grad student general

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A lot of reading, a new way of reading, and a higher standard for reading and writing. It'll be hard, but you'll grow accustomed to it. Professors will let their guard and facade down, and you will start seeing them as people, and in seeing them as people, flaws and all, you'll second guess some of the motivation that made you get into grad school in the first place; motivations you'll never admitted and you might never admit to. It's a slow process of disillusionment, akin to seeing your parents flaws.

What we're all looking for is moral exemplars as a signpost, as a goal for ourselves, and in seeing our parents fail in that capacity as we grow up, some of us seek out professors, but what allowed us to make them exemplars in our head is that distance that separated us. We saw them like mountains from afar, and we were in awe. For some, they become that signpost.

At first, the closer you get to the mountain, the more imposing it will seem, but as you start to climb it, you also start to notice their frigid nature, the cool and thin air, the desolate lifeless landscape, in short, their imperfections.
Meanwhile, your ego will get a boost because you'll start seeing the valleys from which you traveled and the friends you've left behind from afar, too, and they'll seem so small, so similar, so simple.

Eventually however, you'll grow comfy on the mountain, and that sense of awe will leave you. Then you'll wonder what the point of climbing is, what the point of living in this desert of the spirit is, and the only real answer you'll get is money. You've gone too far. You're too old, and you have too much debt. And even though you won't think much of being on the mountain, you'll also be unwilling to part with the feeling of respect and awe that you've gotten from valley dwellers.

You'll grow cynical, but you need to publish, and and you need to start making money, to find a job, because you'll be old now, and your parents will be old, too, and you'll want a family soon, because of course you will. Soon after, you'll see it as nothing but a job. One that pays you in social status, and money, but like I said, you'll be cynical, because you'll see it as nothing but a lie. It is then that you'll grow humble, and come down to the valleys, and be embarrassed at the respect you get from the valley dwellers.

Maybe.

I decided to do an internship instead of a thesis because I'm not planning to go back for a PhD for the next few years at the least.

So I'm going to relax and enjoy reading shit-tons of sci-fi and fantasy now that I'm done with classes.