Rate my opening line

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>>9218673

>>9218673
oh the edge/10

Its shit
What's the next line?

>>9218673
That's what i call edgy

neither is useful or practical

first part implies a self-conscious effort to be noticed
second part destroyed the efficacy of the first

it simplies implies nothing happened, might as well leave that sentence blank and start the book from the next part

I really like the first one

>>9218673

Either version is terrible.

I don't even get what you're driving at, it's like two completely different statements smashed together, without ideas linking them.

>>9218735
Maybe that's what I'm going for. Retard lol.

>>9218742

Ok then mission accomplished. You wrote a terrible, nonsensical sentence.

I guess you're blaming the audience for not getting your genius. That'll get you real far.

OMG, how did she respond? I'm on the edge of my edge

>>9218755
Sorry I'm 2deep4u pleb.

Next line: He walked away from the bathroom mirror.

All these people are criticizing the same thing. I like it op, it's nice you're not writing a Victorian novel. These people are confusing fiction with textbooks. This thread is why this board is so woeful in discussion of poetry. It's like I stumbled on fucking /sci/

>>9218673
Are you old enough to drink alcohol yet? If so, start now.

kill yourself tomorrow desu

Kind of edgy, but I like it still. The first one is best.

>>9218673
Both are bad. The grammar doesn't make sense either. If you want to highlight the contradictory nature of what you're saying it would be best to structure your two lines in separate sentences. Furthermore, what you're saying is entirely obvious. I could dig the emotion you're trying to convey but it's so spelled out - why not have a sucidal circle around the topic (witout expressing it) while trying to bring up the nerve to talk to the character in person? Something nice and direct with a steady scene and sense of suspension.

>>9218778
Also, this is a terrible attitude towards criticism.

>>9218673
>Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her, "I'm going to kill myself tomorrow."

The scene I get from this is of a man preparing to a goodbye to the woman he loves in light of his suicide. The fact I can get this from it without it being explicitly said is good thing. However, it's rather silly considering that if the first part is to be taken as stream of consciousness and the second part as dialogue, then it actuallly makes no sense and not in the artistic way. If he's planning a goodbye then he's already decided to commit suicide; why would he mention at this point, what's the justification for it? It's redundant and it's easy to tell that he's only saying it for exposition. It's classic style over substance. I like it, but it's vacuous.

>>9219263
Not OP but you're sticking your nose in somewhere that it doesn't have any business in. The grammar is fine, and you're telling him how to write his own story. You don't actually know the scene either so whatever you think is "spelled out" isn't.

>>9219270
>I like it, but it's vacuous.
no shit, it's a sentence with NO context lmao

>>9219324

I gave you my explanation, anon. I told you what I got from it. It's vacuous even if you gave it context by what I told you. Either accept criticism and start a dialogue or don't write.

why wait until tomorrow faggot

>>9219339
not OP, just having a laugh at the imaginary criticism in this thread.

>>9219353

It's not imaginary, anon. There's no line that can follow that one that would make this a good line. It literally has the character talk JUST for exposition. It's blantant and cheap. There's no reason for the character to say that apart from establishing context. The writer doesit for style points. How do you disagree?

>>9219374
You're very narrow-minded.

>>9219374
You never talk to yourself in the mirror?

>>9219398

Not really, anon. I'm just giving you an opinion and you don't like it. This is an invitation for you offer an opposing opinion. I even asked you for it. This line isn't bad in and of itself. It's bad for an openning line. If you want to have two trains of thought coincide, you would have to establish them previously. You need a precedent for him to say "i'm going to kill myself tomorrow" that isn't cheap exposition. And you need a context for why both trains of thoughts are haplening simultaneously which can't possibly be satisfied as the openning line of a story. Hell, OP even said that the following line is "He walked away from the bathroom mirror". What reason then would he had had to say "im going to kill myself tomorrow"? to himself in the bathroom. It's all style, no substance.

>>9219414

Yes, I have, but not while im explicitly thinking of something else. Why isn't he saying "Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her." into the mirror instead? Why would he be thinking about that in the form of dialogue yet say something else. It's a non-sequitur. Usually, when you talk to yourself in the mirror you don't have two conversations at the same time.

>>9219437
Your gonna have to read and find out! Have I piqued your interest?

>>9219462
Also in writing this book with female readers in mind and I'm trying to grab them asap. The man is not the main character. The woman is.

>>9219462

No. the most interesting part of your post was "Rate my openning line". Why ask for criticism if you're not going to participate?

shit/10

Please rate mine desu
>Imagine a monster. It can be whatever horrific entity that instantly comes into your mind; be it tentacled lovecraftian horror, murderous gremlin or even a particularly vehement idea.

>>9219527
Absolute garbage kys.

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>>9219540

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Is it better to open a book off with a statement or a question?

>>9219306
>a man asks for criticism
>he's given criticism

This is reddit levels of hugboxing.

>>9218673
>people who don't open their writing with a dialogue tag or an event
>>9219306
But the grammar isn't fine, if you're going to use a speech tag you should include speaker or leave it as a separate sentence.

>>9219469
Why didn't you SAY so? That makes it brilliant. Add in something about abs and you're golden.

>>9219563
Statement. Even of the work is ultimately delivering a lack of certainty, this is only satisfying if the narrative actually begins with confidence, and then undoes itself in a panicky, drawn out fuddle.

Go with "OR"

holy.... I want more

>>9218673
is Kirsten the most gorgeous actress?

>>9220279
In the virgin suicides yes