Post the opening line of your short story or novel and other

Holy shit that's awful. Please don't post again.

>Sophie winced as the porcelins cold bite assaulted the soft white flesh of her derriere, that small contradiction of flesh puckering despite her need for imminent colon relief.

>>9699567
Not bad

>>9699557

holy...I want more.

… “she’s running around us naked, in circles! Truth! I can’t lie about mother!” Cousin yelped.

>>9699557
Great desu. I like the pseudo-dilettantish repetition of "moment". Would continue reading, expecting a silly entertaining story.

>>9699686
>pseudo-dilettantish

>>9699557
A pink hue fell across the sky.

I haven't written a book or anything, so here are the first two sentences from the last entry in my diary desu.
>I hung out with the two 15 year old chicks all day today. It was fun, probably the most fun I've had in a while, which some might say is sad.

>Impatiently growing out of the plant's leaves in the foyer the tentacles splashed against

>>9699748
>I hung out with the two 15 year old chicks
Fine so far

>all day today.
ok

>It was fun,
Obviously…

>probably the most fun I've had in a while,
Sure as hell; they were 15 after all. Can you start describing their tits now already pls -

>which some might say is sad.
???
Dunno man, with that attitude just get a noose already maybe(?)

>>9699557
Really makes no sense to judge literature by its first lines,op. this thread is redundant

>>9699782
Every great book has great opening lines

"muh opening line" is the 2nd biggest meme with which they program you in your intro to composition class.
Only one bigger is "don't show tell"

I should probably delete the pictures I found of Sarah and Tara.

I woke up one morning in Paris, strangely aware of just exactly where I was.

What’s sadder than a guy still in his 20’s who already knows that he peaked in high school?

>>9699938
>strangely aware of just exactly where I was.

get rid of "just"

>>9699959
20 year olds trying to define peaking.

For women this might be true but you've got literally 20 more years to be a big dick swinging asshole.

>>9699782
This.

these threads should be organized around the principle of "/lit/ aphorisms," not "opening line to new novel"

"opening line" is a gimmick

>>9699963
I like that better, thank you

File: mfw.jpg (2KB, 97x96px) Image search: [Google]

2KB, 97x96px

>>9699557
>Ultimately, fear is what keeps me down.

>>9699779
I didn't sex them(even tho it would be legal for me where I live). I'm too autistic.

"Here's to the last time I smoke!" I cheered before burning to ash.

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies that are attached to one another and definitely not dismembered.

>>9699678
Curious.

>>9699959
Really funny one.

>>9700098
Really?

Mine is in french, here's the translation:
>Antoine Massimo never really had a stomach problem before, despite all the liquid food he absorbed.

>>9699557
Kind of weird, sounds amateur and vulgar. Your tone shifts too quickly from informal to surreal. It suggests you don't know how to pace.
>>9699642
holy shit that's fuckin hot yo 10/10 continue
>>9699678
I would suggest not starting with dialogue because it can be offputting to the reader
>>9699736
You're getting there, but be more descriptive. What sky? Where? Is it cloudy? Is it windy? Are there people around?
>>9699748
You started in medias res (in the middle of the narrative), so I would expect the story to be exciting, or at least interesting. Instead it's bland, unspecific, and not relatable. Who are the fifteen year old girls? Why not introduce them first, or why not explain how the protagonist became so depressed, instead of presenting it as a fact closed to interpretation
>>9699762
Starting the first sentence of the novel with a gerund clause is confusing. We dont find out what or who is committing the action until reaching the middle of the sentence

>>9699557
Jacob stared out the window of the Chinese restaurant, not paying attention to the chattering of his companion while thinking about his appearance to the outside.

Arthur Beskows Aufenthalt im Haus der Fröhlichkeit, wie es von den einen Mitarbeitern immer und den anderen Mitarbeitern, die mit (genervt/gerunzelt) hochgezogenen Augenbrauen unlesbar auf Clipboards schrieben, manchmal genannt wurde, hatte nicht mehr als fünf Monate gedauert.

