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Anonymous
Help me improve this poem I wrote 2017-05-16 07:34:54 Post No. 9513546
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Help me improve this poem I wrote 2017-05-16 07:34:54 Post No. 9513546
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File: alex_colville_1967_pacific.jpg (70KB, 599x600px) Image search:
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70KB, 599x600px
You look up to society
Which glares down with the moral pretension
Of those who see virtue a matter of prevention
Who affirm in humble utterance
Or is it uttered humility
with unwarrented arrogance
their material success and earthly achievement
to hide complicity, duress, aching resentment
And you look at your soul
to see a carnival of carnal desires
and a penchant for cruelty
a love of that which sin inspires
So you search your heart
For a truth that's not abhorrent
But find only unforgiving ocean currents
A vessel tossed mercilessly by its torrents
You, vassal of your own designs
Your every success a bitter compromise
Between your ambitions and yourself
...
Any advice on how to end it?
>>
Doggerel desu.
Bin it.
>>
File: 1494920410905.png (168KB, 409x382px) Image search:
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168KB, 409x382px
COMPLETE SHIT
>>
>Any advice on how to end it?
I suggest hanging yourself or using a shotgun
>>
Wew, didn't mean to fire up the bully train.
It's really not good, though, OP. The rhythm is wonky where it isn't mechanical, which gives the whole thing a stuttering feel. The wordplay is obvious and uninteresting-- so are the image-object transformations--and you're leaning way too heavily on modifiers. They look and feel like padding.
>>
I like "Or is it uttered humility" and "to hid complicity, duress"
The rest is honestly un-salvageable. There's a couple of terrible half-rhymes in there which you have to get rid of right this second, then maybe shorten it?
I feel like second person is generally pretty weak in poetry, so maybe scrap that idea too.
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>>9513546
holy shit woke
>>
I liked it personally, definitely has some work needed on meter but don't bin it. Most poets spend years refining poems so just chisel your art form jabroni
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That artwork sucks.
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>>9513546
>Any advice on how to end it?
Before the first line
>>
STOP REPLYING TO THIS THREAD
STOP REPLYING TO THIS THREAD
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
Don't shit up the catalogue with your shit, shit. Go to critique thread, you shit. Fuckin shit bitch.
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
>>9495527
POST IN CRITIQUE THREAD
>>
>>9513605
Fair enough. I was hoping for better reception for the wordplay but you're completely right.
The imagery is really all over the place. I'm going to try to get one solid picture for the entire poem. and hopefully that will make it a bit better.
Thanks for taking the time to actually give advice and write a critique. I appreciate it, and posters like you are what makes this board great.
>>9513842
Terrible half rhymes? You mean the abhorrent current torrent or what?
>>9515035
Thanks buddy
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