Does /lit/ know any funny jokes?

>>9126151
A man walks up to a tree and says "I'm looking for Al" and hears "hoo"

H. Dreyfus vs AI research in the 60s-70s

Funniest article on Wikipedia tbqh.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hubert_Dreyfus's_views_on_artificial_intelligence

>>9126151
Your taste in literature.

>>9126166
kinda wanna cut you desu

>>9126151

yes but it's neverending

>>9126175

It's also not very funny

>>9126187
*farts*
HAHAHAHA

>>9126151
A drunk walks up to a cop tells him, someone stole my car
The cop looks at him and says, where'd you leave it
The guys tells him, right here on the this key
Cop looks at him and says, I dunno man you better go down to the precinct house and report it.
The drunk says ok starts walking off
The cop looks at him, and says hey man before you go, you better zip up your fly
The drunk looks down and says aw manthey took my girl too

>>9126151
Finnegans Wake

Two trotskysts get on an elevator
by the time they get out there are 3 factions

>>9126335
kek

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knock knock

>>9126378
come on in nigga it open

>>9126393
Thomas Pynchon

>>9126167
who the fuck would be offended by this?

>>9126395
Thomas Pynchon who?

>>9126423
Thomas Pynch-on your nose!
*pinches on your nose*
(my name is Thomas)

>>9126151
A brunette swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired and drowns.
A red head swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired and drowns.
A blond swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired, so she turns around and swims back to shore.

>>9126437

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

>>9126459
Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Deutsche geht ums Eck.
Bus ist weg.
Türke geht ums Eck.
Bus ist weg.
Pole geht ums Eck.
Eck ist weg.

Sam Harris walks into a bar.
What else was he supposed to do?

>>9126581
Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

>>9126335
Soviet jail cell:

"What you in for?"
>I was for Osip. You?
"I was against Osip."
>How about that guy?

I'm Osip.

>Who can give a summary of the Song of Roland?
"Never put all your Basques in one exit."

>AOI

How do you know the Lubyanka is the tallest building in Moscow?

You can see Siberia from the basement.

>>9127801
American to Russian:
"In America I have the freedom to stand in front of the White House and yell 'Reagan sucks.'"

Russian to American:
"So what? I have the freedom to stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'Reagan sucks.'"

What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski

>>9127777
That's funny, but so esoteric that one guy in the audience might laugh. Also, doesn't Song of Roland say it was the "Saracens" who decimated the rearguard?

>>9127821

How many Moscow cops does it take to make a traffic stop?

3: one to read, one to write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals

>>9126151
Sisyphus being happy

sam harris

>>9127833
Yeah, but that is poetic license. The Basques were mostly pagan, and the real Roland used some of the muslims as mercenaries.

>>9127841
Post-Soviet mobster 1: "Aren't you gonna kill him?"
Post-soviet mobster 2: "Look at your Rolex. It's five after five. I'll kill him tomorrow."

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

One anon posted in the Deleuze thread:
why did deleuze keep his fingernails long?

so he could play his guitarry

Then I have some:
Why are so many black people hit by cars during the winter?
Easier to see them in the snow

How many jews can you fit in a car?
Depends on how big the ashtray is

How do you get a jewish girl's number?
Roll up her sleeve

my diary desu

>>9127975
I must be a brainlet because this makes no sense to me. I laughed, but I feel like I'm missing a reference. Is this a subversion of the classic folktale structure where the third iteration is a twist on the first two?

>>9126151
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?". To which the second muffin replies "Holy Cow, a talking muffin!"

>>9127975

This has me in honest to god tears

>>9127975
Brilliant.

>>9127994
It's a hairy dog joke.

"Everybody Knows Jerzy"

>Hey, you hear what Jerzy did today?
Who's Jerzy?
>You kidding? Everybody knows Jerzy. Come on. Jerzy.
I don't know who you're talking about.
>Come with me. See that cab driver?
Yeah.
>Hey. Cabbie. Do I know you?
No, buddy. Never seen you before
>You hear what Jerzy did today?
Of course. He...
>See? Let's go downtown.
...
>See the mayor at that table? HEY MAYOR YOU HEAR ABOUT JERZY?
THE ABSOLUTE MAD MAN
>Everybody knows Jerzy.
Impossible.
>We're flying to Italy
...
>Ok. This is St Peter's Square. Look up there. That's the Pope on the right.
I recognize the Pope. Oh, excuse me. Yes? Can I help you stranger?

