tl;dr: I am tortured by my inability to do hundreds of things

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tl;dr: I am tortured by my inability to do hundreds of things at once. I am unspooked and see everything as an attack at myself.

I tried to go through the lunch break without drinking coffee and succeeded but still feel awful. I feel like I succeeded through inertia. I have no friends and my main hobby is sitting around, drinking coffee in public to feel less alone, and browsing 4chan on my phone. The coffee ruins my sleep and gym lifts. I feel cucked for wanting to stop drinking coffee.

In my free time after work I want to read multiple books, do STEM related things, and go outside to feel like my youth isn't being wasted. Even though I will have a wasted youth because of my ugliness, lack of social skills, and non-normieness.

I might read Guns, Germs and steel on my phone on the way to work or at various times but I feel like I'm pressured in to reading lots of stuff just to avoid being seen as a pleb. A book that can be summarised shouldn't have to be read. I hate feeling like I have to shove a book in my face every spare second or else I'm doing something wrong. I hate how hierarchies and taylorism have infected everything.

I hate how I have the constant pressure of feeling like I have to improve my career or else I'll never be able to do anything. Jobs are brain-dead and rely on progress through normie institutions while being judged by normies. I hate how I'm just in the middle of the system of life and I'll need to take advantage of other people's work. You could write a song but you never would have been able to create the instruments. You could make a video game but you would be using high level languages that build on others' work and using technology that others made. You're just doing work that could be done at the time.