony was around to bug her with their “insignificant” problems
>If she ever needed something more tasty to munch on, she could quickly teleport to Sugarcube Corner to grab a cupcake or a small cake
>On occasion, she would look into how to reverse the spell that trapped her in this void, but it was by no means her top priority
>In fact the only time she really glanced into the subject was when she grew tired of reading about spell combinations
>Eventually she lost track of how much time had passed, as night had refused to fall since time stopped
>The sun still hung precariously below the horizon, refusing to let twilight pass
>It bugged the alicorn somewhat, as that was the one aspect of her life she didn’t currently have in order, but there was nothing she could do about it
>Why get all bent out of shape over something you can’t control?
>Well, Twilight thought things out of her control were fantastic things to get bent out of shape over, but whatever
>However, before long, the prolonged silence and empty world started to wear out its welcome
>The sweets around town had started to stale, the leftovers in the fridge had run out, and the buildings around town had lost their sheen
>Slowly but surely, Twilight started making more use of her liquor cellar
>Once in awhile she would call out to someone to see if anyone would answer
>But no response came
>She started losing sleep at night, starting out with just an hour or so at most, then escalating to missing entire night’s worth
>Finally, one morning she woke up far tireder than expected
>Every muscle in her body begged her to stay in bed, to not go about the day’s activities
>But she pushed back the covers anyway, and headed for the restroom
>She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and stared at her own reflection

>>28895968
>Beneath her eyes sat dark black circles, far bigger than they’d ever been before
>Her mane lay disheveled and matted atop her head, and her coat looked crusty and dull
>She smacked her dry lips a few times, and headed for her library
>Upon arrival she saw the entire thing in disarray
>Books were strewn about upon both the shelves and the ground
>Crumbs and plates from meals past fared the same fate
>The candles in the room had burned down to where just a small slab of wax remained to keep the dim light going
>And mold and grime had wedged itself into dark corners of the room
>”Wow,” the alicorn muttered aloud. ”This place has really gone to hell. No biggie though. I… I can still read and work in here. This is fine. Everything is fine... oh who the fuck am I kidding, this isn’t good at all! I’ve got to fix this!”
>She then began ferally pulling random books off her shelf to try and find some kind’ve solution
>For what seemed to be several days, she did nothing but read, and occasionally drink a glass of water
>In that time, she’d found nothing
>The only reason she stopped was because she couldn’t bear the feeling of hunger that racked her body any longer
>She whipped herself up a quick meal, and dined while she studied
>Day in and day out she spent searching her library and finding nothing of worth
>She would occasionally try a spell she’d found to no seeable avail
>As the stack of unread books grew smaller and smaller, she started venturing to the royal library in Canterlot, and to the library tucked away in the Crystal Empire
>But no matter what book she picked up, she found nothing that proved useful

>>28895974
>Desperation soon began to set in, to the point where she’d begun skimming all three libraries instead of actually sitting down and reading through each book
>”Come on. Come. On! There’s gotta be something in here to help me out…” she would occasionally say aloud
>Soon her desperation mixed with frustration and anger, and she began burning books with her magic when they didn’t yield any proper results
>Before long, she had huge piles of ash and paper scattered about the libraries
>She’d spent more time in the foreign libraries than she did her own, and had exhausted them of their literature
>As she finished the last book in the Canterlot library, she teleported back home, and glared at the novel
>With a roar of frustration, she ignited it, and grabbed the first of the last two books on her shelves
>However, this one was different than all the others
>Its cover glowed a bright lavender color, and its binding looked ancient
>It seemed to vibrate as she held it with her magic, almost beckoning her to open it
>She stared at it in shock for a few moments, almost believing that it wasn’t real
>”Sunset…” she gasped. “Sunset, how could I forget!”
>She quickly opened the book, and turned to the newest page
>In it a message was scrawled
>”Hey Twilight,” the alicorn read. “Um… all of your friends just showed up here looking for you. They wanted me to leave you a message to see if you’d respond. So… yeah. Write me back if you get this.”
>The book started to shake within Twilight’s magic grip
>She could hardly believe it… she had an actual way to contact the outside world
>After leaping into the air with joy, she grabbed a quill and ink bottle off her shelf, and began hurriedly writing
>”Sunset! Sunset I’m here! Are you there?”
>For a while, no response came
>The princess sat there in absolute silence, with the book open before her, praying that some kind’ve response would suddenly appear upon the paper

