crit thread

>>9593531
Why are you doing this to us?
What have we ever done to you?

What are some good places to go to for getting critique? I tried facebook, but most groups I found there were closed to outsiders.

>>9594085
Why don't you copy the actual text into the thread that clearly advertises it's supposed to give critique?
>>9572406

Feel free to read the thread before you post so you get a feel for it.

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>>9593531
Lol i enjoyed it

>>9593531
Literally my friend who smoke Parliaments.
The "my tight little asshole" was out of character. Was that the narrator projecting over his voice? If you meant it from the character, I'd change it to a little less striking if a statement. Not much, but more in tuned to his character.

>>9593531
Okay, I'm a small time editor, but here's what I found.
>He bough them on his 18th birthday
Never reference 18th birthdays unless it's a children story, 18th birthdays remind people of their failing as a human being.
>extremely sexually charged description of intercourse
Intercourse is a clumsy term for the eyes to read, feather rufflin' is better. However great use in saying a "sexual charged description of intercourse" so that your reader doesn't assume the descriptions of sex are unsexual.
>he firmly believes that, [because he smoked Marlboro red], it gave him the permission to act like a cunt to anyone who smoked any other brand.
This is true, I'm not sure why the narrative voice implies Geeny is in the wrong here.
>lecturing some bright eyed 18 year old girl
I believe you meant to say "bright 18 eyed year old girl".
>smoke deeply penetrates my tight little asshole
Most literate people are conservative, so please don't make the text too gay.