Roast my first page

Have you reread this? Literally anyone should notice how awkward that first paragraph is

Not reading the rest because I'm lazy, but it's probably shit too.

>>9763163
This, I refuse to read on past the first paragraph. Not only is it clunky, pretentious, and littered with grammatical errors, it's an obnoxious example of how the most pretentious writers are the same ones who think, for instance, that their shitty pieces of "literature" deserve their own thread for critique, instead of posting it on the crit thread along with a critique of a couple other anons' works.

>>9763163
I feel like i have blinders on when i read it, because anywhere that doesn't flow well, my brain patches it with the image i'm trying to evoke.

That being said, your right, it's clearly clunky. I'll work on that

>>9763160
>A boy finds himself unable to sleep one night. His name was Daniel Young.
This has to be bait, right? You're already screwing up your tense in the first two sentences.

We're not your personal army of editors, anon. Put some work into editing, come back, and post this on a critique thread. No thread deserves to get bumped off the catalog because of this garbage.

>>9763186

>your

give up now

>>9763181
Stop misusing the word pretentious you dumb nigger. It isn't even close to being pretentious. OPs writing is terrible because it's juvenile. It's clunky, and is full of low-brow expressions and words.

>>9763193
It's pretentious because anon is pretending to be a good writer.

>>9763186
Generally you should try to read your work as close as you can before asking admittedly dickish people on the internet for feedback.

>>9763160
Try different sentence structures every once in a while, and enhance your vocabulary. From this writing I'm assuming you're around 16 and most of your other writing is fan fiction, so that's where your skills are.

It's funny, because no one in this thread has ever written anything better than this

You're switching between third and first person perspective too often.

File: 1415075286166.png (1MB, 761x608px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 761x608px

>>9763202

>>9763196
>>9763193
He's right though
>She was eight years old and as clingy as a shadow. ... She was ready to argue the only way an eight year old could; loudly.
This is someone trying to be more complex than they can manage.

>>9763197
I hear you. I'm mostly trying to get unbiased feedback from as many places as possible. I guess I rushed the first read through because i was excited to say it was done.

>>9763204
That happens a lot through out. Not always on purpose. I've personally didn't think it would be an issue, but i guess it is jarring when poured on top of all the other problems

>>9763196
Not pretending at all. Any first attempt at a craft is bound to be shit.

>>9763225
>I guess I rushed the first read through because i was excited to say it was done.

I know the feeling. Just keep working and you'll be fine.

>>9763211
Are these bad sentences in themselves, or are you unhappy that they are buried in bad writing. Honest question

>>9763240
They are poor sentences in themselves, exacerbated by being buried in poor writing.

First paragraph " from time to time ". Try using the word periodically..
pe·ri·od·i·cal·ly
ˌpirēˈädək(ə)lē/
adverb
from time to time; occasionally.
"I will periodically check on your progress"
at regularly occurring intervals.
--

I feel like there is a lack of efficiency in the writing and your making the reader work for the reward of just pushing the story along.