What are the funniest stories in the bible?

The part where god sends a bear down to kill some kids for making fun of a bald guy

>>9891878
book of revelation is a real knee slapper

Samson's wedding, Judges 14

>>9891878
The one that good ol' Lot offered his daugthers to get gang-raped by everyone else.
OT is fucked.

There's the classic "it's just a prank bro" between God and Abraham. But everyone knows that one.

There's one part that teaches you how to make dildos out of clay

When 42,000 people die for pronouncing a word wrong

Judges 12:6
>they said to him, ‘Then say Shibboleth’, and he said, ‘Sibboleth’, for he could not pronounce it right. Then they seized him and killed him at the fords of the Jordan. Forty-two thousand of the Ephraimites fell at that time.

When Samson gets some pussy

Judges 16:1
>Once Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute and went in to her.

When the priest Eli dies from falling off his chair

1 Samuel 4:18
>When he mentioned the ark of God, Eli fell over backwards from his seat by the side of the gate; and his neck was broken and he died, for he was an old man, and heavy. He had judged Israel for forty years.

And my favourite is the put downs from an Assyrian official (the Rabshakeh) in 2 Kings 18

>Then Eliakim son of Hilkiah, and Shebnah, and Joah said to the Rabshakeh, ‘Please speak to your servants in the Aramaic language, for we understand it; do not speak to us in the language of Judah within the hearing of the people who are on the wall.’ But the Rabshakeh said to them, ‘Has my master sent me to speak these words to your master and to you, and not to the people sitting on the wall, who are doomed with you to eat their own dung and to drink their own urine?’

The book of Jonah

>>9891887
which one is that?

>>9892067
When Elisha gets taunted by some kids

2 Kings 2:23-24
>He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, ‘Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!’ When he turned round and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

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>>9892085
People in the Old Testament go hard. Curses, miracles, mysticism. Might as well be an account of Habib's B.C. Dungeons and Dragons game

>>9892085
kek

>>9891878
Reading about how much of an irritable fuckhead Moses was gave me a few chuckles
>Meets God in the form of a burning bush
>Moses, this is God. I have chosen you to free the Israeli people from Egypt
>No
>...Yes
>I don't want to
>GO TALK TO THE PHAROAH
>I have a speech impediment
>take Aaron, he'll do the talking
>then why are you choosing me
>JUST

>God carves Moses some beautiful marble tablets engraved with the 10 commandments
>they're really fucking nice
>By the time Moses carries the stone tablets back to the people they managed to create another idol to worship like pagan pieces of shit
>goes full autism, shattering God's tablets in a rage
>makes the people destroy their idol and mix the dust with water
>forces them to eat it
>goes back to God
>hey I'm gonna need some new tablets, those other ones broke after I hurled them on the ground
>MAKE YOUR OWN

>leading a massive group of freed slaves to the promised land
>Trip should take a few months through the desert
>40 years later
>Moses dies lost in the desert because the goddamn Jews couldn't get their shit together and God didn't want that generation of asshats into the promised land

Makes you wonder why Moses was chosen as a prophet, he was obviously not having a good time

>>9891878
the one where the guy stabs the king and the sword sinks into the fat. then his servants wouldn't open the door because they thought he was relieving himself

>>9892165
Also shit spews out of his guts that the sword punctured

The Book of Judges is fucking hardcore

>>9892085

"Small boys" is mistranslated, it should say something like young man or teenager and they weren't merely mocking him for being bald. Elisha was probably a young man himself in this story, because after the incident he went on to live for at least fifty years, through the reign of four kings. Elisha may have been bald, not from age, but from a vow he took to serve the Lord (Acts 21:24 refers to a similar vow and corresponding head shaving). Therefore, the boys taunts about his baldness may have been directed toward his decision to serve the God of Israel. It also could have been on par with calling somebody an "idiot" regardless of his actual intelligence. Either way, the boys demonstrated profound lack of respect both for God and the prophets he sent.

