Writefag's Guild: Who bumps in the night?

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Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>28245885
I bump in the night.

>>28245916
Well someone failed their job
It was me

>>28245885
>Not the guild icon as OP

Well this one is at least more eye-catching than a pony reading a book. Props.

>>28245983
Something different though still related.

>>28245885
That's a pretty neat image

>>28245885
>pacific rim islanders
>huge tiki robots fighting monsters
Yes.

>>28247613
I'd out in the horrid setting that is OUTSIDE to go to the movies to see that.

>>28245893

Your Mega links is invalid. It says it requires a decryption key.

The OC guide also returned a not found error.

>>28248736
I just copy pasted from the last few intros. I have no idea why those are screwy.

Someone get on this.

>>28247613
FUND IT

bump because of porn

cadence is back, be on your toes

What is the effect of splicing up someone's story and rearranging the order? Is it still possible to convey a coherent arc?

Example: I'm thinking about a story with two characters, but the arc of one of them is entirely through flashbacks. Can you still have a satisfying arc and resolution if the flashbacks aren't necessarily in chronological order?

Fast board tonight

>>28250859
>>28251384
>>28253088
it keeps happening

I wish I could be here to bump this, but I gotta get some sleep. I wish this thread the best of luck tonight.

>>28253468
We'll be here, don't sweat it senpai

safety bump

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>>28251928
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonlinear_narrative
It's certainly possible and has been done before. It's also overly complicated and can easily turn a story into a jumbled mess. Is the character whose story is told through flashbacks dead? What exactly do you think you'll gain from structuring your narrative in such a manner?

Is your story set up in such a way that you expect the reader to piece the storyline together on their own like Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs?

Is the character whose not the subject of these flashbacks an unreliable narrator and you're going to use these flashbacks as a vehicle for revelations à la Memento?

Are you going to use flashbacks to emphasize character traits, such as in Man of Steel?

>>28254362
It's not like Pulp Fiction, or one of those *record scratch* "Yep, that's me. I bet you're wondering, 'how did I end up in this situation?'"

It's a day spent with two characters, one asking about the other, and the other telling little stories about themselves. One story may be two years earlier, then the next is four years earlier, then the next story immediately follows the events of the first story. It's all about revealing a character through their past.
>à la Memento?
Were you the one who handed out a link to that movie way back? If so, I planned on watching it, but when I got around to it the video was non-existent.

That's right, baby. You love it when I bump you like that, don't you?

Here's a question. Where on /mlp/ do you guys write?

>>28255922
Just wherever I bite onto writefag bait, whether that be a thread prompt, or an idea that just gets tossed around in a thread. I don't normally go to generals, but will occasionally drop my stories there once I'm done.

bump

i


cone

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>>28254904
>It's a day spent with two characters, one asking about the other, and the other telling little stories about themselves.
That scenario can definitely convey a coherent plot.

How active is the character asking the questions? Is he a passive listener and serves as the audience surrogate?

Is the subject of these flashbacks the primary protagonist, the one that we will see an arc and character growth from? You said you're going to reveal the character through these flashbacks. A typical arc goes: character establishment>rising action>climax>falling action. How exactly do you plan on arranging them?

How important is the present in regards to the narrative course of the plot? Does anything significant occur or is it used mostly as a framing story?

And no, I did not link Memento. It's pretty much the definitive film example of nonlinear storytelling and unreliable narrator, so I'm not surprised someone's mentioned it before to you if you're pursing thus style of writing.

>>28255922
Almost exclusively generals. Sometimes a prompt will catch my eye, but I prefer to keep my stuff contained.

>>28256714
>Is the subject of these flashbacks the primary protagonist
Sort of. The present moment is through the eyes of Anon, but the pony telling the stories and going through the flashbacks is the real main character.

>A typical arc goes: character establishment>rising action>climax>falling action. How exactly do you plan on arranging them?
I'm aware of the plot line structure. The way I had planned it is to establish the characters in the present moment, then reveal bits about their past, more benign stuff like personality and surface facts, then jump around to the more dramatic moments of the character's life.

>How important is the present in regards to the narrative course of the plot? Does anything significant occur or is it used mostly as a framing story?
The present moment plays a step in the arc of the main character. I don't know how to say this, but the present situation is not a mystery. How the two wound up together is explained right away. The flashbacks are there to emphasize the significance of the present moment. It's not about they how, like in most non-linear narratives, it's more about the why, if that makes any sense.

jeez, why is the board so fast today?

>>28257996
Shitposting.

Who is the most fun pony to write and why is it Pinkie Pie?

>>28259769
>He doesn't like overdramatic Trixie

Good luck bump

>>28259962
>He doesn't like flustered Twilight

>>28257334

>>28260740
Flustered Twilight is one of the funnest things to write

BEEEMP

>>28258907
More than usual?

>Before you knew it, Fluttershy had shoved you to the floor.
>She desperately smiled at you, insistently pressing her hoofs into your forearms.
>“Anon, all I want is for you to love me back!”
>Of course that's all your stalker would want.
>Though, it was a tempting offer.
>But how crazy was she?
>How difficult would it be to tame her?
“Fluttershy, I'm flattered, really...” you chime with an awkward smile plastered on your face.
>Coffee, that you had been drinking as you opened your front door, was now pooling around your body and soaking into your nice bathrobe.
“Even if we were to be in a relationship with you, we- no- I would need to set some ground rules.”
>She shrieks in excitement, embracing you.
>Fuck man, you hadn't said yes.
“Don't you even want to know what those rules are?”
>“Oh, I'll agree to anything! As long as I'm with you Anon~!” she squeals in a sing-song manner.
“First, please explain why you decided to stalk me,” you demand.
>Her typical yellow fur appears to turn bright red.
>“W-well...” she stutters, her eyes gazing off to the another part of the room, “It's because you're so cute~!”
>Cute?
>CUTE?
>Well, cute wouldn't be the first word you'd use to describe a big, burly, manly man, such as yourself.
>As you come back to reality, you notice Fluttershy has been nibbling your shirt.
>Daw.
>Wait, not daw.
>This is the same horse that you caught wearing your underwear in multiple inappropriate places.
“Please, restrain yourself woma--”
>Wait, woman is not the right word.
>Fluttershy's head snaps up.
>“Woma?”
>Okay, legitimate question Anon... Why are you spilling spaghetti all over yourself?
“Forget it.”
>First order of business is to lay down the law.
“Alright Fluttershy, my first condition is that you do whatever I ask you to.”
>“Oh, you like submissive types Anon?” she asks, almost pure of intent.
>...
>Well, she's not wrong.

