Post some of your own haiku or write some haiku right now. It

>>9222764
Black Orchid
drips with starry
dew vapour

Deerdeath stench
reeks red on
green meadow

Mirror shines
the sun eclipsed;
little angel

Red slate roof
shingles plate
the sick child

some of my more recent r8 me

Let's tear us apart
and clean the blood while we laugh.
We are broken glass.

I don't know how to count syllabes in english.

>>9222764

I have written some this morning here in the office (came here to study and ended up writing some small poems). I use 3 verses, but not with the 5-7-5 metric. I use 3 verses of 10 poetic syllables.

The originals are in Portuguese. I will post the translations first, and then the originals.

1) Both alone, me and Peter- Hobbler*, the dog.
He suffers with the scratching of scabies on his flesh
Me with the scabies of poetry on my brain.

2) Paws crossed, eyes half open,
In docile meditation the cat submerges:
More than in myself the Buddha inhabits in him

3) If the mind, when crude, is a tamarin, mine
Is a whole clan of tamarins, with flies, with fleas,
And the chaos of this festival of itchiness.

4) My thoughts fly up, swim among the galaxies,
Sperm searching for the egg of God;
But my belly growls, and suddenly I fall.

*Peter-Hobbler (in Portuguese: Pedro Manco) is a street dog that people in the firm adopted. He is accustomed to hang out inside the office building. He is with me here on this fine Saturday morning. He suffers with scabies and was hit by a car. He was saved by people in a do-shelter and adopted by the owners of the firm.


Originals

1) Sozinhos, eu e Pedro-Manco, o cão.
Ele sofre a coçar sarna na carne,
Eu a sarna poética em meu cérebro.

2) Patas cruzadas, olhos semi-abertos,
Em dócil meditar submerge o gato:
Mais do que em mim habita nele o Buda.

3) Se a mente, quando crua, é um mico, a minha
É um clã de micos, com moscas, com pulgas,
E o caos do festival dessa coceira.

4) Meu pensar voa, nada entre as galáxias,
Esperma a buscar o óvulo de Deus;
Mas a barriga ronca e eu caio, súbito.

>>9222837
>Black Orchid
>drips with starry
>dew vapour

loved

>>9222857
>Let's tear us apart
>and clean the blood while we laugh.
>We are broken glass.

loved


People here know their shit

>>9222837
>Black Orchid
>drips with starry
>dew vapour

I imagined the night sky as an immense black orchid with its petals opened upon Earth, and the stars as the dew sparkling on its dark flesh.

In the reverse sense, one could hold the entire night sky on one’s hand by holding a black orchid still moist with dew.

>>9222890
>2) Paws crossed, eyes half open,
>In docile meditation the cat submerges:
>More than in myself the Buddha inhabits in him
Fucking cats, the most /lit/ pets.

File: it is a mystery.jpg (223KB, 736x983px) Image search: [Google]

223KB, 736x983px

eat a bag of dicks, friend
'cause you are so gay today,
happiness is bent

japan's gay metal
death, thrash, grind, doom, black, it's gay
bad music for bad japs

Opulent meadow
birds flirting with each other.
Spring wakes once again

Wintry arteries
Shake nakedly, forgetting
Their tatty green coat

>>9222837
>>9222857
I deeply enjoyed both of these. Especially black orchid.

Haikus in English?
I hope you guys are trolling
Uh oh, I dun it

>>9223639
Opulent meadow
Flirtation of singing birds
Sping wakes once again!

>>9222764
A cobweb of cum,
Surrounds us like cutting glass,
Eat up or be trapped

>>9223678
interesting, when i wrote the second line should i have been more vague and gone with flirtation of singing birds instead of birds flirting with each other which is a sentence i guess?

>>9223655
The glow around stars
Lines the white gap of heaven,
It flickers my God.

>>9223639
I know this isn't a /crit/ thread but birds flirting with eachother is too good a line to waste on your finale. I get the image but it's been done.

