CRITIQUE THREAD

When I met James he had no friends and I couldn’t get through to him, but by the time he was a sophomore and I was a senior he yielded, and I got to know every freckle on his back. The pale skin of our legs would wind up and our hair would mix when I pushed him into my mattress until he bounced.

His mom was onto us, I knew – when I picked him up, she would say, “You boys be careful.” Once I even told her, “Mrs. Horton, I really like your son,” as if by way of apology to her, like I couldn’t help myself because he was so pretty, but she surprised me by seeming happy about it.

We’d drive around and he’d stare ahead so I could see his face in profile – the face of a scholar, I knew, which looked good in the sunlight. He’d sometimes rest his hand on my knee, which always made me hard. One night we were parked in some deserted cul-de-sac – he’d just blown me and was getting sentimental, so I had him on my lap in the backseat with his head buried in my chest.

He looked up at me and kissed me a few times, on the forehead and then the cheeks and lips, which made me hard again, and asked why we never went anywhere.

“I’ll take you somewhere,” I laughed, and ran my hand up his leg.

But he held my wrist to stop me and said, “No, I mean for real.”

I got serious at that and looked him in the eye, and said, “Oh yeah? That’s what it is? You want to be a real couple? Okay, you tell me what you want. I’ll take you to dinner, have you meet my parents, whatever. I don’t care. I’d love it.”

He looked down flustered and said, “Now you’re making me feel stupid. I just meant – I don’t know, a movie or something.”

I turned the key in the ignition. “You, stupid? I don’t think so. And we’re going to the movies right now.”

I made a big show of it and put my arm around his shoulder, and when I got a popcorn and the guy at the concession asked me if that was all, I said I wanted one for my boyfriend too. That made James go crazy, I could tell – he kept his hand on top of mine during the movie, and we went at it face-to-face and kissed a lot when we made it home.

After that we walked together in school and it was obvious. When it was time for me to graduate, he told me it would be hard to stay together, and I agreed. I fucked him whenever I came back on break, harder than I used to, and I he liked it, but eventually he got a boyfriend with glasses and I was happier for him than I had been.

>>9277923
reads like YA. It's not much without context but it's ok

>the face of a scholar, I knew, which looked good in the sunlight
non-sequitur
scholars are pale af and look like ghosts in the sunlight, if they don't immediately fry to death

http://pastebin.com/yFdKWxcG

>>9278138
>http://pastebin.com/yFdKWxcG

Enjoyed this, first paragraph felt a bit clunky, the stuff in parenthesis felt unnecessary. Maybe that was your intention.

I liked the munching on crisps as possible torture device and it made me intrigued. The Pearl and Dean theme was a nice touch as well.

>at least not at this stage in the continuous societal evolution

This scans a bit oddly. Maybe just an "of" instead of "in the"? Also I'm not sure about the use of debonair, how do you eat crisps debonairly?

Anyway, enjoyed it overall. I'm not great at critiquing to be honest.

Here's my load of shite;

The fall was only from a stepladder, 4 or 5 foot at most, took less than a second from ladder to paving. The resultant injury was of greater depth and sustained duration.
A clatter n; a thunk. Forthwith his mind became a furious blur, the ability to cogitate slowly now defunct.

Dennis was a decent bloke, a warm soul in a cold part of the country. Always a kindly smile and humane eyes. Decorator by trade, doing it since he was 16, very good at it by all accounts. Always a professional finish, his interaction with customers never less than exemplary, friendly, funny, laid back charm. Never too much, never too little.
So it was with great surprise the changes that occurred after that short tumble from the ladder, mid door frame, using satin not gloss, nicer finish. The door got finished by another decorator, he wasn’t as good, or as nice.
The cliche for someone a little bit off or just slightly removed from what is considered normal by the mainstream of society is often to ask if they got dropped on their head as a child. Wether Dennis fell or was “dropped” by something is a question for the philosophers and theorists to ponder. I shall simply attempt to narrate some of what I know and experienced within the short time Dennis and I’s lives intersected.

>>9277923
Overall pretty bland, and the writing near the end was awkward. It's not bad, really, but it could be much better if you did some editing.

Here's mine:

Pulling one foot past the other, placing a minimal weight on each leg, and moving with a drowsy speed, he made his way towards the door. His altered state of consciousness rendered the ordinary fantastic in his mind, and every color appeared luminescent in his sight. The dawn-light that shone through the glass in the double-doors came to him as crepuscular rays—ethereal, warm.

This was his desire, to spend his life in a state of consciousness that was somnambulant. When neurotransmitter depletion made sleep absolutely necessary, he spent hours in chemical REM sleep, and when he wasn't sleeping he was taking immeasurable delight in the glowing sensations in his stomach and head. His hypnagogic world was constructed mostly of feelings and sensations, with little capacity for facts and objects.

I've seen his face many times before. Mainly on the train on my way home from work. This time was no different. He was sitting in the back of the last cart, as usual, reading some obscure old Soviet era volume, his thick rimmed glasses so dirty it was a wonder he could read anything at all.

Does this make you want to go on reading?

http://pastebin.com/31v5EzFr

>>9278245
>debonair
you're right, it doesn't mean what I thought it meant. though the original french comes close.

thanks for the other points, yeah, the stuff in parenthesis was intentionally clunky/excessive. maybe I should be more consistent in use of parentheses. "of" works better there for sure tho.

I enjoyed your piece, pretty funny, can't say anything useful about it though.

Are we allowed to post highly erotic (pornagraphic writing) here?

>>9276935
As they began to eat, Brianna said how disgusting the food was. "Its better than nothing, now hush and eat you're food, just get it over with." There mom spent all day stressed out doing paperwork, she was in no mood for nagging children.

>>9279529
be our honoured guest

File: 2c5fb6bfa6622f93a0d72faaca222878.jpg (60KB, 736x490px) Image search: [Google]

60KB, 736x490px

I have a completed short story (~26 pages, albeit widely spaced) that I'm looking for critiques on if anyone is interested.

It's a fantasy/sci-fi/speculative fiction story set far in the future, but with Neolithic-era technology, and deals with the nature and burdens of knowledge. The basic premise is, "Is ignorance really bliss?" It's written in a deliberately, and deceptively, simple style, so it's not very difficult to read.

I'd appreciate any criticisms I get and will provide feedback to other posts in this thread.

>>9281388
shit, forgot the link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GbywSXiPMwKCJhbvrtjUbxERc1vEvWa9hZavxqHNZyA/edit?usp=sharing

>>9281388
>>9281390
I'll give it a read. I'm a slow reader though.

>>9281388
>>9281390
I enjoyed the concept very much and the plot as well. I can really see the vision of it being a fantasy/sci fi of a different era, and that is really innovative.

The only minor critique I have is that the writing, at times, fluctuates from being simple and descriptive (as should be the case for the setting) to a more abstract and advanced form of thought. It's only a minute detail but it sometimes derailed and confused me a bit.

All in all, it's not like anything I have read before and thoroughly enjoyable.

>>9281426
>>9281523
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll take your critique to heart. I was trying to make the writing more complex as Red Deer grew older to mirror her passage into adulthood, but I guess it didn't come off as I wanted it.