Fuck my shit up.

Also bump.

>>28261794
Much.

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>>28262152
>>28261794
>>28258907
What do I type into the archives to find it? I'm just curious.

Also, I'm a writefag on here who had come to this thread some time ago for advice regarding a cluster of stories I wrote, which Little Guy had edited. I've come back because... well it's a bit of a long story.
In summary:
>Used to think I was really good at writing until a few months ago.
>Read a work so good that it crushed my self-esteem because the author had so much passion for what she wrote. And it showed.
>Been trying to write better but can't seem to get there.
>Feel like I'm too dull and can't really incorporate my all (or even half of it anymore) into things that I write.

I've asked a few people I occasionally chat with for advice/criticism because I didn't think to come here until there was no living thread available. From what I gathered so far, I lack enthusiasm and it's easy to tell that my heart's not in what I write. And I have a hard time getting my audiences to relate and become invested into the story. Things like that. I guess the best way to describe it is that I lack flavor/feeling to what I write, and I've wanted someone here to read some of my more recent works and tell me in as much detail and depth as possible what it is I've been doing wrong. I really want to hear from an informed perspective like those of the people I've seen in this thread.

Can somebody here show me the way so I can get my mind back?

>>28262994
I'm interested in this story that crushed your dreams. Got a link?

I can take a look at yours, but let me ask you this: although your stories feel 'bland' to you, do you feel they accomplish their goal? Does the end result teach a lesson or touch the theme you wanted or bring everything to a nice tight conclusion? Are you still able to finish stories and say 'I did what I set out to do?'

I say this because passion is fleeting, especially for an entire story and doubly so after you've written so many. You can still find that same passion in older writers with libraries of books, but it is contained in parts rather than from cover to cover. As long as you can find those parts that really fire you up you're going to be alright.

>>28262994
Go to desuarchive. Also, were you the one who posted three stories in the last thread? If so, I still haven't had a chance to look over your other two stories.

>>28263844
No, that was me. Thanks for looking, do you need the links again?

>>28264266
>do you need the links again?
Yes.

>>28264348

http://pastebin.com/JdUadny6 - shipbuilder oneshot
http://pastebin.com/97ygUebT - merchant oneshot
http://pastebin.com/mC8pnNJa - child series

There's the links. You already read the first one, but I threw it in there again in case you want to reference it or something. The second was made about 4 months after the first, and the third was made about 2 years after the second, and is again a series so some things may relate to prior events.

>>28264423
Awesome. I'll get around to the second story tonight.

>>28264436
Tubular. Much appreciated.

>>28261119
Even more fun than sad Dash?

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Introvert wallflower here.

I'm just wondering what a Type A personality would be like in a party for a normal person, both good and bad. What do they do before, during and after a party? How do they prepare? And most importantly, what do they feel?

Would MLP and epic poetry be a good mix?

>>28266267
Yes. If you mean epic poetry as in Homerian Epic.

>>28266466
Something like that. I had an old story idea that had some challenges to work around, but I thought the style of an epic poem would circumvent those challenges

>>28266567
Do it. I love those stories.

>>28266577
It might be a while. It's on the back burner right now.

>>28267281
Ah the infamous back burner.

>>28267955
It'll get cooked eventually.

So, decided to finally check this thread out after... I unno, you guys been around for a year yet? Feels like a year. Anyway, when was the last time a story was dumped? I feel like seeing if a story I wrote two-ish years ago still earns interest or not, but don't want to be a rude boy.

>>28268318
Go ahead. Seems to be the trend lately.

>>28268333
All right, just need a few to finish some chores and I'll get the balls to nut up and post.

>>28268318
We've been around for 2 years. We debuted on Christmas Eve of '14 with our previous name "So You Wanna Be a Writefag" then we changed it to The Writefags' Guild.

Now post em greens mango

>>28268875

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>>28263844
No, I last posted here over a year ago. I'm not even entirely sure if Little Guy is still around anymore, to be honest. Does he still post here?
>>28263665
This is the story I was talking about. It's the best thing I've ever read, in my opinion. Lots of respect for this author. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/315682/courage-and-change

And here's something I wrote pretty recently:
http://pastebin.com/q0AxHQk7
I apologize if it's too long. I can't help but drag things out when I'm not rushing too fast to end it.

>Does the end result teach a lesson or touch the theme you wanted or bring everything to a nice tight conclusion?
No idea.
>Are you still able to finish stories and say 'I did what I set out to do?'
>Do you feel they accomplish their goal?
Nope. It never turns out how I pictured in my head. And I barely picture much to begin with.

But still, I really hope I can get some sort of closure on this. I'm kind of willing to learn how to actually become a good writer. I'd love to know everything about what I did wrong and what need to do right.

>>28268351
Don't bitch out on us now, man.

>>28270224
>Does he still post here?
Yes, he does. It's been a while since his last post though.

>>28270224
>EQG
>Scilight and ShimSham ship
>21000 words
There's the problem. Your taste is shit.

