Critique my writing /lit/

>>9997903
Too many adjectives.
Too many 'I's.
Confusion of past tenses: is it perfect or not?

You're American, aren't you? Apart from the double-quotes, Americans always use verbose language like this.

>>9997958
but is it good or bad?

>>9997981
4/10.

>>9997903
I concur with the other anon.
>I
>He
They feel too repetitive in this small extract. Do a ctrl+f in the entire chapter and ask yourself if it isn't too much.

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>>9997981

It's not good, but you can fix it. Go through and delete everything with an -ly ending. Some of your verbs are just jarring: "extricated", "sauntered" ?

Find some writing you like and type it up a few times. Pay attention to the verbs. There's nothing wrong with your grammar. You're just trying too hard.

>The rain was pouring violently
this is a good example of bad writing. Ever heard of the rule "Show, don't tell"? It sort of extends to descriptions too. You've only just told me that it's violently raining; you show what violent rain looks like.

>The storm pounded into the gravel lot as though it were divided into layered fields of watery points and edges, like falling beds of nails.

Ok so this is an example sentence that I've written. I think this is a better description of "violent rain" because it avoids matter-of-fact declarations like "it was violent" and cliches like "torrential downpours". To my knowledge, it's a original description, because I've never heard anyone describe rain like that before. Cliches are bad because they fail to communicate the thing they're describing; when the eye encounters a cliche it glazes over and passes it without truly feeling it.

>The storm pounded into the gravel lot as though the rain were divided into layered fields of watery points and edges, like falling beds of nails.
fixed it

Critique MY writing please, fellas

People at the party and I'm wanting to dance
(D-d-d-d-d-da-dance)
Other ugly ass bitches (Ugly ass bitches)
Ain't standin' no chance
Dudes lookin' at me like they wanna get in my pants
Hoes getting mad
Come on bitch. see me with them hands
First man up (First man up)
His hands on my hips
I drop it like it's hot (Drop- drop- drop- drop- drop- drop-)
He's lickin' his lips
His back on the wall (His back on the wall)
My ass on his (Di- di- di- di- di- damn)
Grindin' for a second (Grindin'- Grindin' for a second)
Gri- Grindin' for a second (Drop it- drop it- d- drop it)
Hands, see me with them hands
With them hands, with them hands
See me with them hands
With them hands, with them hands
See me with them hands
With them hands, with them hands
See me with- See me with them hands
(Go!)
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
Come on bitch, see- see- see me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
Come on bitch, see- see- see me with them hands
S- s- s- see me with them hands
S- s- s- s- see me with them hands
S- s- s- s- s- s- s- s- s-
S- s- s- s- see me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands (With them hands)
See- See me with them hands
See me with them hands
He don't know it
But I'm gettin' firm too
Fellas really need to know
Before calling me boo- calling me boo
Because what you see, isn't always the truth
(Always the truth)
Because, baby boy
I've got all the same parts that you do
See me with them hands
With them hands (With them hands)
With them hands (With them hands)
With them hands (With them hands)
With them hands (With them hands)
With them hands- hands (Hands- hands)
Hands- hands
Come on bitch, see me with- see me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
Come on bitch, see- see- see me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
See me with them hands
Come on bitch, see- see- see me with them hands
S- s- s- see me with them hands
S- s- s- s- see me with them hands
S- s- s- s- s- s- s- s- s-
S- s- s- s- see me with them hands
Because what you see (What you see)
Isn't always the truth
(See me with them hands- see me with them-)
Because, baby boy (See me with them hands)
I've got all the same parts that you do
(See me with them hands)
Because what you see
Isn't always the truth (See me with them hands)
Because, baby boy
I've got all the same parts that you do

>>9997903
Use less adjectives, it makes the writing look cluttered.

>>9998350
*fewer

I can tell you read a single paragraph of Poe, possibly Lovecraft, and decided to give it a go.

>>9998381
Rate my prose!

There were people at the party. I was wanting to dance. I surveyed the room. It was filled with ugly ass bitches. Against me they stood no chance. I caught a glimpse of some gentlemen who looked at me as if they wanted to get in my pants. Their hoes were getting mad. The first man approached me. He placed his hands on my hips. I dropped it as though it were hot. I felt as though my attentions were working their intended effect. He was licking lips, you see. His back was pressed against the wall. My ass was pressed into his dick. We remained there, I continued grinding. Little did he realise that he wasn't the only one in this couplet who was getting firm. His inattentiveness has betrayed him. Because what you see isn't always the truth. I had all the same parts that he did, after all.

Strip out every unnecessary word. Don't try to sound "writerly" by throwing adjectives in.

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Rain don't bang.

>>9997903
It looks like writing by someone who has never read serious literature. Read more and pay attention to the language and the flow of the words