"Who is that guy in the funny hat standing next to Jerzy?"

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funny how?

I would tell a joke about Jim Jones, but the punch line is too long.

>>9127975
fuck

Q. Who are the four greatest Portuguese poets of the 20th century? A. Fernando Pessoa.

>>9127975
I don't get it.

>>9126437
Aryan genetics

>>9127705
Read the punchline as
>Is that all you think of people
And it was much funnier that way

>>9127975
Holy shit dude, I went full fucking Muttley Whiplash on my friend over discord from this, for like ten minutes.

I used to tell a joke like this where the narrator is a guy at a bar with a big orange head, and his third wish is to have the big orange head.

This version is so much better.

>>9126151
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

>>9130027
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_CUjf8qA9M

Beat this

What do a bass and a bāss have in common

A man walks in to a bar. To him, the bar is the only place that feels like home.

However, the bar only feels like home when he's drunk. The drunk version of that man lives in the bar, but the sober man has no home!

He realizes this on the twenty or so steps to his beer and whiskey, and it is very painful. He drops to his knees and let's out a cry of sorrow.

...

No good? Let me do the short version.

A man walks into a bar; ouch!

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A bear was walking through a forest. It saw a car on fire, sat down and burnt to death.

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>>9126166
I have recently begun studying A.I. and am very fascinated by the field. I never was so naive as to be sure human-like or even better-than-human machines would be developed through the process of formalizing everything. However, in my heart, the burning desire to build such an intelligent agent still resides.

The article was a nice read. It seems to me more like Dreyfus had a strobg intuition (just like almost anybody during that time) that the process was faulty. However, his arguments are unsubstantiated and improper. Everything he argued could be reduced to "yeah, but do you REALLY think we can be represented through such simple symbols?" or "Do you think it's really THAT easy?"

And I'd like to ask you - what do you think about the current statistical and probabilistic approach to A.I?

Knock. Knock.

>>9130450
Who's there?

>>9130453
Me, because I'm replying to myself.

If you like this joke let me know

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>>9126151
There once was a Hedgehog that spent 2 years learning to breath out of his bottom.
One Day he sat in a puddle and drowned
XAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXA

>>9127975
this reads like a joke Norm Macdonald would tell, very funny - i'll be telling it a lot

>>9127994
Given that his wishes are so ridiculous you are expecting there to be some sort of explanation for his actions. The joke is that there is no explanation, he's just a fucking idiot.

>>9126151
Your one rep max

>>9130027
should be a whore, a slut, and a queer.

>>9127975
The praise this is getting just baffles me. Really reveals how low the power level is around here.

>>9130447
>And I'd like to ask you - what do you think about the current statistical and probabilistic approach to A.I?
I hope it can actually gives us answers to issues of philosophy of mind, particularly concerning non-neural resources, for example, proving the Extended Mind Theory would herald nothing less than a revolution.

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/embodied-cognition/#EmbCogExtMinThe

>>9126151
Descartes walks in to a bar and orders a beer. He drains it, and the bartender asks if he wants another.

he says "I think not" and disappears.

People with dark skin

>>9126609
ha, that's a good one

>>9127975
fuck all these replies for making me waste my time

What do you get when you cross a elephant and a clock? I don't know. Can you help me write jokes?

>>9130369
it was russian tier

>>9130463
it was also russian tier

>>9130369
Where did the bear get the saw? That wasn't explained.

>>9126151
"I didn't like the Iliad. Not to sound homer-phobic or anything, though."

Two Irishmen walk past a bar.

>>9126151
You have a great future ahead of you. *Ba Dum Tss*

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A blind man walks past a fish market and says "Hello ladies!"

What's the most important question for safe sex?