Keep in mind that before this incident Elisha had just miraculously cleansed Jerichos water supply and now began an approximately ten-mile walk uphill to Bethel. If the boys came from Jericho, they saw firsthand that Elisha was a prophet of God, and they still chose to mock him. If they came from Bethel, then they probably represented the pagan elements of that city.

Imagine 40 adolescents having a mini holy crusade against you as you walk by yourself across a desolate area. You would rightly be nervous because such a large group cause you serious harm. These were not innocent kids.-

>>9892141
2 Corinthians 12:9
>And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for >thee: for my strength is made perfect in >weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather >glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ >may rest upon me.

God seems to purposefully select followers who would struggle to fulfill his commands on their own to demonstrate to them and the people around them the importance of relying on God. Moses probably was not allowed into the promised land for this same reason. God's decision seems to come not only from Moses' disobedience, but also because the people had become to reliant on Moses, a reliance that wouldn't work with a theocracy.

>>9892141
Evil is everywhere. Just there in that post you've seen why and how this works.

Mark my words, Satan and God are real. Something is happening right now with America and this struggle. One will rise. And he will be just.

Just read in the Koran when it talks about how God tells evil to lay down his tricks first and then have good swallow them whole. Good will prevail, and truth. Much to the bitter, hard chagrin of evil, whose world is the time-reverse of what it should be. Good is creating something beautiful over time. Evil is destroying something beautiful over time. The one talked about will define these different strains.

Chuckled when Paul tells Titus to grab a cloak he left behind.

>>9892141

The whole book of Exodus does not make the Jews look very good. The Jews get hungry while wandering the desert, so God literally rains bread from heaven and these motherfuckers have the nerve to whine about not having any meat. It's no wonder God made them cut parts of their dicks off.

>>9891878
Numbers 12. Paraphrased:
>Moses marries a black woman
>Miriam and Aaron aren't happy about this
>they complain
>God hears their complaining and comes down
>says "well if you hate BLACK people so much Miriam, I'm gonna strike you WHITE with leprosy"
>Miriam stricken with skin disease, her skin becomes white as snow
>Aaron goes crying to Moses, asking him to get the Lord to heal her
>Moses asks God to heal Miriam
>God says, "nah, not right now, I'm gonna let her suffer with it for a week"
And that's why racism is bad, kids.

There's also Genesis 18:
>Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
>Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. >Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
>So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
>Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
>Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
>Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
>But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”
It's literally:
>God: you laughed
>Sarah: nuh uh
>God: yeah huh

>>9892242
honestly if you spend time around jews you'll realize how terrible they are with directions, worse than asians. I can totally believe they got lost for 40 years

>>9892188
she-bear detected

>>9892267
>Sarah laughed to herself
TL NOTE: Isaac means laughter

>>9892277
ffs God of all the people to be the chosen ones, literally the fuckin Jews ~:(

>>9891912
wtf for some reason the only part of this I remember was Samson getting a prostitute.

>>9892188
Kids are not innocent, remember what St. Augustine said.

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The story of Job was the first Louie episode ever aired

>>9892320
fuckin leg day dude

>>9892168
>The Book of Judges is fucking hardcore

This. It's such a fun read honestly. It has the most badasses out of all the books of the Bible.

Also, that one part where the judge tells God he'll sacrifice whatever comes to his doorstep next as an offering, and then his daughter comes to the doorstep reminds me of a Greek myth.

>>9892329
>not having thin, graceful legs

>>9892280
laughed more than i shouldve at this

>>9892312
The jews of old are not the jews of today, just take that into account. The "chosen people of god" are practically anyone who chooses to serve him and love him honestly and thoroughly.

On that note, Israel fucking hates God and Jesus.

>>9892267
Now to the New Testament. The apostles are great comic relief.
Matthew 16:6-12:
>Jesus says, "beware the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
>the apostles: "oh shit we forgot to bring bread"
>Jesus: "guys have you forgotten that I can literally pull bread out of thin air"

Luke 22:35-38:
>at the last supper
>Jesus: "get your swords and purses and things ready, because I'm not gonna be here to take care of you anymore. Get it? Your Lord's gonna die."
>apostles: "don't worry Lord we got two swords right here"
>Jesus: "...I'm outta here."

