FimFiction thread - Now with 61% more crossovers

Futaloo get

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http://www.fimfiction.net/story/335128/perspective

>>27715309
Never again.
Not until TDA comes back.

Do you ever read an old fic you've read quite some time ago and find cringey comments you made back then?

>>27716177
So never again then.

>>27716220
I learned early on to not comment. Im not the type to fanboi and most fimfiction users arent the type to gracefully accept criticism

Dead Thread

Futa Bloom get.

>>27716766
kek.
futabelle? check
futabloom? check
futaloo? never.

>>27710889
>Should the peotagonist be pony also or leave it as human?
If you make him a unicorn, it would really help to dig you out of the Mary Sue sand pit. He’d have a special talent and have to work and train his abilities. It wouldn’t seem so special or unique and wouldn’t leave readers scratching their heads wondering how and why an ordinary human gained special magical powers.

Leaving him as a human only leaves you with all of the issues you had and gives you nothing in return. There’s nothing left to wring out of “from a different world conflicts” that all the other HiE stories haven’t already.

>come from our universe
You still have the Mary Sue issues whether the character’s a human from Earth or a pony—ether way, he shouldn’t be able to use magic. I really think cutting the HiE elements entirely is your best bet.

>>27711641
If you keep the OC human, C). A human from our Earth can’t use magic and you do the standard HiE “fish out of water” plot. D) is the best option. You make the OC an Equestrian unicorn and cut all the HiE stiff entirely. Then the plot becomes about the OC exploring and training his special talent.

>>27711713
>its kinda the rules of fantasy stories
I have never seen such a rule employed in fantasy stories, fanfics or otherwise. And even if it was a rule, you’re the author. You can ignore it.

>>27711937
>first fic you remember reading
An EEnE “Eddy does a scam” story where Eddy swore like a motherfucker and broke my immersion as a result. First MLP fic was The Road Not Taken (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7468504/1/The_Road_Not_Taken), some edgy “Discord wins” oneshot written back at the start of S2.

Neither were good and yet I still got sucked onto the fanfic ride anyway.

>>27712030
Yet another reason I’m glad I didn’t read FO:E. Mouthpiece fics are always shit. No exceptions.

>> 27712575
I always figured T-rated gore meant blood, while M-rated gore meant viscera.

The first fic I remember reading was five score divided by four

>>27716273
I wish people would give my fics criticism. I feel like I'm only appealing to a very niche group of people that I really don't know much about, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing wrong (I know I have to be doing *something* wrong and I do have a few guesses as to what that is).

>>27713664

Send help pls

>>27717705
Start by writing up a character sheet laying out the new character's backstory and how it affected his/her personality and motives. This is preferable to just listing traits since it gives these traits context and fleshes them out. Also, put some thought into how characters interact with one another and form their dynamic. If you look at the mane six and examine them closely, you'll find that each one is a foil (character used as a catalyst for characterization of other characters) for all the others in some way. An example: Fluttershy is the femme to Rainbow Dash's butch, the introvert to Rarity's extrovert, the feeler to Twilight's thinker, the submissive to Pinkie Pie's assertive, and the sensitive to Applejack's stoic. They all work off each other in this sort of dynamic; every character in your main cast must compliment the others in some way.

If you want to get a good idea about character archetypes are used in group dynamics, TVTropes is a good place to start. It gets a lot of flak here, a lot of it justified, but its content is mostly good even if it's somewhat tainted by the cancerous community.

>>27717737
It's not about introducing a new character, but more like discovering one. I know how they'll behave, I know when they come in and how they meet, but not how to write it. I'm having trouble figuring out how they would interact and act to meet.

>>27717797
Just start writing. Don't worry about it being perfect the first time. You can always come back to it and fix what's wrong after some time passes. In fact, that's how you should approach any piece of writing at all.

>>27715019
I'm just reading the riff of Blooming Moon.
>the ivory equine said gently, her ephemeral rainbow mane spilling over her face and past her tall horn.
Holy shit, look at all those adjectives. Do people really think this is what good writing is? Just throwing adjectives at nouns? How does this shit get such great like/dislike ratios? Is it just that bronies like feeling smart and profound for reading fanfics full of needlessly long words and bad metaphors? What the hell happened to brevity being the soul of wit?

>>27717892
They read "The Picture of Dorian Gray" in third grade high school, think they're libbies and copy its writing style to be superior and be able to dismiss criticism as they're into the aesthetics movement.

>>27717896
I still don't get how it's so well-received. I'd get it if it was just an obscure handful of nobodies being pretentious, but that's not the case.

>>27717903
The others read "The Picture of Dorian Gray" in third grade high school, think they're libbies and like that writing style to be considered superior and be able to say they're in a fancy aesthetics movement.

I mean, we're talking about a website where people like Chink Azura, I guess they would like purple prose just to be considered superior to those plebs who don't make art to make art.

>>27717910
I've never even heard of Chink Azura. Google doesn't come up with anything either.

I guess I'm just a bit stupefied. My up/down ratios are god-awful by fimfic standards and I don't use purple prose, so seeing all these Barney-colored Mary Sue fics with top-notch ratings hits me on a personal level.

>>27717625
I gave up. you know those comment sections that look like
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:01
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:07
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:13
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:19
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:22
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:27
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:31
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:37
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:42
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:46
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:02:51
>Comment deleted by xXxAutisticSonicFan69xXx at 6/14/2013 02:03:20


those were the kinds of folks i was dumb enough to try helping out. When people beg for comments and criticism, 99% of the time they just want positive comments and no actual criticism.

I learned my lesson and just shut up. I may have made a half dozen comments since

>>27717966
Yeah, I get it. This is why I don't go around begging for feedback. Because, to be honest, I'm not great with handling criticism either. I hardly ever get any feedback one way or the other, and the only comments I've ever deleted were one that I, myself, made, but I'd probably have to fight to keep my spaghetti contained if some caustic critic came and ripped my stuff to shreds.

My best defense so far as just been to have a sense of humor and learn to laugh at myself. The problem a lot of fimfic authors have is they take themselves and their work too seriously. Which, ironically, makes them just that much more laughable.

>>27717892
If we don't specify that her horn is tall, the reader may get the wrong idea about her horn. And how else are we supposed to understand the character is carved from an elephant's tooth without specifying she's an ivory equine?

>>27717896
"libbies"?

Everyone be like "Hemingway the best, rarrgh!" and then spelling "Hemignway" with two m's, but the writing of the Victorian era is beautiful, effective writing and ought not be dismissed so casually.

"Ivory equine" is still atrocious, though.

>>27717932
Shinkazura? The autist who wrote AAG and is writing 7DSJ?

He barely does research for the subjects mentioned in his fics, which is even worse than purple prose imo.

>>27718002
Liberal Arts students, I call them libbies.

Of course the Aesthetics movement and Victorian era writing is amazing, but only when done right. I've read Dorian Gray and other books by Wilde, and they are very interesting because they choose the right words for it, instead of only spamming complicated ones or dull adjectives like Fimfic does.

Hemingway is also fine, but I stand more towards Orwell's guide to writing and the 6 rules.

>>27717892
>Just throwing adjectives at nouns?
people get told to show not tell and be more descriptive in their writing, to which they over compensate and start tacking on adjectives and adverbs everywhere

>>27717990
>I'd probably have to fight to keep my spaghetti contained if some caustic critic came and ripped my stuff to shreds
Thing is I wasnt even that caustic. Id point out inconsistencies, plotholes and suggest grammar corrections and they'd still sperg out

>>27718023
AEEEEEEEESSSSTHHHHHEEEEEEEETIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

FUCK YOU AND YOUR CONVENTIONS I'M AESTHETIC YOU CAN'T CRITICIZE ME I DO ART FOR ART FUCK YOU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU8HrO7XuiE

>>27718010
I've never read his stuff, but no research does sound like a pretty dire sin. Hell, I even try my best to get (fictional) saluting protocols right. Even for the social darwinist assholes who use the Nazi salute. I can't recall any other author who put that much care into something that's normally just used as shorthand for "these guys are evil and fascist".

>>27718023
Yeah, that sounds horrible. No story is without plotholes or inconsistencies, after all, so what's the deal with these guys taking it so personally?

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>>27718066
Oh, trust me, it's worse than that.

Using an English word as acronym for an organization in a place with 80% French speakers, half of which only speaks this language, and naming one of the high ranked officials in said agency after this delicious food.

We're the place who wants to ban the word "pasta" from Italian restaurants, so I doubt we'd even accept anything in our government being Anglo.

>>27718094
7DSJ iirc, I don't know if she mentions SIREN/SCaRS in AAG.

Great, now Chink somehow blocked me from commenting in her stories too. Now no one can even ask her why she chose to write the SCRS as SCaRS.

>>27718180
My guess is "because it's edgy".

And why do so many >100k word fics have most of their chapters have >10k words? It's like the authors have all self-imposed rule saying they can't write short chapters. Even 'The Immortal Game' is guilty of this and that one's actually pretty decent.

>>27718191
Having too many chapters just looks bad.

>>27718416
depending on the genre, id say having novel length chapters looks worse

>>27718191
Long fics have long chapters because the authors are too verbose.
The goal is not to reach 1,000,000 words, it's to tell a good story.

Is it in bad taste to have a background character have a secret one-sided crush on an obscenely evil OC villain? I promise it's played for laughs.

>>27719410
As always with comedy, it's not bad taste as long as it's funny.

>>27719410

>obscenely evil OC villain?

First, why is he black and not grey in morality?

Second, if he is black, why would any character like him? Doing so just makes him look like a "I do whatever I want, fuck you" Mary Sue.

If it's funny and for comedy, it's fine.

>>27719438
>why is he black and not grey in morality?
Because the heroes are the gray ones and I don't care for pitting gray against gray.

>Second, if he is black, why would any character like him?
I dunno, why do Sepiroth and Draco Malfoy get fawned over by thousands of nerdy fangirls throughout the world?

>>27719470
>why do Sepiroth and Draco Malfoy get fawned over by thousands of nerdy fangirls throughout the world?

Because they are dumb and edgy. Plus, Malfoy was shown to be reluctant towards his Deatheater job towards the end. Or it's just because people think they're sexy.

>>27719482
Exactly. That's what makes it good fodder for comedy. It's stupid and easy to poke fun at.

>>27718751
>The goal is not to reach 1,000,000 words, it's to tell a good story.
Lies. If you wanna win you gotta get the highest score

>>27719942
The highest score is number of views, also known as pandering to the My Little Dashie audience.

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>>27719956
No, you win like this.

>>27720975
You can do that by just following everything, though.

You know you're good when it's the other way around.
https://www.fimfiction.net/search/users?q=&s=followers

>>27720992
I barely follow anyone, it's just my groups sperging out threads by the hundreds.

bumper cars

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>mfw currently writing my villains discussing the need for Lebensraum
>mfw the bubbly, cutesy, affably evil OC I have still manages to make it sound adorable

>>27718010
>>27718080
>>27718180
Dude, chill the fuck out. You are fast approaching tumblr levels of [TRIGGERED].

>>27722563
What of I named your CIA "Los Cialos" since 50% of your population speaks Spanish, and I name your Delta Force's commander "Mr Transfat Burger High-fructose Syrup"?

>>27722563
It's becoming amusing.

>>27722577
That would be stupid. I would complain about how stupid it is. But then (and this is the part you seem to be missing) I would shut the fuck up about it, because most of the thread has already seen my opinion and there's no need to keep bitching about it in unrelated conversations.

>>27722563
>>27722577
As a Canadian, "Mr. Poutine" sounds like a reasonable nickname/codename for a Canadian agent.

