>tfw no qt guardpony to cuddle

>>28043855
>"Sir, may I kindly request that you refrain from, er... 'cuddling' me? I'm supposed to be at my post."

>>28043902
>Cuddle mare
>She can't do anything about it or move from her post
>Progressively do lewder and lewder things to her

This expands the erection

>>28043855
My dream is to fuck a guardsmare in some closet while she's on duty.

Why the fuck are they so useless. Are the royal guard literally just for show or picked because of their harem material?

>>28043855
>Lewd moment
>"Please keep the armor on"

>>28043919
Armed guards WILL attack you if you bother them at their posts. See the relatively recent incident in Britain where some Ching Chong got his ass whipped.

>>28044179
>Banging the cute guardsmare while she's still in uniform, and her telling you to be careful not to get any semen on it.
That's my fetish.

>>28044205
STAND BACK FRUM THA QUEENS GAHHD

>>28044224
Now I want to see a guardspony scream this to Rainbow Dash.

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>You are Guardsmare Sparkling Spear.
>It was going to be a great day, until you drew the short straw.
>Now you're on Anon duty. You'd be safer making bargains with the Discord. Before he reformed too.
>With any luck you'll get a code black. The best color there is when Anon is involved.
>Named for how he shuts all the curtains shrouding his room in utter darkness, then sleeping most of the day.
>The alternative being code green, when the green menace causes trouble both chaotic and lewd.
>Summoning up your courage you push open his door, hoping against hope for that sweet code black.
>Gasping loudly at the sight of the empty, well lit room you begin to panic.
>Oh sweet Celestia. Code green. CODE GREEN.
>"IMPERATOR!"
>You nearly jump out of your fur as Anon's voice booms out behind you.
>"TRIARII!"
>You have no idea what language he's speaking but he's dressed in a human scale version of guard armor, with spear and shield twice your size.
>This screams Code Green but you're too shocked to move.
>Taking of advantage of your defenceless state, Anon shoulders his shield before hooking his arm under you.
>He picks you up, holding you close to his chest and setting off down the hall.
>"EQUUM NOS. QUIA GLORIA ROMAE."
>You can smell the sweat of his body under all that armor.
>This is too lewd.

Today I played Rome: Total War.

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I found this in my folder

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>>28044280
>Anon the royal guardsman and Celestia's bodyguard
>Anon the Night Watch guardsman and Luna's personal vidiya nemesis

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>>28044593
>Implying Night Guard are not guarding Royality

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>>28043855

There was this fic I read onetime about someone at canterlot castle sucking off a guard to see if he would move from his post, anyone have it? I can't find it.

>>28044671
It's best to keep the princess of the night occupied so she wouldn't try to pull off the eternal night thing again.
The only creature whose power level matches to that of Luna is our humble Anon.

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>>28044765
It sounded like you made Luna less royal than her sister by only calling Sunbutt guards "royal"

>>28044280
>Today I played Rome: Total War.
My negro

>>28044205
Probably because they have learned that distracting wards to do background shit is an actual issue.

>>28044773
>Sunbutt
I BEG YOUR PARDON

Oh man, it's been a while since the last guardpone thread. I miss the iteration with Anon as an ambassador with Celestia's permission to enjoy Equestria's finest, there was some seriously good green in that one.

>>28045004
I miss the Shining armor and cadence husband anon threads.

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>>28044898

>>28043855
That's because the royal guard's true purpose is to be Celestia's male harem.

She's not a lesbo, so she's not going to hire female guards.

>>28044699
Don't give my perverted mind ideas. Dont want a boner... again...

>>28043855
she looks so small and adorable

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>>28043855
How about a nice, canned Princess?

If for some reason you became captain of the guard or a similar position, what would you do to the Royal Guard?

>>28045465
Play Chess with them as the pieces.

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>>28043855
I know what you are trying to do...

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>>28045465
Re-evaluate the usefulness of a spear as a main weapon for hoofed creatures

>>28045465
Require all female officers to wear tiny miniskirts

>>28045506
What weapon are you suggesting then? Hoofblades?

>>28045471
That sounds like a good pic. Shining and Discord playing a life-size game of chess using the royal gaurds.

>>28045521
Anything that can be used with one limb, preferably not a thrusting one at that.

>>28045471
>Celestia and Luna playing chess with their guards as pieces
I legit want to see such a picture.
>Anon just sits nearby watching the game
>one of the guards glares at him for giving princesses the idea
>rest of guards though seem pretty content
>figures out of play arranged a little picnic
>Twiggles runs back and forth, calculating the perfect strategy and giving advises on moves which Celestia ignores for the most part

>>28045563
>Twiggles runs back and forth, calculating the perfect strategy and giving advises on moves which Celestia ignores for the most part

That sounds ultra qt

>>28045521
Horses are really good at running, so weapons designed for them should focus on that strength.

>>28045521
How about a tail whip or tail flail?

>>28045597
Maybe for a secondary weapon. For primary ones, though, I thought of lances or shoulder blades.

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>”This is highly unorthodox, sir.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet it is.”
>The young mare shuffles awkwardly in your arms as you hug her from behind.
>Her heavy armor that she insists wearing at all times rubs against your chest.
>The bed creaks beneath you from the movement.
>”I can’t confirm it, sir, but I guarantee that this is against protocol, somehow.”
“How so? If anything, I think we’ve stumbled onto a major breakthrough in personal guard tactics.”
>She grunts in annoyance.
>”I sincerely doubt this will change anything. Nopony will ever know about this, sir.”
“So, I shouldn’t expect this to be in your report then?”
>”What report, sir?”
>Cheeky.
>You smirk as your hand begins to rub circles into her soft, white undercoat.
>She tilts her head back slightly and lets out a low, almost inaudible sigh.
>You get a face full of gold helmet, but continue the belly rub nonetheless.
>Despite being a royal guard, an elite, highly trained warrior with boundless, unbreaking discipline, you swear you can feel this cute little pony trembling under your grip.
>God help you if you started scratching her ears.
>After a few more moments of rubbing, she whispers.
>”You know I can break your arm anytime I want, sir?”
“And yet, it keeps on rubbing…”
>She stays silent after that.
>With your other arm, you pull the mare into a tighter embrace.
“I really don’t thank you enough for putting up with my nonsense, do I?”
>She wiggles herself deeper into your hug.
>Another sigh comes from your elite bodyguard.
>”No, sir. No you do not.”

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>>28045667
That's pretty cute anon.

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>>28045667

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maidpones and gaurdpones

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>>28045938
oops wrong one

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>>28045938
That's still good, great way to un-edge a shitty prompt

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>>28045974
That thread was fun.

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>>28045984
All the people were tryharding with op legendaries and serious cards when I was all like picrelated

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>>28046018
I was one of the serious card guys. But I appreciated all the silly ones.

Oh boy, I'm watching this thread.

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>>28046029
Granted I did make 1 card with an actual effect. Shame on me

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>>28046053
>a cute
I chuckled.

>>28045004
Gotcha, friend.

http://pastebin.com/u/grenadierapple

"Sir, Yes, Sir!" and "Anon pointedly does not have sex with a guard."

>>28044699
>28044699
>>28044699
>28044699
>>28044699

Oh man, I NEED THIS.

DOES ANYONE HAVE IT?

This is my fetish.

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Not many female guard pics.

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>>28046319
That's because there aren't many instances of mare guards in the fandom, let alone the damn show.

>Country is a matriatrchy
>Majority of important ponies are mares
>No gender bias in physical work fields, see Rock Farm or Apples
>Guards are purely male

I call either a medieval tradition, or bullshit

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>>28046374
Guardpones as a whole seem unpopulair to draw.
And I guess that people tend to draw them male.

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>>28046450
To properly draw armour would take some effort, even as ridiculously simplified and ornamental one as the Royal Guard are wearing. So I guess people don't try.

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>>28046073
I like what I'm reading, but I'm going to be autistic for a second

>the armor for pegasi is of course necessarily lighter, so most of them wear chainmail rather than plate
>chainmail
>lighter than plate
>mfw

>Be Anon
>Decide armored mares are cuter, and that you want a royal guard gf
>Luckily, Twilight's royal guard is almost exclusively mares
>Realize you are autistic
>Realize talking to regular ponies makes you nervous, much less super cute guard mares
>Go back home and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling
>You never stood a chance anyways

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>>28046657

>>28046073

Wow, someone remembered this? Neat. Maybe I should do a continuation or something else now that I'm not up to my eyeballs in work.

