Can someone help me rephrase this mess?

Use more terminology that you would find in those diagrams to drive home the point. You can do better than blood, heart, and open chest.

>>9907710
I tried but I just think its a stupid thing to say.

Maybe something like:

Clinical though it was, the dramatic scene of blood draining from his open chest only provoked meditations on the underlying mechanism at this moment. Images I had seen in class of the cardiovascular system with all its inner complexities came to mind and no passion was felt.

>>9907710
The scene was reminiscent diagrams of the heart I saw in anatomy class, words like coronary, aorta filled my head as I watched the blood drain

>>9907710
I pictured all the black red roots emerging from a static heart. I pictured cardiovascular system diagrams, while the blood came out in it's entirety. Everything came out of it, and as the blood drained into the floor, it slowly dragged my way. And I felt nothing.

I don't really know what this is about, but it seemed like an interesting scene.

>>9907733
this is garbage
>>9907879
this is worse

You are trying to capture a dynamic effect (the blood draining from his heart) with a static image (a diagram of a heart), which is why the sentence doesn't mesh well and gives an indistinct and confusing impression. If you are committed to rendering the scene as a diagram from a textbook, than I would recommend eliminating the active element and integrating that effect into a total image--the bloodless heart on an onionskin page.

>>9907710
>I pictured diagrams of the cardiovascular system we would memorize in class as blood drained from the heart in his open chest.
I pictured the diagrams of cardiovascular systems we would memorize in class as the blood drained from his heart through his open chest.

>>9907710
With chest torn apart, his blood drained out of his beating heart, reminding me of the diagrams of the cardiovascular system I used to memorize for class.

>>9907710
Blood drained from his open chest. It was high school biology all over again.

>>9907710
Change "we would memorize in class" to "that I memorized for class".

It still sounds clunky but thats all youre gonna get from me.

>>9907710
Images of diagrams of the cardiovascular system ran through my mind, as I watched the blood drain from his ever slowly beating heart resting in between the pleural cavities.

>>9907710
In the draining heart within his open chest I saw the bloodless diagrams I once memorized in class.

maybe add "of the cardiovascular system" after diagram or class, or add an em-dash to list some specifics like, "—the aorta, the ventricles, the pumping valves slowing as I watched..."
you really shouldn't ask people on the internet to write you stuff for you anon, this is the kind of thing you have to practice or live with as a writer

>>9908136
that being said i don't think cardiovascular is necessary, it's pretty clunky and diagrams is enough to make it clear what you are talking about, it's not like they're going to imagine a aural diagram or something.

>>9908136
>>9907710
also it's hard to read without context because it makes the cardiovascular system the direct object which makes it hard to tell when you are reading it that the "pictured" and "as" aren't connected.

Thanks for feedback anons. Some gifted writers in here

>>9907710
As the heart in his open chest drained blood, I pictured the diagrams of the cardiovascular system that we would memorize (or "we had to memorize", or "we memorized", or something else that fits better) in class.

>>9908136
>>9908318
the only good rewrites in this thread

>>9907710
As blood drained from the heart in his open chest we would memorize in class diagrams of the cardiovascular system I pictured.

>>9907710
I'm kinda with these >>9908110 >>9908318. If I may hazard a guess, you're writing something like a campus thriller? I don't know how many times you rewrote your initial sentence, but your insecurity in its syntax may actually play in your favour if your narrator is young and inexperienced in traumatic situations like what you're describing. I actually imagined the narrators from The Secret History or Special Topics in Calamity Physics when I first read it.