>>9223669
The weebiest shit.
After reading light-novels.
Learn some Japanese.

>>9223718
what do you mean exactly? to waste it on my finale?

>>9223712
I tried to retain the portrayal you had in mind while keeping the birds.

>>9223740
Yes. I think it should build on the sound too, like it has an impact on the beginning of spring, that is not "spring waking up", but "waking up Spring" - although I'd carry the love imagery, make the final line something fertile not so passive.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I just adored your middle line.

White tile longing
Extends empty fingertips
Begging me exchange

>>9223678
This is significantly better

Sketching with graphite--
Microscopic mountain range
Crush to creation

Water falls down low
Screams then trickling in streams
Salmon swim up high

Raindrops drum leaf pads
Gentle winds and grass trumpets
Car horns toot afar

Pulsing molten core
Veins and stone and dirt and grass
Open flowing sun

>>9223755
No no, i appreciate any advice. Thanks

i need my waifu
now she's gone and won't be back
feels bad man desu

Man stooped with knee fold
Sword held in lovers embrace
Quickness ends the deed

>>9224263
Pics or it didn't happen

Just messing, pretty good as is, but not really a haiku though since its about seppuku

>>9224310
Haikus can't be about seppuku?

>>9224322
Depends on where you draw the line of "of nature." But by standard definition, that's not a 'real' haiku since haiku are meant to capture an essence of nature.

See the black orchid haiku above or >>9223678. Or the most well known haiku by one of the original masters of the craft:
>A frog jumps into the pond, splash! Silence again.

>>9224357
Thanks, isn't that the original theme of haiku poems while modern haiku poems can be about anhything?

>>9224383
Of course! There's nothing inherently wrong with your haiku at all, don't take my crit to heart; it was more of an afterthought when I mentioned it wasn't a 'real' haiku--I'm a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to haiku. They can be very beautiful.

haikus are dum
because japanese are weird
barely human scum

>>9224398
Don't worry, I was mostly asking because I didn't know the difference.

Lovely eyes smiling
Alluring breasts unconcealed
Touched by rays of sun


Someone please make it better.

File: 1466797865455.gif (1MB, 386x286px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 386x286px

suteki da ne
from final fantasy ten
tanoshii yo

>>9224461
Can't--too busy fapping

File: 1471860876433.png (388KB, 551x631px) Image search: [Google]

388KB, 551x631px

a drop of being
in an ocean of nothing:
bells chime in silence

>>9224507
Opulent meadow
Flirtation of singing birds
Spring wakes once again

Lovely eyes smiling
Alluring breasts unconcealed
Touched by rays of sun

Her arms are folded
Fingers embracing my spine
Pulling me in reach
Lashes closing shut
Like folded hands, lips drawn in
Now noses caress

Our breathing even
Coexistence carried out
- - - - -


Out of haiku fluids

>>9224639
are we combining our stuff now?

I lay on my back
Toward the moon you kiss me
Swaying waves we gaze

>>9222764
Water fill the lake
Trees move a little from the wind
I'm drunk and writing

His fingers halfway
Resting on her lips and cheeks
Adorning bare skin

My dear child
I hope I see you again
in God's kingdom

heavy testicles
slap against your nasty taint
like nigger bongos

Leftist opinions
Plebshitters shitting
Reddit colonizes us

he sticks his finger
into your bleeding asshole
"it IS a toomah"

File: bailey-jay-pinup-01.jpg (108KB, 682x1024px) Image search: [Google]

108KB, 682x1024px

>>9222764
i wank to shemales
like bailey jay. in my dreams
she cums on my face

>>9222764
buy
feel vacuum
the girl look at me
im not looking at her

>>9222764
A bottle of wine
On the table, uncorked
Waiting to be drunk

Ginger tabbycat
looking outside the window
a pair of sparrows

Gazing at sunset
As I walk through a meadow
I stepped in cowdung

海くれて
鴨のこゑ
ほのかに白し

>>9224790
>bailey jay pinup
thank you jesus

>write some haiku right now

Skyscraper in blue
just a nest
but a peak of nature too

Goldful day
but a night
without the moon

Lost your name
what I'll guess
is only for me

>>9223718
The glow around stars
Links the gap of white heaven,
it flickers: my God!