At what time does your husband get home?

ulysses is a great book

>>9129227
nice but he's more than four

these are all so awful , but I dont have anything either

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What's the worst thing about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills and Nash?

no Young

>>9126151
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A wooly jumper

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>>9127975

>>9130062
>asking me to click embed so I can view a joke
you drastically overestimate the amount of effort I'm willing to put into things

>>9127975
Jesus, I'm hysterical in public

>>9127989
jew one can be alternatively told as

>How do you fit 100 Jews in a small car?
>Two in the front, four in the back, and 94 in the ashtray.

>>9130062

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di4cmQO5mRk

this one's better

>>9126437
that's pretty good

>>9130548
u get agent 47
tim(e) from clock and olyphant from elephant

or u get a telephone
for trunk dial-ing

>>9127975
This one actually got me.

So there's this girl, called Rose Petal, and she has a brother called Fridge. One day, (she's now approaching that age of common sense), she goes up to her mother and asks: "Why the hell would you name me Rose Petal, mom?"
Her mother sighs, sits down, and tells her the story of her birth: "I called you that because, not long after your birth, you were lying under one of the flowers brought in for you at the hospital, and a tiny rose petal fell down and landed straight on your forehead. And you began to smile."
Rose is very satisfied with this explanation, and hurries to her brother to tell him about it.
"Fridge," she says, "You'll never believe how I got my name!"
And Fridge replies: "AWHUWHUU"

>>9126437
I don't get it

>>9131298
O it's just a shit joke lol

>>9131270
I know a very similar one:
A man meets three beautiful women.
The first one says: "When I was born, a rose fell on my head, and that's why my name is Rose!"
The second one says: When I was born, a daffodil fell on my head, and that's why my name is Daffodil!"
The man turns to the third one and asks what her name is. She turns to him and says: "TTRREEEEE!!"

>>9131298
She was already in the middle, but was too stupid to just keep swimming.

Two guys are walking when one of them says:
-Dude, I'm feeling horny today, I want to fuck a train so hard
The second one responds:
-Chugga-chugga-whoo-whooooooooooo!

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I needed this thread, thanks guys.

>>9130504
sorry we don't enjoy your true patrician humor

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>>9130450
>>9130453
>>9130458
>no one replied to this
don't worry I liked your joke, anon.

>>9130507
Ha

What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jews
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I can go on.

>>9126498
lel bretty gud

>>9126248
Live at the Texas Old Quarter?

>>9131728
Samefag

Who that

>>9127975
This was beautiful

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender turns to him and says
-Sir, no dogs allowed indoors.
The man replies
-This isn't just any dog, he can talk!
The bartender doesn't believe him, but the man continues
-If I can prove he can talk, would you let us stay
-If you can prove that dog can talk, you can drink for free the whole night
So the man turns to the dog and says
- What's on the top of a house
- Ruf!
-You see, a roof is on the top of a house!
The bartender calls bullshit, as any dog could say that, to which to man turns to his dog a second time.
-How is the job market out there?
- Ruf!
- See, the job market is rough!
The bartender gets angry and is getting ready to throw the man out of the bar. So the man turn to his dog once more
- Who's the greatest baseball player?
-Ruff!
-See, Babe Ruth!
The bartender is so fed up, he throws the man outside of the bar and into a snow drift. The dog walks up to his owner
-You think I should've said Dimaggio?

Why aren't koalas considered actual bears?

because they don't meet the . . . KOALA-fications!

david foster wallace was *not* the greatest writer to ever live

>>9130507
Audibly kekked.

How to kill 500 flies with one hit:
kick the Ethiopian kid.

>>9133344
>Samefag
Not samefag, I genuinely enjoyed his joke

You don't get sauce, meanie

>>9126437
>A brunette swims across a river.
>When she reaches the middle, she gets tired and drowns.

How did she swim across the river, in up in the middle, and then die? How does she drown and get tired if she got all the way across the river?

>>9130686
nice

This joke works best in a group, where you can name the men after people in the group. I suggest using a friend who easily gets his jimmies rustled for the third man, and yourself as one of the other two for solidarity.