Memes aside I'll take a look at both hers and yours (nigga I aint reading all that) and say a few things. I don't care for EQG nor have any idea what happens in the movies so I'll have to focus more on sentence structure and the like.

>>28270224
>>28272529
>41000 words
I repeat my earlier statement; nigga I aint reading all that. I read a bit over 8000 and I just had to stop. Maybe someone else would be willing to read the entire thing over, but you have to realize that is one hell of a tall order. However, to get a better read on your writing I did check out a few of your other stories, specifically the Trixie Self-Insert. So here's my thoughts.

You have a very serious case of the infamous "show don't tell" issue. Everything is explained from how a character feels, to a characters past, to the speed of the book flying towards Zest's head. It gets a little bit better later on, but you really need to tone it down. It may feel like all of those things are important and the reader needs to know these details, but have some faith in the reader. Let them imagine and assume. Have faith that they can math out a book thrown beats a finger poke.

Example:
>Lemon Zest has been told time and time again not to wear her headphones in class.
>But she didn’t listen.
>And now here she is, silently nodding her head to the beat as the teacher goes over the most important part of the lesson. Well, it would be completely silent if she hadn’t turned the volume all the way up.
>The teacher calls on the girl, who of course doesn’t hear him.
>”Lemon!” The teacher repeats.
>No response, unsurprisingly.
>Indigo Zap gets up to tap the girl on the shoulder, but Sour Sweet just throws a book at her. The book reaches the girl’s shoulder before Zap’s finger does.

To:
>Lemon Zest has been told time and time again not to wear her headphones in class.
>But she didn't listen.
>Instead she nods her head to the beat that everyone can hear interrupting the teacher at the most important part of the lesson.
>The teacher calls on the girl who of course does not hear him.
>Indigo Zap goes to tap the girl on the shoulder, but a book flies past her head and into Zest startling the girl.

>>28273095
Yes, I cut out those extra two lines on purpose. It's redundant to say the teacher calls on her and she doesn't listen, and then to have it said. Pick one or the other. It will save you a lot of words and a lot of headache especially on larger pieces where you start to feel you have already used every word in the dictionary when making new sentences.

Your dialogue has this same problem. A lot of things are overstated or repeated lowering the weight of what was said. The teacher (Anonymous) had a good point about education and the outside world, but ran too far with it. The lecture feels it would end best on line 45, and that could also be cut to just "You're not psychic. You can't predict what you're gonna need in the future."

>This is where the story begins, where the teacher learns how to truly reach out to someone and make them listen.
No. Bad. You've stated the goal of the story instead of letting readers discover it for themselves. Even if it is the most obvious and cliche plot line let them question the twists and turns. There is a very real chance you can end up expressing a theme or goal you never intended to. The worst thing you can do is stick both you and the reader into this unchangeable course.

Lines 68-85 in the same vein felt like a plot dump. Very exposition heavy. Cinch also felt very forced and the reasoning contrived. If Zest was improving while still owning the headphones there was really no reason to obsess over taking them away. Even for Principal Satan, results speak for results and if the test scores and grades improved then why keep pushing for them to be taken away? That was the only reason given for the conflict and it was solved.

By the time I stopped I was just tired of it. It felt like double work from the repetition which also slowed progress to the point I was not interested what would happen next. So, that is the downside. Now to flip things around.

>>28273249
You can easily fix all of these things by pacing yourself. Express things with little cues and muttered phrases spread out through the course of the story. The impact will be greater and you will save yourself a lot of work.

For instance, leaving out the teacher's rant about why he became a teacher and how he enjoys seeing his students grow gives something to be brought up later to add depth and empathy. If this absent early on then the conflict between him and Cinch over the headphones becomes more of a question about teacher's ethics, where their responsibility starts and ends. Later when Zest is not using her headphones even though she still has them and is actually paying attention as if eager to learn the joy of seeing a student saved can be prompted.

I won't lie, this will create times where you feel that the important details are being missed completely, but you have to have faith. Doing this comes off so much better causing people to keep reading giving you more opportunities to express those emotions.

And the best way I believe you can learn is to work on your dialogue. Even though the Trixie Self-Insert starts dialogue heavy it quickly spirals back to descriptions. Proper dialogue is an amazing tool that can express a characters feelings in few words just by how they react when knowing others will hear them. So here's an exercise I want you to do.

Write a conversation between any 2 or 3 characters.
Everything has to be said. No descriptions at all.
You can use "X says/ Y says" as much as you want.
You may only use '...' or 's-stuttering' 3 times

Try to make it more than saying hi on the street. Pick a conflict and go to its conclusion. Hell try doing the Trixie paste again with these rules. Come back with a pastebin link or post it here and I'll look at it.

Fo shizzle my rizzle

>>28264423
Alright, I just finished your second story. Sorry about not getting to it when I promised.

Some things I liked were your characters. All of them feel very defined and distinct from one another, especially Anon's character. And I like that you didn't flanderize Rarity's character, but still managed to make her feel like Rarity. It's tougher to do than you'd think, so I applaud you for that.

Other than that, there's not much to say. The story is sort of lack luster. It can be summed up as
>Anon needs to sell some rugs and fix his wheel
>He talks to some store owners
>He sells his rugs
There's nothing wrong with a simple plot. You can use it as a framework for something else, like in your first story that had a cozy atmosphere created from the abundance of imagery that the reader could breathe in. Here, there just isn't much. Anon's troubles are easily solved, and the professional relationship/friendship between Rarity and Anon doesn't develop in any way.

You don't have to do a lot. It doesn't need to devolve into romance, or turn into an adventurous plot. You could do something as simple as making Felt a tougher sale to make, or have Rarity and Anon work together in the sale, playing off each others' strengths, resulting in a deeper trust with one another. I don't want to impose myself onto your story; those are just some ideas.