>>27722563
Pointing out research flaws is considered being "[TRIGGERED]"?

Plus, he's a Quebecian, the same guys who tried to ban pasta from a restaurant. You can imagine how butthurt they would be about a research flaw.

>>27722627
Naming your director after a greasy fast food just seems off for an intelligence agency.

>>27722620
>Expecting a Canadian to stop shitposting

You've seen our Commonwealth friends the Aussies, how different from them did you think we were?

>>27722627
As a non-Canadian, Mr. Poutine sounds like a reference to Putin.

>>27722641
Look again: >>27718010
In the middle of a conversation about purple prose, Autie tried (and succeeded) to change the subject so he could complain about "Les Scars" and "Uncle Poutine", the exact same complaints he posts whenever 7DSJ comes up (and occasionally when it doesn't).

>>27722994
He didn't choose the name of McAutismo. He earned it, and he lived up to it.

>>27722577
I would fucking laaaaaaaaaugh!

It's fucking 7DSJ. If you're taking it seriously to begin with, you've gone off the rails somewhere.

I mean, okay, Shinzakura is a damn American I assume making all sorts of stupid assumptions about la belle Quebec, but that just makes her him look dumb.

>>27722586
I purposefully used "Les Scars" instead of "SCRS"/"CSIS" in the stuff I posted last thread, because I knew it would set him off

>>27722994
>>27723012

That's what you call working hard to earn things, anon.

>>27723259
B-but Canada is relevant and stronk...

>>27723290
Close your fucking browser and finish NH already.

>>27723302

One day.

It is 23:26 here after all.

>>27723469
It's 4:27 here, you have no excuse.

>>27723302
finish? hes still rewriting the prologue for the 87th time

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http://www.fimfiction.net/story/330018

>there will never be a sequel to Immortal Games.

>>27724304
Question, is this downvoted because of the content, of because it's poorly written?

>>27724404
Content. I skimmed it, reads like a decentish green
Just autists buttmad about their ships and occ

>>27724560
Imagine a fic where Mrs. Cake cucks Mr. Cake with a masked stallion as he watches helplessly.
Only to be revealed that the masked stallion is a Mirror Pool clone of Mr. Cake.

>>27724690
Stop it anon

>>27718080
Autismo, are you still seriously rustled by the Quebec acronym thing? It's been months. Even I soothe my fanfic justice system jimmies with a balm after a few weeks.

>>27719410
I think it's more bad taste having an obscenely evil OC villain. I suppose if it's a comedy fic you can play it up as part of the comedy, but there's still plenty of room for affable villains in comedies--just look at that Simpsons episode with the bond villain.

>>27725106
>an obscenely evil OC villain
is that a matter of perspective or a self admitted fact?

Is he evil because hes doing things that seem wrong from the protagonists point of view, or does he just twirl his mustache while wearing a black cloak and ending every sentence with 'Mwa-ha-ha'?

>>27725657
Matter of perspective. The villain, himself, doesn't buy into the whole 'good and evil' thing and couldn't care less either way.

>>27724560
NTR stories are for cucks only, though.
Are you a cuck, Anon?

Wordfilter pls don't work

>>27726019
I am not a cuck

>>27726019
Actually, they're really fun for triggering people.

>>27726133
That sounds like a really epic troll, Anon!

Is it okay to have ponies use serial numbers for identification purposes or is it too closely associated with the masterworks of Dakari-King Mykan?

>>27726259
Who?

>>27726290
The guy who wrote 'My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing' and 'My Brave Pony: Star Fleet Magic'.

>>27726259
I wouldn't know to associate it with that guy's stuff unless you told me. Have you actually read some of his shit?

In DOWAS the ponies are assigned serial numbers, in addition to their names. The main characters are officially known as "Fusion Pulse TC4668" and "Gravity Resonance TP5325".

>>27726302
Wrote what?

There's your answer.

>>27726307
I've read riffs of his stuff. It's completely horrible from a technical standpoint and borderline plagarism.

>>27726310
Yeah, thanks. This stuff was notorious in 2012 but it seems people forgot about it.

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>>27726328
>This stuff was notorious in 2012
I've never heard about it.

>>27726339
tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/MyLittleUnicorn

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>>27726259
what like registration/social security numbers/personal identification numbers, that sort of thing?

I dont think they have the level of bureaucracy needed for such a thing.

>>27726307
>In DOWAS the ponies are assigned serial numbers, in addition to their names
In DOWAS ponies are essentially livestock

Hell in hurricane fluttershy the roster didnt have names or numbers. Hell it didnt even list cutie marks. They used the silhouettes of ponies heads for chrissakes.

Yeah sure thats not really something to base anything on, but I'd still say theyre not bureaucratic enough to give every pony a number

What're your top 5 fics and why
personally I really only remember five score

Hey, would it be acceptable to write a fanfic where humans are essentially the reincarnations of ponies, but it has an in-universe explanation?

>>27726509
It's been done. There's a whole comic series about the major cast as humans who are reincarnations of their pony selves and it basically turns MLP into a magical-girl anime.

http://mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Friendship-Is-Magic-introduction-330419485

But hey if your idea takes it in a different direction, go for it.

>>27726509
Five Score also did this, more or less.

>>27726350
>In DOWAS ponies are essentially livestock
I figured something similar was true of anon's setting, since normally "serial number" refers to a number assigned to an inanimate object. Even livestock get "animal identification numbers", not "serial numbers": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Animal_Identification_System

>>27726567
>>27726602
Yeah, I know it's been done. But I'm planning on taking it in a different direction.

blemp

>>27726616
>Even livestock get "animal identification numbers", not "serial numbers"
I took that as a generic social security/personal ID question from some central european third worlder who chose the wrong word to use

>>27726259

I don't see why not, considering they're at about 1920-ish in technology. You could also go with their cutie marks.

>>27726350
I doubt you'd write down identification numbers for what is essentially an amateur show-off.

What color would a pony's mustache be? The only one I've seen were either grey or black, independent of the mane color, which would seem to go against usual facial hair color rules.

>>27728640
I would go with matching their mane/tail color, but honestly either is fine. Most ponies don't even have facial hair in the show, so you're free to just make up your own rules.

I'm thinking of naming a magic proof cage Far-Away cages, in reference to Faraday. Do you think Fimfic will get it, or they'll just shit on me for choosing a random name?

>>27729007
I get the reference to Faraday, I think that much is obvious, but does Far-Away have a double meaning, or is it just because it looks the same?

>>27729021
Far-Away as keeping magic far away, and Faraday.

What could be good names then?

>>27729026
To be pointlessly pedantic, a faraday cage just keeps the field "outside", not far away.
Imo the name is not bad, but if you want to play it safe you could always fall back on a good old cheap horse pun.

>>27729048
I know how a Faraday cage works, but it's really a figurative sense when saying the cage keeps magic far away from you.

I can't really find any good horse puns though.

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Okay, maybe having both Shimmer and Glimmer as main cast characters was a mistake.

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>>27729154
Why?

>>27729166
There ain't enough space for two sexy magic masters in a single fic.

>>27729166
Because my new fic already has a bunch of red flag triggering content without having to deal with the sheer condensed autism that are the nu-Shimmer and nu-Glimmer fanbases. It's getting downvoted like mad.

>>27729182
Valid reason.

>>27729195
What the fuck did you do that could actually piss anyone off this badly?

>>27729195
Why are they downvoting? Does anyone say something in the comments?

>>27729204
Just off the top of my head:
>Nazi-esque alicorn OC's
>Shimmer being a bitch
>Glimmer being a bitch
>Trixie being a bitch
>Luna being a bitch
>Twilight being dead
>Celestia being banished
>Lightning Dust being a bloodlust-crazed psycho for hire
>shipping Rarity with Blueblood (in a loveless marriage no less)
>shipping Fluttershy with Big Mac
>killing Shining Armor in the first chapter
Or it could be something I did that I didn't even consider could piss someone off. You know how autists are.

Don't ask me to justify this stuff here. It'd take forever to do it right.

>>27729207
I haven't gotten a single comment so far.

Someone link me to the cutest/comfiest story you've ever read.

>>27729267
>Just off the top of my head:
Well, that's, uh
Intriguing

>You know how autists are.
H-haha, yeah...

>>27729267
>Nazi-esque Alicorn OC
>Alicorn OC

>Shimmer, Glimmer and Trixie being bitches

Shimmer and Trixie work if it's AU, otherwise it is ridiculous

>Luna
>A bitch

>Twilight ded

Awesome.

>Celestia banished

How and why?

>Rest

The fuck is this about?

>>27729414
>Alicorn OC
Justified in a previous fic. Also Glimmer is an alicorn. Again, properly explaining it all here would take too long.

>Shimmer and Trixie work if it's AU
Yeah it's AU.

>Luna
Actually she's more of a 'acts like a prick but ultimately wants to do the right thing' sort of deal.

>How and why?
Went crazy over Twilight dying and started wrecking shit until everyone else decided she was more trouble than she was worth. I won't go further than that.

>The fuck is this about?
This is taking place in the grim darkness of the near future where things have been going down the toilet for a while. Again, explaining, too long.

>>27729478
>Went crazy over Twilight dying

I mean, she did live more than one thousand years, maybe even dozens of thousands of years. If she did this every time someone close to her died, she would have been banished much sooner.

Why does she care so much for Twilight when she didn't go around wrecking shit when she banished her own sister?

>>27729478
gib link

>>27729506
>Why does she care so much for Twilight when she didn't go around wrecking shit when she banished her own sister?
I don't know, why does she care so much for Twilight that she made her an alicorn when she's undoubtedly had countless other students over the past thousand years?

Twilight's kind of a broken character. Faust didn't intend for her to be an alicorn this early in the game, anyway. I really do like her, but she gets way too much plot favoritism.

>>27729551
Eh. It's not like things could get worse.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/326927/the-fractured-realm

And before anyone says anything, yes, I know this fic and the one before it have more edges than a block of Bismuth. It's a guilty pleasure.

>>27729580
>why does she care so much for Twilight that she made her an alicorn

What did Cadence do then? Plus, I doubt you'd value your student over your own sister and previous ally, unless you got a serious problem.

>>27729606
Cadence was also very recent, relatively speaking. Seems to me like Celestia's gotten way too liberal with handing out godhood.

>>27729625
You still didn't handle the fact she values her new student more than her sister.

>>27729635
Luna wasn't killed. She was banished. Plus, it was for the good of the realm, whereas Twilight's death really wasn't good for anyone. Plus, there's the way Twilight died and the way Celestia got news of it, but I won't get into that.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/335456/a-satirical-unoriginal-mistake
Rate. Hate. Flagellate. Leave a comment if you want, mate.

>>27729901
>renaming your account
Well, I mean, I guess that solves the one problem. But you probably shouldn't have renamed it to refer to a character in a different one of your stories.

>>27729954
Maybe. But at least that story isn't ongoing like the one I'm working on continually. What did you think of the story I asked to be rated?

>>27729672
>Plus, it was for the good of the realm

Killing your best friend to save the world doesn't remove any of the grief. Just tell us how it happens, because otherwise the story doesn't make sense.

>>27730065
>Just tell us how it happens
Here's the gist of it. Twilight gets in a fight and loses. Then Twilight's mangled corpse gets sent to Celestia with a forged letter of mockery over it as part of a false flag operation to goad her into declaring a war. This triggers a state of delusion and paranoia in her mind, with her royal staff's well-meaning but misguided attempts to help her only getting her deeper into her broken mental state, until it gets so bad that she's beyond saving and she can barely function anymore. So then Luna has to take over as head of state.

This probably makes it sound more ridiculous than it really is, but hey, those are the breaks.