>>28046596

I remember being chastised on this when I first wrote it, but chainmail is (as I was informed) pretty much inferior to plate in every aspect, except the part I care about, which is that I think plate armor looks clunky and dumb on pegasi. So, please pretend that it's magically-enchanted or something? I guess I should write in a line or two about that, since it's the second time I've been called on it now...

Anyway, if I hypothetically were to write for the thread, any suggestions beyond "guard pone"?

>>28047148
Isn't plate not way more heavy then mail?
Makes sense to keep pegasi light and agile.

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>>28047148
How about trying to take guard pone gf on a date but she keeps spying for potential hostilities and problems.

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>>28045512
My nigga.

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>>28047148
>Chainmail
>Looking better than plate
>mfw
If you want them to fly, then any armour is going to be clunky. I might be biased, but for me there is nothing clunkier than chainmail - heavy, bulky, affected by gravity and resting entirely on your shoulders. If you don't want to use leather armour then I suppose a best bet is small affixed segment in front/on the withers, and a fauld-like (metal strips that overlap in a way that allows vertical bending) construction elsewhere. Or you could not care and make the 2 autists that care live with it.

Also are you seriously returning from a 2 year exile or is this a prank?

>>28047242
It isn't. Tl;dr is that mail does not use the metal space-efficiently, having the same spot covered by multiple rings. A plate of correct shape is simply the best solution if you can fit it.

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>>28047148
>Anyway, if I hypothetically were to write for the thread, any suggestions beyond "guard pone"?
>Thread is literally about guardponies

>>28047148
>any suggestions beyond "guard pone"?
Cuddling?

>>28047325
Yeah, I had unfortunate real-life bullshit to attend to, but I'm making a concerted effort to be around more often now.

>>28047345
sorry, I meant "in addition to them being guards, since that's implied by the fact that it's a guardpone thread." So, things like >>28047281
(and wow it's been a while since I've seen Stardust, lost that pic of her in the Great Purge of '15).

I'll get to work on something and try to have at least a few posts' worth by the end of tonight.

>>28043855
How come we never seen a female guard? We better get one for the movie.

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>>28047486
If you want a more specific prompt I can cook something up, I'm better at coming up with stories then I am with not abandoning them half way through. I don't think you're into longer stories, judging the conclusion of your pastebin. Not sure how much further Stardust could be taken, since they all fugd and it was glorious, so what more do you need (oh I wouldn't mind more).

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>>28046596
People don't know shit about armor, I guess.

And any leather armor would have, uh, problems in pony society.

>>28047148
Hell yeah I remember it. Both are damn good bits of green, though for different reasons (worldbuilding/feels vs plain unf).

>Ideas for green
If going for just plain lewds, on-duty teasing and/or pleasuring while Stardust desperately tries to keep quiet is always a good one. Or the revenge afterward.
If going for more story/world-like stuff like you did in "pointedly"... hrm. That's a bit of a tougher one. Maybe Northern Light commiserating with Anon after a rougher experience in her duties?

>that pic of her
Wait, there are other pictures of Stardust?

>>28047594
>>Ideas
In the Stardust storyline there should also be a revenge motif on the Royal Buttsisters, don't forget that. The Northern Lights is more promising for a full, longer story, with (i.e) Anon going for that other guardmare, trying to get it on while Northern Lights grows jealous.

>Captcha spaghetti demands

>>28046596
But it is. You literally were mail under plate. Plate wasn't all that heavy, but fuck no it isn't lighter
>>28047325
everything you said is completely wrong and I assume you're knowledge is purely derived from indian shit. Read or watch capwell, then come back.

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>>28047691
I never was mailed under any plates, you must be mistaken sir.

Also point me to one instance of Royal Guard wearing a chainmail in the show.

Oh and google "armour in 13 century", followed by "Milanese/Gothic plate armour".

And while we're at it, don't forget to go fuck yourself you dipshit

>>28046657
>Go back home and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling
Not me. I would take creepshots of the guardmares' butts and jack off to them all night.

>>28047782
>The Royal Guard grew weary of the new threat, and all mares now wear plated buttpiece

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>Guard pone thread
>"Armoured mares" returns no hits

Shame on you. https://youtu.be/kTGhPRYrpIE

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>>28046596
>>28047325
>>28047691
>>28047720

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>>28047928
The entire cross demographics of /his/ and /mlp/.

So yeah, only me.

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>>28044699

>>28044280
>Rome: Total War
Good times, good times...

If I were in Equestria, I would look for the guardsmare's locker room and be the biggest peeping tom pervert there is.

>>28046657
>The guardsmare stands tall as she walks down the street, easily giving her an inch or two on most others.
>Stalwart, you think her name was.
>This particular one had caught your eye a while back, though you never worked up the guts to say something to her.
>You'd thought she'd just laugh you off on account of your small demeanor.
>You envy the size of other stallions, both in girth and height.
>You pause your thoughts, did she just look at you?
>You swear, even if it was only for a measely moment, her eyes glazed over you.
>Anyways, now you think it'd different.
>You'd figured that it'd be better to try, fail, and THEN be mopey and bitter.
>Your thoughts are once more interrupted, you caught yourself staring again.
>And now you see she's at an outdoor restaurant, sitting alone.
>Now's better than ever, you suppose.
Continue?

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>”Sister! Sister! Wake up!”
>You are Princess Celestia
>With a loud snort you awake and pull your head up from your pillow, a wad of your normally immaculate mane sticking to a patch of drool on your cheek
>Your sister stands above you, smirking at the sight of you before composing herself
>”I received word last night of a most concerning incident near the borders of Ponyville”
>You groan
>Ponyville again?
“What was it, Luna?” you ask, yawning loudly
>”It seems a manticore has appeared from the Everfree and is terrorising the inhabitants of the town”
>You drag a hoof down your face
>It was too early for this
>”I sense you distress sister, but worry not, I’ve dealt with the problem myself”
>She claps her hooves together and smiles
>It wasn’t often that she got to exercise such authority on her own
”That’s nice” you mumble, breathing a sigh of relief before rolling over and placing your head back onto your pillow “I’m sure Princess Twilight and her friends will be able to handle things”
>”Princess Twilight? Oh no sister. I’ve mobilized your guard for this task. Time to show ponies the might of the Guard again, eh?”
>Your heart wrenches and you pull yourself up in an instant and stare incredulously at the proud Luna
“T-The Royal Guard?” you repeat
>”But of course, sister” she chirps “I felt they could handle the task on their own”
>”Just think” she beams, spreading her hoof through the air dramatically “The first time the Guard has been mustered in centuries”
>Turning around she waves a hoof towards you
>”Come! The Procession Ceremony is about to begin”
>Before you can protest your sister darts out of your room and towards the balcony

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>>28047720
>pretending to not know what mail is
>bringing up the show for no reason
>telling me to google something when you don't even know what you're talking about
Take your own advice and google 13th century depictions of mail. It has a belt to distribute the weight. Shitty indian crap is poorly distributed and weighs more. Milanese and gothic both had mail worn underneath as well as cloth.

Pic related, belt on all of them

You must be from /tg/, you faggots never know shit. Go read some capwell before you talk

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gYpFtVQlgLc
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=COAIQPsgZWY

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>>28048220
>You move in a flurry, putting on your royal regalia, brushing your teeth and neatening out your matted mane and fur as best you could
>You were an idiot
>You should have told Luna that the palace guard had… degraded somewhat over the centuries
>They were no longer the elite fighting force they once were
>Now they served a more ceremonial purpose and were chosen based on a variety of non combat related abilities
>Mostly their ability to look intimidating, follow orders and act
>In fact, many of your guard went on to enjoy successful stage careers after years in your service
>It was a good system, as long as they never actually had to do any fighting
>Gulping, you calm yourself as best you can and step out onto the balcony overlooking Canterlot
>The crowd’s cheers reach deafening proportions as they notice you and you wave nervously at them
>All of Canterlot had turned out it seemed
>The Sending of the Guard was a ceremony known only through story books, no pony alive had actually seen one performed until today
>And nopony was about to miss it either
>You take a seat next to Luna, who was eagerly punching the air – excited to show off the martial prowess of Equestria – and hope that everything would be okay

>You are Captain Sunny Sides
"Gee, sure are a lot of ponies out there for a rehearsal" you wonder to yourself, peeking out from the barracks door
>Still, it was probably just another training exercise
>Sure there were a lot of ponies out there
>And it was the Sending of the Guard ceremony you were to conduct
>And it was Princess Luna and not Celestia who had mustered you all
>But you were confident it was all just another test of your acting talent
>You were going to make it to Broadway one day, damnit!
>You shake your head before slapping on your royal guard character
"Royal Guard, at the trot, march!" you bellow to your subordinates and stiffly lead the procession to their designated point

>>28048114
Absolutely, on the sole condition it doesn't turn into NTR

>>28048261
Not that guy, but can we just not? How about we just talk about pones hand-picked by a princess for their physique to stand around in armor looking pretty?

