Submission is Mandatory #73

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>>25341316
>NMM's prehensile mane going through Chrysalises leg holes
Unf.

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>>25341316
>mfw Escapade's using my shitty descriptions for his stories.
If you have any better descriptions you'd like for your stories, just say.

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>>25333344
>Well, that didn't really answer the real question, but you can't just ask which one of them is a traitor, so it will have to do for now.
"What kind of operations do you expect to be involved in here?"
>He rubs his chin with a hoof.
>"I could brief your generals on the changes in military tactics in the past thousand years, and I could help training the new recruits, if that's what you want."
>"But mainly I'm here to tell you about the needs of the pegasi in your kingdom, and warn about the potential dangers of decisions you'll be making."
"So, you're not going to fight?"
>"Unless you are attacked when I'm around, no. I'm here to give advice. Leading military operations is not part of my job."
>Hmmm... you're not sure if you'd want him to do any leading, even if it was.
>He used to be a soldier in Celestia's army when she ruled, mere two weeks ago.
>So if he's already helping Nightmare Moon and yourself, the extent of his loyalty is... questionable at best.
>Having the advisor to your military be a traitor would be lethal.
>You take a moment to mull things over, and slouch back in your chair.
>It's nowhere near as comfortable as your throne.
"Very well, we'll talk about the specifics later, when I've had the time to think about it."
"Either way, I expect you to do a good job. I expect ALL of you to do a good job."
>You don't look at anyone in particular but everyone knows who that last part was aimed on.
>While Greta certainly has a purpose, you get the feeling that she might not be the best fit for the job.
"Meanwhile, are there any immediate problems that need to be solved right now? I heard arguing before I walked in."
>This time it's March who fills you in.
>"Why, yes, your highness, my colleagues and I were just discussing what to do the new workers that are to be arriving from Canterlot in just a few days from now."
>"I s'ppose it could wait until they are here, but I think it wouldn't be too hasty to decide what to do with them right now."

>>25342751
Do you hear her out and make a ruling, or do you end the meeting and talk with one of the councilors one-on-one? If so, which one?

>>25342780
First things first. Hear her out.

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Replies to last thread:

>>25330320
>>"W-welcome to my apartment, sir. What brings you all the way to Equestria?"
>>So that's what this place is called.
>>Your lips slightly curl up into a smirk.
>>This is more like it.
>"I am in need of some clothing, and possibly somewhere to stay."

>>Might as well tell her the truth.
>>Or maybe the stretched truth.
>>After all, as far as you know you're the only human in this 'Equestria'.
>"My name is Anonymous, king of the humans. And who are you, little one?"

This Anon is adapting to things, and switching modes from "nervous, surprised fuck who doesn't know where he is or what's going on" to "I know exactly what I'm doing, what I want, and how to bullshit like I assume middle age people talked like" without much of a transition. It's too fast. It could use a bit of a gradient where it shows his confusion, remembering the phone call with Discord telling him to do whatever he wanted, and deciding to abuse the opportunity to the utmost.

I'm also getting the feeling that Coco's being a bit too worshipful, if I'm being completely honest.

>>25330320
>>She quickly sets off to start her work, after offering you a cup of hot chocolate, which you gratefully accept.
>>Now the only thing to do is figure out what you want to do while you wait for your clothes.
Maybe it's because it's nearing winter where I am, but walking around shirtless is something that would make my skin goosebump and my nipples hard enough to cut glass pretty quickly.

I'm also curious about why Coco would believe that a visiting foreign dignitary from a race she's never heard of before is visiting a hole-in-the-wall clothier shop. It'd make for a good revelation to use when breaking her spirit and teaching her the error of thinking that she could be right about things.

>>25336263
>>You inhale and swear you can almost smell Italian food.
Be careful with the memes. They bring the reader out of the experience.

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>>25336309
>Would you like to see parts of the story in different character's povs?
Yes, if you're going to bring other characters like the Mane Six in, then it'd be nice to have a paragraph here and there to introduce them and what interest they have in Anon.

Do it like Luigi's adventures in Paper Mario the Thousand Year Door. You know about what's going on, but you don't have to spend the same amount of time immersed in this other adventure.

Basically, introduce their conflict, and what they plan to do about it, but skip over their attempts to address the conflict. Come back to them every once in a while to see how they're progressing.

For now, I think it'd be best to stick with Anon / Coco's viewpoints.

Are you going to be bringing Suri in to this, or is this after Suri and Coco break apart and Suri's reputation falls to pieces?

Suri being a controlling bitch would add an interesting dynamic, and could also add an element of karma to the story if she ends up getting dommed roughly.

>>25343318

>Transition
I don't know what made me decide to do a quick flop, maybe it was because I wanted to progress the story. In any case every couple of days I'm planning on going back and seeing if there's anything that needs to be changed, in such a way that it either flows better, or simply just makes more sense.

>Coco's worshipfulness
I would have to agree with you, but I tried to do my best to interpret the suggestions that I had gotten as to how she should act.

>Shirtless cold hard nipples
As I am typing this I am lying in my bed in just underwear, and it's also almost winter here. I guess the cold never bothered me, anyway, I'm not planning on changing that part of what I have, but maybe we'll get cold during the night and have to seek out some warmth?

>Coco believing
I fooled myself into thinking that at least for right now, she's too caught up in the hype to question it. If someone requests for her to have doubts, then so be it.

>Memes
Alright, I'll try not to be too autistic.

>>25343328

>Suri
I was planning on this being relatively in time with the show, plus, Suri just kinda pissed me off so I never really liked her much. If someone really wants to see her in the story though I'll happily oblige.


All this being said, I've decided that we will occasionally jump viewpoints, but I'll keep them as short as they need to be. This is mainly Anon's story. Other than that, If anyone has any complaints/comments/suggestions/questions, other than what I'm prompting you with, feel free to bring them out. I'll do my best to try to incorporate everyone's opinions into this. Remember, this is more your story than mine.

>>25336263
This was the last part of the cyoa if anyone wants to re-read it/or whatever. Other than that its time to get back to writing.

>>25336263

>Pulling the covers over yourself, you take off your underwear.
>You always liked sleeping in the buff anyway.
>Trying to get comfortable you try a bunch of different positions.
>Yeah, you can't sleep.
>Still, today has been pretty good, considering everything.
>You really hope this isn't just a dream.
>Maybe she has something that you can read in here?
>After you get out of the bed you start searching through her closets and drawers.
>For the most part you only see clothing, which makes sense based of what she does.
>Finally, opening a drawer next to her bed you find a couple of books.
>There's something called a "Daring Do", featuring a pony that reminds you of Indiana Jones.
>She also has some art of the dress book or something.
>Sitting on the edge of the bed you decide to read the Indy rip off as you wait for sleep.
>After you're halfway through the surprisingly interesting book, you feel yourself starting to get tired.
>You open the drawer and put the book inside of it, but before you close it you notice that it was the wrong one.
>This is her underwear drawer...you reach in and pull out a random pair.
>Holding up the simple pair of white cotton panties, you can't help but start to get hard with some dirty thoughts.
>And Coco chooses that exact moment to walk into the bedroom.

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>>25343496
>Suri just kinda pissed me off so I never really liked her much.
That is exactly the point.

When the arrogant jackass has something bad happen to them, people like it and smile at it. If Suri ends up being subject to some karmic retribution at the hands of either Anon, or a Coco who's discovering something about herself, then it would play out on multiple levels, like the best stories do.

>>25344105
>>And Coco chooses that exact moment to walk into the bedroom.
She's probably just glad that he didn't open the drawer that she keeps her dildo in, so she's likely to go into damage control mode and will try to get him to just put it back quickly and quietly.

Then she hopes really hard that he doesn't ask why the apparently nudist ponies would have underwear, and what it's used for. First contact scenario and all that.

This is kind of starting to look like a run of the mill "Anon fucks a character" story. It needs to tie in to the thread subject. Either by having Dom/Sub elements in it, or by adding a lot of worldbuilding for an existing setting that already involves strong Dom/Sub elements.

It's not unsalvageable, but try to get some domination of some kind going on soon. Hopefully not with a "Surprise, I, Anon, am actually a violent rapist!" transformation. The character's already been through a few awkward characterization steps. Remember that non-sexual domination has been the most popular and successful kind on the thread in the last... year, almost.

Also, be careful that the domination doesn't look like Anon being a useless, lazy shit. He needs a goal of some kind to focus on. All characters need to want something in a scene, even if it's just to get a glass of water.

I realize that this is a lot of stuff to say, and that I'm basically telling you to do a ton of stuff. Feel free to disregard whatever you want, but I think that at least being aware of these things will help you.

>>25344940
I have a plan, it might be simplistic and stupid, but it is a plan. I might not be proud of how long it took me to come up with this, but it is still a plan.

>>25345348
The plan has happened, it's just a lot shorter at the moment, so I'm going to try to get inspired enough to crank out a good amount for at least a full post.

>>25344105

>You swear, at this point her face is more often red than it's natural color.
"You know, these are pretty cute."
>"T-thanks..."
>"W-would you mind...just putting them back?"
>Nodding with a smile you place it back inside the drawer, but your hand feels something a bit harder.
>Curiosity getting the better of you, you move the undies out of the way, and see an exquisitely designed lilac collar.
"Oh, what's this?"
>As soon as she sees what you're pulling out her head immediately looks to the ground in shame.
>It has been a while since you've had a pet...
>And surely a king such as yourself is entitled to whatever he might seek, right?
>Totally.
"I asked you a question, Coco."
>"I...I d-don't like to talk about it..."
>Well, yeah that's obvious.
"And why not?"
>"B-because...n-no one wants me..."
>Oh...
>You weren't expecting that response.
>Keeping the collar in your hand you take a deep breath and move closer to her.
>Looking into her eyes you see that they're pretty watery.
>Slowly, you hold the collar out to her.
"That's just because you hadn't met me yet."

Alright, what should happen from here everyone?

>>25346095
Also same as last night, I start early, so I might head to bed soon.

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>>25341316
OK, who ate the queen of holland?

And he just fell over and died.

>>25346095
Find out how far along Coco is with Anon's clothes.
Maybe discuss relative nudity taboos with her.
Or, talk about what she wants with the collar, or what it is about it that she likes.
Put the collar on her, hold the accompanying leash, then the first order is to perform as his pillow for the night.
Now anon has an actual body pillow to sleep on while Coco is boiling over with a lot of different emotions.

This would be a good opportunity for a perspective switch for Coco.

>>25346095

Nobody wanted a stammering, submissive little thing like that? They don't know what they're missing. Anyhow, do not immediately go full sexual on her. Little shows of dominance first, build it up.

As the other responder said, we could get ourselves a nice little Coco-pillow tonight... but first make it clear we can get what we want, by questioning her on embarrassing topics.

>>25342751
Ask Fleur if NMM has any orders. Then dismiss everyone except Spitfire and Fleur. We'll talk with Spitfire first, then have a solid 1v1 with Fleur to figure out exactly what her role is here.

>>25348275
>Spitfire
If only we could have been assigned her instead of piehorse.

Bumping while on lunch.

You know, in retrospect, I'm a little surprised that the Suri / Coco idea hasn't been visited before in this thread.

Holy shit. I just found this thread and read the original Submission is Mandatory story.
All these new fetishes I never knew I wanted, and an Anon X Nightmare Moon that needs to happen, I love it.
Does anybody know when or if it is supposed to come off Hiatus?

>>25352721
MrNameless has been kill since this March. The story is not going to continue.

>>25352721
As >>25352783 has said, the story hasn't been updated since last March. The other dissapeared without telling anyone if/when he'd continue it, so it's a safe bet that it's dead. That being said, Escapade's work tends to be in the same setting, and his Octavia PoV is...well, set during the same story, from Octavia's point of view (and is planned to continue past where the original story left off).

>>25352835
>>25352783
Thanks for the quick response, at least my suffering of no hot Anon on Nightmare sex does not have to stew for too long.
Its so hard to find good 2nd person content involving Waifumare Moon.

The Octavia pov sounds interesting, may need to check it out later.

>>25352721
>an Anon X Nightmare Moon that needs to happen
There's stuff that's being worked on, don't worry. No full-on sex, but gradually drifting closer is my plan.

I've been... half dead. ArchiveMoe going down made it hard to catch up on the threads, but I'm back in the game, and trying to get back to working on that Sick Day chapter I left at the 3/4 mark all those months ago.

>>25353269
>trying to get back to working on that Sick Day
There is hope!

>>25344105
Things are moving a bit too fast for this to be believable for me, but I guess it could be just that Discord intentionally set up Anon with the cutest most submissive pony available.

Like the other Anon said, don't do sexual just yet. Put the collar on her, tell her she looks great in it, and she should keep wearing it. She's bound to find someone that wants her eventually, if she just shows how cute and obedient she can be.

Also, I'm not big on the Suri thing.

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>>25353535
>Things are moving a bit too fast for this to be believable for me
It's a first-time writer kind of thing. There are a lot of mistakes that are obvious, and a lot of things that just feel kind of weird. Coco's characterization, and the scenario setup once Anon gets to the house feel clunky and awkward, but it'll get better fast.