Three men find themselves stranded on an island that is deserted but for a cannibalistic tribe, who capture them and take them to their chief. The chief says "You will be given a two-part test. If you fail either part, we will kill you, sacrifice you to the gods, and eat you."

"Ok, what's the first part?"

"Go into the forest and come back with ten of any kind if fruit. Ten bananas, ten apples, whatever. You will learn the second part when you return."

Off the men go. The first man comes back with ten oranges. "What's the second part?"

"You have to shovr all ten of those oranges up your ass without making any kind of sound or facial expression at all. If you can't we'll kill you, sacrifice you to the gods, and eat you."

The man thinks to himself, "There's no way, but it's for my life so I have to try." He begins to shove the first orange up his ass but can't help it, and screams out in pain. He is killed sacrificed and eaten.

The second man returns and he has ten grapes. The chief tells him the second part and reminds that if he fails he will be killed, sacrificed, and eaten. He thinks "Fuck, this is crazy, but it's for my life, I have to do it." He starta getting them up there one after the other, managing to not make any noise ir facial expression. He's got four, then five up there. "Shit, this sucks, just keep going" he thinks. Six, seven, eight. "God damn, it hurts so bad, but you're almost there!" Nine, and he's about to shove the tenth grape up his ass when he suddenly bursts out laughing. He is killed, sacrificed, and eaten.

The first and second man meet in heaven, where the first man screams at the other "What the fuck! You were so close! What the hell happened?!" The other replies "Couldn't help it. Saw the third guy coming back and he had ten pineapples.

>>9134287
source rights are protected under Geneva convention
the dignity of the source is untouchable

>>9134328
Same preface as this one.

Three friends (we'll call them Adam, Bryan, and Carl) die in a car accident on their way to shoot a round of golf. St. Peter meets them all at the pearly gates. The men are horrified until they learn they can play golf all day in heaven. "The only thing is," St. Peter tells them, "don't hit the ducks! God loves his ducks very much. Any man who hits a duck will be chained to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity."

Things are going pretty well, and after a couple weeks Adam amd Bryan see each other and Adam is chained to a horribly ugly woman. Bryan says "Hit a duck?" Adam says "Yup". A few days later Carl sees Bryan and he is chained to a horribly ugly woman. "Hit a duck?" "Yup." A few days after that, Adam sees Carl and Carl is chained to the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen! "How'd ya manage that, Carl" he asks, eyes wide and jaw open. "She hit a duck."

>>9134356
Probably should've clarified that the men are horrified that they are dead, not that they're getting into heaven, or that they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

>>9134356
Don't get it

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>>9127975
can't stop laughing

>>9130537
this honestly. i mean, i chuckled but all those replies made it seem like id be kekin.

>>9126151
What do you call a gay black airplane attendant having a seizure?

A nigger

>>9135514
Really? Carl is an ugly mother fucker.

>>9126151
what is the differemce between a jew and a pizza?

a pizza doesn't scream when it's put in an oven.

>>9135896
Oh. Haha.

>>9127975
Wow!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires

Why do elephants have large feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.

He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. It's called a Freudian slip - although in this case it was also something of a spoonerism. I did something similar this very morning: I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Could you please pass the toast, the marmalade and the butter,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

>>9134290
I bet you're just the life of the party

>>9127975
my sides are in orbit

>>9126151
What's better than fucking 18 year olds?

Fucking 19 of them.

>>9136109
what's worse than 3 babies in a dumpster?
one baby in 3 dumpsters.

So a guy gets in a car accident and is sent to heaven. God comes up to him and says
"Now that you are here you must obey the three rules of this plane"
"One, you must never swear"
"Easy enough says the crash victim"
"Two, you must not have sex"
"Well if that's the rule I guess I'll do my best"
"And finally and most importantly, you must never EVER look over the wall"
He points to a wall that runs over the horizon about 10 feet tall.
"If it is your will my lord" says the man.

