Writefags' Guild

>>28347910
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>28347918
Here’s some new stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

File: [fanfics adorably].gif (284KB, 488x275px) Image search: [Google]

284KB, 488x275px

Back in business, bitches.

YOU LET US DIE

Yo, Rose, I'm working on that critique right now.

Is this thread always so dead?

>>28349604
It goes through phases. We don't go out of our way to chase down writers, so the majority of thread content is dependent on people coming to us.

I have a trixie rape green I've been thinking up if you want that

>>28349644
Go for it. Someone will read it and give you thoughts

http://pastebin.com/7GVkWvnW

Second go-around.

The points I made the first time I read this still stand, of course. I saw you changed the bit on the bar in the hotel room, so that part’s fine now. Do you remember what I said last time about description, and how to better describe things than by relying on vague phrases? On line 306, you’ve got the same thing going on with “insanely crowded.”

But let’s get to Anon. Line 632 bothered me a lot, with Rainbow just accepting his story for a reason she can’t articulate. For one, it’s a cheap way to save yourself a big, difficult conversation, but, for two, it gives Anon a sort of unwarranted mystique. Rainbow, for all her bluster and conviction, gets shut down by just the tone of his voice, and when we don’t even know him. When we’re so familiar with Rainbow, and not this Anon, his ability to so easily make her believe him comes across as somewhat out of nowhere. If you don’t want to write out all the initial shock and disbelief that he came from another world (and I think you would be right to want to avoid that dialogue), there’s a couple pretty easy solutions for you.

There’s no reason that I can see why Anon should tell her the complete truth anyway, especially given how ponies tend to shun him. If he was defeated enough to at one time retreat to Griffonstone, then why is it so easy for him to reveal his life story to this random pegasus? So you can just have him give her some kind of weak lie; you could have her believe that without a problem, too, because we, as readers, would know the truth. A little bit of dramatic irony, you know? Alternatively, you can have him not mention it at all, just start at him getting kicked out of Manehattan and proceed as you did. 1/?

>>28349842
On line 647, I think you’re having Rainbow moving through her conflicting emotions way too quickly. The first half of this story is her aiming to debunk Anon, so she must feel pretty strongly about her cause. Why is it, then, that after a couple minutes of talking, she’s not only turned her opinion around, but has started feeling indignant for his plight? If she’s going to have a turnaround that quick, you need to substantiate it on more than her inexplicable trust.

So, where we are right now, Anon has turned from the target of Rainbow’s ire to a kind of reluctant friendship project. It’s an okay change, on the face of it, but it’s happening way too fast, and with not enough actual character development. I hate it when the new character’s first move in the story is to dump his or her past. It’s way too intimate way too early; it’s the kind of thing that Anon would do only after he is comfortable with Rainbow, something he would do once he’s assured of their friendship, and not as a first step toward that friendship. You need the framework of the relationship before you can put in the revelation of a painful past, because, otherwise, it all seems artificial. There’s nothing that says that Rainbow and Anon have to be friends. Yes, it’s typical of stories that feature him, but it’s not a requirement, and him unburdening this to her presupposes that framework. 2/?

>>28349861
Without being able to know what you’re planning with this story, I can’t give much advice as to how to proceed with Anon. I remember you saying that you were interested in setting him apart from Anons in other stories. If that’s your primary goal, you’re going to want to rework his conversation with Rainbow in the hotel room. A unique past or motivation for his actions is not enough to make Anon into something bigger than what he’s become for the fandom, because he has been exposed to pretty much every contrivance, outrageous circumstance, miracle, mental disorder, and meme-tastic backstory that you can dream of. Therefore, it will be his interactions with other characters that determine your success.

Go slower with him and Rainbow Dash. Don’t reveal that past too early. Hell, you don’t even have to reveal it at all. There are ways to give him the punch you want without looking at his origin. I think you should make him more nervous around her, and less relieved at her “understanding.” The amount of tension and mistrust that would have built up inside him from how long he’s been ostracized by the ponies he now seeks to entertain and whose admiration he wants to cull does not lend itself to such a sudden deflation into soothed happiness. To put it differently, someone who has returned to make a living off the same race that chased him out of Manehattan is probably not going to be so easy-going, so patient, so vestal in his surprise at one character’s empathy. Doubly so if this character has had none of his kind to help stave off loneliness in that unseen time in Griffonstone. 3/4

>>28349873
I’m not saying that he should be actively unfriendly or malicious, or any of that stuff, but making his defenses higher would be good. Make Rainbow really work to get to know him. Make her do more than get lucky with the cosplayer she decides to badger. On that note, I think you did a good job with that whole scene. I think having her chase after the steampunk Ahuizotl was a good move. Having it turn out to be Anon is a little hokey, I think, and I had to wonder, after he told her all about himself, what must have been going through his mind to make him decide to let her into his room. What about her made him give her the same chance he doubtless gave hundreds of other ponies in his time? His rejections of her advances did not seem particularly firm.

In the answers for my questions above, there’s a lot of potential for you to explore the relationship he must have with his fans. It’s got to be a thin line he’s balancing to keep himself popular for those who shunned him, and I would think it’s quite stressful for him. That kind of stress can be pretty easy to let show through in his character, if you use a deft hand, and you even have a bit more wiggle room since he’d likely be showing it in interactions with Rainbow. She’s not all that quick on the uptake, so you have more room to make obvious the tension inside him.

I’m going to cut it there. I feel like I’m starting to write this for you, and I don’t want to impose anything. I’d say you have Anon halfway there, but you need to adjust the way you introduce him and Dashie. 4/4

>exiting the large tent that boasted grand stripes and a large sign featuring the great and powerful trixie
>you catch a glimpse of the blue mare disappearing around the side of the green striped tent
>following silently you peek the corner to see trixie entering her personal wagon
>you dart cover to cover getting closer, making sure not to be spotted
>she exits her wagon and you take the opportunity to sneak inside
>the interior shows a large feather mattress that consumes the space upfron while the walls are filled with books and trinkets
>you alive behind the open door as you wait
>soon after trixie passes through the doorway and you slam it shut, locking it
>she swings around to face you and hastily snaps with a sour tone and a smirk
>"another fanboy to get my autograph?"
>anger burns in your chest as you growl at her in a low tone
"You enslaved ponyville and made us do your dirty work, I'm here for revenge"
>your eyes burn with fury as you rush her, flipping her onto her back
>"you can't be serious! That was so long ago! Get off me!"
>a blue aura light up around her horn as books and trinkets fly off the shelf hitting you from all sides
> you grab a book lying next to you and bash it into her horn
>the floating objects fall to the ground as she cries out in pain
>you quickly cover her mouth and whisper into her ear
"Do that again and I'll break your horn"
>her eyes widen tearing up
>she struggles to get free as her horn lights up once again
>you grab a trumpet out of the air and smash it into her horn left and right denting is severely as you do
>trixies cries are muffled by your hand as you relentlessly swat at her until the blue aura fades
>her eyes now streaming with mascara and tears show only hatred as they look up in anger
>you pound the now horribly misfigured instrument into her horn one last time to get the point across
>trixie cries, her eyes shut tight
"Do we understand now?"
>her burning gaze meets yours in silent anger
"Good"
(Continue?)

>>28350028
Yeah, post everything you got. Someone will look at it.

>>28350028
>you release your hand from her mouth
>her breath shakes as she stares up at you angrily
>"what now? Are you gonna kill me?"
>you think for a moment
"No I want to have fun with this, and I don't want you to ever forget"
>"why what are yo- "
>trixie is cut off as your hands grab her neck and pin her against the wall, squeezing, tightening, cutting her breath off
>her eyes tear up is her face face turns red as she struggles for air
>her eyes begin to roll back and her toung sticks out as saliva trickles out of her mouth and down her chin
>you release her and she collapses to the ground
>unzipping your pants, you allow your erect manhood to swing freely
>grabbing trixie by the horn you pull her head up, her eyes closed, panting heavily
>you hold her nose shut and her eyes lazily open
>they widen at the sight of the large erection standing inches away from her, throbbing, she can feel the heat from where she is
>you angle the tip down to her mouth
>"wait just think about this for a seco-"
>you thrust into her mouth letting your manhood slide all the way to her throat
>her murmurs muffled as she struggles for air
> you her her head forward filling her mouth with your meat
"Be a good girl and don't bite, you know what happens if you do"
>you slowly slide her head closer to your body, trixies throat buldging with your throbbing cock
>her tounge squirms as she tries to push away, her eyes clenched tight, as her mouth envelops your dick
>releasing her horn she springs back gasping for air
>coughing and breathing heavily she stares at you out of the corner of her eye
>raising her head again she weakly resists
>you thrust your cock into her mouth again, moving at a slow rhythmic speed
>trixie grunts angrily as you manhood probes the back of her throat
>you pull her mane tight and jerk her head the full length, her neck buldging as you release you load into her
>the semen spilling out from her mouth and nose, as you hold her there

>>28350235
Gonna post more just takin a quick break

>>28350235
>trixie coughed up semen while she caught her breath
>you looked down at here is pleasure
>Grabbing her, you threw her on the bed leaping on top of her as you did
>she kicked and pushed trying to get away from you
>you grabbed her mane and held her head down
>she looked at you angrily
>you smiled softly and leaned close to her ear
"I'm going to throughly break you"
>her eyes swelled with tears as you teased her cunt with your cock
>gripping one leg in each hand you thrust into her
>pushing deeper into her, she arched her back and gasped
>pushing the full length on your meat rod into her, you smiled with satisfaction
>pumping into her wet love tunnel, filling her up entirely she groaned and moaned angrily staring into your eyes with an unrelenting torrent of anger and hatred
>the wagon creaked and rocked quietly as you pumped into her for hours
>you filled her womb over and over again until is spewed from her pelvis onto the bed
>she lay there both of you panting and sweaty
>"are you satisfied?"
>chuckling you looked back at her
"Not even close"

>>28350473 (You) #
>lifting the blue cum covered pony off the ground, she trembled weakly
>she's broken not even trying to fight
>lifting one leg up to her head you held her forward facing away from you
>you lined up you dick to her ponut
this should get you riled up
>placing your hand over her mouth your dropped her onto your dick,
>penetrating the full length instantly into her ass
>she screamed and squirmed in pain as you lifted and dropped her onto it over and over again
>trixie batted at you with futile effort as you ravaged her ass
>the dark ring squeezed your dick tightly, as she cried muffled by your hand
>you pumped into her, her body squeezing and twitching with every movement
>releasing her leg you grabbed her waist and neck and held her out I front, away from your body
>you pulled out and thrust in full length again, this some her scream more of a wet squeal as she drooled
>you thrust violently into her
>the wagon shook and creaked with moans and grunts
>you dropped her torso and held her waist only as you sped up
>trixie going stiff as love juices erupted from her pussy
>with a violent thrust forward your load bloated her stomach as it filled her up
>trixie dropped to the ground, covered in cum
>you walk over and massage the rest of your cum out of your dick using her mane
>as you zip up your pants and go to leave she says weakly
>"you won't get away with this, I'll tell everyone"
>you don't even look back
Who would believe the tyrant was raped by someone she enslaved, or even care for that matter
>"well- uh..."
>you leave the wagon with the pony inside
>the sun peeks over the horizon
Morning already?

END

>>28350473
Wouldn't mind some criticism since I don't really write green, could use some pointers on how to improve

>>28350609
It's too late tonight, but I'll give you my thoughts tomorrow, when I get off work.

>>28347910
Bump

>>28350729

>>28350729
>>28350944

>>28350028
Always try to come with complete stories

>>28350729

>>28352769

So, I posted this story a while ago in another thread.

Didn't get much feedback for it (IE basically none) so I thought I'd put it in here and let yall tear it a new one.

I can dump it if you want, but I'd rather just drop the paste.

It's a Femanon/Twilight humanized lewd, if that's a deal breaker.