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>>28047960
>implying

>>28048293
Fine with me, but don't be spreading bullshit.

>>28048114
Yea

>>28048286
moar pls

i'm going to guess that a ton of spaghetti is going to be spilled...

>>28048114
>After a quick mental bout with yourself, you get moving.
>Here you go. One hoof after the other.
>You avoid looking directly at her, instead surveying the menu of the restaurant.
>Still though, you swear you see her shoot you a few glances.
>Just keep walking...
>A moment later and you're there.
>Your courage, however, stayed back.
>And like that, you found yourself standing in line. Maybe being mopey without trying isn't so bad!
>"You."
>Your heart drops, bringing your tongue with it.
>"With the green coat in line."
>No thoughts, you're frozen in place.
>"Come here, please."
>At this point, your cheeks are flush, and ponies are staring.
>Welp, best start your waltz towards the table.
>Her helmet was off, sitting on the table, as was her foreleg. The other, her left one, was hanging at her side.
>"Relax, little, you're not in trouble. Take a seat."
>>28048293
>NTR
Nah, but probably RGR.

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>>28048286
>"Sister, may I read the guard their charge?" Luna whispers to you, like a child asking their parent for another sweet
"Hmm? Oh yes, yes, of course sister" you smile, grateful that she had offered
>It had been so long since you'd conducted one of these ceremonies, you could hardly remember what to do anymore
>You were relieved at least one of you did
>Squeeing slightly, Luna approaches the edge of the balcony and turns toward the assembled guard
>She coughs daintily before composing herself
>"Royal Guard of Equestria!" she bellows and all the ponies present shrink back
>"A manticore has been spotted near the outskirts of Ponyville, you are to find the creature and extinguish this threat to we good ponies!"
>Okay, so far so good
>"Some of you may die" she continues and you choke back a groan "But Equestria shall live on and you in our memories!"
>Her voice rises further in pitch and she works herself into a frenzy
>"Go now! Now! I bid thee go! Death to the enemies of Equestria! If need be, death to the Guard. For the Guard dies but it does not surrender!"
>Her voice dies off and is met by silence
>You sigh, she'd come on too strong. Ponies just weren't as aggressive as they used to be
>You reach forward to place a comforting hoof on her shoulder before a deafening cheer arises from the crowd
"Oh you've got to be kidding me" you think, shrinking back in shock
>"Crude, but endearing" grins one noble to another
>"Quite" the other replies
>The Princess of the Night pants heavily before returning to her seat beside you, smiling proudly
>You smile back at her briefly before quickly turning towards the Guard themselves
>Their looks of alarm are apparent even through the cacophony of activity around them
>It had begun to dawn on them
>Maybe this wasn't a rehearsal after all

>>28048545
>Her head was canted, and her golden eyes looked on curiously at yours.
>You fiddled with your hooves as you finally took your seat, trying not to look Stalwart in the eyes.
>She motions at you with a hoof, grabbing your attention by its tail. "Hey, I saw how you were looking at me."
>You look towards her, and your eyes blink out an audible, 'huh?'.
>She tilts her head in the other direction, seemingly acknowledging your response. "Don't worry!" She reassures, "I'm not angry at you. I know how some ponies get when they see somepony they may like."
>Your cheeks remain flushed, and that comment didn't help you any in that regard.
>Now she pushes her helmet a bit to the side. "So, how long've you been 'miring me, little? What's your name?"
>It's time to drag your tongue back out of your throat. You chock up a bit when first trying to talk, but clear your throat and manage to get your words out. "Its uh, its been a while. A few months, I think?"
>Blinking, you come to another realization, "Wait, have you seen me before?"
>Your suspicions are confirmed by a nod, and a quick, 'Tons'.
>Everything's spinning, you feel dizzy. You should've stayed in today.
>Stalwart jumps up, slamming her hip against the table and a hoof down on it.
>You can feel yourself leaning against something warm.
>A short glance down reveals to you that she'd caught you. And now she's pushing you back up.
>"Hey, don't pass out on me!" She commands, only half-joking. "I don't even know your name yet."
"Anon...My name is Anon."
>As you beat yourself over your excessive awkwardness, she only giggles and gives you a quick pat on the shoulder. "Well, Anon, I'd love to stay and chat, but my break's almost up. See you by the castle at sundown?"
>You nod.
>"Right, hope to see you then!"
>She's gone. You did it.
>You stumble out of your seat, and trot back home.
>You actually did it!
>This isn't a downtrodden walk, nope, you're ecstatic! Excited!

So, it's a start. I'll try to get into the meat of this tomorrow.

>you stand, sweating slightly, before the throne of Equestria's rulers
>barely daring to even breathe, much less move, lest you draw the ire of the kingdom's most fearful Princess
>the fierceness of her gaze makes you wish the guard had a spare set of minotaur-armor you could try to squeeze into
>instead, all that stands between her hooves and your still-beating heart are a few thin layers of (admittedly dapper) cloth
>Luna lets out a sigh of disdain
>"...Fine."
>you blink a few times, not daring to believe your ears
"You-- seriously?"
>she scowls at you
>"I can find no reason to deny your request, or hers, so yes... 'seriously'."
>she mutters something that sounds an awful lot like 'believe me I looked' under her breath
"Thank you, Princess!"
>you give a bow that almost brushes the floor and move quickly to excuse yourself
>"But if I hear of any untoward behavior, Anonymous, so much as a whisper that you've impugned the honor of the Royal Guard..."
>she lets the threat hang ominously, her wings folding behind her restlessly
>you nod a single time in understanding, not breaking eye contact with her as you back out through the thick oaken doors
>and then finally
>FINALLY
>you're out of the throne room, and her line of sight
>fuck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>you do a fistpump that very nearly KO's a guard, he was standing so close
>Bulwark gives you a huge grin that completely fails to hide how he was listening intently on the other side of the door
"Oh my god I can't believe she said yes."
>"I know, si-- dude!"
>the brown stallion corrects himself quickly, and you give each other high-appendages as he walks you toward your room
>"So, what's the plan?"
>you give him a good-natured slap on the back, realizing exactly as your palm strikes metal that that was a poor choice
>you shake your hand from the sting, and let out a giddy chuckle
"Well, I'm going to go grab a quick shower, and on the way I'll grab--"

>>28049308
>you round the corner and see a familiar cream-colored mare sitting stone-still next to your door
"Stardust?"
>she salutes smartly, staring straight ahead and at sharp attention
>"Sir!"
>your previous excitement abates a bit as you can see that she's still in her uniform
>did she not think Luna would give her approval for your little field trip?
"Hey, you ready for tonight? I just got back from talking to Luna, and she gave me the go-ahead for our excursion..."
>the mare's lip gives a small twitch as she nods curtly
>"Sir, at your convenience, I will accompany you into town, then. Due to the nature of your actions, I will be acting as your security detail."
>she turns her gaze to you at last, one eyebrow quirking slightly
>"Will there be anything else?"
>you raise one hand, your mind already miles ahead of your body as you imagine her coat soaked in shower water, wet mane drooping--
>she blinks once, eyes shifting down the hall you just came from
>hrm
>you look over your shoulder and notice an almost conspicuous lack of other ponies, be they guards or maids or butlers or simply visiting officials
>even more noticeable though is the utter silence
>usually the rhythmic clopping of hooffalls is as commonplace in the castle as birdsong is in a forest, but now you could hear a pin drop
>disappointed but now fully aware, you rescind your unasked invitation for her to join you for 'covert ops'
"No, I guess not. I'll be ready in 20."
>her eyes snap back to attention position, and you step past her, opening the door to your room ever-so-slightly sullenly
>Friggin' Luna ruining all your fun...
>you look over your shoulder to see her ears flatten slightly
>but of course for the same reason you can't say anything to reassure her she's not the reason you're mad
>you peel off your suit and dress down for a shower, letting the water run until it's hot
>ah well, you think, at least you'll be able to have some fun during your night on the town with her as your escort

