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>it's lamp

stopped reading right there, fuck off

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>>9474880
Didn't see that, thanks

starting with this vague "they" over and over and introducing characters by name without us knowing who the fuck they are is a really shitty way to open stories that i always see with beginning writers. this kind of shit isn't compelling it's just obnoxious and a waste of words

>>9474905
I'm aware of this problem, haven't edited out some of the kinks. See >>9474880
Looking for a resolution/conclusion but if you cant make it through the story I don't blame you.

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>>9474905
fixed

You have no sense of style, and your shit is all stuffy. It just feels too much like i'm reading someone who is trying.
>Had he dreamt the whole experience?
I couldn't force myself to put a line like this even in a note of rough draft.
There are so many little problems everywhere. Writing by numbers. You use stock phrases without brushing off the dust.

Read more. Find other ways to express things.
>into the blackness
and then
>into the blackness
>his long grey hair floating in the water

I just feel sick reading shit like this.

>>9474873
"So had been": stilted. "It had been".
"it's" -> "its"
"he couldn't fish": expressed in this way, it sounds like sport fishing. I assume you mean fishing as a profession, on the sea.
"shimmered with scales": what, they never cleaned their arms?
"We'll make it out of this eventually, but for now there's no other way": doesn't sound conversational. After usually not talking, they speak long utterances like this?
"Gulls, eagles and crows": Sounds like they all came in at once in a pack. Implausible. You could have them coming in one at a time over a longer period of the narrative.

>>9474876
The narrative seems to be going at a certain pace about a particular incident involving bad weather. However, then it sort of stops dead (yes yes) and then nothing happens for a month. In a word, the pacing is ragged.
Do they leave him for a month and then bury him? That's what it reads like.
There is some good stuff here, though, like the last paragraph.

>>9475031
>"he couldn't fish": expressed in this way, it sounds like sport fishing. I assume you mean fishing as a profession, on the sea.

to me it just seems like a ham handed reference to the "teach a man to fish" crap, like trying to say after he got sick he couldn't support himself anymore...come on bro too cliche

>>9474873
I'm having difficulty understanding why I should care about either of these guys or their experiences. You haven't said anything interesting. It's not bad per se, but it is boring.