>>28353079
Post it

>This is it.
>Finally.
>Twilight fucking Sparkle.
>You're fucking in, Femanon.
>You played your cards right.
>You've been getting help with schoolwork from Twilight for a few weeks now.
>You actually needed it, you're pretty shit at calculus.
>But you had ulterior motives. Wonderful, glorious motives.
>You've been polite. You've been grateful. You've been oh so gently flirtatious.
>A hand on her arm as you gesture at a cosign.
>A friendly massage of her neck as she rubs her tired eyes.
>A playful, but slightly naughty double entendre here and there.
>It took dedication and patience, but she finally got the hint.
>After you had a slight mental breakdown and blurted out how many batteries you'd been going through lately.
>And then excused yourself to get a glass of water, on account of 'All the fluids I've lost from various bits of me drooling.'
>This was the last straw.
>You gave up.
>You expected a cold look and a hot ticket right out the fucking door.
>You got SOMETHING hot, anyway.
>You open the door to a softly grinning girl, who pulls you into a decidedly hard embrace.
>"You finally grew some balls, huh?" Twilight murmurs after she breaks off the kiss, her tongue running over her lips slowly.
"Bwahuh?"
>You're confused. Confused and really, really horny.
>You'll take it.
>Shaking your head lightly, you clear the blank stare off your face, replacing it with a sultry grin.
"Well, I don't know about balls, but I sure have a hard-on for you."
>Twilight giggles, stroking your face lightly, then draws you back into her room.
>You let her pull you along, still a little shellshocked from the kiss, and let out a surprised squawk when her legs hit her bed, and she pulls you down on top of her.
>"Nice recovery, Femanon. Sorry, you're just so cute when you're frustrated."
>You blink. Your eyes narrow. This bitch...

>>28353913
"You were stringing me along?"
>Twilight pouts, her hand reaching up, and she traces the curve of your left breast.
>You can't help but shiver.
>"Don't think of it like that. Think of it like, I was testing your determination..."
>Closing your eyes for a moment, you try to clear your head.
>Twilight isn't about to give you the chance, though.
>With a wicked chuckle, her arms wrap around you, pulling you against her.
>Your heartbeat kicks up a notch as your breasts press against hers, and you can feel her nipples poking you through her shirt.
>"Come on, don't be like that. You were doing so well! Time for me to reward your efforts..."
>Twilight's hand slips behind your head, her fingers running through your close cropped hair, and she pulls you downward.
>You open your eyes to see hers inches from yours, and open your mouth to retort, only for Twilight to pull your mouth into hers.
>Her tongue presses against your lips, licking gently but insistently, and you can't resist granting her entrance.
>As your mouth opens slowly, you see Twilight's eyes crinkle in happiness before her tongue plunges in.
>You meet her with your own, and they twine together.
>Hers backs off slowly, running across your teeth playfully before retreating fully.
>You blow out a heated breath, your arms pushing into the bed on either side of Twilight as she leans back.
>You can't believe you're seeing her like this.
>She smiles, her eyes half-lidded, her hair pooling behind her head, and you can't think of anything more beautiful than this girl under you.
"Jesus, you're incredible..."
>Twilight blinks, her sultry look cracking as her eyes widen slightly, a blush forming on her cheeks.
>"O-oh, yeah? You're pretty, um, pretty yourself, Femanon."
>'What the fuck is this?'
>You can't reconcile this sudden shift in demeanor.
>Your face screws up in consternation.
"Are you high right now or something?"

>>28353918
>"W-what? No! I was just doing what..." Twilight's eyes widen, and she shuts her mouth with an audible snap.
>'Oh no, that's not gonna fly.'
"What... What, Twilight? What they told you to? Did someone put you up to this?"
>You're getting a little mad, now.
>Is this just some prank? Are there cameras filming you right now?
>Your eyes dart around, trying to pick out lenses.
>"N-no! It's nothing like that, Femanon! I just, well, I didn't know how to react to your advances, so I did a little... Research..."
>Twilight's cheeks are on fire at this point, and you can't help but notice her eyes are looking a little moist.
>Fuck, you believe her.
"Research, huh? What kind of research?"
>You say this softly, leaning closer to her slowly.
>She pushes back from you unconsciously, but then shakes her head and stills.
>"Um, I asked Rarity. She was, less than helpful..."
>You chuckle, a picture forming in your head of the drama queen splayed out over a divan, hand pressed to her forehead.
"I can imagine. What else did you look into?"
>As you murmur this, you lean further down, your swaying breasts brushing lightly against hers.
>"O-oh! Oh... I, read a few books on the subject... But none of them were really helpful either. I know how everything works..."
>Twilight pouts at this, looking away from you, and you can't help but grin at her.
>Smexy Twilight. Stahp.
"I'm sure you know the technical side of it, but that's not what you needed, eh?"
>You're getting it now. It's kind of cute, actually.
>No, it's cute enough to confuse your ladyboner, the urge to hug her battling fiercely with the urge to shove things inside her.
>"No. I don't know how to be... Enticing. So, I watched some movies Pinkie recommended..."
>'I love you Pinkie.'
"Twilight, let's do some logic exercises here..."
>She perks up, nodding excitedly. This is something she can do!
"So, I've been hitting on you for weeks. Logically, wouldn't that draw the conclusion that you've already enticed me?"

>>28353925
>Twilight blinks.
>She then slaps her forehead hard enough for you to wince in sympathy.
"Hey, it's fine, it's fine. Lemme guess, you were following a script, and I threw you off?"
>She timidly looks out from behind the hand covering her face, and nods slowly.
"So, what was I supposed to say?"
>She looks at you, her expression unreadable.
>"Um, you were supposed to say 'Well, what can I do to get another reward?' And then..."
>You cut her off, looking down on her hungrily.
"Well, what can I do to get another reward?"
>You can play this game.
>You're going to play this game like your life depends on it.
>"Oh!" Twilight's expression goes from shocked to pleased.
>"Well..." Twilight arches her back, your breast pressing together again. "Maybe you can show me what you'd do for one?"
>You smile slowly, lowering yourself onto an elbow to free up a hand.
>You lean down, your hand gently rubbing Twilight's side as you press your lips to hers.
>"Mmmm~..." Twilight murmurs into your mouth, then her eyes widen as your hand slides up from her side, fingers playing slowly over her perky tit.
>You press your hips into hers, your hand cupping her breast as you kiss her, a brush of the lips, then backing off.
>A deeper kiss, as your hand squeezes gently.
>Your tongue presses into her willing mouth as you grope her, not too roughly, but making sure you tweak her nipple.
>You slowly back off, your fingers tracing her breast as you smile gently down at her.
>She smiles muzzily, then leans forward, her lips brushing your ear.
>"What does that get me?" She whispers into it before nipping lightly and falling back onto the bed.
>Heh. You think you might be winning.
"What does that get me, Twilight?"
>She grins at you, pulling you down on top of her.
>Reaching down, she pulls your legs apart, and you straddle her thighs, matching her grin.
>She leans forward, causing you to settle back to a kneeling position.
>"That gets you my shirt. Help me with it, Hmm?"

>>28353927
>'Don't mind if I fucking do...'
>You lean in, crushing your lips against hers, your tongue sliding into her mouth as her arms slip around your neck.
>Your hands massage her hips gently, then slip under her shirt, slowly drawing it up.
>Breaking off the kiss with a gasp, you stare into her eyes, panting slightly as she shares a needful look with you.
>You're so entranced with her eyes, those glimmering violet pools, you don't even register the quiet gasp.
>You pull her shirt up to her armpits, and she pulls her hands through your hair, across your cheeks, and lifts them over her head.
"Twilight..."
>Your quiet murmur sends a shiver down her spine as you pull the shirt all the way off and cast it gently to the side.
"Twilight..."
>Your hands fall to her hips again, making the slow climb up her sides, slipping forward to cup her generous breasts through her bra as you lean in for another kiss.
>Your tongue slips past her lips again, dancing with hers as your eyelids lower, matching hers.
>"Twilight!!!"
>Your eyes snap open wide, sharing a panicked look with Twilight before you both turn to the, now open, door to her room.
>Twilight Velvet is silhouetted in the hall light, a look of shock on the parts of her face they can see past her hand, which is covering her mouth.
>It quivers slightly as you and Twilight lock gazes with her.
>A heavy blush suffuses her face.
>"Twilight..." She whispers out again, her eyes wide.
>You don't know what to do.
>It might be a good idea to take your hands off her daughter's tits, but you're afraid any movement will break the spell.
>It must be magic holding her in thrall, and keeping her from leaping into the room and smashing you into dust.
>Unnoticed by you, a string of saliva that's stretched between yours and Twilight's lips breaks, splattering against her cleavage.
>That's all it takes.
>"Twilight! What are you-"

>>28353930
>That's all she gets out before Twilight leaps off the bed, hand reaching out to grab the door.
>"Mom, get the fuck out!"
>Twilight Velvet's eyes widen and she takes a hasty step back as the door slams in her face.
>Twilight quickly locks the door, then leans against it, panting heavily as her legs partially give out.
>Her knees knock together, and she slowly starts sliding to the floor.
>Snapping out of your own personal case of shock, you leap off the bed, grabbing her around the waist and gently lowering her the rest of the way down.
>She's shivering against you in reaction, her breath rapid and shallow.
"Twilight... Shh, it's okay. You're fine."
>Twilight leans back into you, and your arms slide under her breasts, hugging her firmly.
>"I can't believe that happened. How could I forget to lock the door?" She murmurs dazedly, and you kiss her cheek gently.
>"Oh, I'm in so much trouble... She's going to tell Dad, then he'll send me to one of those camps where they 'cure' people like... L-like us..."
>Your eyes widen, and you give her an incredulous look.
"Whoa, um, don't you think you're overreacting?"
>She just mutters on, leaning into your palm as you bring your hand up to cup her cheek.
>"They'll send me to a c-camp, and I'll have to do singalongs and wear scratchy gray uniforms and they'll beat the improper u-urges out of me with a rubber hose..."
>She turns to you fully, and her eyes are wide.
"It's so they won't leave any bruises..." She whispers.
>Umm...
>You look straight into her eyes.
>You take a deep, deep breath.
>And blow a raspberry in her face.
>Twilight jerks back from you with a yelp, eyes narrowing into a glare.
>"Femanon! This is serious!"
>You lean in, kissing her gently, and after a moment Twilight relents, her mouth surrendering to yours.
>After a few moments you break the kiss, and you can see she's calmed down a bit.
"No one's going to throw you in Nazi lesbian camp, Twi. Now, where were we?~"
>"Ugh, you're incorrigible!"

>>28353935
"For you..."
>Twilight looks at you, her eye twitching, and the corner of her mouth quirking up.
>Eventually she can't control herself any longer, and she bursts out laughing, her head resting against yours as she trembles against you, in mirth this time.
>"Dammit, I should be flipping out right now. Why am I not flipping out?"
>Still a bit miffed that your smooth line didn't have the desired effect, you nuzzle into her neck, trailing kisses down her jawline.
"Because you're too busy being amazed by my raw sexual power? you know what they call me around the locker room?"
>Twilight shivers again, for yet another reason, murmuring as you kiss her collarbone and your hands slide slowly up and down her sides.
>"Umm, n-no, what do they call you?"
>You grin, fingers trailing up and down her ribs.
"Femanon."
>Twilight stills, then says in a flat tone. "Femanon?"
>You scowl playfully, hands sliding up to fiddle idly with her bra straps.
"Not like that, Twi. More like..."
>You slip the straps slowly off her shoulders, giving her every chance to stop you, but she just reaches back, her fingers running through your short hair.
"Femanon..."
>You say it in a soft, plaintive whisper, nibbling lightly on her earlobe.
>She shivers, rocking back into you lightly as you reach forward, expertly flicking open the front clasp of her bra.
"Oh, Femanon..."
>A little louder this time, you say your name, breathy and rasping with a bit of a whine in it.
>One of your hands pulls lightly on the bra, and Twilight lets her arms fall to her sides as you slide it off her.
>Your other hand flits up and down her taught stomach, feeling her muscles twitch against it.
"Oh, Femanon."
>Twilight groans at the clear need your voice conveys, her breath hitching as one hand grasps a breast firmly, squeezing.
>Your other hand is slipping gently under the waist of her skirt, giving her all the time in the world to halt it's advance.

>>28353946
>You smile to yourself as you feel your hand slip down and cup Twilight's mound.
>Your face splits into a grin as you lean Twilight back, half laying her in your lap.
>Leaning down quickly, you suck a nipple into your mouth, your hand massaging her other breast as you slip a finger inside her gently.
>"Oh, Femanon!" She cries out, throwing her head back as you do your best to hit all the right places.
>'Yeah, just like that.' You think to yourself, grinning internally as you stir Twilight slowly.
>"Oh, o-oh, we skipped so many p-parts..." Twilight stammers out plaintively, and you can feel yourself getting drenched as you listen to the tremor in her voice.
>You pop your mouth off of Twilight's nipple, leaning back slightly and smiling softly at her.
"I like this version better."
>"Nggh, oh, yes, this is wonderful..."
>You can hear a bit of hesitation mixed into her voice, and slow your hands for a moment.
"Something wrong, Twi?"
>She rapidly shakes her head, hesitates with a groan, then nods once, slowly.
>"Can we, get on my bed? I want to be on my bed for this..."
>You hesitate, her tone of voice and turn of phrase ringing a few subtle alarm bells that you promptly smash with a mental sledgehammer.
"You got it, Twi. Up we go..."
>You lean down, covering her mouth with yours as you stir her up one more time before slipping out of her.
>She gasps raggedly into your mouth, her tongue lazily flicking yours as you explore her mouth for a moment.
>Breaking off the kiss, you lean back in to peck her on the lips before leaning her upright.
>Sitting up, you get your feet under you, straightening up and pulling Twilight up along with you.
>She turns to face you, her hands moving up to rest on your chest as she leans into you lightly.
>You smile as you feel her hands start unbuttoning the last few buttons you leave done up on your short-sleeve shirt.
>She slowly slides your shirt over your shoulders, and you let it fall to the floor.