>>28049335
>one short triple-S later, you are as dapper as a man transported to Equestria and made to play ambassador can be
>you make your way to the bureau with the towel wrapped around your waist
>you briefly contemplate what to wear, still in mild disbelief that you're being allowed to take this trip at all with her
>you sift through a couple of polo shirts and a tie-dyed tee with the words COOL DUDE on it
>(one of Suri Whatserface's new experiments you were given as a gift by the Princess of the Night; at least this one doesn't say JOG BOY)
>ah, here we go
>a white shirt, black slacks... hm, it's a little chilly outside
>you opt for a black jacket to complete the look
>that'll work
>classic!
>you examine yourself in the full-length mirror, adjusting your pants a touch
"Alright, I'm ready for a little fun, how... about... you...?"
>you peek outside to see Stardust sitting at attention, as ever
>not so usually, though, you can see she's shed the thick, heavy golden armor for a set of blue cloth armor, reinforced with thin metal panels held on with cloth straps
>the gold highlights along the edges of the material accentuate her body nicely
>looking like something between a cleric and a police officer, the clothing leaves her cutie mark exposed
>a shame the helmet covers up that pretty mane, though
>how'd she get dressed so fast?
>aren't the barracks on the other side of the castle?
>and you can smell something... lilacs?
>her salute and stare are enough to quell any questions you might have, though
>"Sir, if your preparations are complete, I will accompany you to your destination."
>you smile and nod, walking alongside her casually towards the central gates of the castle
>you think of putting your hand on her back, but decide you'd better not
>no clue who might be watching
"You... will be able to actually come inside with me when we get there, right?"
>you ask uncertainly
>this date is going to blow if she's not even able to follow you into the bar

>>28049344
>her tone is less terse than you expect, instead almost gentle as she recites by rote
>"My primary order hasn't changed, sir: I'm to apprehend and subdue anyone who represents a threat to the crown or its subjects."
>you nod
"Right, but in addition to that. Y'know, in order to 'protect me' from any 'criminals' that might be there. You'll be able to join me?"
>she shrugs noncommittally in return as you turn down another hallway
>"That depends on the circumstances, sir."
>you're looking at her as you walk, but you see her entire stance go rigid as you round the corner
>oh COME ON
>a pegasus, unicorn, and earth pone squadron stand at either door, closely checking anyone going in or out
>you're going to talk to Celestia about this if Moonbutt seriously fucks up your date, it took three weeks to even coordinate this much
>one of the pegasus guards pats you down almost reluctantly
>either because he knows how stupid this is
>or because he has a little less than twice as much of you to search as the average pony
>both you and Stardust make it out relatively unmolested, and you finally start down the stairs
"Oh my god, seriously? Is there ANY basis for that shit?"
>your marefriend lets out a sigh but simply shrugs her shoulders
>"From what I've been told, yes sir. I don't know the details, personally."
>you walk down the steps at arm's length, still very aware of the eyes on the back of your head as you make your way to the town below

>>28048550
>"M-Manticore?" squeaks one of the guards behind you
>You yourself feel uneasy
>You steady your shaking legs as the crowd cheers the awaited send off of the cream of Equestria to vanquish its foe
"It's just a rehearsal" you mutter, as much to yourself as them "It's just a test"
>You turn to face them and a manic gleam enters your eye
>"The royal guard would never ACTUALLY be expected to fight... right?"
>The guardponies look at one another uneasily before straightening their posture
>You gulp and turn around to await the next phase of the ceremony
>Unfortunately you didn't have to wait long
>"Royal Guards of Equestria" calls Celestia from the balcony overseeing the ceremony "You may now begin the recitation of the...erm-"
>You see Princess Luna lean over and whisper into her sister's ear
>"Er-hmm! You may now begin the recitation of the... Oath of the Royal Guard"
>You swear for a moment you see a look of pity wash over the Princess' face
>You all stare dumbly at one another
>"Royal Oath?" your guard ask one another
>You wrack your brains for an answer
>Think Sunny, think!
>Of course!
>Like all great actors, you'd improvise
>"Repeat after me, troupe!" you order and begin marching at the front of the procession proudly

"When the foeman bears its steel"
>"Equestria! Equestria!" comes the call of the guardponies behind you
"We courageously do feel"
>"Equestria!"
"And we find the wisest thing"
>"Equestria, Equestria!"
"Is to beat our chests and sing 'Equestria'!"

"For when threatened by all brutes!"
>"Equestria, Equestria!"
"And all other means are moot!"
>"Equestria!"
"There is nothing brings us 'round like the trumpet's martial sound, like the trumpet's martial sound!"

>You can't help but grin confidently at your gambit
>You'd always known ad libbing in college would pay off
>As you continue to march across the path, a young filly steps out from the crowd, one of the choir fillies you believed

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>>28049352
>Last post 40 minutes ago

Don't quit on me now, writefriends

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Bored guard bump.

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>>28048261
>I watched a video on youtube, therefore I'm an expert

>>28051124
>I am an uneducated idiot who can only insult the medium
>he has the nerve to insult others when he thinks mail hangs on the shoulders
Just give it up and take a second to learn something. This thread doesn't need you shitting it up and id rather not.

>>28051195
Can you leave already?

>>28049308
>the kingdom's most fearful Princess
Uh, from the context is seems like you meant fearsome

>>28047970

>Use a stack of Arcani vs the Senate Army.

>>28046657
>tell twiggy some is stalking you and potentially dangerous for the only human in ewuestria
>develope an over complicated plan
>make her finally belive it
>get a qt 3.14 as personal guard
>???
>profit

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>>28048261
Chainmail was only ever worn under plate armour in the early days of its development, it was soon realized that with proper steel armour, the maille underneath didnt provide additional enough protection to be worth the additional weight.

But enough of that, these are imaginary ponies wearing imaginary armour.

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Behold the guards greatest foe.

>>28051688
Sauce on the pic?

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>>28052384
sorry man I cant find anything on it, and I got it from one of the arms and armour threads on /v/ like a year ago.

>>28044699
Who's this pone?

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>>28051688
>>28052384
>>28052452
Don't know when/where the exact picture came from, but that's the Arms and Armor exhibit in the Metropolitan Museum in NYC.

A good visit if you're interested, actually. Fucking pricey, though.

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Guardmares are for sexual

>>28053043
I want to see a Earth pony guardmare and a Pegasus guardmare get it on.

>>28044224

>"A-Anon, s-stop! Guards are not for lewd!"
>"Ok, just... Don't rub against me too much, you might kick in my training."
>"Oh merciful Luna, your hands, keep doing that... Yes...Yes!"
>"Now touch me- STAND BACK FROM CELESTIAS GUARD!"
>The tiny guardpony suddenly stands at attention, on the bed, and proceeds to push Anon off of the bed while yelling.
>"STAND BACK FROM CELESTIAS GUARD!"

>>28053813
Ah crap, you've broken the guardpone.

>>28053902
Do you restart them by polishing their armour, or brushing their mane?

>>28053916
noseboops

>>28053937
>Boop guardpone
>"Please form an orderly que to visit the prin-"
>No, that's not it.
>Boop again.
>"Citizen, this area is off-limits to-"
>Nope, not that one either.
>Boop.
>"STOP! You violated the law. Pay the court a fine-"
>Doublenope.
>Boop!
>"I AM, THE LAW!"
>Error: Unable to boop due to laughing.
>Lines like that should not be delivered by squeaky pone voice.

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>>28043855
hi

>>28054287
Ooh, that's a really broke guardpone, you're gonna have to take her in to pone IT

>>28044898
>>28045095
The only pardon here is pardon dat ass.

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>>28055018
>Be Neighnty Five.
>Working at the pone helpdesk, fixing most basic problems.
>You hate your job.
>And you're about to remind yourself why.
>"Good morning."
"Mr. Anonymous. I see you came here to reconsider our offer of a discount card?"
>The human does some weird kind of expression that you think is an equivalent of an ashamed scrunch.
>You sigh.
>It's the 4th time this week he came here.
>And it's fucking Wednesday.
>How many urges can a one creature have?
>You look at the bubbling guardsmare who is ranting on about "Coming with her, dead or alive"
"The overbrush syndrome again sir? Did you read the short manual I gave you on Monday?"
>"Uh, yeah, I did. She just, uh..."
>You raise an eyebrow at him.
>Of course he didn't read a page.
>This lazy little pice of...
"Please deposit your pony to the room 3, I'll send someone with an un-scruncher right away."
>He nods and mutters something under his breath before jolting off with the stiff mare.
>You hate your job.

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>>28051688
No, not really. Since its early predecessors, mail has accompanied plate. It's well documented as a feature in the hundred years war and continues into the italian wars with maxmilian armor. That's the 14th to 16th centuries. Go look at contemporary reconstructions and historical depictions. Your pic is a museum piece, it isn't how it'd be worn in battle. They needed flexibility and every bit of protection they could muster, especially with the development of pike formations which will find any and all gaps

Pic related, 16th century maximilian

On another note, ponies in any arnor is good

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>>28055905

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>>28055116

>>28056172
no

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>>28056352

>>28055905
they used mail for the bits they couldnt cover or would be too expensive/hard to articulate. the maille for a suit like that is sown into the padded coat worn under the breastplate.