Eight legs and two fangs
Eater of flesh; Death of worlds
Silk wisp on my face

(Dark)
Young, soft tufts of fur
Litter of baby rabbits
Splat! Broken mower

Outstretched, reaching bow
Twig-like fingers cusp lush fruit
Swallows swooping down

It's curious: in most poetry and critique threads we only see mostly poor material, and yet this haiku thread is full of gems. So brevity is the soul of wit for most /lit/ posters after all. Nice job, fellows, nice job.

terrifyingly
accelerating into
something bottomless

File: These.png (25KB, 356x778px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 356x778px

>>9226088
Haiku forces structure although these people need to read more about haiku (because I'm not sold their breaking from the form enhances their work)

>>9222857 (uses self which is a clear break)
>>9222890 (ditto and some waste space with grmmar)
>>9223684 (could be good even though it was a memer, but self messes it up)
>>9223718 (again with the self. the self obscures the pure image)
>>9223794 (this is basically a full-blown senryu)
>>9224263 (needs a tie to seasons, their is almost one)
>>9224461 (don't pretend this is a haiku and it'll get better with revision)
>>9224682(senryu (a good one))
>>9224716 nope
>>9224908 nippon man isn't bad but again senryu with 3rd
>>9225069 too many articles and self in the last
>>9226124 this is more of a Vorticist work


>>9222837
me btw

>>9226196
>this is more of a Vorticist work

how so? never heard of vorticism until now.

>>9226221
it's pure movement and bitterness (not a bad thing btw)

>>9226196
>this is basically a full-blown senryu
Thanks for the sleight later on in your post anon, fucking cunt.

>>9226229
ok thank you for that

>>9226231
i'm sorry I upset you. Feel free to insult my work back or something. I like senryu, but they're definitely different, and feel VERY different.

en el mosaico
jugando a la rayuela
unos gorriones

in the tiles
playing hopscotch
some sparrows

File: so powerful.png (91KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

91KB, 640x360px

Mister Trump
not president
if if if

>>9226252
that if if if could be powerful in the right work

>>9226242
Kek, mine was the only one you called shit. It's not the point that it's not a haiku.

>>9226269
>his fingers halfway
that one?
there were plenty others i didn't like and most of them i didn't waste my time with

File: asaakirahaiku.png (31KB, 738x339px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 738x339px

>>9222764
how do these even work in English?

>>9226284
That's a senryu tho

>>9226284
As far as I know you may not just count the syllables, but have to look for the amount of vowels or something like that.

>>9226275
Being hyper critical over haiku is ironic, I hope you understand. It's clear you regard the value of a haiku and it's variations highly based on your examples. But there's no need to come in here ripping on them.
>It doesn’t have to be anything particularly great or extremely rule-following.

So just acknowledge what you like, and keep your ego to yourself.

>>9226294
I wouldn't know, it's just what she called it.
I thought it was exceptionally witty for a pornstar.

>>9226299
disliking something isn't hyper critical?
Yours are p good for such a noble egalitarian

>>9226312
Not trying to sound rude, but this wasn't intended to be a critique thread, or at least it wasn't specified. So saying you dislike it just comes off like you're flexing.

I just like when people post. And not getting a reply is usually better than getting a dislike. Either way, you know you didn't do good.

>>9226333
gotcha, its a bit hard to switch off, I still think its important for people writing in a form to at elast know what the form is, which in the case of a sonnet or something larger and more mechanically formal, my complaints would be obvious, but I feel as though haiku is a form that's sort of treated poorly because its requirements are so subtle in English (specially from someone who doesn't know what to look for)
I could've done it nicer though, I'll admit.