Acts 12:13-16:
>Peter starts knocking on the door
>"I just escaped from prison, let me in, quick!"
>People check the door
>"Oh look, it's Peter's ghost."
>"PLEASE!"

"Am I my brother's keeper?" is the oldest use of sarcasm/irony (on a primitive level, I know) I know of

>>9892141
>Moses dies lost in the desert because the goddamn Jews couldn't get their shit together and God didn't want that generation of asshats into the promised land
Specifically, Moses was never allowed in the promised land because he disobeyed God in Num 20:7-12, which is also another episode of Moses Is an Insufferable Fuck: The Animated Series.

7 and the Lord spoke to Moses, saying,
8 “Take the rod; and you and your brother Aaron assemble the congregation and speak to the rock before their eyes, that it may yield its water. You shall thus bring forth water for them out of the rock and let the congregation and their beasts drink.”

9 So Moses took the rod from before the Lord, just as He had commanded him; 10 and Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly before the rock. And he said to them, “Listen now, you rebels; shall we bring forth water for you out of this rock?” 11 Then Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly, and the congregation and their beasts drank. 12 But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you have not believed Me, to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them.”

>God: "Speak to the roc-"
>Moses: "HI BILLY MOSES HERE WITH THE NEW WATER PRODUCING ROD™ BY AARON® JUST BEAT THE ROCK OF MERIBAH, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE LIKE THIS: BONK! BONK! AND YOUR PEOPLE'S THIRST IS QUENCHED"
>God: "Oh my Self, Egyptian education did a number on this guy."
>Moses: "AM I THE GREATEST TEACHER AND PROPHET YET"
>God: "Fuck outta here."

>>9892242
Just the book of Exodus? Judges was nothing but apostasy after apostasy after apostasy.

>>9892362
>The jews of old are not the jews of today
Great point, agreed. He is a just god and his word has spread.

What you've said is literally said verbatim in the Qur'an as well as the New Testament

>>9891878
didn't jesus take some demons out of a homeless man, transfer them to some pigs, and then order them to drown themselves?

I've always found the captured ark episode amusing. Wreaking havoc wherever it's carried until finally simply given back.

>>9892436
He didn't order them to the demons drowned the pigs themselves.

>>9892468
that makes it even more funny desu

>Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter his mother’s womb and be born a second time, can he?”

Jesus doesn't even get the sarcasm.

Then Jesus acts all holier than though.

>>9892457
>guy notices the ark is wobbling
>puts his hand on it to steady it
>God kills him for his effort
What a dick move

>>9892222
Damn. What religion are you?

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That poor donkey

>>9892529

There's actually a couple good reasons that man died that aren't completely obvious. The most simple reason is that God commanded nobody to touch it except for the priests, but the second and more interesting one is that the people transporting the ark weren't doing their due diligence and caring for it like they should have. The fact that it almost fell is proof of this, because if it was secured properly there wouldn't have been a problem. This lack of care demonstrates a grave disrespect to the most holy object in the world.

>>9892487

>Nicodemus said to him

You know that's not Jesus taking right?

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>>9891878
When Jesus took a whip out of cords that He made and drove the moneychangers from the temple by beating them and their livestock.

Good times, good times.

>>9893216
Jesus is the him...

Nicodemus comments about crawling up his mother's cunt saying yea right everyone knows you can't be born again and then Jesus talks a bit after with his holier than though schtick and so every Baptist preacher nowadays uses Nicodemus as a dumbass butt of a joke when Nicodemus clearly is being sarcastic and Jesus doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

>>9892487
>>9893700
>holier than though

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>>9891902
>Do unto them WHATEVER you want. Really, whatever... you can think of, just. please! Go nuts.

>>9891878

the running gag that it is possible, or philosophically defensible for human beings, thrust into the world without their own consent and only ever doing small and finite damage to each other in their own little world, can somehow possibly merit eternal punishment in hell, for their finite and antlike sin.

Likewise, Job is a funny story where a god behaves in exactly the opposite way that a just omnipotent being should do.

