reality check

>>27982412
What's the matter OP, did you stop getting replies in your other shitpost thread?

>>27981789

Kill yourself.

t. Dashfag

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>>27982412
>still watching the show

>>27982432
>>27982437
Thanks for bumping, falseflaggers, now OP can bump it and it won't die

>>27982442
All the threads here are shit anyway, so who cares?

>>27982446
>all the threads are shit
Maybe take some off your filters and discuss shit, have fun, lurk more

>>27982450
I don't have filters. Mostly because there isn't anything good in the first place.

>>27982437
thanks for outing yourself as cancer, Pinkie faggot

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>>27982460
I'm actually an old Glimmerfag. But go ahead and say anyone who disagrees with you is a Pinkiefag.

>Shitting up OP's thread with WALL OF TEXT!

A soft bell sounds, and you check your watch.

"And that's time. Upsy-daisy."

The mulberry-colored pony reclining in your lap makes a pouty face and a brief whine of complaint as you stop stroking her tummy, but dutifully rises and hops onto the floor, where she indulges herself in a luxuriant stretch.

"Mmmmh, best thirty bits I ever spent," she says, giving you a contented smile.

You rise and rub your legs to restore circulation. "Well, I appreciate that. Be sure and tell your friends, okay?" You automatically plug for referrals as you go and open the door for her.

"Oh trust me, I will!" She gives you a wink and heads out the door.

That was your last cuddle therapy appointment for the day, so you reach up and change your sign to "CLOSED", before closing your door.

With a sigh you sniff at your shirt, noting that it smells far more of pony than of you. A bath and a nice drink would be just the ticket at the end of a work day.

As you go to run your bath, a knock at the door stops you. With a frown you call, "Business hours are over, come back tomorrow to make an appointment, please."

Some ponies don't read the sign, apparently, because whoever is at the door knocks again, a little more insistently.

With a sigh, you turn and trudge back to the door. Opening it reveals an all-too-familiar poofy pink mane, partly concealed behind a festive bouquet of balloons.

"Surprise!" she yells happily.

"Not really," you reply. "What is it this time, Pinkie, I'm kinda tired."

>>27982477


The balloons move forward and are released inside your office, making room through the door for Pinkie Pie to let herself in and close the door behind her.

"I know you are, Nonny, and that's what I wanted to see you about."

With a sigh, you intone, "Come in, close the door behind you. Oh wait, you already have."

Pinkie Pie either misses the sarcasm or chooses to ignore it. "How's the cuddle business going?"

Deciding you can follow through on part of your plan anyhow, you wander into the kitchen and pull open your liquor cabinet. "Busy. Very busy, in fact. Hence the whole tired thing I mentioned earlier."

You begin to mix yourself a double, because Pinkie Pie.

"Hmm, I suspected that might be the case," the energetic party planner muses, nodding thoughtfully. "You do look kinda drawn out."

"Mm-hmm," you nod, stirring your drink, "Plus, I mentioned to you that I'm tired, twice. Three times now, in point-of-fact."

Pinkie Pie isn't taking the hint, and as you take a pull at your glass, she nods with determination and hops up onto your cuddle couch.

"Welp, come over here then."

The nerve of this pony. "Pinkie, I am all cuddled out for the day, and as you may or may not have noticed, I have changed my business sign to "closed" to reflect the fact that I am not taking in any new clients today." You punctuate this by downing your drink in one go, relishing the burn in your throat as the cool liquid slides down.

"I'm not here to get cuddles, I'm here to give cuddles. Now come here." She pats the couch next to her.

>>27982481


It's going to be one of those things. You pour yourself another drink. "Pinkie, please go. I'm tired and I want a bath."

"Don't you want cuddles?"

"I am a professional cuddle therapist, for want of a better job title here in this silly technicolor world, so why would I want cuddles? Talk about a busman's holiday..." You walk back into your office, preparing yourself mentally to evict the pink pony by physical force, if necessary.

"And you do such a good job of it, taking care of Ponyville's lonely mares like that. But who takes care of you? You're always on your own."

You heave another sigh. "I take care of me. And I'm used to being on my own. I have been most of my life."