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>>28049526
"Go to glory and the grave!"

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The guard must be ready to aid the princesses in any emergency!

>>28057135
So the true purpose of the guard is to provide cuddles

>>28057707
Yeah, they guard against bad vibes, not physical harm.

boop

>>28048900
That's a super cute and I'd really like some more.

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>>28056515
Yes, that's what I was referring to. The point being that mail is flexible and strong, and doesn't have a significant weight

Poner reiters would be cool

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Bumping with overcomplicated armor

>>28043855
>>28059207

>She'll never arrest you for consensual cuddles.

Fucking end me.

>>28059938
It looks more like a wedding dress then as armor.

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>>28060254
I know.

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>>28059651
well, have the next best thing.

>>28061063
>Catbirds
Inferior taste I say

>>28045521
But some blades on their sides and on helmet

>>28047965
a classic

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>>28045521
Pegasi are fine with a spear since they have their front legs freed up. Javelins could work too.

Earth ponies should have lances for an initial charge and some sort of side weapon (saber, warhammer) as backup.

Unicorns can practically use anything.

>>28043855

i bet it's difficult to masturbate wearing that stuff

>>28051195
>he actually believes that chain armour wasn't divided by body parts and was some sort of robe
>he actually believes that the armour was the equivalent of military uniforms and wasn't done on individual basis

>It's 10am, probably. More importantly you're playing a game with Luna.
>A game called fuck with the guards. Apparently she and Celestia used to play it as fillies.
>A test of will and cunning to see who could break the stoic-ness of their guard first.
>Or at least best out of three.

>First round. The staring contest.
>No touching the guard, no noises, no antics. Just staring.
>Looking into the huge eyes of brown stallion you try to penetrate his soul.
>Lancing into the very core of his being, as if you could scorch his very mind.
>A large drop of sweat drops from his fur onto the floor.
>He's breaking.
>Pouring all of your will into the stare, your mind will him to break.
>Then it happens. He starts shaking like a leaf and yells "STOP STARING AT ME FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!"
>"Ha I win. One, nothing Luna."
>"Tis not fair Anonymous, thou have the tiny beady eyes of predator."

>"Woop woop woop woop."
>You dance around the guard doing your best Dr Zoidberg impression.
>It's the second round. Anything goes as long as you don't touch the guard.
>Luna so far hasn't done anything. Just stood there smirking at you.
>"Observe Anonymous."
>She simply turns around and looks at you with half-lidded eyes.
>Her tail flicks out of the way for a moment, giving a brief glimpse of midnight blue lewdness.
>Two things happened.
>You stopped wooping and dancing.
>And both guards fainted.
>"The score is tied Anonymous."
>"Now whose not playing fair."
>"We only use what our mother gave us."
>Bullshit.

>>28063016
>Final round. It's all to play for.
>This time touching is allowed. You also insisted on a guardsmare.
>Two can play the lewd game Luna. It's in the bag.
>You nearly got arrested and caused a public scandal but you have a secret weapon.
>The weakness of every pony.
>"Art thou ready, Anonymous?"
>"Just say the word"
>"BEGIN!"
>Quick as a striking snake, your arm lashes out with an outstretched finger.
>"Boop"
>The guardsmare shudders briefly then collapses, cheeks rapidly turning red.
>In the same instant however Luna had leaned down and taken a strong inhale at the guardstallions junk.
>He'd keeled over like a fainting goat.
>"God damn it."
>"Damnation indeed. Tis a draw. Shall we have a tie-breaker?"
>"Nah, Celestia said she'd put me in the dungeon for a week if I boop anymore female guards."
>"Thou could boop one of the stallions...."
>"In your dreams Luna"
>"Do not tempt us Anonymous"

>>28063037
This is beautiful

>>28063037
You magnificent bastard.

>>28055382
Looks like Anon needs to download mare ram for his mare.

>>28063479
All mares are machines IT ALL MAKES SENCE NOW

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>>28064043
I guess you could call them...
marechines

>>28064098
You insufferable cunt, great job.

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I want to write some green here, but I don't have the time at the moment. If thread is still up on Friday I might be able contribute something.

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>Anon is a fan of the Imperial Guard and convinces the Sisters to make a regiment under his command
Or
>Spartan-III Anon is asked to give the guard some training tips
>He interprets this as pic related
I want to write but I don't want to drag it out like the last several times so either story would be a bunch of snippets.

>>28066686
>>Anon is a fan of the Imperial Guard and convinces the Sisters to make a regiment under his command
My choice

Idk what this thread is about, but i have it open so i'm bumping it anyway.

>>28066686
>Anon is a fan of the Imperial Guard and convinces the Sisters to make a regiment under his command
this

IN THE CORNER
OF MY EYE
I SAW YOU AT RUDIES
YOU WHERE VERY HIGH!

YOU WHERE HIGH!
IT WAS A CRYING DISGRACE!
WE SAW YOUR FACE
ON THE COUNTER!
BY YOUR KEYS!
WAS A BOOK OF NUMBERS
AND YOUR REMEDIES
ONE OF THESE
SURELY WILL SCREAM OUT THE SORROW
BUT WHERE ARE YOU TOMORROW?

I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE!
WHILE YOU RUN AROUND
BREAK AWAY!
JUST WHEN IT SEAMS OK, THAT IT'S OVER NOW!
DRINK YOUR BIG BLACK COW
AND GET OUT OF HERE!

There are threads to keep alive

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I want to bust a guards balls, and force him to ejaculate over and over.

The female version of that is cool too.

>>28066686
>Anon's regiment
Fund it.
Let him train them. Make Royal Guard great again!

>>28069019
Whats the fenale equivilant of ball busting?

>>28070352
Gash gushing

>>28070352
Cunt punt

>>28070352
Twat Trashing.

>>28070352
Pussy proding

>>28043855
>Private Flitter! Pump him harder! You're fucking him like a little filly stuck in the closet after spinning the bottle!
>Faster, you maggot! Look at his face! His eyes have barely turned inside!
>Five minutes?! I'm surprised you managed to get him off at all! Private Flitter, ride the dildos! On the double!
>Next!

>Private Junebug! I bet you masturbate every night, you fucking disgrace!
>Deepthroat him!
>I said deepthroat him! Get your teeth to that base, Private!
>You disgust me! Why are you rolling your tongue around his dick?! Are you in love with that fucking human piece of shit?!
>Deeper, you fucking lesbo! Harder! Faster!
>Seven minutes! You will learn to deepthroat Private Junebug, even if you have to suck off a stallion a million times! Report to the stables at once!
>Next!

>>28048900
>>28059098
Should I continue this with just the two of them, or another guardmare or two added in for cutesy stuff?

>>28049526
Keep going

>>28071941
this

>>28071920
Id like just the two of them but do what feels right to you anon

>>28070352
Slit slamming.

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>>28069868
>>28067494
>>28066792
Pretty unanimous (and I've been watching a couple of IG batreps) so Anon's Regiment it is.

Now I'm finally able to sit down and start writing, but I feel I need to do something unique for this, so I'll consult my handy-dandy Only War rulebook, make a few regiment idea (since it'll be boring with trying to turn them into ye-old-Cadians), and work from there.

>>28071874
this is good

>>28049526
I really want to hear more about Sunny Sides. If the story comtinues i may even draw her. Does that motivate you writefriend?

boop for interest and possible shitty writefagging

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>>28073477
We await.

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>"I suggest you stay your hand, Sir"
>"Last stallion that tried to woo me is still in the infirmary. It's been 8 months."
>"S-sir?! ...Goddamnit."

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>>28075169
Forgot the other ear, into the brig I go.

>>28065908
Its friday somewhere. Give me the green.

>>28070352
Mammary Mangulation

>>28075194
Nice man.

>>28075169
I'm in love.

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>>28073477
Die for the princess' or die trying!

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>>28049526
>The filly looks at you all expectantly and you motion for the rest of the guard to kneel
>The filly smiles timidly and begins to sing
>Her beautiful voice silences the few ponies talking among themselves and fills the whole procession with a sense of awe
>You yourself are enraptured by her voice and your eyes close of their own violation

>"Go, you heroes, go to glory
>"Though you die in combat gory"

>Your eyes snap open
>Did, did she just say?

>"You shall live in song and story"
>"Go to immortality!"