>>28275597
No problem. I'm happy enough with the fact you decided to read it alone, everything else is just a bonus.

I'm glad you found the characters distinct, and more importantly, Rarity as in character. That is always the biggest thing I stress in my writing and if they don't feel like their show counterpart than I personally find zero worth in writing fanfiction. Your praise in that regard is something I will cherish.

>Bland, lack luster, simple plot
I 100% agree. The one shot was intended to go much farther, but by that point I had gotten tired of writing that story and wanted to focus on my main story. The story was also intended to be sort of like a pilot episode to see if the concept had legs. I intend to one day make it a short series with many of the things you suggested. No specific romance or adventure, but going from deal to deal overcoming different challenges until the conclusion of the hint I dropped early on.

Those points aside I lately have come to the realization that scenery kills me now. Like you said in the first story the reader could really imagine being there, but since then I feel I've come short. Trying to spend extra time on descriptions drives me nuts now and I constantly worry about going overboard. It's that minimalist argument in literature that plagues the mind. To that end I'll need to start looking at some more examples.

>>28276145
>The story was also intended to be sort of like a pilot episode to see if the concept had legs
That sheds a bit of light onto it.

>Those points aside I lately have come to the realization that scenery kills me now. Like you said in the first story the reader could really imagine being there, but since then I feel I've come short. Trying to spend extra time on descriptions drives me nuts now and I constantly worry about going overboard. It's that minimalist argument in literature that plagues the mind. To that end I'll need to start looking at some more examples.
It's a practice thing. The more you do it, the more you get a feel for what an appropriate amount of description is needed.

I'll read your last story soon. I'll probably read some tonight, but I'll definitely have feedback tomorrow.

>>28277093
Many many practicings.

I feel like I've stagnated and I don't know why. I haven't gone back to my story in more than a week, even though I've got it outlined.

>>28277641
Writings hard.

>>28277641
>I feel like I've stagnated
Like creatively? Motivation wise?

>>28277966
Both. There's a scene I haven't gotten past writing yet.

>>28270261
Sorry! Sorry. Quite the opposite, actually. I was getting ready to post it when I realized that two years ago, I was making mistakes all over the place. Going back and actually cleaning it up a bit. Sorry again for the delays.

>>28245885

fuck you

>>28278478
I'm just giving you shit, man.

>>28279580
Rude

>>28261933
Flutterrape? Also, pretty enjoyable. Would like to see where it goes.

>>28265863
Are you talking about type A being more assertive, impatient, and goal-driven, or are you imagining type A as just being extroverted?

I've been told that my style of writing is detached and devoid of emotion. Now, I've been writing for a while, so I've gotten to the point where that doesn't necessarily translate to "bad", but I would like to be able to branch out and be a bit more emotive. So, how does one be more emotive in writing?

>>28281325
Cry while writing.

Or more realistically add more internal reactions to characters.

>>28281161
Sadly, yes. I should have typed extroverted instead.

I did some research and have a basic idea, but I wanted to know what other people's experiences of partying were like since I do it rarely.

That and it was an elaborate bump, so I may not have thought my question or how valid it is on a thread like this.

>>28281511
Internal reactions (e.g. "he felt sad") feel a bit "tell-y" to me. Plus I don't like to really delve into the thoughts and feelings of characters who aren't the scene's POV character.

Then again, really only got this feedback on a story where the POV character was actually a cold and detached individual, so YMMV.

>>28281711
Not that kind of internal reactions. Like muscle spasms, butterflies in stomach, clenching teeth and fluttering heart. Involuntary reactions.

>>28281814
Oh. Yeah, I do those with more emotional protagonists. But the criticism was directed at the style of writing rather than the substance, so I was a bit thrown off there.

>>28281847
Links

>>28281859
The one I put on Fimfiction might be a bit different (i.e. more polished), but I have bad experience to linking my stuff there to 4chan, so have a GDoc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jwoDky1cDdX4KNTecydrbsSvRrFGnYGigbeoN4Vo_q0/edit?usp=sharing

I don't really have a decent GDoc with a more emotive protagonist to compare, but I might be able to copy/paste something from Fimfic to there if you need something to compare.

>>28281899
>bad experience linking my stuff there to 4chan
Explain.

>>28282065
>guy on /mlp/ asks for a link to the story
>I give link
>all the stories on my account magically get one extra downvote

Shit like that. It's annoying. And easily avoided, hence the use of GDocs.

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>>28282106
>caring about statistics
Oh you. Teasing aside this is 4chan if that's what you worry about then I won't mock you.

On to the story. I can see why you received the criticism and feel this way. It is valid. The characters do come off rather bland mostly due to their speech. It's very refined and lacks grit. What I mean by grit is those bits of speech that ignore the rules in everyday life such as saying ain't or wanna; or mixing up I and me; or not including a noun at all because it is implied. It reads like a B-grade Shakespeare or a Victorian style melodrama.

The second biggest thing is where you put it. This is ponies. A story like this COULD work, but in the land of colorful horses doing cute things the story just comes off as a giant 'Why?' Granted, dark stories are ones I don't particularly care for, but this story still had enough potential that I was slightly interested. I enjoy intrigue and I enjoy chess, which would have put me as prime target audience if the subject was something more innocent like wagering candy.

The one place I particularly feel cheated is the chess game itself. It skips right to the end with a paragraph explanation of what happened. This was prime real estate to SHOW Checkmate's intelligence. She could have started on the back foot losing a few pawns to her father then realize how he was emphasizing the middle squares and start to make a comeback. She could make liberal use of her willingness to sacrifice valuable pieces to get an advantage that most would shy away from. I certaintly wouldn't want to read a play by play, but a highlight reel would work great.

