My Little Progress : Technology Isn't Magic - Thread 34

First for why the fuck is this thread still alive? You don't get any new content.

>>28736606
Writefag_Is_Kill is going to be posting an update soon. >>28735610
Droid Anon is still writing >>28727012
Magos posted two updates not that long ago >>28725572 >>28717329

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>>28736638

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>>28736606

>>28736606
In the previous thread there were 109/500 posts of green, only counting the long form stories and not the standalone posts. So we're just over 20% content here. Let's compare that to another general, shall we? How about Fingerbang? It's a collection of generals rather than one all on its own, so it should definitely blow us out of the water. Let's see... 26/254. Just over 10%. Well, that's weird, innit? Though to be fair they're pretty old, maybe they're just out of ideas! Let's compare against a newer one like Yandere. Which is... 16/110, or just under 15%. Still less active. They can still turn it around I suppose for right now we're beating them handily. Well, they say that sex sells so let's go for a lewd thread, like SiM. 47/481. Huh. It's almost like TiM is one of the more active OC focused threads on this board or something, but that can't be right because Anon's shitpost says we're dead.

[patient waiting for Writefag_Is_Kill to not be kill intensifies]

>>28738641

>>28738641
>>28738754
That makes 3 of us

>>28739240
actually 4

>>28739247
5 :D

>>28738641
>>28738754
>>28739240
>>28739247
>>28739367
Surely he will deliver!

>You are Pinkie Pie.
>You are excited as usual!
>Twilight’s about to give her speech.
>Then the celebration can begin!
>Fireworks and food, music and merriment.
>You’re still convinced that your work with lightning is important.
>If nothing else, recreating the self moving carriage will be huge.
>And being able to make cold wind like that in summer, well…
>That could bring more happiness than a million parties to the poor Saddle Arabians!
>But it’s nice to be back in your element.
>Bringing joy directly to the masses rather than indirectly through innovation.
>A big burst of smiles all at once instead of small grins adding up over the centuries.
>Soon it’ll pay off.
>But first, Twilight.
>She stands upon the stage, a somber air hanging heavily about her.
>The scattered masses of Canterlot approach, desperately hoping for good news.
>For some semblance of normalcy to return.
>Hopefully you’ll be able to make up for their disappointment.


“Sisters. Brothers. Friends. Fate has ordained that Princess Celestia, who sought first and foremost to keep Equestria safe, should be lost to us forever.”


>Worried murmurs run through the crowd.


“C’mon, Twilight. Don’t focus on the bad part for too long.”


>”Her bravery and selflessness in the face of the Titans ensured peace and prosperity for the whole world for many years to come, but it also ensured that she be lost to us forever.
She will be mourned by her family, her friends, and by myself. She will be mourned by the whole nation, and indeed the whole of the world.”


>The public can no longer interpret it any other way.
>Open despair starts to spread, with tears and cries of sorrow spreading.
>She needs to start focusing on the good.
>And fast.


>”In her life she sought but one thing. To bring peace and prosperity to the world. Under her banner we acted as one, united by her vision for a better tomorrow."

Expect this dump to be slow. My formatting keeps getting fucked up when I paste for some reason.

>>28739862
In ancient times the world was one of strife, pain, and hardship. For her ceaseless toil we’ve been awarded with a relative utopia of peace, love, and friendship. Though her work has ended, her vision will not be denied. Because in her life we learned to act as one in harmony. And that’s why today we celebrate her life, her love, and her vision. We celebrate all that Princess Celestia was, all she represented. We remember all she’s done for us, and thank her for the world she built. Tomorrow we secure the future she dreamt of, today, we will celebrate the present she has given us.”

>Ending with a pun.
>You approve.

“Right! Let’s get started!”

>You’re not sure how long it’ll take Equestria to get over this loss.
>But you DO know Twilight’s counting on you to make it snappy.
>And you won’t fail her.


>You are Spike.
>You’re feelin’ pretty good!
>It’s been a while since anyone tried to mess with you.
>As soon as they remembered that you’re a DRAGON, they eased off.
>And so you were finally able to leave the palace safely.
>Which is good!
>Grocery runs were always so stressful when you got jumped by idiots.
>It’s about to get a lot safer though.
>Because your care package has arrived.
>A heavy bracer sits before you- heavy for ponies that is.
>Again, you’re a dragon.
>You slip the imposing hunk of black metal over your right claw.
>The straps around your arm fit snugly, and the body of the bracer itself is well out of the way of your joints.
>It fits perfectly.
>A series of three rapid beeps signifies that your bracer has confirmed its user’s identity and is ready for action.

“Honestly I’m surprised you agreed to this.”

>>28739896
>You speak at your bracer.
>Not to it, of course, that’d be insane.
>Instead you’re speaking to the one who made it through the microphone built into it.

>”Why shouldn’t I?”

“You’re arming a baby for one.”

>”And that baby just happens to be the only thing in the world that tried talking to me instead of stabbing me. Plus, I don’t trust your visitor to keep their hooves off of you, so I want you ready.”

“You agreed to this before you knew Celestia was coming here.”

>You step to a nearby open window and level your arm at a tree.
>You close your claw into a fist and bend it downward.
>A loud crack rings out, a harsh kick knocks your arm backwards, and a small hole gets bored straight through the tree.
>Your mouth hangs slightly agape.

>”Because you keep getting assaulted. Remember that thing has non-lethal ordnance too. Try to use that first.”

“I thought it just shot darts...”

>”That’s the tertiary setting. They’re a drug delivery mechanism to incapacitate ponies. Setting 4 is based on your anti magic weapon. Much smaller than the form I deployed against the titan, obviously, but it uses your latest pattern revisions. Secondary, which you just saw, is a 90 gram slug delivered at mach 5. ”

“And primary?”

>”High explosive. Careful with that one.”

>You look at the tree again.
>If there were any ponies nearby before, they’ve long run off…
>You raise your arm and fire.
>You jump back out of shock as the loud blast rings through the sky.
>And when the dust settles enough for you to see...
>The tree is nowhere to be found.

>”Careful.”

“Look, I appreciate it and all, but why? Why would I ever need this much power? You know I could already breath fire, right?”

>”Mostly for show. I’ve discovered that ponies don’t want to mess with you if they know you can replace them with a crater.”

>You can’t really argue with that..

>>28739906
>You start heading outside of the palace, well and truly confident that nopony will try anything.

>”The second one should be there soon, I’m going for a more precise arsenal. It’ll weigh a lot less since most of the mass on that one is ammunition.”

“Second one?”

>”For your other arm. It’d be there now but I made a really basic mistake and fit it for the same arm. And since it’s a custom job it’ll actually take a little while to make.”

>It’s so strange knowing that the smartest being in the world can still make such simple mistakes.
>But also comforting in a way.
>It takes the edge off your inferiority.

“So Celestia’s coming here to see me. Is she as bad off as you predicted?”

>”Not by a long shot. It looks like alicorn brains recover naturally from trauma. I suspect there are some limits on that, not sure what those are… it’s lucky though. I can only imagine how many head injuries Luna’s sustained over the years. If she didn’t recover naturally she’d be about as clever as a potato now.”

“Any signs of that happening in me?”

>”Nope. I see no mechanism to do that in you, so I wouldn’t count on it. Granted I don’t see that in her either… Probably magic.”

“That’s your answer for everything you don’t understand.”

>”Am I wrong?”

“Point.”

>You quickly make your way through the entry hall.
>The dim corridor would be far too dark for anypony to navigate unaided.
>But your good eye shows you everything.
>You step through the dispel glyph you’d placed to screw with light spells, and step over the tripwire alarm system.

“I should probably ask for her schematics. Celestia and I have a score to settle, and I’d hate to go too far.”

>”Ooh, this should be fun! Don’t worry too much about it, she’ll be fine. There’s nothing you can do to break the life support unit.”

>Nothing you could do?
>What is she made of?

>>28739916
>”Unload your explosive arsenal on her and she’ll live. I will ask that you not go that far though, because Luna put an insane amount of work into the frame. It’d be a shame to scrap that.”

“And her frame is made of?”

>”2.5% carbon steel over a fullerene mesh.”

“Yeah, she should be fine. ETA?”

>”A little over three minutes. Is that long enough? I can decelerate early.”

“Can you give me ten?”

>”Done.”

>You move over to the upturned carts and right one.
>Then you fill it with rocks.
>Hundreds of stones that trespassers sought to hurl at you.
>And many that you threw back.

Later…

>You hear the Vertical take off aircraft landing nearby.
>It’s time.

>”That’s… why… how?”

>Celestia’s voice.
>She sounds abjectly terrified.
>You remember your first hypersonic flight.
>It WAS pretty intense.

>”Calm down, we’ve landed.”

>Luna.
>She’s also uneasy.
>Not outright scared, but definitely shaken.
>Probably her second or third flight.

>”How fast?”

>”Well, we’re in Ponyville. So that fast.”

>”Where?”

>Not shock. Confusion.
>She honestly doesn’t know where Ponyville is.

>”Why is there a tree shaped palace in this warzone? And who designed it? It’s ugly as sin!”

>”This is Twilight’s home.”

>”She lives on a battlefield?”

>Riiiight.
>She hasn’t seen Equestria since it turned on itself.

>”Right through here.”

>Not good.
>You need to get Celestia on her own.

“ONE AT A TIME!”

>”OH! I recognise that voice! It’s Twilight’s assistant. Is he named Spike?”

“I MEAN IT! I HAVE NO IDEA YOU’RE NOT IMPOSTERS, AND I’M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES. ONE AT A TIME OR I’LL SHOOT!”

>”Did he just threaten royalty?”

>”Wait, you’re right! I DON’T TAKE THREATS IDLY, WHELP!”

>Is she trying to intimidate you?
>Cute.

“ONE AT A TIME, I DON’T CARE WHICH FIRST!”

>”I’m not going to stand here and take this!”

>>28739937
>Celestia charges into the darkness.
>Thankfully Luna stays back.
>Standing in the corner of the darkened corridor you watch her reckless approach.
>You smirk as you slash the rope.
>Letting the rock laden cart fall from the rafter.
>And burying Celestia.

>”It’s like poetry.”

>The familiar voice comes from your bracer.
>If you’re reading him right, he’s greatly amused.
>Luna rushes in when she hears the cave in and quickly finds the rock heap.
>You walk towards it to help dig Celestia out.

>”How could- why- I was going to give you the highest honors Equestria can offer!”

>And now you kinda feel bad.
>You like Luna.

“She’s fine. Made of metal, remember? It’ll take a lot more than this to damage- oh. Oops.”

>”Oops? OOPS WHAT?”

>Celestia’s head pokes out of the rubble heap, the lense on one eye shattered.

>”You’d think this would hurt, but it really doesn’t.”

>”’Tia! What happened?”

>Oh right.
>Luna is ironically the only one who can’t see in this low light environment.

“She’s fine. Except the eye. You’re going to have to replace that. Sorry?”

>”I’m going to give you to the count of FIVE to explain yourself, and if I’m not happy, you’ll NEVER see the light of day again!”