"Well," Pinkie says, turning her million-watt smile on you, "don't you think you deserve cuddles too?" She bats her eyelashes at you and pats the cushion next to her again.

You open your mouth to deliver a retort, but it dies unspoken. This was not how you expected to wind up this day.

"This isn't just a social call, Anon. Well, it is, but that's the point. All I ever see you do is work, work, work. You never come to my parties, you never visit your friends... Why, the only time I ever even see you outside of your house is when you're at the market getting groceries. What do you do with your time?"

"Relax, mostly." You wonder where this line of questioning is going, particularly since the alcohol you just consumed is starting to work on you.

"All by yourself? Is that even possible?" A giggle spontaneously erupts from her, causing you to frown slightly. Pinkie notices this and cuts herself off. "Look, Anonymous, apart from professional contact, you cut yourself off from everypony, and believe me, that's just not good for you. Now come over here," she repeats, patting the cushion once more. After a pause, she adds, "Please?"

>>27982485

If only to get some peace and quiet at some point, you acquiesce. "Alright." You set your drink down, then seat yourself on the couch, at a professional distance. "Come over here and lie down, then."

To your surprise, Pinkie shakes her head, her curly mane bouncing to and fro. "Uh-uh. You come over here and lie down." She holds out her forelegs invitingly, fixing her big blue eyes on you.

"What?" You actually struggle to grasp the concept.

"This time you're not giving, Nonny. You're receiving." As you hesitate, she reaches out and takes hold of your shoulder, gently guiding you to lie down until your head makes contact with her soft coat. Pinkie Pie follows up by wrapping one foreleg gently around your neck, and stroking your hair.

"There now, you see?" Pinkie says soothingly, "Doesn't that feel better?"

"Not exactly," you reply. Time for a professional critique. "Your technique is all wrong. Don't put your leg around someone's neck, it makes them feel threatened because you might cut off their breathing."

"Oh," Pinkie moves her foreleg down to your shoulders, and adjusts her position to compensate. "Better?"

"Slightly. Also, you'll find that most people don't like having their head patted. It's belittling, which is why I stick to the torso."

"Oh, uhm, got it." Pinkie changes position once more, and, slightly clumsily, rubs your chest.

You sigh in mock exasperation. "If you tried that with female clients, you might get punched. Well, female humans, anyhow."

"Huh?" Pinkie seems confused now. "Why?"

"On human females, that's where their teats are," you state matter-of-factly.

Pinkie blushes. "Oh! Ah, er, I didn't mean to.." She actually seems flustered. It's kinda cute.

>>27982467
>Old glimmerfag

ah, so on par with pinkiefags

>>27982491

"But you're also missing out on the key secret of a good cuddle." What the hell, you've come this far, may as well make a lesson out of it.

"Ummm, so what's the secret of a good cuddle?" Pinkie pries into your professional secrets, trying not to sound like she's prying into your professional secrets.

"Well, you need to hold the client so that they can hear your heartbeat."

"Oh, ah, ermm... could you sit up a bit? You're kinda heavy." She still sounds flustered, so you let her off the hook and oblige her, lifting your weight off her while she adjusts her position. "Okay."

You lay your head back down, and your ear clearly picks up the sound of Pinkie Pie's heart, which is beating a bit fast.

"Now, you need to relax as well. It doesn't help the client relax if you're all keyed up."

"Wow, there's so much more to this cuddle thing than I thought," Pinkie Pie admits. She closes her eyes and takes three deep breaths, and her heartbeat does indeed, slow a bit.

You're kind of impressed, you weren't sure if Pinkie Pie would be capable of slowing down.

From her new position she can't really reach your belly, so she settles for slowly rubbing your shoulders instead. It actually feels good. "How's this?" she asks with a bit of trepidation.

"Much better. But remember, it isn't just about how you cuddle. You have to be able to make a connection with your client-"

"But you're not my client, Nonny," she interrupts, giving you a hug, "you're my friend."

"Ah. So you're not going to charge me for this?"

The convulsions of her abdomen occasioned by her sudden laughter bounce your head around, such that you find yourself laughing too. This seems to set up a feedback loop, causing Pinkie to laugh harder, and you to laugh harder, until you finally break the cycle by sitting up.

