Read a passage from any Harry Potter novel. As you do, replace

>>9328320
Harry’s temporarily stupefied brain seemed to reawaken. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your cock. There was only one thing for it. He would have to run — now. Where he was going to go, Harry didn’t know, but he was certain of one thing: At Hogwarts or outside it, he needed his cock. In an almost dreamlike state, he pulled his cock out and turned to leave the kitchen.

/fitlit/ was a mistake, it's full of normies now

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Dumbledore gave his cock a little flick, as if he was trying to get a fly off the end, and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself, snakelike, into words.

>>9328320
He stretched his legs.

“Get — off— me!” Harry gasped; for a few seconds they struggled,
Harry pulling at his uncle’s sausage-like fingers with his left
hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised cock.

>>9328320
“Let go, Bella!” snarled Narcissa, and she drew a cock from beneath her cloak, holding it threateningly in the other’s face. Bella merely laughed.
“Cissy, your own sister? You wouldn’t —”
“There is nothing I wouldn’t do anymore!”

>>9328366
Dullest franchise

cocks out, Harry.

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>Mr. Ollivander: Curious... very curious...
>Harry: Sorry, but what's curious?
>Mr. Ollivander: It is curious that you should be destined for this cock when its brother gave you that scar.
>Harry: And who owned that cock?
>Mr. Ollivander: We do not speak his name! The cock chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter...

The two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane. For a second they stood quite still, cocks directed at each other’s chests; then, recognizing each other, they stowed their cocks beneath their cloaks and started walking briskly in the same direction

“No volunteers?” said Voldemort. “Let’s see . . . Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a cock anymore.”
Lucius Malfoy looked up. His skin appeared yellowish and waxy in the firelight, and his eyes were sunken and shadowed. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.
“My Lord?”
“Your cock, Lucius. I require your cock."
“I . . .

Good,” said Voldemort. He drew out his own cock and com-
pared the lengths. Lucius Malfoy made an involuntary movement; for a fraction of a second, it seemed he expected to receive Voldemort’s cock in exchange for his own. The gesture was not missed by Voldemort, whose eyes widened maliciously.
“Give you my cock, Lucius? My cock?”

"After they’ve read my book, people may be forced to conclude that Grin- delwald simply conjured a white handkerchief from the end of his cock and came quietly!”

And then Harry saw him. Voldemort was flying like smoke on the wind, without broomstick or thestral to hold him, his snake- like face gleaming out of the blackness, his white fingers raising his cock again —

As the pain from Harry’s scar forced his eyes shut, his cock acted of its own accord. He felt it drag his hand around like some great magnet, saw a spurt of golden fire through his half-closed eyelids, heard a crack and a scream of fury.

Dumbledore would have known how and why Harry’s cock had acted independently, because Dumbledore always had the answers; he had known about cocks, had explained to Harry the strange connection that existed between his cock and Voldemort’s. . . .

Please continue, I pissed my pants here.

This shit is amazing.

Seconds later Harry realized that it was his birthday cake, which Mrs. Weasley was suspending with her cock, rather than risk carrying it over the uneven ground.

This is amazing. Well done thread OP.

Shining black ropes flew from his cock-tip and bound Ron head to foot — the waitress screamed and ran for the door

Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his cock from his pocket.
“It’s no wonder I can’t get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they’re tight.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” hissed Hermione, and as she dragged the waitress out of sight of the windows, Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his cock instead.

That's it fellas, I'm out. Thanks for your time

This thread brought to you by:

the year 1999

>>9328320
>tfw you're on the verge of an occult revelation, but don't quite get there

A wand is an intentional phallic symbol. It represents the generative force in nature.

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>reposting bash.org in 2017
>all these people amazed by it

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>this thread
nothin like a good old dick joke

>>9329358
>HEY EURAKARTE
>INSULT

>>9328390
>Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent. 'Lovely evening!' shouted Uncle Vernon, waving at Mrs Number Seven opposite, who was glaring from behind her net curtains.

>>9329400
Fuck. : (

>There was no sign of what had caused the loud cracking noise, but there were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his cock hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent. 'Lovely evening!' shouted Uncle Vernon, waving at Mrs Number Seven opposite, who was glaring from behind her net curtains.

The excess of laughter has killed me !

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>>9329058
>I pissed my pants

>>9329847
From what book, and page ?

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>>9329847
>For too long the mudbloods and muggles have been stripping away our great wizard culture
>We are a proud noble superior race
>Join me and return to the old ways of wizardry and we will purge the mudblood filth!
>*BRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPP*
>removus me poopus

>>9329847
vanished it where?