I still remember how awful the first1-3 chapters of Exchange Rate Anon was, and how much the writing improved after that with the rewrite.

Oddness is expected, and if you keep trying, I'm sure you'll find plenty of supportive critics in this thread. I strongly think that one of the characteristic aspects of this thread is that we're very encouraging and that we provide quality feedback for writers.

I'm not sure how to say this is more natural sounding language, but here goes: Take heart, Anon-who-is-writing-that-coco-cyoa, you're in good company.

Also, I found a page of tips for writing MLP CYOAs: http://anonpone.pineapplecomputing.com/advice

>>25353823
bump

>>25354642

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>>25342751
>First things first.
"Alright, what is the problem?"
>"Well as you know, Canterlot will be sending over some new ponies to work in the mines."
>"Which is great and all, except that according to esteemed miss Fleur here, all the ponies being sent are all prisoners, which leaves us in quite a pickle."
>"No." Soarin interjects shaking his head.
>"It's not a pickle, I can't believe we're even talking about this."
>He turns from March to you, his voice resonating with deep concern.
>"Your highness, I know this is the way things were being done thousand years ago."
>"But if you force these ponies to work, you will be bringing back a tradition that, even in the most remote parts of Equestria, has been outlawed for over thirty generations."
>"You should be working on releasing your slaves, not adding more of them."
>The Equestrians have always had problems with slavery.
>Who would have thought that they would still be so flustered about the war with the First Griffin Empire, eleven centuries ago?
>After of moment of hopeful silence, March takes back the word.
>"I'm really, REALLY sorry to say this... but the sad reality of the situation is, the crystals will not mine themselves."
>"I agree we need to improve the working conditions and treat these ponies better."
>"But I saw the numbers, the local economy is built on the mines and there will not be a pony left working in them if we don't make then."
>You raise your hoof to silence both of them, and turn to Fleur.
>Sheer convenience of slavery aside, one slave is four times cheaper to maintain than a regular worker, guardpony’s pay included.
"I assume the Empress has an opinion on this as well?"
>"Of course." she readjusts her mane.
>"All the ponies arriving are those who refused or failed to do their duty as Equestrian citizen."
>"The Empress thinks it would be adequate to give them another chance to prove their worth to the Empire, and they should be put to work as soon as possible."

>still haven't read everything from the last thread bamp!

>>25353269
"These are prisoners, Soarin. Convicts. Would you prefer to have them sit in cells all day long, weighing on our economy and finding idle time in which to rebel again? Nothing says I must work them to death or eternity, but they will work."

Hopefully his reaction will give us a bit of insight into where he stands. If he continues to stand up to our authority, we may actually have a problem - or an opportunity.

>>25356227
>Sheer convenience of slavery aside, one slave is four times cheaper to maintain than a regular worker, guardpony’s pay included.
I think actual slavery tends to be incredibly inefficient, unless you have a ton of support industries going on.

Think of the diamond mining slaves in Blood Diamond, and compare it to how the United States deals with the prison industry. (Once you're a prisoner, you're legally a slave, and they use prison labour for a lot of things.)

If there are absolutely no support structures, like in Blood Diamond, then slave labour will at least get the thing done, but if you have a pre-existing recruiting support structure, a populace that agrees with what they know about what you're doing, and a steady supply of labour to use to employ the indentured labourers that's a more guaranteed payoff than diamon mining, then the second option is the best one.

>>25357673
Most slaves are not mentally controlled through dark magic.

We also seem to have the support system in terms of free laborers (represented by March) working alongside the slaves. Getting them to work together might be valuable, not just in increasing production but also to convince Soarin we're not just discarding their lives.

The new labourers are going in the mines, same as always, but Umbra should make a public appearance when they enter the border and start up the work. It'll be a big event, with the slave workers and free pony labourers all in attendance. A good opportunity to do some politicking to raise morale (increasing productivity) and pay lip service to working with NMM instead of opposing her.

Umbra's not really able to use any serious magic at the moment, so it's best to try strategies that will give her some more breathing room before she has to apply force.

How much magic is she capable of using now, anyway? Enough for basic levitation, but not enough for any actual magic spells? How would she get into her secret workshop? You have to use a dark magic blast on that door to make it work.

>>25357700
>Most slaves are not mentally controlled through dark magic.
I hadn't considered that possibility.

Hey, its the cyoa anon, I just got home from work and I'm exhausted. I'll continue the story tomorrow sometime after the new episode.

-1 bumps

goodnight bump

>>25341316
NMM a qt

What would an average lunch or dinner conversation between NMM and Anon be like? What would they discuss?

>still haven't read stuff from the other thread bamp

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Wait. Something I just thought of.

We know that equestria's soil is absurdly wealthy when it comes to gems being in the ground, very close to the surface, and having enourmous geode boulders that somehow contain a huge variety of differently coloured crystals inside That is not how mineralogy works., and we also know that the Crystal Empire was known for their crystals, so they must be even more wealthy in that respect.

How productive would the mines be, and what would they possibly need all of those crystals for?

They don't have all that much in the way of trade, as far as I know, and their fancy buildings are made of the same type of mineral, not the variety that they'd be pulling up from the ground.

>>25366701
I've always assumed that there are huge veins of solid, uniform crystal running through the ground (something like the Canterlot caverns, except solid).

The trick isn't finding the stuff, but carefully shattering out large segments without damaging the rest. Large slabs are then brought back to the surface for construction and large-scale engineering work, while unusually fine or quality specimens (also usually smaller) are separated out and taken for further refining/working.

I'm loosely basing this on how marble is mined, mind you. Tiles and large panels are hacked out in huge lumps and then cut down to size, but smaller fine products tend to be taken from select veins found to be unusually good quality.

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>>25356227
>"The only thing /forcing/ them to work will prove is that they are afraid of whips. We need to give them a /choice/ if they want to work or not."
"These are prisoners, Soarin. Convicts. Would you prefer to have them sit in cells all day long, weighing on our economy and finding idle time in which to rebel again?"
"Nothing says I must work them to death or eternity, but they will work."
>"If you don't want them to rebel, then why are you giving them a reason to?"
>Soarin leans over the table, his wings instinctively extending, as he becomes agitated.
>"Slaves rebel. They always do. And no amount of whip or carrot is going to change that. The only way to stop slaves from rebelling is to stop having slaves!"
>"Soarin, please, the economy..."
>Albeit visibly feeling guilty, March tries to argue on your side.
>"This is NOT about the bits March! How can you approve of this? P...ponies are not things!"
"Enough."
>You speak with cold, balanced tone, void of emotion and leaving no room for debate.
"The Empress and I are in agreement."
"March? I want you to review the situation at all of the active mining sites, and find out which of them could use some added ponypower the most."
"I want the new laborers working alongside the regular workers. When they arrive, I will address them, and then they're going straight into the mines."
>Out of the corner of your eye, you spy a small complacent smile sitting on Fleur's face.
>It was entirely your decision, but there's no harm in letting her think otherwise.
"Soarin? I want the ponies to work, I don't want them to die. If you are concerned, examine the working conditions, and we will discuss them later. Understood?"
>"..."
>"Yes your highness, understood."
>He's not happy with the decision you've made, but being a soldier, he knows better than to argue with his superiors.
>Throwing him a bone like this, should be enough to make him feel like you at least listened to what he said.
"Then that will be all. Council dismissed."

>>25369201
If you'd like to question one the councilors in private, now would be the time. Who would you corner?

>>25358343
>How much magic is she capable of using now, anyway? Enough for basic levitation, but not enough for any actual magic spells?
Right now, there’s nothing stopping you from using normal unicorn magic, save lack of knowledge. All you know how to do right now is basic telekinesis. Dark magic...well, there’s a fine line between what you’re like now, and the screaming smoke monster Sombra was in the show. Nothing says you CAN’T use it, it just might not end well right now.

>How would she get into her secret workshop?
Now that is a very good question. One you’ll have to figure out the answer to.

>>25366701
The way I see it, all that crystal mining has to be for a reason.

The Griffon Kingdom wasn't a major trade partner, and Equestria was apparently at war with them, except for a few border towns where a little bit of trading was done.

Maybe the crystals were some kind of consumable resource, like coal, but for magical applications.

I could also see it as being used for a building material, but I'm not sure why it would be used. It would make for a good tourist attraction, but I don't think that they'd have much of a tourism industry going, considering that they have the whole slavery thing, and it's always represented as a dark, stormy night in flashbacks.

You can only glue so many shiny things onto an object before decorating it any further is a waste.

>>25369201
Holding Soarin and Fleur. Talk with Soarin first, and raise your concerns about his loyalties and character. If he wants to leave, nows the time. Then dismiss him, and talk with Fleur. What did the Empress task her with? Is there anything the Empress wants done? Clarify what her position with NMM is.

>>25369201
>>25369247

Okay, grab Soarin. Make it clear that we're willing to listen to him, but if we cannot have him directly challenging our authority in front of the other advisers. He really wants to convince us that he's got a point? He can start by making sure his voice is one worth listening to for us, and second can present a viable alternative for these ponies, considering that they are still prisoners and cannot be released.

After that, Fleur.

>>25371191
>>25371470
>>25369247
Our course of action is clear.

We need to bang Fleur.

>>25371586
...now I'm honestly wondering what would happen if we broke Fleur and then gave her to Soarin as a sex slave.

I mean, aside from Nightmare probably beheading us for literally screwing her messenger. But Soarin's spaghetti would be worth it.

>

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>>25371871
What I'm wondering is why, after the thread generally agreed that or at least the only consistent voices agreed that femdom wasn't something that a majority of people were interested in, the Umbra CYOA chose to go with a female pony character as the viewpoint character.

It's harder for me to immerse myself in the viewpoint of a former empress and dark magic wielder on par with alicorns if they play their cards right who's just gotten back to reality and is now just at the normal-powered unicorn level.

It's just not a relateable viewpoint, and the possible lesbian, femdom, or creating a situation where my viewpoint is the sub fetish content in it doesn't really interest me.

There are several reasons that most CYOAs (that I know of, at least), feature a pulled-from-his-normal-life-with-no-warning Anon who is baseline human in basically all respects.

That said, I think Umbra should find out what happened to her old assistant. A good assistant is invaluable, and that should be one of her priorities.

Is the assistant lost? Are they affected by the "I don't want to remember" effect that the rest of the crystal populace was in the show? Are you still going with the "Her toungue was working a very different set of lips the other day.~" sex jokes? Please don't. They fell flat and felt inconsistent with the rest of the character..

night bump

>>25372881
>The thread generally agreed
The thread doesn’t agree on a fucking thing. I’m just happy they’ve so far avoided turning into “SiM2: Not ran by Nameless edition.”

>It's just not a relateable viewpoint
So what you’re saying is, every pone story needs to be starring Anon, 4chan's favorite self-insert Gary Stu OC who gets ALL the waifus. Do you just refuse to watch anything if the main character isn’t a guy? Who gives a fuck if the character’s relatable, I can’t think of anyone who watched The Avengers and cried about how the main characters “weren’t relatable” because they were superheroes.

>Most CYOAs feature human Anon
You may want to check that again, then. I don’t think there’s a single one running that DOES.

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>>25374676
>So what you’re saying is, every pone story needs to be starring Anon, 4chan's favorite self-insert Gary Stu OC who gets ALL the waifus. Do you just refuse to watch anything if the main character isn’t a guy? Who gives a fuck if the character’s relatable, I can’t think of anyone who watched The Avengers and cried about how the main characters “weren’t relatable” because they were superheroes.
Are you seriously making that argument? Is this really what you read into that post?

Tell me about all the audience members who were asked to put themselves into the Avengers' shoes and write a story based on that. Trick question, you can't.

The difference is that the Avengers are characters in a movie that we're supposed to watch and marvel at, not write on our own.

The difference is that one work is meant to be consumed while thinking "wow, this is so incredible and larger-than-life that it's fantastic to see these impossible situations be put to film!" and the other is a story where everyone involved is expected to pull some of the authorial work in an extremely open-ended situation.

The difference is that one of these stories is essentially prepackaged, and the other is a Choose Your Own Adventure in an exceptionally open-ened style.

Have you ever wondered why most of these CYOAs tend to take place in a small, localized area? It's because the writing standards and creativity has to be brought down to a level that the average Anon in the thread can get a good handle on. Having a wide, sprawling adventure across the world where every other entry takes place in a new, distinct area full of character isn't viable in this kind of story.

You'd need to have the author doing all the worldbuilding and most of the situation controls such that the readers are choosing between a small number of obvious, clear choices, and not doing most of the writing themselves, which is another reason that this CYOA isn't taking off as well as it could.

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>>25374676
>It's just not a relateable viewpoint
Continuing what I was saying about author control and who's doing the bulk of the writing, you have to have a much deeper understanding of a character to *write* them than you do to *read* them. It's a much more involved process.

Even the Anon from Nameless' story. There was plenty of discussion about what his character was, based on how he acted in the story, and the decisions we made for him.

>You may want to check that again
>The thread doesn’t agree on a fucking thing
You may want to re-read my post. That black line in the text box is spoiler text. Put your mouse over it to reveal what it said. I'm aware that there were people arguing for different things, but I'm also aware that the more consistently numerous viewpoint was one that did not enjoy femdom.