>>27730130
>Twilight gets into a fight and loses

With whom? She has been shown to be the equal of Starlight Glimmer in an one-on-one fight in the S5 finale, and those are the two most powerful ponies we know other than the three other alicorn.

>Her mangled corpse gets sent to Celestia with a forged letter of mockery

No one checks the princess's mail before it gets sent to her? She just got it with the letter?

>false flag op to goad her into declaring war

Why not just declare war directly with them? And you are talking about the world's main superpower, with the only ones being able to defeat them being near gods, in addition to probably being the only ones on their continent seeing the lack of interaction of any part with another civilization, giving the enemy no territorial claims. What were they thinking?

>Celestia immediately gets paranoid and starts deluding

Psychology doesn't simply work by "Someone died, mind snaps". Plus, you would think someone of her age would have learned to deal with such circumstances, considering what she has gone through.

She had to witness her Equestria get torn apart by a chaotic almost godly being twice with Tirek and Discord, had to banish her own sister to the moon for a thousand years and rule over the kingdom for even more time. I don't think her mind would break so easily, even with her student dying. Depression and rage is of course predictable, but delusion and paranoia to the point of getting banished by her subjects seems far fetched.

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>tfw I have the final presentatio of the first stage of my thesis next Saturday
>tfw whenI suddenly get an idea to break my writer's block on a story I've been stuck for several months.
Confound these ponies.

You were going to let the thread die, weren't you?

I need help with something I wrote.
Okay, so here is the gist of it.
The stallion confesses his love to his mare, who shares his love. However, the mare is in heat, and the stallion is too busy one moment to help her, sending her to talk with his two friends, one of them exceptionally well at convincing people to do his bidding. The mare is convinced, but feels bad about it, and has sex with the friend to relieve herself. The stallion finds out and gets drunk, the mare dragging him up to the shower
She begins to clean him until they kiss and then begin having sex, make up sex if you will, to make up for what the mare did. The stallion is still feeling betrayed, but obliges and has sex with her. Afterwards, when isn't as drunk as before, they have a talk and the stallion wants to try again, despite what happened. But, it will start problems in the relationship later on.

And this happens in the span of a day.

Please tell me if this is okay or what I can do to make it better than it what it is. I don't want to rewrite the past few chapters, but I truly have to if it's that bad, please let me know. It would be much appreciated.

>>27733177
"I love you" he says.
"Wow! Ilove you too. Oh and my reproductive cycle is at the point where I'm fertile and very receptive to the seed of a stallion. Wanna fuck, lover?" she asks.
"Well normally I would, but theres a new Angry Joe review on youtube I really want to watch. Why don't you go ask those 2 black stallions that always hang out on the street corner? I'm sure they'll fuck you, my love"
"OK, sweetie, they'll knock me up for sure then I'll come back here and you'll be forced to raise my bastard foals"

Am I getting this right? have you actually thought about this?

>>27726259
>use serial numbers for identification purposes
If the context is right, sure. I can only see the proper context being a dystopian bureaucracy, though.

>Dakari-King Mykan
No idea who this is.

>>27726509
So, Five Score but without the Discord explanation?

You'd have a hard time getting it past the mods.

>>27729007
>Far-Away cages
Kind of a stretch. It really has to be a species pun in order to rename it.
>Faradam
>Farrierday
>Faraneigh
I like Farrierday the most, myself.

>>27729267
>Nazi alicorn OCs
>everyone's unlikable
>Lightning Dust is a psychopath meme
>using one of the most hated ships
>killing someone off in the first chapter
Yikes. You weren't kidding about the red flags.

>>27729580
Oh, it's the Cover Art anon.

>>27733177
>I love you
>I love you, too
>Great! I'm in heat, let's have sex
>Nah, I can't. I'm busy. Why don't you talk to my male friends instead?
Are you seeing the flaw? The stallion's either dense as neutronium, or he's a literal cuckold.

>>27733276
>So, Five Score but without the Discord explanation?
>You'd have a hard time getting it past the mods.
No, there would be an explanation; and there would be multiple pony-related things in the first chapter.

>>27733276
>You'd have a hard time getting it past the mods.
There are no mods anymore.

>>27730892
I didn't want to get into this. There is way too much to explain to cover up all these questions, and the more I'm forced to say, the more likely it is I'll say something stupid.

>>27733276
>it's the Cover Art
... I'll have to buck up and have cover art commissioned if I want decent publicity, huh?

>>27733781
>have cover art commissioned if I want decent publicity
Not writing retarded shit might help just a smidge too

>>27733813
>Not writing retarded shit might help just a smidge too
Where do you think you are?

>>27733813
Yeah, but I don't want to just do what everyone else does. Writing crazy grimdark horse fics is my forte, and I wouldn't trade it for all the upvotes in the world.

>>27733781
>and the more I'm forced to say, the more likely it is I'll say something stupid.

That means you haven't thought the whole thing through and you deserve the downvotes.

>>27733631
So is this a crackfic?

>>27734062
No. It doesn't. It just means I don't want to waste my time on yet another argument on 4chan. But hey, if you can convince me that getting this dead thread for lazy cynics to laud my idea as the best thing since the second coming of Jesus is worth the effort, I'll put in the effort.

>>27734132
Look, if you're afraid of telling us something stupid while explaining your story, you have done something seriously wrong somewhere when planning it, and don't have the full idea. Otherwise, you'd be happy to explain why your idea is good, and how it isn't as flawed as I pointed earlier.

>>27734116
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28452/they-walk-among-us

I'm not completely sure, but it is leaning in that direction. Bill Gates leads the resistance fighting both queen celestia and the forces of black wesa. Gordon freemare is apparently a hazard suit wearing human turned mare, and a time travelling alien turned up for a joke and hasnt been mentioned again

but as fucking goofy as it it, it could just be written by a moron

In addition to RD tri-wielding katanas, flutterbutter has a double bladed great axe

>>27734161
>HiE
>seventh Element
>150k words
Why you're even reading this is beyond me,

>>27734142
There's a difference between having a good idea and arguing it effectively, which I'll readily admit I doubt I could do, just because I suck at debate. Actually putting fourth a solid case for it would require writing an essay and putting it through several revisions over a fair bit of time to make sure I haven't said anything dumb, because this is in the context of a fairly long fic with a fair bit of worldbuilding behind it. Though, if you want to go through that whole thing and poke holes in it, that's perfectly fine.

That, and I'm a bit sauced. It's hard not to say stupid things when you're sauced.

>>27734168
it was either this, blooming moon, or the chase.

I went for the least painful option

>>27734188
>I doubt I could do
*in this format

>>27734188
Okay, maybe later then. As it stands though, your idea is still flawed and gaping with issues, and unless you can argue otherwise, it's going to stay the same to me.

And you don't need to write an essay to argue about it. I pointed out four valid points in >>27730892, which require only a basic response from you in order to be resolved:

How did Twilight get defeated, and by whom?

Why did Celestia just receive her student's corpse without anyone verifying her mail?

Why did anyone want to declare war against Equestria in the first place?

Why did Celestia, who has without a doubt gone through hundreds of griefs, including that one knowing she banished her own beloved sister, just snap like that when her newest student dies?

>>27734273
Look, I'll try to address your points, because they are perfectly valid. But I can't guarantee that the answers will be perfect simply because they'll bring up more questions than answers due to the lack of context.

>How did Twilight get defeated, and by whom?
In a fight. By Starlight's bodyguard/guide, who died of his injuries immediately after.

>Why did Celestia just receive her student's corpse without anyone verifying her mail?
It was direct-to-receiver, a bit like the friendship letters Twilight used to send her back when she wasn't an alicorn.

>Why did anyone want to declare war against Equestria in the first place?
The false-flag was to get Equestria to a declare war against the evil empire so Starlight could have an ally who'd make the empire easier to conquer.

>Why did Celestia, who has without a doubt gone through hundreds of griefs, including that one knowing she banished her own beloved sister, just snap like that when her newest student dies?
It wasn't as simple as 'she just snapped'. It got her started down a slippery slope, and her royal staff's regular attempts to help her backfired constantly, because as well-intentioned as they were, they weren't expert therapists, and psychology as a science has hardly advanced beyond the 19th century (in the context of our own world).

>>27729954
>renaming your account
What did they change it from?

>>27734354
>By Starlight's bodyguard/guide

Starlight was Twilight's equal. I don't think her bodyguard stands any chance against Twilight. You are talking about an alicorn after all.

>Equestria to a declare war against the evil empire so Starlight could have an ally
>Starlight
>Random mare who was in a hole somewhere in Equestria
>Posing any serious threat to Equestria

And what evil empire? The changelings got rekt in ACW. Discord is reformed, Tirek is defeated and so was Sombra.

>She started down a slippery slope

Do you think Twilight was the only student she valued this much during all her life? Do you think she never lost any other being very close and important to her? Why are writers thinking grief is still a thing Celestia will struggle to handle when she saw literally every pony she knows die during a thousand years or more?

>>27734354
>psychology as a science has hardly advanced beyond the 19th century (in the context of our own world).
And by this, I mean expert therapists don't exist. Anywhere. At all. Not even for the immortal alicorn dictator. They're just not a thing. Which would also explain a lot of the events that happen in canon imo.

>>27734379
Moonlight xiii

and your next question will of course be 'who?' and that I have no answer for

>>27734392
>Immortal alicorn dictator

Which means the immortal alicorn dictator saw everyone she liked and loved die during her immortal life, and has learned to handle grief so that what happens in your fic doesn't.

>>27734391
>Starlight was Twilight's equal. I don't think her bodyguard stands any chance against Twilight.
Her bodyguard is a better fighter than she is. Yes, I know that sounds Stu-ish, but there's an explanation for it: He's a native of the evil empire, where all stallions are trained from a very young age up to adulthood in a Spartan-style training regimen where you either become a top-notch fighter, or you die. This actually means the empire, itself, has a small but very elite army of unicorn soldiers who are all at least on par with Starlight.

Of course, how he actually came to defect from the empire and become Starlight's companion is a whole other thing with its own explanation.

>>Random mare who was in a hole somewhere in Equestria
An evil war-god gave her an army made of rock in return for her servitude.

>And what evil empire?
It's an OC faction. And this is an AU where Discord is still a statue. There are a few other deviations from canon as well.

>Do you think Twilight was the only student she valued this much during all her life?
Because she's the only student of hers whom she made an alicorn. I'm well-aware that it doesn't make a lot of sense that Twilight should be that super-super special to her, but a lot of the things *in canon* that surround Celestia don't make sense, so I figured this would be within the realm of willing suspension of disbelief.

>>27734474
this all sounds just awful

>>27734522
Eh. It's an evil vs. evil conflict set in a crapsack world from the onset. If you don't like the concept, I don't blame you.

>>27734474
> she's the only student of hers whom she made an alicorn
>Who is Cadence

And no, having an immortal ruler who has seen every one of her subject die somehow go crazy because of a single student isn't realistic at all.

>>27734630
This is just something we'll have to disagree on. I get where you're coming from. I really do. But I think that it's believable, even if it doesn't seem all that likely, and there's just a point where a reader should suspend his disbelief and accept that unlikely things happen in fiction for the sake of storytelling.

If it means anything, in execution, Celestia' descent into madness happens in the background so as to leave its details to the reader's imagination. Because it is admittedly an unlikely thing that I don't think I could portray sympathetically, and because those details aren't plot-relevant.

>>27734670
> those details aren't plot-relevant.

Something at the base of your story isn't plot relevant? No wonder the plot itself isn't relevant then.

It's the same as:

>I'm writing an AU where Equestria becomes Fallout
>But I won't tell you the details of how this came to happen, it's not plot relevant.

