If Anyone is Willing to, Will you Critique my Work?

I should specify, I'm mostly looking to get advice on story, characters, whether there are any plot holes or inconsistencies, ect. Any grammar issues or writing errors I can fix later.

>>9648486
>He knew it was dangerous,
>He wasn't too worried though,
>Even though it was late,
>Every once in awhile,
>Even with all this,
>Just that day,

This is the writing of the average person in a highschool English class. I have no idea why you think that you're above technical writing advice when you write worse than the average tumblr girl in a creative writing class. Your writing is so full of Colloquial and cliched expressions that I mentally cannot make it past the first couple paragraphs. Burn this and learn how to write properly, please. Nobody is going to want to read this. I don't care about an unoriginal and uninspired story when the writing makes me want to vomit.

>>9648545

This is the type of advice I needed. What direction would you point me in to improve my writing.

>>9648597
Honestly, just read. If you have any future at all in writing you should be able to intuitively pick up most aspects of writing from reading. When I read your first few paragraphs, I honestly felt like I was reading the writing of someone who has never read beyond harry potter and the like. It's juvenile, and no matter how good your story and characters are, nobody is going to care if every sentence makes them want to vomit.

I don't read writing guide books myself, but I've heard good things about Elements of style and Stephen King's On Writing (Yes, he is a hack, but he does have some great knowledge of the craft. Just take a lot of the things he says with a grain of salt). You really just need to read and see how great authors write. Writing practice will not get you very far when you have limited knowledge to pull from.

>>9648597
Not that anon, but mate, your style is so utterly generic that any reading would do you good.

That said, i recommend to you Exercises in Style. It's 99 retellings of the same short story in different styles, and it would help you immediately find out how prose and specific writing styles can change the tone of the work.

Hope this can help.

>>9648613

Thanks for the advice, it really helps. I've been focusing too much on story and characters I've neglected to pay attention to the technical side of things. Again, thanks for the advice.

>>9648597
read, and read stuff about improving writing. you are making a lot of rookie mistakes that could be fixed from reading a short book on prose improvement.

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Pretty good senpai
Nice descriptions, your dialogue is fast paced too. Nice pacing especially, pretty good, wouldn't mind reading more.

>>9648545
>Every once in awhile
i'd separate "a" and "while" but otherwise that one isn't too bad

>>9649323
Awhile is fine, depending on what style you're going for. Starting a sentence with that phrase is bad though. Especially when taking all the other stock phrase passive sentence starters into consideration.

Dose anyone have that chart on good books about writing?