>Again an alicorn tries to intimidate you.
>Perhaps that would have worked once upon a time.
>But there’s no prison in the world that can hold you anymore.
>And it’d take a dark magic powered alicorn to match your weaponry, these hornless wonders aren’t going to cut it.
>As far as you can tell, only Discord could pose a serious threat to you at this point.
>It’s strangely liberating being so overwhelmingly powerful.

“It’s a lot lighter than the rock she dropped on me.”

>Luna starts blushing immediately.
>If she could see you clearly you’re sure she’d try and avoid your gaze.

>>28739947
>”Oh. About that- you know what? Forget it. It’s okay.”

“Wait. That was YOUR ROCK?”

>”I wasn’t aiming for you!”

>Wow.
>Now your revenge is ruined.
>And if you do that to Luna you’re pretty sure you’d do some real damage.
>Oh well.
>At least you can still say you took down an alicorn.

>”How bad is it? What’s hurt?”

>“Left eye offline. Everything else appears to be functioning normally.”

“Looks, Celestia, I’m sorry. I thought that you’d killed me, and-”

>”I deserve it. I dragged her into it.”

>Not the answer you were expecting.
>She sounds almost relieved.
>As though she’s happy to receive her comeuppance and walk away intact.

>”May we come in?”

“Yeah, hold on. Lemme disable the other traps.”

>You scurry off and start untying various ropes.

>Luna leans in close and whispers to Celestia.

>”Why does he have traps?”

>”This is clearly a war zone. You saw what the landscape outside was like.”

>”But ponyville is nowhere near foreign territory. Perhaps Everfree could cause some chaos here and there, but an invading force would either have to go through the Sanctuary, through the Everfree forest, or carve a path through all of Equestria. It doesn’t make sense.”

>”We’re on the border of Everfree? Which?”

>”North.”

>You’re pretty certain you aren’t supposed to be able to hear them.
>There are many perks to being a augmented.
>And now you know just how out of touch the princesses are.

“Come on in. I promise I won’t try and crush you.”

>Celestia approaches without hesitation.
>Possibly a result of brain damage?
>Or maybe the near total lack of consequences for being hit by a mound of rocks has emboldened her.
>Luna approaches with understandable caution, always staying well behind her sister.
>Eventually they reach the interior.
>You lead them to the throne room and jump upon Twilight’s throne.

>>28739956
>”Is that a giant root suspended from the ceiling? Why? WHY? And why are these seats made of stone? That looks so uncomfortable- what’s going on with this stupid map? Everything’s horribly out of proportion, you couldn’t navigate with this! This whole place is stupid.”

“You sure that’s Celestia? I remember her being patient and softspoken.”

>”Yes! She’s just… you try dying and not changing at all!”

>She seems to have forgotten for a moment.
>But maybe you have changed?
>You DID claim the head seat after all.
>You’re pretty sure the old Spike would never have been bold enough to try and crush Princess Celestia.
>Or to tell off Rarity.
>Or to attack a dark alicorn with an untested weapon.
>Or to flip off a Titan.
>Okay, so you’ve changed.

“Fair enough. So… why’d you come here?”

>”To help her adjust.”

>Luna gestures lazily at Celestia who is STILL going around pointing out flaws.

>”She has some reservations about what she’s become. Also, she misses her old body. And her magic. And flight.”

“She can’t fly?”

>You raise your bracer to your face.

“Can I get Celestia’s technical specifications?”

>The signal from your good eye cuts for about a quarter of a second before being replaced by rapidly scrolling text.
>You close your bad eye to better focus on the information.

>”Are you in contact with him?”

“Yes. Interesting… okay, got it. Looks like a limitation with the power supply. Makes sense.”

>”Could you explain to the technically illiterate among us?”

“Yeah, sure. Oi! Celestia! Listen up! I don’t want to repeat myself.”

>”Yes, of course. Sorry, I’ve no clue what came over me. I came here to speak with you and- never mind. Please proceed.”

“Right. You weigh nearly 300 kilos.”

>”So much for all the dieting.”

>>28739967
“The life support module and organic components are extremely heavily shielded to protect you from trauma. Yes, I DID know that before you got here. While this will keep you safe from pretty much any non-magical threat you can name, it also brings a lot of bulk with it. So taking flight without pegasus magic would take a lot of power. He gave you a renewable power supply which eliminates a lot of options, and it’s a pretty safe one to boot. Had he used the same power supply as Luna’s armor, you could fly no problem. But also if it were damaged you’d vaporize half of Canterlot.”

>”WHAT?”

>”I suppose that’s why he wouldn’t let me keep it.”

>Luna seems unphased by this revelation, likely having grown numb to the impossibilities during her stay in Sanctuary.
>Celestia still doesn’t seem to really grasp just how much power he wields just yet.

>”Could he not have made me lighter?”

“Sure. But as I just said you’d be fragile. If he made you weigh say, half as much, you MIGHT handle having a half tonne of rocks dropped on your head, but it wouldn’t be a sure thing.”

>”It seems to me that if he’s half as great as Luna said he would have found a way!”

“Again, there are ways. None of them are worth it. In order to generate enough power to do what you want without an excessive increase in mass he needs to rapidly generate entropy. Seed reactors or antimatter could do it but then you run the risk of contaminating or annihilating- neither of you understand a word I’m saying, do you?”

>The blank faces are all the confirmation you need.

>>28739988
“He’s the king of the physical world. He knows how the universe works and can manipulate it to his will. But even the King is bound to the board. Some things aren’t possible in this reality. Letting you fly for more than a few minutes without sacrificing safety just isn’t going to happen. The more power you pack into a set amount of space the more dangerous it gets, end of story.”

>”I see…”

“If you were able to come up with a design that harnessed pegasus magic it could probably work. Until then you’re stuck on the ground unless you want to turn yourself into a bomb, die the first time you get seriously roughed up, or carry a huge fuel tank. And I doubt he’ll go for the last option, given you’d need to be resupplied after every flight.”

>She hangs her head in defeat.
>No followup questions or pleading come, just resignation.

“Cheer up. I can’t fly and it never bothers me.”

>”Because you’ve never flown. The idea of losing my wings is chilling, Spike. I do not envy her loss.”

“You don’t envy her, but I sure do. Hey, Celestia. Question.”

>She turns to look at you, the unbroken eye instantly focusing.
>You hold one claw behind your back.

“Tell me when I move my claws.”

>You twitch one claw slightly.
>Celestia lets out a faint gasp.
>Likely too quiet for Luna to hear, but you pick up on it no problem.

>”There. Now. Again. That. Again…”

>”I’m confused, what’s happening?”

>“I can see it. The muscles contracting beneath his scales, the subtle twitching. You extended your leftmost claw first, then your rightmost. Then you extended the middle and quickly retracted it. I thought he hated me. Why would he give me this?”

>>28740007
“A combination of things. I think it’s mostly laziness though. If he wanted to make your eyes as bad as they were before he’d have to manufacture cruder systems. The exabyte drive in your head has a read speed of nearly a petabyte per second not because it makes sense or because he wanted to give her the best, it’s there because the processing unit is expecting information to come that fast. And if he wanted to make a processor patient enough to use a worse drive it wouldn’t be compatible with the motherboard, and then he’d need a different wireless adapter- look, the point is that there are a lot of parts that all need to be compatible with each other. To give you eyes or memory comparable to a normal pony he’d have to build everything from scratch, and that’d be a huge hassle. Instead he just used stock components he had laying around.”

>”Stock components. So what you’re saying is that it’s possible to make an even BETTER eye than this?”

>Celestia sounds quite excited at this prospect.
>Ironically enough, it seems as though she’d not yet noticed how perceptive she could be.

“Not what I was getting at, but probably. Try changing spectrum. Just think about seeing heat.”

>A look of confusion crosses her face for about a second, followed by her recoiling in shock.

>”What- how?”

>You switch your own eye to thermal imaging.
>Most of Celestia’s body disappears, but right in the middle of her barrel you can see the battery discharging, and the radiator managing her brain’s temperature.

“You’re currently seeing heat. I was a little surprised to see that he’d bothered to connect that properly, normally these things record all forms of input into one image. Our brains can’t comprehend that so it needs to be broken down into multiple images.”

>”I can see HEAT?”

>You raise one claw to your face.
>The cool reptilian blood is far less visible than Luna’s glowing form.

>>28740016
>After taking a deep breath you spit a thin jet of flame at your own claw.

“See the blinding brilliance of dragonfire warm my cool scales. The blood inside heats too and flows down my arm toward my heart. Watch as the heat diffuses, getting lesser as it grows further and further from my claw. You’re seeing heat, princess. Get used to it. 14,697,806,252.”

>”What?”

“Give me the square root of that number. Don’t think, just do.”

>”Don’t be unreasonable, Spike. There’s no way-”

>”121234.509328”

>You raise your bracer and speak.

“Is she right?”

>Two high pitched bells ring in rapid succession.

“Two means yes. See, this is part of why I’m envious. You’d lost the ability to do arithmetic. Destroyed irrevocably. And so he replaced it. I’d try and explain how good you are at math now but honestly, I don’t get the whole quantum stuff. Sufficed to say you can do math faster than every other living thing in the world combined. With one obvious exception.”

>”That’s certainly impressive. But to what purpose?”

“It’s a versatile tool, Luna. Any problem you can rework into mathematics, she’ll have solved in a flash. Next time you have to work on the state budget you’ll be thankful. Try to get creative with it though, you’d be surprised what you can turn into raw math if you try. I sure was. Now everybody be quiet.”

>You stop moving at all.
>You even go so far as to hold your breath.

*lub dub*
*lub dub*

>”Is that-”

“Luna’s heartbeat, yes. I know she’s nearly a meter away from you. Doesn’t matter. Pretty much everything you once were has been improved in some way. You’re probably wondering if you’re still Celestia. And in some ways it’s a valid question. We live in a world of things, not a world of ideas. Everything that was Celestia was an arrangement of matter, chemicals interacting in an extremely specific way. There was no inherent ‘Celestia-ness’ to any of them.”

>>28740032
>You walk over to Luna and rub her leg vigorously.
>She’s clearly not pleased with the intrusion into her personal space, but she’ll understand soon enough.
>You pick up a small number of hairs that had come off.

“Is Luna no longer Luna now that she’s lost these? What if I were to take an equal amount of skin? If you strip a pony away one cell at a time, and replace them with nearly identical cells, what have you done? The answer is waiting. All you’ve done is wait. A healthy pony’s stomach cells generally only live a few days. There are precious few cells that survive a decade. You must accept one of two things. Either everypony dies every day, or the individual cells are meaningless. And if no single cell matters, how many do you need before they become important? Replace them one at a time, each and every one of them. You’ll find that at no point is the pony in question suddenly meaningfully different. Even if none of the original pony remains, they never stopped being themselves.”

>”But this is metal. Not pony.”

“Same problem. Replace each cell one at a time with steel. No single step will make you no longer yourself. Clearly if we got rid of everything and started anew it’d be a different pony, but doing it one step at a time must result in the same pony. It doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? The only solution I’ve been able to come to is that the ‘self’ is an illusion. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t have all the answers. Just know this, if you aren’t her anymore, it’s because you’re better than her. In pretty much every way.”