Or

>Oh, Twilight and her friends got the elements of harmony and changed history
>But I won't go into the details of how they got and reacted to it, since it isn't plot relevant.

>>27734945
>Oh, Twilight and her friends got the elements of harmony and changed history
Because the show really goes into clinical detail in showing the shift in Luna's psychological state as she became so jealous of her sister that she decided to overthrow her and make the night eternal. Right. It's totally not glossed over in a glorified slideshow or anything. I'm sure Lauren Faust had a team of professional psychologists advising her on this deep, detailed five-hour evaluation of the psyche of a jealous immortal royal in a little girls cartoon.

>>27735336
>I'm sure Lauren Faust had a team of professional psychologists advising her

Then why can't you just go do some research on how people react to grief to make your story better? Why would the element which changed everything in your story, Celestia snapping and being banished, be skimmed over like an unimportant detail?

FiM isn't even about Luna or any of the vilains, but it still shows their mindsets and reasoning in detail so we can believe them. Your story doesn't do that, so it sounds like

>Here's that epic war fic I wrote, read it! You'll love it!
>Oh, I forgot to mention the reason the war happened is because Celestia went mad, but don't worry, it's not action so it's useless to the plot

Try expanding much more on that before writing your fic. Stories aren't pure action, the real hooker is how you relate to characters, how you understand or not their actions, how their emotions shape their choices and mindsets, not that pegasi bashing a skull as the first thing ever happening in it.

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canada more relevant than pologne

>>27729267
You deserve to be downvoted.

>>27729580
Hey, Legionfag is back.

>>27735367
This does not justify you having fat mantits, Quebecanon.

>>27733276
>>27733217
Okay, maybe it is stupid, but I guess I didn't explain it fully.
The stallion and mare are both part of the guard, along with three other ponies, one being a manipulative user which is the other stallion, but the stallion that confesses his love does not know this.

Let's call the stallion that confesses his love Jim, the mare Jen, and the manipulator stallion Frank.

Jim nearly died by a really powerful creature, that messed with his mind, and he is in a fragile state because of it. Jen and Frank, along with the other two ponies find him. Jim confesses his love without a second thought because he thought he was going to. Jen confesses her love back. Jim's armor is destroyed however, so they need to get it fixed. They head back to Canterlot to get it fixed and rest. Jim and Jen take a shower and have sex while during heat, Jen forces him to cum inside in a spur of the moment. Afterwards, he's pissed and doesn't want to do it again. Hours later, he finally goes to go get his armor fixed, but Jen is horny again. He's reluctant because of what happened last time, so he promises her he will help her with it after he gets his armor fixed. When he does, Jim finds Jen with the manipulative stallion known as Frank. Jim leaves, gets drunk, and finds out what happens.

Jim reeks of booze and so Jen drags him up to the shower to clean him. Jim, in his drunken state, gets horny. Jen is guilty for cheating on him, so she tries to help him with his arousal. They do, and afterwards, they have a talk. He wants try again with the promise that neither of them trust each other and don't keep any secrets from each other, and if one needs help, help them. Jim finds Frank and beats his ass for fucking Jen, before telling him to stay away from her, which is hard considering they're all on the same guard squad.

And once again, this all happened in a day.

If you need more information, then let me know.

>>27735420
>The stallion and mare are both part of the guard

Fraternization or close relationships are not permitted within most armies iirc.

The end.

>>27735420
>with the promise that neither of them trust each other
well... ones a slut, the others a drunkard so neither one trusting the other is the only beliebable bit in there

>>27735420
>>27735443
My bad, only concerns on-duty personnel.

Also

>Mare
>In heat
>Horny directly after a relationship

She seems really like a slut. I'd expect what happens to happen at any time.

>>27735357
>FiM isn't even about Luna or any of the vilains
Just like mine isn't about Celestia.
>but it still shows their mindsets and reasoning in detail so we can believe them
It doesn't. The freudian excuses get a minute or two at the very most. For pacing, and for conservation of detail, two other reasons for me not hefting on another 50k words explaining the minutiae of her mental trauma.
> not that pegasi bashing a skull as the first thing ever happening in it.
Now, what's wrong with action prologues? A Song of Ice and Fire has them, and that has some of the most intricate characterization and worldbuilding out there. I'm not saying I'm as good as G.R.R. Martin but starting with action is a perfectly valid way to set up a hook.
And there's plenty of characterization and establishing motives. I put a fair bit of thought into the personalities and motives of all my characters; the chart I made specifically for that is longer than most fics on fimfiction. The second and third chapters are actually very dialogue-heavy.

And just for the record, I'm not advertising my story here. Someone asked me to link it, and I made it explicit that I wasn't expecting to change any minds by arguing the point, which I'm mainly doing out of semi-drunken boredom.

>>27735502
Okay, let's read that first chapter of yours.

First, air force squadrons don't identify themselves by "Number one" or anything like that. They identify by "(Squad name)(Number)" to avoid confusion between multiple squadrons in flight.

>Power armor

Now, you're going to tell me how the fuck pegasi fly clad with heavy metal armor with an integrated electronics system implying the material is thick enough to protect them from magic, and how they maintain mobility.

And Lightning Dust's behavior towards death seems a bit excessive, psychopathic if I dare say.

>but hearing her power-armor talk to her was too cool for her to pass up.

Thought she, before a pony stabbed her in the flank while she was enjoying her armor's sexy voice and was unaware of her surroundings.

>She got new ones every mission

What kind of stupid army does this? You can't just switch around squadrons every mission for different ponies to command. You keep teams together so they learn about each other and accustom themselves to work together. They'll fly different missions, but not in different squadrons every day. There's a reason pilots and soldiers serve in the same group for most of their life.

>Your supreme ruler, we must retrieve the Crystal heart
>we have our special forces team, trained to be the best of the best and for those covert missions, who can get in and out without a noise thanks to their light apparel.
>Or we have that psychopath and her team wearing big clunky power armor

>Metal-clad elite guard
>When each of them can probably raise a shield on their own, negating the need for heavy armor which would slow their movements

There's a difference between elite troops and shock troops.

>Shining teleports
>Blade teleports behind him

u wot

Other than that, you're not only starting with an action prologue, but introducing several facts (Power armor, the war, the SS) without any explanation for them. It just feels extremely boring and pointless action.

>>27735443
>>27735457
>>27735466
I don't know. I mean, I plan on this bringing problems up in the future, and not having the mare cheat on him again because she genuinely feels guilty. I do, however, plan on having the stallion cheat on her because he develops into a bitter, spiteful asshole. I guess I should also mention that they had a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship before they confessed.

>>27735593
>air force squadrons
I'm aware of this. Lightning Dust isn't in any kind of military per se (it's more of a 'paramilitary crack squad' for lack of a better term), and the actual air troops in this universe are based more on (but aren't direct copies of) army units mainly because the function they serve is closer to scout and paratrooper units than any sort of air unit from our own armed forces.

>how the fuck pegasi fly
If we're bringing real-world physics into this, they shouldn't even be able to fly naked. That said, the armor has frames on the wings for protection and slight performance enhancement.

>What kind of stupid army does this?
This gets explained in more detail in the fourth chapter which isn't out yet, but there are several reasons for her employers to do this despite the drawbacks you just mentioned. Mostly for security reasons. Her employers are pretty keen (perhaps even overzealous) on keeping her Unity affiliation (among other things) a secret and ensuring her loyalty. This is by no means normal protocol for any other unit.

>>Blade teleports behind him
The intent was to show that the blade got stuck in his jaw from the front before he was able to flash away. I'm not sure what through you off (though I'm guessing it was LD's morbid joke) but I'm more than willing to fix it.

>introducing several facts (Power armor, the war, the SS) without any explanation for them
Yeah, that was the risk I took when I went with the action approach to hook-setting. They'll be elaborated on in later chapters.

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>this entire discussion
Why do they always end up like this in this thread?

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>>27735797
>Complaining about lots of text in a literal fan fiction thread
>Being this much of a grommet

>>27735816
I prefer when text is used to say something actually meaningful.

>>27735792
it only sets the hook and gets people to continue if it is interesting and makes sense. what youre doing is saving people time by being batshit from the get go which simply gets people to close the tab halfway through chapter one

>>27735840
Fair enough. I was under the impression that having an action-packed first chapter that set up the driving question of the story from the start would get people interested, but that's clearly not the case.

Any tips for making it better? I'm actually kinda glad I'm getting some real feedback for once.

>>27735822
Well why don't you go over to >>>/his/ and have a blast?

>>27735921
Is this supposed to be an insult or something?

>>27735792
>Paramilitary group has access to the most recent power armor even Equestria doesn't have

Uh huh.

>air troops in this universe are based more on army units

>Hey, number one, go assault that tower!
>sure thing commander!
>Hey, you're not number one! He's number one!
>who, me?
>No, the guy in the 350th Airborne!
>I'm 351th
>I'm 343th
>WHO THE FUCK IS MY NUMBER ONE?

This is why you don't refer to ponies by numbers.

>If we're bringing real-world physics into this

Except this isn't real-world physics. Canon has shown pegasi to fly with light leather armor, not metal suits.

> the armor has frames on the wings for protection and slight performance enhancement.

Then it wouldn't change fuckall, except for the wings being encased and moving slower because of the added weight of the armor's frame.

>Security reasons

Please stop with this meme, seriously. You can't just do anything for "security reasons". You can't just switch around people in squadrons like you wish, even for security reasons, because they'll work with people they don't know and don't trust, opposite to what happens if you keep them in an intimate, close group.

>The intent was to show that the blade got stuck in his jaw from the front before he was able to flash away

But Shining Armor teleports himself, not the blade. He would have gotten to the other side with a hole in his throat, or unharmed. Plus, you just killed one of the main characters from the get-go without justification. Even worse, he is one of the more powerful ones, and he got killed by a random pegasi mercenary.

>action approach to hook-setting

Action isn't hook. Emotions and intrigue are. By just shoving these shit into our faces, you just make your reader think:

>The fuck is this story? How does he even justify this madness? Hey, did he just kill one of my favorite characters?

This intrigues the reader in no way, and is probably one of the reasons of your downvotes.

>>27735896
>Any tips for making it better?

Intrigue, emotions, intrigue.

Instead of:

>BOOM BOOM BOOM
>BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD
>AU AU AU

Go with how it started, how it's going, something calm enough for some expo dialog. Make us want to know what will happen next, and be interested by the story. Otherwise, we don't have any interest in what happens to your characters.

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It's time for your daily dose.

>>27735896
In medias res works when the viewer either already has a grasp on things or can make educated guesses.

Jumping straight into an action scene in an extreme AU where up is south, black is paisley and right is left is extremely jarring to someone not expecting it and would likely leave the readers wondering if this is part of a verse or the sequel to something

>>27736025
It is a sequel though, according to Decanus.

>>27736043
this is a sequel to the dipshit phoenix?

Why didnt he just say that to begin with? We could have not discussed this shit, mocked his cover art and have had a dozen or two hilarious photochops of his cover by now

>>27736086
I guess I wanted to shit on fics rather than reinstall PE12.

>>27735989
OF AUTISM

>>27735940
>Uh huh.
Power-armor is pretty rare for the Unity, too.

>This is why you don't refer to ponies by numbers.
Again, no proper unit does this. It's just this crack squad that does it.

>Except this isn't real-world physics.
So I don't see the point in arguing it.

>except for the wings being encased
And protected from projectiles and shrapnel. Wings are a good target for a unicorn with decent aim.