All in all, when you are explaining the rules of chess and the subsequent game the story is going to be bland from the plots perspective. Knowing this you really have to sell either the characters themselves or the outside plot the chess game may represent. I really think you could make something out of the concept with a little tweaking.

>>28281594
It is a valid question.

I rarely party too, but I live with a guy who's sociable. He's kind of a douche at times. He's that kind of guy who wants to make sure everyone's drinking, and is really persistent about it. He's not an asshole by any means, he just doesn't seem to understand that some people don't like partying or socializing. He chats up everyone at gatherings, and while he doesn't make things about him, he very much enjoys being the center of attention.

>>28278478
>OPwilldeliever.jpg

>>28264423
Okay, finished the last story. I like this one more than the second one, and I think you handled this one better than your last story. They have the same overarching principle: main character has a problem with something in their possession, and solves that problem with the help of another party that needs to be won over through conversation.

I know that this story and the merchant story have different focuses, or at least intended to, but for the sake of comparison, this one worked better. You let us spend time with Anon, and learn about his situation, so we can feel invested in him, though that can be attributed back to the subject matter. Finding a home for a kid is just inherently more interesting than selling some rugs. Also, you left us with the uncertainty as to whether or not the Cakes would actually take Anon in. That's interesting, but the drama falls just a bit flat.

continued

>>28284497
Line 225. I think you could come up with better reasons for why the Cakes don't want to take Anon. From what little I've seen, and what Twilight's said, he's a perfect little angel, and to be rejected by ponies who have never shown problems with Twilight's baby dragon, or hosting a party for Rainbow's griffon friend, it's a bit of a stretch. If anything, I would expect them to turn him down simply for logistical reasons. Do they have the time or money to take in another kid? How do the needs of humans differ from the needs of ponies? And will they be able to provide those needs when they inevitably come up? Those are all unknowns for them. Yes, you can play the angle that the Cakes are worried that Anon might be a danger, but right now, it's not all that well supported.

And then there's the fact that if they can't do it, Fluttershy can just take care of Anon, so in reality, it's not that big of a deal. I never felt like it was urgent that Anon stay with the Cakes or their decision to take him to be all that important.

All in all, I think this one worked better than the second one, but it's not as strong as it could be.

Done. I was happy to read your stories, and I thought they were pretty good. I would say that the first story was the most enjoyable, mostly because of the atmosphere and imagery. To echo my very first statement before I even read your stories, you may feel like your stories aren't as "good" simply because you're growing, and trying new things in your writing, and you don't quite have the skill set to fully realize your stories.

>>28284497
>>28284559
You're a real treat.

Diplomatic battles have always been a favorite, and your comment has made me realize that has almost solely been my focus in all of my stories. Whacky Racers may be the lone exception which is more attributed to being based off of a cartoon.

A few of the things I can defend, though I have felt that around the midpoint I have trouble maintaining drama either by spreading too thin from using so many characters or finding a solution too early before the conflict has fully escalated. A sort of rush to the next scene. You have given me a lot to think about.

I will say that the chapter you read comes near the end of the rising action. Just picking anyone to potentially take Anonymous in has been a long standing struggle, with the Cakes being the absolute ideal solution, and some yellow journalism paired with the rumor mill that is Ponyville has made Anonymous a very concerning being to the ponies similar to how Zecora was originally viewed. The story has been a very slow burner, perhaps too slow looking back on it, and this is where everything starts to come together. I could have pushed the Cakes to be harder, but I felt that once the big question was answered (are the twins safe) then the rest was for the Cakes to discuss with Pinkie. I like to have a lot happen in the background around the characters that they are not immediately privy to since I believe it gives the world a sense of life, however I will freely admit it is the main culprit in writing fatigue.

Those points aside you have hit on my main concerns and have given some ideas on how to confront them. I will happily make use of these tools. It also does my heart proud to hear that you were able to enjoy the stories for the most part. I hope it did not feel too much like work.

Thank you greatly for the time and effort. If you would ever like the favor returned just let me know.

>>28285536
No problem. I'm happy to offer my thoughts on these.

>and some yellow journalism paired with the rumor mill that is Ponyville has made Anonymous a very concerning being to the ponies similar to how Zecora was originally viewed
I see. That would make more sense.

>I hope it did not feel too much like work.
Not at all, man. I wish you the best of luck with your stories, and if you have stuff in the future you'd like thoughts on, I'd be happy to do those as well.

Right now, I need to focus on school.

Also, where is little guy? I haven't seen him in a while.

Shit, I must have flown past this thread a thousand times in the last couple days. I'm still here, just haven't had much time lately, and there was a good dry spell last thread anyway.

>>28282483
Honestly, I was considering showing the chess game, but then I thought that the majority of readers would find it boring, especially after that whole thing with explaining the rules, which I only included to give some teasing info about the setting and set up the wager with Marionette. Plus I'm only an amateur player myself, so I'd have a bit of trouble with convincingly showing her as the Garry Kasparov of pony OC's.

>>28285983
Hey, good to see you. Have a good weekend? Pretty sure there are still stories that could use your feedback.

>>28286040
Understandable. I've toyed with the idea myself and backed off for the same reasons. You don't have to be a master though. Just emphasizing things like traps threatening two good pieces at once would be enough, especially given Checkmate's own inexperience.

>>28285983
So you do live.

File: too bad this doesn't have an abuse edit, 'cause then I could say she's a Nurse With Wound. Get it? Ha haaaaa, okay.png (203KB, 868x921px) Image search: [Google]

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>>28286089
>>28286277
Yeah, I had a pretty good weekend. Nothing special, but lots of fun. I'm off to bed right now, but I'll see what I can do tomorrow.