I was one of the multiple people who didn't really enjoy femdom for the sake of femdom, but I also promoted the Anon Loses A Bet with Rarity story because I liked the setup and potential character dynamics.

I make it a point to look for the positives in every argument and position I can see, and I even try to promote and help out with ideas and concepts that I'm not terribly invested in because I like helping out with the creative process.

I always try to give a lot of good feedback, and I've been going out of my way to make suggestions for the Umbra story and try to start worldbuilding and background information discussions on it to help it get more fleshed out.

(cont.)

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>>25375624
The fact of the matter is that there are two fundamental aspects of the writing decisions made in the story that are holding it back from getting as much discussion as some of the other stories in this thread have.

One is the more sparse economy of words that the writing pack is putting out, putting more of the creative onus on the thread, rather than simple, obvious choices that have a lot of reader investment in it.

The other is that it features a rule 63 character that doesn't have much development in the show. This affects reader engagement because we don't have as much of a solid personality core to play off of as we do of the other characters, and we generally don't have as much of a headcanon personality of a r63 version of the character if we don't know the original. This Umbra had clumsy characterization when she was introduced, and there were a few posts noticing that. The fact is that we have a r63 supervillain of inconsistent and unknown power that we're supposed to push through a very free-form story.

This could just be me, but I have a hard time seeing how a supervillain would choose her own adventure to the point of being a sub. That implies a lack of authority and ambition, unless an existing close relationship gets established. Seeing a male character being focused on and described in a sexually subservient way does nothing for me, so I don't have any imagination in that area and I can't contribute things there.

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>>25375633
CYOAs need to have the author(s) driving the plot and world, while the readers just get the steering wheel once in a while. This story is relying on the readers to provide too much of the momentum.

The worldbuilding is a little disconnected with the story so far, mentioning trade relations, visitors from other countries, and economics. It's not bad, but we need to start getting a view of what's in front of us in order to have tools, hooks, and other aspects of our immediate world to play off of. We need more stuff to go on.

How about food? Let's see what crystal ponies, or Umbra, eats, or likes to eat. How is the meal served? Does she eat in a private dining room, or with a small audience of higher-ranked staff that she has managing things for her?

Having finally caught up, first off I'm enjoying the CK COYA. It got off to a shaky start, but it's got me interested.

That said, I agree with what others have generally been saying with regards to length of updates. It's cool that the writers are trying to engage the thread, and that as someone said, this isn't just SiM 2: different setting.. but I feel like it could use some more autonomy for the sake of cohesiveness and flow.

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Idea: What if we make one of the incoming workers Maud?

I'm thinking about having a rock/crystal thematic connection between her and Umbra.

>>25377308
>What if we make one of the incoming workers Maud?
...Well now you have me wondering. Without access to Ponk, how WOULD you break Maud? What would that even look like?

>>25377308
Now I'm wondering how Maud and Octavia would interact.

>>25377564
We could hold Boulder hostage.

>>25377663
bump

>>25377604
Maud becoming the castle's newest maid to attempt to rescue her sister when?

>>25375870
This.

>>25375870

Not trying to argue, but genuine question: What kind of autonomy are you looking for, exactly? Like, plot proceeds more autonomously without input or more autonomy in terms of us having more available choices?

>>25380215
Not him but I think he means more autonomy on Umbra's/the plot's part, based on the rest of the thread that he was apparently agreeing with.

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>>25369201
"Soarin, stay here for a word. The rest of you can leave."
>The other two ponies give you bow, and walk away.
>Greta bows as well, then trots away at a brisk pace.
>Whatever her opinion was, she's glad no one wanted to hear it.
>Soarin covers his face with his hooves for a moment, and takes a long deep breath, calming himself down, and folding his wings back where they belong.
>Then turns to you and listens, looking down.
"Soarin..."
>You trail off waiting for him to make eye contact.
"That was inappropriate."
>He looks down again.
>"Yes your highness."
"This was the last time you argued with me in front of the other councilors. I can't have you challenge my authority like that."
>"Yes your highness, I was out of my place, it will not happen again."
"No, it won't."
>You look for any signs of disobedience or resistance.
>Sideway glances, rapid breathing, subtle shaking...
>He may not let it happen again, but he certainly wants to.
"I don't want you to argue with me when the others are around, but now that it's just the two of us, do you have anything to say?"
>The speed with which his response arrives surprises you.
>It doesn't show in his tone, but it’s in the way he's breathing.
>"I thought was here to give you my honest opinions, not to tell you what you wanted to hear."
>First you thought he was sad, but no, he's angry.
"You are completely right about that one. But you're here to give me your opinion, NOT to argue with me."
"If that's what you came here to do, then you're going to have to leave."
>"Permission to speak freely, your highness?"
>Didn't he already pass that point?
"Yes, of course."
>"I didn't ask for this job. I was assigned to it. If you want someone to replace me, write a letter demanding my replacement, And I will personally take it back to Cloudsdale."

>>25382569
"That's not what I meant."
>"..."
"The problem is not you, it's your attitude."
>"Your highness?"
"I listened to what you had to say, but you didn't give me a viable alternative."
"Letting them sit in prison doesn't make them any more free than working in the mines does."
"They are prisoners, not free people arriving of their own will, I can't just let them go."
>"Why?"
>What?
"... I just said that they are prisoners."
>"I know, but why? Why are they prisoners?"
>Again, what?
"Because they committed crimes…? Do you seriously not know how the law works or you trying to make some point?"
>"I mean why are they prisoners? Did they kill somepony? Did they set something on fire? Did they steal something?"
"I... don't know."
>Not that you particularly cared either.
>When you conquer a town, you don't differentiate between who fought against you and who was just hiding, everyone becomes a slave.
>It's a punishment for being on the wrong side and getting caught.
>"And that's exactly the problem."
>Soarin pauses and glances behind him, then turns back to you.
>"Ever since the Empress came to power, there have been large scale raids and arrest all across the Empire."
>"Did hundreds of ponies just decide to start raping and murdering, when the Sun didn't come up?"
>This far up north, not seeing sun for a few weeks was normal occurrence every winter.
>You're honestly not sure if such a thing could drive a southern pony insane.
"You think that the Empress decided to arrest them just for fun? Are you saying that they didn't do anything wrong?"
>"No, of course I don't know what they did..."
>"But neither do you. And you shouldn't be deciding what their fate will be until you know /why/ they are in prison."
>"Just because the Empress..."
>He thinks about how, or if, he should finish that sentence.
>"Just because the Empress said something doesn't mean that you have to do the same. You have a choice."

>>25372881
>>25375633
We're very well aware that male-dom is the more popular choice here, but that story already exists. It's written by MrNameless and it's awesome.

And It's actually also the reason why we didn't want to use Anon ourselves. We wanted to bring something new. If we keep doing the same thing over and over again, the thread will stagnate and die. Nobody is going to say "There's a femdom story now, it's all over, I'm leaving the thread" but there might be people that might say "Hey this is something that I like, the thread might be worth checking out after all."

We are aiming to have a broader appeal than just the people that are already SiM regulars. It's why we're mixing the old with the new. Not doing the same thing again, but not doing the complete opposite either.

With that in mind, we had some choices to make. Do we want to use anon? But then it will be too similar to SiM, we would need to do an entirely different setting. Do we want to keep the setting? But then we need to use a different protagonist. What is Anon like? Magicless, human, male. So how about magic wielding unicorn mare? But who? NMM? Nah, her character is already too well defined, people would be arguing about "what would NMM do" not "what should we do". Chrysalis? People like her, and they would love abusing her shape shifting abilities... but she's too independent for us writers to handle. What if the players want to take the story completely off the rails? What will hold them back? What if they want to start an all-out war with Equestria? How will we write a story about that, and still have it related to the thread? We wouldn't. No, we need a character that is dominant and can have her own pets, but also has some other character keeping her in check...

>>25382664 (cont.)
You may not like what we come up with, but I hope you understand we put a LOT of thought into who is the main character, why did we put her in a situation we did, and why did we skip the first two weeks and started the story here and not right after her return.

>>25366701
>>25372881
>>25375644
What's up with the crystal ponies? Where does Umbra eat? What happened with Jewel? Is she under mind control? What's up with Umbra's magic? How does she get to her secret workshop? Why are we mining all those crystals when Equestria is literally full of them?

All those questions have answers. But if we gave them to you right now there would be nothing left for you to explore. You wanted to start with the council and politics, so that's what you're getting right now. Yes, the introduction was a mess, sorry about that. I wanted to give you all the information I thought you needed, in as little time as possible to get to the COYA-ing as soon as possible, and I messed it up. Again, sorry, and thanks for not ditching the story right away.

>>25372881
>>25375633
And as far as sexual stuff goes. Believe it or not, I personally am not into femdom either. (Yes, I'm serious.) I chose it to give the thread something new, not because it was my fetish. Escapade's NMM domination got a pretty good response overall. So I think that the actual issue is with submissive males, rather than dominant females. It's why we choose the first pet to be a mare, and why (spoiler alert) It will be up to the popular vote if the other positions in your harem will be filled with mares or stallions.

>>25375490
>Have you ever wondered why most of these CYOAs tend to take place in a small, localized area?
Yes we did. And we almost did the same thing, but then we realized that one of the things in SiM that didn't really work for us was that Anon's world was so small. He went out on patrols, but we never saw them happen, we were told that there was a rebellion, but we never got to deal with any actual rebels. Things were happening around Anon, but he was not part of them. It was just him, his hallways, his pets, and NMM's throne room.

So we chose a different approach, and decided put Umbra to position where she can influence and be influenced by the big things that happen in the kingdom. We realize that it means we can't give her the same kind of do-anything-you-want freedom that Anon had, because the consequences of her actions will be global not just personal. But having a bigger world will let us tell the kind of story we never could if we focused on "magicless human in Equestria."

We don't want to "bring down the standards of writing and creativity" We want to build a world, let you explore it and play with it. The story could be doing better, of course, it always could, but it's already doing better than we expected and just the fact that you all cared enough to give us this much feedback tells me that we're doing something right. It tells me that you care and that you don't think that this story is a lost cause. And it's why we keep pushing forward.

>>25375870
>I feel like it could use some more autonomy for the sake of cohesiveness and flow.
There are three of us working on this thing, and at the moment, it's me the one who's in charge of the actual writing. You are dealing with politics, and I think that politics should be a discussion. So I need to make short, frequent updates giving you as much space as possible with "who do you talk to" and "what do you want to tell to them".

More independent Umbra might work better in some different scenarios, and under a different writer, so the flow might change accordingly. We're still figuring the things out. So please, keep the feedback coming and have patience with us. The experience is new for us as well.

>>25382599
If you start doing what Soarin said you could gain the Empress's attention.
And not in a good way.

Drug busts. Traitor hideouts. Rebel camps.
Many reasons. Why do we care?

>>25382664
>that story already exists. It's written by MrNameless and it's awesome.
It also hasn't seen an update in a very long time, leaving that niche effectively dead.

This story so far isn't my cup of tea, but there are some structural issues that impact it's development and reader engagement that have nothing to do with taste.

For example, when I was talking about the readers having the steering wheel rather than driving the plot, I meant that the entries for the story don't have choices that are as clear cut as they could be.

It means that in order for someone to make a contribution, they have to have a writer's viewpoint on things and be able to look at the situation from at least three different perspectives simultaneously, which not everyone is good at doing. It's a lot harder to say "Umbra should zap half the people here, terrify the rest into obedience, and then go eat pizza." than it is to say "Try to fight off the assassination attempt / Try to run to the safe room so you can fight back with your full abilities".

>>25382599

Yeah, I was afraid Soarin was going to be like this.

So, big question is, do we actually give a fuck if Nightmare's sending us innocent ponies? I mean, we don't seem to be a particularly caring type... but that doesn't bode well for our relationship with her.

Bump before bed.

What was the other CYOA based on again?

>>25382734
First off, I love that you are doing something different, and I love that this is going to be a big complex expansive world. This is an area I disagree with the hive mind on, I think once the world is established, this is going to be awesome.

>>You are dealing with politics, and I think that politics should be a discussion. So I need to make short, frequent updates giving you as much space as possible with "who do you talk to" and "what do you want to tell to them".
The problem as I see it is we don't really know who "you" is yet. As others have said, normally you is Anon, aka us, and we can generally relate to the character automatically. Umbra is unestablished, we know very little about her opinions or personality, her goals, her weaknesses, etc. The last few "what would you do" moments I've had very little with regard to strong opinion because I'm not really invested in the character yet and don't really know what we're even heading towards.

Maybe this is unavoidable this early on, and maybe once things get going it'll automatically fix itself, but I feel like this is the issue everyone has been getting at in one way or another. We're being asked "what would this character you don't know or understand do in order to.. I dunno.. something.." and the answer is basically "uh.. talk to the griffon I guess..".

Up we go.

>>25387562

Beepedy boop.

page 9 bump

>>25385212
Well, since no suggestions, I'll just modify my answer to say that we should point out to Soarin that defying us or the Empress openly right now is a really, really dumb idea and that if he honestly believes there are innocent ponies enslaved out there, he needs to find proof himself. Defying the Empress based on one stallion's hunch isn't going to end well for him or us.