>You can't just switch around people in squadrons like you wish
It's just a squad. A fairly small one at that. And the formation of an intimate, close group is exactly what they're trying to avoid, since it makes it less plausible for LD to convince her squad to join her in any sort of betrayal or desertion. Her loyalty is maintained because there's a small chance her brainwashed squadmates will frag her if she even mentions betraying her superiors, and a pretty decent one if she actually tries to do so.

I know it's cancer to their combat effectiveness, but her employers care more about having loyal soldiers than having effective ones.

>But Shining Armor teleports himself, not the blade.
Talking about the plausibility of either theory would require some canon source on how unicorn teleportation works. But I won't say you're wrong on that.

>you just killed one of the main characters from the get-go without justification
I didn't think SA was considered a main character and I figured having LD kill him would be fair use of the worf effect.

>>27736086
It said so right there in the description.

And I'll join you in mocking my cover art if you want.

>>27736025
>In medias res works when the viewer either already has a grasp on things or can make educated guesses.
Lesson learned, then. Although I did expect people to give it a bit of leeway when I mentioned it was a sequel.

>>27736129
>Power-armor is pretty rare for the Unity, too.

Then why the fuck would they give any to the mercenaries?

>No proper unit does this
>Crack squad 2kul4conformity

>Wings encased
>Heavy as fuck
>Cannot flap wings

Congratulations, you've grounded your pegasi fleet.

>And the formation of an intimate, close group is exactly what they're trying to avoid

And this is why they will be the worse group out there that ever existed. No one trusts each other, no one knows how to work with each other, everybody is fucked.

>since it makes it less plausible for LD to convince her squad to join her in any sort of betrayal or desertion

Unless they're doing something horribly wrong, why would they be worried about desertion in the first place? I'm assuming the group pays its members very well and that all of its members have joined on their own will, so what is the problem?

>care more about having loyal soldiers than having effective ones.


A quote from Mr. Tzu:

>Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

As long as they treat their soldiers well, they have little to no trouble keeping them by their sides. Congratulations, you have one of the least effective and least coordinated groups out there.

>some canon source on how unicorn teleportation works

Unicorn can either teleport alone or teleport someone along with them is all we have. Since no object in her nearby radius (Ex: in the "Ready for this" song, where she teleported over lotuses and touches them without teleporting them with her), I think it's safe to assume ponies only teleport themselves and nothing else.

>I didn't think SA was considered a main character

He's Twilight's brother and Cadence's husband, and you killed him in 1000 words without any warning, while also making the task ridiculously easy for a bunch of random mercenaries having no mastery of magic.

>>27736129
>Power-armor is pretty rare for the Unity, too.
Are you guys talking about Fallout Equestria again?

>>27736221
Decanus has a fic where mercenary pegasi fly in power armor.

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>>27736228
The Enclave has power armor as well, so he wasn't the first one with this idea.

>Today in Fimfiction Thread: Tiger Fucking Tanks V2, Legionary Boogaloo

>>27736242
I still don't get how they can lift this armor and still be mobile enough, unless it's some new magical lightweight alloy.

Leather vests as the ones in the show seem to imply that pegasi can only fly with that much of a load, and have a limit to what they can carry up.

>>27736210
>Then why the fuck would they give any to the mercenaries?
Because they're a crack squad for the top general, outside the normal hierarchy. It it was just a normal squad, they'd be lucky to get a full suit of chainmail, and they definitely wouldn't be doing these sorts of missions.

>Wings encased
Not really encased. It just frames the muscle and bone parts of the wings on the top. Fully encasing them would be silly.

>I'm assuming the group pays its members very well and that all of its members have joined on their own will
The thing is this is an Orwellian dystopia where anyone doing anything with good payment or on their own free will is a bit of a rarity. LD is the only one who's well-paid and works on her own free will. The others do it basically because their boss told them to, under the usual threats Orwellian dystopias hand out to curb disloyalty.

>I think it's safe to assume ponies only teleport themselves and nothing else.
But is he not teleporting his armor as well? Would he not leave his armor there too if this was always the case?

>He's Twilight's brother and Cadence's husband, and you killed him in 1000 words without any warning, while also making the task ridiculously easy for a bunch of random mercenaries having no mastery of magic.
Huh. Well, thanks for putting things into perspective. It seems like my attempt at invoking the worf effect has actually put a terrible strain on willing suspension of disbelief.

>>27736303
It's a mercenary organization, which can change side at any moment, depending on the offer. They could just ask the enemy if they wanted the latest piece of technology, and get plenty of money from that, since there's no way they wouldn't pay them for such an important piece of information.

>Wings framed

So, mechanical frame? Good luck if that thing needs lube during combat, or if it freezes and clogs with all the mud encountered during any operation.

>Orwellian dystopia

For what purpose?

>LD is the only one who's payed well

You know this is a mercenary paramilitary organization, right? It's not your normal conscript center. Most paramilitaries have excellent training and pays, due to the fact it's a full-time job and not a conscription. If your soldiers are conscripted and unhappy, they won't be anywhere near the others in terms of attack power.

You can't send conscripts, because that's the army's job. You're fielding a group of elite soldiers, who can handle what the army doesn't want to, such as covert ops, reconnaissance, infiltration, all under the useful proxy shield of a company. Would you send the newest draftees from the Army to assassinate Bin Laden?

>But is he not teleporting his armor too?

No, he shouldn't. He shouldn't even be wearing any heavy armor in the first place considering his shielding abilities.

>>27736253
>I still don't get how they can lift this armor and still be mobile enough
Friendly reminder that pegasi can carry carriages.
Flying is magic.

>>27736382
>It's a mercenary organization, which can change side at any moment, depending on the offer.
It's less "mercenary" and more "special paramilitary unit" where Lightning Dust is the only permanent member. She gets her squadmates from the regular air units, who are trained with the power-armor for a while, then put through Room 101 type stuff to make them forget anything related to it while having any name-mention of them blacked out from the records.

Lightning Dust could theoretically switch sides, I'll admit, but there are a few problems with doing that:
-There's no other faction that'll give her the kind of leeway to do what she wants during a mission that the Unity does. If she decided to work for, say, Equestria, she'd be told that killing civilians is a no-go and that she'd have to put a cap on her sadistic bloodlust. Even if they paid better, this would factor into LD's decision as to whether or not she should defect.
-She could give the Equestrians her power-armor to reverse-engineer, but why would she want to? Even if they paid her, and they figured it out overnight, she'd have to constantly be looking over her shoulder for power-armored SS assassins, and if she continued in her line of work, her toughest opponents would have power-armor as well. It'd just make her job harder.
-Along with what happened in Wonderbolts Academy, In The Sandy Bird, she fragged her last surviving superior to save her own skin. The Unity picked her up as a POW. She won't be readily accepted by the Equestrians and they might even put her behind bars.


>He shouldn't even be wearing any heavy armor in the first place
He does wear armor in canon. Not as heavy as in this fic, but armor nonetheless.

>Most paramilitaries have excellent training and pays, due to the fact it's a full-time job and not a conscription.
This is true for Lightning Dust.

>>27736382
Forgot.

>For what purpose?
Because evil empire. The Unity is basically Our Town with everything cranked up to eleven and mixed with elements of the USSR, North Korea, and Nazi Germany. It's pretty clear I'm not going for the 'morally gray villain' route.

>>27736477
>"special paramilitary unit" where Lightning Dust is the only permanent member.
>She gets squadmates from regular air units

Why? It's a private organization, not an army unit. They need the best ponies they can find, not random draftees from the EUP. If they don't have the best and fail their missions, it's pretty much game over from them. Having LD as the only permanent member doesn't make any sense.

>she'd be told that killing civilians is a no-go

Of course it fucking is, it's a war crime and does not bring anything else than hate from the local population. Is she in the job simply so she can be edge lord supreme and kill everyone she meets? She'd get fired immediately if that were the case.

>but why would she want to?

Because they'd pay her a fuckton for it, and negotiate a contract to protect her or change her identity, like many witnesses have.

>power-armored SS assassins
>Power armor
>For stealthy assassins trying to kill LD in whichever town of Equestria she's hiding in

Why do you just randomly give this armor to everyone?

>She won't be readily accepted by the Equestrians and they might even put her behind bars.

She will. Getting the newest technology from your enemy is very well worth pardoning a POW. Hell, we're giving lighter sentences or none at all to criminals who denounce their partners.

>Not as heavy as in this fic

Here's your problem.

>>27736636
>Because evil empire
>Evil empire an evil LD for Evil
>Claiming this is a mix of USSR, Norks and Nazis
>Mix between two extreme-left regimes and an extreme-right one

Do you even have any fucking idea about what you're writing?

>>27736766
>random draftees
They have a professional standing army. A draft means you get a bunch of civilians with military experience once the war is over. A population that knows how to fight is cancer for an Orwellian regime.

>Of course it fucking is, it's a war crime
This 'verse doesn't have any codified standard for what constitutes a war crime like the real world does (this was even true for the real world for the vast majority of history). When it's important to her mission to not kill civilians, she'll get told that she can't. Otherwise, she'll let loose on any civilian she pleases if it doesn't jeopardize the mission, and especially if it helps the mission.

>Because they'd pay her a fuckton for it, and negotiate a contract to protect her or change her identity, like many witnesses have.
She already has a fuckton of money. All she'd be doing is giving up a job she likes and putting her under threat of the SS. She may be an axe-crazy psychopath but she's not a money hoarder.

>Power armor>For stealthy assassins
They don't have to be p-armored but it's completely possible and something for LD to be paranoid about.

>She will.
She has no way of knowing that.

>Mix between two extreme-left regimes and an extreme-right one
I'm talking more about styles and motifs. I'm not saying their philosophy is a mish-mash of fundamentally incompatible ideologies ffs.

>>27736840
>They have a professional standing army.

If they're going to send their army with one mercenary, why not just send their army alone for the operation in the first place?

>This 'verse doesn't have any codified standard

It does have pure logic.

>Kill civilians
>Entire population gets butthurt against you
>Have to spend half of your budget on anti-partisan operations

>When it's important to her mission to not kill civilians, she'll get told that she can't

Then what is the freedom difference between this and Equestria?

>She already has a fuckton of money

Which isn't a reason to not get more.

>She has no way of knowing that.

She has a brain, right? She can easily guess what Equestria will be ready to pay to obtain their enemy's newest technological advancement they apparently don't have.

>I'm talking more about styles and motifs

The USSR imprisoned some dissidents in labor camps, with no intent of killing them, but rather using them, to promote their regime.

The Nazis just sent any dissident, jew, black, gypsy, gay, handicapped people and other "Untermensch" to death camps where they were mostly killed.

Norks just send some dissidents to prison and try to be the most badass country ever. Actually, I don't even know what they're trying to do.

So, you've got a regime who imprisons for ideology, one who imprisons for racial superiority and one who tries to be the most powerful ever. So, your edge kingdom will send all its dissidents to camps to be gassed and sends plenty of empty threat and propaganda to its neighbors?

What the fuck is this even?

>>27736477
>She gets her squadmates from the regular air units,

Why didn't Unity send its own soldiers for the operation if they're going to send their soldiers with a single merc?

>>27736876
And by using them I meant "re-educating" them.

>>27736876
>why not just send their army alone for the operation in the first place?
If the Unity openly sent their own formal card-carrying soldiers to do what she did, that'd be considered an act of open war, which they don't want to get into yet.

>Then what is the freedom difference between this and Equestria?
In this case, the difference is it'd go without saying if she worked for Equestria whereas the Unity will hardly ever put that restriction on her at all, if ever. And that's just one example; there are other things the Unity lets her do that Equestria wouldn't.

>Which isn't a reason to not get more.
True, but if you had a billion dollars in the bank, would you give an arm and a leg for another hundred million? This would definitely be a problem if LD was paid mediocre wages, but she already has more money than she knows what to do with as it is.