The sound of quick footsteps on polished marble resounded through the filtered blue light of a dark hallway.

>>9700209
Most of your analysis is retarded

Cassius Cuttlefish Blowpop III peered out the 23rd story window of his favorite coffee shop, sipping his favorite item on the menu: a supersized whale-feces espresso mixed with 180 milligrams of powdered methylphenidate. "This shit really doesn't have the same kick it used to have," he thought, watching the local Sunnis march around a holographic projection of the Kaaba by the hundreds in the square below.

I want to get fucked again.

>>9700314
>"This shit really doesn't have the same kick it used to have,"

get rid of "really." "Really" is the adverbial kissing cousin of "like": a filler word. Handle with care.

and get rid of the second "have," or rework the sentence such that you aren't using "have" twice

>>9700252
yeah I'd keep reading

>>9700157
poste en français pour voir

Our twin sun sets, as sauntering barges through whispering reeds approach Styraxis. Music floats across the river with fires and comfort coloring the evening. Finally, the day has gone and now we begin.

>>9700349

This is perfect.
Reminds me of the opening of In the Hand of Dante

>>9700438
Antoine Massimo n'avait jamais vraiment eu de problèmes d'estomac, malgré l’effroyable quantité de nourriture liquide qu'il ingérait.

>>9700474
your sentence structures are too uniform - needs variation in length and syntax. the third sentence is weak

i would rearrange this
>as sauntering barges through whispering reeds approach Styraxis.

to this

> as sauntering barges approach Styraxis through whispering reeds

and when you've done that you can painlessly get rid of the comma after "sun sets"

but also "our twin sun sets" is a bit confusing - is it two suns? if so, why not pluralize to 'suns set'. then it has a nicer ring; 'suns set' is closer phonetically to 'sunset'

who is involved with "our"? starting on a possessive pronoun is a tad goofy and maybe out of place in a visual landscapey scene - an intrusion of the subjective on the objective

>>9699995
read more Hobbes

>I picked up the glass of water that was filled with water, I then sat down in the chair under the ceiling and looked at the ceiling, I thought about life and where things bad went wrong in my life. I have 12 days to live.

"The drums are beatin and womans are singing. As lights were woozing and fluttering in the surroundings of us, i felt great joy and connection at the lovely beings called my friends. they were there and yet were here too and everywhere. I sat down on the floor and breathed in oxygen in a manner that was meant to create feelings of relaxation and ease. "Shit" i mumbled while feeling anxious due to the drugs i had taken a couple of hours before this moment. Nobody was looking at me i think but people were walking past me. I felt really tiny that moment, those large legs, a pretty mad sight how these bipedaled guys and gals were juggling their asses through this place, all assured and confident in themself. Some of them were dancing too in front of the singing girls and it was pretty loud in total. Kind of helped me to get a grip and refocus on what really mattered. I got up from that floor and turned around. All of that fuzz i said and pointed at a group of elderly woman who chatted at some corner of the place. I walked towards them and sat down on the table that they were surrounding. "What are you doing" Oldmom Hennessey asked me with eer eyes using glasses to sharpen her vision as to capture my figure in totality. I shifted my legs a bit and responded:"Hell, i just saw this damn fine table in some corner of the room and more importantly you damn fine ladies surrounding it and having a nice convo and i felt like i wanted to e a part of that. As to not give implications of any personal bias i seeked the position on this table which would place me right in the center of your thing or whatever it is." the womans nodded understandingly and one got out a handkerchief and waved it at me as some people do when they say goodbye to their husbands on a train to iwo jima and i waved my hands as to play along and the woman who waved her handkerchief started crying and used said handkerchief to dry her tears and the ladies took care of her and patted her and consoled her and i was moving away in sai train still looking back through the glass, being unmoved as a soldier ought to be though my heart was mourning. I had grown up in a rural town and the crying old lady was my grandmother who had taken care of me after my parents had been killed in a police breakdown on anarchist some time before i hit my 11th birthday. She was all i had since i wasn't very good with the ladies and also ot with the gays and i was undetermined in regards to seeking friendship as i was a firm believer in individuality and autonomy and tried to reduce the amount of relationships, which are always also limitations and restrictions to the least amount of people possible. It was more due to lazyness that i wasn't experimenting with more numbers, maybe 2 or 3 relationships, as just one relationship worked out. But now i was soldier, sitting on this table and seeing the old ladies moving away in the distance and i figured that a new life was awaiting me" the girl with white hair said to m

>>9700249

Get rid of "the sound of." Active, yo.