Want to sniff some ass
Their face when no cute girlfriend
Forever alone

>>9226352
Nah, you weren't rude. They were honest crits that I agree with. The haiku is trampled on, but it wasnt intended for English either. I'm not saying this >>9226284 is okay, it's appalling. But it's nothing to take to heart.

Calmly a lone leaf
Sways with the unrecognized
The branch holds on still

Yammering pet dogs
Neighbor's incessant wind chimes
Zap! one more dead bug

bIr'jarmeyDaq', jI
jejbeH nuHwIj, vIDaj SaH
jIQub jaghpuwIj; jIHagh

>>9226196
>2
Thanks for the feedback. I did the stars and the cobweb, and also one on trees forgetting their coat (which I would like to expand maybe, on the coat forgetting them too, not in a haiku format though). My knowledge of proper haiku form isn't too good, I wasn't aware that you were to include your self. As I said earlier, I thought your black orchard was beauitiful.

>>9226299
Intelligent criticism is always helpful, always painful.

>>9222890
Portuguese anon you are fucking great, honestly. Keep it up dude.
Here are mine niggas:

Leaving the shower
The towel sticks to her, she
Squeezes her breasts dry.

Frost clings to her skin
That of warm changing to cold
And not knowing why.

File: 1467875810843.png (85KB, 388x218px) Image search: [Google]

85KB, 388x218px

Are haikus suppose to be stacked like this, one after another and be connected in subtext/context?

>>9227526
Not necessarily, and if you're anything like the autistic formalist poster (but good poet) a few posts above then it's fucking sacrilege and you should commit sudoku.

>>9222764
Green are the spring shoots
Verdant is the plum orchard
Pea-hued, my sputum!

eagerly awaiting formalist anon to deride my attempt at haiku

>>9227526
One who was considered to be one of the 4 great masters of haiku was the modernist masaoka shiki. He proposed that haiku stray away from its buddhist connotation of evanescenct fleetingness ( like basho's frog jumping in the pond and for a split second rippling, and thus, upsetting the harmony of the ancient pond) and rather take on what he called 'shasei' which you could translate as describing daily life.

from the top off my head there's one haiku of his you'd translate as 'red apple, green apple, sitting on the table'. Now obviously there are critics who'll tell you that shiki didn't really succeed in following his proposed ideal and still clings to the form popularized by bashô, but there you go.

>>9226244
I love birds

They walk the most straight
Gliding with an effortless gait
Walking beneath a weight

Who even cares about syllables.

Gliding over the dirt
Walking beneath a weight
They walk straight

>>9227683
Thanks for the tip

>>9222890
What do you do for living?

>>9229111
I am a lawyer. I work in a small law firm especialized in labour's-right law. Most of our clients are factory workers, bricklayers, maids, metallurgists, etc.

>>9227526
>>9229072
Just to clarify, I believe >>9224656 and
>>9224639 are the only two that combined the works. Otherwise the others are a series of individual haiku that may seem related but only because haiku have a general 'nature' to them. So reading several in a town in a single post might make it seem like they're related, but they aren't.

>>9229158
A lawyer who writes haiku. I'm impressed, for lack of a better term.

>>9229485
the former president of the eu is an avid haiku poet
you know, the one nigel farage labelled as having less charisma than a damp rag

I eat from the trash
can all the time. Named
Ideology

Moonlight cased in black
Hanging high and swimming low
Neither here nor there

Ocean waves crashing
Roaring echoes far away--
Deafening silence

(Religious)
Angelic moth wings
Flutter frantic for reprieve
Clinking off a bulb

>>9229527
And so on and so on

>>9229517
That's coming from a food critic, yikes. Well you're fairly good (I don't speak Portuguese, but your originals seemed better than your translations, and the translations weren't bad either). Keep up the good work.

>>9229158
What your girlfriend think about your autism? Serious question.