>What the fuck is this even?
It's a mish-mash stylistically but anything that goes deeper than aesthetics is going to be a lot more congruent.

>>27736936
>openly sent their own formal card-carrying soldiers to do what she did, that'd be considered an act of open war,

That's about as legit as Russia's intervention in Crimea

>We wear Russia uniform, drive russia tank and fire russia gun!
>Trust me, we iz not russia! Russia is totally not back us!

>We're clad in power armor, which no one has but Unity!
>Trust us, we're not Unity! Unity doesn't back us!

>the Unity will hardly ever put that restriction on her at all, if ever.

So, Unity acts like Nazi Germany during WW2. They shit over civilians, rape and execute them. Result? A third of their budget and forces had to be allowed for anti-partisan operations and not combat.

Genius country if you ask me.

>but if you had a billion dollars in the bank

Having that much and spending none implies she wants to stack more and more cash and not get rid of it.

>but anything that goes deeper than aesthetics is going to be a lot more congruent.

You mean nothing? This barely even makes sense. Maybe I'm going a bit far, but I think even Tiger Fucking Tanks had its military more realistic than this.

>>27736969
>We're clad in power armor, which no one has but Unity!
LD's squad's power-armor is the only one whose Equestria is aware of; they think it's a magical artifact. (Did we forget this was a fantasy universe?)

>Result?
They're systematically carted off to indoctrination camps, where their cutie marks are forcibly removed and they're forced into the Unity ideology. Unless they're not ponies, in which case they're just exterminated.

>Having that much and spending none
When did I say she wasn't spending any of it?

>This barely even makes sense.
Hey, I warned you these answers would only bring up more questions and that it'd take forever to explain everything properly. This is the result.

>>27737009
>are the only ones whose existence*

>>27737009
>they think it's a magical artifact

If they had any kind of intelligence service, they would have some slight idea of what Unity is building, and would bust them quite fast.

>Equality camps
>Extermination

2edgy4me

>When did I say she wasn't spending any of it?

When you implied she still has shittons let in her bank account.

>This is the result.

No, this is the result of you not thinking it through all the way and creating an edgy universe for the sake of edge.

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Guys, please, it's been like 8 hours...

>>27737009
>indoctrination camps

You remember that one resistance mare in Starlight's camp? Let's say they had about 30 ponies in it. It's a 1/30 resistance/indoctrinated ratio.

Let's say you indoctrinate a town of 1000 ponies. That's about 33 ponies who will resist. Not too much.

Now, let's put it on war scale. Ten million are indoctrinated. That's 333 333 ponies who will resist against you and try to overthrow you, who will try to teach the truth to their friends and will succeed. Good luck on containing your newmade resistance movement and keeping your state from collapsing from the inside.

>>27737040
Fuck, I guess I'll stop. I can't seem to teach him anything anyways.

I always get carried away when discussing war-related matters.

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>>27737040
That's literally what this thread is for though

>>27737077
But the guy refuses to change any of his points since 8 hours.

Why don't you join in for a threesome?

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>>27737087
I would but I already got my dose of terminal autism for the day.

>>27737025
>If they had any kind of intelligence service, they would have some slight idea of what Unity is building
But the Unity has counterintelligence.

>this is the result of you not thinking it through all the way
What, you think I'm pulling these answers out of my ass? A lot of your confusion seems to be coming from assumptions that just are not true. It may be a supremely edgetastic universe, but I didn't neglect to think it through.

>>27737059
Our Town didn't have the infrastructure for secret police, surveillance, indoctrination camps, etc. that the Unity does. Plus those 333k can just be exterminated if they're really that big a hassle. But in all likelihood, they wouldn't be able to communicate or organize in any effective manner, so what we're left with is 333k thoughtcriminals who don't know each other and who all have a visit to Room 101 in store for them at some point in the future.

>>27737087
I'm arguing out of boredom just like you guys probably are. Everyone knows nobody changes their opinions in an internet argument.

That said, I have taken to heart the criticism people gave to the opening chapter, specifically, so it wasn't a complete waste.

>>27737108
>But the Unity has counterintelligence.

My fucking god, how can you be this dumb?

>but I didn't neglect to think it through.

You probably did, since your plotholes are gaping wide through all the way in your story.

>Plus those 333k can just be exterminated

God, Unity is so subtle. Just exterminate or steamroll with power armor EVERYTHING.

This is just stupidly edgetastic beyond understanding.

>>27737170
Well, I don't see what's so hard to believe about Equestria not being a Suetopia that can do everything. They can get the psycho-killer merc to defect to the goody-goody-gumdrop faction by waving a bag of money at her when she already has fifty just like it, they can discover top-secret technology from paranoid totalitarian dictatorships with hardly any effort, and they can crop rebel/partisan movements out of the thin air. Wtf.

>>27737277
Your fic, your edge.

>>27737277
>They can get the psycho-killer merc to defect to the goody-goody-gumdrop faction by waving a bag of money at her

Do you think they will only put that into the negotiation? They will pay and provide other advantages, because whatever they can give her is nothing compared to the advantage of fully understanding their enemy's only edge against them and thus putting the scale on their side.

>an discover top-secret technology from paranoid totalitarian dictatorships with hardly any effort,

I never said it would be effortless, but with a competent intelligence agency, which I hope Equestria has, since it's thousands of years old, maybe even older than Celestia herself. And who are they spying on? A newborn dictatorship created by Starlight, and thus probably not even a decade old.

>and they can crop rebel/partisan movements out of the thin air

Your friends are all getting either exterminated, deported or brainwashed one by one, and you and your group are the only sane one left in your village. Don't you think you'll try to resist against what's happening?

Germany has killed millions of people in death camps and deported millions more, yet it did not instantly kill the partisans and resistance, no matter how much they tried to impose their order over them. Would you call that "cropping rebels out of thin air"?

No matter how hard the regime, some ponies will fall out the net and resist. Hell, the harder the regime, the harder the partisans against it. You can't expect to have a large enough force to exterminate them all while maintaining a large enough force at the front.

And since they're annexing Equestrian territory, do you think all those unicorn and pegasi would just give up without a budge considering what Unity is doing?

>>27737277
>>27737404

To give you an idea, about 2% of the French population was an active member of "La Résistance" during WW2. They operated during the whole war against the Nazi regime, which was, of course, pretty liberal when it came to executing suspects or deporting them. Yet those 400 000 people kept on fighting, despite the size of their enemy.

If your Unity army is, let's say, 230 000 ponies strong, about double the size of the British Army's active and reserve troops, and that Equestria is 64 million ponies strong with an equal army to the British of 115 000 ponies, and with 2% of a theoretical 10 million occupied population resisting, you'd have 200 000 resistance fighters. Say you need one pony to fight three resistance fighters. That's 66 000 less ponies on the front, a number which goes up the more land you annex. At 20 million occupied, it's more than 132 000 ponies who will be occupied in anti-partisan operations, and that's supposing only 2% will resist against such a monstrous regime.

Firebird Dahlia finished yesterday. It's a pretty nice fic about Sunset returning to Equestria and reconnecting with her family after the events of Rainbow Rocks, and it's written by the author of Sunset of Time and Long Road to Friendship.

On a related note, this means that Albinocorn is going to be starting work on his next trio of stories, including the sequel to Long Road, so that's nice too.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/331407/swallow-the-moon
I would really appreciate it if someone actually took the time to read it fully and review it. I am fully willing to accept critism.

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I love these threads.

>>27738427
Does it need 5 tags?

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This fucking thread was giving me cancer, so I decided to read something else for a while.

>bmc #2, ch. 1-2

This is "Lunar Lights", the second book of BlackRoseRaven's Blooming Moon Chronicles.

As a quick reminder, in book 1:
>Luna falls in love with Scrivener Blooms, whose cutie mark is a black rose and a raven feather (you do the math)
>Celestia goes crazy because of reasons, and tries to start a war
>Luna goes full NMM and smacks her back to normal
>Celestia and Luna agree to pretend that NMM returned and randomly attacked
>Luna and Scrivy run off to live together in hiding, with the entire country thinking they're traitors

It's now 14 months later. Luna and Scrivy have been chilling in the Everfree, sometimes hanging out in Ponyville with the M6, and messing with the Royal Guard. Somehow they haven't been captured yet, despite living in the same house in the Everfree the whole time.

Some things that happened in those 14 months:
>Luna and Scrivy got married, and are trying to have children
>AJ and RD are about to get married
>NMM still takes over occasionally (mainly when Luna is angry, or not getting enough of the hot self-insert dick), but Luna's been getting used to it
>Same, but with Pinkie/Pinkamena
>Granny Smith died at some point
>Luna's been training Scrivy for combat
>Luna's been training Twilight in magic and "horn foiling" (horn-fencing, basically, because horns are indestructible and magic can make them sharp)
>Scrivy has superpowers thanks to Luna "sharing her vitality": fast healing, night vision, and no need to sleep; plus Celestia gave him the "blessing of the sun"

And best of all: Rainbow Dash is a dude now.
>Applejack, filled with lust and unnecessary sorrow, and Rainbow Dash, loving one he feared to never have, trapped for so long in a female body while all the while knowing he was male. ‘Twas a difficult transfiguration, and painful for him… yet I think that now, more than ever, he is happy.
For real?

>>27739029
>Canon has distinctive bodies to separate mares from colts
>Hides as a colt

u wot

>>27739267
Did you miss:
>trapped for so long in a female body

>>27739317
My fault

But still, how the fuck would they make her a guy without massive surgery and bone+muscle implantation?

>>27739460
Magic talking horses used their talking horse magic:
>‘Twas a difficult transfiguration

>>27739476
My point is, where would they get such massive chunks of muscle and bone in the first place? You'd need at least a good kilogram of them for the muzzle

>>27739582
if they can turn bluebirds and frogs into oranges then they can probably pull a cock and chin out of thin air too I guess

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/54029/maledictum-insania-the-creation

Soon

But first, Siren Song

[Pt. 1]

>>27733781
>decent publicity
You're writing a self admitted edgy grimdark fic. I really don't think fantastic cover art will save things. Readers care more about premise than cover art and having nazi alicorn OCs will kill interest faster than shitty chainmail vectors ever could.

>>27734354
>Starlight's bodyguard/guide
>alicorn
>being defeated by a bodyguard
I'm not one for immortal god empress headcanon, but that reeks of "I need some implausible grimdark thing to happen to kick off the plot."

>>27734474
>Spartan-style training regimen
Why is this always the go-to for evil/elite training? There's plenty of other, much more efficient ways of training your country's soldiers that don't involve killing most of them.

And if you're going to unshackle things for a grimdark fic, you really need to do the same for Twilight. She better have spammed cutting lasers from her forehead, tried telekinetically severing his spinal cord, attempted to teleport him into solid rock--and that's not even touching dark magic. Otherwise, it looks like you're nerfing her just to get the grimdark train rolling.

>An evil war-god
Why do the good gods always just sit on their hands and not do anything? It seems really counterproductive.

>>27734551
>It's an evil vs. evil conflict set in a crapsack world
So the audience really doesn't give a shit about the characters or who wins? There's nothing there for the reader if they have no investment in the story.

[Pt. 2]

>>27735420
I can't help but wonder why the Royal Guard is letting mares who are in heat remain on active duty. That sounds like a recipe for a massive disaster.

The amount of sex she's having feels really excessive--heat or no heat. It really casts her in a negative light. "I love you and all, but damn do I need to have sex right now!"

Also, the whole point of estrus is reproduction--mares can only get pregnant during that period of time. It's not the "I'm horny and need to cum" that most clopfics make it out to be. Her wanting him to cum in her suggests she wants a foal.