<main character> has been wandering through the labyrinth of obscure village roads for too long at this point.

>>9700580
your stuff aint bad compadre

i scratch my head at you guys who post huge chunks of text though. this board is mostly scrubs but there are some formidable people; you never know who's reading these threads. you could find half a paragraph of your shit in someone else's book a year from now and there'd be no way to call them on it

>>9700606
thanks, that helps.

>It was at dawn that the inhabitants of Nola, a little village south here and the closest one to the first fire, saw themselves under a darkened yellow sky covered with a thick veil of acrid smoke that stole them of the sunlight for days.

>>9700644
"yeah well, it's no big deal" the man said with sunglasses and also a cigarette in his mouth
"I gush them out, left and right. It's peanuts. Here's how i do it: close my eyes and just type. If fellas wanna steal my stuff they can do it, i got new shit coming up tomorrow." he threw away a cigarette and lighted another one. He looked at an american desert where lizards but als osnakes and skoripions resided permanently. He lighted another cigarette. "But thanks for the compliment compadre" he said and smiled into the sunsets. His wife angered by his reluctance to smoke shouted at him:" Skmooke moree. Smoke more cigarettes. Smoke more" She shuffled cigarettes out of her breast pocket and threw them at him and he lot his smilings and turned towards his wife and said:"Stop telling me what to do. Stop doing that. I'm smoking more than enough cigarettes." But she was unwavering, she was like an UNMOVING MOUNTAIN. He took of his sunglasses and eyed her with implicit will to destroy. She ran towards him for 2 metres and hshoved with no respect or second thoughts 3 cigarettes right into his open mouth. "YOU EAT THEM FUCKER" she shouted. And he did so, being overwhelmed by just how brutal his wife could be, unscared and unflinching even in the face of male thirst for annihilation. He ate them good and then swalloed them and looked ashamed at the ground and mumbled: I won't put up with this much more. I won't do this, it doesn't do" he then said a bit more loudly with an air of resistance "I want to be treated with respect. I'm the man of the house. I'm the person with a penis here." but she just alughed and walked down a stair intoa cave where baskets with water where living and also a white pale computer programmer was sitting infront of an Alienware desktop pc and was playing Age of Empires HD and he was playing with the Incas who had ferocious melee warriors and some decent bureacratic organization but were low on intelligence levels and easily spooked. His strategy was to first colonize america, before the whites could do it, and then mass produce coastal defenses, making use of some tight gearing bonus provided by the drafted army policy of his nation and would just pop inca militias next on every coastal province waiting for those whiteys to arrive and to slaughter them. The wife didn't mind him for he was a what others may call a Freak. As a matter of fact he was just an infantile idiot but whatever, i think it's understandable that to people of older generations what for us just seems like a guy stuck in his teens or trying to relive his childhood years, is a deeply alien and frightening creature. Thus when i say she didn't mind him, it's more of an active process of ignoring, of keeping him out of her mind. This was only allowed to live here by the goodwill of her husband who had found the pale white boy in the corpses of several dead large scorpions. He reassembled him with his Toys R'Us Manly Man Toolset and gave him a haunted indian s

>>9700811
i tip my hat to you sir. eating the cigarettes was a little too cute but otherwise you can consider my grin shit-eating

keep doing what you're doing. i would pay 5 bucks to read the final draft, and that's saying something because i steal everything i can

The Shroud is beautiful this time of day, at sunset.

>>9700606
Quick footsteps on polished marble resounded through the filtered blue light of a dark hallway. The clack of shoes grew in volume as a figure pushed through with purpose, its silhouette marked by a wide-brimmed pointed hat and a long coat. Glowing vials of color jostled on the coat as they reached a vast set of iron doors. They seemed to stretch into the darkness above as two dim torches of crystal revealed a myriad of patterns and runes.