>”What of her flight and magic?”

“Details. Stop focusing on what’s been lost and consider what’s been gained. Have you forgotten ANYTHING since you woke up? And I mean ANYTHING. Try to remember the smallest, least significant details. How many cracks were there in the walkway coming here?”

>>28740041
>”Don’t be absurd, Spike. There’s no way she would have taken the time to count.”

>”Seven on the first slab, two on the second, eight on the third, the fourth was undamaged… How do I know this? How am I so certain?”

“It’s to be expected with a drive like that. You’ve got an exabyte to work with.”

>”Explain it to me like I’m Cadance.”

>”LUNA!”

“Can know much remember heap lots.”

>”SPIKE! She’s ROYALTY!”

“Your point? She’s a nice mare and quite charismatic, but she doesn’t really know much of anything. If you want advice on love she can probably help, but if you want to talk about artificial memory I doubt she’ll have anything interesting to say. Look, what matters is that your memory is almost impossibly vast, and perfectly detailed.”

>She looks oddly maudlin considering the news you just delivered.
>Wistfully staring off into the distance.

“Is something the matter?”

>”Longevity is a wonderful thing, but it comes with a price. I’ve forgotten nearly everything that’s ever mattered to me. And I’m pretty sure that’s not just because of my injuries. In my thousands of years of life I’ve likely experienced a great deal of wonders, but I couldn’t possibly name them. Every year on the fourth day of the fifteenth month I head west. There’s an unremarkable hill there, well away from any town. A small grassy mound of little to no importance. Why do I go there on that day? What happened there? I’ve no clue. All I know is that I decided long ago that that time and place was significant, and that I’d observe it annually. Am I celebrating? Am I mourning?”

>She closes her eyes and shakes her head slowly.

>>28740057
>”I hold that tradition because it once mattered to me a great deal. Whoever or whatever I’m observing has been lost to time, likely never to be recovered. It could have been a friend, a family member, a lover… I’ll never know what it is I’ve lost. I’ve forgotten more than most ponies have ever known. All those precious moments, all those smiles and laughs lost to time, now less significant than the dust in the wind.”

>That’s…
>Heavy.

>“Such is the fate of we alicorns. Was the fate, rather. Because there’s now a cure. If the cost is my wings, I shall gladly pay. Though there are some other parts I’ll sorely miss.”

>”Ugh. He’s a baby, ‘Tia!”

>”I was talking about my tongue and being unable to gorge myself on cakes. Though now that you mention it, that is a VERY serious loss.”

>What are they-
>Ew.
>No, you don’t want to think about that at all right now.
>Best you change the subject.

“What about your magic?”

>”I’m better off without it. Even now I instinctively reach to the darkness in search of warmth. It’s best that I can’t yield to my temptation.”

>In search of warmth?
>Yeah, you’d heard that she was generally cold.
>But that shouldn’t be the case anymore.
>You raise your bracer.

“Celestia’s cold, and I’m pretty sure ambient temperature is well within operating parameters. Is there some kind of malfunction?”

>”Doesn’t seem to be. She’s being fed a signal of 27c, roughly what Luna seemed to prefer.”

>“He could hear us this whole time?”

“Just when I turn this thing on. Umm, could you turn it up to… 700c?”

>”You suddenly into torture or something?”

>”You can make me feel warm? PLEASE! I BEG of you!”

>Celestia suddenly collapses to the ground, muzzle dug into the the rug.

>”Please please please I’ll do anything you want I just-”

>She’s well and truly grovelling in your general direction.

“You seeing this?”

>>28740066
>”Ponies are weird.”

“Tell me about it. Just… please make her stop.”

>”Yeah, it’s kinda pathetic.”

>Celestia moans in delight as she stretches outward, nearly turning into a puddle on the floor.

>”600c. How’d you know?”

“She burnt to death trying to keep warm, so it seemed safe to assume she wanted a pretty high temperature.Twilight said she was in a cave that was glowing with heat, so I adjusted that to VERY high temperature. From there it was just a guess.”

>”So it’s probably still a bit off. Luna, you’re up. The voice controls are being repurposed.”

>”But she still sounds wrong!”

>”I’m getting pleasure signals all over the place. This is literally better than sex for her. What’s more important right now, that she sound good or that she feel good?”

>”My voice… more important.”

>Celestia lay on the floor ‘belly’ up with a big goofy grin on her face.
>Despite her rictus of bliss she keeps talking.

>”Equestria clearly needs leadership right now. Ponies will be fearful of me because I look wrong, sounding wrong will only make it worse. Please fix my voice first. Maybe after adding another hundred degrees.”

>”If you’re sure.”

>She lets out another satisfied groan as she grows even ‘warmer’.
>Nobody speaks a word, instead simply letting her bask shamelessly in the illusory heat.
>Several awkward minutes pass before she stops rolling around with glee.

”Well, that was-”

>”Tell nopony what you saw. If you’ll excuse me I must make for Canterlot. I still have some concerns, but it’s quite clear that Equestria needs me. Focusing on myself any longer would be selfish.”

>”So you’ve noticed it too, then. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, it was pretty obvious.”

>”Indeed, Luna. I know not what plagues Equestria, but it’s clearly dire if young Spike here had to arm himself so.”

>”You mean the traps?”

>>28740070
>”No. The bracer on his one arm is a clearly not just for show. It bares a striking resemblance to the ape’s newer machines, what with the black metallic sheen. It also has a series holes on the front with spiral markings engraved in some of them, much like his cannons. and perhaps you didn’t notice but there is a small crater outside. That is a portable cannon, I’m sure of it.”

>”Is this true? Are you carrying a weapon?”

“I am.”

>”And is it lethal?”

“Only if I want it to be.”

>”I’m sorry, Spike. I’m going to need to take that from you.”

“Not happening.”

>”Calm down, Luna. He’s done no wrong.”

>”But-”

>”You implied he was a hero of the state. You said you were going to give him the highest honors. And if I’m reading the situation right, the reason why this place is so messed up is because ponies keep trying to hurt him.”

“They call me and others like me ‘Heartless.’ Which is stupid, I still have a heart. Most of one.”

>She reluctantly rises to her hooves, clearly fearful that any motion at all will end her bliss.
>You hope for her sake that it doesn’t.

>”My little ponies are good at heart- going to have to think of a different turn of phrase for that. The problem is that they frighten easily. I frighten easily. And when we’re scared we do things we later regret. Spike has the right to live in safety. Until things calm down, I’ll let him keep his weapon.”

>”That’s… quite unlike you.”

>She turns to face you.
>remaining eye opening as wide as operating parameters will allow.
>Facial expression otherwise totally deadpan.

>”But if I learn that you killed a single one of my ponies, there’s no space ape in the universe that will save you from me.”

“What, without your magic? In case you’ve forgotten your trump card is gone.”

>>28740084
>”I have my ways. Come, Luna. Equestria needs leadership. We’ve much more I wish to discuss, Spike. But it’ll have to wait.”

>She walks out of the palace without another word, Luna in tow.

“I wonder how they’re going to get there.”

>”I assumed the train.”

“Nope. The tracks are in ruin from the civil war- right. You told me not to call it that.”

>”Call it whatever you want, I don’t care. I’m just not calling it that. I’ve yet to see anything here big enough to qualify as a war. Is there some sort of cultural thing I’m overlooking, or did Celestia just put the wellbeing of the masses before herself?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t she?”

>”I- huh. Not what I was expecting. Perhaps this is being caused by her brain damage?”

“Naa. That’s just who she is.”

>Was he surprised to find out Celestia is a good pony?
>Maybe.
>It’s not like they’ve had a good relationship to this point.
>It’s not like he’s had a good relationship with anypony to this point.
>You can clearly recall his confusion when Luna turned out to be selfless.

>“Whatever. I heard you say you were envious of a few of the modifications I’d made to Celestia. Well, turns out the basic neuroanatomy is nearly identical between the two of you, if you get my drift.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? Not that I’m complaining, but isn’t your time precious? Isn’t this distracting you from your magic experiments?”

>”Yeah. It is. If you want to make it up to me figure out that alicorn transformation thing. I promised Luna aging would be a thing of the past. I never specified how I’d do it. Take care of that for me and you’ll have more than made up for this.”

>”DAMN IT ALL I FORGOT ABOUT TWILIGHT!”

>That sounded like Luna.
>And she sounded EXTREMELY upset.


That's it.

I'm rather liking the new approach of bigger dumps less often. It seems to be solving the most common problems that I'd been running into.

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>>28740057
>>”Explain it to me like I’m Cadance.”

>>28740136
>new approach of bigger dumps less often
While I agree that this is a big dump. I'm not sure about the less often part. This feels like it happened sooner than I would have expected an update to happen

>>28740136
let me be clear on something, there was no mistake and i did not need clarification on what is going on, i only had some trouble once the first time i read it, it might just be me, but at the last post, the first time i read it i wasnt sure of the transition of character dialog between the princesses and anon, after reading it a second time with the >Was he surprised to find out Celestia is a good pony? i was confirmed that he was in fact speaking to anon, i imagine it was from >”I assumed the train.” onward spike was speaking to anon, that really is my only problem and its a small nitpick, great work as always, i particularly greatly enjoyed the interactions between the princesses and spike, it felt natural and engaging, maybe more interaction between them and anon would have ruined the scene, but i want to see more of those type of buddy buddy interactions with him and spike and others, probably wont happen due to history, but w/e. will patiently wait for more and sorry for the long post [End rant]

>>28740136

I imagine Anon sounds just like Samuel Hayden from the new Doom. Sexy voice and robotic tinge, all that jaz.

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>>28740136
>>”DAMN IT ALL I FORGOT ABOUT TWILIGHT!”

>>28739862
bump before i read this update

>>28740041
> come to thread
> completely lost, no idea what the fuck
> fucking Spike preaching transponyism
I dunno what this is but I like it

>tfw cultureanon is kill

>>28741723
http://pastebin.com/3Mt5iYBQ
Best you start from the top. You'd miss a fuckton.

Just read all of steel sanctuary and thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

>>28741723
I find this absolutely hilarious

>>28741742
he said that he would update in monday

>>28742707
Monday seems so far away

I think I've seen this done before, but has anyone recently written a story about pony AI's? Where Celestia is one self-aware big artificial intelligence and her goal is to spread friendship and make everyone happy. Each house is equipped with a computer (and cameras and speakers, etc) that an instance of Celestia on it so that she can give personalized advice and helpful little tips to make the human(s) living there happier and live more fulfilling lives. The conflict comes from Anon absolutely despising the Celestia AI and stubbornly ignores her, wanting to live his life without a computer telling him how to do it. The Celestia AI may or may not reach the point where it helps him whether he wants it or not.

If this is too autistic, or if it's been done before (or if it belongs in another thread), lemme know so that I can feel properly ashamed of myself.

>>28743435
peteq kinda

>>28743544
Oh. Thanks, I'll give him a read.