>>28286614
speedy recovery

>>28273444
>>28273249
>>28273095
>>28272529
Sorry for replying so late, but it's only because I honestly can't think of anything to say. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with everything you said, but I'm pretty much at a loss for words except for one thing. I did open a document and try to type some dialogue the way you wanted me to, but I couldn't get my brain to make the connection to make it not the way I did it before. Seems like I worry too much about what I want my audience to think/know/feel. Before now, I didn't know that giving so much length to the explanation or whatever it's called was a bad thing; I'm just really really used to it. I try to imagine myself spreading out those backstory/details about a character over time in a story, but I never really have a set plan for the things I write or the traits of my characters to an extent. I'm so sorry I didn't come back with something else for you to read. It might be hard to believe, but I really tried. I'll try again, though. Just didn't want you to think I stopped looking at this thread or anything. I don't know, I guess I pretty much don't know what I'm doing. I'll give it another shot.
Also, which other stories of mine did you read?
>>28285983
>>28286614
Oh hey! I missed you.

>>28265863
Extroverts crave interaction. They're gonna make themselves up and contact everyone they can to attend the party. Once there they will move from person to person, group to group talking, touching, dancing, playing games and anything else to get maximum exposure. They're always ready with a joke or a story or a trick to show people. A video or pictures on their phone. They don't like being ignored or marginalized. Even a little acknowledgement is enough to keep them rolling around to the next group and so forth. They dress nice and are careful to be inoffensive. They shower and shave with inoffensive scents. They keep up with trends. They feel a need to validate their existence with the tacit approval of large numbers of people. Rarely is one persons opinion valuable on its own. They want to be noticed and often try to be generically like able so that they're more likely to be brought in on other social events. If there hasn't been one they're the ones likely to try to get one going. Extreme extroverts have trouble containing that need for social approval and will go overboard trying to be interesting and can have the opposite effect. It's a problem for manic depressives especially.
What it really comes down to is a person who determines their personal social value more by the number of interaction coins people drop in their social piggy bank rather than the value of the individual coins.

>>28288325
Again

File: learning curve2.jpg (25KB, 448x308px) Image search: [Google]

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>>28287462
Good to know you are trying. I'm not surprised you got frustrated. I picked that exercise specifically because I figured it would give your problems. Remember it is just an exercise though. It does not have to be perfect. I'm not going to grade you or anything. Do it just to do it.

As a second point, take a look at this graph about the learning curve on the way to mastery. Sadly I couldn't find the one I saw longago or the really good article that went with it (the idiot also spelled apprentice wrong.) However, it does highlight the main point. After learning the basics you begin thinking this is pretty easy and that you are getting good. Then you start hitting the nuances that turn everything you learned upside down. You start questioning if you even knew anything at all and begin to see your efforts as shit even though you are improving the whole time. It takes a long time to get to the other end where you can see yourself as competent again. It is a very humbling experience and why people say we never stop learning.

From what I have seen you are about to go down this path. I know several of us who have been there and mention this as a way to encourage you to keep trying. It is a long road, but it is a rewarding one.

As for your other stories that you read I can't exactly remember. I skimmed several of them and paid the most attention to your latest (Trixie Self-Insert) to see how you changed.

>>28283577
>>28287630
Thanks.

>>28291700
No problem.

Bump before bed.

>>28293309
Bump after waking up.

Is there anyone here needing a story looked at? From what I can tell, everything that got posted has been addressed.

>>28294466
If no one else is in line I'd appreciate some more critique of what I've added to my story so far.

http://pastebin.com/7GVkWvnW

Good morning, thread.

>>28295540

post a thesaurus

>>28289439
So I wrote this for the exercise. Ignore the thing called "Fast and upset" in my pastebin, that's completely unrelated to any of this.
http://pastebin.com/sGBpztrc
I apologize in advance if it seems really passive-aggressive or something. Please don't take it the wrong way, it started off close to what I think you wanted, but my feelings got a little too real during the hour or so I typed this. I just had some kind of an emotional breakdown. I don't handle frustration well at all. I'm a very, very complicated individual.
If you want me to type one that's less like this, I don't blame you. I'm feeling really nervous hitting the submit button right now.

Save

Page 10 bump and incoming green.

Why is this place so much less active than the draw thread despite there being way more writefags on this board than drawfags.

>>28301727

Good question. For myself, I tend to not post often without having something meaningful to say. I think that's a common feeling in this thread since there is usually a split between long response posts and "bump"s.

Also, I don't think a lot of writefags wander out of their own generals typically.

>>28301727
I dunno. I post in both.

I will see you guys in the morning.

>>28299869
Wow, you went whole ham on this one. Didn't expect you do to 2000ish words of dialogue. Impressive. And I did laugh at the metaness of the ending. Not sure that is what you intended, but I enjoyed the cheekiness.

Okay, so, you + dialogue. It starts out okay, you have the basics and you know better than to have hey said she said every line. This is something I specifically wanted to see how you handled because the exact opposite happened in the story you were demoralized by. Bookish Delight wrote an identifier EVERY SPOKEN SENTENCE, either using a tone comment or an action. No one was allowed to just talk, and that personally drove me nuts. I was glad to see you have a decent grasp of when to throw in an identifier. Now you just need to tone down how often the characters say each other's name.

However, there is a lot of doubling back. Twilight and Trixie say they'll move the conversation then end up right back at square one. From this example and the previous stories it very much comes off that you have difficulty getting scenes to play out how you want causing you to make several attempts. This feels like the basis of the redundancy problem I mentioned in the review. Once you find a way to build a scene that you are happy with in the first pass you will be able to cover so much more. Yes, we're never truly happy with our sentences, but so long as they are 'good enough'. We can always tweak them later.

This is not the easiest thing to do. It won't happen over night and I can guarantee you will get frustrated. Still, I think you can do it and would like to reiterate the dip in the learning curve. You forever keep improving so long as you try no matter how the immediate results feel.