>>9229544
Was supposed to be:

>(Religious)
>Angelic white wings
>Flutter frantic for reprieve
>Clinking off a bulb

Must've had a Freudian slip

>>9222764
>starts a haiku thread
>doesn't even write OP
>in fucking haiku

Ching chang bing bang bong
Ho ho chee moy choy chow chong
Ding dang ping pang pong

>its still alive
Hai!
Kuuuuuuu

I.
Blizzard white,
green shoot--
renaissance

Bird twees;
baby coos
a soft world

Fan flickers
lights on ceiling--
gunfire lights walls

Stethoscope’s
cold touch burns
a dry ice death

Thunder stretches
skyskin outward--
a pregnant belly

Autumn breeze
blows against my ear--
lover’s whisper

The bread aisle
Field of Reeds,
prepackaged

Sand dunes rolls
across the desert--
Bedouin soil

II.
Long Cedar tree
shadow untouched
by sunwarmth

Chirr of june
old growl of
colder days

Fall cometh at
breakbranch pace
forest fire | fire forest

warm red leaves
mulch to duller heat
red mud still

rotten apples
sweet the ground
gold rot--gold sun

pale sun casts
a longer moon
-O- blue land

snowskin lawn
with drying scars
of young fire

Sen-Reeee-Yuuuuu

Deep-Breathing Cycle

How quickly
Summer falls
into snow!

Windburned face
blinded by Sun-
foiled in frost.

White light shades
Earth’s warm color--
washed to see

Slow breath’d man
cools himself down
from red shaking.

Cool white stars
night so quiet
blood still roars.

Let me go.
Let me go.
Let me go.

Test

OP is a fag
He should just kill himself now
Is it my turn next?

File: 1462656585411.jpg (52KB, 800x630px) Image search: [Google]

52KB, 800x630px

>>9222764
i cum on her feet
good boy, she says while smiling
as i lick it all up

All of these are fucking garbage

>An old silent pond...
>A frog jumps into the pond,
>splash! Silence again.
The problem with western haikus is that they're written in English.
Whether you like it or not, English is garbage for expressing one self and its surroundings

Same thing as before:

>>9222890

First the translation, then the original in Portuguese.

A warm plate of rice and beans,
A cold glass of guarana and a little cup of coffee:
The entire Brazil dancing samba in my mouth.

Um prato quete de feijão e arroz,
Um guaraná gelado e um cafezinho:
Todo o Brasil sambando em minha boca.

>>9231836
This haiku still does fine in English. It represents the stillness if mind, and the slight agitation caused from the imagined jump and splash of the frog into the still water of your mind. Silence again is the return to stillness. Our words don't carry the sane weight as theirs do, but the idea is certainly still there.

>>9231836
That translation is terrible.

Licked like a stamp
Glistening in amylaze
Bolder at the
Tip

Check these digits
Certainly not sequential
Count them anyway

>>9231836
>>9232223

>t. people who have an understanding of haiku but not knowledge

>>9232249
Doesn't change the fact that the translation is bad. Doesn't mean the English language is useless for haiku, but it does mean that it is too explicit and that, with all your knowledge and understanding, your taste is still terrible

>>9232269
The translation is too explicit, that is.

>>9222764
seven is
my favourite number
and haikus

>>9232269
No. It's just there is a difference between an apple and it's seeds. One has already come to fruit of a tree. One intends to become it's own tree bearing fruit.

I'm sure you're finding plenty of time to visit 4Chan between your extensive studies of Japanese culture and your Linguistics degree, but I'm not going to stop writing haiku in English because some kid thinks you can't implement an idea in a different language purely because "it's not the same". No shit Sherlock, you've cracked the case!

>>9222764
A memory
Perhaps a dream
the wind erased

>>9232353
Stop making so many assumptions, you are embarassing yourself. I only said that that specific translation was bad. It is too explicit and takes too many liberties, and thus the image becomes too prosaic.