>You turn to the guard assembled behind you and they share your confusion
>You open your mouth to protest but can't get a word in
>With a deepness of voice beyond her size the filly's voice grows ever louder

>"Go to death and go to slaughter!"
>You all gulp
>"Die and every son and daughter!"
>"With tears your grave will water"
>"Go you heroes go and die!"

>"Go you heroes go and die! Go you heroes go and die!" sing the rest of the choir

>Your legs start to wobble and you feel faint

>>28076912
Poor guards

FREEDOM AIN'T FREE

>>28076912
It continues!

>>28076912
That filly a qt

>>28046482
>Tried drawing chainmail once
>Came out with spaghetti-o armor

>>28081446
The trick is not to draw the individual links. That way lies bad armor and cramped hands. Instead, just draw the wavy lines of rows of links.

>>28081559
Thanks for the tip familia

>>28076912
>You take a moment to steady yourself
>You had to protest
>You weren't a fighter - none of you were!
>But you were a guardmare
>And a good guardmare never ever broke protocol
>And that meant you couldn't break your image here either
>Still, you had to tell them somehow
>And it looked as though it had to be through song...

"T-T-Though to us it's evident" you stutter to the filly, the crowd and the royal sisters themselves; praying they'd understand what a terrible mistake they were making
"Your attentions are well meant"
"Such expressions don't appear"
"Calculated mares to cheer!"

>Your fellow guards nod their heads furiously and shoot pleading looks towards the sisters

"W-Who are going to meet their fate, with a wiping of the slate"
>A small squeak of fear escapes you and you compose yourself
"Still t-to us it's evident, your attentions are well meant"
"So shall we bravely take our time to another plan foment?"

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>>28082143
>Another filly steps forward from the choir and begins to sing, oblivious to your collective plea for mercy

>"Go and do your best endeavor"
>"And before all links we sever"
>"We shall say farewell forever"
>"Go to glory and the grave!"

>You feel yourself turn lightheaded before collapsing backwards into the supporting hooves of your compatriots
>Your subordinates enter into a panic and fuss over you, fanning at your face and massaging your limbs
>"Water, water!" one of them mutters and you're torn from your daze as the cool liquid splashes across your face
>You hack and cough before offering a response to the filly's exhortation, still held up by your fellow guard

"We can feel to great a stress, on the risks that on a us press
"And we reference the lack of our chance of coming back!
"Still we beg you to be kind, not to harp or criticize"
"As it's very evident that our intentions are well meant!"

>Your comrades nod in agreement

>The choir, still ignoring your now obvious cries for help begin singing at various harmonies
>You shift your eyes to the balcony, silently begging Celestia for help
>The Princess of the Sun sits, peeking out behind her hooves at the debacle unfolding, her sister shooting a perplexed look toward her
>You had the feeling she was realizing that more things had changed in Equestria than she'd thought

>>28082359
They could feed the entire guard on this volume of spaghetti...

>>28082359
>A few of the guard, seeing the rest of the procession distracted, try to slip away unseen
"Wait!" you growl, pushing them reluctantly back into line
>You didn't want to be here either but you couldn't let your Princess down!
>The singing reaches it's zenith and the signal is given for the rest of the procession behind you begin to march, pushing you all forward
>A few guardponies turn to quivering wrecks, other tear off their helmets and retch into them, others simply faint, propped up by their more strong willed comrades
>You, however, continue marching forward, bringing the few remaining guard with you into a final, honest, recitation of the Oath

"When the foeman bears its steel"
>"Celestia! Celestia!"
"We uncomfortable feel"
>"Celestia!"
>"And we find the wisest thing"
>"Celestia! Celestia!"
"Is to clap our hooves and beg; Celestia!"

>The choir marches alongside your formation, the marching fillies joyfully singing of your demise and hemming you in
>Behind you the trumpets and other instruments blare and harp, further adding to your skittishness

"For when threatened by the brutes"
>"Celestia! Celestia!"
"And your heart is in your boots"
>"Celestia!"
"There is nothing makes us frown, like our bodies in the ground, like our bodies in the ground!"
>"Celestia!"

The procession around you slows to a halt as only you and the remaining guard ponies still conscious march under Canterlot's triumphal arc

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>>28049352
>Stumble on this thread in the catalogue
>Find continuation of "Sir, Yes Sir!"
>HellYeah.jpg
>Last post was 4 days ago
Life is suffering

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>>28082621
>You bite your lip and peer out at the advancing guard
>They'd just passed the arc, they were almost there, they just had to round the corner
>From there you didn't care what happened to them, as long as you could call an end to this farce
>The terrified guardponies' pace slows to a crawl and an impatient Luna beside you urges them onward
>"Away! Away!" she bellows
>You cringe
>You'd have to discuss Equestria's current military strength with her later
>It wasn't a conversation you were looking forward to, to say the least
>But for now you just needed them to round that corner
>Slowly, ever so slowly the guard retreats further and further until at last they disappear
>Breathing a sigh of relief, you lean back into your seat, grateful for the respite
>A moment later a scream pierces the air, followed by several others
>The music dies off abruptly as the cream of Equestria, Celestia's picked themselves scramble back, tossing aside their weapons and armor and screaming for their mothers
>The ponies shove aside old and young alike in their panic, gradually scrambling back towards the barracks or into the city
>Silence
>You squirm nervously, forehead sweating, your mouth twisted into the mother of all scrunches
>You do your best not to meet your sister's gaze, now burning two holes into the side of your head
>Finally, you submit
>"Luna" you begin, placing a hoof on her shoulder and doing your best to maintain your regal tone "There's something I wish to tell you"
>A nearby banner is blown off it's perch and splays itself across your face

Fin

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>>28082782

"Hmm, so you're my bodyguard, huh?"
>"Yes sir."
>You hold a hand up to your chin and slowly walk around, scanning, inspecting her.
"I'm not going to lie, this won't be an easy job for you. Do you know what you signed up for?"
>"Yes sir."
"Completely sure?"
>"Yes sir."
>You slowly nod and continue her inspection.
>You inspect that golden and blue Royal armor of hers, accented with a hint of green to show that she's also yours.
>Standing before her, you look into her eyes, searching for a hint of uncertainty, and kind of falter in her stone cold expression.
>A tense moment drags on.
>Her eyes stay on you, completely unmoving.
>A smile slowly crosses your face.
"Good. In that case..."
>You drop the formal posture, and your grin grows wider.
"Let's get some motherfucking ice cream."
>She nods, then immediately pauses.
>"Excuse me, sir? Can you repeat that?"
>Your formal posture comes back, and you spin to face her.
"Are you questioning my authority?"
>"-No sir, I just want to be sure I heard you correctly."
"What, not loud enough for you? Do you want a goddamn hearing aid?"
>You kneel and meet her eyes with yours.
>"No sir."
>You take a moment to look for another change.
>...Goddamn, she's good.
"Will I have to repeat myself again?"
>"-No sir."
"-Good."
>Another pause.
"Then, you are to come with me and enjoy some frozen dairy treats! That's an order!"
>Her face twists slightly into one of confusion, then quickly disappears.
>She holds a hoof up in a salute.
>"As you command, sir."
>Hot damn, this is so cool.
>You wave her around and start walking towards the direction of the ice cream parlor.
>Your new guard follows suit with a small rattling of her armor, probably with a half serious, half confused look.
>She really DOESN'T know what she signed up for.

>>28083986
>
"So then, what do you want? I'm more of a chocolate man myself, but don't let that stop you from getting something else."
>"Permission to speak, sir?"
"-Well, kinda asked you a question, and you're already talking anyways, so whatchu want?"
>"Well sir, I was kind of expecting something... different. Training or orientation."
"Ah, so then you DON'T know what you signed up for, eh?"
>She immediately straightens herself out.
>"I'm always ready for anything, sir."
>The last pony in front of you leaves, and you both move up to the parlor guy.
"Then I hope you're ready to order, because you spent this whole time talking to me instead of looking at ice cream."
>You step to the side and let her see the entire menu.
>Her eyes dart across all the flavors, then to you.
>She opens her mouth-
"-Yes, I order you to order."
>-Then closes it.
>She stands there scanning the menu with a serious, focused expression on her face.
>It's cute as all hell, honestly.
>"I'll have the, ah, cookie dough flavor."
>The parlor guy nods and scoops it all.
>So, a cookie girl, huh?
>You can definitely admire that.
"And I'll have cookies and cream, please."
>The guy nods and gets to work.
>Meanwhile, she just stands there by your side, practically unmoving.
>You can see her through your peripherals, and you actually have to make sure she's even breathing.
>Once the dude's done, he slides two cups of ice cream over the counter, and you grab them with your guard in tow, following over to a booth by a window.
>She doesn't even sit.
>She just stands there, patiently beside the seat.
"You may sit."
>THEN she sits.
>Man, this pony really is super serious about everything.