>>28353953
>Standing there in your bra and shorts, you watch Twilight look you up and down.
>Feeling a little self conscious, you hope she likes what she sees.
>You're kind of... Small.
>Like, mistaken for a freshman small.
>Nicknames like 'Fairy' and 'Pixie' have followed you around for a while, and not because of your sexual leanings.
>Not that your hairstyle or style of dress don't shout it to the mountaintops, so to speak.
>Realizing you're kind of zoning out, your gaze snaps back up to Twilight's face, and you're momentarily stunned.
>She's staring at you in a way you can only describe as hungrily, and as she notices your attention back on her, she slowly licks her lips.
>"You're so... Lithe." She pouts teasingly, running a hand up your side before hesitantly brushing your breast.
>Noting your pleased reaction, she gently caresses your chest, and you let out a pleased 'hmmm...'
>"How do you stay so thin without losing, um, these?" Twilight asks somewhat clinically, cupping one of your modest B cups and causing you to lean into her touch.
"J-just lucky, I guess. I'd rather have a pair more like yours, though. So much more fun to play with."
>You give her a cheeky grin as you return the favor, your hand settling on her significantly larger bust.
>Twilight snorts, absently unzipping her skirt and letting it fall to the floor.
>She gives you a look, a finger hooking into your bra and tugging gently on it.
>You smile, turning around and offering the back clasp to her, which she immediately unhitches.
>'Hmmph,' you think as you shake your bra off your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, 'Gonna need to work on her bedside manner.'
>You give a slight start as you feel her press into your back, her arms sliding around you, one splayed across your stomach while the other roams your chest.
>'Well, maybe not so much.' You think, leaning back into her with an unsteady sigh.
"Mmmm, Twilight..."
>You squeak lightly as Twilight licks the nape of your neck, shuddering.

>>28353959
>"Yeah, just like that..." She murmurs, and your eyes widen, feeling a sense of deja vu.
>'Didn't I just think that?'
>"March, Fem. I'm taking you to my bed and making a woman out of you." Twilight whispers saucily, pushing you forward and swatting your ass lightly.
>'Ohhhh, yeah, this I can get used to.' You think as you start walking back over to her bed, a hand going to your butt and idly rubbing your lightly smarting cheek.
"Yes, ma'am! Please be gentle, ma'am!"
>You can practically feel Twilight rolling her eyes behind you, but you just walk over to her bed.
>You lean forward, touching down on the comfy piece of furniture and crawling forward languidly.
>You turn back to look at Twilight, giving your pert ass a little shake, knowing how good it must look from this perspective.
>"Oh, wow..." Twilight mutters, feeling herself switch gears instantly downstairs.
>She stares at your cute little butt waving in the air in front of her, and moves forward almost against her will.
>Coming up behind you, she lays her hands on your hips, her palms slowly massaging your cheeks as she brings her crotch into your rear with a bump.
>Your mind spirals down a few flights of fancy as she just stands there for a moment, her crotch pressing into you in the most delicious way.
>'God, I hope we end up like this a bit later on. Please, oh please, let the grand duchess of preparedness have thought ahead to a few bedroom helpers.'
>Seriously, you would have brought some yourself, but you were still trying to play it cool.
>Nothing lays it all out on the table like a double-sided dildo in your overnight bag.
>Those cheeks aren't the only ones getting warm, as you try to hide your furious blush from Twilight.
>You feel Twilight shift around behind you, and feel her hand slip around your hip to the front of your shorts.
>You grunt as she fumbles around, doing a pretty thorough job of groping you before finding the button on your shorts.

>>28353965
>She pops it open without a word, unzipping the fly and yanking them down your ass, over your thighs and down to your knees.
>You lift one of them to the side, expecting her to pull them all the way off, but she abandons them there.
>Trying to school your expression to one of cool seduction, you hope the fiery blush on your cheeks doesn't ruin your look.
>You needn't have worried, however.
>Her eyes are locked on your ass, her mouth pressed in a thin line and her face almost painfully red.
>That look, directed at you, almost creams your panties alone.
>It helps when Twilight's right hand clamps onto your ass, while her left one dives between your thighs.
>You groan as her fingers brush your lips through the sheer, slick piece of fabric that's the only barrier left between this girl and your most intimate places.
"Oh my god, Twilight, just, keep going. I want you to feel me!"
>Your eyes widen. Aren't you supposed to be the one doing the seducing, here? Where's all this coming from?
>You want to play it cool. You want to impress this girl with your prowess and confidence in the bedroom.
>So why can you only drool over the thought of getting her inside you?
>A finger, her tongue, a fucking cucumber! You don't care!
>"You're so perfect..." Twilight murmurs, her fingers digging into your mound, drawing a shuddering gasp out of you.
>'Perfect? What's she talking about? I'm just a, just some, just, me...' You shiver as Twilight's groin presses into you again, feeling the heat from her sex radiate into you.
"Ooooh fuck. Don't sweet talk me, Twi. I need you to, I need, I need you..."
>You can't get the words out. You're so used to being the one doing the pushing, moving things forward.
>Now you feel like you're at the mercy of this, this goddess. She's driving you crazy without even trying.
>"Fem... Nggh, you feel so amazing. T-tell me what you want."
>You stiffen, and Twilight's hand rubs your lips roughly, the tip of her fingers brushing your clit.

>>28353970
>You let out a gargling sound, feeling like you almost swallowed your tongue as your little nub gets some attention.
>Calming down is impossible.
>This girl wants you to tell her what you need.
>Fuck the embarrassment.
>Fuck playing it cool.
"Fuck me!"
>You can't even tell if it's a cry of frustration or an entreaty at this point.
>"Okay, Fem. All you had to do was ask." Twilight's cool voice cuts through the haze, and you look back sharply to see her smirking back at you.
>Oh, this bitch.
>You're not sure when, but she already stripped off her own panties, and the hand pressed into your mound retreats.
>You let out a whimper at the loss of sensation, but she keeps her hand busy by roughly yanking your panties down to join your shorts.
>You look at her hopefully, but are confused when she sticks a leg between yours.
>She smiles, and you focus on her foot sliding up your body, not expecting it when her hand shoves you in the ass, sprawling you out onto her bed.
>Looking back at her again, your eyes widen.
>She grins at you, lying on her side, her hands on your hips.
>You feel her other leg brush against your back, and feel her start pulling you toward her, the V of your legs closing rapidly with her own.
"Oh god..."
>Your whimper doesn't phase Twilight in the least, and you grunt as your mound slams into hers, knocking the breath out of you.
>"Don't worry, Fem. I'll take extra special care of you. I've kept you waiting long enough, hehe."
>Her left leg pins you to the bed, and with nothing else to do, you wrap your arms around her right one, clutching it to your chest.
"Oh, I think I might have made a mistake..."
>You try to open your legs, to move them, anything, but Twilight's body takes up all the space between your hampered legs.
>You begin to realize her leaving your shorts and panties around your knees might have been intentional.
>Twilight grunts, rocking her hips into yours aggressively before grinding herself into you.
"Oh damn!"

>>28353970
>A strange mix of pleasure and pain washes over you as Twilight mashes her slit against yours.
>You whimper in arousal, and a fair bit of confusion.
>Where did this come from?
>Is this the real Twilight?
>Is she just playing out another role from her 'research'?
>'Fuck you with a rake, Pinkie.'
>Twilight starts making small, brutal thrusts into your groin, blasting the breath out of your lungs again and again as the pain and pleasure mix into a swirling mess of sensations.
>What the fuck, is she wearing a cup, or is her pussy made of diamonds?
>How can this not be hurting her?
"Twilight, please, please stop, this kinda hurts..."
>You manage to gasp this out, and Twilight stops for a moment, blowing out a heavy breath.
>"What's that, Fem? Hard to hear you down there."
>She bends at the waist a bit, letting up on her back leg, and you turn toward her.
>Twilight's eyes slowly widen as she takes in your tear-streaked face, and she squirms out from under and over you, thudding onto her side next to you.
>"F-fem, what? What happened? I thought... Didn't you want it rough? All the girls that said that..."
>You groan lightly, curling up a bit now that you can actually move around.
"This isn't some porno, Twilight. How the fuck were you not busting your cunt on my pelvis?"
>Twilight blinks, looking at you strangely. "Well, I practiced."
>You don't want to know. Oh my god, you really don't.
"Twilight, let's try that again. Just, gimme a minute."
>Wincing, you curl up a little more, gently rubbing yourself.
>Twilight hesitantly reaches out and touches your face and you smile weakly at her, leaning into you hand.
>Her face lights up, and she leans in and kisses you gently, all the fervor and mania gone from her touch.
>'This is better.' You think to yourself, eyes half-lidded as you reach a hand up and trace Twilight's jaw, kissing her back.
>Slowly, the ache in your pelvis starts to fade, and you sigh in relief.
>Twilight echoes your sigh, hugging you gently.

>>28353975
>You reach down and slip your clothes the rest of the way off, tentatively opening your knees and closing them slowly.
>Twilight watches you closely, and you look up into her face, giving her a thumbs up and a weak grin.
>"So, w-what do you want to do, Fem? I think, maybe, I'm running under some misconceptions..?"
>You roll your eyes, then bop her on the top of her head.
"No kidding, brainiac. I'm gonna show you how it's done."
>Twilight gives you a concerned look, rubbing your cheek gently.
>"Are you sure you're okay?" You smile confidently at her.
"Hey, I might be small, but I'm tough!"
>You pump your arm, smiling at her, then draw her over to the headboard of her bed.
>She smiles shyly and let's herself be pulled, sitting next to you.
>You lean in, kissing her gently, and then lean back, a hand on the headboard to support you.
>Twilight mirrors you hesitantly, and you give her a grin.
"Okay, turn toward me. Now, throw your leg over my hip..."
>Twilight picks it up quickly, and smiles as she lays a hand over your thigh and squeezes it gently.
>You shiver, all those feelings spilling back into you as you look into the girl's lavender eyes.
"Okay, Twi, nice and easy."
>She smiles at you, but her eyes quickly become heated as you scoot closer, your womanhood's gently touching, drawing a pleased sigh out of you.
>"Oh, this is, nice..." Twilight breaths out, her hips rocking gently against yours.
"N-nice, mmmmm..."
>You revel in the friction as your lips slide over hers, feeling her heat up against you again.
>This time you can enjoy it, and your hand slides from Twilight's thigh, running over her lower belly before you slide it down to her slit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1jjjJ8os6Y [Embed]

>>28353991
>Grinning at her, you playfully brush your finger over her clit, drawing out a gasp from Twilight.
>"Oh, t-that's very nice..." Twilight murmurs, her hand reaching down and twining her fingers with you.
>She picks up her pace, and her fingers trail over the back of your hand, slipping down to gently pinch your left lip, pulling a heated groan out of you.
"Oh fuck, Twilight, that's how you do it."
>She smiles, her fingers playfully massaging your lower belly as her palm presses into the top of your slit.
>You can feel yourself start to drool, the friction moving slowly into a slick glide, and you pick up your pace to match Twilight.
>'Jesus, this is so good, but I want more...' Your thoughts spiral down into wet, hot flashes of Twilight, leaning over you, leaning INTO you.
"Oh god, oh Twilight. You feel so good..."
>"This is incredible, Fem! Oh, I'm so wet... Why am I so wet?" Twilight sounds slightly confused, her breath coming hard and fast as she grinds into you lightly, and you match her movements.
>You grin at the lewd sounds you're making as you push into each other, and the... Pressure... Is exactly what you were missing.
>Your breath hitches as you feel something building inside you, and you let it come.
>'Heh.'
>Your fingers capture Twilight's nub between them, rolling it between them as you feel the electricity building in the base of your spine.
>"Oh, Oh! Haaanhg..." Twilight throws her head back, and you can feel your slit bathed in fresh juices as Twilight tips over.
>Her hips slip out of alignment with yours as you watch her legs twitch slightly, her hand flying to her mouth as she bites a knuckle to try to muffle her cries.
>You sigh internally, feeling yourself slip gently away from the precipice, and you look over to Twilight with a softly amused smile.
>She returns it, her eyes slightly glazed, but then they narrow.
>"You, didn't come?" She whispers quietly, and you shrug nonchalantly.

