Rate my book

>>9810356

I dunno, there's something about it that gives it like no energy or momentum at all. Like, I read a few sentences, read on, and on, and there's very little energy directing me forward. Much like paintings of lines of direction to bring the viewer's eyes to different parts of composition, the novel should have (more figurative) lines of direction that pressure the reader forward, because it's either easy and there's little resistance, or because it's hard and the resistance is interesting enough to overcome. There's no resistance in reading your work, but it's also lacking enough energy for the reader to even overcome that.

I won't copy and quote your work here, but for example, the fourth paragraph has a decent amount of dialogue and action (temperature, then window/owl, then talking, then "comical" confusion) for a paragraph, but it feels completely empty because there is no style whatsoever. It's workmanlike. Which is fine, but you'd better have some compelling and quick momentum then, like Hemingway tended to (not that you're Hemingway ofc).

>>9810638
I'm hoping to put more action into the next few chapters, as this was just an introductory chapter.

>>9810666
O fuk a wasted trips. Oh well.

>>9810666

That doesn't really come to terms with what I meant in that post. What I mean is that you don't need action like "Crash! Mom made pancakes", what you need is to stylistically make even mundane actions interesting, which right now you don't. They're kinda flat. A good writer with a sense of momentum can write a dictionary documenting the geographical distribution of Golden Retriever penis girths and leave the reader going "holy.... I want more..."

>>9810682
I'm working on another paragraph that could spice things up a bit with the first few paragraphs

File: DFuGZgQXkAQI86g.jpg (35KB, 625x472px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 625x472px

>>9810356
critique my short story and I'll critique this.

Straight out form the bat.
Idk about English but usually you can't really jump around tenses like you did in your very first sentence.

>>9810356
Here's a new link that will allow comments
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-nH5VMGwTP_B7_IEELpWgbgT-UCOM_WKuS37xzE1TZw/edit?usp=sharing

>>9812283
someone wants to get my email adress I see

>>9812287
hmm? No, I just thought it would be easier to give feedback this way.

>>9812283
My offer still stands.

>>9812436
What's the story?

>>9812578
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bq-fN2Zuhq7XguK3MnniD0IgYwAcG6s5lQ_yo5TGu8A/edit
here you go,

also ur a girl

>>9812624
ok lemme read this. I'm not the best judge, so don't be surprised if I can't come up with anything