hey lit, was wondering if some people could give me a little

Heavy handed.
Didnt like it, sorry

>>9225523
How do you mean? Are we talking style?

>>9225500
You have metaphors all over the place.

> time passing, line 1
> drunk, line 2
> depths, line 2
> falling bodies, waves, masts, staircases

Choose one. Pick it apart, prove your point. Close it up.

>>9225542
OK! I was trying to use those words to show myself looking back at the past (first 4 lines) and my own regrets i.e. the forgotten bodies meaning skeletons in closet; the second 4 lines were meant to be looking towards the future and the following four back at the past, more resigned (as is the ending)

Im 100% sure that hasnt came across, however, considering your feedback. Thank you for the advice :)

>>9225542
PS. What's the theme? Lost love?
What'll you use as a metaphor? A shipwreck?

Who was famously shipwrecked? Odysseus?

Use his journey as the lines of the verse, and the sea as metaphor.

> From those sea-mirrored gates
> I turn, my sails to you lost
> Over countless seas; she waits
> For me, to sing and wreck
> The ship so happily made and filled
> With you, on rocks and ages tilled

Or something.

>>9225584
yeah i get it more now, the theme was meant to being stuck in my mind hence the broken mast being a metaphor for my brain (broken in the ocean was meant to be its lost at sea/impossibe to find)
honestly thank you for the help though!

>>9225500
Poetry is for nerds and the gays. Fag. Get a real hobby like guns and football.

>>9226173
>not doing both

>>9226176
What, poetry and men? Dweeb.

>>9225500
>time is an hourglass, filled with falling sand
THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Seriously, change that bit.

>>9226176
at the same time
>ARE YUH EVEN AMERICANO, UHMIGO

Could I have feedback on this (please)?

Hot-Spot tethering
(And shameful, first-world longing)
For the curve of Us,
We, Serpent, did rattle,
But no long We, wiggle either/or mask.

For if Agammemnon’s death,
Saw Leda’s span, (in its multicoloured RAM)
Were we in the many Years War,
Aside, midst, on in clash,
Were we curving Us.

If and maybe,
Were to last,
Second to last,
To who’s lady

Hither clay,
Tither Lust.

For if Mary’s baby,
Sighs past-guilt
No mad aristos,
No dusk-spear.

Hither, tither,
U, forth and back,
Titter, hit ‘er,
Out the curve on Us.

Closer,
You,
Come closer,
Yelp!
Not as much,

There,
One meter.
But closer.
Gasp!
Out in Us!

Still,
Away!
Hush away!

…if you must.

>>9227711
Great stuff.

What about this?
#include <iostream>
Int main ()
{
Cout << “Hapiness is a negative factor. \n”;
String happy
If (happy== “yes”)
Cout << “Abolish desire, but doubt \n”;
//lmao

So is this the critique thread? I couldn't find any in the catalog.