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The imported pony labour is here.
They're going to be put to work.
The concession is the Umbra will actually make an appearance and hold a public address where she talks to the newer workers, and the rest of her labour force.

Since the reason Umbra is doing this whole gem mining operation that the entire country's economy is apparently based on is being kept secret from the people trying to suggest Umbra's next action, I have nowhere near enough information to plan the next part. I'd have to make big, poorly-though-out assumptions about what the real reason is.

That said, let's move on.

Umbra's speech should be that their work, will not be in vain, and that the toils are going to a good cause that will raise the standing of the Crystal Kingdom to being much higher than the rest of their peers.

An incentives program is offered for good work, and a disincentives program is implemented for poor work.

The top 30 or so workers for the week will get a week's vacation. They have only slightly better accomodations and better food, but they don't have to work, and can use that time to read, cook, play sports in the slave compound, or relax in any way they choose.

The bottom 20 workers are put into shittier housing than normal for a week. Colder, cramped, uncomfortable, and a bit wet. They are woken by annoyingly loud noises and / or minor whippings every day, no matter how they behave at that point. They are whipped at the beginning and end of every meal, and they also get less, worse food than usual. Because Umbra is an asshole.

However, she's giving 30 ponies rewards, which means that, after you subtract the 20 punished ponies, she has a net reward of 10 ponies who are very happy with that week, so she thinks she's doing a very generous thing for them.

Meanwhile, she's in her sub-basement with a small mountain of magic crystal-cocaine that she huffs in order to get even more magical and get higher than all the countries around her.

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>>25377604
More Octavia when?

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>>25382599
>Could the Empress really be sending you innocents?
>Would she arrest ponies that didn't do anything, just so that she would have enough workers to feed to your mines?
>Does she even need to?
>The regular criminals aside, the Empire must be brimming with traitors, rebels and dissidents.
>If vandals deserve to be punished for destroying other pony's property, then rebels deserve to be punished for trying to destroy Nightmare's Empire.
>If that's the kind of ponies she's sending to you, then releasing them would be... problematic to say the least.
>You need to keep the relationship working.
>Whatever the reason for their imprisonment, she thought it right to put them to jail, and defying her authority like this would be pointlessly stupid.
"I'm not doing this because the Empress said so. I'm doing it because it's the right choice."
"These ponies are prisoners for a reason. If you honestly believe some of them are innocent, you'll need to find the proof yourself. I can't base my decisions on a hunch."
>He's not happy with what you say, but he listens and faces you when you speak.
>"I... understand."
>Somewhere deep inside of his eyes, you can see that a spark of hope just died.
>Sadly, there's nothing you can do to save it.
>Not without doing something that would be really, really dumb.
"In the future, if you have any issues with the decisions I make, you can discuss them with me in private."
"Openly defying me, or the Empress however, would not end well for you. Do you understand?"
>"Yes, your highness."
"It won't be a problem, will it?"
>"No, your highness. I'm a soldier, I'm not trained to like my orders, I'm trained to carry them out."
"..."
>"Permission to leave?"
>There's nothing more you can do right now.
>Not while he's imagining innocent fillies and colts, starving and working 16 hours a day just so you could have some extra bits for your treasury.
>Or whatever he thinks the inside of your mines looks like.
>With a wave of a hoof, you send him away.

>>25392461
What do you do next? Go visit Fleur in her chambers… or go back to you own private chambers and find you what happened with Jewel (the pet from before the banishment). Or something entirely different?

Also, as usual, Tuesday is my busy day, so no update tomorrow.

>>25384739
This is on purpose. Providing you with ABCD (yes, like I just did) greatly restricts your creative freedom. This is a story, not a video game. The green is not pre-packaged, it's made as it goes along. You don't need a writer's viewpoint, you don’t need three different perspectives, all you need is an opinion. Humans (and ponies) are not creatures of pure logic. You are not supposed to properly consider every possible viewpoint and consequence. If you could do that, there would be no room for opinions, tastes and emotions. The story could be technically perfect, but it would be completely sterile. Make a decision in any way you like, and then just hope for the best. Like in real life.

>>25391977
>That said, let's move on.
If we answered that question right now, you'd start discussing the details of future mining operation, instead of focusing on what's happening in the story right now. At the moment, we’re trying to avoid going back to just plot dump. If you want the story to be a story, then exposing on exactly WHY the crystals are needed and wanting to know every aspect of the Crystal Kingdom’s economy would kill the flow, when the issue here is not, “Do we mine the crystal cocaine?” but “What do you want to do with an incoming shipment of helpless ponies?”

>>25387126
>Umbra is unestablished, we know very little about her opinions or personality, her goals, her weaknesses, etc.

See, that was why I was alright with an Umbra based CYOA. You’re absolutely right that very little is known about her personality, her motivations...and that’s because it’s all up to you. All we had know about Umbra going in is that she at one point ruled the Crystal Empire, had slaves, and banished the thing herself. Otherwise, you’re essentially Anon the unicorn. Are you the kind of ruler who enslaves ponies and has a blast with it? Are you a reluctant ruler who tries to do the “right thing,” even if the right thing is objectively horrible? Are you essentially the Joker with magic? That’s all questions you guys get to answer.
Hell, that’s why we had skipped the first two weeks. There’s not a whole lot of huge choices you could make without getting killed or thrown to Anon, so when we revisit it, it will be YOUR Umbra dealing with Nightmare Moon, not some writer’s headcanon of Umbra.

>>25392461
First off, just a quick comment: Keep doing this. I'm genuinely enjoying it, and would at least like to see where it leads. Not everything always goes right with CYOAs, and you will have to improve - but as long as you keep up the drive to improve, it's worth it.

Now, getting back to actual suggestions: Fleur tried to put us down earlier, so let's keep her waiting a bit in return and go figure out what happened to our pet in the meantime.

Before-bed bump.

>>25394745
To talk to your bedroom, and then summon Fleur. It's important we host her in our room, and not the other way around. We need to set the tone with her since she's the most important pony here besides us. If we can win her favor that would be best, but we must make sure that she knows who runs things here. Also, have her explain exactly what her job is so it's clear for us to understand.

>read later bamp

>>25396525
When we go see her, this is absolutely true.

>>25392528
Personally I vote for a more reasonable Umbra. Not NMM's brand of reasonable but reasonable based on contemporary values. We don't want to go white knight, and she needs a fun sadistic side, but maybe she actually shows clemency/legitimately rewards those who do good or have at least "served their time". Lets have doom and gloom with a real light at the end of the tunnel.

Reward/punishment based stuff is totally my thing, and this thread tends to shy away from the first part of that (or twists things so that reward is actually less violent rape or similar).

>

>

>>25401169
Inspiring.

Bamps.

>>25401169
Luna's neck is on the wrong way.

>>25398940
I love the whole NMM scary backwards viewpoint on everything from SiM and especially Escapade's stuff, but yeah, if Umbra is basically Anon the unicorn, I think it makes more sense if her thinking is more "normal". Would make her more relatable, plus would be a nice change.

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It seems like the thread's slowing down a lot lately, so I'll bring this back to remind people of some very important things.

Mendicant is still a cunt.

>>25404961
>In other news: MrNameless is not coming back

>>25406016
>first thought: damn that's a stupid place to have a towel bar, that towel is gonna get soaked..
>the actual fuck is wrong with me

>>25406383
Hey, I remember once going out of my way to find smut to fap to, then 5 minutes later realizing that I was reading a forum discussion about people arguing the strengths and weaknesses of possibly switching the code bases of a smut game.

Noticing things that others won't, and trying to be aware of all aspects of a situation is something that a lot of the world needs.

>>25406383
My first thought was her bow was going to get wet.

>Checking-in
Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. IRL stuff is keeping me pretty busy, which is makes finding time to write green more difficult. It's not permanent by any means, but it's inconvenient. At the /absolute/ longest it will be a month, but realistically, I'm confident I'll be able to give either Octavia or a one-shot within a week or two. As I said, this isn't unusual, but I like to prevent you all from panicking.

>Umbra CYOA
I'll still be able to contribute to Umbra CYOA if it's needed. Skype is always an option.

>>25408775
yay

Bamper

>

Before-bed bump.

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>>25392461
>Once you’re certain Soarin’ won’t return with any last second outburst, you set off towards your bed chambers.
>You still need to deal with the Empresses little pet, but you’re going to do so on your terms, not hers.
>Scaling three new flights of stairs, you once again find yourself torn between regretting having your castle built like this, and lamenting the fact that you never learned how to teleport the “conventional” way.
>Still, you eventually find yourself outside the ornate doors to your bedroom.
>As you’re about to open them, you pause, and look over at the plain, unassuming door right by yours, leading to your hoofmare’s room.
>Now that you think of it...you haven’t seen Jewel at all since you’ve returned from Canterlot.
>You know you SHOULD summon that prissy unicorn mare but...
>It has been a long, stressful week, you’ve just dealt with ponies trying to order you around in YOUR castle, an incompetent griffin, and a quite possibly seditious pegasus.
>Little miss “voice of the Empress” can wait.
>You’ll deal with her when and where YOU wish, and right now?
>You want nothing more than to relax.
>What better way than to do it with your favorite stress reliever?
“Oh Jeeewwweeel,” you sing out.
>The walls to her room are paper thin, so she’ll always be able to hear your call.
>Yet, despite the fact that she KNOWS better than to leave you waiting, there’s no response.
>You frown. Where has that stupid girl gone to?

>>25413437
>If you have to actually get up and look around the castle for her…
>Well, her screams would be a clearer message to Fleur than any discussion the two of you could have.
>Snarling, you throw open her door to make sure she isn’t trying to hide from you, revealing...oh right.
>”M-mistress…? Is that you?” Jewel calls out, exhaustion dripping from her voice.
>Your hoofmare’s balanced on her hind legs, a dog collar around her neck which in turn, is hooked into an almost taut chain leading to the ceiling.
>NOW you remember!
>She had asked you what you wanted her to do while you were gone, and you left her hanging.
>Hiding your grin at that private joke, you spark your horn.
“Yes Jewel, it’s me. I’m here now.”
>You gently grasp your favored servant in your magic, undoing the collar and cradle her before you, having lifting her out of that stress position.
>She shuts her eyes tight as you levitate her over to you, whimpering out, “Th-thank you Mistress. I missed you…”
>A warm smile dances across your lips.
>You give a cursory examination to your slave, making sure she’s clean, that there aren’t any obvious signs of your guards taking advantage of her while you were out.
>Her still quaking legs and deep bags under her eyes are testament to her exhaustion, but you don’t see any other signs of abuse.
“As you should have. I trust the servants kept you well fed?”
>She nods her head, still keeping her eyes closed.
>”Yes Mistress, they did. One of the maids tried to let me down, but I wouldn’t let her!”
>”Good girl, Jewel,” you coo to her, brushing over her back with a ripple of magic.

>>25413447
>The fact that a maid tried to go against your will is a tad disconcerting...but you’ll deal with her tomorrow.
>It’s a good thing you recently came into possession of a whole herd of new ponies...ones who’ll be quite fun to break in.
>Surely one of them would love to be a maid instead of a miner.
“Come along now. You and I are going to have a bit of fun before you get to rest.”
>She gives the barest of pauses before nodding her head again, “Y-yes Mistress, I would love that.”
>Levitating her behind you, you trot into your room, soon depositing the exhausted mare onto your bed.
>Humming to yourself, you swish your tail as you approach your toy chest.
>Opening it, you peruse through the contents. It has pretty much everything anypony lucky enough to spend the night with you could want for a...fun time.
>That’s of course if you even want to use them.
>The question is...what do you want to do tonight?

>>25413453
Do you have a pastebin?

>>25414597
Right here http://pastebin.com/pTJLPBjR

That's part of the CYOA primarily run by Beran.

>>25413453
Fucking hell, we're lucky she didn't choke to death while we were gone. That could have been a very, very slow death by strangling.

I say we be more gently dominating tonight, if we even do anything serious at all. She's been through a lot already, no need to be excessively hard on her. That kind of devotion should be rewarded.

>>25415370
Agree, be gentle.. may be a good opportunity to get some back story in via conversation.

>

Upsies.

>>25415370
>>25415423
I guess we have to define who jewel is and what the relationship is.

I kinda like the idea of Jewel being a kind of weird unwitting confidant. Like Umbra would kinda bounce ideas off her/talk about her day while she does whatever it is she does, not expecting any real response or anything, just kinda using her as a sounding board.

