Rate the first sentence of my novel

>>9372478
>t.v.,

>>9372478
I don't know how I feel about your sentence but the smug anime girl makes me feel deeply insecure and anxious

>>9372478
>consumption
https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/words-to-avoid.en.html#Consume

Stick to singing and dancing, please.

>>9372513
Not smug, but cutesy innocent

>>9372518
What would you use then?

>>9372525
Can't do those either

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>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to finally understand that this thing we call real life is the most absurd existence of them all
>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to understand that this thing we call real life is the most absurd existence of them all
>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to understand that real life is the most absurd existence of them all
>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to understand that real life is the most absurd existence of all
>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to understand - real life is the most absurd existence
>Countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., all to understand - real life is absurd
>Hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., all to understand - real life is absurd
>Internet, novels, music, t.v.; all to understand - life is absurd

>>9372478

What other existences are there?

>>9372620
the ones I outlined?

>>9372478
>It took the consumption of countless hours of shitposting, troll threads, reaction images, and memes, to finally understand that this thing we call real life is the most retarded expression of them all.

>>9372478
What is the book about?

>>9372478
Not going the other way around.
>The absurdity of our existence in the real world shows itself through the retreat of mankind into the unreal worlds of social media and fictional stories.

>>9372478
tl;dr.

>>9372478
It's a bit short add more descriptions. the first sentence should fill the first page.

in an ironic novel, I'd rate 8/10

>>9372478
>Wasted life, in the end it doesn't even matter.

>You know, in hindsight, it's funny to me. How we create such fantastical places to escape to in our own heads, when at the end of the day— We're honestly just trying to escape from the weirdness we call real life.

>>9372889
>>9373179

I don't want to focus on the "escapist" aspect, because there's a bad connotation to escapism and using these mediums rather than living life. What I want to show is how much of an accident organic life is, how utterly imperfect its constituents and how filled with hypocrisy and fake virtue.

>>9372886
Adventures of a man who spent his life doing as many things as possible, only to come out of it with regret and a hatred for humanity. He then goes on to experience these fictional worlds and realizes the futility of this real world.

>>9373270
le bump

>>9372518
Please don't tell me you take that neckbeard seriously.

it's bad

i can explain it more if you let me

>>9372478

You should take out "The Consumption of" it adds nothing and makes your sentence to crowded.

>>9372478
pretty bad to be honest

>>9374768
>>9374787
is the premise itself bad?

>>9374782
thx

>>9372478
I want to fuck a slav.

>>9372478
not exactly hooking me, friendo. like, what about this is compelling me to keep reading?

>>9372616
This. Some damn good editing.

>>9372478
Is there an implication of another existence you're comparing to?

Is existence absurd because it seems like non-existence is real?

>>9372616
>Internet, novels, music, t.v.; all to understand - life is absurd
>Literature, music, tv; all to understand - life's absurd.
>Art and literature; life's absurd.
>ART LIFE CRAZYTOWN.

>>9372478
As a fist slammed into the side of my face and pain flashed through my head, I wondered briefly if I could have avoided this whole situation.

>>9375288
>Is there an implication of another existence you're comparing to?
The ones in fantasy fiction

>>9375288
>Is existence absurd because it seems like non-existence is real?
No, how is what I wrote that difficult to grasp? I'm saying that life is absurd because it has no internal logical structure; everything in a fantasy has a reason for existing. Evolution leads to highly flawed organisms and biological processes.

>>9372478
Shitty/OP is a faggot

>>9377365
#NotAnArgument

>>9372616
No fragments, please. It's fine when one author does it once, but everything's just going to go to shit if someone doesn't get this in check.

>>9377527
finally a non-pseud in this thread

>>9377545
le bumpzorz

>>9378723
For what, comments on the sentence? Have you said what the book is about, yet?

Personally, the first sentence makes me worried that this would be better off for all of us as an essay.

>>9372478
cringe

>>9372478
>>9372478
For the love of almighty Christ, would you fucking teenagers just fuck off. Stop writing. You are not profound. You are typical. I hate you so much. Every adult hates you. You don't have an insight into anything. You give credence to the belief that existentialism exists for morons to feel enlightened. Fuck you.

On the other hand, you may be trolling, and purposely wrote that to piss me off. If so, well done.

>>9372478
0/10
die as soon as possible please

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>>9372478
Your pretentiousness in coming off as deep ... stop, just stop.

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>>9372478
The first sentence made me lose any remaining shred of hope I had for humanity. I feel physically ill and am shaking with rage and sickness.

stinks of John Green OP

>It took the consumption of countless hours of internet to understand that I only wanted to sleep with her, just sleep, simply rest, and become drizzle in the wind or some shit.

What yr touching upon is what Baudrillard called Hyperreality, as I understand it.

The relationship between humans and the material world is really asynchronous because it is impossible to understand it, to place reason or meaning upon it, or to explain why we are here, in it, in the first place

When humans try and represent the material world in art it always comes out imperfect because it is impossible to contain the material world within something we have created.

So hyperreality is the idea that worlds created by humans, based on the images that humans produce rather than the material world, is inherently 'more real' than the world around us because we can understand it, we can trace its lineage and influences, and we can place meaning on it. It is 'more complete' than reality.

I think you're on the right path but brevity is definitely the way to go here

>>9372616
>It took countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., to understand - real life is the most absurd existence
>Countless hours of internet, fantasy novels, music, and t.v., all to understand - real life is absurd
These are best.

The absurdity of life trumps
o internet
o fantasy novels
o music
o t.v.
one only learns this after countless hours
of fantasy novels
of music
of t.v.
of internet

I am of fantasy novels
I am T.V.
I, music
Internet
rate this masterpiece

>>9372478
>television

>>9377527
>Internet, novels, music, tv, life - absurd.

>>9378753
>Have you said what the book is about, yet?
yes:

>>9373270

>>9378798
I'm not looking to be "profound", I'm looking to change the way people look at this godforsaken existence.

>>9379818
this is accurate, although I also want to touch upon the fact that evolution consistently leads to irrational and imperfect worlds.

The only way there can be purposeful or just universes is through fantasy creation.

>>9380649
>The only way there can be purposeful or just universes is through fantasy creation.
If that's what you're getting at, it can be expressed in a way that doesn't sound like a teenager in a creative writing 101 course wrote it.

>>9372513
>>9372478
Take notes anon, this could be a beautiful sentence in your novel.

>>9380773
I'd love to hear some (good) revisions then. So far I'm not impressed with this board's conflation of simplicity with impact.

>>9372478

Your girl is cute

>>9378798

but whom are you quoting?

Upon final analysis I've realized that this board is a bunch of pseuds that really don't know anything

That is all.

~ t. OP

RULE#1 OF LITERATURE: Don't mention the internet and fantasy works!!!