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The one who no one called prince
He took another step as he was continuing to feel extremely cold, walked across the room and stood in the corner with his head slightly turned facing the window. It was raining outside, so that could be his excuse for spending another night like this. He used to feel let down when he saw the rain but now the rain brought a sense of relief to him. As if he could falsely justify his behavior to himself when it was raining. He thought about going out and talking a walk besides the river but he decided not to since he had a cold. he then walked away from the corner and went out of his room into the kitchen. Opened the fridge and looked inside for a while, he then finally took out a jar of olives. He then proceeded to open the jar and throw every single one of the olives in the trash. He used to love them when he was a kid. His uncle would play a game with to see who could spit the olive seed the furthest. He always lost so now he couldn’t stand them anymore. He couldn’t remember how the jar even got in his fridge since he would never buy olives anyway. He stared then at the empty jar and filled it with his tears. Meaningless tears but at least he was feeling a little sorry for himself. A little empathy for a change. “Why didn’t I never pick up the contrabass?” he asked himself gingerly. I don’t know but prince Bumbok was a man of her word and would do anything that she ever wished for. Even, if it meant buying olives.
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>>9472123
>Was expecting another stale description of anon's daily life
It's actually pretty good
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>>9472149
really? wow
anything about the grammar, sentences etc?
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>>9472174
not him, but poor style amd sentence structure
too much "he" and "he then"
read more books, write daily
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>>9472123
horrible grammar mate
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>>9472195
could you maybe pick out a sentence and write it better? English is not my first language.
Btw "Why didn't I never pick up the contrabass" is wrong on purpose...
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>>9472174
>>9472190
Yes, I do not care for the style and grammar. The writing is fairly bland; if the piece was longer I would have dropped it.
However, the content itself is most interesting. I assumed that you weren't really a regular on this board and have just come to post this so I didn't want criticize your manner of writing.
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i didn't like it
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>>9472222
please do that's why I'm posting this here. I have a creative writing task and I thought this would be a good practice and I could get some honest feedback here. shit on it all you want
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>>9472242
i made a lot of silly mistakes..
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>>9472246
Read more, write more.
That's the best advice you can probably receive. Also, if English is not your first language then that has no doubt factored into your writing.
Aim to make your sentence structure seem less mechanical. Think of new and more effective ways of introducing the next sentence, rather than just stating it outright.
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>>9472295
i was thinking about kafka's "A Country Doctor" but thank you. I will improve
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>>9472123
>he was continuing to feel extremely cold
Avoid using an adverb (extremely) when you can just use a stronger, more precise verb. He was continuing to freeze, or feel frozen.
For the whole of the first sentence, do I need to do know that he is walking? You are describing what you see in your mind, but this adds nothing to the scene that I actually need to know, unless he's pacing so you can show his mood.
"He continued to freeze as he stood in the corner, looking out the window." This eliminates a lot of waste. If he's looking out of a window, the reader will automatically assume he's in a room. You don't need to mention it.
The third sentence is too long, break it with a comma before the 'but'. You could consider removing the 'but' entirely and using a semi colon.
>he had a cold. he then
Capital H for he.
>His uncle would play a game with to see
Play a game with who? The sentence is incomplete. You don't even need to say 'with him', the reader would automatically assume he played with the speaker.
>prince Bumbok was a man of her word and would do anything that she ever wished for
You have female pronouns in this sentence, but as the reader I have no idea who she or her is. A man of her word? It's contradictory.
You should proof read your work before you post it here. Also I recommend you read The Elements of Style, most of what you're needing to improve is in there.
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>>9472319
i appreciate you taking the time. thanks man
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