The figure extended a hand, and a similar pattern shimmered into the air before it. In response, the patterns of the door lit up. The colossal entryway swung open with eerie silence. Ahead was a great round chamber. A single ray of sunlight made a small circle in the center, while deeply tinted windows retained the same blue as the hallway before. There was a ring above the center, and figures could be seen stirring behind podiums wrapped in shadow. The one across from the door stood, and addressed the one entering with a dry, weathered voice, "Miss Estalise, step forward into the light."

My dad is sitting on the sofa watching football, wearing his old slippers and the jersey, and he says: My old woman is sitting in the kitchen singing like a sparrow.

>>9702305
Sparrows don't really sing. Is the lady making short chirping noises?

>>9702349
yeah that's the joke

>>9702352
Okay.

>>9699642
10/10

>>9699557 (OP)
>I was standing on the balcony of an old opera house, hollowed out to make room for angry music and angrier sex.

is this cringe?
>Sure, Ada and Naomi were beautiful women, but that didn't hide their ignorance.

>>9703223
no, but it's also not a hook

>>9703223
honestly it is

>On the floor there was a fork, and on the fork there was an eyeball

File: IMG_5116.gif (8KB, 77x38px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 77x38px

While he waited for the subway, imagining the woman, a flood came and devoured all of New York.

>>9703398
Alright, now that's a hook.

Still stand ich vor dem weißen Jüngling.


Not really exciting.

I have wandered this realm alone for well-nigh a decade, my tales and songs my sole companions joined to my side like an undying shadow. The road and its many stories has aptly served as my surrogate family--I have made for myself a home without borders among the sun-bathed stone and weathered signposts.

Barron Trump spun his cosmic fidget spinner opening a portal to the past, a smug flat smile- inherited from his father- marked his face for he knew: the cyber communists were fucking doomed.

Looking at the garden of 26 Vicarage Avenue you would think the plants within had been planted already dead.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned" he murmurs as a tear drips onto the masonry, echoing across the abbey.

>>9699557
It was a dark and stormy night.

>>9703734
I like this one, seems like it should have been ben shapiros book rather than thr crap bag he produced.

>>9700706
Did you just made "Nola" up or are you writing from Italy?

It lies down in the gloom and splashes around for a few minutes in the ooze that it can hardly see with its blind, lacteal eyes. Devoided of any time perception, it can wait for whole hours watching its lifted arm, then lay it down gently in the mud or let it fall and feel through its thick scaly flesh the feeble feeling of dense rotting splashes of mush wet its chest. It breathes deeply and squints its eyes, as it dredges with its claw the bottom of the pit, looking for food.

>>9706395
It's translated from Italian, have mercy

>caring about opening lines
genre

>>9706401
Post original Italian

It was more of a dark awakening rather than a marvel to observe this angry beast, smiting the once mighty structures of Tokyo’s skyline in a of fire. Those who were unable to avoid it were dead in the street, rotting corpses with melting skin, or crushed by the falling remains of what was once a building or the foot of the beast itself. The one thing that was crushed the most, however was hope. In its place, defeat and loss occupied the hearts of those who stood in the far off distance, watching the homes of families become ash and rubble within a matter of seconds, all for the purpose of satisfying the creature’s devious want for man’s demise. Surely these poor people would live the rest of their days seeing the beast’s shadow behind a curtain of roaring fire, haunting them. It was a feeling of violation like no other; you would be opened, laid out with nothing to do except to receive punishment from that which delights in what it knows you fear worst and relishes in it for the sake of sick self-gratification.

Today was the rape of Tokyo.