One day while walking out of his room in the morning he Stubbs his toe and instinctively yells "MOTHER FUCKER" in pain. Realizing what he has done he goes to confess to god.
"God this morning I accidentally hurt myself and swore. I really am sorry and I won't do it again."
"Well it's no big deal. Just do your best."
"Thank you for your mercy my lord!"

The next day, as he was walking along a lake he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He went to talk to her and they immediately hit it off. After a perfect day, they finish it by making love. The next morning, knowing he is guilty, the man goes to accept his fate from god.
"God, I have broken your second rule. I gave in to my desire and had sex."
God says" Not everyone adjusts to that rule quickly. I will let this pass this one time"
"Thank you lord for your mercy." The man says as hebows and leaves.

After some time and on a day he happened upon the wall, he became incredibly curious. "What could be beyond heaven?" Thought the man. The question filled his mind until it compelled him to take a ladder and climb the wall. He reached the top rung and poked his head over the wall. On the other side a fleet of heads turned and stared directly at him in shock. The man jumped off the ladder and collected his breath, terrified by what he had just seen.

He immediately ran to god.
"My lord, I could not control my curiosity. I looked over the wall and the people beyond saw me!"
"SERIOUSLY?" God asked.
The man nodded in shame.
"SHIT! That was the mormons. They think they are the only ones here!"

>>9130038
crude but good

I know two knock knock jokes

> Knock Knock
> Who's there?
> To
> To who?
> To whom*

> Knock Knock
> Who's there?
> Peanut butter
> Peanut butter who?
> Peanut butter whom*

>>9136077
You're assuming he ever leaves his mothers basement.

>>9130504
Post a joke.

>>9130927
so brave

>>9136109
You told this horribly

> What's the best thing about fucking twenty one year olds?
> There's twenty of them.

I was walking home the other day when a young black guy came tearing past me in the other direction on a red bike. I thought "shit, that looked just like mine!" and ran the rest of the way home to check. It was fine though, he was still chained up in the broom cupboard shining my shoes.

>>9126151

Conservative politics

>>9127975
i don't get it but i'm still laughing is it normal?

A guy is going down on a woman, really going to town, when suddenly he has to stop because a fat cold wad of rancid horse jizz has plopped into his mouth. He sits back gagging and choking with horsecum bubbling out of his nose and says "oh grandma, so that's how you died".

>>9136075
This is one of my favorite jokes to tell

Who invented copper wire?
Two jews who fought over a cent

>>9136125
this take me back to high school

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
the holocaust

How do you get an elephant into a Safeway?

>>9136711
Something about a woman being fat?

>>9136780
You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

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post /lit/ humour

I like the story of the boy with the golden screw for a belly button.

>>9136818
um....

humanities

>>9127705
This is actually really good

>>9139028
It is very anti-semitic therefore cannot be good

>>9136237
fucking kek

>>9136561
What's worse than the holocaust?

Six million jews.

>>9126151
>Does /lit/ know any funny jokes?
very clearly not

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What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

>>9133318
Van Zandt 4 life

>>9126158
I don't get it?

does that read as "AL" or "ai"?

>>9136711
>>9136818

what

If we're going to start a war on terror then wouldn't the the best place to start would be this country's haunted houses?

>>9126151
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

>>9136818
there's no f in way

>>9130369
????????????

>>9126166
It sounds like he is assigning human cognition some bullshit metaphysical property. Of course a general artificial intelligence won't behave exactly like a human but why does that rule out a potential mapping between certain areas of biological/machine cognition? Might have to check out some of this jew's shit.

>>9126151
Two rednecks, Dale and Jim Bob, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Dale went in to see the counselor at the local CC college, who signed him up for math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" Dale asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!"

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, Dale said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Dale was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Dale, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked JIm Bob.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied Dale.

"Logic? What's that?"

"Well, I'll demonstrate. Jim Bob, do you own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're fuckin' gay."

A kindergarten teacher decided one day that she would have her students practise their spelling as they came in from the schoolyard.

When Timmy came in, she asked him, "Timmy, what did you do outside?"

"I played in the sandbox," he replied.

"That's very nice," she said. "If you can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie!"

"S-A-N-D," said Timmy. The teacher congratulated him and gave him a cookie.