>>28895978
>”Twilight?” Sunset finally scrawled across the page. “You’re alive?”
>”Starlight! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m so glad to hear from you!”
>”Well jeez, thanks for making me feel all warm and fuzzy. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you there. I guess I’ll just leave you to whatever you’re doing at the moment..”
>”No no no! I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… I’m trapped in some void, and I don’t know how to get out!”
>”A void? What on earth do you mean? Where are you?”
>”The better question would honestly be when am I? I’ve somehow found myself stranded in some weird realm where time doesn’t move. I’m in Ponyville for sure, but I couldn’t tell you how much time’s passed since I’ve arrived.”
>”Wait what? When? How the heck did you get there?”
>”I don’t know! All I know was I cast a spell to make people disappear while Starlight was doing some kind’ve light display, and now everyone’s gone!”
>”Well I could tell you how long you’ve been away from here. It’s been about sixty-seven years since you vanished.”
>”What?!” You’re kidding me.”
>”No joke Twilight. Sorry to tell you. To be frank, you're lucky I even responded. I've been using this thing to prop up a chair that's got a leg shorter than the others. I just so happened to drop my TV remote behind it, and noticed that it was glowing. I honestly didn't want to try to get a hold you in the first place, but the others came here to see if you had wound up here, and insisted I leave at least one note in the book.."
>"How long did ponies look for me?”
>"Um, I dunnow, maybe a week?"

>>28895985
>"A week?! But... I'm the princess of friendship! Surely someone would've kept looking!"
>"I just said I don't know Twilight, sheesh. It could've been longer. Maybe a month or two. All I know is that when I went back to make a quick check-up, everyone had already given up looking for you, and that was a few weeks after they came here in the first place."
>Twilight could hardly believe what she was hearing
>No one cared that she was gone... no one had looked for her for very long
>She closed the book and laid it atop a nearby table, and lowered herself to the ground beside it, trying to keep herself from trying
>The novel lightly vibrated against the wooden stand, and Twilight absent-mindedly grabbed it with her magic
>In the purple glow, she silently read Sunset's message
>"No offense Twilight, but you're not exactly a popular pony."
>The words that had etched themselves into the page started to blur from tears
>She tried, and failed to withhold her tears, and began silently weeping
>With a cry of frustration, she hurled the book aside, and let her sorrow flow
>It soon turned to rage, as she torched her one final way of contacting her previous life, and ran for the room where the portal between hers and Sunset’s world rested
>There sat the statue, beautiful and stoic in design, lifeless in actual appearance
>The alicorn then began charging a magic blast, intending to tear open the gateway between the dimensions
>Her horn began emitting sparks and started crackling, as a violet ball began growing in size around it
>She then unleashed her spell upon the statue, and saw the actual mirrors themselves glow a vibrant white color, indicating that travel to the other world was now possible

>>28895991
>However, the light only lingered for a moment, before the statue itself began to crack
>With another vibrant flash, the statue tore itself apart, flinging pieces of marble and clay across the room in the process
>Twilight quickly erected a barrier to shield herself, looking away as several chunks of material bounced off her protection
>When the barrage of debris had finally ceased, the room was left in a heaping mess
>Marks and dents had been etched into the crystal walls of the castle where the stone had hit
>Small shards of gems had tinkered to the floor, and everything that had once stood in the room now lay in disheveled piles
>For a moment she sat there, horrified at the result as a wave of hopelessness washed over her
>Then she cried out in anguish
>She flung bits and pieces of the statue at the walls and other objects of the room, intending to defrock each and every inch of the room
>Once enough damage had been done, she ran back into her library, and torched the rest of the intact literature in there with one large beam
>As she reached for the last one on the shelf, however, she saw that the crest of an hourglass laid embedded upon the cover
>A small feeling of hope overtook her, and she got to searching the novel
>”Please… please let this have something…” she begged aloud
>Her hope diminished as each page yielded no proper solution
>Until she finally reached the last page
>”Please...let this work…” she said, as she read the spell
>WIth the last bit of energy she had, she gathered up enough magic to cast the spell, and when she released it…