>>9708043
Si sdraia nel buio e sguazza per alcuni minuti nella melma che può a stento vedere con i suoi occhi ciechi e lattei. Privo di qualsiasi percezione del tempo, può restare per ore intere ad osservare il suo braccio sollevato, rigirarlo nell’aria fetida e pesante, poi adagiarlo lentamente nel fango o lasciarlo cadere e sentire attraverso la pelle spessa e squamosa la flebile sensazione di densi schizzi di poltiglia marcescente bagnargli il torace. Inspira profondamente e socchiude gli occhi, mentre con la chela draga il fondo della pozza in cerca di cibo. Il cibo gli piace ancora vivo, mentre intorno gli si chiudono le sue fauci e sente i vani ultimi movimenti di ratti, pesci o rane che si agitano e sbattono contro la dentatura robusta. Prova una soddisfazione immensa nel sapere che quelle creature ora poggiano sulla sua lingua spugnosa, respirano il suo fiato che sa di marcio.

"With unprecedented ease the man slipped into the dark room, there rested upon the mahogany desk, which resided in the far end of the room, was a small candle."

I havent slept in 12 years and I feel great!

>>9699832

This is a good opening line. I like it.

>>9699832
Not really.

>>9699841
The third is muh worldbuilding; forth, dimensions of the character; fifth, character development for character development's sake; sixth, wrong interpretation of historical facts. And the list goes on and on...

>>9699938
Honestly, would read desu.

>>9705118

Only acceptable if the story is set at a bar serving ginger beer and rum specials.

>>9699841
I thought it was "show, don't tell".

>>9699662
golden retriever

>>9699557
Stately, plump Jack Slanders came from the basement, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a blade lay crossed.

>tfw your novel opens with the mc waking up

>>9710937
not worth a farthing

File: IMG_4696.jpg (161KB, 960x960px) Image search: [Google]

161KB, 960x960px

Why pussy fiened dreamed he blew a slew of hot wet steam supreme the woman of his dreams who bore the whore semblance of mothers rememberance was to cope with the wrecked rope his mother smothered her chocked neck with like she did his dick when he was just ten years old and still nobody knows and he often forgets to forget sufferings wet dreams so this morning he awakes from the pit of life's secret mistakes.

>>9699557
Carl knew that setting himself on fire was his only option; he wasn’t getting out of that traffic after all.

>>9710949
is that a rap about child abuse

>>9710622
i like this attitude. way less boring than "i haven't slept in 12 years and i'm having an existential crisis"

>>9710616
this is an unintelligible mess. cherry on top of the poop sunday is "was a small candle" - where? what? who?

>>9705112
"across the abbey" doesn't work, your default mental image of an abbey is a huge complex like a school or a hospital or a walled town, it doesn't make sense for a tear drop to echo across it.

would probably be better if "forgive me father..." just existed on its own without any antecedent description

>>9710968
That's the form it takes but it's really about the way in which unspeakable truths manifest themselves, unspeakable truths in general, the very essence of secrets too excruciatingly unnerving to utter yet too unbearably sublime to forget.

>>9711012
it wasn't a criticism per se. i enjoyed reading it.

i think you have a good ear and maybe good ideas too, but your discipline's a little shaky. if all of your sentences are this long and baroque i would get tired of reading your stuff pretty fast, ya feel me?

>>9711041
Lol thanks dad
srsly off the cuff naw mean

>>9711053
carry on then my friend

File: 004.jpg (18KB, 530x303px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 530x303px

>Young David entered the room, plumped himself upon a leather coach and pressed up against the laughing heaps, echoing their rapture in his own contribution of a deep and roaring chuckle, though he was not aware of the humour of the conversation.

File: IMG_4780.png (280KB, 543x415px) Image search: [Google]

280KB, 543x415px

>>9711112

It was all a dream, but what followed was a nightmare.

>>9711128
*couch

Can't believe I've already fucked up. I'm doomed lads.