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>>25413453
>As you gaze over your collection of toys, any plan you try to form devolves into the same guilty thought.
>You hadn’t meant for her to be chained to the ceiling for a week.
>What you had intended to be a little reminder that she is nothing without you, had blown into nothing but torture, because you hadn’t expected to be gone more than two days, let alone a whole week.
>She could have died.
>Not only that, she must have realized it, and STILL turned that maid away.
>That level of devotion deserves to be rewarded, not tormented further.
>You close the chest and turn back to look at your hoofmare. Her eyes are glazed over, her eyelids drooping as her head threatens to fall forward onto your bed.
>Still...she serves YOU, not the other way around. You aren’t going to let her rest quiiiite yet.
>After all, if not her, then who else would you use?
>You wonder if that’s another thing you should fix, while you set aside your regalia and cloak.
>Climbing onto your bed, you grasp her cheeks in your magic.
>She stiffens against your pull, most likely out of fear, as you force her to look at you.
“Jewel...you deserve a reward for doing such a good job. Tell me. What would YOU like to do tonight?”
>”I…” Her mouth works wordlessly as her eyes dart back and forth, looking over you for any hint as to the ‘correct’ answer.
>Finally, she says, “I would like whatever you’d like, Mistress.”
>You shake your head.
“No, no, that’s not a proper reward. I want you to tell me what YOU want.”
>Her eyes snap shut and she winces as though you had slapped her.
>Well, tries to wince, anyway.
>Your grip on her keeps her from actually being able to pull her head away.
>You get up and walk around her, looking over the (relatively) recently crystallized form of your pet.

>>25419421
>Keeping your horn sparked, you let go of her face before gingerly ‘grasping’ the folds of her sex with your magic, simulating a tongue running over her nether lips.
>She shivers, a whimper leaking out from her muzzle.
>However, she still doesn’t give you an answer.
“Tell me, Jewel. How long have you...personally served me?”
>Her ears perk up a bit. She must feel safer with questions that have an objective answer.
>”J-just under a yyyyear, Mistress.”
>Keeping up your magical teasing under her tail, you go on.
“How much of that time have you been my only hoofmare?”
>”Th-three months, Mistress.”
>A smile brushes over your lips for a moment.
“You’ve done such a great job since you’ve started working solo. Do you mean to tell me you’ve never once thought about what you’d like, never fantasized about something for yourself?”
>Her ears sink right back down against her head, as you bring up her former “co-worker.”
>”I…” she tenses up, fidgeting a bit on the bed.
>Is that her working up courage, or a climax?
>”I would just like to cuddle with you tonight, Mistress!” She finally blurts out.
>You pause, raising an eyebrow.
>She hunches down, quivering, her muscles visibly tense under her sparkling fur.
>She’s serious, isn’t she?
>...Do you really want to just do THAT?

>>25419436
I mean, we did almost kill her. She's probably exhausted, and after a week, her body is worn down too far. She needs time to recover. If she wants cuddles, she gets cuddles.

>>25419436
...do we happen to have some kind of magical vibrator substitute? We could always cuddle her through the night with one of those left in her.

Even if not, I recommend we put her in some light, not terribly restraining bondage just to ensure she keeps in mind by whose grace she's allowed this rest.

Also, cuddling someone lightly chained up is absolutely my fetish.

>catching up on the thread bump

Before-bed bump.

>>25419436
Daw loved it

>>25420364
I like the idea of tying her up for cuddles. Definitely works for the kind but still dominant angle.

M-mine too.

<

>

>I wish the mobile version had a delete option bamp

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>>25419436
>You look over her still cowering form, ceasing her magical molestation.
>She only curls in tighter, a little squeak arising from her throat...she’s obviously thinking she made the wrong decision.
>Well, you did offer her a reward. If she wants cuddles, then she’ll get cuddles.
>However...they will be on your terms, not hers.
>Keeping your horn alit, you open your toy chest and levitate a few lengths of rope out and over to you.
“If that is what you’d like…”
>She lifts her head, cracking an eye open to look at you. “Mistress…?”
>Enveloping her in your magical aura, you lift your hoofmare off the bed, eliciting a yelp of surprise.
>Floating her a few inches off the bed, you easily force her enervated legs against her barrel.
>As you coil the ropes around her, securing each of her limbs, she whimpers out, “M-mistress, wh-what are you doing?”
“I’m giving you what you want. However, I’m not going to let you forget that it’s only by my grace that you’re allowed this rest.”
>You consider securing her mouth as well. She’s questioning you, and she doesn’t really NEED to talk right now.
>However...some proper adoration would be nice, after dealing with that council.
>Deciding you’d rather hear your pet sing, you simply make sure the ropes binding your pet are secure and lay her on her side with her head on a pillow.
>Laying against her, you pull her back against your belly.
>You can feel the tension in her unwind as you wrap a foreleg around her.
>”Thank you, Mistress. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she sighs and nuzzles against your chin.
>You pat her barrel with a hoof, prompting her to mutter out, her voice slurring, “You’re so warm…”

>>25426900
>Smiling, you muse to yourself.
>You HAD planned on simply using your pet and make Fleur stew a bit before you summoned her, but if you’re cuddling Jewel, it would make any meeting with Fleur...awkward, to say the least.
>Then again, nothing says you can’t make her wait until “morning” to meet you.
>Jewel twitches against the ropes keeping her helpless, the muscles in her back jerking against you, evidence that she’s already falling asleep.
>She can’t even manage to cuddle you properly right now, can she?
>If she can’t handle even this...then you’re going to need a new pet. This one’s defective.
“Jewel.”
>She jerks again, this time snapping back to wakefulness. “Mistress…?”
“I think it’s time for you to have another friend, don’t you?”
>Jewel tenses up against you before she starts to squirm, struggling against the ropes as she tries to roll around to face you.
“No, please, Mistress, I-I don’t need a friend, all I need is you! I can-”
“Calm down,” you command, glaring at her as she twists around, peeking at you out of the corner of her eye.
>”I...but Mistress...”
>She relents, going still as she looks at you, pleading as best she can.
>Apparently you’ve left her as your sole pet for too long.
>She’s become so dependent on you, that she’s afraid of having other friends too...you can’t have that.
>You need to get her a new friend...and at the same time, yourself a new pet...whether she likes it or not.
>But how do you approach this without crushing her?

>>25426907
bump

page 9 bump

>>25372881
>There are several reasons that most CYOAs (that I know of, at least), feature a pulled-from-his-normal-life-with-no-warning Anon who is baseline human in basically all respects.

That paradigm shifted last February for this board. Quests went from majority lolrandumb Anon quests to more story/character focused quests. The reason Anon was so common in quests and is still common in greentexts is because it's easy. It's not that Anon is like you, it's that you've read so much content with Anon in it that he's incredibly easy to slip back on while establishing a new character takes actual effort.

>>25375490
>Have you ever wondered why most of these CYOAs tend to take place in a small, localized area?

Because authors are lazy and having lots of characters and locations without bleeding is difficult. Several quests are very broad cast-wise and/or location-wise, it just depends on author talent and want.

This is actually something that's been discussed a few times in the CYOA Discussion thread. The result is usually this determination: Open quests are bad. Complex quests aren't inherently good or bad. Open quests, where the world is your oyster and you can do anything, are boring. They're a blank canvas. They don't engage. The more ideas you give the players to rub together the more engaging the quest is. Characters, conflicts, problems, situations, events. The world needs to be populated with ideas.

This quest, so far, remains mostly blank. The MC isn't well-established, assumedly so that the player can determine more of her personality. The only character to truly get deeper than cardboard was shut down quickly. The prompts themselves are mostly uninteresting with simplistic answers. The two events that have happened aren't anything I have a reason to care about.

To try and put it simply, this quest feels like the authors want it to be a blank canvas that the players can draw upon. Without realizing that blank canvases aren't engaging.

>>25426907
Does it really matter if we crush her?

If we say she isn't good enough anymore, and we need other ponies to satisfy our needs, she'll panic, and try harder. That's good for us, even if it's emotionally painful for her.

If we're kind about it we preserve her ego, it keeps her happy, but not much else. This isn't so much a question of how we avoid crushing her. The question is should we rush her?

>>25431304
>Continued because I forgot

I think this could serve as a good opportunity for the thread to build Umbra's character. She's been a near blank pony so far and I think stuff like this can help us define who she is. Do we try to keep our servants happy? or are they there entirely for our satisfaction?

>Conversation topic

It seems we know who NMM doesn't like. But what ponies do you think would please NMM and fit into her social system?

>>25430929
This.

I really don't want to discourage the authors, because I do have high hopes for this story and I recognize that they've put a fucktonne of work into it.

That said, this thread has always been about honest feedback, and I feel this story hasn't really managed to get out of idle yet for this reason. It has perked up a few times (the soarin bit, the cuddles bit), but then it drops back down to "decide what happens next".

I think trying to do totally open concept sound good in theory, but in practise a lot of us arn't writers. We don't want to or simply can't come up with a compelling adventure. We need the authors to come up with the bulk of the adventure part.

When you look at very successful CYOA's they throw the reader into an adventure and basically ask "ok, given the crazy situation you're in, what general direction do you head" and then proceed to produce more adventure for the reader. As has been said by a few people already, the reader wants to steer more than create.

With this CYOA, it feels more like a cross between a collaborative story and a CYOA then a CYOA, but the problem there is we have OCs and a new setting we don't really know about or have any investment in, so it's just not compelling.

This Jewel character might be interesting, and the cuddle bit got me interested, but we know so little about her that the question the story ended on just makes me shrug. I'm inclined to say we be nice-ish to Jewel, plenty of other ponies to torment, but I don't care enough about her to fiercely argue that point. If the next part had Umbra execute her, I'd probably be fine with it.

As said, I hope the story continues and I'm going to keep reading regardless of what happens. I just think (backwards as it sounds) we need less freedom and choice and more world/character building given to us.

>quick bamp before work

>quick work bump

>before lunch hour bump

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>>25436323

>post rush bump

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>>25437533

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>>25438312

>almost time to go home bump

Getting off work an hour early bump

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>>25439157

Up from 10.

>before bed bump cause work at 11 am tomorrow

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>>25440372

>getting ready for work bump

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>>25442382

>at work bump

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>>25444813

We interrupt your regularly scheduled bump to continue from http://pastebin.com/Rc8drsd5

>A click rings out into the otherwise deathly silent room, pulling you back to reality.
>Your ears jerk up, listening.
>That...that was the lock, wasn’t it? Your throat tightens in apprehension...is this actually rescue, or is it Anon, ready to begin your torment anew?
>He’s going to find you, he’s going to drag you out by your tail and beat you senseless!
>You start to shake. Why did you try to hide under the bed like a foal?! You could have just pretended to be a good po-
>A click-clack meets your ears, sounding nothing like the fish-like slapping noises of his feet. Those are hooves!
>You lift your head up until it touches the bottom of the bed, your ears swiveling.
>Despite what this could mean, you manage to catch yourself before calling out.
>It could still be Anon, and you know exactly what he’d do if he catches you speaking without permission, on top of everything else.
>However, it doesn’t stop your ears from standing at attention while you quiver in anticipation.
>”Lunaaa~?"
>That...that’s your sister’s voice!
>You’re saved!
>Your heart flutters as you find strength you didn’t realize you had. Elated, you start squirming, rolling over to wriggle out from underneath the bed.
“Ee-hya! I’m ‘ere!”
>You knew she’d come looking for you! The nightmare’s finally over!
>This outfit will be evidence enough that Anon went insane and reverted to his human culture, you’ll-
>”I hope you’re being a good pet for you master, Luna!~”
>Your heart just about stops.
>No. Nooo no no no, you must have misheard her!
>She...she can’t…
“Wh-whaa…?”
>You freeze up, possibly sticking out from under the bed. You’re too terrified to even move.
>This can’t be happening, you must have misheard her, she HAS to be there to rescue you! She wouldn't leave you here, to be tortured by this monster!
>She loves you! She…

>>25450357
>She left you trapped on your moon for a thousand years, forced to use your every scrap of magic to survive, and never once helped you move those stars into position for you to escape.
>She might have even reset their position a few times.
>Why did you think this would be any different? Nopony has ever, and will ever help you save yourself.
>”How was that Anon? Did I get it right?”
>”I’d say you did pretty good, you got it figured out."
>Your mouth quivers as any attempt to beg for clarification dies in your throat, a small squeak being the only noise you can eek out.
>With those few words, your world comes crashing down around you.
>Celestia knew about this. From moment one, she KNEW.
>Not only did she know, she...she and Anon worked together.
>She’s the reason he had the bridle. She’s the reason you no longer have your magic.
>She’s the reason Anon’s doing this to you.
>It’s because he loves her, not you.
>”Anyway, you should stick around. I’m sure Luna’ll love to show off what she’s learned."
>”Oh, I’d like to see that.”
>This...this is just like before. Just like all those years ago, when you were a foal, when you found her in bed with...
>How could you be so stupid to think he could love you? That ANYPONY could love you?
>Anon’s a literal monster, and even HE’S above you.
>...You’re pathetic. A joke, who’s entire existence is to make your sister look better by comparison…
>If you ever try to say no, to try and be more than that, then this happens. You’re imprisoned, your lovers stolen, until you learn to be her set piece again.
>This is your true lot in life, isn’t it?
>If you ever try to delude yourself into thinking anything could love you, you’ll just end up imprisoned again, for the rest of time.
>Your cutie-mark is a lie.
>It never represented the moon, it was evidence that you'll forever be eclipsed by her.

