Sci fi mecha and books

Just post it here faget, we'll see for ourselves if it's garbage or not

>>15296842
>Hey this person can actually draw, maybe the story won't be half bad
>It's all commissioned artwork
There are a lot of warning signs here, allow me to go through your post here: https://dfonexus.com/threads/total-calamity-robot-artwork-inside.14316/

As a semi-professional writer I can tell you this right off the bat. You're too comfortable with your writing. Allow me to pull a few quotes here:
>i fell off with the story, despite how well written it was
>Since 2014, i've gathered nearly 190 chapter summaries, and have completeled nearly 60, long chapters of this newly written story of mines so far, and i must say, it has been going great for me.
>Miss that creation dearly
This might be personal bias but if 'things are going great' that's the first sign that you aren't very self critical. Secondly, you don't get to say that your story is well written. That's not up to you, you don't get to jerk yourself off at this point. Thirdly, the synopsis it too long. If you want people to read your stuff you gotta work on your elevator pitch. One sentence to hook the reader in, that's it. You don't need to overburden them with the factions and characters, they'll learn about those as they read.

Now I've found your DA page, where you were kind enough to post other people's art and the first 16 chapters of your story, so allow me to take a peek at the first one in the following post.

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>>15297053

>Chapter 1: Calamity
Using part of your title in the name of the first chapter sound redundant and retarded. We already know we're reading TOTAL CALAMITY ROBOT, we don't need further affirmation. Plus it's not going to hook a new reader in. If you want people to read you need a title that intrigues, there's no intrigue because we already know there's a calamity because it's the fucking title of your book.
>Welcome, into the Earth’s year of 3000 A.D. The Earth holds three great, powerful lands:...
Again too much exposition right off the bat. This is going to turn readers away. I get the Gundam thing you're going for here, but Gundam had to factions with a concise description of "Earth (us) VS Space (them)". They didn't dedicate three paragraphs to this.
>People from the lands witnessed mysterious beings with a bright red eye fall from the sky. As they crash landed, they described their appearance to be that of red and blue ninja-like robots.
This is a very vague and undescriptive way to describe them. Unless you're going for intentional camp, no one is going to understand how your fucking mech looks from 'ninja-like robots'. The Giant of Light, or Adam, in Evangelion is a good example of a vague description that still puts a distinct image in your head.
>and a grand festival is taking place in Atlas City, Atlas. The leader of Atlas, King Daimus, has something planned for the people of Atlas,
Stop saying Atlas. Being repetitive like that will turn readers off.

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>>15297059
>We arrive into a grand
Right off the bat you're going to confuse reader with just the first two words. 'We arrive' implies a second person POV present tense, you can kinda get away with 'we' in first person too. But your chapter is in third person, which makes the 'we' jarring. Who is 'we'? Is there a narrator? Who is this narrator? All these questions from one word that you happen to start your book off with. Also this might be me, but I find present tense more difficult to write in, you're shooting yourself in the foot by using it.
>woman who is seen wearing a white leather jacket with a gold dragon on the back of the jacket, a black undershirt, long white pants, white combat boots, white fingerless gloves, and a wrist device placed on her right wrist that showcased a pink star onto it.
Fist, that's a huge run on. Secondly stop describing what she's wearing. Work those descriptions into her actions, don't just blurt it all out at once like you want to get it out of the way.
>She looked to be of importance, as many people took pictures of her and greeted her.
This is basic, you can show that she's of importance if you just mention the people taking picture with her. Instead right before that you go out of your way to TELL us that she's important.
>Victoria scruffs up the young man’s hair
See this sounds unnatural in present tense, if you like present tense you really have to work hard to make it sound good.
>“…. Yeah. I just miss ya little bro!” replied Victoria, grabbing Luke’s head and pulling it to her breasts.
Don't write like anime. Anime is not a good example to write from.

>>15297059
>>15297065

Go on.

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>>15297065
And from there it's the same problems repeated but you keep switching from one group to the other. The group switching is really throwing a lot at the reader all at once. It would be less jarring to stick with one group per chapter. Secondly you devolve into dialouge very often, remember you're writing a story not a script.
This is a lot for a first chapter, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't finish it. Which isn't a good sign if you want people to read your shit. If this is just your harmless ego project, you already got the places to share it covered. DA and Wattpad will take anything.
If you actually want people to read your stuff you have to give them a reason to read it, and more importantly make it readable.
And if you actually want to get this story published in someway, you're going to need a lot of trimming before anyone is willing to look at it.

>>15297071
OP here, and I must say, after much criticism from you, I appreciate it very much. Quite honestly it is mainly a hobby I've been doing for a long time now. When I first started it, it was mainly just script, however after redoing the entire story, I tried to do what you saw now.

Again, it's only a fun hobby I've done for quite some time now, so I guess youre right on it being an ego thing. I only wanted to share with others and see if they enjoy it or not. Its why I asked other artists to create the characters for me, just because I always wanted it. So far by your love criticism it's not too good, but I've shown it to a few others and they liked it. I'll be honest, quite disappointed and embarrassed by how badly I wrote the first one by the way you saw it , and really, I doubt I'll make significant changes to it. I enjoy it just the way it is, and am already close to finishing my 6th volume of this story. Again, appreciate you showing the errors, so maybe I'll take it into consideration in the future, but for now I'm just having fun with it, and just wanted to let others see and see if they like it.