>>28353998
>C'est la vie, right?
>Twilight levers herself up with the arm still holding onto the backboard, and tips over on top of you.
"Ah, what the fuck?"
>Twilight... Is not what you would call light. You're a little biased, but she's kinda crushing you.
>At least you're being smothered by those lovely tits you've been admiring for so long.
>Twilight quickly slides herself down with a muttered, "You're not getting off that easy. Or, um, you know what I mean."
>She kisses you passionately, her tongue darting into your mouth, thrilling you with her fervor.
>Backing off, she gives you a sultry smile, and starts trailing kisses down your chin, your neck, the cleft between your breasts.
>She takes a slight detour, her tongue flitting out to swirl around your right nipple, pulling a pleased whimper out of you.
>She's quickly back to your center, her trail of kisses going ever lower as...
>'Oh, is she really? Oh, please let her be doing what I think she's doing...'
"T-twilight, you don't have too..."
>You're cut off as her hand reaches up, laying a gentle finger against your lips.
>After a moment, her downward progress continues, and her finger presses more insistently into your lips.
>You get it after a moment, and open your mouth slightly, letting her finger slip into your mouth.
>You're immediately aware of a flavor you're fairly familiar with, but mixed in with your own taste is a new one.
>'So this is what Twilight tastes like...' You sigh gently, your tongue lapping at the digit, trying to find every little taste of her you can get.
>You're quickly distracted from her finger by the sensation of hot breath against your slit, and you can't help but shudder in anticipation.
>A tentative lick sends lances of pleasure deep inside you.
>It's been a long time since anyone did this for you, and you're surprised to find you've missed it more than you were willing to admit.
>Your hand slips down, stroking her hair gently, hoping to entice her to be a little more daring...

>>28354006
>You moan in anticipation, and you're not disappointed.
>Twilight's tongue languidly laps your slit from the bottom to the top, her tongue pressing into your clit firmly at the end of her journey up your folds.
>You can't help but squeak, squirming a little as Twilight's tongue burrows gently into your folds.
>You spread your legs instinctively, and you can hear Twilight coo as your distended lips part, allowing her a glimpse inside.
>"It's so... Pretty..." She mutters, and your face lights up like a beacon.
>'W-what? It's... Pretty..?' You try to wrap your mind around the concept, but you've never really thought of 'that' as anything but a means to an end.
"You, really think so?"
>Twilight hmms an affirmative as she flicks her tongue against the newly exposed flesh.
>"The gradient of coloration is very becoming, Fem. And it's so responsive to stimuli..."
>She grins up at you, and you shudder at the sight of the light sheen coating her cheeks.
>Moving back in, her lips lock around your bud, and you can't hold back a choked moan as she swirls her tongue around it, your hips bucking of their own accord.
>Your thought processes bubble and burst, images flashing past your eyes again of the girl in front of you filling you up.
>You shudder as you see her grind into you in your minds eye.
>'Oh god, fucking god in heaven, please...'
>First it's a double sided dildo, her pants of pleasure rending your insides as she thunders her hips into you just like before, only now with the help of almost a foot of steamy rubber.
>She leans over you know, her tip prodding your entrance, the telltale and oh so alluring straps around her hips driving you crazy with what they promise.
>Now the straps are gone, but you can still feel her hot length sliding deep inside you, every inch of throbbing, veiny splendor caressing your twitching walls.
>'Wait, what?'
>it's all washed away as you feel her tongue plunge into you as far as she can reach, her nose prodding your clit.

>>28354010
"Ah! Ahahahahahhhh..."
>Your voice cracks as a throaty gasp is pulled out of you, and your hips twitch uncontrollably.
>You feel that pool of electricity building up in your spine again, a simple flick of the switch all it would take to send that bolt of lightning straight to your brain.
>"Come for me, Fem. Please? I want to make you feel good. I made you wait so long..."
>Your hand twists in her hair as your other crushes one of your breasts, fingers digging in cruelly.
>No one needs to know that's just how you like it.
>You can't even talk now, nothing dribbling out of your mouth even partially intelligible.
>Your tongue lolls out as those images of Twilight parade through your mind, so confusing, so impossible, but everything you need.
>Twilight reaches around behind you, and her hand squeezes your ass firmly, drawing another dazed squeak out of you.
>She's not done yet, though, and dives back into your folds with gusto, alternating between long laps down the length of your slit, then gently tongued your clit.
>'Fuck, Twilight, I know I told you to be gentle, but could you just be a little rougher?'
>Twilight glances up into your face, trying to read your pleading look.
>You think you see a spark in her eye, and she blinks before diving back into your muff.
>You feel her suckle onto your clit again, and she gives it the lightest, most tentative of nips.
>Foom!
>Blastoff!
>Igor threw the switch!
>Your spine feels like it's gone incandescent as that long awaited blast of lightning shoots up into your brain, everything going pleasantly fuzzy as you collapse backward onto Twilight's bed.
>'Fuck, I'd be pissed it was so hard to come if it wasn't so fucking amazing when I can pull it off...'
>Your musing's interrupted by a light coughing, and then Twilight's face swims into your vision.
>She looks... Wet.
"Oh, r-right, I should have warned you I get a bit, g-gushy? Heh?"
>"A bit? I thought I was going to drown." You can hear the amusement in her voice.

>>28354017
>You lie on your back, waves of diluted pleasure washing up out of your spine, radiating from your soaking slit.
>Twilight slumps over next to you, and even the slight shift in the bed sends aftershocks careening through you.
"Hnnnnn..."
>Your hand clenches into your breast again, the pinpricks of pain from your nails digging into your skin barely noticed in the haze.
>You feel good.
>Better than good.
>Plastic and rubber just can't compare to another person.
>As usual, the way Twilight's made you feel is incomparable to how you made yourself feel while thinking about her.
>'Stupid sexy Twilight.' You think to yourself, grinning at the old joke.
>"Penny for your thoughts?" Twilight asks when she notices the grin, and her hand slips out to lay gently on your lower belly.
>Your back arches as her touch sends another aftershock shooting up your spine.
"S-stupid sexy T-twilight..."
>She blinks, her other hand covering her mouth as she bursts into giggles.
>Feeling a bit of energy coming back into your limbs, you roll over into her, pushing her onto her back and sprawling onto her.
"You have no idea how many times I've said that to myself. Watching you help me with school..."
>You lean forward, your lips brushing hers lightly.
"Saying good night and walking home, alone."
>You grimace at the intensity of the feelings rolling through you as your hips rock gently into hers as you straddle her.
"In my room, by myself, thinking about what you'd do do me..."
>Your hand slides behind her head, twining in her hair again, and her hand catches up your other one, giving it a squeeze.
"I thought you were gonna keep me waiting forever."

>>28354026
>You see her face soften with remorse, and she leans up, her mouth pushing into yours as your hand supports her.
>Leaning into the kiss, you sigh internally.
>'Totally worth it.' You think to yourself, finally letting go of that little ball of doubt in the pit of your stomach.
>It's a gentle kiss.
>No rush, no heat, no fervor.
>Your tongue lazily slides around hers, and you can't help the corners of your mouth quirking up.
>Twilight moans into your mouth, her hand bringing yours back to your ass, and her fingers slip between yours before she squeezes.
>She breaks off the kiss, and you see the hopeful smile on her lips as you lower her head back onto the bed.
>"I'm sorry. I wasn't ready. I've never, um, BEEN with another girl, so..."
>You shiver as her hand softly strokes your side, your eyes closing as you revel in the sensation.
"You had to study up. Mmmm... Nerd."
>She pouts, and you feel her hand pulling yours away from your ass, before whipping back down with a resounding 'SMACK!'.
"AHhahahah..."
>Your eyes pop open as a quake shudders through your whole body, and you collapse fully on top of her.
>You're glad she can't see your face, as you biting your lip and rolling your eyes up isn't something you want her to associate with whacking you in the ass.
>Yet...
>"That's not very nice, Fem. You wouldn't want me to have to, punish you, hmm?"
>An almost rictus grin on your face, your hand stays on your ass as her arms slip around you, hugging you into her.
"H-heh, yeah... Still a nerd, though."
>She nuzzles gently into the crook of your neck, grinning.
>"You know you like it." She murmurs with a giggle.
>Yeah, she knows you pretty well.
>Giving your ass a final squeeze, your hand runs up her side and slips behind her back.
"You okay under there?"
>Your quiet murmur earns you another squeeze, and a giggle.
>"Oh course I am. You weigh like, nothing. Still a little jealous..."

>>28354034
>She blinks, a thoughtful expression on her face, but she slowly grins at you.
>"Forgive me if I take advantage of that, Hmm?"
>You look at her quizzically, but she just keeps grinning.
>She abruptly rolls you over, reversing your positions as she straddles you.
>She looks down at you, her eyes half-lidded, and you can't help but shiver at what that look is promising.
>"Rest up, Fem. I'm going to take a shower, then we're going to have quite the workout..."
>She leans down, crushing her lips into yours.
>Her eyes lock into yours, and you stare back into those intense lavender pools.
>Twilight's hand strokes your cheek gently before she rolls off of you and off her bed.
>As usual, you can't keep your eyes off her ass as she walks over to her bathroom door.
>It seems like she's giving you a bit of a show, her hips rolling, and she shoots you a glance over her shoulder as she closes the door.
>You stare at the door for a few more seconds before you roll back onto your back with a sigh.
>Shivering again as you think of that look and the promise behind it, you stroke your neck where she bit you.
>Your fingers close over the spot, and you wince as you pinch it viciously.
>You want that little mark to stick around.
>Sliding your hand languidly down, your hand cups your breast, thumb and forefinger rolling your nipple lightly.
>This might be the best day of your life, and it's just getting started...

File: 1083676.png (304KB, 857x1091px) Image search: [Google]

304KB, 857x1091px

>>28354045
Okay, that's it.

There's a sequel done, and another in planning, but, I already dumped enough, lol.

I know there are a few grammatical mistakes. Mostly I was hoping for a general opinion, and some pointers on how I could improve it.

>>28354073
Bump
10

>>28354073
Was kinda hard to get into
Even after reading it I kept skipping forward

>>28354951
Was it the subject matter? Or is the writing just not that engaging?

>>28348234
I have to sleep too

>>28350609
In general, when writing, you want to make sure you’re giving important scenes sufficient details, and I think that’s your biggest problem here. I’m not as worried about your characters because this is not the kind of story that’s going to benefit much from a more rounded Anon or Trixie. Anon’s reason for doing what he does has no substance in the story, but that’s not what the story seems to be about, so it slides. I’d actually advise you just take his explanation for the whole ordeal out, because, as it is, it’s not adding anything.

What you need to focus on more, for this kind of green, is the way you depict action. The blowjob scene goes by way too quickly, and the vaginal sex is hardly any better. Anyone reading this to get off is going to have a hard time getting enough material to keep them engaged. You’re on the right track with the details that you do add, but you need to expand the whole thing a bit more. For this kind of story especially, sensory description is going to be best. How Trixie’s appearance degrades as the night goes on, the thickening of the air, the scents as they accrue on her fur and on the mattress, the sounds of her weakening protests, and so on. You can go for the full five and try to paint one hell of a vivid picture, or you can pick whichever senses jump out at you most and focus on those. 1/2

>>28356138
Trixie’s reactions are pretty okay, but I find it hard to believe such a strong-willed character would submit to Anon as easily as she. She struggles a little, but gives up pretty quickly, and I don’t buy that from her. She can try to kick him in the nuts, or gore him with her horn, or ignore his threat and chomp his dick anyway (what’s he gonna do? He’ll be too doubled over in pain to defend himself if she bum rushes him right after the bite). Besides, the struggle is part of the fun in one-shots like this, or so I would assume. I guess, not being someone who gets off to it, I shouldn’t try to speak for the audience here.

I think you’re using way too many euphemisms, to the point where the second and third posts start sounding silly, rather than sexy. Also, in the first post, I thought it strange that Trixie took no notice of him locking the door, and just gave the typical smug response to his presence. Someone as blunt and forthright as he is will not be easy to mistake for a regular fan, I would think. I advise you keep practicing with shorts like this, though. You've got an okay base on which to work. 2/2

>>28355082
To me it was not that engaging

>>28354073
I'd like to look at it, but I, personally, prefer the paste. It lets me reference specific lines when critiquing, and keep the thing in a new tab. Do you want critique on just the one, or the sequel too?