>>25450368
>Oblivious to your revelation, Anon calls out, “I wonder where my pet could have gone off to? She certainly would have known better than to try and hide from her master, when she didn’t even finish the job I gave her..."
>Something grabs ahold of your tail and pulls hard, dragging your slick body back from under the bed.
>Your limbs go limp as you’re pulled back, the only movement from you a heavy, wracking sob.
>There’s no fight left in you, no point in struggling anymore. You’re here until you’re allowed to leave, if at all.
>Just like before.
>There will be no rescue. Any struggling will just result in more pain, you know this. He’s made that perfectly clear.
>At least...at least you aren’t alone this time.
>”Oh...my…”
>Your sister’s words ring out, barely registering before Anon’s fingers wrap around your horn and pull your head back, demonstrating that you're no longer protected by his bed.
>”Well, pet? Don’t you want to say hi to your sister?”
>”I-I think I’m good, Anon. I’ll leave you two to it.”
>”You sure, Celly?”
>Your ears sink down as you can taste the disappointment in his voice.
>He wanted you to put on a show, and you’ve already failed...
>You’re going to pay dearly for it, you just know it!
>”Yes, I...I’m sure. This is-this is a bit more than I had expected this early in the morning. I’ll see you at the brunch?”
>”Wouldn’t miss it Cellybeans.”
>His fingers tap over your horn, drilling in what’s about to happen as the sound of your sister’s exit raps against your ears. .
>”You know,” his voice hisses in your ear once the sound of the door closing strikes you, “I WAS going to let you cum. I thought you’d deserve a reward when I got back, for trying to clean up your mess."
>You feel the toy inside you rotate, twisting around, the base slipping off your dripping wet sex.
“Nuuuhh…”

>>25450381
>The cold air rushing against your now exposed sex causes you to shudder involuntarily.
>"But, I didn't think in a million years that I'd come back to see my slave thought she could hide under the bed. You didn't even TRY to clean it up, did you?"
>The toy's spun until the base pushes into your tail dock, forcing you to hike your tail as high as you can, leaving yourself completely exposed.
>You don't even try to fight it anymore. You...you know you're nothing but his plaything now.
>His fingers press to your still sopping wet labia, pushing hard to either side of your unconsciously winking clit.
>At this point, any direct stimulation might be enough to push you over the edge.
>His fingers start to drag over the fur around your sex, staying just around the very edges...he knows that, doesn’t he?
>Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he?
>You shake your head no, twisting your horn softly in his grasp.
>”So all my pony did was make herself as messy as she could? Were you TRYING to embarrass me in front of your sister?! If I didn’t know better, I’d think pony wanted me to punish her…”
>He pauses, his fingers stopping their slow circling of your sex, letting go of your horn.
>In a completely different tone, one seemingly devoid of malice, he asks, “Do you?”
>You...you honestly don’t know how to answer that.
>You know trying to say no is a futile gesture. If he wants to punish you, then he will, no matter what you wish.
>That’s why you’re here.
>...You’ll be a good girl.
>Lowering your head in subservience, you give him the answer he wants, nodding away.
>You still brace for him to start striking you, ready to accept the blows.
>It doesn’t take long.

>>25450392
>A blow comes down upon your horn, causing you to see stars behind your blindfold, knocking your head to the side.
“Nnn!”
>He pushes down on it, your horntip pressing to the floor.
>You bite your tongue, killing any noise whimpering would make.
>His hand’s not letting up, he really IS going to break it this time!
>There’s nothing you can do about it. He’s going to turn you into nothing more than his plaything, nothing but a living sex toy and there’s not a thing that could stop him.
>You squeeze your eyes shut, ready for him to take your magic from you once and for all, your horn threatening to crack.
>You can feel the bone bend to its breaking point, agony lancing out into your skull.
>But it never breaks.
>Instead, his hand pulls from your sex and squeezes into your tender rump, his claws digging into your skin.
>Your instinctual response to run away, kick the predator, to do SOMETHING to try and get away wells up, screaming at you.
>You try to ignore it, to push that voice away, knowing there’s nothing to be done.
>Succumbing to that fear would only bring pain.
>He pushes you forward, dragging you across the floor on your belly. The shock of the cold marble rubbing over your teats is almost painful.
>You stop moving once a pungent smell hits your nose again.
>A smell you’ve recently become intimately familiar with.
>”Then here’s what’s going to happen, pet. You think you can get away with ignoring your master’s commands by making me angry? Well, guess again.”
>“I’m going to hold you down here and make sure you do as you’re told, and that you clean up every. Last. Drop. Understand?”
>Of course...he knew you were ready for pain. It wouldn’t be a punishment if you accepted it.

>>25450401
>You nod and stick your tongue out, shuddering in revulsion the moment you taste the salty, rather thick fluids.
>You manage to keep from gagging, however. It’s revolting, just as disgusting as before, but...you’re just as disgusting, now.
>You’re covered in the exact same fluids, having been rolling around in it while waiting for his return.
>Master’s hand lets go of your rump and soon resumes tracing around your twitching sex.
>As if licking up your fluids weren’t awful enough on its own, he needs to keep you on the verge of losing your mind in need.
>You aren’t sure how long you spend licking yourself off the floor.
>The only sign of progress is your master dragging you by your horn to a new spot, the haze from his teasing hand keeping you from forming any coherent thoughts.
>Gone are the images of your guards, of other stallions, the fantasies of what you’d do once you escaped...now you’re only seeing him.
>All you can think about is your desperate desire to have him rutting you, even a broken, helpless you, instead of the pony he desires.
>It’s not like anypony else would ever touch you out of affection.
>He finally pulls your head up from the floor, straightening your neck.
>You tense up, having been torn from those fantasies.
>You frantically try to think of what you could have done wrong, why he might start hurting you again.
>”There we go...see? Being a good pony wasn’t so bad, was it?“ His grip on your horn keeps you from answering in affirmation.
>It...it really wasn’t.
>You had thought there was much more of a mess to clean up than there was.
>Plus...the taste isn’t so awful once you get used to it.
>What if...what if being his slave no different?
>It really might not be so awful once you get used to it...you’d still get to feel his affection.
>Resisting him only brings pain and torment...but giving in?

>>25450411
>The one time you gave in brought you more pleasure than you were capable of handling.
>That’s been the case your whole life, hasn’t it?
>When you fought for love you didn’t deserve, you watched as your sister stole your very first coltfriend and rutted him before your eyes.
>When you tried to move above your station, you were imprisoned…
>So what if your station’s been lowered yet again?
>If fighting only leads to pain, then embracing it must be the way for you to finally be happy.
>You lean towards the sound of Master’s voice to nuzzle him, to show him you understand now.
>However, only thin air graces your cheek.
>You shoot your head back to the ground before he has a chance to think you're acting out, and instead shake your head, responding to his question.
>”Good girl,” he coos, his fingers running over your slick mane in reward.
>This is the only way you'll ever feel his warm touch again, isn't it?
>If so, then...then you’ll learn to like it.
>”Now, I’d love to reward you, I really would. Pony’s learned her lesson, which means she would normally deserve a reward. But pony was a bad girl, and I had to force her to obey.”
>“So, since I had to work to get my slave to obey, it means you’ll have to work to get your reward.”
>You tense up, fear gripping you despite your recent acquiescence.
>What possible labor could he have you perform, while wearing this?
>His hand grips your horn in answer, pulling your head up from the ground.
>A familiar scent hits you, causing you to shudder mere seconds before Master pushes your nose against his rigid cock.
>...Oh.
>You know exactly what to do with that.

>>25450420
>Before he has to command you, you open your mouth to take in his cock.
>However, the bands of your bridle quickly prevent you from getting your lips around his strangely shaped head.
>Instead, you slip your tongue out and lap at the underside of his shaft.
>You’re rewarded with a sharp tap to your nose, causing you to try and jerk your head back, more out of shock and fear than any actual pain.
>His firm grip on your horn keeps your head still.
>”Not quite pet. That’d be too easy. I want you to use your hooves.”
>You pause, blinking behind that blindfold as you process exactly how you’d do that with the way your hooves are bound.
>”Well? If pony isn’t going to be a good girl, then I guess it means you won’t get your reward…”
>That gets you struggling to your hooves before you have time to think about that statement.
>You...you WANT to be a good girl.
>Soon sitting on your haunches before him, you struggle to find his cock again with your forehooves, the binders connecting them to your hind legs heavily restricting your ability to do so.
>The rattle of the chains connecting the binders to your cuffs assaults your ears as you gingerly paw at the air before you, searching for...success!
>Feeling something firm against the side of your hoof, you shuffle yourself forward and gingerly cup your master’s cock between your forehooves.
>You aren’t...quite sure how to properly give him a hoofjob while bound, but you know you need to try.
>Not being a good girl only leads to pain.
>Despite those bindings preventing you from twisting your hooves to the proper angle, you press your soft frogs against his cock and start rubbing them up and down his shaft.
>The fire in your loins is only incensed by the feeling of your master’s cock against your frogs.

>>25450427
>You feel yourself winking, your fluids leaking even harder as the way his cock parts those frogs is almost as if it were parting your nethers…
>You’ve always had a thing for hoofplay, and, despite your new position in life, you’ll take the opportunity to enjoy this while you can.
>That enjoyment doesn’t last long.
>The edge of your hoof catches on Master’s cockhead.
>His yelp of pain is the only warning you get before a blow comes down on your face, sending you reeling.
>”What the hell Moonie?! You’re supposed to be the ‘Princess of sex,’ I thought that means you’re good at this...”
>Your ears press to your head as you tense up, and curl into a ball, waiting for more blows to come raining down upon you, your stomach tying itself in a knot as he curses your failure.
>He’s going to hurt you, you just know it, he’s going to repay that pain ten times over...and you deserve every bit of it.
>You tried to steal pleasure you didn’t earn...you were a bad girl.
>It’s true that...sex WAS part of your domain, when you were still a princess, and you’ve managed to be a failure at even that.
>His hand comes down on your horn, pulling you back up onto your haunches.
“Nnn…”
>You quiver, waiting for him to whip your teats, snap your horn, something.
>The expected pain never comes.
>”Last try, slave. If I feel any sharp bits or your cuffs, then that’s it. No reward for you. Got it?”
>He...he’s forgiving you for that?
>Elation bubbles up from your heart, catching in your throat.
>He’s more merciful than you deserve.
>You nod your head vigorously, understanding.
>You’ll be a good girl, you’ll pleasure Master properly this time.

>>25450442
>Rattling your bonds, it takes you a good minute to find his cock again...but when you do, this time, you wrap your fetlock around it.
>You work away at his shaft, doing the best you can without being able to see, your chains rattling all the while as your leg starts to burn from the effort.
>But you need this...you need to be a good girl for him.
>It’s hard, almost impossible….but that’s been the story of your life, isn’t it? It’s always been almost impossible to do the ‘right’ thing.
>Plus...being a good slave should be much easier than being a good ruler.
>You won’t have to worry about pleasing anyone other than Master...won’t have to worry about what ponies think of you, how to solve horrendous issues while still standing out compared to Celestia.
>Being a slave would mean that the only thing you’d have to worry about is obeying your master.
>The thought would have horrified you a little while ago...but you’re getting used to it.
>In fact...you’re starting to like it.
>You redouble your efforts, pushing the fatigue and pain from your foreleg away as you focus only on what matters-pleasuring your master.
>He grunts, an obvious sign that your efforts are having their intended effect.
>After a moment, his fingers grip at your mane, pulling your scalp roughly as he starts thrusting against your hoof.
>Your ears perk up as you swear you hear him whisper, “Good girl…” the encouragement keeping you going.
>It’s impossible to tell how long you’re working that shaft before he pulls away.
>”On all fours. Now.”
>Hastily, you obey, shuffling backwards so not to accidently bump him, in case he’s still in front of you.
>His hand grips your tail, lifting it high.
>A jolt runs through you as something hard and warm presses to your exposed sex.
>You tense up, fighting against the overwhelming urge to wink against what could potentially be your master's cock.

>>25450461
>Winking against him would be stealing pleasure, you’ve learned your lesson on that.
>His voice graces your ears, “You have permission to cum this time, pet.”
>You freeze up, scarcely believing those words.
>You...you do?
>Without another word of warning, his cock rams inside you, quickly filling your slick pussy.
>With one hand gripping your side and another soon grabbing your horn, he starts to slam into you, sending wave after wave of pleasure through your body.
>If this is your reward, then...then you’re going to enjoy every last second of it.
>You clench down around him, winking against his shaft as you find yourself hurtling towards that sexual peak.
>Shuddering, you bite down on your lip as you near that long denied climax, trying to keep from moaning out.
>After all, he gave you permission to cum, but not talk.
>Unfortunately, all the effort in the world couldn’t prepare you as your climax hits with the force of a full grown dragon.
“Nyaaaahh!”
>Your body convulses, the cry leaving your lips before you could stop it. Your legs tremble, slipping apart as they threaten to give out.
>As if sensing you may fall, his arm wraps around your barrel, pressing into the mess of straps to hold you there as he continues to thrust into your maregasm, not slowing in the slightest.
>Pure, unrivalled bliss floods your mind as he continues to rut you through the most powerful orgasm of your life.
>You don’t even come down as you finish, staying right at that peak, and your master is more than happy to push you to a second, third, and even fourth climax.
>Only after your fourth maregasm does he finally cum inside you, his cock flexing within you as he breeds you for yet a second time tonight.
>He soon pulls out, letting you slump to the floor before him as your rational mind slowly takes ahold.
>If this is the reward you’ll get for obeying him...then you happily accept him as your master.
>For now and forever.