I never said that English was a bad language for haiku (I even said that it wasn't in my previous post). I also write haiku and translate it from Japanses in my own language, any poetic form can be adapted to any language.

You don't need to be an insufferable faggot because someone else didn't like a translation.

Fucking tripfags.

>>9232409
I have a problem because:
You used a poor translation. See my post above where I use the most direct translation of the haiku, here >>9224357

I believe it's more insufferable to rip apart a translation (that scholar produced) of a masterful work, which is still represented well in English, just because it "lacks it's original simplicity". Because from what I see in the translation I found, if it gets any simpler then they'll replace "frog" with 'it', "pond" with 'something', and "splash" with 'sound'. Every detail that is needed is there, and nothing more.

>>9232423
>rip apart a translation

I was commenting on this specific one. >>9231836
I didn't even post it, I just read it and thought that it was bad. It adds the unnecessary adjective "silent" an the onomatopeia "splash!", and introduces the "Silence again", which isn't even in the original. All of that is already implicit in the original by Basho, and the translator probably added it for the sake of a clear image which was already clear enough.

If, according to you, it is a poor translation and is not the "most direct" one, which would apparently be the one you posted, why the fuck are you complaining? Just because an scholar translated it doesn't mean it is flawless. If it is defective, one has the right to say why. It would be insufferable if I didn't say why and just complained that I don't like it, just as it is insufferable to say it is brilliant only because an scholar made it. If it "lacks it's original simplicity" in English, it is not a defect of the language or of the poem, but of the translator. Every detail that is needed might be there, as you say, yet that doesn't imply that it is there in the best way it can be.

>most direct translation
>A frog jumps into the pond, splash! Silence again.

The haiku, in romaji, is:
Furu ike ya kawazu tobikomu mizu no oto

The original Japanese reads:
古池や 蛙飛び込む 水の音

The most direct, literal translation would be:
An old pond(!) -- a frog jumps in -- sound of water

The most direct translations would by the ones by Lafcadio Hearn:

Old pond — frogs jumped in — sound of water.

And by R.H. Blyth:

The old pond;
A frog jumps in —
The sound of the water.

There is a difference, as you can see.

>>9232482
>an scholar

a scholar***, my bad.

>>9231836
>English is garbage for expressing one self and its surroundings
stop speaking it then

>>9232482
As I said, the haiku represents the unsettling of the mind by thought for a brief moment before returning to silence. It literally is the Buddha's pond being momentarily perturbed in a peaceful manner. With those other translations, you get the idea of the nature of the piece. But without asserting the return of silence, the true depth of the piece is lost. Just because there are more words and an extra implication, you assume it's poor. That's the problem. In English, it's the bare equivalent, the translation I posted. It's the literal translation because our culture does not typically think of Buddhist culture, so the implement of the following silence is needed, even if it is implied in the original. It's not so much a language problem, it's a culture rift. But it doesn't make one better or worse; as long as the image is the same, it's purely that one is original.

>>9222764

the big fat coy said
don't poke me, I'm just a coy
the man poked him again

coy are like haikus
the old man thought as he poked
fat awkward little things

when you think about
it, coy are nothing more than
medium size fish

>>9232482
And as for the onomatopoeia, that's literally what is done in the original. You've even translated and stated it so in your over-winded post:
>An old pond(!) -- a frog jumps in -- sound of water

It may translate to "sound of water", but in the original language, it is also an onomatopoeia. Just as "splash", when defined as an onomatopoeia, would translate to "sound of water" to another language.

Big red sunburned ass
Reminds me of two apples
Tasty and juicy

Kobayashi Issa is even greater than Basho, imo.