When <main character> was wandering what the fuck happend, nurse Sylvia came into his cell and injected bromisovalum into his vain. The she uncuff him and lay him on the bright white bed. The sun was slowly setting down and whole Austin Asylum turn their white outside walls into golden.

every single eyeball was directed toward me. I felt streams of sweat runnin down my back. I t has to be some fucking nightmare. I pinched myself but it didnt happend. I didnt pinch myslef. Why i cant do that? Cuffs? Why the hell there are cuffs on my wrists?!
While <main character> questions himself Sylvia was wandering what exactly happend, to <main character>, he was lecturing for full auditorium about his favourite subject, even can say it was practicly his hobby. But in the middle of explanation why does serial killers could have abnormal DNA he went as white as a sheet, like all the blood he has in his head evaporates. He sat down like he lost power in his legs. He was sitting like this for 10 minutes.
Why she did that? Who is she even is? Ive never seen her before... This girl in the last row in aditorium. Why the fuck she slit her wrists, like that, without any sound, now even sigh. But the worst is why she was directly in my eyes, i thought she was flirting...
When <main character> was wandering what the fuck happend, nurse Sylvia came into his cell and injected bromisovalum into his vain. The she uncuff him and lay him on the bright white bed. The sun was slowly setting down and whole Austin Asylum turn their white outside walls into golden.

>>9711155
>vain
>uncuff not uncuffed
>repetition of white
>two of the three sentences starts with the
>your main character is called <main character> (did you think that was a funny postmodernist joke, huh?)
>bromisovalum (yeah, i read wikipedia, pretty intelligent hey)
>golden not gold

Otherwise very good anon!

>>9711163
theres more

>>9711189
I'm not going to read it

>>9711210
like anyone care

>>9711223
just inject bromisovalum into my vain lad

>>9701997
could use some advice on this one if anyone is willing?

>>9711430
I like it as is desu anon

The man, known as Gene (pronounced the same as ‘John’) walked through the middle of the sidewalk, making sure he walked in between the massive crowd that walked with him.

File: 1491190579628.jpg (2MB, 1908x3532px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1908x3532px

>We've both been rejected by the world. We both feel the same threat. And yet... here we are, fated to kill each other in the end

>>9699557

The Queen had called for all of her sons to return home. The soldiers marched for three days and saw that their kingdom had been pillaged and taken by Al-Assam's Khalifa.

>>9711439
You don't pronounce Gene the same as John though you retard

>>9699557
>Gregor Samsa awoke one day to find he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.

>Amani watched the middle-aged man look over several pieces of parchment on his desk.

>>9711458
oh honey

>>9711442
>>>/reddit/

>>9699932
>>9700578
>>9703398
I like it

>>9711550
Shut up

>It was overcoat weather: dark clouds blanketed the sky and a sharp, rainy wind cut through coats and pushed trash along the street.

>>9700578
If it's already a glass of water....how are you putting water into it?

Ducking under the first swipe, he rolled forward and came up behind the hulking lizardman. He cut several gashes across the Zelen’s back, though it barely seemed to register. The thing’s size hid great speed. It spun around, throwing the blade at Bren with great force. So powerful was the toss that the weapon became embedded in the wall behind him.

He had no chance to marvel at such feats though, for it pounced as soon as the sword missed. Dodging the first few strikes, he reeled back as the beast’s foot connected with his chest. Before he even hit the ground, his eye caught the flash of a blade bearing down on him.

The attack never found its mark however, as Katarin jumped from the roof of the building next to them, landing on his assailant’s back. Her blade glinted in the sunlight for a brief moment before she buried it in the creature’s back. It howled and grabbed her, flinging her to the ground next to him. She landed with a thud and gasped for air.

File: IMG_8538.jpg (13KB, 250x174px) Image search: [Google]

13KB, 250x174px

>>9702352
>yeah that's the joke

File: IMG_4786.jpg (86KB, 493x493px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 493x493px

Snap another picture. Smile to the world that you think is watching. Your smile mocks you. I know exactly what you avoid to show is haunting you. I know the exact laughter that roars when you think no one is watching you. I know because it is I who laughs. Laughing at you as you display. Laughing at you as you hide what tears you deep inside. Laughing as you try so hard, fail so utterly, and smile so pathetically. I know exactly what pain you've trained yourself to ignore. I know the very words that without which you grasp in the dark what unknown you've yet to explore. I know the very words that would alleviate your pain. I know your smile says the pain you have you deserve you knave. Your smile mocks you, slave.

