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Hey /lit/, I was wondering if any of you knew of any books that produce or talk about the onset of existential dread.
If anyone wants to know why then get ready for > muh blog
When I was about 13 I started to feel existential dread, nothing seemed to make this gnawing feeling disappear. I would dread sunset.
I would find myself longing to go to school, for a distraction. Eventually the dread went away, but I would become depressed in my late teen years and the first few years of my twenties.
The alleviation of dread seemed to occur when I started to focus on my school work. It was still there I suppose, beneath the surface, but I managed to get my life arranged in a manner that I would be content with relatively long days of study.
When I got to university, my living situation was terrible, and I was under a lot of stress, to the point that I was overwhelmed with existential dread, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts
I've been on antidepressants for a few years now, and I've gotten into a stable living arrangement this last 5 months or so. I used to spend time just trying to distract myself from the dread, now I can barely feel it. I would spend long hours distracting myself with vidya, tv, and Internet. Now I want to revive the drive I had when I was younger, before all the stress.
I used to watch very little TV and spend little time on the internet, I didn't listen to music, and rarely podcasts. I would play sports several times a week.
I would spend time studying math, or biology, or chemistry. Or reading fiction, or practicing chess. Sometimes I would ride the bus alone, with no source of entertainment, and just think.
Now I find it difficult to be away from any source of "connectedness". I wonder if I need to produce the feeling of existential dread, as a driving force for change. I've been getting into meditation lately, and it seems to improve my situation. I seem to be able to distinguish a feeling of stress whenever I start to use my phone or computer. In all honesty, i just want to get some more control over my life. I've been trying to resolve negative feelings and (in general) desires. I used to be able to listen to my lectures with ease, and without much need for notes. Before my prescription of antidepressants I found it difficult to concentrate for even a quarter of a lecture, or even read for 10 minutes without getting headaches.
I'm working my way back there, but I miss the ability to make these fluid intuitive insights and to see combinations on a chess board.
> inb4 kill yourself
> inb4 leddit
> inb4 r9k
> inb4 [other shitpost here]
> inb4 OP can't inb4
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>>9887962
Existential dread is really easy to overcome.
Whenever I need to judge what I'm doing or decide what to do, I ask myself:
>What would an old guy in a miserable, ugly, poorly maintained retirement home who never sees his family and friends and will die all alone choose to do I he were me?
Now it's simply a matter of keeping the activities that Mr. Senior Self does to a minimum.
Example:
>Sit inside all day to browse 4chan
>Meh, probably something an old person would do
>Go out into town?
>I never see depressed old people in town so it must be a good decision to go
Tl;dr: do the opposite of what a lonely senior citizen in a retirement home would do. Also, read the Greeks.
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>>9888001
Wow almost got double trips
To illustrate my point, let me tell you of a man who is in his 90s who lives in rural France. He's repeatedly said that he dreaded the idea of going to a retirement home because he would have nothing to do there: "I would probably die pretty soon after arriving at the retirement home." So instead he still lives at home, taking care of his chickens, rabbits and the vegetables in his garden. He constantly engages with his community and mows the grass in his huge lawn with a sickle like a boss. How many people in their 90s can say they regularly use a sickle or even could? Heck, how many people in their 90s can say they live at home?
Give yourself mountains to climb, OP: a garden to work in, a park to walk through, a room to clean, a flower to water, a cafe to frequent, a language to learn, etc.
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>>9887962
The Conspiracy Against the Human Race by Thomas Ligotti
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>>9887962
Books? I don't know. Advice? I can offer some just from personal experience.
I too know this feel. When it hits hard, I feel very disconnected from 'reality' and it just seems like a foreign concept that exists for some unknown reason. Things that were once very familiar just *aren't* when looked at objectively. It's terrifying.
If you're ever panicking, I find that just accepting the anxiety head-on and thinking the difficult thoughts to be actually helpful. Feel the anxiety running through your body. Feel the shakiness, the lack of surety, the disconnectedness, the feelings of meaningless and of course the feelings of inescapability. Face that torment head on and don't try to run from it. Trying to run from a thought on purpose doesn't work (hence distractions are good), so be brave and just THINK it.
It will be scary, it will be uncomfortable, but you'll become desensitized to it and this will be liberating. You'll be able to have the thoughts and not freak out about them / feel intense dread.
I got this information by looking up 'how to stop having a panic attack'. I started having a crazy one at work once just from thinking too much. It told me to do this. Tried it and it worked a charm. Still do this if a new existential thought pops up. Off the antidepressants now, myself a few weeks, just coming out of the withdrawal period (I hope)
Hope this helps, OP.
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>>9887962
clean meats and veggies. music will boost mood. Meditation makes you feel really good, pity almost nobody does it. There arent any goals in life. life doesnt have a reason. all there is is time and how you would like to spend it. do you actually have fun op?
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