I love his insect poetry:

https://oup.silverchair-cdn.com/oup/backfile/Content_public/Journal/ae/46/2/10.1093_ae_46.2.70/2/ae46-0070.pdf?Expires=1489778754&Signature=MuG~JT8d841dnOn~Wn-IbtlH6UCX6Zg4Yasf~eHHAkQvH6Qc-Q7WJW0oAt1iwt6p0XkR9McZ2OzBo6k33RNUmqUlx~4QSjPU9eSi9eSkVb8QAn0eJUPE2OxOuchMfIpG1CjjRMx2yeN6kX50aHjNx8xpykmVSr6INKaLz2hTpLm~xT4YLqDPMZjvmi8PwNgQhI3jqzIZ02XwQ5Ey90iyy~yy1PEhzcljGCWu~A~wU-Nti85wl3Kf71scEspua7kvQnxLsswWwLjnjWCYy8NytBEazOuLsSu6RcTagPF3CpY2D6Tvv~td6sdyvqhta4v9pRpgBLGoYLXa0oS2l8wFGw__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAIUCZBIA4LVPAVW3Q

And, of course:

The world of dew
Is the world of dew
And yet, and yet

Doesn't matter if
I'm not enough for the future
or the things to come

first serious haiku, let me know how it is

a heated breeze
dancing through the sweat of skin
flowery scents rise

>>9232580
it's not an onomatopoeia though, the same way 'the sound of a cat' isn't an onomatopoeia but meowing or purring or what have you is. ' the sound of water' can be 'splash', but it doesn't necessarily need to be that. It's not been made explicit in the Japanese original.Had Basho wanted to, he'd have used one . In doing so that translation alters the entire meaning of the haiku and makes it lose a lot of its beauty. It's the picturing, the mental reflections in which lies the beauty of such poetry. Dictating how it should be interpreted by adding an unseemly 'splash' just spoils it entirely.
Might as well have added 'kerplunk'

>>9237084
Fair enough. I don't speak the language and only know of the haiku what I've read into about it. I'm inclined to believe my source over you, but I'm not going to push the issue, it's redundant at this point. I believe the haiku is still great in English, you don't. Opinions are opinions, and just like onions they've got layers.

>>9237106
your opinion, just like onions, makes me cry

>>9233228
Did you write the haiku at the end of your post? I feel like I've seen it before. Either way, just wanted to say it's pretty good.

>>9236056
It's nothing memorable. You're still sort of missing the whole object behind a haiku. The second line should really set up the final thought, giving a clear juxtaposition of the images intended. I'm not really making the connection between your second and final lines, nor am I really getting the idea. Could be cuz I just woke up and I'm not all there yet, but it doesn't feel like your haiku is all there either.

File: 1465855614633.gif (2MB, 300x226px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 300x226px

>>9237112

>>9223712
I just noticed this reply. I don't know if you're still in the thread, but I wanted to tell you that why it works better the way it was reworked by >>9223678 is precisely because it wasn't a "correct sentence". The idea here is to evocative with your images, making them as vivid as you can in the mind. While "birds flirting with each other" gives an idea of what you're intending, it's actually much more vivid when stated as "flirtation of singing birds". It's more gentle to read, it gives more clarity in the sound of the birds by saying their singing is their flirtation., and it really roots you in the meadow by not focusing on the correctness of the line, but the importance of the image evoked. By that simple change, it turned a clunky, alright haiku into a very memorable piece.

>>9236056
Now that I've woken up more, I more articulate where the issues are. Between your first two lines, I don't know what the primary subject is. When you make a connection of 'wind' and 'sweaty skin' (a person? A glass? A flower petal?) and connect them with a word like 'dancing' you can't make a clear connection. Dancing is a very vague image to give wind because it's invisible. You can say "the wind makes sweat on skin dance" and you can sort of picture the movement of the sweat (not a string example), but still not really because of the very specific imagery of dancing.
So by your second line I still don't have a very clear image in my head, and your juxtaposition (final line) still neither clarifies or strengthens the previous image. The entire piece is scattered in its imagery, and the idea of a haiku is to give a vivid, clear 'cut' image or idea. That just takes practice, making sure you're not too involved in your conceit and that your images can evoke well enough in another person who has no idea what you were thinking when creating the piece.