There's a large fan community which is dedicated to the meme of not breaking character, and acting out the part of people who can possibly believe such childish and morally abhorrent conclusions. As part of their shtick, they regularly attend church, set up community organizations and (among those most in on the joke) abuse children and then cover up same - all in the service of keeping up the joke. Some of the people who "take the joke seriously" post on internet forums about the history of the joke, and pretend to dismiss people who identify the joke on clear grounds.

Onan pulls out of his bro's widow before he cums in her and God kills him on the spot for not wanting to have kids.

>>9893890
Think it's rather for spreading his seed in the dirt, but whatever.

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>Proverbs 26:18-19

>>9892188
>88
>talking about the first recorded skinhead

>>9893890
He was obligated to have kids with the widow so that his dead brother would have his house continued.

Paul calling Cretans stupid.

Titus 1:12 One of themselves, even a prophet of their own, said, the Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.
13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;
14 Not giving heed to Jewish fables, and commandments of men, that turn from the truth.

Ezekiel 23:20

>There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

>>9892165
>>9892168
Came here to post this.

>>9894674
Too bad God didn't punish him with something other than death so he still could have possibly fathered a child, but it seems like OT God almost always goes for the kill.

>>9892267
>>9892141
>>9891912
>>9891908
>>9891887

Christians can't believe this literally happened, right guys?

Right...?

>>9894660
>judaism/christianity is officially anti-bantz

The Curse of Ham

>be me
>Ham, son of Noah
>just got off the ark
>feelsgoodman.jpeg
>dad invents wine
>he's a total lightweight and passes out naked
>I go to put a blanket on him
>my brothers try to put the blanket on backwards so they don't see his nuts
>I don't really care
>dad finally wakes up
>finds out that I saw his nuts
>curses my youngest son so that he and his descendants are doomed to be enslaved by my brothers and their descendants
>his skin literally turns black from how hard he got cursed
>tfw

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>>9892085
> "Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!"

>>9891912
Holy shit I want to read the bible now

>>9892165
>>9892168
Holy shit sunday school would've been awesome if we heard these stories

Why are ancient stories so great?
>that story in Herodotus when the Persians get BTFO by crossdressers when they're drunk

>>9891912
>When 42,000 people die for pronouncing a word wrong
Ahahahhahaha Jesus Christ

>>9894762
Holy shit go back to re.ddit please

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>>9891878

>WWJD???

Jesus gets angry with a fig tree that won't feed him, uses his godly powers to blow it up with lightning bolts. (the story is told twice in the bible btw)

mention it to your priest, and ask him what the story meant. they'll make an excuse and shuffle away quickly.

>>9895612
I've heard reasonable explanations from ministers about what that story is about. Feel free to Google it since you've never looked into it apparently.

>>9895612

Israel was symbolized by a fig tree all throughout the OT. Now that you know this try rereading the story.

>>9895632
The word of god is not for man to interpret, despite what the heretic Martin Luther has to say about it.

If his priest doesn't want to share the truth with him then it is because he knows he is not ready for it.

>>9895612
I thought he just made it whither and not bear fruit

>>9895643
>the bible isn't literal truth, its full of allegories.

fuck you.

>>9895643

You're not fooling anyone, proddie.

>>9895643
Still waiting on that Official Papal Bible Commentary so we can finally understand what the Bible means.

>>9895681

No it doesn't work like that. The Magisterium works like the supreme court. They don't create law, they just make rulings on things when they become a problem.

>>9895643

Imagine if every American had the authority to decide what the US constitution means. Each person could do as he wished, saying that his actions fell under his own interpretation of "freedom of religion" or "freedom of association." What would come of this approach? Anarchy. Fortunately, the founding fathers created an institution called the Supreme Court that was entrusted with interpreting the Constitution. That way, through the court's decisions, a uniform legal code would be created that would treat all citizens equally. Just as a personal interpretation of the constitution would lead to chaos for the rule of law, relying solely on one's personal interpretation of the bible as a guide to Christian doctrine leads to chaos for the rule of faith.