Shrouded was the sun and bitter the air.

>>9711482
pretentious

>>9699557

Even among toilets, on whom the greatest depredations of modern living are forced, Dan McCarthy's had it rough.

>>9699782

I agree that the whole book couldn't be judged from an opening line, but that doesn't mean that there aren't good and bad opening lines. The thread isn't about rating the (potential) books, it's about rating the sentences.

>>9712237
Like it

>>9711007
Where? In a dark room.
Who? The 'man'.
What? The 'man' slipped into the room.

Despite the admittedly bad use of "was a small candle". I fail to see as to how this could be considered 'unintelligible'.

Now, could you offer any tips? So that I may improve my writing.

>>9699557
I'm going to kill an idea one day.

Two soccer moms will be sipping their $5 coffees and chatting about little Billy's tendency to...whatchacallit, Denise? It's on the tip of my tongue but I just can't put a name to it...They'll ask their husbands but they can't think of it, either. Word will spread, but no one will find the idea. I'll be the only one with the answers. They'll flail and argue and philosophize about the idea that they can't find but I'll sit quietly with it. It will be mine. It will be dead.

>>9712273
Shit

>>9712305
Sorry bro, I tried.

>>9699557
>translated
The question to give your name is easily fulfilled, to be asked again in a matter of seconds raises suspicions: What is going on?
After a sixth time in a matter of minutes, without the fitting "That's not it" or "Your ID says otherwise", your stop answering in the normal fashion.

She came through the corridor, from the back of the old, rain beaten, vomit-colored gazebo, where the nut-cracking windows open to gardens and seed-green forests, her left hand profusely bleeding on the old Persian carpet, on which Darko "Brainz" Bonnet once spilled his hundred-buck-coke.

>>9712260
>Now, could you offer any tips? So that I may improve my writing.
OK. I was a little harsh but I was making a technical point with the word 'unintelligible', and 'mess' is a fair overall description. I will qualify that in a second

>>9710616
>which resided in the far end of the room,

we say resided *on* the far end, not *in*. this is a minor error that doesn't impede comprehension but you can't be making these mistakes unless you plan on having an editor wipe your ass, like i'm doing right now

>was a small candle
this is grammatically unintelligible because it does not link up with correctly with the preceding clause that's it's supposed to follow. If you put the clauses next to each other it's obvious:

"there rested upon the mahogany desk was a small candle"

to fix it, get rid of "was"

now the reason that the overall sentence is a mess is because, aside from the problems i've already described, it's actually two sentences.

"With unprecedented ease the man slipped into the dark room" functionally has nothing to do with anything that comes afterwards. Put a period at the end of 'room' and start a new sentence, which will be comprehensible because of the changes I mentioned already [albeit stylistically odd - methinks you have more reading to do]. Mushing all of these clauses together into one sentence is shabby use of commas and bad form.

capiche?

>>9712643
Thank you, I appreciate it.

>I'm going to kill myself soon so I'm pumping out this novel in hopes my family can get the riches from it

I found myself at a quandary. I was stuck, unable to leave my home, whilst having no place to go if I managed to leave

>>9712739
continue

And a little willy wagtail hopped all merry-like up over the white yard stakes all stuck square, bit into the edge of turf and standing proud with bows of pinkest calico whipped about their heads by the breeze.

>>9712806
That's two (2) sentences! You're first sentence is quite good, but I refuse to critique any further writing.

>>9714099
*Your

> woo

>>9714099
Sorry for overstepping my mark. Thank you for the positive feedback.

An arrogant man - doesn't know what he doesn't know - such a shame.

