please read this new short thing I wrote

>stoner culture

Cringe

woops, link is here https://monkeyfingersblog.wordpress.com/2017/08/11/the-kimono-dragon-the-battle-of-the-stoned-fists/

>>9877804
Yeah not a big smoker myself these days, weed just happens to be the context for this story

>>9877796
Not going to lie, friend, this was terrible. I'll give you a better critique in a moment.

>>9878050
Alright lay it on me. Maybe read the interview with the kimono dragon as well? Meant to be an introduction to the character.

I liked it anon :) I think if you fleshed it out a bit more it could be better. Maybe add a bit more character building and slow the narrative down a bit, reads like it could be some sort of serialised story in a magazine or a blog something.

>>9877796
>>9878050
One of the biggest gripes I had was that you rarely described anything, and when you did-i'm exclusively referring to the final fight scene here-it came off as clumsy and tiring. You've got to be more descriptive.
In the first scene we're someplace unknown being assaulted by some goon, who we'll get to later, in the second scene we're in the Umebachi Dive Bar, but this environment is left blank save for "mostly uninhabited", and then again, after we leave the bar, there is no description of the surrounding environment, of the fauna, or of the gang member surrounding Coco Nut. I actually wasn't sure whether the story took place in an urban city environment or in some rural subsistence shithole.
This first bit seems like something petty, but it goes a long way when you want to create a certain feeling in your stories eh? I can imagine that you want to take a stylized approach with your writing, and if that's the case, the worst thing you can do is leave it to the reader to create the world for you. First of all that's an insultingly lazy approach to writing and second subjective speculation will always stray from your creative vision as a writer.
Actually now that I remember you did mention it was morning, but when it's only one of a thousand possible describing factors you quickly forget it when reading on, in which case you might as well omit it.
You also failed to describe any of the characters, unless you count the Jamaican girl having brown skin, dreadlocks, and a local accent as detail. When I read the line
>His peripheral vision wasn’t great due to his slit-like pupils.
My first thought was "I think Japanese people can see just fine with their eyelids being slanted."
I had connected the only two details you had given, a blue kimono and slanted eyes, and assumed the hero was Asian. Is that slightly racist on my part? Sure, but there is no way of identifying the hero as a lizard until later in the story, and even then it was only a vague connection where I said "Oh, I guess he's a lizard(?)" That kind of thing shouldn't be unknown to the reader unless the plot called for it, but considering your story is about an adulterer/murderer who happens to be a lizard, its safe to bet that that isn't the case. Again, when you omit details like this it creates confusion for the reader.
Look at the first paragraph,
>He shifted forward in purposive, steady strides. He was wearing a blue kimono. His arms moved stiffly back and forth. They were held perhaps a bit too far away from his torso.
His face was composed in a strained, serious expression. A rustling to his left caused his lowered head to tilt to the side. His pupils were held uncomfortably in the corners of his eyes.
Through speculation I can assume he's in a shopping mall surrounded by people and suddenly the kimono dragon becomes an autist who gets anxious in noisy, crowded environments.

>>9878225
Sorry if some of this is weird to read, its hard keeping track of what I said in this tiny little text box:
>He shifted forward in purposive, steady strides. He was wearing a blue kimono. His arms moved stiffly back and forth. They were held perhaps a bit too far away from his torso.
His face was composed in a strained, serious expression. A rustling to his left caused his lowered head to tilt to the side. His pupils were held uncomfortably in the corners of his eyes.
Through speculation I can assume he's in a shopping mall surrounded by people and suddenly the kimono dragon becomes an autist who gets anxious in noisy, crowded environments.

The autism bit isn't a jab at the character, but I can't stress the importance of detail in a work.
I've got to go in a few minutes but I want to leave some notes for you to think about

a)the entire second scene is useless, it provides zero information to the reader and slows down/lengthens an otherwise cumbersome story-please consider revising it or omitting

b)think about how your characters react to one another a little bit more. Right now the dialogue seems like filler to me, but if you give each character a distinct personality then you might be able to make their lines a little more believable.
Sidenote-komodo dragons go into a frenzy over the scent of blood, I'm only saying this because the hero is an animal with animal instincts, if he didn't have those instincts then you might as well make the hero a man, right?
sidenote to the sidenote-if you're having trouble coming up with character identities then might I suggest making them all animals? The iron palm tree gang memberes were referred to as 'men' but I had a better time thinking of them as monkeys, screeching and hollering as their clan leader fought a komodo dragon.

c)there really is no reason to root for the hero, the kimono dragon. This is only personal preference but the hero has to be someone to look up to, to admire, or to be inspired by, and nobody should or even desire to admire a murderer/adulterer.

e)please clean up the fight scene, as its a bit messy at the moment.

Really wish I could go in detail and i'll admit that my own critiques are sloppy and wholly subjective
As a first draft its fine but it needs serious (capital S) retouching before you even think about posting it anywhere.

I liked it.

>>9878225
Hey. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it and give me feedback.

Firstly i think you hit the nail on the head regarding the lack of descriptions, especially for the environments. That wasn't on purpose. I consider myself more of a descriptive writer than anything else but i remember first writing this and actually not visualizing any environment at all for the opening scene (perhaps a barren path with bushes) or the fight scene except that it was in front of the Umebachi Bar (kinda dusty western setting) and as for the bar itself, one of the typical restaurants you'd see in a kung-fu flick. But i didn't give any descriptions alluding to that at all, I need to give more thought to the settings in general. Complete lack of clarity there. Great advice on creating a feeling and keeping the reader within your creative vision. I'm going for a kind of literary graphic novel vibe for stories with this guy, so I think if I have just flashes of description to set the scene it would go a long way.

Haha hmm, I understand your confusion about his identity. I felt I didn't need to be that obvious, I mean, the goon does tell him to turn that lizard head of his around, he has slit pupils (ah okay yes, i did mean "vertical" slits) and ridges where eyebrows would be, and I drew pictures of him. Also the Interview with The Kimono Dragon was meant to introduce his character, with an image as well.


You're right about the other characters being one dimensional and their conversations being filler. I'll definitely keep your comment in mind about how character's react to one another. I'll probably include some more anthromorphic characters in another story. I'm just gonna kind of mix it up. I like the idea of making the Iron palm tree clan monkeys, I'll think about it.

As for the Kimono Dragon, I've got his character down. It's honestly a bit complicated to explain, and I would want to get deeper into it more in following stories, but I'll try to explain what I'm trying to go for with him. He's kind of like the character's Steven Seagal plays in his movies(and in real life), he's objectively pretty weird and eccentric, often awkward (autistic) in his interactions with other people, imagines himself to be this cool, tough guy , martial artist ladies man. He lacks a certain level of self-awareness because he's so invested in his idealized version of himself that its almost admirable. How I want people to care abut him is that this admirable aspect of him is coupled with/a reaction to the fact that deep down he know's he's just a lizard. And to top it off he really does manage to get the girls and beat up people who fuck with him. It will take more than one story to get this across though.

Honestly you've provided me with so much great criticism, I'll be taking everything you've said on-board in general.

Is there a way I can get your details so I can send you a revised version down the line? Busy with work atm so will be later.

Thanks.

>>9878583
Cheers. Thanks for reading it

>>9878203
Yeah thanks, that's what I'm kinda going for. There's these cool publications who publish these kinds of "literary graphic stories", so I'm hoping to get on those at some point. Thanks for giving it a read.