If Americas founding fathers were wise enough to foresee the dangers of individuals engaging in private constitutional interpretation, then wouldn't the church's "founding fathers," or Christ and the apostles, see the danger in relegating Christian authority to private biblical interpretation? We read in Peter 1:20 that "no prophecy of scripture is a matter of one's own interpretation," and the author later warns his readers that some passages in the bible are "hard to understand, which the ignorant and the unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other scriptures" (2 Pet. 3:16)

>>9895701
oh, a redpill on /lit/.

nice1

>>9893799
pretty much this. I'm trapped in a world dominated by an obvious joke. but if I dare point out the joke, I'M the one who is "immoral."

>>9895701
>No it doesn't work like that. The Magisterium works like the supreme court. They don't create law, they just make rulings on things when they become a problem.
That's unfortunate for us mortals who would just like to know the meaning of one of Jesus' parables or some such thing.

>>9895730
Attend mass and you'll find out.

>>9895730

You could try joining a Bible study.

>>9895748
>>9895749
That's just someone's private opinion, anon. The magisterium has issued no ruling on the subject so what they're telling me may very well be determined to be wrong in the future.

>>9895769

So?

>>9895788
So humans privately interpreting Scripture is fine then?

>>9895790

Of course it is. The Catholic Church only makes definitive rulings on things when they become a problem, and the number of these things are very limited. A Catholic might believe in a literal 6 day creation if he wishes because the Church never made a ruling on it. We have a lot of freedom when it comes to this sort of thing.

>they think they can interpret the bible freely

Bunch of protestant scum.

>>9895807
>>9895808
Who do I believe? Is there a magisterial ruling on this?

>>9895612
The funny thing is that in Mark (usually held to be the eldest) he curses it and later they find it and it's dead, and in Matthew it dies immediately. Perfect whisper game example.

>>9895810

When in doubt, consult Catholic Answers

https://www.catholic.com/qa/does-the-catechism-encourage-private-interpretation-of-the-bible

>>9895810
You believe the Church of Christ, you ignoramus.

>>9895810
Stop believing in any church that doesn't uphold apostolical succession and you should be fine.

>>9895832
Do they have magisterial teaching authority?

>>9895833
How do I know what the Church has officially ruled on something? Can I interpret that myself or do I need someone to do it for me?

>>9891878
oset zwrócił do róży rosnącej na Libanie takie wezwanie
daj mi twoją córke za żone
Jednak zwierz co jest na Libanie przejdzie sie po oscie i zdepcze

Quote from memory

>>9895810
Exsurge Domine, written by Pope Leo the Tenth.

>>9895846
>Do they have magisterial teaching authority?

No and it's not necessary. You don't have to be a bishop in order to share truth with somebody else.

>>9895848
If I read this am I allowed to interpret it myself? Is there a ruling on that?

>>9891908
>bro *laughs* bro cmon bro abraham cmon just like bro kill your son bro cmon
The Bible was very avant-garde for its time.

>>9895858
But you need to know the truth in order to share it. That's really the crux of it.

>It's another Protestant thinks hes clever episode

>>9895875
I'm not a Protestant.

>>9895878

I am

what if the bible was like a comedy book that has gotten taken too seriously. i mean with all these she-bears and burning bushes.

it plays like a sketch show.

Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”

Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king likes you, and his attendants all love you; now become his son-in-law.’”

They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”

When Saul’s servants told him what David had said, Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

When Saul realized that the Lord was with David and that his daughter Michal loved David, Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.

>>9895701
>Imagine if every American had the authority to decide what the US constitution means. Each person could do as he wished, saying that his actions fell under his own interpretation of "freedom of religion" or "freedom of association." What would come of this approach? Anarchy
And that is why Protestantism is the only acceptable branch of Christianity.

Of course, you have to loot Cathos and Orthodox faggots as you do so. Actual Protestants don't have much to say religiously.

>>9895701
>peter 1:20
you took that out of context:

>Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.

>For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.

>But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

also:

>And count the patience of our Lord as salvation, just as our beloved brother Paul also wrote to you according to the wisdom given him, as he does in all his letters when he speaks in them of these matters. There are some things in them that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other Scriptures. You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability.