>>27736129
>you just killed one of the main characters from the get-go without justification
I think this point still applies. Death is a big thing in a fic. You should really have a good reason for doing it (i.e. a major plot point). Shilling Lightning Dust is not a good reason--especially since the shilling is pretty worthless.

If Shining was a big character in the previous story, you just flushed all the wonderful plot opportunities (Cadance, reactions to Twilight, Crystal Empire politics, shield magic, whatever the fuck he was doing in the original story, etc.) involving him down the toilet. If he wasn't, than his death is just as meaningful as a redshirt's and raises the question of "why waste him when you could have just used a redshirt?".

>>27736636
>Because evil empire
Have you given much thought to this? What's the international community's reaction to them (trade embargo, sanctions, defense alliance)? How do they prevent people from leaving and, in turn, allow trade to occur? Why are they evil?

[Pt. 3]

>>27737009
>they're just exterminated.
So there's open genocide and brainwashing going on. Why isn't there a complete trade embargo? Why aren't the bordering countries and other nations hooking up with Equestria, a superpower, to try and check the evil empire? Why hasn't a civil war been kicked up by dissidents and funded by Equestria's special forces as part of a proxy war?

This is really starting to give me a Draka vibe.

>>27737108
>can just be exterminated
Just like the French resistance, or the Greek partisans. If the nazis--the guys who perfected the extermination camp--couldn't do it, why would the Empire of Edge be able to?

>>27741111
Since they were authorized to have sex, I'm guessing they were off-duty, as the stallion was injured and thus probably right out of the hospital and that most armies do not permit sexual or intimate relationship between soldiers on duty.

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>>27735420
>Jim nearly died by a really powerful creature
>Jim and Jen take a shower and have sex while during heat, Jen forces him to cum inside in a spur of the moment.
>He's reluctant because of what happened last time, so he promises her he will help her with it after he gets his armor fixed. When he does, Jim finds Jen with the manipulative stallion known as Frank.
>Jim, in his drunken state, gets horny. Jen is guilty for cheating on him, so she tries to help him with his arousal. They do, and afterwards, they have a talk
>Jim finds Frank and beats his ass for fucking Jen, before telling him to stay away from her, which is hard considering they're all on the same guard squad
>And once again, this all happened in a day.

>>27735420
>And once again, this all happened in a day.
Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I hope this is just some half-assed subplot rather then your entire premise.

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Did fimfic really used to have a 5-stars system? Why'd they replace it with the facebook bottons?

>>27742041
Easier to use I guess.

>>27742041
because fimfags are too dumb to be able to figure out how to use stars. thats why we not have the happy green button and the sad red one

>>27742041
Because 90% of all ratings on the site were either 1* or 5*

>>27741111
>>27741938
>>27742018
Fuck it, I'm making it all a goddamn dream. You made me realize how stupid this all is. Thanks, Anons, for showing me the error of my ways.

>>27742408
finally! someone who listens when we tell him how dumb his ideas are. you win the thread, cuckstoryanon

>>27742476
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

>>27742476
Is this the first time this happened since Tigers?

Wow, we've got something to celebrate!

>>27742807
>having a stupid idea shot down is something to celebrate

We'll celebrate when someone offers up an idea that isn't shit.

>>27742816
Well, we've convinced an anon not to write his stupid idea twice in almost a year now. I don't recall any other stupid ideas getting btfo'd from last August till now.

If only we could convince Decanus.

>>27742823
Let's not get our hopes up.

>>27742816
yeah but thatll never happen, so we celebrate these little victories when we can

>>27742807
pretty sure, yeah

>>27742823
>If only we could convince Decanus.
if wishes were fishes, bro. he even admits that he cant explain anything without sounding stupid yet somehow cant quite grasp that that is a bad thing

>>27742476
>>27742609
>>27742807
>>27742816
At least it being a dream will fit, even if it seems like a cop-out. Then again, it's better than whatever the fuck I was thinking earlier. I'm glad you guys aren't biased or sugarcoat things, otherwise this idea would have stuck.

Thanks again, Anons.

>>27742840
Now, you need to expand on what will be in the dream and what will be real.

>>27742840
>At least it being a dream will fit
wait. i thought this was some one shot weird clopfic. is this part of something else?

>>27742862
>one shot weird clopfic
It'd be an alright idea if it were that and a comedy.

>>27742849
Everything starting from where he goes to get his armor fixed. I'll probably explain it as premonition, so he tells her to stay with him and wait, but he falls asleep whilst waiting, the mare falling asleep with him. Then again, I did this whole 'dream sequence' thing earlier in the story, so like I said, it should fit. The story is about Tantabus, in case you're wondering.

>>27742862
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/331407/swallow-the-moon
its a part of this

>>27742891
Okay, but where does it fit exactly? I've seen the synopsis, but I can't read the fic right now.

>>27742912
The main character, along with one other mystery character, and Princess Luna all have certain control over the Dream Realm, allowing them to tend to the nightmares and dreams of the ponies of Equestria.

However, a side effect of this ability is that sometimes you don't exactly know what's a dream and what's not. The protagonist is still very new to it, a decade old experience which isn't much compared to the other two, and doesn't know how to control that specific side effect.

So, he is left with wondering if something is a dream or not. I don't write this side effect very often due to the whole mindfuckery of it, but it's still there. And most of the time, during the dream sequence, shit goes down. But, when he does wake up, something equally just as fucked up happens to counter it. Think of it as a not-so premonition.

I'm not very good at explaining things, but I'll try if you need more information.

>>27742983
>I'm not very good at explaining things, but I'll try if you need more information.
Oh boy. I know where this is going.

>>27742912
When can you read the story?

>>27742816
This. Convincing someone they shouldn't write a bad idea is fine, but convincing them that they should write a good idea is better.

>>27743074
Not him but I'm reading the story right now. In fact, if I like it enough, I'll give it a like, because I'm feeling generous.

>>27743085
How about we come up with one?

>>27743097
Cool, I'd appreciate it if you left a comment. I love critism.

>>27743085
I've been thinking about writing a story about an abusive relationship. Between two ponies that love each other, but as time passes and the going gets hard, the more they fight until the mare breaks and begins abusing the stallion. And since the mare is in a position of power, the stallion can't do anything.

It's probably shit, but let me know.

>>27743140
That;s a very mature and dark topic to cover. It can be done very well, and I'm sure there are a lot of award-winning stories that deal with this kind of topic, but it can easily become edgy or ridiculous. Realism would probably be one of the most important factors here; can you realistically write an abusive relationship? If so, then I'd say go for it; you have the potential to write a very good dark fic that covers a mature topic, which do exist in the fandom (e.g. Salvation by CiG).

That being said, 99.99% of writers on fimfiction don't even come close to having enough skill/experience to be able to do that idea justice.

>>27743207
Considering I've been in an abusive relationship, I believe I'll know what I will be doing.

>>27743231
>tripfag knowing anything
kys

>>27743245
I plan on it buddy. Also, not a tripfag, just testing it out. I despise them.

I was thinking about writing a HIE where a Human that was previously stuck in the Dream Realm is pulled out by Luna and lives in Equestria, but with his memories and complete identity lost. That, and he has his home from Earth. And every so often, a phone will ring inside of the house. And the Human picks it up, only to be answered by various members of his family, slowly telling him about his past and how to get home.

What do you think?

>>27743353
Could be neat.

>>27742891
Okay, I finally read this shit.

The first few pages are a mess. Lots of telling, not showing, and what it does show is all over the place. There's some stuff about ponies all over Equestria, then nonspecific guards in nonspecific "hallways", then Celestia doing stuff... somewhere (eventually it turns out she's in her room). I think it would be better to make up a random maid and follow her around the castle on her nightly duties, as she's freaking out a little because of how 3spooky everything is.

>GUNS
>pic related

The switch from "Celestia dials up the secret society" to "random sex scene with two ponies you've never seen before" is pretty abrupt, but the writing is a bit better in the first person section. Some clunky expo dumps, like the thing about rifles vs. pistols, and then the one about the history of 13. But at least making it first person means the scenes stay in one place.

Also,
>HOOF GUNS
>pic even more related

And
>Although, guns are exclusive to our organization and are unheard of and do not exist to the general public.
Don't be fucking stupid.

If you're going to tell me these guys are super elite badasses, the second sentence after that shouldn't be telling me about them "getting our asses handed to us on a pristine silver platter".

>But, we have a new member among us. Her name is Violet. She has requested that I refrain from revealing her true identity.
It's Twilight, isn't it? I notice she's got a tag.

The paragraph of intro for every character makes the departure scene seem extremely slow. Plus I don't see why I should care about any of these fuckers.

>She's batshit-insane, pun definitely intended. She has no shame whatsoever and I found myself being molested and groped by her a few more times than I’m comfortable with, despite my anger towards her for her not to rub my balls and cock with her leathery wings.
What the fuck, man?

Is Moth literally a mothpony? Why on earth are there mothponies in this fic?

File: how-about-no.jpg (109KB, 1280x764px) Image search: [Google]

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Forgot the pic

>>27742891
>>27743565
Why are these idiots just fucking around in the clearing? Don't they have some sort of mission?

>Wew lad.
Are you even trying?

>My jaw dropped to the ground, as well as Cheesecake and Moth’s, at the sight bestowed before us.
>“Twilight Sparkle?!”
wow what a surprise


Other notes:

Your grammar sucks. Fix it.

The moon isn't a star.

- - -

So, Luna's missing and Celestia sends her most elite secret agents to search. That seems reasonable.

The main problem is, a lot of the details don't seem plausible to me:
> Why did Celestia keep them around for 1000 years, despite having no use for them until today?
> Why does Celestia ship them out without giving clear orders, or even telling them where they're going?
> What exactly are they doing in that field, and why?
> Why does Twilight make a big deal out of keeping her identity a secret, only to reveal herself 15 minutes later?
> Why is there so much sex in this fic? Story starts with the main character about to screw his girlfriend: okay, fine. But then you have the crazy nympho batpony and the slightly less crazy (but still a total nympho) mothpony. Why?

>>27743565
>>27743574
He did write this in first person POV. A lot of this could be error on the main character's part and not the author's part. Unreliable narrators in first person POV's aren't exactly unheard of.

>>27743607
Uh huh, sure. Look, unreliable narrators are fine, but don't try to use "muh unreliable narrator" as an excuse for honest-to-god mistakes in your writing.

If this is supposed to be an unreliable narrator thing, then there had better be a good, specific explanation for why it's valuable for the narrator to be wrong about these events.

>>27743643
Why are you replying to me like I'm him? I'm not. And the first person POV is kind of pointless in the first place if he doesn't have perceptions or opinions of things that a third person narrator wouldn't.

>>27743574
> Why did Celestia keep them around for 1000 years, despite having no use for them until today?
You never know. She knew they would be useful for Luna's return, and eventually Discord's and Sombra's return. They also held off the changelings when they attacked Canterlot.
> Why does Celestia ship them out without giving clear orders, or even telling them where they're going?
> What exactly are they doing in that field, and why?
It depends on where you stopped reading. If you only read the first chapter, then you don't know why. It's explained in Chapter V.

> Why does Twilight make a big deal out of keeping her identity a secret, only to reveal herself 15 minutes later?
She didn't want the attention from the other squads. She thought 'If I'm going to be working with these three ponies who are my teammates and whom I should place my trust in, I don't want any secrets between us'.

> Why is there so much sex in this fic? Story starts with the main character about to screw his girlfriend: okay, fine. But then you have the crazy nympho batpony and the slightly less crazy (but still a total nympho) mothpony. Why?
Dusk and Eclipse are friends-with-benefits (eventually confessing their love) and are in their twenties. They're horny. As for Midnight and Moth? Both of them are eccentric, as well as with the majority of Moonlight XIII. The only semi-normal members are Dusk, Eclipse, and Twilight.