>>9699557
Too simplistic but would read the next sentence.
>>9699567
Pretty decent.
>>9699642
Too try hard. Though would give the next sentence a chance because I like the name.
>>9699662
Nah.
>>9699678
>>9699736
Nah. Too try hard at getting attention.
>>9699748
Cringe.
>>9699762
Horrible. Doesn't flow at all.
>>9699782
Good stuff.
And yes it does. If the author can't even write a decent opening, he/she doesn't deserve my time.
>>9699841
For a reason.
>>9699938
Painfully mediocre.
>>9699959
Self pity is disgusting and needs much more humour to work.
>>9699995
The diary of a 14 year old girl? Fine. If not, God no.
>>9700098
Well, I do like the surprise but don't like the sentence. It's complicated. You pass.
>>9700157
Too vague.
>>9700225
Nothing fucking happens and you don't give a reason to give a shit, nor worded it pretty enough to keep the attention.
>>9700233
Too try hard but can work. Hört sich abgeschrieben an.
>>9700249
YA tier.
>>9700314
Naw. Reads like attempt at parody.
>>9700349
Simple and functional.
>>9700474
What kind of music? Otherwise alright. Also what another anon said.
>>9700578
Pretty good.
>>9700580
Alright.
>>9700617
Too vague but if the second sentence fixes it, alright.
>>9700706
Alright for a children's book. Otherwise too clumsy and overloaded.
>>9701117
Weird ass comma.
>>9702305
Meh but with potential.
>>9702418
Eh, why not.
>>9703223
125%
>>9703398
Cheap but works.
>>9703407
Slow the fuck down.
>>9703421
10/10
>>9703431
Not at all but functional.
>>9703693
Either delete one "my" or add one before songs. Also bit boring.

>>9703734
Would read on for sure. Trump is such a cheap trick to get attention though.
>>9703780
Interesting.
>>9705112
Sure.
>>9705118
As long you subvert it with the next one, sure.
>>9706395
Maybe it works better in Italian but stunningly boring in English.
>>9708081
Sleep inducing.
>>9710616
YA tier.
>>9710622
Meh.
>>9710937
/lit/ told you to read Joyce, not copy him.
>>9710944
Might as well burn it.
>>9710949
I don't even.
>>9710954
Kek. Decent.
>>9711128
Boring.
>>9711133
Cheesy but functional.
>>9711155
The action is interesting, the wording not so much.
>>9711157
Overly dramatic.
>>9711439
Decent.
>>9711442
YA tier.
>>9711445
Hm, why the fuck not.
>>9711502
It either lacks something or is too much. Not quite sure.
>>9711657
No.
>>9711792
No. A fight needs SOME stakes for the reader to give a shit about before it happens.
>>9711854
>I know because it is I who laughs.
Lost me here but decent first sentence
>>9711877
Boring.
>>9712237
Not feeling it.
>>9712273
Too try hard.
>>9712387
Reads weird but I bet the original is pretty decent.
>>9712459
Too much.
>>9712739
Kek. That's how to do self pity right.
>>9712806
Ruined it with the second sentence.
>>9713651
Nah.
>>9714271
Too simplistic.

>>9714326
>Might as well burn it.
I know what I'm doing.

File: sad-pepe-640x480.jpg (29KB, 640x480px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 640x480px

>>9714326
>too simplistic

>>9699557
>>The moment my ass hit that chair, I questioned whether the moment I was living in was real or not
Naw man, you got a fake moment, try the next one instead.

Rushing and winding around the station, the train came to a halt at a Barksbury Lane.

>>9714326
>No. A fight needs SOME stakes for the reader to give a shit about before it happens.

I suppose I should have posted the rest of the chapter then, because there is a big build up to that part.

Basically, a pair of rangers come across a town being ravaged. The villagers are being rounded up. The heroes are outnumbered and sneak around the village, picking off the attackers. That particular part is the climax where one of the ranger is discovered.

>>9714381
Well, it's all about the first sentence. The writing critique thread is somewhere else. So yeah, should've beginn with the beginning.

>>9714383
Derp. Well, I am a jackass. Sorry about that. Carry on.

>>9714326
>Decent.

This is the greatest compliment I've ever received in my entire life. Thanks.

File: 1465951677347.jpg (29KB, 375x523px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 375x523px

>>9700209
got me good

>When the light fell upon the glasses, mockingbirds flew close the subway’s lines.

>>9714282
YA sells. Target demographic I'm going for anyhow.