Hopefully that's a little more helpful.

>>9222764
A healed dragon
A crippled fox
The top of Europe

>>9227510
He is Brazillian, you idiot!

Kek 6/10

Sex: I want it now.
But it feels wrong to pay for.
They're fucking without me.

>>9232552
Fair enough, though it's still not a literal translation. It's, as you yourself explain, an adaptation of meaning. I still don't like it because I am acquainted with Zen in haiku, and could catch the meaning at once, but perhaps the translator thought that Western readers who don't have that knowledge could use the explanation. That's understandable, though I still don't like it.

And yet, having said that, you went out of your way to write this:
>>9237106
>not liking one particular translation implies a whole language is insufficient for a poetic form

How can you miss the point so hard? Well, perhaps that's why you are so cavalier about your defense of English haiku (though nobody except one guy in the thread actually said something bad about the language). If you don't know the nuances of the Japanese language first-hand, I understand why you are skeptical about "mizu no oto" not being an onomatopeia, but the truth is it isn't. "Oto" just means "sound", but because of the sound of the word (O-T-O, round sound, soft t, sound sound), it is similar to the "plop" a frog would make when jumping into water. It's not even an "splash", nor a direct onomatopeia. Basho is adapting sound into a word. Much more poetic than saying "Splash! Silence again." The "Silence again" may stay because of the reasons you put forward, but if you want a more "direct translation", plop would be better, I think.

No one is telling you that you can't like that translation, or that the English language is shit for haiku, so stop feeling attacked on a personal level because of other people's opinions.

drawn blinds leaking
spears of sunlight on the wall
patterns the classroom

>>9237422
Idk if you're trolling, but you quoted me (>>9237106), yet didn't use a word I said. I'm just talking about Basho's poem, not the entirety of English haiku. You stated long ago I misunderstood (>>9232409), and I corrected myself, also long ago. (>>9232423)

Can we stop pissing on trees yet? Neither of us are right or wrong. And the only thing we're giving this tread anymore is bumps.

>>9222857
English syllables are weird. The easiest way for ESL to understand it is to think of a syllable as a voiced vowel.

apart, two vowels, each voiced.
Thus, a-part, two syllables, a natural iamb as well.

English, two voiced syllables: Eng-lish.

In most cases, a pluralizing or making a noun possessive will not change its quantity of syllables, unless it ends with a vowel.

If it ends in a vowel, that vowel becomes voiced.
Voices: voic-es. However, voiced is still one syllable unless you accent the 'e' in -ed. This is common enough in older English poetry.
voiced: voiced (voict)
voicéd: voic-ed

>>9237438
>Drawn blinds leaking
>spears of sunlight on the wall

Right here you've completed the thought:
>patterns the classroom
Doesn't help with anything. It reopens the thought of the first two lines and leaves it hanging, begging for completion. Remember, haiku aren't about the color of the words it's about how well can you solidify and juxtapose two images. So "leaking" doesn't really benefit "spears". Not that it isn't a good image, but it's better for a poem than a haiku. You'd want "throwing" and "spears" because there's a clear correlation of the images used. It creates a more vivid image in your mind that really helps create the idea. So, for example, you could try:
>drawn blinds throwing
>spears of sharp, jagged sunlight
>awakened from sleep

It's not great, but maybe you can see more how the imagery and thought should work in the haiku. Its not all supposed the flow together, you want a clear cut separation of the two images that still connect together. So I took the weaponry and deathly imagery of the spear, yet had it give life by having it wake you up.

Hope that helps. Keep practicing! You're on the right track.

I will commit suicide
私は海を抱きしめていたい

Want some pussy
Titties too, but mostly I
Want some pussy

>>9238612

You couldn’t fit some ass on the metric?

File: Seamed Tan Stockings, Black Heels, Dangle (2).jpg (120KB, 909x707px) Image search: [Google]

120KB, 909x707px

cute girl on the train
dangles her shoe teasingly
my cock is throbbing