>>28356171
I don't mind either way. I'd be more than happy with your critique of both of them, if you're willing.
http://pastebin.com/98ihUrQW
http://pastebin.com/ZCfZs7i0
There are the pastes, and thanks for your time.

>>28356260
I'll do both, no problem. I'll have a critique for you on Saturday.

>>28354073
Here's my immediate thoughts after a skim reading. Mostly nitpicks though, so take it as you will.

There's nothing wrong grammatically and technically as far as I can tell. I liked Femanon's internal monologue, it really helped give the scene more flavor and gave her a personality of her own, rather than leaving her as just an audience surrogate. Would've really liked to see more of that.

In a few of lines of dialogue, Twilight stutters, which is pretty jarring at first to read. Maybe give some indicators beforehand, like mentioning her tearing up or gasping for breath? Later on, Femanon stutters too, which only adds to the confusion.You should avoid using stuttering as dialogue flavor.

Femanon says this isn't some cliched porno, yet it very much reads like one. Yes, she and Twilight had sex, but they didn't make love. I don't see the passion, a lot of your writing is very action->reaction. You nailed the biology, the mechanics of lesbian sex, but what does this act mean for these two? The scene where Twilight Velvet walks in on them? The fallout of this scene could've been greatly expanded on. Twilight confiding in Femanon, relying on her for support and compassion would've made a great foundation for a believable, heartfelt relationship.

>>28357611
It also doesn't help that the audience is dropped into this scene pretty abruptly. You pretty much gloss over the intro that establishes the relationship between Femanon and Twilight, something that takes place over the course of weeks and could've been a story in its own right. This part would've been the reader's foreplay, so to speak, something to get the reader in the right state of mind and prepare them for such a long sex scene. Skimping on it doesn't leave the story much of a hook to reel in the reader's interest and really hurts the story in the long run.

Using a song in writing like this is a dicey proposition. In my case, the scene in my head conflicted with the sudden vocals and high tempo music that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Is this song playing in Femanon's head? Did Twilight pop in a CD mid-fuck? The song also ends far too soon to match the pacing of the sex, which left me reading the rest of the story in awkward silence. The reader develops a natural rhythm in their head as they read and a song playing like this really fucks with it.

In the end, your writing is good. It can easily be great though. Like I said, mostly nitpicks.

>>28356848
Thanks so much : )

>>28357611
Hmmm, yeah, I can see what you mean with a lot of what you're saying. I try to give my Anon's a bit of personality, but I've been told before that too much hinders readers' ability to self-insert. At the same time, I can see how a compromise is almost worse.

The stuttering is supposed to indicate nervousness, but I can see how it might seem obvious to me, but strange to the reader without indicating the source.

I know I could have done the mom scene differently, but at that point in the story Femanon's main goal is still getting laid, not establishing a deep emotional bond. I guess I was trying to show these are both characters that think they know what they want, but when faced with the reality, their expectations go out the window. It doesn't help that I missed posting the second to last segment, so if you read what's on the thread instead of the paste, you're missing some of the interaction. I"ll post that segment in a bit. Damage done for a first reading, though =/

>>28357614
As for jumping in so quickly, well, I could have started setting up the relationship, but like you said, that would easily have been a story in and of itself.
It would definitely have made for a stronger story, but I wanted to establish these character's strange connection as the story went on, having planned to make it a trilogy. It's still my ambition to have them slowly figure out what exactly they're feeling toward each other.

The song was just a bad idea. An artifact from another story I'm writing that's music-heavy. I thought it was appropriate, and maybe set the mood, but I can totally see what you mean. The tempo doesn't match, and it's not long enough. I'm thinking it's hitting the floor during my edit.

I kind of feel like, a lot of the time, I leave it up to my readers to infer meanings and feelings that I get, but I'm being too subtle, and not taking into account that I have a different perspective on the story.

>>28357768
Stupid character limits >.<

I guess I need to work on being a bit more straightforward in describing my character's motivations.

>>28357614
I really appreciate you taking the time to give my green a once-over.

>You grin again, turning your head and nipping her earlobe gently before whispering into it.
"Well, maybe we'll work off some of that pudge with all the 'exercise' we're gonna get."
>You can feel her mouth move against your neck, and then yelp as she gives you a none-too-gentle nip.
>"Keep calling me pudgy and you're going to be back to 'exercising' in your room, alone."
>That shuts you up for a second. And then you open your mouth like a dumbass.
"Nonononono, you're perfectly fine, fine as hell! I love your tits, so comfy! And those curvy hips are perfect for grabbing on to! And don't get me started on your ass! You have no idea how often I just get hypnotized by that smokin' booty!"
>Twilight stills against you, and you panic further, words spilling out of your mouth like a torrent.
"Seriously! Remember the other day when you had to help me up? I was coming up the stairs behind you and got so caught up in watching you I walked straight into the wall!"
>Dignity is a thing of the past. Playing it cool? Hah, this is damage control.
>Twilight starts to shake lightly under you. Is she crying? Did you make her cry, you retard?!
"Remember all those times I fell out of my desk in class? Everyone thought I had a sleeping disorder or something? Nope, staring at you, lost my balance."
>Twilight's arms tighten around you, and she bursts out laughing, her shaking uncontrollable.
>"Oh my -Hahaha- God! Are you serious? Haha, heh, hoooo... Fem, you're ridiculous."
>Oh. Well, this is better, right?
>Twilight's tremors of laughter slowly peter out, and she slides her arms up your sides, pushing your shoulders back and looking at you.
>Tears of mirth are sliding down her cheeks, and she gives you a gentle smile.
>"I didn't know you had it so bad. You're lucky I'm such a kind soul, Fem."
>You grin at her, a nervous chuckle slipping out. Might as well own up to it.
"What can I say? You've got me under your spell, Twi."

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Okay, so,

>>28357789
This goes between
>>28354034
This and
>>28354045
This.

Derp.

>>28357800
happens mate

This thread is off to a good start

>>28360362
Indeed.

bamp

Help me with some brainstorming, Anons. What are some cute, one-off interactions ponified Anon can have with various ponies?

Goodnight bump

>>28362724
Anon shares Rarity's umbrella on a rainy day.

Anon gets hurt in a non-serious way, and Fluttershy takes care of him.

Anon finds out he and Twilight share tastes in reading, and the two sperg out over books together.

Anon helps Pinkie pull a prank on Rainbow Dash.

What are you thinking about writing?

>>28362724
Rainbow has a dark secret. She enjoys slow nature walks away from where anyone can see her. She holds the secret close to her heart because it is the antithesis of everything she built herself up to be. Anonpony finds out.

Rarity receives an unmarked thank you letter and gift. She thinks it is sweet at first, but not knowing who it is from she cannot be sure if the gift is of equal or more value to whatever she did for the sender. If the gift is worth more there is an obvious generosity imbalance and she has to settle it. But who could it be?

Pinkie has a cold. Pinkie quarantines herself to not infect the children. Pinkie and Anonpony play tic-tac-toe on her window.

A tree sprout grows in Fluttershy's yard. It's nice. But the sapling is growing right in front of her door. She needs to cut it down. But it's a tree. But she can't move her door. But it deserves the chance to grow. But her house was there first. But when the tree grows up songbirds will make a nest there. Oh what a nonsensical conundrum. Anonpony gives her a flower pot.

Twilight has castle envy and wants to make her castle look as nice if not nicer than Canterlot. She tries painting the castle but the crystallized surface means the paint washes off every time it rains. Instead she uses her magic to turn the crystal exterior into wood so she can paint it making her castle now looks like some sort of bastardized tree. The CMC clubhouse ends up in one of the branches. Anonpony is living there on squatters rights. Everyone is confused.

Applejack hates niggers.

>>28364303
>>28364469
Thanks for the responses. Definitely gonna draw some ideas from them. Really liked that Fluttershy scenario, I have so much trouble coming up with content for her.

I'm writing some short scenes I can use as filler for a text adventure I'm working on. It might not ever see the light of day, but just in case, do you guys want to be credited? Anon? Writer's guild? A specific trip?

>>28364774
Ideas are free yo. Just put a sidenote somewhere that says 'The Writer's Guild is awesome and ya'll niggas should go there.'

>>28364930

I'll bump this thread, because it provides a valuable service to this board.

>>28366827

I'll write some green later
Gotta feed my lizards first

>>28367528
It does

>>28368769

>>28368833
Gotta keep those lizards fed, Anon.

>>28349842
>>28349861
>>28349873
>>28349881
Whoo! Thanks very much! That's a lot to consider but good to think I'm on the right tack. Anon's quick acceptance here is supposed to be more from his lack of substantial contact making him reach out to someone maybe even against his better judgement. I'll see how I can work it so it doesn't come across so blazing fast. I know I need to rework those scenes with more descriptors it's just difficult for me to figure how much is too much. I hate when a story is bogged down by excessive imagery so I'll try harder to find that balance instead of copping out with vagaries. I'll implement more of these before asking again. As always, thank you soooo much for your time.

>>28368833
>15 hours
Are you feeding them children?

>>28373450
hungry lizards

bemp

>>28374810

Remember: the best bumps are the ones disguised as conversations that only occur on page ten.

Again.

>>28347910
>filename
You having a giggle, m8?

Goodnight.

>>28373450
My beardie has to go to the clinic
And my mink got worms
So same with her

Damn, coming from the draw thread, this shit very different. You guys go into detail on certain pieces of work and thoroughly analyze every bit of detail then point out how it could be better. In the draw thread it's just "Your eyes, ears, legs, and mane are bad. Keep drawing." I guess the fact that we get more people makes up for it, but damn. You're lucky.

Big up to my nigga little guy, though. Respect and love, 100.

lost the draft on the green I was writing
Gonna look into it tomorrow and see if I can find it

>>28381053
good luck

>>28381053
Get your shit together, man.

>>28380842
If you know any writers who'd like some feedback, you know where to send them.

The writing bug is biting me again but...
--I don't want to go back to writing smut and
--The last time I wrote not-smut the pressure to keep producing burned me out.

what do

Save

>>28384569
Find something you've never written before.

>>28373008
No problem. I'll be interested to see what you do with it, and what it becomes once it's completed.

>>28357800
I'm working on that critique right now.

>>28380842
Hey, thanks man. I didn't know folks were aware of me outside this thread.

>>28384569
Don't let other people, or yourself, pressure you to keep producing past what you think should be the end of your story. Let the thing stand on its own. A story that actually has an ending is usually way better than something that meanders endlessly.

Going to post something here later when I'm done, I'm not really all that good a writer yet, thus why I type here to get practice and critique.

Basically I have this AiE sorta, I want to write and have for years, but never felt like I was good enough to properly write and convey it, plus it's probably not even all that good.

Today I've finally decided I just don't care anymore and am going to type it up, its going to suck, be cancerous and likely autistic as well, but fuck it, I want to type this and gods dammit I'm going to do it.

Just going to do my thing, grammar Nazi me all you like, or critique I don't care so long as you give me examples on how to fix it and improve myself I'll certainly listen and give it by best to work on it, but I'm going to type this story saga thing and just get it out of my system and feel better.

Just making this known ahead of time still got the type it up first which I'm about to do, and a future thank you for anyone who puts up with my shit and helps me out.

>>28356260
The good news here is that the sex is written pretty well, but the premise to which you’re attaching it all is shaky at best. I noticed that a lot of things just so happened. Twilight just so happens to be into Femanon. She just so happens to have done a lot of studying, and her style just so happens to match up with Femanon’s desires. She just so happens to have brought a dildo that day. I’m going to start with the first story, for that is where the majority of the problems find their center.

What puzzles me most about this is that, in your response to a different critique, you say that you’re interested in developing the relationship between the two, and exploring why they get along so well. I saw no suggestions of that in what I read; in fact, had I not read your response to the other critique, I would have never known that that was on your mind at all. That leads to a problem with precedents, first and foremost. If your goal is to build up Twilight and Femanon into more than some beast with two backs, you’re going to need to give me some actual character interaction in the first two stories. You need to show them doing more than just slamming ass. Show them talking, or dealing with some kind of problem. Show them working together, or disagreeing, or anything. That way, you’ll have a jumping off point for when you get to the parts where you can go in depth about who they are, and why they work so well together. 1/?

>>28388101
The rest is gonna be a bit. The system thinks my posts are spam, and isn't letting me through.