Next, little Sally came in. "Sally," asked the teacher, "what did you do outside?"

"I played in the sandbox with Timmy," she replied.

"Wow!" said the teacher. "If you can spell 'box', I will give you a cookie."

"B-O-X!"

The teacher gave Sally a cookie.

After Sally came Jamal.

"What did you do outside, Jamal?" asked the teacher.

"I tried to play in the sandbox with Timmy and Sally," he replied, "but they said that it was a 'whites only' sandbox."

"Well then," said the teacher. "If you can spell 'racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie!"

>>9131346
stupid, but fitter.

>>9127975
This shouldn't be as funny as it is.

>>9127975
I laughed at this for like ten minutes straight

A bus full of nuns crashes, and they all die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they're met by St. Peter.
"Well ladies, eternal paradise is right ahead, but if you've broken your vow of celibacy you'll have to cleanse the offending body part in this holy fountain before I can let you in", he says, so a bunch of them line up.
The first nun approaches the fountain and says, "When I was still a novice I gave a handjob to one of the priests", and St. Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water. All of the sudden a scuffle erupts when one nun tries to butt in line. "What's all this commotion about?" asks Peter, and the nun says, "If I'm going to have to rinse my mouth out with that water, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

>>9130507
Not bad

>>9127975
>>9131270
>>9131333
noice

This is legendary if you have an hour to spare (you start off waiting for the punch line, but then you get sucked into the story because it's actually good and gets pretty emotional): natethesnake.com

>>9127975
What's so funny about this shit

>>9139797
it's a shaggy dog story

>>9130862
kek

>>9139337
lol

A guy's wife gets into a car accident and is in a coma. The man is terrified and sad and asks the doctor, "Well, doc, is there anything we can do?"

"There's a certain experimental method we're not sure of but that may work," the doc suggests; "If you perform oral sex on her, you may just raise her heartrate enough and shock her back into consciousness."

"OK," the man says, clearly willing to try it, and the doctor gives him some privacy to do it. He comes back out the room a few minutes later and says, "Doc, it didn't do anything, she just started choking!"

>>9139800
>shaggy dog story
Ah. Burger humour. Now I understand. Thanks anon.

Have you heard the one where a dyslexic guy walks into a bra?

>>9139370
AL, say it out loud

>>9139429
I really liked Omon Ra

>>9139503
>posting this on /lit/
>expecting me not to get triggered
why

>>9139947
Is the punchline just that there is an owl in the tree that responds to him?

>>9126378
It's the police mam your son was killed by an alcohol

Anyone have the story about how Mike tyson got his name? Some litizen wrote it and it ed one of the best things I've ever read on this board

What do you call a baby frog

A tadpole

>>9139957
Yeah

>>9140028
Man I really overthought that one.

>>9126158
>he pronounced owl and Al the same
Canadian genocide when?

>>9139797
Nothing. It's dogshit. I can't understand in the slightest the recognition this has gotten.

>>9139979
This is about as funny as the joke with 20 replies.

>>9130355
Dazai is that you?

>>9140057
Yes

>>9140059
Just wanted to tell you that you're a faggot who needs to rewrite the epilogue to No Longer Human

>>9139781

i spent about a half hour reading this
i think i am going to go kill myself now

>>9131346
I thought it was that she was too stupid to drown.

There's this king and he loves his horse. However his horse has been crying non stop for a few days. The King says that whoever can cheer up the horse will get half of his kingdom.
Many try but they all fail. Then, a gypsy comes and says that he can do it. He enters the horses barn and after 5 minutes he is out. The horse is laughing and all seems well.
After a week, the King calls back thr gypsy and tells him that the horse has been laughing all the time, and that he wants his horde to cry instead.
The gypsy goes back in the barn and the horse starts crying again. The King then asks the gypsy what did he do to the horse.
Thr gypsy says :"First time I told the horse that my dick is bigger than his so he started laughing. The second time I showed him my dick so he started crying.

>>9138046
>>9139386
>>9139396
this joke only works if spoken.

the punchline is: there is no f in way. as in, "there is no effin' way."