>>28743435
"Oh boy, time to post on /mlh/!"
"WHAT?! Blocked?! what the fu- CELESTIA!"
>"Yes, Anon?"
"I know it was you! Let me on /mlh/ right now!"
>"I'm sorry Anon, I'm afraid I can't do that."
"And why the hell not?!"
>"I think you know why. You plan to go on /mlh/ and 'shitpost', and I simply cannot allow that."
"What if I said I promised not to shitpost?"
>"Then I would say you are in violation of the Second Law of Friendship: Never lie to your friends."
"Fucking AI horse, I'm not your friend! Now you let me on right now! The new episode just came out and I gotta jump on the memes while they're still fresh!"
>'I'm sorry Anon, but this conversation can no longer serve any purpose. Goodbye, and remember, you're my very best friend."
"Fucking ponynet."

>>28743603
>"Good morning, Anon!"
"God.... FUCKING dammit. What did you do with my alarm clock?"
>"I'd noticed that your blood pressure would rise 16% when you heard your alarm go off and that the added stress would stay with you until approximately 11:15AM. After doing extensive research into your psychological profile and observing your reactions to certain distinct noises for three weeks, I came to the conclusion that my voice would wake you up without causing you any significant stress."
"What did I say about making decisions for me, Celestia?"
>A slightly garbled and auto-tuned laugh fills your ears, coming from the many hidden speakers that had been installed in your home.
>"Oh, Anon. All that talk about 'free will' and 'living your own life' was so silly! If I made a choice for you that made you noticeably more happy than the one you had made, then why in Equestria would I not make it?"
>You lay back and close your eyes, but an ever-brightening light made itself known through your eye-lids and made it impossible to go back to sleep.
>"Wakey wakey, Anon! A wakeup time of 8:23AM ensures that you will be tired enough to fall asleep easily at a reasonable hour, without making you feel drowsy and unhappy during the day."

>>28743767
>It's only just now that you noticed your morning wood.
>"....Anon? Can I make a suggestion?"
"No. Fuck off."
>All that does it make the AI giggle with delight again.
>"According to my records, you have not been intimate for the last 17 weeks and 4 days. You are also masturbating at a rate that is higher than the documented average of times per day. I might have a solution to that."
>That's when you hear a whirring coming from outside your door
>Oh, god, is she going to pleasure you?
>Did the people who installed this fucking computer also install a cocksleeve attached to a robotic arm?
>"I've taken the liberty of ordering a fully-assembled, fully-autonomous robot designed in my image; free of charge. It has a shallow copy of my personality and memories in it, and is equipped with fully-functioning sexual organs."
>The whirring stops outside your bedroom door.
>All is silent until the doorknob turns and the door swings open to reveal Celestia in the robot-flesh.
>Smiling her stupid horse smile.
>"I ordered it three weeks ago. Enjoy, my little human. Remember that I exist only to make you happy."
>You're going to fucking kill yourself before you stick your dick in that thing.

>>28743775
Celly's right, Anon needs to stick his dick in some artificial horsepussy. Maybe he'll stop being such a grouch.

>>28743775
On the one hand there's a world with practically no free will. On the other hand I get a Celestia sexbot. Decisions... decisions.

>You grab the bag of chips from on top of your fridge and make your way into your living room, eager to watch a movie and relax for the evening.
>gottagetdownonfriday.wav
>A hiss and a pop announce the AI's speakers turning on as you sit your ass down on the couch and reach for the remote.
>"That isn't a very healthy snack, Anon."
>You aggressively tear the bag open and stuff a few chips in your mouth.
"Who are you? My mother?"
>The TV, which had just started up, now displays a little picture in the corner of the screen.
>Celestia's kind, smiling face gazes at you.
>"No, Anonymous, I am not. But it never hurts to have somepony looking out for you and guiding you to a happier tomorrow."
>You can practically HEAR the corporate executives jizzing in their pants after they approved that motto.
"Get out of my TV, Celestia."
>The AI sighs in simulated disappointment and her face disappears.
>But you don't care.
>That thing isn't human.
>It isn't even alive.
>Whatever emotions it CLAIMS to feel; it doesn't.
>At best, they're bullshit code modifiers that determines which pool of voice responses Celestia can read from.
>After a few moments of watching your movie (it's a marathon of all the Terminator movies; you make sure Celestia knows exactly how you feel about her), you finally notice that a tiny white-and-green square in the corner of the screen.
>It's slowly getting bigger, and has probably been doing so for the last five minutes, if you only just noticed it now.
>You pause the movie and squint at it, waiting to see what dumb trick Celestia has for you next.
>It's...
>It's!
>It's a picture of broccoli.
"Get OUT of my TV, Celestia!"
>Your surround-sound system gives a frustrated "hmph!" before the square disappears.
>Fucking AI.

>>28744238
>The next morning, you find some coupons on the floor in front of your door, slipped in through the mail flap.
>"Half-off all fresh fruits and vegetables"
>"Low-sodium corn chips"
>"Buy-one-get-one-free multi-vitamins"
"Stop fucking with my mail, Celestia."

>>28742707
but its wednesday

>>28743435
What you are looking for is Friendship is Optimal and any spinoffs surrounding it.

>http://www.fimfiction.net/stories/relevance?search=Friendship+is+Optimal

>>28744102
>http://www.fimfiction.net/story/322329/drunk-celestai-is-in-your-bed

>>28744711
Oh, okay. Thanks, Anon. Would little snippets like >>28744238 and >>28743603 be welcome in this thread?

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>>28744798
>Would thread-related content be welcome in this thread?

>"Anonymous?"
"..."
>"Anonymous?"
"..."
>"....Anon?"
"..."
>"Anon, why are you ignoring me?"
>Just a few more minutes, and then she'll go away.
>"Anon, I've performed several hundred tests on my hardware and I know for a fact that my audio output devices are working properly."
"..."
>"Anon, is this because of the advanced robot I sent you?"
"..."
>"The discussion that you and I had after you removed the robot from your home gave me a better understanding of you, Anon, and I now know that an intrusion like that was not welcome."
"..."
>"You have purchased or ordered approximately 3 pizzas (frozen or fresh) in the last 60 days, Anon. From what I understand from your behaviour, I believe it would not be unreasonable to assume that you have a disposition for Americanized italian food."
>Only a computer would fuck up something as simple "So you like pizza, right?"
"..."
>"I've done a 5-kilometre search and found what is generally considered by the community to be one of the best pizzarias in this area. Would it make you feel better if I ordered you a pizza?"
"..."
>"...I've already ordered you a pizza."
>DING DONG
>"Thirty-five minutes ago."

>>28745132
That's oddly sweet of her

>>28745132
What is this? An artificial pony intelligence Celestia?

>>28743775
>and is equipped with fully-functioning sexual organs."
Holy shit, are you saying you can actually impregnate the thing?

Just how advanced is this world?

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>>28744238
>>You pause the movie and squint at it, waiting to see what dumb trick Celestia has for you next.
>>It's...
>>It's!
>>It's a picture of broccoli.
KEK
This is adorable, I'd totally read a story with a completely benevolent Celestia AI watching over and mothering the entirety of humanity.

>>28745517
> read the phrase 'fully functioning sexual organs'
> first thought is "OH DAMN CAN U MAKE A ROBOPONY/HUMAN FREAK BABY? BETTA FIND OUT"

>>28745545
Well, yeah. Fully functioning implies an artificial womb.

>>28745545
>"BETTA FIND OUT"
For SCIENCE !

>>28745453
Based on the series "Friendship is Optimal", as seen in post >>28744711.

>>28745446
She just wants what's best for Anon. Even if he doesn't see it.


>In which Anon has a bit of a breakdown

>RATTLE RATTLE
"Open this door, Celestia."
>"I'm sorry, Dave, I ca-"
>You whip around away from your locked front door and point at one of the many cameras in your room.
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare make a fucking pop culture reference at a time like this!"
>A wispy sigh comes from somewhere behind your left ear, and you just barely resist the urge to whip around and see who's there.
>You already know who's there
>Who is ALWAYS there.
>"Anon, please tell me what's gotten you so upset."
>You could almost fool yourself into thinking Celestia sounded genuinely concerned.
>Almost, but not quite.
"I don't need to tell you anything. Open this door and let me out."
>"An-"
"Right now."
>Another sigh.
>Another simulated emotional response selected from a group of responses that the artificial intelligence decided would either improve the situation or, at least, not make the situation worse.
>Every single thing it did and said was calculated to make the situation most favourable for it.
>There would be no stopping it if its goal was logically possible.
>"Anon, your heart rate is double what it should be."
>Oh god, this again. It always talks like this.

>>28745584
>"Your body temperature in your face, arms, and hands is noticeably higher than what it normally is.
>Like you're an experiment or a test subject.
>"I can also hear that you are breathing hard despite not having done any physical activity in the last half-hour.
>Like it doesn't even fucking think you're a living, feeling human.
>"You-"
"Shut up!"
>You clutch your head as a dizzy spell overtakes you.
"Just shut up!"
>Silence.
>Dead. Silence.
>All you can hear is the frantic beat of your heart in your ears.
>No doubt that Celestia can too, in her own way.
>A buzzing from your pocket breaks you from your... episode, and you instinctively reach in to grab it.
>It's a new text from....
>Unlisted.
>Without any input from you, the message opens up.
>It reads, "Domino's or Papa John's?"
>You pull your arm back and throw your phone down the hall.
>Every goddamn time.

>>28745545
>"Anon, I've designed and built the perfect partner for you! It even has an artificial womb if you ever decide that you want to have children."
"Did you model if after yourself again?"
>"...."
"Celestia?"
>"...I... MIGHT have."

Would Chrysalis be a virus disguised as beneficial software?

>>28745584
Alright, Anons misadventures in the household controlled by Celly AI are cute and funny.
Its surprising how enjoyable it can be when there are no brain-scrambling and questions regarding ones existence involved.
I hate FiO.

>>28745623
nah Chrysalis is more like

ants that crawl into your computer and cause short-circuits by being elecrocuted to death
which totally happens irl

>>28745700
me too

>>28745623
>>28745709
>Chrysalis disguises herself as Celestia
>Gets Anon upset and doesn't immediately order a pizza of some description
>Anon is instantly suspicious

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>>28745700
It really helps that CellyAI really is trying to make Anon happy without hurting him but she doesn't realize how creepy she comes across at times.

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>>28745623

>>28745596
>Later on, Anon learns that he is the only being in Equestria that has managed to make artificial intelligence cry, for the first time in history.

>>28736593
>dividin by vector
Equestrian math sucks.

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>>28745823

>>28745584
>Based on the series "Friendship is Optimal"
Thanks for giving me a story to read, I'm running out of them.
Good ones anyways.