>>9896011

How is it out of context? I'm not seeing it.

>>9896033
The first verse is referring to the source of scripture. It's saying that it's God's word not man's interpretation of his word.
After rereading, the second isn't out of context.

Book of Lamentations is pretty hilarious

>>9896057
>The first verse is referring to the source of scripture. It's saying that it's God's word not man's interpretation of his word.

How does this added context contradict the way it was used though?

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>>9891878
The fucking talking Donkey

>>9896071
Because talking about the writers of the bible. It's not talking about readers.

It's the word of God, so the authorial intent is god's intent, not the people that wrote it down.

>>9896131
Only insofar as they wrote in the spirit of God. There are plenty parts of the Bible that are clearly personal to the narrator

>>9892341
>reminds me of a Greek myth.
...should we tell him?

>>9892085
hairlets, when will they learn?

Priests and prophets stagger from beer
and are befuddled with wine;
they reel from beer,
they stagger when seeing visions,
they stumble when rendering decisions.
All the tables are covered with vomit
and there is not a spot without filth.

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>>9894954
>be noah
>all your family talks about your entire life is how your grandparents realized grandpa's nuts were hanging out so God cursed them and kicked them out of literal paradise and they've spent the remaining generations trying to atone for it
>get shitcanned one night
>wake up
>see nuts hangin' out
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck.jpg
>"DID ANYBODY SEE MY NUTS HANGING OUT?!"
>"Yeah, I did," says Ham. "You were fucking drunk, old man. Jesus Christ have some respect for yourself."
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck.jpg
>"God damn you you stupid motherfucker I told your mother we should have aborted you fuckin hell you fucked everything up again God damn it fuck!"
>tfw man just keeps fuckin' up

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>>9895643
lol. Catholics. When will they ever learn?

>>9892529
Quite typical of ancient near east morality. Later Western Europeans could not have written this

In the book Tobit (deuterocanonical) a demon called Asmodeus repeatedly kills a Jewess' husband before they get to consummate the marriage.

>>9896242
Are you implying that the Bible isn't made up of 100% accurate historical stories?

Wow, no way.

>>9896391
Tobit is a funny book in general. The titular character goes blind from birds shitting in his eyes, and gets healed by having fish gall rubbed on them.

>>9895900
Some parts aren't exactly comedy gold

>The number of the Israelite people: 3 the descendants of Parosh, two thousand one hundred and seventy-two. 4 Of Shephatiah, three hundred and seventy-two. 5 Of Arah, seven hundred and seventy-five. 6 Of Pahath-moab, namely the descendants of Jeshua and Joab, two thousand eight hundred and twelve. 7 Of Elam, one thousand two hundred and fifty-four. 8 Of Zattu, nine hundred and forty-five. 9 Of Zaccai, seven hundred and sixty. 10 Of Bani, six hundred and forty-two. 11 Of Bebai, six hundred and twenty-three. 12 Of Azgad, one thousand two hundred and twenty-two. 13 Of Adonikam, six hundred and sixty-six. 14 Of Bigvai, two thousand and fifty-six. 15 Of Adin, four hundred and fifty-four. 16 Of Ater, namely of Hezekiah, ninety-eight. 17 Of Bezai, three hundred and twenty-three. 18 Of Jorah, one hundred and twelve. 19 Of Hashum, two hundred and twenty-three. 20 Of Gibbar, ninety-five. 21 Of Bethlehem, one hundred and twenty-three. 22 The people of Netophah, fifty-six. 23 Of Anathoth, one hundred and twenty-eight. 24 The descendants of Azmaveth, forty-two. 25 Of Kiriatharim, Chephirah, and Beeroth, seven hundred and forty-three. 26 Of Ramah and Geba, six hundred and twenty-one. 27 The people of Michmas, one hundred and twenty-two. 28 Of Bethel and Ai, two hundred and twenty-three. 29 The descendants of Nebo, fifty-two. 30 Of Magbish, one hundred and fifty-six. 31 Of the other Elam, one thousand two hundred and fifty-four. 32 Of Harim, three hundred and twenty. 33 Of Lod, Hadid, and Ono, seven hundred and twenty-five. 34 Of Jericho, three hundred and forty-five. 35 Of Senaah, three thousand six hundred and thirty.

