Feedback for my Poem? Is it really dumb? Haha I wrote it about

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>>9942829
Maybe it's better without spaces idk

Maybe you should read poetry before trying to write poetry. This is fucking awful

>>9942847


I've read a lot of poetry bbut ok. I just have a different style of writing. I don't like all the literal stuff. I'm a free writer

>>9942847
If you think it's "fuckig awful" that's totally fine but you can explain why? Instead of being plain rude? That's all I'm trying to get at. Not useless negative comments/.

>>9942853
Apparently you're also free with your use of commas.

But, yeah, I love the lovely stuff.

>>9942871
And not just commas. Your punctuation is all over the place.

>>9942879
I'm typing on a phone. I don't really care about punctuation on a forum..

My name is Giovanni Keats, and let me tell you, this is a beautiful poem. -Keep it up!

I like it better without the spaces. >>9942838

>>9942884
You write like someone who doesnt know that there's a jewish plot to breed out whiteness

Put it in the poetry thread senpai
But also care a bit more about any advice you come here to get instead of feeling so quickly offended

>>9942829
Shouldn't the aviators enclose you (the writer), in the reflections? I feel like you took a wrong turn there.

>>9942889
Lmaooo


>>9942890
Thanks.. And I'm not, I just find it useless to say "fucking Awful" without any other feedback.. Like that doesn't help?

1- No rhythm. At all.
2- This produces no emotions in me.
Anon, free verse is really, really hard.

>>9942896
I'm trying to say like when he wearing them I feel disconnected because I can't see his eyes, and when he takes them off I'm in love.. Haha it's true I'm realy in love with him/he has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life

Any ideas for that then ? To get that across (that when his glasses are on I feel a disconect)

>>9942910
With them on, you see (or are) a distorted image of yourself, a doubling, etc., of which he is the cause. With them off, you see him seeing who you are, creating a new image of who you are

>>9942917
Btw, fuck all these haters, I like your poem. Keep at it.

>>9942829
>>9942838
>>9942853
>>9942884
>>9942900
>>9942910
>there are people who don't realize this is bait

like im totally a girl/fag but idk i just love this guy haha, my style is free but idk, k thxbai!

>>9942922


Okay this isn't bait it's my first
Time on this board tho. And I don't write poems a lot.

>>9942938
are you a 12 year old girl? You shouldn't be on here.

>>9942917
Ohh that's deeeeep

I wanna try to say that I can't see him with them on tho, not how I can see another version of me idk maybe tho

>>9942943


Just because someone's in love doesn't mean they're a 12 year old girl, I'm double the age. Sorry you can't feel in love when you're older nd you're bitter and angry?

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>>9942951
I too wrote a poem about a guy

>>9942953
Would you like to have your butthole licked by the guy you like?

>>9942976
Lol
Shush

>>9942977

Nah, I just wanna like spend time with hhim and experience things and grow together & love each other. But we both play games with each other and hide behind a mask

>>9942986
Would you like to lick his butthole tho?

I can't tell if this is actually girlposting or the boyim flaseflagging to make me hate women (more).

>>9943024
How's your relationship to your mother?

>>9942829
-rupi kaur

>>9943041
Pretty good I guess. I've been meeting up with my parents every Sunday morning and going kayaking for a few months. We didn't talk for a few years but we're pals now.

>>9943157
cute

>>9942871

Apologies, I didn't come want to come off as rude but it's difficult not to be so flippant when you expect us to review something you wrote and offer critique when it's obvious you spent maybe fifteen minutes on it. There's no rhyme, no rhythm. Everything feels painfully teenage and contrived. There's no depth to this poem at all. It's something a teenager who hasn't read poetry would produce, or something someone who fundamentally misunderstood what poetry is would produce. It's not original, it's not thought provoking, it's not deep. You can't just insert line breaks and expect it to supply its own meaning.

Don't take this the wrong way. You're probably a nice guy. Just read more poetry and try to truly understand it. Try to see what great poets of the past were doing behind their words. Your effort was painfully juvenile and uninspired, but your future efforts don't have to be.

Is this the first poem you ever wrote?

>>9942829
This is the gayest thing I have ever read. Please never write anything ever again

>>9942829
The only thing that really sticks out for me is how i keep thinking the first line is 'sitting on my face"

>never read any actual poetry
>attempts to write poetry

Oy vey, m80