>>28079024
that diaper looks full. i aint changing it. also it looks very cute and you should do more

A bump by me.

>bump

>>28085182

>>28084219
This is cute

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I want Anon to take control of a regiment and train the guards so that they will actually deal with threats to Equestria.
I just want pony-Blackwatch to protect ponies from exotic threats. Is it too much to ask?

>>28073794
Nah. Too late now anyway. I prefer to keep my greens short and already lost the motivation for it about half way through.

>>28084219
More please. This is super cute

>>28084219
Keep going.

>>28084219
Moore

Here, have a story in another thread: >>28087507

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>>28088946
>posting qt guard stories in dead threads instead of here

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Codex Custodes does not support dying.
Stop dying immediately!

>It's time
>You put on your trusty black bandanna.
>For this point on, you are no longer know as Anon
>You are Solid Snek
>Master of tactical boops
>Your current target is a new guard.
>She is prepared for anything
>Except the ancient technique of boop.
>You are currently hiding around a pillar in the hallway.
>You check your watch
>Any second now she will be coming around the corner.
>When she is about to pass, you'll strike.
>The sound of hooves get closer and closer.
>The time is Nye
>Bill Nye
>She enters the kill zone
>Now
>You combat roll out from behind the pillar right in front of the guardsmare
>She is caught off guard.
>You initiate your attack.
>A swift pointer finger to the nose
"boop"
>Her nose scrunches.
>Her cheeks turn red.
>Adorable
>Your mission is complete.
>But this is one of many missions to come as Solid Snek: Canterlot's Earth Ambassador by day.
>Tactical boop master by night.

boop

Don't die bump.

>>28090527
she didn't know the basics of CQC

>>28090527
if anon is solid snek does that mean fem is liquid snek?

>>28090527
"Can love bloom on a battlefield?"
"Just in your Japanese anime, Ottapon"

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>>28093229
She sure was liquid after that boop

>>28093322
HA, oh you

>>28093322
NICE.

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boop

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>>28046073
>"Ambassador Ahau, from the southern lands, back when I was a fresh recruit. A year later, Ambassador Commander Steelclaw on behalf of the gryphons. And then six months ago, Ambassador Broodmother Kaa'lith from the Dragon Lands. Thank goodness the dragons are another matriarchy!"

>she chuckles nervously as you try to puzzle out what she means by that

>then a second later an image of a full-grown male dragon bent over a pony that you already dwarf in size flashes through your head

>...thank goodness indeed

*ahem* Could a generous writefag possibly whip up a scenario in which the Dragons were, per se... not a matriarchy? Just asking for a friend.

>>28094871
you gotta get them dick suckin lips ready

So would you rather celestia's guardsmares or luna's guardsmares

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>>28096332
Of course!

The princesses refused my offer, in favor of the guards. I had to find out what they told them.

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>"H-help..."

>>28096667
I came
.__________________.

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>>28047148
See
>>28094871
/There's/ something different.

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>>28094871

Requesting that green about anon going spelunking in a dragons vagina

>>28098017
Requesting for you to kill yourself

>>28097801
Thats one sassy looking doctor

>>28046374
>Country is a matriarchy

No it's not, not even remotely. There's no indication whatsoever of either gender being advantaged or dominant, both genders have been portrayed equally capable, and there's no gender roles. We've seen ponies of both genders in a wide variety of walks of life. Equestria is not a matriarchy, nor is it a patriarchy, it's gender-egalitarian. With de-jure and de-facto gender equality.

>Majority of important ponies are mares

Nope. There aren't many 'important ponies' in the show period, regardless if you're looking for mares or stallions. The show does focus more on female characters screentime wise, but it's never portrayed either character as dominant or superior. Neither gender is more influential or 'important' in their society, and there's no indication either is advantaged in this regard. What little politicians we've seen have been both male and female, and the princesses and princes you could count on your fingers. The slice of life nature of the show just doesn't dip much into politics, now in stuff like social and economic matters, we know plenty of both ponies who are pretty influential there, a couple of male examples being Fancy Pants or Filthy Rich.

>No gender bias in physical work fields

Correct We've seen both mares and stallions doing some heavy-duty work, and they seem to be pretty darn even when doing it.

So on the guards. The only reason for female guards not to exist would be blatant discrimination, but that's not going to happen for either gender in a gender-egalitarian society like Equestria, end of story, so you can rule that out.

In reality, the only reason we haven't seen more female guards is the same reason we haven't seen many who don't share the same color scheme; it's simply because the animators haven't bothered to create art assets for them. There's no logical reason for them not to exist, and we know for a fact that both genders are perfectly capable.

1/2 ;^)

>>28099525
So, in conclusion, yes, they exist, but we don't see them. Blame DHX for being too lazy with the art assets. Or not. It's not exactly like the details in the guard ponies are a big priority for them, or else they wouldn't have only recently even started to create a few simple color swaps for them. The comics have a few female guards I think, if you care any about those.

I've also seen the suggestion of the armor being enchanted with a simple illusion spell to make them all look identical, but eh, I find that sort of idea to be way over the top, and surely it'd be unnecessary from an in-universe point of view. Not exactly a fan of that explanation. Plus it has various other big problems, but let's not go into that. So yeah, I don't think it'd work at all. I think it just boils down to DHX not putting in much effort to the guards. Not in writing and not in art assets either.

Even if it's not fitting for the canon though, I'm sure it's an idea with some blatant fetish green potential. Groping random guards not knowing their gender or something? Dunno.

>>28044671
nyx pls

>>28099651
Also please note that I don't endorse the idea of sexually groping random innocent pone. It's just an idea, and like many other fetish greens it wouldn't be meant to be taken too seriously. Just thought someone might be interested in the idea.

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>>28099525
>There's no indication whatsoever of either gender being advantaged or dominant,
>There aren't many 'important ponies' in the show period, regardless if you're looking for mares or stallions.

>4 alicorns
>4 princesses

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>>28100998
Don't be a retard. You wouldn't call a fictional kingdom a matriarchy automatically for simply for happening to have a queen and you wouldn't call it a patriarchy automatically for happening to have a king. You could call said country's government a matriarchy/patriarchy as a sort of technicality, but it would indeed merely be a technicality based on a definition of questionable usefulness. Simply that the current head of state is female or male, that is.

Besides, Starswirl almost became an alicorn, and the only reason he failed was because he didn't understand friendship, which Celestia specifically mentioned. Becoming an alicorn is primarily achieved through merit, and gender has no relevancy whatsoever there.

You've refuted nothing. Equestria is gender-egalitarian, and there's no indication of either gender being advantaged or dominant. And there still aren't many examples of ponies in power, assuming you're referring to government specifically, you could count the ones not considered background ponies on your fingers almost.

I hate refreshing the catalog just as someone replies, but pic related was the captcha which made up for it.

>>28101072
>You wouldn't call a fictional kingdom a matriarchy automatically for simply for happening to have a queen
I would if it had 2 near immortal queens that ruled for thousands of years

>Besides, Starswirl almost became an alicorn
>quoting comics as cannon

Aaaand dropped

>>28101150
>I would if it had 2 near immortal queens that ruled for thousands of years

Then you're a retard, or at the very least simply using a meaningless definition of the word that has no real significance. Celestia and Luna's gender is not and was never relevant to their rule. Equestria is gender-egalitarian and not a matriarchy because neither gender has been shown to be dominant or advantaged, both genders have been portrayed as equally capable and equally respected, and we've seen ponies of both genders in all sorts of walks of life. There are no gender roles, and they have de-jure and de-facto gender equality.

>quoting comics as cannon

Not quoting comics, buddy. In the show, Celestia specifically said to Twilight that "he didn't understand friendship" in one of those scenes with the black book or whatever, and considering friendship is specifically how Twilight earned her alicornhood, it's pretty clear that's the reason he failed and she succeeded. You'd have to be such a drooling retard to think that gender would have any relevancy to such a special and merit-based position as being an alicorn. Most of them have been chosen by being proved a good and benevolent leader.

We've had a whole 5 and a half seasons thus far to observe this stuff, and yes, it's a fact that Equestria is gender-egalitarian, not a matriarchy or patriarchy. The show is more focused on female characters screentime wise, obviously, but it's never portrayed them as superior or dominant, and it's clear that both genders are equal in their society.