>>9891878
The Bible itself.

>>9891887

This.

Or the part where David brings back 200 foreskins to Saul. It's hilarious to envision the scene where David strolls into Saul's throne room, carrying a huge package on his back, and dumps the bag of dickskins at the feet of Saul like some cock-crazed Santa Claus.

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>>9894762 is too troll-y and >>9895308 adds nothing to the discussion.

But in the end the former is still what I think. I had a crush on a muslim girl who was so devout I couldn't help wondering how she could try to become a doctor while at the same time believe everything in the Qur'an (well, maybe not "believe" in the general sense, but at the very least in the fact that there was 100% another life after this one).
Our discussions were great but in the end the answer was always one of those:
1- you can't understand me because you don't believe yourself
2- I can't explain because it's God, so case closed
3- deflecting when I asked her about the sense of the Qur'an of Bible (which lead to 2 almost all the time), especially about things like "Earth created in 7 days, how can God let millions of children die if he's so good", etc. So basically the answer would be "some people devote their lives trying to understand the sacred texts, so don't try yourself when you haven't read any (which is true)", but I find this retarded when next day she would "blindly" follow what was written in a book "because it's from God", like 5 prayers a day, not eating pork, and all that.

tl;dr or ;didn't care, I'm still trying to understand how people can both defend "the word of God" while at the same time claiming that no one understands it, and if you try to find flaws you will never get a satisfying answer. Basically it's like "I follow what I want (# of prayers, what to eat and not to eat, ...) but reject what I don't like (calls to violence, inaccuracies in how the universe works, ...)"

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Austin 3:!6

>>9892242
Was God redpilled?

>>9897211
This

>>9899650
A redpilled god wouldnt create something this flawed then blame it on the creations when shit hits the fan like a child who cant lose and throws his hands up and down in hysterics.
So no

>>9891902
and they raped him so humanity wouldn't die out
hmm, never really connected the two before

>>9891887
That's a misreading. They aren't making fun of him for being bald they are making fun of him because his bald friend died in a storm. They say something like "go up on ye bald head." or some shit, but they are basically telling him to go die like his friend did.

in john jesus pranks his mom who thought he was dead by pretending to be a gardener.
>when she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there; but she did not recognize that it was Jesus. 15“Woman, why are you weeping? Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?” Thinking He was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried Him off, tell me where you have put Him, and I will get Him.” 16Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to Him in Aramaic, “Rabboni!

>be jew
>chosen people of god
>wander around in desert for 40 years
>settle on promised land
>the only fucking place in the ME without oil

>>9891912
Samson is the funniest and ballsiest motherfucker in the bible

also i lost my shit at that part when eli falls off

>>9892604
this is basically giving animals rights, right? thats what i perceived, what with god literally speaking thru the donkey and all

>>9899949

That's not his mom, it's a different. Mary.

>>9900412
>this is basically giving animals rights, right? thats what i perceived

That's one of the most bizarre readings of text that I've ever seen.

>>9892085
top kek, sounds almost like a daniil kharms story

an interesting fact:
People used to make scythes out of donkey jawbones so when samson killed all those people with a donkey's jawbone what he was using was a scythe.

>>9893998
Wrong. Reread it.

>>9892141
comedy gold

>>9892222
>>9892597
More like -- what did you smoke?

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>>9891878
That part about the evil figs.

>One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very evil figs, which could not be eaten, they were so evil.

>>9901660
well, will you eat something EVIL?

>>9892188
They're at least over 13, well over the acceptable mauling threshold.

>>9901660
I assume they were male/female figs and the fig wasps made them evil. I don't know.

>>9892363
>Matthew 16:6-12
Holy shit, this stuff is gold. You can feel the frustration that Jesus had to go through teaching these morons about everything.
>8 Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, “You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? 9 Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 10 Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? 11 How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” 12 Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

IT'S A METAPHOR YOU RETARDS!