>>9329983
To the poop dimension in india

>Harry bent his schoolmate [Idk: The Black One] over the desk, unbuckling his trousers and rubbing his wand against [The Black One]'s stiff school-pants, riding the groove of his bouncy little ass-cleft with the head of the wand. When [the Black One], at last, could no longer restrain himself, he pulled his trousers down and, almost weeping as he did, begged Harry to fuck him. Harry obliged, sinking his wand deep, right up to the hilt. [The Black One] couldn't keep his legs still, shuddering in a dumbing mix of ecstasy and pain. Harry thrust, and [the Black One] whimpered. 'You're going to need to be a big girl, alright? This is happening now,' said Harry, then pounded his wand in and out of that ass, wrapping his sweat-drenched school-shirt around [the Black One]'s mouth when he tried to scream. At last, Harry's wand spurted, cum dribbling down, up into [the Black One]'s intestines. He dug around in the ass with his finger, gathering what cum he could and drizzling it onto his wand. 'Suck this off,' he said - and [the Black One] licked his wand clean.

You're right - this works perfectly!

>>9330080
And it's scary

>>9330032
kk eekk

>>9330032
The straw that broke my neck

>read Harry Potter

I would prefer not to

>>9330402
Yeah man plato and wittgenstein all the way haha

>>9330421
what's wrong about plato and wittgenstein?

>>9330465
ugh dude that's just so pretentious

just read Harry Potter and Stephen King, have FUN, live a little! none of those boring old dusty tomes

>>9330472
I know this is sarcasm, but reading Wittgenstein is pretty fun.

He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered-looking cock. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.

>>9328358
W T F?

Your cock is broken, Ron!

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>>9328320
One of you autistic faggots better cap this thread

I unironically think Rowling has great potential and is held back mostly by her God fucking awful prose.

Shit a lot of this stuff is imaginative. She clearly put a lot of thought into it, but the execution's so fucking bad.

>>9335220
>Shit a lot of this stuff is imaginative.
No, it's really not. My chief complaint is the fact that she has no imagination to speak of.

>>9335239
You are wrong.

>>9335244
nope.

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>>9335220
I really enjoy the names she comes up with.

>>9335273
Can't blame her. Brits, right?

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>>9329847
lel

this is great

But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"

From the tip of his cock burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.

"After all this time?"

"Always," said Snape.

>>9330560

I know this is posturing, but reading Wittgenstein is only fun if you're autistic.

>>9329933
good post

>>9328366
is this just a meme or does she really use that phrase repeatedly?

>>9336194
Meme with a grain of truth in it.

She's shit at writing.

>>9336222
understood

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>>9336111

>>9336194
The phrase is used once in the entire book.

The only way to make sense of Bloom's mistake is that he began marking down the number of cliched phrases (and there are many of them) and just mixed things up in his memory.

Most people - including Bloom - don't understand what children's literature is, and how it must be written.

>>9329847
So they would take fat shits in the hallway? What the fuck lmao

>>9328320
"No!"

>>9337377
Badly?

>>9336194
If you autistically search verbatim what Bloom wrote there's one or two instances. If you possess a neurotypical brain you might think "ah, maybe Bloom also meant they stretched their legs, she stretched her legs, they had to stretch their legs etc", and suddenly you find it does reoccur quite a number of times. Bloom exaggerates somewhat but it's not totally without truth.

>>9328320
>Professor Flitwick went scurrying after them, his cock held out before him; he squeaked, "Locomotor trunks!" and Professor Trelawney's luggage rose into the air and proceeded up the staircase after her, Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear.
am i doin it right?

>>9337395

Crossing the inferential gap without condescending is much more difficult than it seems until you try it. More adult authors fail at writing for kids than vice versa.

>>9329037
golden fire

>>9337377
Bloom lists many examples of good children's lit. You're just blowing off steam here mate.

>>9334566
cringe

>>9336222
lets see you do better you filthy little mudblood

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Lavender Brown: "Oh Professor, look! I think I've got an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one's that, Professor?"
Professor Trelawney: "It is Uranus, my dear."
Ron Weasley: "Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?"

I got in trouble for showing this to my friends in 4th grade. Why are women so careless with authority?

>>9329081
underrated

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>>9329081

It will be my duty to keep this thread alive

>>9337807
>tfw learned the japanese translation of harry potter has joyce-tier wordplay
http://www.cjvlang.com/Hpotter/wordplay/uranus.html

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>>9335273
>Cho Chang
>mfw
That's the best she could do pre-internet.

>>9337422
my sides are in orbit at the visualization.

I'm a fucking child

>>9329019
I almost don't want to believe this is part of the book

>>9328320
Harry is undoubtedly modeled after a young Aleister Crowley. The wand is already a phallic symbol, Crowley confirmed this with his sex magick, so there should be some synchronicity.

>>9343444
Who was Crowley's Voldermort?

>>9343443
Deathly Hallows, Chapter One

>>9342253
It's weird since there are insane numbers of what Americans would call Asian- or Chinese-Scots in the UK.

>>9344240
Donald Trump