Now, I hope you've had enough of saying dumb shit, because I reckon there are better things to be discussed in this thread. Not that any green writers seem to be around.

b o o p
o
o
p

>>28084219
>You've already destroyed a big portion of your ice cream by the time she's decided to take one bite.
>She takes these super small bites, and she seems to really be struggling with that spoon.
>For some reason, you've noticed that hoof horse magic doesn't work with plastic things.
>Like it's electrical or something.
>Well, where most, if not all Earth Ponies would just eat without any utensil, she was trying to use a small plastic spoon fruitlessly.
>Obviously in her mind, using it is more 'professional' or serious or something, than just eating it like that.
>You drop your spoon in your ice cream and grab hers.
>First she seems a little pissed, then confused when you scoop some of hers and hold it in front of her face.
>Her eyes dart from the spoon to you, looking very confused.
>So you move it closer to her muzzle.
>Despite it just being ice cream, she moves away from it like it's some kind of plague or something.
>"I don't think ice cream bites."
>Her eyes just snap to you and stay there for a few moments, a mix of confusion and contemplation in them.
>Until she grabs the spoon in between both her hooves and slurps up the ice cream.
>"I can manage just fine, sir."
>You just roll your eyes slightly and work on your ice cream in the meantime.
>So stubborn.
>While you're enjoying your treat, you kind of just scan your new guardpony.
>Because she's too focused trying to use the spoon with her hooves right now.
>Honestly, you don't even know her name.
>But you don't think VIPs and shit get acquainted with the people trying to stop you from dying.
>Or maybe they do.
>You wouldn't know.
>But honestly you're not even sure what you need to be guarded FROM.
>You were just amongst the Princesses and shit, and all you heard was talk about you having a guard.
>You could be in horrible and grave danger, but you jumped on that shit the second your name and pony bodyguard was in the same sentence.

>>28102789
She's such a qt

>>28101259
>Celestia and Luna's gender is not and was never relevant to their rule.

Objection. Equestria has a grand total of two Princes (Blueblood, Shining Armor) and they are both unicorns. Equestria has five Princesses, all of them are Alicorns. This is further emphasized in Magical Mystery Cure when Twilight transforms into an Alicorn, and Applejack's reaction is to state "You look like a Princess". Not that she looks like an Alicorn, but that she's a Princess. So far everything in the show points towards alicorns and Princess are synonymous, and all Princess are endowed with some level of authority.

>>28103254
There's no indication whatsoever that being a prince or princess automatically confers alicornhood. As I said, most of them have gotten their alicornhood through ascension, not by simply having the title alone. Flurry Heart was born one, but she's the odd one out and I'm not sure how the writers would even explain how that works, considering everything else.

Blueblood is a big unknown, but I've seen the idea floated that he's a descendant of the unicorn kingdom royalty or something. Still, there's no reason to believe alicornhood would be handed to him on a silver platter just for having the title, and it certainly seems like he inherited it somehow.

And Shining Armor is a prince consort, which means he married into the title.

There's a big difference between how those two got their title and how Twilight and Candace for example got theirs. You can't really make a comparison.

>and Applejack's reaction is to state "You look like a Princess"

There's no reason to believe all princesses are alicorns, but all alicorns are almost certainly royalty, and Twilight is female, so.... obviously? A stallion transforming into an alicorn would have looked like a prince. I fail to see your point.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious that, based on how alicorns work, either gender could become one. We're talking about a position where the primary method of 'ascending' is to prove yourself a good and benevolent leader, and in Twilight's case, through friendship. Gender has no relevancy there whatsoever, and the whole position would lose all of it's legitimacy if someone tried to artificially force that as a requirement. As I said, it's pretty obvious that Starswirl almost became one, but he didn't understand friendship. Nobody is going to be denied a position like that because of their genitals, but understanding friendship is pretty fucking important considering friendship was such a huge part in how Twilight earned hers.

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>>28103343
>and the whole position would lose all of it's legitimacy if someone tried to artificially force that as a requirement.

Not to mention, that would only happen in a society with Islamic levels of gender-inequality, so no, not a chance alicornhood is restricted by gender, that's just a retarded idea, it doesn't fit the setting at all and it would shit all over the whole concept in a pretty fucking offensive way.

Also, my point still stands that Celestia and Luna's gender is irrelevant. They seem special even amongst alicorns, and they're pretty much immortal, so I don't think anyone gives a damn about their gender.

Anyway, hopefully this is the last big post I need to make. Have a picture, as apologies for the walls of text. Do night guards count?

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>>28103383
Also, here's this too.

>>28102789
>But now that you have time to look at her, you realize how beautiful she is.
>-More in an actual horse kind of sense.
>Like, that mane of hers is all flowy and shit.
>If this pony wasn't a guard, you'd definitely think like, model or something.
>Though every pony you've seen has been cute, it's all about the colors and shit that make one stand out.
>And this one has some pretty interesting colors.
>A white coat, though not white enough to hurt your eyes, is definitely shining.
>Then those gleaming, though cold, emerald eyes of hers, focused on the spoon in her grasp.
>And finally, her mane, which as you've said is voluminous and silky smooth as anything, as well as a light brown color.
>It being marshmallow pony land, you've noticed that natural hair colors are actually super uncommon, compared to all the other bright colors on the rainbow.
>And because of that, you prefer the natural ones.
>Kinda reminds you of home.
>You start spacing out thinking of the place, when you see her eyes move up to you.
>Though she doesn't say anything.
>Her looking up breaks the trance you're in, and you shake yourself back to Earth.
>-Well, not Earth, but you know.
>You finish off the rest of what's in your cup, and notice that this mare isn't even half done.
>Sure, you may have destroyed that goddamn ice cream, but even a regular person wouldn't be that far behind.
>Watching her trying to pick up her spoon again, you're not surprised when it almost immediately falls from her grasp.
>And before she has a chance to grab it, you swoop in and hold up another spoonful of ice cream to her muzzle.
>She glares at you slightly.
"Either you take all day trying to eat ice cream, you use your face, or I help. Pick one."
>Her eyes glance over at the spoon, and your face repeatedly.
>Then she seems to look up at her helmet.
>A soft sigh escapes her, and she takes the spoon in her mouth.
>A retarded smile crosses your face.
>It's like feeding an actual horse in a petting zoo.

>>28097134
https://derpiboo.ru/1208326?scope=scpeb8cb7ca90a9c74e3a69d5516dcf4a23b83486b8e

>>28103803
What in God's cock did I just view?

>>28103519
I need more

>>28103541
Das cute

>>28103519
Keep it up anon, cute stuff

>>28105093
Sorry for naming, it stuck from an old thread
sigh

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I'm going to be housesitting for a friend of mine for 2 day.the catch is,there's no internet.
What are some cute anon stories (long preffered) to kill the time?
I like gilda.

I bump

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42KB, 300x217px

>>28045938
>Someone capped that green
That wasn't a mistake anon, that was fate.

qmud

dmnq

Luna's guards green when?

boop

>>28108961
What did he mean by this?

>>28103519
>
>Next thing you know, you're walking out of the parlor, ice cream gone and a slightly flustered guard pony with some on her muzzle.
>She decided at one point that she'd just eat without your help, then immediately regretted her decision.
>Needless to say, she's kind of pissed that her face is now sticky.
>And you didn't even do anything lewd.
>So as you're walking home, she sticks close behind, still not having said 'thank you for the ice cream'.
>Though there really wasn't anyone there to witness it, she seems really upset that she had your help.
>Even if it WAS just for ice cream.
"So then, what's your name, anyways?"
>She looks up from her thoughts and answers almost immediately.
>"Whatever you desire, sir."
>You mentally hold a hand to your chin in thought.
"So, if I want to call you Mistress, I can?"
>Her expression doesn't change in the slightest, but you can just tell she doesn't like that.
>"W-whatever you desire, sir."
>-Okay, THAT's how you tell she doesn't like that.
>Either that's anger, or embarrassment in her voice.
>No change in tone, but you'd think those are your two options.
"If that's the case, then I'd like to make it easy on both of us and ask your name."
>She pauses for a second.
>"Just call me Brave, sir."
"Like the Disney movie?"
>She just looks at you, the slightest hint of eyebrow movement as the only indicator she's confused.
"Eh, it's an Earth thing, you wouldn't know about it."
>When you spin back around, your home is already conveniently in front of you, in all it's bill and tax free glory.
>Horseland really is great.
>So is being the only one of your entire race and species, in some senses.
>Hell, if you weren't, you're sure you wouldn't have a guard.
>Without having to pay for it, at least.
>And fuck that shit.
>Opening the door, you step to the side and hold it for Brave.
>She just stays outside again.
"You may enter my humble domicile, child."
>With an extra hint of un-amusement on her face, she walks inside.