>>28388101
All right, it's not working. Here's a link to the pastebin instead. Sorry I can't put out that intimidating wall of text.

http://pastebin.com/ds2TDCqd

>>28388357
I always enjoy reading feedback. Even when it's not for me.

>>28388357
Oh, lord. I'm scared. I asked for this, though. No one to blame but myself.

>>28388357
Yeah, so, ugh. You're not wrong in anything you said. The story isn't much beyond comfy, but honestly pretty niche, smut.

I never wrote this to be some amazing prose, although I appreciate the notes. It was originally just a vent, but as I wrote it I thought it could be decent.

As I thought, it needs a complete overhaul to be anything compelling beyond the sex, which is, good? At least that part was decent, right?

Now I'm kinda hesitant to ask for an opinion on a story I actually like. =P

>>28390689
Post it faggot. Also
>=P
Stop that shit.

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>>28391382
It's not done.

Also, it's sitting around 220000 words.

So, uh, no.

>>28391685
>220000 words.
Jesus shit, man.

>>28391685
It's alright got a massive write to do myself since decided after years of keeping a story to myself I just don't care anymore going to write it.

It's going to suck in many ways and that's alright I'll be better for it and get feedback on how to improve, all will be well, sometimes you just got to say to yourself "fuck it! Let's do it live!"

So wish you luck on your story and to add that's a cute ass Applejack you got there.

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Oh, what the hell.

http://pastebin.com/4D2cz4WZ
http://pastebin.com/CTKfug3d

Dump bump.
Be gentle with it, if anyone feels like tackling the monster. I know it has many, MANY problems.

Safety bump

It's milk and egg, bitch

Digits.

Goodnight from me.

>>28393717
my

bumb

buma

Hello.

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>>28399403
Is, uh...

Is that a good 'My' or a bad 'My'?

Or maybe a 'My oh my...'?

Oh, oh! Is it 'My god, it's full of stars...'? I like that one.

>>28401670
Hey, Fap.

>>28401670
You're alive

>>28401711
Hi, Pheno. Good to see you. You want some constructive criticism?

>>28401742
Yeah. I'm sorry if that bothers you. Just been busy and read shit from pastebins.

>>28401765
I haven't heard from you or ano on Skype.

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>>28401793
Isn't Ano dead, though?

Just yell at me at skype and you have my attention assured.

>>28401765
I'd love some, Fap, if you have the time. It's hard finding good advice, and even though I've been aware of this thread, it's a little embarrassing.

Not really one for asking for help, heh...

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>>28401863
>It's hard finding good advice, and even though I've been aware of this thread, it's a little embarrassing.
>it's a little embarrassing
Duuudeee, I've tried to write back when I was even less coherent than I'm now. That was embarrassing. And I've already read some juicy parts of yours couple of months ago, but then you got drifted away by the mean anons of fungabunga and I lost the devotion.

>Not really one for asking for help, heh...
It's ok to not ask for help as long as you accept it.

Well, it's no news for anyone, but my capability of being REALLY helpful is fairly limited if not existent. I know others here will recompensate that for you, so don't be afraid to ask about their opinions. Aaand... there's also a skype group if you are interested in more intimate and faster being called a fag.

It's 23:15 here, I call it a day<3

>>28401818
I'll send you a message today

>>28390689
That's not how you made it sound when you responded to the other anon's critique; you said you wanted to establish their connection as things went on, so that's how I looked at what I read. The sex was good, though, as I said.

>>28393717
I can do these as well, if you want. How close to done are you with them? I ask because, if you don't have much more to write until they're complete, you might want to wait for now and have me do the full story.

Okay, so, I could use a hand on something, and this seems like the right place to come for it:

How do I map out and write a coherent, longer story? All the green I've ever written is completely off the cuff, which is the way I'm comfortable writing, since it allows me to react to suggestions and ideas more quickly. Problem with that being, if anons like what I do write well enough, I'll feel inclined to keep writing, and eventually I can't keep the story consistent because I didn't really think about or plan any of this, I just spewed words into a reply box and hit post, and now I have to ruin something (either prior character development or upcoming pacing, usually) to write things that anyone would want to read.

On the flip side of that, when I come up with an overarching story and try to map out the major events I want to happen, I can get a few of the important scenes written, but then all the connections between them seem really forced and awkward, and to me at least it's obvious what was an important idea and what was just there to get from point A to point B.

How do you guys get your green to longer than a couple thousand words without it imploding on itself? I've dropped a few stories now because I either painted myself into a corner or never got properly started, and I'm tired of both.

>>28405067
>How do I map out and write a coherent, longer story?
Throw all the ideas you have, and all the things you want to accomplish into a pastebin. From there, create an outline of your story.

>Problem with that being, if anons like what I do write well enough, I'll feel inclined to keep writing, and eventually I can't keep the story consistent...and now I have to ruin something (either prior character development or upcoming pacing, usually) to write things that anyone would want to read.
Then don't compromise your work. Negating the work you did, instead of revising things to make them work, doesn't make you a better writer. It just reinforces carelessness. If you don't want to ruin the established material, then don't do it. Sit there and find a solution to your story's problem. Look up the term "negative capability."

>On the flip side of that, when I come up with an overarching story and try to map out the major events I want to happen...and to me at least it's obvious what was an important idea and what was just there to get from point A to point B.
If it doesn't work, scrap it. Find something that does. I can't tell you how many thousands of words I've had to up and delete because the scene didn't work, or the character's actions didn't make sense, or any of that. You can't hold sentimental value towards your ideas. If it works, great. If it doesn't, throw it away and find something that does.

>How do you guys get your green to longer than a couple thousand words without it imploding on itself?
Have an ending in mind. Having a goal to work towards forces you to think two steps in advance. Even if your ending changes from what you intended, simply having one helps.

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>>28405067
Agreed with the anon above. If you find yourself struggling to continue a piece of green, don't, especially if you think the quality of your writing is suffering as a result. Don't let writing become a slog for you, if anons want more of your work, direct them to your pastebin.

To paraphrase Ray Bradbury, let your characters do your work for you. First give them their heads, their wants, their fears; breathe life into them and you won't be asking what should happen next, but what they would do next. If you feel that your segues are forced, the solution lies in a fleshed out, reactive character. Don't be a writer. Be a reporter. This story is happening according to the actions of its characters, not according to the whims of an all-powerful author.

Start off with a character. Bring that character to life. Define that character's goal. Then, let that character run wild. Shoot them off and try to follow where they go. What's the shortest possible route that character will take to reach that goal? This would be a very short story indeed, so introduce hurdles, inconveniences, distractions. How your character will react and change in response, not the actual act of overcoming obstacles itself, is where the bulk of your writing will come from.

Friendly rainy day bump

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bomp

>>28407566

>>28379747
Diversity is our strength.

>>28405585
That is an amazing D&D experience.

>>28387665
fuck forgot to post that story here
>>28398091
hope its not too bad

Maybe a quick one before sleep.

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>>28404611
So, yeah. I might have been trying to distance myself. I really do think it needs a fairly comprehensive overhaul. In the end, more set up would benefit it more than anything I could finagle into the last chapter. Waugh...

As for the other story... At times I think it's almost done, and I actually have an end point planned, but...

It's probably got another 100000 words to it. The way I'm going, it might be done in December? It's winding down, but the plot points I want to cover are going to take a bit.

I said before, for all the problems it has, it's kinda my baby.

Jesus, I'm doing pretty well. I might be a little typsy, but I wanted to get back to you as soon as I could.

>the grass is nice, cool from a day of shade, yet still warm to nap on
>you drop your head onto the grass looking up
>the old oak tree you rest under has a certain charm about it
>the old branches at reaching out into the open breeze, cradling it's dark green leaves in the warmth of the afternoon sun
>closing your eyes you allow your body to relax, taking in only the sounds and smells of the world around you
>the smell of earth accompanied by the ever constant rustle of grass calms your mind
>your eyes slowly open as to absorb the colors of the world
>a sky stretching like a great blue ocean boasts rolling clouds, towering above the earth below
>your head rolls to the left, looking north the mountain range that devides this land into 4 distinct factions looms over as ancient Titans, guardians of a world past
>the clean air fills your lungs, your ears and nose feeling hot as your heart beats strong as an unstoppable machine in your chest
>the surrounding forest and valleys lay quiet, the grand city of Errandel lay south
>claimed by the StormWind, the faction of the south mountains, known for culture, art, and their music begins to light up as the sun slowly set unto the horizon

K guys, was testing my ability to write a setting, tips and critique are welcome

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>>28412757
There are some tense issues.

Putting that aside, it's a good intro. I'd probably end up restructuring about 1/3 of the ones, and making the last line into two, but yeah.

Also, end your lines with a period.

Your imagery is really nice, I'd just suggest you work on your structure.

>>28412880
Thank you for taking the time to respond

I will be taking your worlds and implementing them into my future works

This thread reminds me that fairy tail is on hiatus

>>28410574
If no one else is in line, I'll give you some feedback this weekend.

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>>28412740
>It's probably got another 100000 words to it
What the fuck are you talking about

Guys, I came here a few hours back.
Posted something.
And then chickened out and deleted the post.
But now, the situation has changed.
A writefag has decided to stop writing.
So I want to improve.
I need your advice to do so.
So I'm going to post something.
I'd like you to critique it without holding back.
I need to know what I lack, what I'm doing wrong.

>>28415471
>Been a while since you've arrived to Equis.
>Other than the strange talking animals, everthing seems to be the same as earth.
>Or rather.
>The dark ages of western civilization.
> You've been working at a barber's for a while now, cutting hair and stitching wounds.
>You don't exactly have the equipment you used to have, but at least the pay's good.
"All right Mrs Hang Dry, just make sure you keep of the bad leg and soak it in warm water twice a day. It should stop aching."
>"Thank you young man, it's nice to see such an knowledgeable boy."
"Thank you Mrs Hang Dry, have a safe trip home."
*rumble*
"ugh, that was the last one, Clean Cut I'll be heading home now."
>"I expect to find that sweet piece of rump here before sunrise young man."
"And I'm not working a second more unless you pay me more"
>The both of you share a short laugh.
>You stare at her with a smile on your face.
>It takes a while for it to sink in.
>"Oh, right. Here's your pay for the week.
See you in the morning."
"Thanks Clean Cut. I'll see you tomorrow."
>You take some time weighing the pouch in your hand.
>This is your pay
>The same pay you're going to spend on booze.
>Whoo somebody's gonna get smashed tonig-
*sob* *sob*
>Shit
>It's non of your business Anon. Just move on.
>"B-But you need some too, Celly."
>"It's okay Lulu, you take it. We still have some more, see?"
>Just a couple of gutter rats, that's all.
>"I know the bag's empty Celly, I checked last night."
>"Then I'll just go get some more later. It's fine"
>Yeah, just ignore it and keep walking.
>"The-they'll kill you if they catch you stealing again."
>Keep walking down that road you son of a bitch, you barely have enough cash to feed yourself.
"What's going on here?"
>Guess who's not drinking tonight?
>The white one scrambles to her feet.
>"N-nothing sir, don't mind us."
>She has a horn. Unicorn? No, wings too.
>Peculiar

>>28415507
"What's this I hear about stealing?"
>"Nothing sir, were were just kidding, that's all."
>She's painful to look at, skin with patchy white fur that clings to her frame. Skeletal frame. Her stomach had sunken in. Her wings lacked any plumage as many of the feathers have fallen off. You doubt she is even capable of proper flight at this point. Hell, if she laid still you would've thought she was a corpse.
>The dark blue one behind her begins to sob. She's no better off. Slightly smaller, and her leg was in a makeshift cast.
>You just had to be the nice guy didn'tcha.
>Fuck you, brain.
>Suck a dick, heart.
"Come on, let's get you someplace with a roof. It's going to rain soon."
>"No. We'll be fine on our own."
>Well, color you surprised, this one's got some spirit in her. But the growling thunder overhead reminds you of the situation at hand.
>Sighing, you pick up the blue one. And you feel a soft butt against your side.
>It was so soft, you almost missed it.
>"Put her down. NOW"
>You look down to the bundle of hungry and crying in your arms. You pull aside the bandages on the cast and lo and behold, it's infected. She wouldn't last the week out here.
>You keep feeling a soft prodding at your side as the white one attempts to impale you over and over again.
>"Why can't you ponies just leave us be?."
>Tears begin to drip down her face.
"She needs medical attention. I'm going to take her with me, whether you follow is up to you."
>You begin walking back towards the direction of your home.
>You hear a soft weak trotting behind you.
>She was crying.
>badfeelsfilly.