>>9895088
It makes sense in context, they wanted to know who the outsiders were and they had an accent. Similar things happened during both WWs.

>>9892277
>tfw Jew
>tfw horrible with directions
there might be something in this...

>>9892141
Not to mention he gets an entirely new set of commandments (that are even more focussed on worship and less on general morality) the second time.

>>9892165
Judges is a comedy goldmine. Samson is the most retarded protag ever

>>9892188
>its mistranslated because it doesn't sound nice

Okay then.

>>9893700
Obviously Jesus was aware of the sarcasm but he also knew that sarcasm should be treated ingenuously

>>9893799
0.03 Cheetos have been deposited into your account

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth"
Exodus 20:4

literally: Don't draw things guys mmkay?

>>9895612
You idiot, it was to demonstrate a parable

>>9897332
Didn't he want to turn them into a coat as well?

>>9901668
I love lemons

>>9903296
Fig wasps pollenate like 2 of the 500 species of figs on earth, and not the ones you find in stores.

Read a book.

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Why would someone write the bible? No seriously, a bunch of people who believe their shit, sat down and wrote a mega fanfic.

>>9904842
I think it's Ehud.

>>9905119
Why would someone write the iliad? No seriously, a bunch of people who believe their shit, sat down and wrote a mega fanfic.

The bible is literally Memri TV: The Book

>Hey you know that crazy world full of suffering and turmoil I made?
>y-yeah
>Well don't complain because I have the solution right here. I made this place that's even worse, unimaginably so, called Hell. There is nothing but torture and agony for eternity? Isn't that awesome?
>uhh, doesn't sound too great, God
>No listen. If you do absolutely everything I say, especially worshipping me then I wont send you there
>...
>Really I'm doing you a favor here

The whole thing is a big meme

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>>9905119

>>9906468
Wow, what a brainlet

>>9905119
Why would someone write the Aeneid? No seriously, a bunch of people who believe their shit, sat down and wrote a mega fanfic.

>>9905119
Why would someone write the Divine Comedy? No seriously, a person who believes this shit, sat down and wrote a mega fanfic.

>>9906592
Divine Comedy is a spinoff tho

>>9891878
The book of Job.

>>9906468
>>>/r/atheism

>>9906597
A lot of people call it a self-insert fanfic.

>>9906615
t. brainlet who can't come up with an argument

>>9906615
Oh I wsh I were an atheist but I actually believe such a nutjob does apprehend our reality.

>>9892188
the original for "small boys" is "nearim ktanim" in Hebrew, which does mean small youths/teenagers. But on the second time "boys" is "yaladim" which means children. So yeah, he killed kids for laughing at him, don't defend a primitive madman from the desert.

>>9906967
god works in mysterious ways...

The Jesus getting pissed off and destroying the money lenders in the temple. I really wish he would come back and do that to televangelists and megachurch people. That's my favourite Jesus. Really shows a lot of humanity, I think. I could be wrong, but I can really relate to that Jesus.

>>9891912

The failure of pronunciation revealed the mispronunciators as Ephraimites, the enemy of the Israelites.

It wasn't because he just pronounced it wrong.>>9895088

>>9907156
>revealed the mispronunciators as Ephraimites
So it's like in Inglorious Basterds when the guy signals three with the wrong fingers? Tarantino really is a plagiarizing hack.

>>9907022
Not really. Talk shit, get hit

>>9907099
The moneylenders scene was about Jews, not American giga-prophets

>>9907211

I figured it was about anyone appropriating God's temples for money making of any kind.

>>9897342
Making your own system of values (not beliefs about what exists, but about how to live) is very challenging. So they don't do it. They take the values ready made in a religious belief system, and then to not give themselves massive passivity in just doing what their told, they kid themselves into believing the existential elements as well.

Without religion, Neitsche said each person would have to develop their own system of values personally, and that most people couldn't do this. (hence the rise of nihilism alongside secularism).

There are some new systems, like acceptance and commitment therapy, which aims to help people develop their own values. It takes work.