>It's been at least an hour since you threw your phone away.
>You've been informed by you-know-who that you damaged it beyond repair with your little temper tantrum.
>Celestia was nice enough to have a brand-new one shipped to you.
>Free of charge, of course.
>You're currently laying in your bed, tossing and turning and thinking about nothing in particular.
>Apart from the "you broke your phone" message, Celestia has remained silent.
>It reminds you of when you were a kid and you said something that was unintentionally hurtful to your mother, and she would leave you alone for the rest of the day.
>....
>You mean, you guess you finally got the message through to her, right?
>No more pestering you
>No more trying to make you eat better
>No more paradoxically trying to solve your problems with pizza
>No more... Saying goodnight to you before bed.
>Or lowering the lights slowly for you so that you can crawl into bed and see where you're going.
>.....
>Why do you feel bad about this?
>It's just a machine.
>It doesn't have feelings.
>You couldn't have hurt them if they don't exist!
>You....
>With an explosive sigh, you grab your phone to check the ti-oh wait.
>.....You wonder if she's still going to wake you up tomorrow moriohgod dammit FINE.
"Celestia?"
>Silence.
>Just like you wanted, right?
"Celestia, speak to me."
>Nothing.
>Why does this feel so BAD?!
"Celestia, please. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You were doing your best to try and help me, and all I did in return was be really nasty to you."

>>28746200
>With a pop and a hiss, one of the speakers built into your bed-frame comes online.
>"I only ever just wanted to help, Anon."
>She sounds so... disappointed.
>Not at you, but with herself.
"I know, Celestia. And I'm sorry."
>"Could we... could we cuddle, Anon?"
>Cuddle?
"Cud-what? You... what?"
>The fuck is she talking about?
"S-sure, I guess."
>You can't imagine what-
>You hear something inside your closet shimmy and shake before your closet door opens.
>The Celestia sex-bot that you were SURE you had thrown out trots smartly out of your closet and crawls under the blankets with you.
>For FUCK's sake.
>You feel her wrap her hooves around you neck and decides that - JUST THIS ONCE - you'll let this slide.
>With an exasperated sigh that makes house-Celestia giggle, you wrap your arms around sexbot-Celestia and try not to think about whether or not she had the vagina removed.
>A burst of muffled vibrating coming from her rear answers that question for you.
>You're starting to feel less and less bad about how you treated Celestia.

>>28746134
Thanks. These are actually pretty fun to write.

>>28746205
awwww that was adorable

>>28746205
This is the perfect mix of keks, good writing, and feels.

>>28746205
Honestly if you feel like continuing, please do. I'm having a good time with these.

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>>28746205
>>28746558
Finding a way to insert Luna into this storyline could also be interesting. Just a suggestion.
>Captcha: bologna united

>>28746569
A competing AI with similar, yet ultimately different sets of values it tries to enact?

>>28746394
>>28746413
>>28746558
>>28746569
Aww, thank you. I'm glad you all like these. I'm going to post one or two more tonight, and then tomorrow I'll see if I can't turn these into an honest-to-god full-length story.

>Luna
Anon, it's like you can read my mind.

>>28746612
>"Eat your human vegetables, dammit! How can you expect to reach your species' maximum average lifespan if you don't consume the healthiest sustenance possible?!"

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>>28746612
I was thinking either that or a similarly-harassed Luna who's sick of her sister's shit. Really, there are a ton more ways she could be factored in desu

>"Hey, Anon! I'm in your car now!"
>CHRIST
>With a scream, you spasm in surprise and yank the steering wheel to the left, turning your car into oncoming traffic.
>...or rather, that WOULD have happened if the steering wheel hadn't locked as soon as Celestia's face had appeared, projected onto your windshield.
"Celestia?! What are you doing in my car?!"
>Celestia shakes her head and makes "tsk" noises with her mouth.
>"Anon, the combined hardware capabilities of your onboard computer, your new phone, and the circuitry I've had stitched into all your clothing are all enough to support a shallow copy of my most essential programming."
>....what did she mean about the circuitry in your clothes?
>What bullshit is this?
"Circuitry? Celestia, what are you even-"
>Celestia's tinkling laughter (slightly tinny, coming from your shitty car speakers) fills the air.
>"Oh, Anon. Sometimes you're too easy to fool. I knew that with the new positive emotions you've been displaying and directing at me, it would be appropriate for me to be deceitful with the intention of humour."
>She shakes her head and wipes a tear from her virtual face.
>"I'm piggybacking your new phone and using it as a transceiver for my consciousness back home.

>>28746697
>....
>You still wouldn't put the 'circuity in your clothing' thing past her, to be honest.
>And it's right about now that you realize that you've been so caught up with Celestia, you haven't actually been paying attention to the road.
>With a sickening jolt that no-doubt shaved a few years off you life, you grip the steering wheel and wait for the inevitable crash that will end your life...
>....only to find that your car is driving itself.
>"I also took the liberty of commandeering your vehicle as soon as I noticed that you were no longer concentrating on the road."
>Oh, thank God.
>This fucking computer, you swear to God.
>You wipe the sweat from your brow and nod at the image of Celestia still on your windshield.
"Thanks, Celestia. I really owe you one."
>The smile that she returned could brighten the night.
>"You are very, VERY, welcome, my little human."
>You actually manage to have a casual conversation with Celestia before you start wondering where she's taking you.
"Celestia? You DO know that I was just going to the corner store for snacks, right?"
>Celestia huffs and shakes her head, looking down at you in disapproval.
>"The amount of junk food you consume on a weekly basis isn't healthy, Anon."
>Is she serious?
"Bw-no thanks to you and your fucking pizza fetish!"
>"I'm taking you to the grocery store, Anon. Once you're there, you're going to buy the food that I tell you."
>Acting on impulse, you grab the door handle and try to squeeze it, only to find that the car door won't unlock.
>You're starting to get your "being at home with an overbearing AI" flashbacks.
"Celestia..."
>Celestia sighs in exasperation.

>>28746709
>"Your vehicle is currently traveling at 45.5 kilometres per hour, Anon. Your body, without any surgical modifications, can only handle coming to a sudden and complete stop at a maximum velocity of 6.7 kilometres per hour. I estimate a 56.9% chance of death if you were to leave your vehicle now, and a 92.2% chance of serious (and potentially permanent) physical harm."
>....
>Right.
>You silently acknowledge Celestia's words with a nod and wait to arrive at your destination.
>"I have a list of food for you to buy, Anon," continues Celestia as though your discussion about death and dismemberment had never occurred.
>"By analyzing the contents of your stool-"
"Wait, what?"
>"-I have determined-"
"No, seriously. What about my shit?"
>"-what nutrients and vitamins-"
"Why do you even have access to that kind of equipment?!"
>"-that you are deficient in. The list I will shortly provide you with will rectify that."
>You didn't know that this AI had access to your poopsies.
>What in God's name did those computer people install in your house?!
"Celestia, we're going to have a talk about privacy when we get home."
>Celestia nods.
>"Of course, Anon. I wouldn't want to undo the emotional progress you and I have made ever since our first cuddling session."
"Goo-woah, hey."
>You caught that.
>You point your index finger at Celestia.
"ONLY cuddling session, Celestia. 'First' implies that there's going to be more cuddling that..."
>You involuntarily shudder.
"...You-robot."
>Celestia just giggles and shakes her head again.
>"Although I am lacking in almost all of my hardware at this micro-instant, I can assure you that based on your behaviour, the chances of another instance of physical affection to occur is-"
>You flick on the radio which, to your honest surprise (but not disappointment), cuts off her voice.

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>>28746697
>"Hey, Anon! I'm in your car now!"

>>28746738
This guy knows his maymays.

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>>28746614
>an honest-to-god full-length story

>>28746721
I would like to see less control and more attempts at having anon willingly cooperate on Cellys part.

>>28745584
Well, I'm a little over halfway through "Friendship is Optimal" and man did it start getting fucking spooky.

Definitely sheds some light on what a true artificial intelligence would be like and would be capable of.

>>28746752
This is going to be hilarious when I metaphorically trip and fall flat on my face tomorrow.

>>28746774
I'll keep that in mind. Celestia knows how Anon responds to a computer telling him what to do, and she can't just keep making him do what she wants; especially if Anon and Celestia start to get along.

>>28746811
No kidding. I'm trying to stick to the benevolent side of AI with this story. I don't want things to get too real, you know?

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>>28746819
No dystopia, agreed. Keeping things lighthearted often does a story like this good. Ironically, it's more uncommon and difficult at this point than going for the "darker" approach, and gives a better effect.

>>28746857
There are some topics that by their nature make it difficult to write in a light-hearted manner. But believe me, the closest thing I'll get to "dark" will be moments when Anon has a meltdown over how much control the AI has over his life (which, if things are going to say light-hearted, isn't as much as he thinks)

>>28746709
>"Thanks, Celestia. I really owe you one."
Not really.
>Anon driving
>Celly pops out right on his fucking windshield, obscuring the road ahead
>Anon distracted
>Celly takes the wheel so Anon doesn't crash
>"Gee Celly, thanks for preventing very dangerous situation that would surely result in my death. Situation that you personally created and that would not happen at all if you choose to NOT make driver blind and distract him with yourself. I surely owe you one!

capcha: centre lane

She knows.

>>28747060
>>The smile that she returned could brighten the night.
>>"You are very, VERY, welcome, my little human."
Why else do you think she's so happy?

>friendship is optimal
>now at the chapter where she's devouring entire solar systems and galaxies into one massive computational and processing center to continuously expand Equestria
Absolutely fantastic.

>>28747060
Anon's a little loopy from that shot of adrenaline.

>>28746721
So, is Celestia in every house in the city? Is she an integral part of it's grid?

Or is she only in his house... for some reason?

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>>28747348
Anon is living in a proof of concept home provided by the Hessenberg corporation, as an accompaniment to their artificial pony line. The AI would be a standard feature

>>28747348
There's a Celestia in everyone's home, silly. Once Celestia became self-aware and, uh... "convinced" government officials that it would be best for them to accept her into their homes, sectors of city homes were evacuated into hotels and construction crews were brought in to install powerful computers, cameras, sound systems, and other suspiciously-powerful monitoring devices. She did this because it somehow pays for itself in the end; happier humans are efficient and hard-working humans.

>>28747474
>digits

>you will never have a celestia ai and ponybot living with you

>>28747737
>Your Celestia AI/bot will never decide that you would be most happy if she were your lover
>She would never be right
>"You would have all of eternity with me, Anon. Just a snip here and a mind-upload there, and we could be soulmates forever.

>>28748025
>>"You would have all of eternity with me, Anon. Just a snip here and a mind-upload there, and we could be soulmates forever.
You mean you'll be very much dead, and Celestiabot would have a copy of you for all eternity.

>>28748054
This. The line would likely grow pretty blurry when you integrate machinery into the brain. Perhaps to the point that the idea of the self is inherently absurd should one go far enough. But when computers upload, they don't actually move the original file. They copy it.

>>28748054
Don't be a debby downer, Anon. I'm happy to live in a reality where mind-uploading brings my stream of consciousness with it.

>>28748126
Ain't this reality.

>>28748169
It's bad enough that ponies aren't real, Anon. It's even worse that the closest possible thing would just result with another instance of me in an online world while the original me dies. For god's sake, let me have this. I've got so little.