My first suggestion would be to try longer sentences. Describe everything you want for a scene in a sentence until you feel you have covered everything. Make it the longest run on sentence you want. Then trim away at it.

>>28302367
Remove common words, rewrite parts that feel off, add more if it doesn't capture what you want, and then break it into smaller sentences.

Other than that, whenever you read something that really puts you in the scene or you are so immersed you don't notice the time passing, stop yourself and reread those parts. Analyze them, and flat out steal them. It's okay to steal bits and bobs, even characters wholesale and then give them a different skin; hell we all steal the main cast. Use those examples for your own purposes and eventually the things that made them work so well will just grow on you naturally.

Now you may notice there's not much feedback on the story I asked you to write. Like I said, it was just an exercise I asked specifically because I figured it would give you a hard time. I didn't want to analyze a part of your writing that I thought was weak, I wanted to analyze you as a writer. I wanted to see how you would handle a different style, what you would change, what rules you would break, and most importantly I wanted to see if you would simply give up. I think you found the answer to those questions.

>>28296185
Sure thing. Did you only add, or did you make revisions to what you already had as well?

>>28261933

>Your mind was racing.
>Though Fluttershy's stalking had put you more and more on edge, this indescribable feeling you were having right now...
>Well, it was indescribable.
>Fuck.
>It's all happening so fast.
“Can't we talk about this?”
>She cocks her head, “What's there to talk about?”
“I don't know if I'm ready for this.”
>Is that right?
>If you were being this indecisive in your own head, probably.
>“You don't have to worry about anything A-Anon,” Fluttershy smiles down at you. “I have love to care for us and our beautiful baby foals!”
>Alarms start going off in head.
“Baby foals?”
>You start hyperventilating.
>“Let's get started making them right away~!” she implored.
“Fluttershy, I barely know you... We can't have kids yet... That's insane.”
>Her expression becomes crushed.
>“B-but having babies with somepony I love is all I've ever wanted,” she cries. “And the only somepony I've ever felt this way for... I've ever loved is you.”
>U-unf.
>What a mess.
>Just calm down Anon, you can make this work.
“I... Let's just take this slow, okay?”
>“Slow?”
“Yeah, slow.”
>“What does that mean though?”
“You know, like... Do you want to have some breakfast with me?”
>“Oh, Anon.”
>Tears start to form in Fluttershy's eyes.
>“I'd love to have breakfast with you.”
>She gets off of you and bashfully looks away.
>Maybe she's embarrassed.
>You're pretty embarrassed yourself.
>This situation was more real than you had expected.

>>28302633

>Not a single word is spoken as you take eggs out of your magic fridge.
>You hesitate though, glancing back at Fluttershy.
>Ponies don't eat eggs, right?
>Perhaps today is an oatmeal kind of day.
>As you leave the water to boil, you start placing additives on the table.
>Not only does it make this meager breakfast look like a spread but it also meant you didn't have guess what Fluttershy wanted.
>You stare at her and make eye contact for a moment.
>Her face becomes flush and she turns away.
“Come on Fluttershy, you don't have to sit over there.”
>You pull out a chair and beckon her over.
>She doesn't move.
“What's up Fluttershy?”
>”It's just so... normal feeling.”
“Well, how else would we start a normal relationship without doing normal stuff?”
>She doesn't answer and looks only more dejected.
>It's okay, she'll come around at some point.
>You head back to kitchen add oats to the boiling water.
>The sound of a chair gets your attention.
>Fluttershy is sitting in the chair you had offered her.
>“S-so, what now?”
“Well, now we talk.”
>“What should we talk about?”
“I don't know Fluttershy. This is just as awkward for me as it is for you.”
>She breaks eye contact and looks at the floor.
>Damn it, you hadn't meant to snap at her.
>Where had that even come from?
>Fuck, this whole thing was weird.
>You can't help but sigh as you pour the oatmeal into two bowls.
>Placing the bowls down on the table, you can't help but sigh.
“I'm sorry for snapping there. I never expected it to play out like this.”
>“It's okay Anon, I could never stay mad at for something like that.”
>You can't help but think about Joker and Harley Quinn.
“Fluttershy, have you ever been in a romantic relationship?”
>“N-no...”
>You start adding some of the filler ingredients to your oatmeal.
>How could you let it be so awkward.
>Why couldn't you make it more natural.
>What do you even say to her?

Page 9 bump.

>>28303256

Any feedback would be nice. I sort of have an end goal in mind but desperately need to develop this relationship. I'm a bit stuck at the moment.

Anyone know of any good Flutterdate I could read?

Page 9 bump before bed.

>>28303992
And again

>>28304681
And yet again

Bam

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>>28305537
I'm not a green machine, Anon.

page 10

>>28307571
Become one.

>>28303274
I don't know any stories to recommend for you, but I bet someone here probably does. I can look at what you've written, though. Is it just those three posts, or is there more?

>>28310287

It's just these three posts. I'm not sure how deep of a critique you could give on it since there isn't much but I appreciate any tips and criticisms you might have. In terms of getting critique, would it be better to post entire stories or would finishing the current scene be sufficient?

>>28310431
I prefer entire stories, because I don't have to assume or wonder anything about how the story is going to progress. I get a complete idea of what the story is trying to do, and that lets me be more accurate with my own advice.

I can work with the single scene, but, as you said, there won't be as deep a critique. What has you stuck?

>>28310523
At that moment, I wasn't sure what kind of questions they might naturally ask each other but I feel like I have a better idea of how I want to handle this scene.

I suppose it'd be best for me to post a paste once I finish this oneshot. I'll keep posting my progress for the sake of free bumps.

>>28311161
in the morning?

>>28302503
I made one major revision, but I haven't had time yet to go over it more than that. It's been a really busy couple of weeks.

>>28313031
This.