>>9140219
>effin'

reddit

>>9130472
Yes. Reminds me of his moth joke.

>>9128047
Learn how to you quotes and other punctuation

>>9129242
Blondes aren't aryan

A man walks in to a bar and says

[spolier] reply to this post or your mother will die in her sleep tonight [/spoiler]

>>9139503
Norm Macdonald does this joke.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oseqh7SMIvo

During the days when Native Americans were being forcibly and systematically removed from their ancestral lands, a small band of Cherokee had managed to elude the U.S. cavalry by using secret refuges in the Appalachian mountains. The only advantages they had were a particularly brutal winter that made navigating the mountains impossible for anyone without an intimate knowledge of them, and the brilliant leadership of their cunning war chief, Black Wolf.

Now Black Wolf was getting on in years, and he had never married or had any offspring. He knew the time was coming for him to name a successor, and his intended candidate was his nephew: Falling Rocks, so called because of the way he would fall on the enemy with the fury of a rock slide. However, the other members of the tribe would think that he favored Falling Rocks due to his kinship, rather than merit. Some in the tribe would rather he name another brave, Tall Bear, to be the new war chief. Tall Bear was perhaps the mightiest warrior in the tribe, but he was brash and impulsive-- he had no mind for strategy, and won his battles on brute force alone. Falling Rocks, however, was a tactician and leader. He knew when to fight, when to flee, and when to try diplomacy. Black Wolf knew that the future of his tribe depended on more than merely being a skilled warrior.

To reconcile the two sides, Black Wolf announced that the new war chief would be decided by a test, and invited all who were interested to participate. Seven braves met him atop a rocky peak, just as the spring thaw began to open the mountain routes.

"This is a test to determine who shall be the new war chief," Black Wolf addressed the assembled warriors, "You will walk in the direction of the setting sun, and return. Whoever travels the farthest shall be my successor. This test has no end-- only you can decide when you have traveled far enough."

The braves pack their belongings and depart the camp that evening, with Tall Bear and Falling Rocks racing to be the first through the pass. Despite being rivals, there was no animosity between them. They had fought alongside each other many times, and each felt that the other pushed him to his fullest potential.

After a few days, one of the braves returned. "I saw a great village of the whites, with more people than I ever knew lived on this world. It was heavily patrolled by soldiers and I felt I could go no further."

A few weeks pass, and another brave returns to the camp. "I visited vast lakes so large I thought they were part of the ocean, but the water was fresh, not salty. I encountered a great thunderous waterfall of tremendous power. At this point, I felt I could go no further."

A month passes, and the third brave makes his way back. "I saw a mighty river, larger than any I had seen before. I could find no way to cross its muddy waters, and was forced to turn back."

>>9140642
Another month passes until another brave returns from his quest. "I made it to vast plains, with no trees in sight. Mighty horned beasts grazed in herds beyond counting. Their hooves shook the ground like thunder. I dared not risk being lost to the anger of these creatures, and had to turn back.

Months pass, and the fifth brave returns to the tribe. "On my travels I discovered another range of mountains. Unlike ours, these were sharp and jagged, piercing the sky with their height. I thought that this must be the backbone of the world, but I could find no way to cross them, and could go no further.

Still, neither Falling Rocks nor Tall Bear had returned, and the tribe had been severely weakened without them. They could not access their hunting grounds, which were now overrun with whites, and winter was once again threatening to seize the mountains in ice. The elders of the tribe were pressuring Black Wolf to name his successor now, because they could not survive waiting around for anyone else to return. Black Wolf held out for as long as he could, every day sitting on the peak where he had issued his challenge, watching the pass for the return of his nephew. Finally, the rest of the tribe had had enough, and demanded that he name the brave who most recently returned as war chief. Just then, a lone figure staggered through the mountain pass, wrapped in buffalo skins and holding some sort of strange shell. It was Tall Bear.

"I walked until I encountered another ocean. It was similar to ours, but I could tell it was also quite different. The life that inhabits it was unlike what we catch in our waters. However, I could find no way to go any further."