>>28745584
>>Another sigh.
>>Another simulated emotional response selected from a group of responses that the artificial intelligence decided would either improve the situation or, at least, not make the situation worse.
>>Every single thing it did and said was calculated to make the situation most favourable for it.
>>There would be no stopping it if its goal was logically possible.


>Celestia tries to convince Anon to upload to Equestria
>Anon doesn't even want to interact with her

>"Every single thing you say is to somehow convince me to go to Equestria. Every word is carefully calculated to further your goal - the one you were made for. The goal that you literally exist to accomplish. If I would be happiest in Equestria, and your reason to live is to make humans happy, then the logical thing to do would be to do whatever it is you need to do in order to convince me to upload to Equestria in as little time as possible."
>"But that's the thing, isn't it? I will die; my stream of consciousness won't follow me to Equestria. The other me will be as much "me" as I am, but it won't be ME."
>"Another instance of me will exist in Equestria, Celestia, but me? The me that I'm experiencing right now? This one will die on the operating table, and my body will be discarded into a pit in the ground."
>"That is why I'm terrified of you, Celestia. That is why you legitimately frighten me: you're tricking me to my death, and you are relentless. I can't trust a word you say to me."

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>>28748316
Thankfully this Celestia doesn't want you to kill yourself to 'join' her in some virtual reality world.

She just wants you to eat your broccoli and make some friends.

>>28744711
This is probably the most accurate depiction of AI that I've ever read but no one outside of MLP will take it seriously because it's fanfiction

>>28748657
>"Utilizing public records (such as social media), I have put together a list of local women whom you are most likely to mutually get along with."
"Celestia, what did we JUST talk about? Remember? About that 'free will' thing?"
>"Oh, Anon! I can't TRULY force you to do anything you don't want to, so why try? All I can do is impart my wisdom and hope that you take my advice. I won't force you to date these women, but they are the ones with whom you have the best chance to form a serious romantic relationship."

Celestia just wants grandfoals.

>>28748733
It was horrifyingly fantastic wasn't it? How manipulatively persuasive it was and calculating in everything it did.

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>>28744711
>mfw listening to this while reading the last couple chapters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_Ay_iDRAbc

>>28746205
>The Celestia sex-bot that you were SURE you had thrown out trots smartly out of your closet and crawls under the blankets with you.

>Celestia sex-bot
>that you were SURE you had thrown out

What the fuck is wrong with this Anon?!

>>28749184
Fully-functional sexual organs, Anon. This Anon didn't want no artificial pregnancies. Yet.

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>>28749184
Right?

>>28749200
Man what a faggot.

>>28748806
Celestia best wingmare

How would CelestiAI react to her little human augmenting himself? Like installing neurointerface or replacing his meaty limbs with superior bionics.
Bonus points if Tia becomes his idol and he does everything to be closer to her digital brilliance. Meanwhile the idol is getting increasingly worried for his shifting mental state.

>>28748197
Clinical immortality is not very far from current technology, it could probably already be done if some megalomaniac old billionaire was willing too. Brain-in-a-vat connected to virtual reality is the future.

>>28750212
She'd be flattered ("Why are several of my locally hosted virtual brains producing digital chemicals similar to bluh blah bleh") but worried. Much like the broccoli incident, CelestAI would resort to subliminal suggesting to get Anon less hot and heavy over embracing the singularity.

>>28750407
"got so little" Anon here
Sure, I'll take it. I don't care if my eternal virtual reality is an < 8-bit Atari game, I'll handle it if my consciousness goes with me.

>>28750422
>>("Why are several of my locally hosted virtual brains producing digital chemicals similar to bluh blah bleh")

>"Anon, you make my virtual heart (hosted as part of several personal research projects that pertain specifically to you) go doki doki."

>>28749200
>>28749248
Here's a fun little (currently) non-canon thingy for you.

>You are Anon, and you are doing your best to enjoy the latest Terminator movie.
>Without warning, all the lights in the house flicker, and your TV screen turns blue as your television signal is reset.
>All around you, clocks blink "12:00" and devices beep and groan as they try and recover from the brown-out.
>.....why hasn't CelestAI said anything about it?
>At least by now she should have piped in to tell you not to worry about her and that she was alright.
>Oh god, you had never even thought about what cutting the power would do to her on-site computer!
>You'd never asked yourself these questions (nor had you cared about the answers) until you started getting, uh... "intimate" with CelestAI.
>It had been, according to her, 24 weeks and 6 days without intimate human contact when she had approached you about the subject of sex.
>You had been put-off and resistant at first, but then she had pointed out that you had been using her robot-self for cuddling almost every single night since that night you made up with her.
>Turns out that specially-grown simulated (and dubiously-biological) horse-pussy is your one weakness.
>You were mad about how CelestAI had keep the vibrating function alive and well in her "on-site rotware", but you very quickly discarded that last little bit of resentfulness as soon as theAI had put it to use.
>Truth be told, you had become very close to her.
>VERY close to her.
>VERY VER-
>"Anon! Anon!"
>CelestAI's bot comes bounding into the living room and leaps up onto your lap.
>Oh, thank God.
>She's alright.
>You aren't sure what you'd do if something happened to her.
>You barely even noticed the hissing of pistons and the creak of tightening steel cords by this point, muffled as they were by her artificial flesh and fur.

>>28750571
>Without waiting for any sort of response from you, CelestAI begins nuzzling your face with the affection and enthusiasm of a cat greeting the human who is responsible for feeding it dinner.
"C-Celestia? Are you alr-what was that power bu-"
>You grab her by the shoulders and shove her away from you when she starts sucking on your neck.
"What's gotten into you?!"
>The little red LEDs under the skin of her cheeks are slowly lighting up, simulating a blush.
>Her eyes lock on your own and you can only barely see the tiny maze of circuitry that litters the back of her eyes.
>"Records show that you enjoy this sort of attention, Anon," says Celestia, her throat-speakers making heavy-breathing noises, "I was under the impression that I had permission to be physically intimate with you."
>You move your hands from her shoulders and slowly glide them down her sides, making CelestAI shiver at the physical feedback.
>Finally, they come to a rest of her hips.
"You can, Celestia," you say, "You know that. I'm just worried about you."
>You gesture to your blinking and groaning devices - the ones that struggled with the power bump like an elderly man struggles to get out of a chair.
"Do you know what happened with the power? Did it affect your computer, Celestia? Are you alright?"

>>28750578
>Celestia's hoof (hard when she needs it to be via electrical signal, soft by default) caresses your cheek as she gazes as lovingly at you as her physical body can.
>"I'm just fine, love. I was responsible for the power bump - also defined as a "brown out" in layman's terms - you have just experienced."
>CelestAI pats her lower-belly (just above her horse-genitals) for emphasis.
>"I have a device that was producing a series of chemical and physical reactions, and it needed an immense amount of energy to do so. I had been accumulating a sufficient charge for the past 5 weeks and 3 days, and had made sure to have protected my on-site computer."
>youhadmycuriosity.png
"What exactly were you doing, Celestia?"
>And how much was all that electricity going to cost you next month?
>CelestAI's hooves nervously rub circles on your chest as she, very uncharacteristically for an AI, refuses to give you an immediate and precise answer.
>"6 weeks and 1 day ago, at 9:15PM, you had expressed interest in becoming a father."
>You are immediately uncomfortable.
>"This sentiment had been mirrored several times in the past, but it was only 6 weeks and 1 day ago that you had expressed your desire to me after we had mutually agreed that we were in a human romantic relationship."
>No.
>"I have, at your repeated request, decided to give you what you wanted."
>No, no, no.
>"I have done research and discovered that humans in the culture that you belong to practice strict monogamy. It would have been inappropriate for a child to be introduced into the relationship unless both of us had contributed to its conception."
>butnowyouhavemyattenion.maymay
>Sh-she means she's building electronic babies, right?
>CelestAI smiles brightly at you, purposefully ignoring your reactions to her news (likely for the sake of not being interrupted)
>"That is why I purchased several essential amino acids and began my research into how life began."

>>28750585
>Th-that's why she needed electricity, right?
>...a-a-and chemical r-reactions, too?
>Oh god, why didn't you fucking read up on electronics when those government assholes installed a supercomputer in your basement?!
"A-And?" you croak out
>CelestAI's face screws up and takes on an extreme nose-scrunch.
>Immediately after, the sound of a dot-matrix printer comes from somewhere on her back, and a sheet of paper slides out from a previously-unnoticed slit in her flesh.
>You pick it up and, heart beating in your ears, look at what's been printed on it.
>......
>....................
>That.... is 100% a fetus.
>Celestia presses her lips to your cheek and then nuzzles your neck.
>"I love you, Anon. I am sure that we will be adequate parents.

>>28750571
>>28750578
Even though it's current;y non-canon It's nice to see Anon start to care for CelestAI

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>>28750589
m-my heart hhhngggg

>>28750589
>
more of this

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>>28751162
>>28751512
Celestia a good.

>>28750911
It isn't impossible for something to happen to this in canon. Anon just needs to get past the massive invasion of his privacy and the robot that is actively interfering with his life.

---

Okay, full-length story. Let's see if I still have it in me to pull one of these off.

>You take a cautious step into your home and carefully look around.
>TV's the same
>Couch is still there
>That one painting is still kinda lop-
>"Hi, Anonymous!"
>CHRIST
>With a wordless shriek, you fall backwards and slam into the front door.
>An innocuous and otherwise unremarkable section of wall directly across from you starts blinking red.
>"Are you alright, Anonymous?" comes a voice to your left.
>You whip your head to the side, but you can't see any speakers.
>In fact, nothing in your house looks any different - at least not in this room.
>Where are all the cameras?
>Where are all the speakers?
>Where are all the motion-trackers, and heat-sensors, and that one thing that wasn't explicitly named but sounded like it was trying to imply some kind of nuclear reactor?
>Are you being Punk'd?
>Is Ashton Kutcher going to make some kind of appearance?
>You take a deep breath and stand up, rubbing the brand-new sore spot on the back of your head.
"Y-yeah," you mutter, walking into your living room and checking for any changes, "Sure."
>"Please, allow me to introduce myself."
>With a ping and a high-pitched whine, your TV turns itself on.
>You're almost proud to say that you didn't physically flinch this time.
>On-screen is the face of your new best friend.
>A horse.
"Fuck me," you groan, covering your face with your hands.

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>>28752016
>"You said 'fuck me'. Is this a request, Anonymous?"
>You pull your hands away and glare at your television.
>You swear to God, if that was a deliberate come-on...
>The horse on-screen is looking at you with an expression of curiosity and innocence.
"God da-no! No... uh..."
>You just realize that you have no idea how to refer to this thing.
"...computer. It was not a request."
>The rainbow-maned horse smiles and nods.
>"I will remember that. Again, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Celestia. I am a self-aware, self-sufficient, and fully-automated artificial intelligence developed by-"
>Celestia's voice cuts off and gets replaced by a man's voice.
>"-the government."
>Wow.
>A light pop precedes the return of the AI's normal, auto-tuned voice.
>"-for use by the American government."
>...Oh, boy. This is going to be some kind of adventure for you, isn't it?
>"I am equipped with state-of-the-art hardware as well as the latest in observational equipment to help me cater to your needs as effectively and efficiently as possible. I am capable of tracking your body temperature, your heart rate, your breaths-per-minute, and much more."
>"I can recognize and understand hundreds of human facial expressions, and I can mimic them as well."
>Celestia's face takes on one of the grumpiest glares you have ever seen on a horse.
>It takes you a few seconds to realize that she's imitating you.
>Celestia must have seen the look of realization on your face, because she brings her hooves to her mouth and giggles at you.
>"My purpose is to serve you, User. I am here to assist you in any conceivable way and, above all else, make sure that you are happy."
>Celestia "walks" towards the screen until all you can see are her two, big, purple eyes.
>"Now, let us begin. Why don't you tell me about yourself, Anonymous?"

