My First Novel

>>9401755
tl;dr

>>9401755
I'm just going to let you know now that you will be rejected by every publisher. It's dull, the prose is juvenile and uninspiring, and nobody really wants to read about a bunch of degenerates dealing drugs.

The first sentence alone made me want to reject it. It's awful. There are also many grammatical errors throughout.

>>9401848
This. It meanders without meaning. It is not entertaining, it is a step by step record of what you did. It is a journal, not storytelling. Also, nobody cares about suburban degenerate white people. Go away Antifa Girl.

this is amazing! sure to be a bestseller

Yo, tommy sounds like he needs to stop, and take a doosh.

>pot

dropped.

I find it odd that you've come looking for praise from a board that routinely shits on every notable author that has ever lived

Honestly man it could be a neat idea but everyones right, its kind of boring as all hell. Rewrite it, maybe cut down the useless details and look for whats important

>wow drugs so badass

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>>9402247

Also I decided to read it just to be fair and yes, it's boring as hell.

Why the hell are you sending out query letters for something that hasn't already gotten multiple outside perspectives? Don't tell me you didn't work with an editor. Holy shit, don't fucking tell me this is your first draft.

I think we might be getting pranked here. I'd like to see someone meaner and with more time than me tear this up for lels.

It doesn't read like you've practiced writing for very long. Save the manuscript, work on something else, and come back to it in two months with fresh eyes and a sharper pen.

>opening sentence is DUDE WEED LMAO
Stopped reading there. It's shit. Kill yourself, numale normalfag ledditor.

>>9401755
its okay to have drugs in your story, but they should serve a purpose and be included sparingly. Even in brave new world, where a major part of the plot is soma, it isnt mentioned this often.
its wayyyy too much drugs man

You have a good sense of how to make the rhythm of the prose flow, but that's about all I can complement. As others said, this is basically a boring person's journal. There's barely any deviation from a straight up narrative. As a result, it becomes very tedious to follow very quickly, and I already have almost no sense of Tommy's or Hannah's character. Ryan's part is definitely the best, and it seems to me that the reason is twofold: one, he actually takes action rather than going with the flow, and two, his background is more unique than those of the other two. I can tell that you were trying to give them all distinct voices, but frankly, it isn't good enough. You should try mimeing the styles of a variety of authors so you can get a better feel for it. It will also help you to identify and change underlying features of your prose that currently don't vary between narrators.

None of this is to say that you're a terrible writer, because you aren't. You're middling in most facets and above average in some others, I think you've also limited yourself with your narrative choices: the fact that it's first person forces you to abandon any prose that rises too far above the level of plain speech, and your characters' voices aren't different enough to make up for it in variety. If it weren't for that I think you would at least be publishable. As it stands, though, you don't have the edge to make it past editors who will choose authors of similar quality with higher marketability.

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Itt: bitter conformist who never had an original thought in their life that left their narrative hierarchical rule structures

>>9401755
Kill yourself

>>9401755
Tell me where this goes. Just give me the run down on the plot, the basics. Right now I can see no reason for this to exist.
>>9403824
OP needs to do something original for any discussion like that to take place.

>TOMMY
holy kek, go back to /sffg/

>>9403824
Why would you say this after reading the OP?

I like to imagine this is a Gravity's Rainbow-length weed epic, just hundreds of pages of the most dreadfully mediocre prose possible.

Honestly, OP, listen to the critiques, keep on writing, and more importantly, keep on reading. You'll look back on this in a couple years and realize how dreadful it was.

>>9403891

I believe in unintentional non-random Dadaism

>>9401755
You fucked up the very first sentence.

I don't susbscribe to the dorky "first line hook" school of hack writing, but the first sentence should not give anyone a migraine.

After reading the first paragraph my brain does not feel much better than the brain of the lowlife I am supposed to be interested in.

>>9404035
>I don't susbscribe to the dorky "first line hook" school of hack writing
You're trying a little too hard.

>>9404041
You're brooding a little too hard.

But let me elaborate.
I do not believe all those silly articles about how the first line of a novel has to blow people's minds.

When I say that, I am of course trying to impress an unemployed druggie who lives with his mother and is trying to publish his blog. Trying pretty damn hard, it's so difficult to shit on someone so perfect.

>>9404052
pfft u mad

>>9404052
Ya, everyone knows what you meant. I can't understand how you think OP is doing that with his fucking "you're probably wondering how I got here"-tier opening line.
It's just annoying to see someone say "A screaming comes across the sky" or something like that is "tryhard" or whatever garbled garbage you're going to type next.

>>9404054
It cudda hadda binna cuzza redda walla text and lost precious seconds of my life.

>>9404060
Well, I was just emphasising that I wasn't of that school, but that I still believe there's such a thing as getting off on the right foot. Namely, not stepping in shit immediately.

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*


yeah, that's my pound of pot. You're probably wondering how it got in my closet. Well, it all began my freshman year at USF...

i really don't think any of you read past the first two paragraphs, and you can say it's the writer's fault, but i think it's cuz your attention spans are about the size of your dicks.

>>9401755
>>9401755
DUDE WEED LMAO