>>25450474
>His fingers grab ahold of your bridle for a moment before the blindfold is ripped off, the light of dawn spilling through the windows and blinding you in an entirely different way.
>The only thing shielding you from that dazzling light is the silhouette of your master’s face, beaming away with as much intensity as your sister’s sun.
>”Sooo? Was that great, or what? Come on Moonshine, let’s get you out of this thing.”
>He starts to undo the straps of your bridle, pulling that bit out of your mouth before discarding it on his bed.
>You...you don’t know how to respond. If you even have permission to respond.
>He soon gets to work on the harness binding your wings and legs, chattering all the while.
>”You know, I had my doubts for a minute there, but DAMN if you didn’t seem to love every bit of it, Moonie. What was your favorite part, by the way? The fire thing? The orgasm denial? You definitely seemed to like the beatings.”
>Your ears sink down to the sides of your head as you watch him work, all the while fear gripping you.
>Something’s wrong. He’s giving you back things you haven’t earned, you haven’t done anything to deserve getting to see, talk or move!
>You’ve only just started to be a good girl!
>He pauses after undoing one shackle, looking at you.
>”Luna? Sweetie? Are you ok? You aren’t answering me…”
>The fear’s hold grows icy talons, stabbing into your heart.
>You need to answer, NOW.

Aaaand that’s it for now. Comments, suggestions, and criticisms are more than welcome as always.
I want you guys to tell me: How does Luna respond?

>>25450540
I was just on my way to bed when you started posting this. Will try and do a proper review tomorrow.

For now though, first off, awesome to see this story continue.

Luna's internal breakdown was really good. Felt a bit fast but not excessively (and slowing it down probably would have caused it to drag anyway).

Anon felt a bit off... I dunno, he felt a bit too mean. The whole hitting/slapping/horn twisting stuff is a bit of a turn off for me, but that's just personal taste.

>the ending
Solid aftercare right there anon! Kidding aside, no idea. Not really a huge fan of a realistic reaction (Luna breaking down in tears, Anon realizing he's fucked up, drama, etc) but can't think of anything to put in it's place that wouldn't feel stupid (especially given how dark this last bit got).

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>>25448203

>>25450540

Yeah, nothing else than Luna experiencing a full second breakdown that reveals just how much was she was damaged would fit at this point.

...which is a pity, because submissive Luna as you write her is absolute unf, and this section was amazing to go through. Her slow collapse into acceptance really did work; at this point, I'd say she shouldn't be enraged - too much baggage with 'lashing out' at her 'master' - but completely giving in once released doesn't fit either. She's traumatized still.

Mind you - I'm not against Luna, in her broken mind state, eventually demanding he do it again. Shame welling up in her mind as she accepts the unmatched relief she will experience, and knowing the cost it will come at - even if only for a time and under more controlled circumstances. It wouldn't be 'realistic' exactly, but a lot more so than her giving in and becoming straight submissive now.

Bump before bed.

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>>25451466

>>25450540
I'd still like to see a positive bitter sweet ending. Luna realizes that it was just a game, Anon blames himself for being an idiot and not realizing that Luna didn't know the safe-word. Luna forgives him because he made her realize that she really IS a failure of a princess, that she would be much happier as a slave, and begs Anon to enslave her permanently. Anon feels guilt over breaking Luna's mind like this, but goes through with it anyway, because he wants to make Luna happy and him being her master is what she wants.

>>25455676
Haven't seen that one before. Cute.

>>25432366
>I think trying to do totally open concept sound good in theory, but in practise a lot of us arn't writers.
That touches on the problem with 'blank slate' characters in my opinion, but isn't exactly it. It's not that 'we' aren't writers, a lot of us probably are. It's that players aren't the writer(s). They can't inject the sentences that detail personality, they can only give general direction that needs to carry over even after that post is done.

About the writing for the Umbra character specifically. She reads as if she's uncertain about most everything, and it doesn't seem like that's intentional. Remember that in her world she's very much the Queen and should act with certainty.

I hope the story continues. It's always interesting to see competent writers foray into a new style or medium. And the concept is interesting even if the execution is a little lackluster so far.

Excessive meta conversation is also a detriment to quests, so we should probably tone it down until there's breaks between larger segments.

>>25457483
>It's always interesting to see competent writers foray into a new style or medium.

What about for BB or Escapade? If you could, what would you like to see them attempt?

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>>25455676

>>25457956
I'm actually curious about this myself. Maybe it would do something to kill my horrible writer's block.

>>25459525
I'd be very much happy with more Octavia or Broken Blue Bird, but as far new things I'd like the two authors to explore...

>Escapade
He does lots of NMM and SiM verse. I'd like to see his character-building talent used on one of the Mane 6, in a closer-to-the-canon situation, instead of a SiM verse.

>BB
His stories all tend to be pretty heavy and realistic, about tragedies and their consequences. I'd like to see something fun and lighthearted, like a slice of life. With no Anon preferably. Just a couple of friends or sibling simply messing a round.

Generally, I'd also like people to sometimes use Ponies-in-Earth instead of Anon-in-Equestria. but that goes to all the writefags not just these two in specific.

bed bump

>>25460040
Hmm, noted. After thinking it over I've concluded that it'd actually be a challenge for me to fit fun and lighthearted into this thread, so I'll have to challenge myself some time.

>>25450540
Top unf. By far my favorite story in this general. Sad to see it go, but it looks like it going to end well.


As for the answer hmmm well Luna is broken now so that much should be conveyed to Anon that something happened maybe Luna freaking out and asking him what she did to be treated this well or saying she'll be extra good to earn all the gifts shes getting now.

Mainly what I want is some good after care cuddling and stuff with Luna and maybe having her break down or finally rest from there. I like happy endings even if there a little fucked up.

>>25457956
I'm not a regular to this thread so I couldn't say. I just enjoy seeing people take skills they have and apply them in ways they're not used to. Watching the process of figuring it out is always interesting.

>>25450500
I am looking forward to the moment Anon realises that he has actually broken her.
That she didn't actually understand what the fuck was going on.

That moment of horrific realisation, will be glorious.

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>>25459301

>

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>>25464362

>

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>>25465362

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>>25467597

>luncheon bump

>

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>

Green is imminent. It's a new (extended one-shot?) I'm probably going to break it up over a 2-4 scenes, so I'll be posting those individually, so that it's easier to read. I'm doing last minute ultra-lazy proofreading, so expect it within 20.

>You are Stormy Flare
>Former Captain of the Wonderbolts.
>...
>You can hear the hushed whispers of the ponies surrounding you.
>Your ears twitch underneath your hood, as you attempt to make out what they are saying.
>Mentally, you can’t help but curse yourself.
>While the years of training were still fresh in your mind, you body simply isn’t as responsive as it once was.
>As a young mare, you would've had no problem picking up every single word that left their mouths.
>But now — you can’t make out anything…
>…
>Resigning to the fact that you won’t be able to hear what they’re saying, you instead take the moment to think back to when this started.
>…
>It was almost like it happened yesterday…
>Then again, that’s probably because it /did/ happen yesterday...
>Even now, you struggle to fully register all that has happened...
>Everything was so quick — you almost didn’t have time to catch it.

>>25478380
>You were sleeping in your Cloudsdale home when, without warning, you were awoken by the sound of your bedside table being knocked over.
>Startled by the noise, your eyes shoot open, only see the entire wall beside your window was /gone/.
>Moments later, nearly a half-dozen large, dark stallions poured into the room, wings fully fanned.
>Before you could even sit up in bed, three stallions jump on top of you, and pin you down.
>You screamed as they placed a bag over your head, and strapped your wings to your trunk.
>Within only a few moments, they had tied your legs down as well effectively rendering you immobile.
>Only seconds later, you could feel yourself being moved quickly toward the now missing wall, before plummeting through the sky.
>Your half-awake mind was being pumped full of adrenaline, but by then, it was useless.
>Whatever potion they used on your wall they must have also used on the cloud bed below.
>Undoubtably, you were free falling toward the ground far below.
>While you attempted to break free, you couldn’t move your wings or hooves so much as an inch given the tightness of the restraints.
>The wind pushed the bag tight to your ears, deafening you as you fell head-first toward the ground.
>Your training started to kick in, and you found yourself counting the seconds pass as you fell.
>One… Two… Three…
>It should take approximately thirty seconds to free-fall from Cloudsdale, but since you started counting late, you weren’t totally sure how long it had been.

>>25478390
>Thirteen.. Fourteen… Fifteen…
>…
>Twenty-one… Twenty two...
>By then, your panic was uncontrollable.
>Wonder bolt training taught you that, from such a steep, vertical fall, you /need/ to pull up, or at least slow-down by now.
>Still, nothing but the rush of air passing by filled the sky.
>Your instincts were starting to kick in, and you began to frantically fight against your bindings.
>That sensation of falling while bound… any pegasus struggles with it.
>Twenty-six… Twenty-seven…
>Without warning, you felt something push against your chest, followed immediately by a /gut-wrenching/ turn.
>Thirty-one… thirty two...
>You could hear the wind brush over the wings of the pony below you.
>Only then did you begin to realize that you were most likely strapped onto the back of one of the larger pegasus.
>Again, without warning, you felt yourself being tossed by a number of sharp, seemingly random turns.
>In your panicked haze, it dawned on you that they must be weaving through the forest below Cloudsdale.
>You were silent.
>You couldn’t scream; your lungs almost entirely denied air given your speed.
>The flight last for perhaps another twenty seconds, before you felt yourself slowing down.
>Soon, you felt the pony below you touch down onto the ground.
>”Landing zone clear…”
>A few other stallions replied.
>”Clear…”
>”Clear…”
>”Step up a perimeter…”
>A much closer, calmer voice pierced the air.
>”Is the package secure?”
>You felt the stallion quickly roll you off of his back, and you were caught by what feels like two other stallions.
>Magic began to caress your coat, as the bag was lifted off your head.
>A dark blue unicorn approached; standing over you, covered in an thick, black hood.

>>25478401
>”It’s her.”
>You tried to interrupt.
“Who are you, what’s going on?"
>A number of other unicorns, all without hoods, walked closer, encircling you.
>”She’s clean…”
>The hooded stallion nodded.
“NO!! NO! WAIT!! Please! You have the wrong pony!"
>”Did the repair team arrive?”
>A random pegasus replied.
>“The walls and bed should have been fixed by the time we touched down…”
>Seemingly satisfied, the stallion standing over you nodded.
>”Bag her and prep for transport, we’re on the clock…”
>The hooded stallion, and the surrounding unicorns all turned, and begin to walk away.
>Before you could open your mouth again, another stallion quickly placed a muzzle over your snout, and slipped the bag over your head.
>You tired to fight your bonds again, and again, you fail.
>The sound of a cart being pulled on the ground filled the air.
>You tried to scream, hoping that the pony, whoever it was, could hear you.
>Unfortunately, the muzzle made your “scream” nothing more than a muted squeal.
>The cart continued to draw closer.
>”Load her in, then proceed to base; we’ll debrief there."
>You felt yourself being lifted, and then just as quickly, dropped onto a soft, cushioned bed.
>”She’s in. ”
>You heard a thud above you, followed by a series of locks.
>It quickly dawned on you that you were in a trunk.
>”… all clear…”
>”… all clear…”
>From inside the box their voices were practically nonexistent.
>Then ou felt the cart jerk.
>You hit the side of the box, and, instinctually, you began to feel yourself falling.
>You tried to scream — tried to beg for release — but by then, the only noise was the sound of cart wheels on rock.

>>25478415
>After traveling for what seemed like an eternity, you remembered being moved to a larger, more comfortable box.
>In reality, it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes at most, probably just enough to get to a more secure location, so that they could safely transfer you.
>By the time you were moving again, there was the distinct sound of a train tracks clattering in the background.
>Although you were still tightly bound, you were fortunate enough to be afforded enough room to lay down without experiencing free-fall panic.
>…
>The train ride was much, much longer.
>Hours passed with nothing but the ambient noise of metal wheels on metal rails.
>Eventually, you calmed down enough to actually think, and take stock of the situation.
>Unfortunately, there’s wasn't much to go off of.
>You were in a box, which is presumably locked, headed to some unknown destination.
>Even if it wasn’t locked, there was no way for you to even attempt breaking out.
>There’s no context, or even real hint of /why/ they took you — or even who “they” are.
>With so little to go off of, you were forced to consider why you would have been of interest to /anyone/.
>The first thing that came to mind is your military experience; but that didn’t make much sense.
>You’re a /former/ Wonderbolt, over a decade into retirement; there are a number of other pegasus with the near identical résumés…

>>25478425
>This had to be a government raid.
>The Wonderbolts, or whoever replaced them, were almost certainly the culprits.
>The precision, and accuracy of their assault was well beyond anything a common criminal group could possibly accomplish.
>Even from your time as a Wonderbolt, and performing countless exercises, /none/ of them were /that/ cleanly executed.
>Then again, your Wonderbolts were much more frequently used as a display and drill team than as functional military unit.
>Under this new Princess… well… that’s no longer true.
>While you knew better than to actively aid the rebellion, you kept your hears up.
>Word in the rains said that ponies simply /disappeared/ at night.
>Of course, you had no way of confirming these stories, and never directly knew any of the ponies in question, so it was impossible to verify.
>What you /did/ know was that Nightmare Moon’s forces were relentless in their persecution of the rebels; the newspapers made that all too clear.
>Still, that told you nothing, and gave you no explanation of why you were taken.
>...
>It hit you.
>Then, you remember feeling a raw, almost primal sense of dread overtake you.
>The kind that only a mother could possibly experience.
>What if this isn’t about you at all…
>…
>What if this is about Spitfire...