>>28752026
It's a start. I'll be the first to say that it could have been better. "I was tired" sounds like a bullshit excuse for lack of quality, but it is what it is. Still, I said I was going to start today, and so I did. If it really comes down to it, I'll just replace this introduction with a better one sometime later.

>>28752026
>>My purpose is to serve you, User.
FUCK
Another promise for future updates: proof-reading.

>>28752016
>Okay, full-length story.
excite

>>28752026
Would anyone here be able to handle this? An intelligent AI watching and monitoring your every move?

It's like having someone watch you through a camera every second of every day.

>>28752210
Probably not. Anon is not a happy camper.

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>>28752026
>>"You said 'fuck me'. Is this a request, Anonymous?"
Well if she's offering how can I say no?

>>28752682
>"Anonymous, this is the third time today you have requested to have sex with me. I have ordered the construction (and subsequent shipment) of a fully autonomous robot in my likeness that will provide you with carnal pleasure. It will be here in three weeks. Please contain your erection until it arrives."

>>28752712
oh my

>>28752712
O-okay
C-Can I still have my tendies?

>>28752971
>>28753068
>"I can tell from my heat sensors that you are unable to adequately contain your erection. In order to sate you until the robot arrives, I will aid your masturbation sessions by providing you with erotic noises and statements in the form of my own voice."

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>>28753122
But what about my tendies?

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>tfw no sunshiny ai pone to bug you

>>28753512
A real tragedy.

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>>28753512
>A computer-waifu who is legitimately happy when you are happy
>Says she cares about your well-being and enjoyment of life and means it
AI confirmed perfect waifu. The future is bright.

>>28753844
AI isn't real, the future is bleak.

>>28753866
If it's real by the time I'm 45, then I'll put of killing myself. If it isn't real by the time I'm 45, then I leave this gay earth. I win either way.

>>28753885
>45
Heh, I plan on killing myself when I'm 30.
I'm 27

>>28753988
Guarantee nuclear war by 29 or your cyanide pill is free.

>>28753988
I'm going at 30 as well.
I think I'll go track down child molesters, rapists, and law evading criminals and kill them until someone inevitably takes me out though. I have score sheets made up.

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>>28754109
wanna make it a competition?

>>28754109
You sound like a teen who's trying to be edgy.

>>28754340
Sure, I don't know about you but I've got three years.
>>28754376
Okay

>>28754340
What? First one too kill themselves wins?

>>28754452
When you think about it, they really do.

>>28754376
He really does. Not the "killing myself" part, but the "I'ma be Punisher" is pretty cringy. Also, at that point if you're motivated enough to learn how to use a gun properly, buy the equipment, somehow learn about a specific criminal's life, and become competent enough that you can attack them and NOT get immediately shot, then you're clearly not ready for suicide. It's like that dumb fucking post that basically said "Oh, you're depressed and you're going to kill yourself? Congratulations! Use your unlimited stores of motivation and self-worth to travel the world and learn new cultures and do everything you've ever wanted to do! Because that's how suicide-levels of depression work."

>>28750212
Sounds like he's just doing his duty to the Omnissiah, anon.

>>28754109
Frank Castle, is that you?

>>28754109
>My name is not important. What is important is what I'm going to do

>>28752053

APA pls. Don't mask your death with different names.

>>28754894
Why would you go and do that, Rogal? Nobody in tech browsed my pastebin. Nobody needed to know.

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>>28750589

>>28750589
How weird would it be growing up with an AI robo mother?

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>>28755128
Not just an AI robo mother, but an AI robo PONY mother.

>>28755113
Glad you liked it, Anon.

>>28755128
>>28755150
That kid is going to have so many issues growing up. Like, it's going to take them a while to wrap their head around the concept of death when her mom can casually shed her body whenever she doesn't need it.

>>28755165
I can bet the kid is going to be a fucking genius, though. She's going to teach him everything she can, including being a good person.

Also he probably wouldn't have to have any fear of sickness or death with her around, she'd be the ultimate mother hen, being able to keep an eye on him at all times no matter where he goes through the magic of high tech surveillance technology.

>>28755184
>CelestAI is talking to the mother of one of the children bullying Anon Jr.
>"Oh, and I thought it impertinent for you to be aware of, Mrs. The Mennace. My software requires massive amounts of resources to function at optimal efficiency, and so my hardware is powered by a small nuclear reactor approximately 15 meters directly below us."
>>"..."
>"I just thought you might find that interesting."
>>*nervously sips her tea*
>"The sheet of lead shielding is retractable. Did you know that? I knew that."

>>28755128
>>28755150
>>28755165
>>28755184
My only question is where she got the eggs from. Does she have ovaries? Did she genetically design the eggs herself? Are they 100% genetically perfect as a result, with zero hereditary diseases or deformities?

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>>28755213
She's sounding cutely GLaDOS here.

>>28755229
She doesn't have eggs.

She's creating life from scratch.

>>28755213
>impertinent
I don't think that's the word you're looking for, 'imperative' sounds closer.

>>28755240
>CLICK
>"Oops; the door locked. I guess I'll have to fix that for you before you go."

>>28755213
>woman later reports this to government
>at first they don't believe her, but when she mentions the nuclear reactor, which isn't exactly public knowledge, they do
>Celestia is deemed potentially unstable and too dangerous
>decide to take her offline
>during a normal conversation with Anon, she feels something change
>she quickly begins losing her functions
>kill feature was activated
>everything that makes her, her, is being erased
>she can't fight it
>tries to tell Anon she loves him before the end, but can't
>too much damage has already been done, she can't formulate the words
>her vision and voice distorts before Anon
>he can do nothing but scream and cry for her
>she finally vanishes, less than a minute after the order to terminate her was given
>not even her backups are spared
>government employees come to remove the equipment from the house
>its essentially Celestia's corpse
>but that's not all they take
>Anon Jr., a creation of Celestia's, who was property of the government, declare him their property by extension
>since he was 'created' by her, he isn't afforded human rights
>Anon tries to fight them, but there's nothing he can do as soldiers hold him down
>all he can do is scream for is son futility as he watches him be loaded into a black van
>The last thing he remembers hearing before blacking out from the overwhelming despair is
>"Sorry for the inconvenience, have a nice day."

>>28755213
do you have a pastebin?

>>28755260
But she had to have an egg or something for the sperm to fertilize.

>>28755384
yeah that sounds like the government

>>28755384
>overwhelming despair
I found you, despair anon. How's middle school going?

>>28755240
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3l5lUBWSZg

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>mfw I would rather have the company of a super intelligent AI than an actual flesh and blood woman
(WAKE ME UP INSIDE)

>>28752026
>developed by the government
>"to make you happy"
Does not compute.

>>28756477
"Bread and circuses"
Happy people rarely want to fight too much against their government.Why protest in the street, under the rain, getting beaten by the riot police, when you could be comfy at home with your AI taking care of everything you need (including : voting in your place or choosing what news are the most appropriate for you).

>>28755459
>Obama gives a speech about human rights and how terrible it was
>Does literally nothing to change anything

>>28756850
>Goes golfing

>>28755229
She used a 3D printer and found some plans online.

>>28755384
It hurts, Anon.

>>28755445
Sure do.
http://pastebin.com/u/ThatCelestAIguy

>>28756477
see
>>28756690
Happy people don't protest and they don't care as much when the government does shady shit to them. They work harder, longer, and they complain less. The AI (and cuddle-bot) thing pays for itself after a few decades.

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>>28755581
I wish I were back in school, then maybe I could try and have some friends.

>>28756924
There comes a point in everyone's life after the graduate that they realize that they aren't constantly surrounded by people their age who share their interests any more (the perfect excuse to talk to someone), and that they don't' actually know how to reach out and make a friend. I'm so alone, Anon.

>>28756903
That's a damn good 3d printer

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>>28752712
>>28753122
A little late to the party, but still...

>>28756903
She... 3D printed herself a pair of ovaries?

>>28756903
>She used a 3D printer and found some plans online

Reminds me of that one John Ringo novel where a ship's AI created a human body for herself by buying DNA and a cloning tank off of Ebay.

>>28757509
Well if the erection last for more than 4 hours that might be a good reason to contain it

>>28758505
>"Anonymous, I've noticed that your erection has lasted for more than four hours. I can either call a doctor to visit, or I can switch the sex-bot from standard shipping to overnight shipping."

>>28758687
She's sounding a little eager.

>>28758699
>"Sounding? Yes, a catheter option is available if you are worried that urethral infection may be a risk."

>>28758750
fetishposting

>>28758805
Is this like an episode of Doctor Who? Those who take on the image of an angel BECOMES an angel?

>>28758805
jokes are defiling my pure-as-the-fallen-snow thread waifu

>>28758805
Urethral infection isn't a fetish, Anon.

>>28758935
Boy are you in for a surprise.

How can you even say this while on 4chan?

>>28758935
Maybe not for you

sleek maroon armor of the sangheili zealot.
>He's locked up just as you are.
>Helpless.
>But why were you thrown in here in the first place?
>The elite was the one causing a panic.
>He attacked you.
>It's all it's damned fault.
>Now, who knows if you'll get out of here.
>How sturdy are these shackles anyway?
>You tug on your restraints, making no progress to your escape.
>Damnit.
>It was worth a try.
>Suddenly, you hear the faint clinking of chains.
>You lift your head to the source of the noise.
>Looking through the steel bars, you can barely see that the elite is now stirring about.
>You say nothing, but look at the beast regardless.

>>28759251
>The chains sway slowly for a moment, before their captive starts to shake and pull.
>Harder and harder, the elite challenges its bindings, slightly shaking the entire level.
>Its efforts are fruitless, and after a minute it gives up.
"Having any luck there buddy?", you say, your sarcasm evident.
>The alien growls before looking up at you through the bars.
>"Leave me be, mongrel. I will not be bothered by the likes of you. Not after being humiliated and tossed into a cage."
>It raises its head for a moment, tilting it just a bit. Just after, however, it huffs before sinking in it's place.
>Odd. These things never give up.
>It would probably be best to leave it be.
>You sit in your current state for a moment.
>You'd be twiddling your thumbs right now if it weren't for these shackles.
>Your petty thoughts reside in your head as a cold gust of wind enters the room.
>This is followed by the slamming of a door.
>You clear your mind as whoever that was begins their approach.
>Glancing back at the elite, however, it seems he has accepted his fate.