>>28415512
>You arrive at your home, a dinky little house near the outskirts of town.
>It's not much, but it's home.
>You carry the blue one in leave the door open for whitey.
"Shut the door behind you."
>You place the blue one on the couch gently, taking care not to disturb her wound.
"What's your name Dear?"
>You turn around to rummage for the medicine you need. Coriander, Sage, Thyme, and some cinnamon just to be sure.
>The door shuts shortly after. You hear the soft clip clop of hooves stop.
"Come on, I need to know what to call you. Can't go calling you dear the whole time. You're a pony."
>"I... I-I'm Luna"
>Rule #1: Learn the patient's name, it creates a false sense of aquaintance and puts the patient at ease when you call them by name.
>Water set to boil, sterilize the scizzors, lancet, forceps, canula, needle holder, glass bowl, and gloves.
>You begin pounding the leaves into a mash and look over to the white pony.
"How about you? What's your name"
>She remains silent.
"C'mon I need to call you something."
>The white pony refuses to talk to you.
"Well, fine. Listen to me, I need your help."
>She refuses to look you in the eye.
>You walk over to her and use both your hands to cup her cheeks, turning her head gently to face yours, but she just shuts her eyes. She smells pretty bad.
"Look at me, pony"
>She opens her eyes and you can see the fear in them. Fear and distrust. It reminds you of the earthquake back in 2017. So many orphans.
"That pony's life is in danger and I'm going to need your help if I'm going to help her. If this situation continues, she's going to experience a high fever that will destroy her brain or kill her altogether. So I need to know now. Can I rely on you to help her?"
>You feel her try to nod softly in your hands.
"Good, I see you have a horn, that means you can do magic, yes?"
>She nods slightly
"I need you to hand me my tools when I ask for them. Just lift up and send them my way. Can you do that?"
>She nods again.

>>28415523
"Come, I need you to remember the names of the tools."
>Water's boiling, you take the bottle of the alcohol you distilled.
>God this is going to cost you.
>No
>You don't regret this, a patient is a patient.
>You pour over half the bottle of alcohol onto the tray.
"White, take the tools and put them into the tray."
>She obeys and slowly brings the tools out from the kitchen and onto the tray.
>Equipment sterilized, you go to the patient.
"So, Luna, I'm going to asse- check your wounds. Now I'm going to tap the wounds and you tell me where it hurts, got it?"
>"Y-yes"
>You remove the makeshift cast and bandages and check the injury.
>No skeletal fracture
>Good
>Wounds are badly inflamed, that's bad. Some abscesses under the skin.
>Have to cut those out.
"I'm going to start tapping now."
>"Okay"
>Tapping down her injured leg you are greeted with sounds of discomfort.
>Still feels pain, good.
"Alright, now, I'm need you to breathe this in. It's going to numb you, so it doesn't hurt as much."
>You take out the sterilized bowl and drip some ether into it, then take some fire and put it beneath the bown, slowly heating the ether.
"Take deep breaths, slowly, that's right."
>Luna begins to go limp and you help her back onto the bed as she slowly drifts into the land of dreams.
>"What did you do to her!?" You hear the voice from behind you exclaim.
"Sshh, we'll need her unconcious for this. Are you ready?"
>She reluctantly nods
"All right, hand me the lancet."
>You make a small incision, breaking the dermis and epidermis. Pus begins to seep out.
"Wipe"
>A clean cloth is handed to you and you immediately begin soaking up the pus.
>An hour passes.
"I need the canula."
>You insert it slowly, draining the pus from the sub-dermal abscess into a pan.
"Sterilize this" you say, handing her the canula.

>>28415528
>Below you, Luna begins to stir and groans out in discomfort.
"She's waking, Ether and gauze"
>Another two hours pass in the same manner.
"Lancet, sterilize the second set of forceps and get me the first set"
"Wipe"
"Okay, the forceps and the needle holder. Sterilize this pair of gloves and get me another."
>You can tell that White is on her last foot... hoof.
>But you're close to done, just the last incision to sew up.
>Carefully...
>And you're done.
--
That's all of it.
Please tell me how I can improve this.

>>28415471
>So I want to improve.
Good for you, man.

Save

What determines the value of a story? The thought that went into it, or the thoughts you pull out of it? Can a story have unintentional parallels, and be read as an allegory, even if the writer never had that as an intention? Does that actually elevate the work, or make it an interesting example of reading too far into things? What about stories on the opposite end where the meaning is missed by the reader? Is it still valuable even if no one "gets" it?

>>28415539
This is human anon, correct? At one point, Celestia says, "Why can't you ponies just leave us be?." Extra period here by the way.

A few grammar and punctuation errors. Tense could use fixing in a few sentences. Missing words here and there.

You don't greentext Anon's dialogue and a few sound effects. Small gripe, but a little confusing on first reading.

I would've liked to have seen lengthier internal dialogue when Anon debates on whether or not to help the sisters out. As it stands, it's very half and half; Anon kinda wants to help, but he also kinda wants to get drunk, which makes him feel more flimsy as a character. Either have him argue with himself more or have him intent on helping from the very beginning.

Celestia gets a few descriptive sentences to herself, while Luna is relegated to "the dark blue one." You could've established them both a little more, it feels like she has a very minor role and enters this scene abruptly.

>Fuck you, brain.
>Suck a dick, heart.
These two lines imply that Anon is going against both logic and emotion. If Anon is worried about money (which he is going to spend on getting drunk anyways, making him less sympathetic), but is considering helping the sisters despite that, he should be listening to his heart and telling his brain to fuck off.

Coriander, sage, and cinnamon are not medicinal herbs. Thyme is arguable. You don't mention these ingredients later on anyways, so I don't see the point to including them. I was honestly expecting Anon to brew some tea or something at the end, would've been a funny subversion.

I find it a little hard to believe Luna would fall asleep so easily if her wounds were so inflamed. I think the scene would've been stronger if she had been awake enough to feel her wounds being cleaned and sterilized. Her pain, Celestia's concern and distrust of you, their eventual realization that Anon is only trying to help them would make for a stronger, more dynamic scenario.

>>28418449
Cont.

Also, where the fuck do you live Anon where you go to the barber to get a wound treated?

This is a very short scene, so I can't accurately gauge your storytelling skill as a whole. But from what I see, you can write a descriptive scene well. Work a little on your character building and you'll go a long way.

>>28418463
The barber was the doctor before there were doctors in olden days. Barbers would stitch you up, leech you, pull your teeth, pretty much anything we consider medical these days.

Furthermore, back in the day, most of those herbs were considered to have medicinal properties. It sounds to me like the writer is setting up a world where medical technology is reverted back to the mid seventeenth century? Somewhere around there.

>>28418463
First and foremost, thanks for your critique.

Some things I think I need clarification on, or should clarify myself.

>You don't greentext Anon's dialogue and a few sound effects. Small gripe, but a little confusing on first reading.

I get that the sound effects need to be greentext but shouldn't Anon's dialogue be black? Did you mean it was confusing because both the sfx and Anon's dialogue was in black text?

>Coriander, sage, and cinnamon are not medicinal herbs. Thyme is arguable. You don't mention these ingredients later on anyways, so I don't see the point to including them. I was honestly expecting Anon to brew some tea or something at the end, would've been a funny subversion.

Not medicinal, but antiseptic,
Yeah I forgot about those, need to put them in later down the line.

>I find it a little hard to believe Luna would fall asleep so easily if her wounds were so inflamed.

That's why I used Ether. It's a pretty effective primitive anesthetic although it takes a while to set in and it lasts quite long for primitive anesthesia.
Should I have kept Luna awake for the scene to deliver impact?

>Fuck you, brain.
>Suck a dick, heart.
When I wrote these two lines, I was thinking of an exchange between the heart and brain.
Do you have any suggestions as to how I can deliver this as intended?

>where do you live Anon where you go to the barber to get a wound treated?

>>28419020
This anon addresses the barber well.
Should I have described the situation more?
I was going for a "Let the reader deduce from the story, then slowly prove them right," thing.

So, what you mean is that I should spend more time developing/establishing the characters, maybe giving them more dialogue and descriptive sentences?

I'll try working on it more and see what I can make of it.
Thank you so much Anon, I really appreciate it.

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>>28419126
I meant that Anon's dialogue should be black and nothing else. Having that *rumble* come out of nowhere without any context makes it sound like he's hungry on a first reading.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't be so hung up on the herbs. I've just never heard of them in particular having any healing or antiseptic qualities. I'm definitely a layman though, so I wouldn't know for sure. You seem to know a thing or two, so I'll defer to you on this.

Yeah, I went over your story one more time and I must've missed the ether earlier. Sorry about that, I stand by the rest of that paragraph though. Is this all there is by the way? A conclusion feels necessary, something to sum up the change in your character's attitudes. Also, unless you're mainly going to focus on the relationship between Anon and Celestia, Luna missing out on interacting with her nurse on their first time meeting is a bit of a missed opportunity.

As it stands, this story is very static. Anon picks up Luna, Celestia just kinda tries to stop him, Anon easily puts Luna to sleep, Celestia agrees to help and they're done. There's not nearly enough conflict. They're not reacting naturally, it's as though they're following a script instead of acting as downtrodden and desperate as you describe them to be.

The line referring to the brain and heart makes more sense now that you put it that way. I would suggest showing more and telling less. Imagine a mental battle playing out in Anon's head between his heart and brain, both trying to wrest control of his limbs from the other, before his empathy wins out in the end and finally scooping Luna up in exhausted, but assured arms.

>>28419789

Being a barber makes sense too now that the other Anon and you clarified a bit. I did notice you sprinkling a bit of detail here and there regarding the world and Anon's backstory. It's all very offhand and never expanded on, so it doesn't leave much of an impression in my memory. You don't need to give too much, greentext being a pretty casual style of writing and all, but enough to justify mentioning these details without coming across as tacked on exposition. I guess what I'm asking for is more clarification in general. Not everybody's a genius and I would appreciate it if you made your writing more accessible to retards like me.

>>28412740
I understand, and appreciate you getting back to me. So, would you like me to wait on the other story, or give it a look now? I have no issues either way; my critique schedule is clear at the moment.

>>28419789
>>28419799
Thanks Anon, got it. Will start working on it as soon as possible.

>>28420451

>>28347910
Can we request stories?

Whenever I write, I love to use the word "Suddenly" a lot.
Does anyone have advice on how to fix this?

>>28419789
One thing I forgot to mention.
>A conclusion feels necessary, something to sum up the change in your character's attitudes.

To be honest, this is not all there is to the story, just the first part. That's why the story lacks conflict because the major conflict within the story is the hardship Anon and the diarchs will face later on.

And one more question to add on.
Do you have any suggestions for writing internal conflict?
>Should the formatting be in greentext for anything that is not said out loud
or should I use black text and write without quotation marks?

>>28418235
You. Both. Yes. Depends. Oh well. Yes.

Goodnight

>>28419961
Naw, don't bother, beyond first thoughts or anything. It's not done, and I don't want to tie you up when the thread's active.

When I'm finally done, This will be the first place I come, though. I really appreciate your thoughts on my other work, Guy. Have good times.

>>28422622
Not really something this thread focuses on, but you could always try and see if anyone bites.

>>28423222
Post example?

>>28423461
Like I said before, I think your Anon's debating on whether or not to help the sisters should be either very brief or stretched out longer. If he readily helps them with little hesitation, he seems like a kinder person from the onset. If he takes a while to think this decision over, the reader focuses on what he's giving up if he wants to be a kind Samaritan. If Anon is going to sacrifice booze to be a good man, I would suggest making him an alcoholic. Cliched, I know, but it gets my point across: he chooses to suffer so that the sisters don't and it is this kind of decision making that makes for a more compelling character.

Anon's dialogue is traditionally the only thing written in blacktext, but go for whatever gets your ideas across more clearly.

>>28423222
I have collected a lot of words that I repeat constantly; such as however, but, although. It mostly comes from my natural tone of writing which is actively negative and contradictive. The way I learned to fix it was by rewriting sentences in different ways. Learning to express the same message with different words will give you several tones at your disposal which also can keep your stories from sounding formulaic.

Good morning, writefags.