>>25478431
That's all for now. I /would/ ask for suggestions, but I'm /reasonably/ sure I know where I want this to end up. However, with that said, feedback, speculation, and general conversation is encouraged. We've been a pinch slow here, so hopefully this helps.

Bump while writing a reply.

>>25478450

Full reply time!

So, we've only seen little glimpses of how Nightmare's Equestria functions outside of the castle walls so far, and this was a very big dump compared to those. An outsider's view is something I've been craving for a while, and this delivered, even if just briefly; though it doesn't really fit the thread, I'd almost be interested in seeing what the day-to-day life of someone like Stormy Flare is like now. I'm also wondering if there's a point in her referring to Nightmare as 'princess' rather than 'empress'.

The raid itself is appropriately terrifying and nerve-wracking, particularly the free-falling section. I think you did do a good job on the emotional hit there, with the repeated emphasis on helplessness and inability to even do something natural like screaming.

It's a little too early to make any judgement calls on the whole thing, but I can make a couple guesses based on the title alone. Given my assumptions about where this is going, it's gonna get painfully feelsy.

>>25450540
YES YES YES. I thought this story disappeared into the void forever before reaching its (hue) climax.

>How does Luna respond?
Her freaking out and defaulting into submissive pleading or something that will let Anon know that something is very wrong. That or make Anon think that Luna has REALLY got into the role playing aspect.

There does need to be some aftercare to for Luna especially after all she;s been through.

>>25450540
>Luna states that she does not deserve these rewards
>Anon tells her to cut it out, the roleplaying is over.
>The gears start turning in Luna's head, she realizes it was all fake.
>She goes through a multitude of emotions, but the emotion that overshadows the rest of them is pure anger.
>Spousal abuse happens off-screen

>Cut to a later scene
“Feed me amother grape“
>With her authority as a princess, Luna has ruled that Anon must be her slave while she goes about her royal duties.
>“Is this really necessary, you broke my fucking leg this morning.“
“Stop with the whining, I could heal it in a second and your pain is nothing compared to mine“
>Anon admits he was wrong and Luna forgives him
>Blushingly Luna admits that she liked parts of the BDSM thing.

>>25450540
We need more of accidentally broken Luna trying to please Anon for her imaginary transgressions by roping in Celestia, and in turn Twilight.

It ends in a confused Anon who is still trying to figure out what the hell is going on when he is surrounded by a harem of moaning mares.

More comedy.

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>>25468668

>>25478450
I've read it and wait for more. Not much else to say though. So far nothing hooked me in. Stormy Flare's character is non existent beyond "former Wonderbolt" and "Spitfire's mother". And the only interesting part of the story is the mysterious kidnapping, which I'm 99% sure I already know who's behind, so that doesn't increase my excitement levels either.

As a stand alone thing, it's really weak so far, but I'm giving it the benefit of a doubt because it's liked to a wider story, and you seem to know where you're going with it.

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>>25482789

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>>25483766

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>>25484360

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Bump before bed.

>>25487110

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>>25487746
Y-yes please

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>>25487746

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Up from 10.

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>>25492215

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Bump before I go.

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>>25495767

>>25496520
wat

Bluebird anon anywhere out there? I needs my fix.

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>>25497103

>>25500591
That binding at the base of her tail that forces her tail to stay up? Those will never not be hot.

>>25497939
The pictures are cropped, she's getting raped.

>>25501487
In a really, really strange way too...

>>25500754
You might like this picture.

https://derpiboo.ru/128165?scope=scpe77687cf2282f8527902cfafb31ca59481a205aac

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>>25500591

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>>25504017

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>>25505016

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>>25505756

>>25498251
Okay, I figure I've been absent long enough an update is in order.

In short, I didn't so much hit writer's block as I did run straight into writer's great wall of china. I sit down, open up the Bluebird doc, and stare at it without knowing what to type.

Next section is maybe ~50% done before editing pass, and while I have the narrative plotted out writing it down is fucking hard all of a sudden.

Add in life suddenly getting very busy - fuck overtime, by the way, they never pay you what they're supposed to - and I've just not been able to crank out the next section. I'm sorry.

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Up from 10.

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>>25426907
>You press a hoof to the side of her head and forcibly turn her away, burying her face against the pillow but otherwise leaving her half turned towards you.
"Are you trying to tell your mistress that you know better than her?"
>She shudders against you, but doesn't respond.
>This is what you get for trying to be nice, you suppose. You give her one small reward, and suddenly she threatens to turn rebellious.
>You push down against her, more as a warning as you growl out,
"Jewel...you know that mistress knows what’s best for you, right?"
>A small whimper rises from her throat before she squeaks out, "Y-yes mistress. I'm-sorry."
>Lifting your hoof from her muzzle, you turn the rest of her to properly face away from you.
"You do? Then I don’t see why you’re putting up such a fuss. As I recall, you had quite a lot of fun with your last friend, didn't you?"
>She jerks against you before answering, ”Yes mistress! I did!”
>Well, now that sounds like a forced answer if you’ve ever heard one.
>You pull her in tight against you, your hoof pressing to her barrel as you say,
“Reeaally? Then tell me. Of all the things I made you two do, what did you enjoy the most?”
>She shivers against you as she searches for the ‘right’ answer, stammering out, “I-I...I…”
>You know she just needs some encouragement.
>Sparking your horn once more, you grab ahold of her teats and squeeze them, playing with her nipples.
>Your pet gasps out the moment your magic tugs at her, soon squirming against the ropes holding her still.
“Was it when I tied you up, blindfolded you and made you guess whose tongue was teasing you?”
>Jewel shudders violently against you, the closest thing you get to an answer as she no doubt remembers the penalty for guessing wrong.

>>25509448
“No? What about when you two were a living sculpture for that party? Didn’t you like kissing for hours, with dozens of guests eyeing you?”
>You reach a hoof down, underneath her tail and stroke over her nether lips while continuing to magically tease her teats.
>It gets her properly struggling against the ropes, a small moan rising from her throat.
>If you didn’t know better, you’d swear the way her head’s shifting is her shaking her head “no.”
>Of course she knows better than to do that. She just needs one last push.
“What about when I had you two compete to see who would get to orgasm that week? As I recall, you were the better one at that game…”
>Taking the bait, your pet cries out, “That one, mistress! I-I enjoyed that one the most!”
>You kiss her on the back of her head.
“See? You DID love having a companion. This is why I need a new pet. Then you two can play all sorts of fun games that you haven’t been able to, since you’ve been servicing me by yourself.”
>Before she can respond, you grip Jewel’s ear in your teeth and nibble over it. It certainly feels different than you’re used to.
>Almost like you’re chewing on a flexible piece of glass.
>“Nyuuuhh...Y-yes, mistress...”
>Without letting up your ministrations, you continue on,
“You WILL be friends with this new pony, Jewel. Is that clear?”
>She winces and tries to curl in upon herself as best as the ropes will allow, pressing her nethers against your hoof before nodding her head. “Yes mistress...I’ll be ffffriendss with whomever you chooooose....”
>Smiling, you kiss the back of her head once more and cease teasing the bound mare, your wet hoof resuming its previous position on her chest.
>She thrashes against her bonds in response, forgetting herself as she cries out, “Mistress, please, I’m so close!”
“Mmm...well, since you ARE being rewarded...I’ll make an exception just this once.”

>>25509465
>”Th-thank you mistress!” Your pet cries out, hiking her tail as high as she can against you.
>You wrap your clean hoof around her tied limbs as you get to work.
>No reason to get both of them dirty, after all.
>She twitches and wiggles against you, moaning as you drag your fetlock over her winking sex, avoiding her clit as it pokes out periodically.
>Your pet may be close, but there’s no reason you have to give it to her right away.
>Instead, you drink in her little moans, feeling her squirm against your barrel and buck against your hoof as best she can while bound.
>”Mistress….pleeeaaase!” she whines out, her limbs shaking, her muscles twitching against you.
>You take her ear in your teeth once more, licking over the tip.
>Ignoring the fact that it still feels like you’re biting a window, you work your hoof downwards, rubbing over her winking clit and grind your fetlock into her.
>That was just the push she needed.
>Jewel jerks against you, arching her back as she lets out a loud whinny, signifying her climax.
>Her pussy spasms against your hoof as her fluids leak out around it, soaking the blanket underneath her.
>You continue to grind your hoof into her, letting her ride out her climax, until she goes limp against you.
>Only then do you pull your hoof back, wrapping it around your pet’s form, smearing her fluids into her fur.
>”Thank you mistress...thank you...” she breaths out shuddering every so often.
>”I love you, mistress...” she murmurs before going quiet, bringing a smile to your lips.
>You squeeze your pet’s limp form against you, and bury your face in her mane, listening to the sound of her steady breathing, the post climax rhythm lulling you to sleep.
>Just as you’re about to cross the threshold into the realm of dreams, your pet’s voice rings out in your ears again, dragging you back to the world of the waking. "M-mistress?"
>Cracking an eye open, you lift your head.

>>25509476
"Yes, Jewel?"
>"Can I ask you something mistress?"
>Setting your head back down, you mutter,
"You just did."
>As you make a point of nuzzling back into her mane, you can /feel/ the flurry of emotions running through her.
>Only once she’s had enough time to stew do you speak up.
"You may ask another one."
>While she doesn’t exactly perk up, she does speak.
>"I...I wanted to ask...am I not good enough for you mistress? Did I...am I not being good enough? Is there something more I could do for you?"
>...And here you thought she was just jealous.
"Don't worry Jewel. You're serving me just fine. But do you remember that one time when I had you and your friend kiss me on both ends at the same time? I want to do it again, and plenty of other things too... and you can't do them alone. I'm not sending you away. I'm just getting you some help."
>She relaxes against you, the tension in her unwinding with every word.
>"So...I will be allowed to stay with you? Can I stay with you mistress, even after the new pet arrives?”
"Yes Jewel. You can stay as long as I want."
>"A-as long as-”
>You squeeze her, cutting her off.
"Hush now, I want to sleep."
>Jewel’s tension returns with a vengence, your mare quivering, her muscles tightening as she processes your words.
>...She’s not as comfortable to hold when she’s stressed. It feels like holding a giant aspen leaf.
>You give her a moment to try and wait out her terror.
>It’s only once it’s become clear that she’s not going going to stop, do you grab her in your magic, and spin her around to face you, earning a yelp of surprise from her.
>Wrapping your hooves around your cowering pet, you lay your chin on the top of her head, feeling her bound legs pressing to you.
“Shhhh…I’m not sending you anywhere...”
>Jewel nods her head and slowly but surely calms down against you, her trembling soon coming to a halt.
>Perfect for you to fall asleep against.

>bamp while reading

>>25509448
Sombra looks like a lion to me in that picture.

>>25509491
Really enjoyed this. Finally starting to build some character in the two of them, plus this scene was just plain dong expanding. Loving but dominant tone + gentle bondage. Umbra really does treat Jewel like a pet, and Jewel behaves like one, and it's great.

>>25509491
Hmm. Interesting; she clearly hates being reminded of what we're doing to her, yet she's terrified of displeasing us to a point beyond merely fearing punishment. Interesting - maybe a bit of Stockholm going on there?

In any case, cute/10 ending.

As unbecoming as we thought it might be earlier, maybe we should keep Jewel around when we summon Fleur. Just a little show of dominance for her; nothing too explicit but a reminder that this is our domain.

>before work bamp

also I'm like, an entire thread behind now.. really need to catch up...

>>25401169
I've always wanted to see two doms try to dominate each other. Can anyone tell me how it goes?

>>25514711
Unless one of them is a switch, generally not too well. It ends up being unenjoyable for at least one party (often both), as neither really gets what they want out of the relationship.

Of course, that's assuming it's consensual.

>>25515979
Indeed. That said seeing people who are usually a dom play a sub can be hot as fuck. Princess Donna comes to mind

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>>25516606
Yeup. Especially if they start out playing their typical confident role and slowly break down to subbing.

It's why stuff like pic related can be so hot.

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>>25506795

><

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>>25518418

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>>25517639

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>>25519217
>implying Shining Armor isn't the sub

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>>25519217

>>25520381
>>25519441
>>25519217
Can we please have a story where Anon keks Shining Armor?

Bump before bed.

>>25522795
Likewise

>>25507846
Just glad to hear you're still around. I'm Jonesing for the next update but I don't want you to burn out.

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>>25520381