>>27982460
Fuck you, I'm a gemtleman now. Seven universe here I come

>>27982498

Pinkie Pie gets herself under control, wiping away a tear from her laughing fit. "Of course not, silly. I'm giving you cuddles because, well, to be honest, you need a good cuddling."

With that, she scoots over to you and wraps her forelegs around you again, holding your ear to her chest as she rests her chin atop your head.

The side-by-side cuddling position seems to be less awkward for her, given your respective anatomical differences, so you allow her to continue.

Plus, it does feel good to be on the receiving end of cuddles, for a change.

There is a strange vibration in your skull, and you realize that Pinkie Pie is quietly humming, a soothing tune of her own invention. To your surprise, you find your arms instinctively encircling the pink pony.

After a bit, Pinkie stops humming and moves her head to look at your face. "Feel better now, Anon?"

You think about it.

"You know what, I do, actually. Not bad for a first-timer."

Pinkie giggles at this. "Well, first time cuddling you, anyhow. I've cuddled griffons, bunnies, kitties, Gummy, Rainbow Dash..." She hugs you again. "Everypony needs a good cuddle. It's no different for you, I think."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I have been little wound up." But you still smell like pony, although now there are scents of frosting and cotton candy mixed in as well, because Pinkie Pie.

You gently disengage yourself and stand up, stretching. "Thanks Pinkie, I needed that. If you'll excuse me now, I also need a bath."

"Want me to scrub your back for ya?" Pinkie asks, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

You respond with a light chuckle. "Boundaries, Pinkie. You need to respect your client's boundaries."

>>27982503

With a suddenness that startles you, Pinkie appears directly in front of you, all blue eyes and pink curls, her muzzle a mere fraction of an inch from your face.

"I told you, Nonny, you're not my client, you're my friend." And with that, she kisses you on the nose.

A quick, chaste peck, to be sure, but to your surprise you feel a flush rising under your collar.

"Ah, okay, P-Pinkie Pie," you stammer, "I believe you. But I really don't think we're at the bathing together stage of friendship, you know?"

She drops back onto all fours. "I know," she says, smiling a little wistfully.

"Ahem." You regain your composure and usher her to the door.

Pinkie Pie suddenly brightens. "Hey, you wanna come to a party tomorrow? After work?" Seeing your frown, she hastily adds, "Nothing big, just a friendly get-together and chill with friends."

Deep breath. Sigh. "Alright Pinkie, you convinced me. See you tomorrow, after work." You open the door for her and let her out, closing the door behind her.

On your stoop, Pinkie looks sadly at the door.

"It's a start. You may be alone now, Nonny, but one day I will convince you that you deserve to be loved, too."

With a new determination, Pinkie Pie hops towards Sugarcube Corner, her normal cheerful demeanor quickly reasserting itself.

END

>You're welcome for the bumps OP, you glorious winged faggot, you!

I just love fucking pinkieniggers in the thread proving everything I said right.

Looks like this autist is back, time to start reporting all his posts for spam not that i would do that lol

>>27982477
>>27982481
>>27982485
>>27982491
>>27982498
>>27982503
>>27982510

Not an argument

>>27982512

Happy to help, turbonigger!

>>27982519

Wasn't intended to be. Just shitting up your thread with some dreck copypasta'd from a shitty dead writefag. You're welcome.

>>27982514
>Boo hoo hoo he is not like my waifu so that makes him autistic and I have to ban him from having free speech because he don't agree that my waifu is best

Once again proving my point

>>27982541

>Everything proves my point
Maybe. But you seem to be the only one who cares.

>>27982541
Shitposting, trolling, and spamming are all against the rules. Please keep it up so the same thing will happen that happened last time.

>>27982616
Thanks for helping to keep this thread on the front page, faggot.

Bump.

Bumparino

>>27982840
kill yourself

>>27982845
No.

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>>27982460

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What's that? Did somebody say "Shitposting Thread"?

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>>27983683

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You're a BEE-YOTCH that likes mmm-bananas!

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Well, that's all the shitposting you have from me for this thread! If you wish to see more of my hilarious shitposting, please check up on threads like this again in the future! <3

>>27983916
Delete this

>>27982510
Good job.

>>27982510
comfy