>>28895999
>Nothing
>As the “pfhew” of the spell sounded, she darted out of her house, and found that Ponyville was still ghastly empty
>The reality of her situation had finally set in
>She was trapped there forever
>There were no more books out there that could help her find the solution, the royal library at Canterlot was the premiere knowledge center of the world
>”Spike?” she called out once more, in some vain hope that something actually changed. “Starlight? Rarity? F-Fluttershy?”
>Nothing
>With a heavy heart, she returned inside, and headed for her cellar
>She grabbed the last bottle of gin from the shelf, and made her way to the bathroom, where she grabbed a bottle of opioids
>She took a seat against the wall right outside her bathroom, and observed both substances
>”Welp. I suppose I have an actual valid reason to do this now.”
>Without a second thought, she popped open the cap on the medicine, and placed a dozen or so in her mouth
>She then uncorked the bottle, and began chugging its contents
>Once it’d been drained of its contents, she tossed it aside, not even bothering to look up when it sounded with a sickening crash
>Her breathing started to slow, and she could feel her heart desperately pounding in her chest
>”It’ll be okay…” she reassured herself. “In a few more minutes, I’ll be out of this hell.”
>She closed her eyes for a moment, and slowly pulled them back open
>Drowsiness was beginning to overtake her, and her heart started to wind down
>Each shaky breath seemed to echo around the room, each bink felt like sleep was overtaking her
>After what seemed like an eternity of hanging on to life’s horrid embrace, she finally managed to slip into slumber, welcoming death as she did

>>28896006


>”Gah!” she cried, as she jolted awake
>In her sudden startle, the princess flung herself to the ground below, breathing deeply to calm herself
>It suddenly became very obvious that she was still very much alive
>”Wh-what happened?” she asked. “Did… did I do it?”
>She looked above, and found that night had now fallen
>”W-what? Am I… am I back to the real world? Am I dead?”
>”Yes to your first question,” a gruff voice said beside her. “And no to the second.”
>Twilight quickly turned to see her teacher- Princess Celestia - sitting beside her, looking into the distance blankly
>Well, as blankly as Twilight had ever seen her stare
>”You’ve awoken from your slumber, and you’re alive.”
>”S-slumber? I was asleep?”
>”All study and no play drains a pony, my faithful student. I’d thought you would’ve learned that lesson a long time ago.”
>”Heh.. Heh heh… I’ve uh.. I’ve.”
>”Spare me the drivel. I care not why you’ve let yourself fret and fuss over not being able to combine spells. All I care about is your dream.”
>”My dream?”
>”Yes, your dream. Luna regaled it to me in exquisite detail.”
>Twilight suddenly recalled when she started smashing the statutes of Celestia around the palace, and broke into a cold sweat
>”Ignoring that little detail, it seems you’ve been wanting to get some alone time.”
>”Well… yeah. I do. To be honest princess, I’ve wanted to get away from everything since I came to this podunk place. I was happy back in Canterlot. I had my books, I had Spike at my beck and call, and I had all the alcohol in the world to subsidise the occasional craving. But then I came here. My house just got destroyed destroyed, Spike’s become a lot more resentful, and I need to knock back a few drinks every hours to stay sane.”