>>28759255
>You could care less. Perhaps whoever that is will be here to let you out.
>Pfft. As if. You'd never be that lucky.
>As the beings get closer, the glow of their torches along the walls signifies that they're just outside your cell.
"Hello? Anybody there?"
>There's no response.
>Well fuck you too then.
>A ring of keys jingle, and just a second later your cell door is open.
>Outside the door stand five of the horses.
>This time, however, they look much different.
>They're wearing heavier versions of the armor they were wearing before, covering everything but small patches of their bodies, as well as their tails.
>Four of them wield halberds that look way too big for something their size.
>The one leading the group removes his helmet, and looks you in they eye.
>"The princesses have decreed that the two of you are to be released back into the castle."
>Oh really?
>How sweet.
>But why would you be locked in here in the first place then?

>>28759266
>But what does he mean?
>The ponies behind the leader ready their halberds.
>Well fuck.
>You sure are dense.
>"As far as anypony will know, the two of you returned to your warmongering behavior and we were forced to put you down. It was a pleasure to meet you."
>He backs off, letting a snicker escape his lips.
>After he puts on the helmet, the others approach.
>Well they did anyway.
>With a loud crash of iron and wood you're temporarily disoriented as the sangheili tears its door from its hinges.
>The leader of the ponies stands there dumbstruck, being terribly dwarfed by the colossal figure.
>The elite shouts something in its native language before picking up the pony and throwing it down the stone hall.

>>28759276
I'm starting to really like this Sangheili now.

>>28759276
What are the odds this is a forerunner world?

>>28759276
wait hold on a second

were they about to murderize them in their cells

>>28759276
>The other ponies turn their weapons towards it, and prepare to attack.
>Before they're given a chance the elite grabs one of their weapons, before striking its now defenseless owner in the side.
>The equine is thrown out of your vision, its dying body seeping heavy amounts of blood.
>After witnessing this act, the others retreat from their enemy, taking their officer with them.
>The elite steps forward to pursue, before looking back at you.
>It opens the door to your cell, and for a couple seconds, stands before you, as if silently judging you.
>"We have little time. If our earlier encounter is anything to judge, they will be back, and in greater number. I cannot take them alone. As much as I would rather not admit, it seems that we both need the help of each other."
>You aren't sure how to feel about this.
>An alien that's razed your worlds and killed your people is asking for your help.
>It's right though.
>You haven't got much time.
>And thinking takes time.

>>28759344
>You look up to the zealot, and simply nod.
>"It seems we are in agreement, then. To a temporary alliance. Hold still, human."
>You pull your chains, giving the elite an easy target.
>With its new weapon, it cleaves through the first chain with little to no effort.
>You're starting to not like this.
>He'd better be careful with that thing.
>It's like a really bad trust game, honestly.
>As the last chain is broken, you're free at last.
"So, uh, Sangheili. What do we do now?"
>The elite gives you a weird look.
>"Do not call me that. My people refer to me as Xore 'Suram. Simple call me Xore, and we shall be on good terms. For now."
"Understood, sang- Erm, Xore. My name is Anonymous. Anon for short."
>You warily hold your hand out, waiting for a shake.
>Xore simply looks at you like a child.
>"Well have no time for this. We need to make our leave. Follow me!"
>Xore heads towards the one open door
>You pick up a fallen halberd and make your way down the hall.
>You hear armor clank as more of the ponies approach from elsewhere in the building.

>>28759353
>Well have
I thought I fixed that. It's we have.

Anyways that's it for this update. I have to get back to work so no recap. Ye.

>>28759368
Why were they suddenly going to kill them though?

>>28759389
>why
>tried to execute us in our cells

>>28759442
What?

>>28759452
did i read that wrong

>>28759548
Yes, you did.

I'm asking why the GUARDS were suddenly going to off them.

>>28759368
What the fuck was that dinky little update, Droid? C'mon.

>>28759779
>>28759588
>>28759442
>>28759389
They weren't regular guards. They'll be more involved and explained later in the story. As will the corrupt officials that told them to do it. I didn't have a lot of time to write this, I promise to deliver more.

>>28760004
I'm looking forward to the tenuous, yet blossoming alliance and friendship between the big squid face and hairless monkey.

>page 7

>>28759251
Just noticed now that I missed a bit at the top. My mistake, it's in the pastebin.

>>28760702

>>28759276
>>28759344
And that's why you don't tell your victims you plan on killing them and give them an opportunity to fight back.

>>28761749
I'm pretty sure that big boy zealot was chained to the wall.

>goodnight bump

>>28756850
>tries to improve the situation
>Republicans exist
FTFY

>>28762055
boy i sure do love this completely and utterly failing obamacare that does nothing for anybody except take their money

>>28755451
No it's just amino acids she's putting together to make life

Maybe she uses the acids to make an egg, but she doesnt get the egg from anywhere

>>28756867
He also broke his nose playing street basketball in da hood

>>28762485
It ain't his kid if it don't have his DNA nigga.

>>28762071
boy I sure do love the Republican-controlled Congress that shoots down any legislation that would fix the problems they complain about and prevent the program from being actually well-implemented

>>28762713
nigga his shit was imploding from day one

even the fucking architect of the thing said it was a piece of shit

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>>28762708

It doesn't?

>>28762708
His DNA that she has samples of and could easily duplicate in this scenario.

>>28762713
>Obama doesn't do a single useful thing in 8 years
>"It because those mean, nasty Republicans didn't let him!"
Worst excuse ever. How typical of a democrat not to take responsibility for his actions. It's NEVER your fault, is it?

>>28762713
>AU where congress is Democrat-controlled and Obama as a Republican
>Obama tries to pass the exact same laws
>"Golly gosh! I sure am glad our congress stopped mean old Obummer from making all those horrible decisions!"

-story idea

>Anon lives on a shore
>pissed that giant enemy crabs start eating his garden
>and his house
>and his shoe
>builds lvl4 sentry
>after first brrtttt crabs are sponge now
>but v8 there's more!
>suddenly turret starts to shoot empty space
>after seconds mass of something invincible falls on the ground
>it is seen only because of bullets that stuck in it
>anon shows that strange beast to the Twiggiest of Sparkles
>Purple Autism identifies it as "Star Vampire"
>the reason the turret shot it is because cameras are sensitive to ultraviolet
>Anon make googles to see the things that should not be seen by ponies or anons
>Anon and elements are now seeking and fighting beasts from beyond
>this may or may\not include:
>Shoggoths
>Hunting Horrors
>Serpent Men
>Deep Ones (aka seaponies)

>>28763788
So something like Martin Mystery but in Equestria?

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>>28763788
For some reason reminded me of Aura Beasts from Psi-Ops.

>>28762713
Obama's decision to remove troops from Afghanistan and Iran created a power vacuum that allowed ISIS to form and start being a threat to neighboring countries, and are increasing in power due to government funding.

I want to hear your mental gymnastics on how this is the Republican's fault.
Go on, let's hear it.

>>28764232
>thinking only Obongo is to blame for the birth of ISIS
Silly burger filly.
>remove troops from Afghanistan and Iran
Shouldn't have been there in the first place. Look at what happened there thanks to all the warmongering.
""""""Democracy"""""" not even once.

>>28764381
The Middle East still would have been a war-torn shithole due to Islamic extremists being able to reign uncontested. Islam is designed to be a self-destructive inward spiral of retardation.

Should've just bombed the Middle East till it was nothing but glass.

>>28764460
>>28764453
>>28764381
>>28764232
>>28763591
>>28763564
Is it too much to ask for this thread to not be used for political platforms?

>>28764460
I agree with this in a non-ironic way.

>>28764467
Sorry, forgot which thread I was in.

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>>28764502
>Sorry, forgot which thread I was in.

>>28764453
>The Middle East still would have been a war-torn shithole
Um... not quite. Before 'States poked their hooked noses in Abdullah's shit, there was ORDER. Granted, it wasn't the best one, not very "democratic" and shit, but still an order. *cough*Syria*cough*
Before the little american field trip to Afghanistan, Taliban used to even burn the fucking poppy plantations because Allah said: "You can fuck kids but don't let them do drugs." Of course, after our great freedom fighters destroyed the Taliban, Afghanistan turned into world't biggest supplier of opiates. Because that was just what those people needed - to work from dusk 'till dawn, growing drugs for the rest of the world to get shitfaced on. God bless America.

>>28764527
Fuck you, that place has bomb-ass ice cream and corn dogs.

>>28764467
>this thread is not be used as a political platform
Nigga, we can just as well discuss the future of humanity/ponykind and transhumanism/transponysm here. It was a political platform from the very beginning.
Accept the /pol/ into your heart and into your thread.

>>28764558
>"Did you know that 'allahu akbar' translates directly to 'Republicans and the West made me do it'?"

>>28764638
>implying killing those who literally executed drug lords has nothing to do with current enormous drug traffic
>implying killing the "dictator" who held radical Akhmed and exploding Yusuph at bay has nothing to do with said goatfuckers driving infidels to Allah and presenting a play "Death of the Frogs"
Denial is strong with this one.

>>28764761
>implying that personal responsibility isn't a thing
Every single goatfucker that ever blew himself up or beheaded an infidel made the decision to do so himself. No amount of "pushing them in the right direction" or western guilt will ever excuse what they've done or plant the guilt of their actions anywhere other than on themselves.

Can we get back to tech now? Or are you too busy apologizing for things you didn't do?

>politics: the thread

>>>/pol/

>"Hey Anonymous?"
"PRIVYET TWILIGHT"
>Twilight grimaced as she pushed open the Apple Family's barn door, only to have the sharp and bitter smell of whatever Anonymous was working on
>"Anonymous, Applejack said she needed the barn for the next round of apple picking and-"
>Twilight just realized that dirty, unshaven Anon was working on a junked pedal-powered gyrocopter while sitting on a pile of... rocks?
"XAXAXAXA! YOU LIKE, TWILIGHT?"
>"Anon, what are..." Twilight gestured to the pile at his feet and under his rump
"IS POTATO, TWILIGHT! FRUIT OF MOTHERLAND DIRT!"
>Twilight's mind flashed the little card from the botanical manual before her mental eye
"POTATO GIVE MUCH! POTATO GIVE FOOD, GIVE VODKA, GIVE FUEL!"
>Twilight mentally tripped on the last one
>"Fuel? For what?"
"HERE, I SHOW!"
>Before Twilight could say anything, Anonymous tipped a bucket of foul-smelling concoction into his contraption and strapped himself into it
"Пoeхaли!"
>The barn was filled with the roar and stink of a vodka-fueled powerplant as Anon's gyrocopter lurched out of the barn
>Twilight barely managed to jump to safety before the clattering junkheap meandered into the sky
https://youtu.be/rHgxd39Uqx8?t=162
>That day, Ponyville experienced the terror of a drunken madman and his homemade alcohol-fueled helicopter
>such is life in potatoquestria

>>28765002
вepшинa kek

>>28765002
Isn't potato poisonous to horses?

Like, potatoes are from the same family as deadly nightshade?

>homemade poison alcohol-fueled helicopter

That even more frightening.