What the Vanilla Coke™ did you just fucking say about me, you

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What the Vanilla Coke™ did you just fucking say about me, you little Dr. Pepper? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Vanilla Coke™ Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Pepper, and I have over 300 confirmed cans. I am trained in Vanilla™ warfare and I’m the top cola in the entire Coke™ armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another soda. I will wipe you the fuck out with flavor the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking delicious Vanilla flavor™. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, Pepper. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of colas across the USA and your flavor is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, off-brand. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your taste. You’re fucking dead, cola. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can carbonate you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare formula. Not only am I extensively trained in uncaffinated combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Coca-Cola Company and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable can off the face of the supermarket, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “new” formula was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn knock-off. I will shit Vanilla Flavor™ all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, cola.