>>28896010
>”And yet when the world was stripped away from you in your dream, you wanted it all back. Why is that?”
>”I… couldn’t tell you Princess.”
>”Sure you can. You just don’t want to.”
>”...I suppose I’ve gotten used to my friends’ company.”
>”Try again. This time, be more honest.”
>Twilight glanced out to the field before her, pondering her answer carefully
>”I… I need my friends. As much as they’re a thorn in my side, and as much as I want them gone, I need them.”
>”Quite. Here’s the thing Twilight, your vision of Sunset wasn’t incorrect. You’re not very popular in the whole of Equestria.”
>The truth hurt to actually hear
>”A little hospitality and good will towards your friends might change that fact, my faithful student. Especially since you have a fresh start with young Starlight. She’s eager to learn, and being around the princess of friendships makes her absolutely giddy. It’s never too late to change the minds of your friends Twilight. You don’t have to live your life in misery.”
>The goddess observed the field herself for a few moments, taking in the scenery of ocean of green, before continuing
>”Believe me, living in isolation isn’t a fun thing to experience. I’ve done it for nearly a millennia now. It cripples the soul and tarnishes the mind.”
>”So then why don’t you change your situation around?”
>”...That’s a discussion for another day, my faithful student. As for now, heed my words. Go home to your friends. Enjoy their company. Restart your relationships.”
>Twilight paused for a few moments, before rising to her hoofs, and starting away from the hill
>She turned back to her teacher, who still sat staring blankly at the landscape
>”Are you… are you going to be heading back to your Castle, princess?”
>”In a bit, Twilight. I need to work something out before I do.”

>>28896016
>Without another word, the Alicorn headed home, where she took a moment to stare at its crystal exterior
>She sighed, and pushed the door open, hearing the sound of sweeping coming from inside
>”Spike? Is that you?” she called out
>”Yep,” she heard her dragon call back. “What’dya need?”
>”Nothing, I was just… making sure someone hadn’t snuck in.”
>”To mah knowledge, no one ‘as. ‘S been pretty peaceful while you were out.”
>”Okay, good. Um… is supper ready?”
>”’S been ready. There’s a plate waiting for ya in the kitchen.”
>”Thanks.”
>As she slowly made her way through dinner, taking an occasional sip from her flask while she ate, she reflected on the dream she had, and what - if anything - she should do to improve her stature
>She downed another gulp of liquor right when Starlight entered the kitchen
>”Hello Twilight!” she greeted. “How’s it goin’?”
>”Eh, it’s going.”
>The alicorn drained the last bit of liquid from her flask, and turned to face her student
>The unicorn stood smiling at her teacher, full of life and bubbly
>She reminded Twilight of herself as a child, so eager to learn magic, so eager to meet new ponies and have new experiences
>So eager to be in the presence of a princess
>The alicorn glanced down to the floor, somewhat ashamed of how she’d treated her prodige up until that point
>”Hey, Starlight,” she began hesitantly. “I was just thinking… maybe we could brush off the friendship lesson tomorrow, and just hang out some.”
>”What, really?”
>”Yeah. We haven’t exactly been chummy since I took you under my wing, and I think we need to change that. Y’know, to uh... further your studies.”
>”Twilight are you feeling okay?” Starlight asked worriedly. “You’re acting a little strange tonight.”
>”Let’s just say I’ve had a bit of a change in heart. So you in?”
>”I mean… sure. Sounds like it’ll be fun!"

>>28896026
>”Great. Anyway, I’m about to head off to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow Starlight.”
>”See ya!”
>The alicorn finished up her meal, and made her way to her bedroom, thinking things over as she walked
>As she laid down in her bed, she took one last peak out her window to see night had comfortably fallen
>She then pulled the covers overtop her, and fell into a quick, deep, relaxing sleep

>>28896026
Original Version this thing was based on: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/348717/the-leap

I have a noob question of fimfiction.
I didn't submit my story or put any links. Where are 5 views from? It's just counting my own f5 or what?