Cont.

>>27743652
>the first person POV is kind of pointless in the first place if he doesn't have perceptions or opinions of things that a third person narrator wouldn't.
Sure, but I didn't talk about anything like that. The closest was the thing about guns being exclusive to 13, but assuming the narrator isn't outright lying, that's still a huge problem. Where did 13 get the technology for fancy, high-quality sniper rifles, when at any given time, no more than two dozen living people even know that guns exist?

>>27743565
>The first few pages are a mess. Lots of telling, not showing, and what it does show is all over the place. There's some stuff about ponies all over Equestria, then nonspecific guards in nonspecific "hallways", then Celestia doing stuff... somewhere (eventually it turns out she's in her room). I think it would be better to make up a random maid and follow her around the castle on her nightly duties, as she's freaking out a little because of how 3spooky everything is.
I just started writing almost a month ago. I'm still learning, and it will probably be awhile before I can write efficiently with detail.

>GUNS
>pic related
It. Just. Works.

>The switch from "Celestia dials up the secret society" to "random sex scene with two ponies you've never seen before" is pretty abrupt, but the writing is a bit better in the first person section. Some clunky expo dumps, like the thing about rifles vs. pistols, and then the one about the history of 13. But at least making it first person means the scenes stay in one place.
I plan on rewriting this entire story when I get better. I'll admit that it was a horrible way to introduce the characters.

>Although, guns are exclusive to our organization and are unheard of and do not exist to the general public.
>Don't be fucking stupid.
Once again, it was stupid of me. I will most likely be revising Chapter I - IV completely.

>If you're going to tell me these guys are super elite badasses, the second sentence after that shouldn't be telling me about them "getting our asses handed to us on a pristine silver platter".
They are not demi-gods like Celestia and Luna, they are just better than the normal Royal Guard. King Sombra was more powerful than them, while they were on an even level with Queen Chrysalis. Discord just fucked with them.

Cont.

>>27743714

Not >>27743565>>27743574 here.


>You never know.

You're wasting a great quantity of tax payer dollars on something with no use. How long till someone leaks it out and a scandal breaks open?

>She knew they would be useful for Luna's return
>What is the EUP

They clearly stated the EUP was created as Celestia's personal guards to protect against NMM's return.

>They also held off the changelings when they attacked Canterlot.

AKA got entirely steamrolled, unless this is an AU

> It's explained in Chapter V.

No one will get to Chapter V if they have too many questions to deal with.

>I don't want any secrets between us'.
>Thus I'll introduce myself with a fake name and not my real one

>They're horny.

Most armed forces forbid their soldiers from even kissing, unless it's for a farewell, on duty, much less a sexual relationship.

>>27743777
>It. Just. Works.

No, no, fucking triple no. If you're going to put guns in, at least try finding a good justification instead of just saying "it works".

>>27743777
>It. Just. Works.
This, really. There's a difference between criticism and nitpicking. The tech level in the show is already schizophrenic. Unless it's a hard-realism war-fic, I'm fairly certain most people won't care.

That said, the intro was a bit slow a bit infodump-ish, but the fic as a whole isn't too bad. And coming from someone who's normally not a fan if the genre, that's good. I'm on chapter 4 currently. Just got to the smutty part. Author's note says it's your first attempt, so... should be interesting I guess.

>>27743714
>She knew they would be useful for Luna's return, and eventually Discord's and Sombra's return.
Good point - I forgot they were sent to help with Sombra. So, why then does it say in the first section that:
>The last time she called upon the organization was when her sister was banished to the Moon.
?

>It's explained in Chapter V.
So what are they doing for the next three chapters? Just hanging around in that field chit-chatting some more? I suppose they could start searching nearby, but that would be vastly more effective if they knew where they were, and had planned out a search strategy in advance with Celestia and the rest of the organization.

What are they searching for, anyway? Celestia already knows Luna isn't on the planet.

>As for Midnight and Moth? Both of them are eccentric, as well as with the majority of Moonlight XIII.
They could have been eccentric in a way that doesn't add even more sexual aspects to this fic. Or at least didn't require two of your characters to be raging nymphomaniacs and borderline rapists.

>>27743777
>It. Just. Works.
Ask Autismo how well it "just worked" in Schlongs.

>I'll admit that it was a horrible way to introduce the characters.
No, I liked it. I could totally imagine Bond (maybe not Bond, but some super-spy badass) getting a phone call about his new mission just as he's about to get it on.

>Once again, it was stupid of me.
To be clear, the issue is this: >>27743738
>Where did 13 get the technology for fancy, high-quality sniper rifles, when at any given time, no more than two dozen living people even know that guns exist?

>They are not demi-gods like Celestia and Luna, they are just better than the normal Royal Guard.
Not the point. Don't tell me they're badasses and then tell me about a fight they lost. Tell me they're badasses and then tell me about a fight they WON.

>>27743565
>>27743777
>But, we have a new member among us. Her name is Violet. She has requested that I refrain from revealing her true identity.
>It's Twilight, isn't it? I notice she's got a tag.
Yeah, I know, it was blatantly obvious.

>The paragraph of intro for every character makes the departure scene seem extremely slow. Plus I don't see why I should care about any of these fuckers.
Introductions. Would you rather me say 'Here's his/her name, that's it' and then people don't know shit about them?

>She's batshit-insane, pun definitely intended. She has no shame whatsoever and I found myself being molested and groped by her a few more times than I’m comfortable with, despite my anger towards her for her not to rub my balls and cock with her leathery wings.
I'm removing this. Thanks for reminding me.

>Is Moth literally a mothpony? Why on earth are there mothponies in this fic?
Variety. That, and because I like them. You don't seem to care about the batpony, so why the mothpone?

I don't know what you expect from a brand new writer. I try my best, and I will admit that I do have many flaws when it comes to writing, but I just want to make this story work.

File: 1441574626292.png (267KB, 555x399px) Image search: [Google]

267KB, 555x399px

At least we're not dead, I guess.

>>27743844
>Good point - I forgot they were sent to help with Sombra. So, why then does it say in the first section that:
>The last time she called upon the organization was when her sister was banished to the Moon.
God fucking damnit. I swear to God, I'm the fucking worst.

>It's explained in Chapter V.
>So what are they doing for the next three chapters? Just hanging around in that field chit-chatting some more? I suppose they could start searching nearby, but that would be vastly more effective if they knew where they were, and had planned out a search strategy in advance with Celestia and the rest of the organization.
Chapter III is sitting around. Chapter IV is a dream sequence. Chapter V is where Dusk talks to Celestia in the Dream Realm.

>What are they searching for, anyway? Celestia already knows Luna isn't on the planet.
In Chapter V. They are given a new objective until Celestia can find out more on where Luna is. She is the one searching for her, Moonlight XIII are just the ones that are finding the pieces.

>>27743845
>Would you rather me say 'Here's his/her name, that's it' and then people don't know shit about them?
Yes, absolutely. If you dump seven character bios on me in a row, I'm not going to remember a bit of it anyway. Plus these particular characters cease to be relevant the moment their bio is over.

The intros for Sniper Ponk and Moth Moth were much better. You introduced them and their history through interaction with the MC, rather than a paragraph of abstract infodump.

>>27743845
>You don't seem to care about the batpony, so why the mothpone?
Batponies are semi-canon, and at least have enough fanon behind them that it's not surprising to see them in a fic. I have literally never seen mothponies in a fic before this. I guess its okay, but the story would probably be better without them (so you don't have to go to the effort of explaining them and giving them some backstory).

>I don't know what you expect from a brand new writer.
Knowing that you're new doesn't make the story any more enjoyable to read. That said, it does sound like you're interested in getting better, which is good.

>>27743900
>Chapter III is sitting around. Chapter IV is a dream sequence. Chapter V is where Dusk talks to Celestia in the Dream Realm.

>>27743900
>Chapter III is sitting around. Chapter IV is a dream sequence. Chapter V is where Dusk talks to Celestia in the Dream Realm.
This seems bad. Celestia ships them out, and then they sit on their asses for four chapters before they get some actual work to do? What's the point of that?

>She is the one searching for her, Moonlight XIII are just the ones that are finding the pieces.
That seems fine, but Celestia should really give them a proper assignment by the second chapter at most. I can understand a slight delay so you can introduce the team members, but currently, as of the end of chapter 1 it's completely unclear where the story is headed.

>>27743844
>>27743843
>>27743803
>>27743788
>>27743574
>>27743565
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BeC4rnP3Sfh3xBiITOPLPNxxdB_V1DjCYzDjxkZ7oBI/edit?usp=drive_web
Okay, here's a link to the first chapter. I am willing to slowly rewrite the story. Tell me what I can change to make it better.

>>27743844
>Ask Autismo how well it "just worked" in Schlongs.

Autismo here. Hint: Not very well.

>>27743845
>Yeah, I know, it was blatantly obvious.
It was obvious from the name, and also you made too big a deal out of it. I think you could get away with waiting until Bravo and Charlie teams have left, then tell Alpha they're getting a new member, basically don't introduce her at all, and send them all off together. Then once they land they can see who it is, freak out a bit (but less than they do now, since that's a little excessive), and split up into pairs to talk as they head down the road toward their objective (Twilight/Sniper Ponk and MC/Moth Moth, so you can still work in the Moth Moth introduction stuff).

>>27743993
I'm almost done reading chapter 4. These beginning chapters are based pretty heavily on establishing characters and relationships. Which is pretty important for a fic that's going the romantic angle. That said, there could be a bit more action or at least some clues cropping up in this mystery they keep talking about.

And btw, chapter 4 has the main character having a wet dream where he's screwing Eclipse. The clop scene has more than a few abrupt tense shifts. Now, I don't really like clop in general, but tense shifts are bad. And there's some anatomically questionable things going on, like Dust bending over to lick Eclipse's tail-dock while she's riding him reverse-cowgirl style (at least I think that's what was happening).

>>27744010
You may be better off putting your main fic on hold, and writing oneshots for a while in order to git gud. Then once you know what you're doing, you can go back and rewrite it properly. But you should check with anons who have actually written stuff, because I'm a filthy read-only peasant myself.

>>27744045
Related to this, here's a general rule of thumb: If you want a Chekhov's Gunmare (or anything belonging to Chekhov for that matter) to be a surprise, don't spend a lot of time setting her up. That's too obvious a clue; experienced readers will see it a mile away. This is important if you're writing a mystery. But do set her up, otherwise it'll come off as an ass-pull.

>>27744192
>>27744125
>>27744123
>>27744045
>>27743993
>>27743844
Okay, how about this;
>Rewrite Chapter I to where they don't leave yet
>Chapter II is rewritten to better introduce the main characters and allow for Celestia to apply a proper assignment
>Chapter III is rewritten to showcase Moonlight XIII's, more specifically Alpha Squad and Bravo Squad's battle against King Sombra for more development and to showcase their skill
>Chapter IV is when they finally are sent off and Twilight's identity is revealed
>Rewrite the remaining chapters to fit the first four
Is this any better?

>>27742041

This:>>27742334

I actually rated shit with 2-4 stars quite a bit. If I dropped it before finishing the first couple of chapters, it got 1 star, dropped after that meant 2. Finished but overall forgettable was 3. If it was good it got 4 and I had only rated one or two fics with 5.

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38KB, 693x317px

>>27738427
Your writing needs some work to be honest. Let me demonstrate with your first two paragraphs:

Personally, unless the premise presented by the blurb is top-notch and super compelling, I'd read those two paragraphs and put the thing down.