POO-ETRY critique thread

continued...

I noticed a shadow in the projected frame.
I stood holding her eyelids open
like the Venetian man, standing
between the order of her mind the chaos without.
Offering myself like a coin to Charon,
I’d suddenly been struck by a strange experience;
to smell your own saliva on a lover.
I thought if she wants to fuck me, how perfect
can she be? She read the relief on my face,
I cast myself into her, wishing well.

I swear she could smell the fear exuded
from my nervous pours, working up a sweat
feigning laughter while we splash about
in the aqua vitae. As I talked the talk,
she grabbed my hand with hers and
she showed me how to walk.

After that I wondered
if I was consuming her
or she consuming me,
and whether or not I should care.
I’ll wake up, and she’ll be gone.
The cursed liver regenerates, I’ll forget
all that I’d seen and felt,
and probably for the better. So I dropped the act
and got off my knees, I begged her to take me
all the way, to tell me how to be free.
Parting her brittle glass lips, stained with my blood
she whispered, “You couldn’t handle me.”
The world had made her hard and pellucid as ice
but she would have told me my tongue felt cold
on her bottleneck as we rushed to spill
our hearts.

An ambulance cries
outside the window
as she groans
with the baseboard heater,
we melt together
and the wooden keel tightens in
our pitching urgent sea. The bed
frame was giving its death rattle,
a man was dying
at incredible speed, knock on wood.

On dead calm open water
a tragic chorus
ever rises from the deep, sweet
breath boiling to my ears
in countless clear crystal spheres,
a siren song
composed
of notes blown round in glass bottles,
never to be read.
Didn’t think
I was quite drunk
enough to drop off,
but whether I fell or jumped, I was baptized
plumb blue in the sea
of formless shadows on my sleepless ceiling.
Holding my breath
I try to touch the bottom, diving
ever lower, down the hall of mirrors...
I would die
before I got to the bottom of it.

I woke
from the dream.
This one, where she kills me. That was all
the context I needed, a life is defined by a death.
Rubbing sleep out of my eyes
I’ll vaguely remember
the easy flick of her wrist
as she flipped me on my head.
By supply and demand
it`s me grinding out
my now so valuable golden sand.

What I say, surely could not have been
It made me feel sickly, that seaweed forest green
Why was I so surprised, I expected any type
Perhaps wet sand, or a banana gone too ripe

Lo, I thought Id seen it all, from home to bathroom stall
Exotic colors, like piquant basketball.
Once, all I thought was “Whack”, after dropping a stack
That looked demonic, a bluish almost black

I always anticipate the sight, leaning forward to wipe
But i once I nearly fainted when I saw that it was white
If theres one thing in life that ive proven to be true,
Its to expect the unexpected when you lean to see your poo.

I have a daughter, I have a wife.
One's a prankster, the other is nice.
Here I am, right in between,
They're here for me too, we make a great team.
I talk to myself in public, I love to scream!
An adorable little girl inside a beautiful man.
What is next in this guy's master plan?

Round the drunkards go,
Buzzards not far behind;
Leaders lead, workers woe-
Blind leading the blind.
Insipid procession of mankind,
Thoughtless drones, burning coals;
Heartless hogwash, keep in mind-
The parasitic trolls.

I'm a traveler of faraway fields,
O Maiden, where be my shore?
The gods all cry out in unity:
"Young one, thee look no more! "
So long since smelling a flower,
So long since sitting in shade;
If only we knew, in the past,
That life itself shall fade.
...
And so I travel on unknowingly,
Over the red, hot, burning sun;
And so I travel on for centuries,
To reach my planet - none!

The whispering wind, it won't blow,
The serene rivers, they won't flow;
There is no reason as to why,
No reason! For the blackened sky.

Listen! O, you people, mine!
Listen, oh! To your mother's cry!
Say as you do, do as you say,
So the earth may live another day.

>>9455290
>The whispering wind, it won't blow,
cliche
>The serene rivers, they won't flow;
cliche
>There is no reason as to why,
>No reason! For the blackened sky.
why disrupt the meter and caesure? kys my man

>Listen! O, you people, mine!
>Listen, oh! To your mother's cry!
it's bad when you're a syllable short of the correct amount
worse is when you ad O's because of it
>Say as you do, do as you say,
cliche, trite, overused
>So the earth may live another day.
eugh, ew, kys

Awful. Try again. Post something with more merit.
It's good you haven't started with free or blank verse. Still, it's shit.

>>9455312
Thanks bro. Quite honestly I wrote this for a school thing many years ago and I'm not particularly familiar with the rhyme scheme and write it in 10 minutes. Maybe you could check out the above few poems as well, they're mine too. Thanks again.

>>9455266
I dont want to find out

>>9455267
sounds cheap, you arent really saying anything other than le edgy mankind sux

>>9455273
ill give it a 3/10 for the effort

>>9455290
fucking bad, are these all the same person they all suck equally

Maximum Over-Sad (ironically)
My passion burns at one thousand degrees,
my tears evaporate into painful steam.
Precipitation, a black cloud of bees,
my existence is a hellish dream.

My beating heart freezes within my hollow tin chest,
why am I so cold, so different than the rest?
Life clasps my soul with its rusty claws,
I suffer the consequences of my interpersonal flaws.

My essence is plunged into a cauldron of my boiling shit,
I’m trapped in the stone dungeon of myself, unfit.
Pull the trigger, for the love of god, please don’t miss.
End the pain I feel, anything is better than this