>>28871331
Nothing new for me to say about this, which is why it's taken me this long to say anything. Rainbow's fighting ability is as implausible now as it was in the previous installment. This makes it hard for me to accurately judge your action writing, because it seems to have only one variant: that is, Dash pushing through pain. All the other stuff in an action scene, like the tension, the sensory details, and all that are either absent or simplified into vague statements like "desperately trying to hide the sheer amount of pain filling your every waking thought." It's hard for a reader to grasp what that actually means, 'cause most readers have never experienced pain in such an extreme way, or in such an extreme situation. You have to give more detail and/or description than that. Not to mention, there's a finite amount of times Rainbow can be in extreme, body-filling pain before the whole act starts getting stale.

Are you posting as you go, or is this complete?

>>28896033
Do you have a pastebin for that? I personally prefer having a story in another tab, so I don't have to keep scrolling up through this thread. It makes it easier for me to refer to specific lines as well.

>>28896040
That would be my guess, but I'm not entirely certain.

>>28897492
I have it up on Finfiction, Pastebin, and Google Docs. Docs has some formatting changes that the others don't.

http://pastebin.com/S0dar9CQ

Google Docs with specific formatting changes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1z6d67TDKP9A5YaJ-vNbRlFAUC47Z-Gkx-d1fXcL4EfY/edit


https://www.fimfiction.net/story/354315/the-leap-rainbow-dash-presents-version

>>28897492
I'm still writing it.
While I appreciate your critique, Dash's combat ability and high threshold for pain are things I have to leave in, they're the basis for her character. It may make you glad to know that this is going to be quite the long green, and some character developing sequences are coming up soon. I wanted to take this beginning time to establish what sort of a character Dash is going to be, but my apologies if it has gone on too long. Dash'so animalistic fighting abilities will be included often, but they will be diluted with other things as the story goes on. As for the gratuitous amounts of description on her pain, I wanted to make it clear to the reader that these injuries she's wracking up are going to stay with her, they won't fade away so easily like they seem to in most media.

>>28900101
>they won't fade away so easily like they seem to in most media.
Gee you mean in other media she's like some fucking cartoon character?

good noight

>>28900203
Exactly Anon, the same cartoon where she kills multiple changelings, threatens to kill a duke, rams an arrow through someone's throat, and gets stabbe-.... Wait, you're telling me that my green is vastly different from her original media, yet she needs to have the same super cartoon healing abilities? Shit.

File: Birdfeeder.jpg (154KB, 808x960px) Image search: [Google]

154KB, 808x960px

>>28895110

You can definitely tripfag harder than me.

>>28902583
I have to appreciate the amount of effort put into the worst thing I've ever seen.

>>28902710
Well it's a joke Lauren Faust made on Twitter.

File: 682062__safe_solo_monochrome_princess+celestia_smiling_looking+at+you_sketch_belly_source+needed_pregnant.png (123KB, 875x839px) Image search: [Google]

123KB, 875x839px

>>28902072
U no it bby gurl

good morning

>>28789791

Bumpo

File: The Words of My People.png (1MB, 2534x1585px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 2534x1585px

Bump?

Would it be retarded to space dialogue in a greentext?

>>28907083
What do you mean?

>>28907097
Such as following the age old rule of indenting dialogue to signify a new speaker.

>>28907145
Can you write a quick example?

>>28907160
Yeah - have one lying around, since I revamped an entire in-progress green of mine in the aforementioned format out of subconscious acts. Mind the shitty writing, at least.

> Veering slightly away from them has no effect, as they take a step forwards— their horn shimmering with a wispish blue.

“What the fuck?”

> The horse seems taken aback.

> “What are you?” she inquires.

> You can at least tell the gender of a voice apart, you figure, clutching your head quietly.

>>28907187
I don't see why not. It makes your posts easier to read, but it takes up a lot of space.

>>28907199
Think that concurrent paragraphs that don't include speakers save that problem from being very big, at least. Also, check'd.

goodnight

File: father-son bonding.png (83KB, 1373x163px) Image search: [Google]

83KB, 1373x163px

Other than pony comics, I'll post random caps as bumps.

>when you get back into writing after a long break and receive a bunch of (you)s
Feels good

File: Waht do you mean.jpg (59KB, 640x475px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 640x475px

>>28911965
>when you write to improve your language and you get no (you) at all
Feels bad