So here is a bit, trying my hand at dialogue, rate me and criticize, need to improve
The bit is based on the inter workings of what a thread is, it is centered around three voices Sean, Joy, and Sebastian
~~~~~
The creator is gone

All that is left are the ethereal voices in the abyss

>yo what's going on?

The thread is dieing

>oh, that sucks

Yeah kinda

>I really thought we would live this time

Me too, sometimes a creator needs time to create

>the emptiness is closing in

It won't be long now

>> should we be concerned?

>no the creator might continue to make content, have hope

Perhaps, after all, this is his world

>we truly are doomed then?

>>don't speak so down, I'm sure we have not been forgotten, after all, we are the thread itself

>you truly are a beacon of hope in the closing abyss

>>I find myself need both of you to keep me sain

The darkness is close now, We as one shall see its end

>will we see eachother again?

I don't know, we are the embodiment of the thread, without it we are nothing

>>please don't say that, I wish to stay with you both

>i see the abyss, the thread dieing, it's so close

come close now, I care for you two most dearly, if only it did not end like this

>>I'm scared, I don't want to die

It is not our decision to make, we are at the will of th-

>but why?! Is it so wrong to want to live?!

My dear companions...

>>hold me close, for I wish to be with you until the end

>until the end...

Until the end...


~~~~~~~

>>28429520
What this Anon said.

>>28410574
I'll be looking at your story tonight.

wew

ump

night

>>28410574
Okay, reading your story right now.

>>28410574
Your grammar needs some clean up. First, don't use fragmented statements
>Be Anon.
I'm not a fan of this opening, but at least say >You are Anon.
Also, you need to understand the importance of punctuation, commas especially.
The opening could use a slight reordering. The first sentence says who Anon is, then the next is saying the most recent thing Anon has done, which was move to Ponyville, which is then followed by background information. It makes more sense logically to introduce the character, provide background information, with the oldest relevant information coming first, then work your way forwards, having the most recent stuff stated last. It's a really little thing, but it can create a smoother experience for the reader if they see things chronologically leading up to the present moment, rather than establish something now, then jump back to the past, then jump back forward.

>No clue why or how, never really got an answer from Celestia, who has practically raised you all these years and treated you like you're her own son.
Here, you use different tenses. Pick one, either past or present, and stick with it.
>You had no clue why, or how. You never really got an answer from Celestia, who practically raised you all those years and treated you like you were her own son.
Or
>You have no clue why, or how. Celestia, who treats you like you're her own son, won't give you an answer.
Another thing I want to point out is your usage of useless modifiers, like "really" and "practically." They don't clarify, add, or emphasize anything. They're part of everyday speech, but this is writing, so make every word count. Don't throw them in unless you have a deliberate reason to. Otherwise, they muddy things up.
Not only that, you have one line that starts with
>No clue why or how
And the very next line starts with
>You don't fucking know why or how
You've told the reader the exact same information in almost the exact same manner.

continued.

>>28433960
>your as clueless as any other
You're
"the fuck?"
Capitalize the beginnings of all sentences.

The first day that Anon is in Ponyville, he gets a letter from Celestia, who he lived with not two days prior. Considering how long mail takes to travel, she probably sent that two, maybe three days prior, which would put it as being written around the time that Anon would still be with her where she could tell him this information in person. Stuff like this can happen, someone forgets to say something, then has to send a message that will catch up with the other party eventually, but the timing is odd.

>a small purple green dragon
Do you mean purple AND green? Or some color that combines the two?

>He runs off likely to get Twilight.
He just yelled Twilight's name. I'd say it's more than just "likely."

>"Oh hello Anon, its been awhile since I've last seen you, you seem to be doing well, adjusting to ponyville well enough?"
How is this an appropriate reaction? Wouldn't she be curious as to why he's in Ponyville in the first place? From this statement, it comes across that she knows he's not just visiting, but living in Ponyville. As the reader, I know that, but how would she?

>Pinkie introduces them all to you in her usual loud and cheery fashion.
As in the usual fashion that was established as of this morning? That's strange language to describe behavior of a character we haven't even known for a whole day.

continued.

>>28434036
Okay, I'm finishing up. A lot of my criticisms laid earlier apply later on. The biggest thing you can improve on is your punctuation. Punctuation is so damn important.

As far as I can tell, the whole party scene serves no purpose. None of this time was spent establishing anything significant. From the beginning, the reader understands that the story will be about Anon and his new roommate in a week. So how is the party relevant to the story that will take place? It doesn't serve to expand on Anon's character, other than that he doesn't usually like these kinds of parties, and that his are much wilder.

Then we get this bombshell.
>Usually you stayed up a lot later but you're trying to turn a new leaf and start your new life here right not taking any chances on fucking that up.
That's crucial information about our character. Why wasn't that brought up earlier? Why wasn't that one of the first things established about this character? You could have made Anon's first day about highlighting and expanding on this idea. That right there is interesting. Give me the interesting bits.

To sum this up, this story could be a lot stronger. You need to take time to proofread your work, and clean up your grammar. It's not atrocious, but it definitely gets in the way of reading. Secondly, think about the information you're providing the reader. What's important at the moment? What's not? How can you present the essential information in a coherent manner? How do the scenes and moments contribute to the story? Right now, it feels like you're just spilling words onto the page, which is fine, but now we need to start refining our thoughts, and thinking about how construct them the best we can.

>>28347910

>>28427188
No problem, and you're welcome. I look forward to seeing it. I'll be here when you come back.

>>28428570
First up, you're misspelling "dying" and "sane." Second, it's kind of a wonky topic to try your hand at dialogue, because there's not much room in there for you to let your interlocutors explore and discuss things.

I could only tell the difference among these talkers by the color of their text or the amount of arrows, and that's a bad sign. In really good dialogue, the reader can generally tell who is talking just by their style of speech. That is not always the case, nor should it be, but it's a nice sort of general goal for one to shoot for.

One of the things that's making this dialogue particularly hard to take is the fact that so much of it is expository. Your people are talking about the situation they're in as if no one thinks the others know what's going on. If they're sharing the same situation, then why should one bother to say "after all, this is his world" or "we are the embodiment of the thread, without it we are nothing" (need a semicolon in place of a comma there, by the way)? They should all know that, so their sentences come across as for the readers' benefit only, which breaks immersion. Have them talk as though they are actually in the situation, with no one reading them, and it'll sound a lot more natural.

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Are there common forms in literature like in music? I know there's the intro-rising action-climax-falling action-resolution, but are there any others?

Save

Goodnight, thread.

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>>28437973
Well, it 's there, in it's less than complete form.
I'm drunk again so ignore this, but I wouldn't mind your thoughts, less than a full critique.

I know, I'm needy. Just ask Fapman. He's probably used to my vatergenemshist by now. Butchery. Whatever.

Kisses, I' m really glad you guys provide your input.
Wargleurglemanenstrauss. I'm just being stupid now. Scotch is a hell of a drug...

>>28440235
Nice thing, the picture, it is.

>>28443831
>I know, I'm needy. Just ask Fapman. He's probably used to my vatergenemshist by now. Butchery. Whatever.
Pheno ain't needy, he just sticks to the fingerbangers mostly, and he is inside the inner cyrcle of faggotry. Just excuse him and give him your best <3

>>28437973
Hi, Little Guy!

Hello, I'm Dr. Anonymous and am having some problems with writers block. If I could get some feedback for my work I would be very appreciative.

>>28445305
you're Dr Anonymous... wow, dude your green was always consistently good. I would love to help if meant you continued writing. Which story did you want looked at?

>>28445320
My self titled story, Dr. Anonymous. The one about ponies arriving on an earth hostile to them.

I shall only post the pastebin as posting the whole story in it's entirety would take a few hours
http://pastebin.com/kMaAb9zL

>>28445345
Reading this really takes me back.

>>28445345
Why have I never seen this story before? It's not bad (besides the occasional spell error)

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>>28445556
Ahh you must be new here.

Bump for life

>>28445634
Why is he a newfag?

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>>28445305
>>28445320
>>28445333
>>28445345
>>28445402
>not sure if not samefaggin'

>>28445556
Because, if it's legit, the pastebin is from november '14, and that means it exists longer than you're in the fandominium, off by one kenobi.

>>28445305
Join the skype chat. We'll help, or you'll kill us. Win win situation.

>>28443831
Don't worry about it. If it's all the same to you, I'll wait until you're ready for the full critique. I don't like giving first impressions; I don't think they're particularly helpful, compared to the more in-depth stuff that I do.

>>28444634
Hey, what's up? Good to see you around, Fap.

>>28445305
I too would be happy to give you some critique, if you want.

>>28450178
Hey, since you're an English major, could I bother you to opine on these?
>>28418235
>>28440235

Also, goodnight bump

>>28450709
Yeah, sure.

>>28418235
In my opinion, a story has value if the creator genuinely believes it to be so, or enjoyed the process of writing it. Satisfaction has to come from within first and foremost, because, otherwise, you're likely to run out of motivation to better yourself. That isn't to belittle what the readers can get out of something; a well-structured, thought out story can have a depth of meaning, and that gives it a huge amount of value as well. Something that you feel is a good piece of writing is valuable to you, intrinsically, but what readers pull from it adds to this—even if, later on, you grow to dislike what you produced.

Stories have unintentional parallels, allegorical content, and symbolism all the time. It's actually a common fallacy that the only proper way to read something is the way the author intended. It presupposes that the reader doesn't have any ideas of his or her own about the subject material. I would argue that this does not elevate the work, because, with enough time or thought, you can find hidden meaning in anything. If a reader misses the story's point, it could mean that the story isn't clear, or it could mean that the reader wasn't reading to find any sort of deeper meaning. Value, in that case, would have to be determined situationally.

>>28440235
From my experience, pretty much every story follows that basic formula, or builds from it. Some stories put things in between, some stories rearrange the elements, but most contain them. A story that starts in medias res, for instance, gives you the rising action or even climax first, but it still has to exposit at some point, which would cover the beginning or rising action. Some like to skip the resolution, and just give you the falling action, so the reader can fill in the blanks on their own. I personally don't like those endings; I think they're lazy.

The only other common form I can think of would be your slice of life kind of stories, where the plot, such as it is, is just a linear sequence of events with no increase in tension, or in severity of consequences. If I remember correctly, I think "Winesburg, Ohio" does this. I read it a long time ago.

There are also all sorts of experimental works, things that try to convey their stories without falling into the usual formula, but those are really difficult to do well, because they go about things with a necessary lack of clarity. They're frequently criticized for being postmodern drivel. Folks like Vonnegut mix experimental styles with conventional storytelling, and I think that's much more successful, if not a bit of a pain in the ass to read at times.

The thing of it is, the whole "intro, rising action, climax, falling action, resolution" thing is so general that it's hard to escape it. Any story with a beginning has an intro, and any story with characters that have a goal has rising action, even if the action is quite simple, and that usually leads to a climax, because that action has to reach some kind of point where it can begin resolving. For that same reason, stories that try to avoid the formula become extreme and weird, because they must go to great lengths to escape such general criteria.

B

>>28347910

>>28452007
>>28451755
>>28451910
>the rules are simple, the two contestants will fight to the death over A fire filled pit of spears for the right hand of the maiden and the right to be king
>the queen sits in the royal seats overlooking the arena, her attention is directed elsewhere
>she groans and shakes her head
the first few times this happened was exciting yet now it is just stupid, in all my years not a single man has taken my hand from the pig who calls me his queen
>lazily she looks back towards to the arena center, where her husband and the challenger battle
>a flash of a spear slices the challengers cheek, his muscles rippling to dodge the attack
>the blow is traded as his knife meets the kings arm, forcing his assult into a cry of pain
>they both clash forcing them towards the edge, fire and smoke licking their feet
This is wasteful
>she sighs gesturing for the handmaiden to bring wine
>the queen brings the golden chalice to her nose and inhales deeply before taking a sip
>the clash of metal and the cheer of the crowd spread through the air
>she pauses looking at the challenger, his body sweaty and shining in the harsh sun
>sipping her wine she looks at his body hungrily, her husband couldn't even take her verginity hes so fat
What a waste this is, I should have poisoned him long ago
>she whispered somthing to the handmaiden when she hears the gaps of the crowd
>she sighs and stands knowing how this would end
Oh?
>standing over the edge, knife stained crimson stood the challenger, the emperor burning below
How interesting
>she signals a guard and a horn sounds
>the spike pit begins to close and platform extended to cover
>she walks out heading to the arena center
>a dozen guards follow surrounding the challenger
>She moves from the entrance of the arena previously closed by a metal gate
From the people steps a man
>she looks him up and down
Speak your name champion
>he hesitates
>"Anonymous, my queen"

Posted here before, just wanna know if I improved

>>28452313
>Posted here before
Well, nice to meet you, Anonymous.

>just wanna know if I improved
In comparison to... what or who?

>>28452538
I posted this
>>28350028
>>28350235
>>28350473
>>28350571
I took some tips and pointers, I guess someone like the green I recently posted here and wanted to see more, although it was just a quick thing I tried to extend it with no great success as I am made by a sudden strike in inspiration, not with any real story planning

>>28451105
>>28451230
Thank you for your responses