Thread replies: 6
Thread images: 1
Thread images: 1
File: Right Hand of the God Emperor.jpg (6KB, 279x181px) Image search:
[Google]
6KB, 279x181px
Hey /lit/, I wrote this satire for my English class a few weeks ago. I want to see if I deserved my 100%.
The Ride Home
Consumer-11673B, or 73B - his nickname, had just finished his work day at Hospital-07C, and had just eaten dinner at the local fast food restaurant with one of his coworkers. Being a technician for the machines that performed surgeries there was taxing work, so he concluded that he did not have the energy to rent a vehicle and drive back to his home. He also realized that there was the added fact that he did not have the necessary credits to do so, as the Council for Tax Affairs had imposed a tax to support travel agencies earlier that month of March.
The technician talked with his colleague for some time about the future of their jobs at 07C. They were worried, as there seemed to be a growing trend in other professions in the years leading up to 2077.
“First it was the doctors and surgeons getting replaced, so who’s to say that it won’t be us next, 73B?”
“Hopefully, it’s not the corporate higher-ups and their government friends that say so. Anyways, I’ll be seeing you, 98D - I’m getting pretty tired.” He said this quietly, in fear of having others hear him.
Since it was a rainy day and night was falling rapidly, 73B decided that it would be an excellent use of what funds he had to witness what the fruits of his contributions to the Nation had done for the aforementioned agencies. The nearest levibus station had a fair rate at 200 credits per trip, so 73B settled that he would wait there until the next one came.
After a certain amount of time had passed (73B checked his iPhone 68S to check the time; 43 minutes passed since he started waiting there), a “SafeTravels” brand levibus appeared to pick 73B up for his journey home. He deposited his credits into the automated register and sat in a designated seat with a smile on his face, as he was happy so far with the extremely fast service. Every other seat was taken, so he was even more delighted to have been this lucky.
>>
The driver of the levibus explained to the passengers that he needed to take care of something, and left. The passengers waited for about 15 minutes when the driver finally arrived to the levibus, but with another person, a travel officer. The driver spoke, “Everyone, my coworker here has an important shift to fill at the Station, so someone needs to leave. A lucky volunteer will receive a generous compensation of 200 credits for doing so!”
No one raised their hand. Then, the travel officer said, with a friendly smile on his face, “No one? Alright then, looks like it’s time for the Randomizer!” He held his iPhone in his hand and selected the special app reserved for the members of the travel agencies, for situations like this. He showed the screen to everyone in the automobile as it scanned all in the officer’s vicinity. It then selected a person almost as an old casino machine would.
“Consumer-11673B?”
73B stood up from his seat with a confused look on his face.
With a cheerful smile on his face, the officer explained, “Sir, I am going to need you to exit the vehicle immediately.”
Shocked and bewildered by what had been decided, 73B made his way to the entrance of the levibus. As he stepped off, the officer kicked him, resulting in 73B landing flat on his face. He skidded for some time on the wet pavement and let out a small groan. He then looked at the officer from the ground, only to be greeted with a sympathetic frown from the man in the levibus.
“Sir, I offer you my deepest apology for this inconvenience. Here is a compensatory sum for this unfortunate turn of events.”
The officer threw the credits at 73B while he lay bloodied, bruised, and baffled on the ground. He picked up the sum of money and counted it.
199 credits.
73B sighed and looked towards the levibus as it sped away, and read the motto on the back of it:
DRIVE THE FRIENDLY ROADS
>>
Boring.
>>
Honestly bad. Save this draft, though-- it'll be important for comparison purposes in the future.
My guess is that you've recently read _1984_, _451_, and/or _Brave New World_. All of these are relatively short compared to the most recognizable works of other genres.
Your world-building needs to be dressed with imagery. As the writer, the names of the symbols ("levibus," "credit", alphanum given names) are the most important signals to understand the environment. However, in human thought, even the most language-capable of us are more interested in the observational and emotional effects of these symbols.
For that matter, even the names of the symbols reveal a distracting adherence to genre and subculture.
>>
>>9467466
Your description of 73B's ejection from the bus disappoints on your suggestion that he has enough inquisition or emotional range to do anything more demanding than eating shit and shrugging it off.
Pick up a dystopian story from a litmag and scan through it. You'll find that, compared to your story, it has a lower density of introduction of symbols, and a higher density of imagery and sentiment.
>>
Kek, nice retelling of the united airlines incident
Thread posts: 6
Thread images: 1
Thread images: 1