>>28278478
Come on, man. We need you

>>28310711
Okay, cool. I'll be ready when you are.

>>28312507
I'll reread the whole thing, to be safe. I'll have a critique up on Monday, after I've dried out.

So I wrote this thing in about a couple hours. It's a first draft, so it's probably shit. Can I get some feedback, specifically on the style and prose? I'm writing this for a contest. I'd like to win and not embarrass myself.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X33k8867VVWJ51LAhzEsYk3uXRUV3NvWGhuloNt23HI/edit?usp=sharing

Safety bump

>>28318164
ditto

>>28318604

>>28317283
I skimmed through it, your prose and style are perfectly fine.

Digits.

>>28302367
>Didn't expect you do to 2000ish words of dialogue.
I kind of can't help it sometimes. At least when it comes to writing greentext.
>And I did laugh at the metaness of the ending. Not sure that is what you intended, but I enjoyed the cheekiness.
Well that's a relief.
>It very much comes off that you have difficulty getting scenes to play out how you want causing you to make several attempts.
I honestly didn't even know how true this was about me until you pointed it out.

Also thanks for the advice. Sorry for replying so late. I'll take everything you said into account.
I have one question, though. For dialogue, if you don't want me using identifiers very often, what am I supposed to do if there are three or more people talking and there's nothing I can put into their words that makes it clear who's talking? This has always been a thought that has bothered me.
>>28302457
Lastly, I do have to admit that I have a LOT of trouble reading. And by reading, I mean reading anything that's over 50 words. Hell, it takes me like 20 minutes to go through this feedback, but I still read all of it. I've actually never read an entire book before. Not even half of one. There were like two books where I got into the action scenes in the first 1/3 or so of the book (after skipping the beginning), but then completely tuned out and never picked up the damn thing again to this day. Never even found out how the stories ended; basically just read like 2 or 3 chapters out of the 12 or so total chapters and then just stopped because I lost all interest/motivation and couldn't focus on the book. Never finished a book in my entire life.
How do I make myself a better reader?

>>28321311
Never finished reading a story? The hell? That's a first I've heard that. What about online stories? Have you always stopped short on those as well? What about plot driven video games? Do those hold your attention longer?

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>>28321625
The one I linked in this thread (the one that demotivated me) is the only full-length story I've actually read all the way through, with the exception of a creepypasta story called Psychosis I had read years ago. As for the one I read this year, it took me over 8 hours to really read it. And I don't really play video games. Very rarely if I do. My attention span is absolute shit for like 90% of the time and almost all things. Except for like two or three things I obsess over. Writing greentext literally every day and pretty much anything to do with historical geopolitical maps. The third was making audio recordings on Audacity, but that one kind of plateaued to an extent about two years ago. I've been down to two ever since. Makes me wonder which one will be the winner. I've written over half a million words of greentext since winter 2014/ spring 2015 and generated over 50GB of geopolitical map stuff in that same time span. Everything else I've ever done since then has fallen flat, except for a little bit of occasional music and drawing.

TL;DR, my brain is weird.

>>28322167
Can you read your own work or do you have the same problem even then?

Frankly this sounds like something way out of my league. If you're writing so much then just keep doing it and experiment.

>>28322327
Heh, nope. Same problem. It's a really weird feeling when I try to read something really long I typed, and I barely get past three lines before giving up. But still, I have been experimenting, but also searching for advice on how to improve, like how I did here. I guess I could try another longer exercise if anyone here would be willing to look over it.

>>28321077
dang

>>28323019
And again

>>28322342
>>28321311
Just realized I never answered your question about multiple character dialogue. Rather than just go into a lecture let's try some examples first.

"Books books books, it's always about me and books. Everyone treats me like a huge nerd. Maybe I want to go out to the club every once in a while."
"But you are a nerd, dear."
"You in a club? Now that's something I GOTTA see."

Without saying anything you can probably guess who is who. The first is Twilight who is identified by the subject matter in her sentence. The second is Rarity who is identified by her word choice (change dear to darling to make it even more obvious.) The third is the real toss up. It could be Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie. The subject matter and the word choice works for both, but the idea is for the sentence to lean towards Rainbow Dash, and the strongest hint is 'GOTTA'. Remember that grit we talked about earlier? This is that grit. Rainbow Dash is the 'cool kid' archetype who will readily use slang. Pinkie also speaks in buzzwords and improper English, but if something crazy, energetic or mocking is ever spoken plainly you can bet it's Pinkie Pie.

Another method is what I like to call Ring Around the Rosie. Round Robin be a better description but given the subject material (ponies) I like the first better. In this version you create an order and stick with that order.

>Applejack, Fluttershy and Spike walk down the street
"Now I gotta plan on how to get back at Rainbow Dash, but I need yer help."
"Y-your not planning anything that might hurt her, are you?"
"You know, Twilight says revenge never solved anything."
"Shoot no. We ain't gonna hurt her. She just needs a taste of her own medicine, and ya'll can't tell me you don't want to see her get what's coming to her."
"Heavens no! I would never...well maybe a little."
"You can count me in. Twilight's always been kind of a hypocrite anyway."

>>28324992
The problem with the second method is if it goes for too long it becomes dull. You will have to mix it up and every time you do you will need to reestablish the new order. Never use this method when wanting to give exposition. Try to keep it in 'getting to know the groups dynamic' scenes.

Similarly you can have one or two characters dominate the conversation with the others occasionally pitching in. You will still have a good amount of he said/ she said, but it will be limited somewhat. Other than that do what feels natural. There is no reason not to throw in an identifier or a reaction every few sentences; in fact it is important that you do, especially from the non-talkative ones. Never forget to mention anybody even if it is grandma sleeping in the chair.

Don't you die on me

>>28328118
It's an episode day

>>28329844
thanks