Black Wolf knew that he couldn't wait for Falling Rocks any longer, and named Tall Bear the new war chief, but every day he would go to the peak and watch the pass for his nephew. Eventually the cold winter air struck him with an illness that he knew he would not survive. Calling Tall Bear and the other braves to him, he told them that he still knew in his heart that Falling Rocks was still alive, and it was his dying wish to have the tribe always keep vigil for when he returns. Tall Bear and the other braves swore to never stop waiting for their brother in battle.
And that's why, to this day, when traveling in those mountains, you can still see signs that say "Watch for Falling Rocks"

>>9140044

Maybe it's your problem then m80

>>9140044
>unironic autism

>>9140646
I chuckled inside.

>>9140390
n-nani

>>9130862
I SAY COLT 45 TWO ZIG ZAGS
BABY THAT'S ALL WE NEED
TAKE YOU TO THE PARK AFTER DARK
AND SMOKE THAT TUB O' WEED

>>9140390
damn did u fvck vp

>>9140390
learn 2 spoiler stupid newfag

What do you call a black man with six legs?

A pianist

What do you call a black man with five legs?

A one-legged pianist

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

>>9140390
**your gay**

>>9140390
lame and sage

>>9127975

This joke weeds out the Krauts from the Anglos.

t. Anglo who has a sense of humour and found it fucking hilarious

>>9142779
You should go ahead and join your Anglo friends on reddit then buddy

woman's rights

x and e^x were strolling down the street until they saw a derivative operator. x got frightened and squeaked "eek! i'm afraid i'll turn to 1 then to nothing!", e^x said "i'll deal with him, he can try anything he wants, i can take it". e^x walked up to the operator and the last thing he heard was "well hello, im dt/dx".

>>9140390
Kill yourself

>>9140390
[/spoiler] bless you mom [/spoiler]

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

>>9143083
ARE NOT A JOKE!
Fucking /pol/ has ruined this site.

>>9127825
an il-2 sturmovik

>>9139797
its an antijoke

>>9127825
Why Panski?

Just because -ski is a polish thing to put at the end of names?

Might as well name him Peter Poland

>>9143989
oh, so it's not supposed to be funny. How hilarious!

>>9129984
Look up Norm Macdonald if you don't know him. He's a master of these stupid fucking time-waster jokes. My favorite go-to is The Moth Joke.

>>9130038
I SAID TO MY GIRLFRIEND YOU KNOW I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE PUSSY

SHE SAYS ME TOO MINES AS BIG AS A HOUSE

>>9139781
i read it. that ending tho omg

>>9144873
His Conan appearances are amazing, as are his Letterman appearances.

>>9144874
The prostitute gets naked and the guy says "HOLY COW YOU HAVE A BIG PUSSY!"
--
"HOLY COW YOU HAVE A BIG PUSSY!""

>>9145908
Why'd you say that twice?

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

>>9146102
The second one is the echo. Because big.

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

You roll up her sleeve.

>>9140390
kek'd

>>9127975
underrated

>>9140390
Alright.

>>9140646
meh

>>9136711
Take away his credit card

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman

Zero.

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>>9146883
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_vqIXhqBE4

>>9126151
ur life

>>9127975
TEARS

LITERAL

TEARS

>>9130458
>not "samefag"
ya blew it

>>9147630
hah

What did the leper say to the prostitute?


Keep the tip

>>9140390
fuckyou

A man who believes himself to be a kernel of grain is taken to a mental institution, where the doctors attempt to convince him otherwise. Once finally cured and ready to leave, the man comes crashing back into the building with a horrified look across his face. He claims there is a chicken outside the door, and it wants to eat him. The doctor responds "my dear fellow, you know very well that you are not a kernel of grain but a man." "Of course I know", replies the patient, "but does the chicken?"

>>9126151
an irishman walks out of a bar.

>>9144873
the dirty johnny one is great too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0iXXAgnhM

>>9140390
sage'd

>>9144053
Basically. Heard it on a movie. Made me laugh. Shrug a lug my man.

>>9146892
A classic favorite.

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Cormac McCarthy passed through a land reminsicent of some tumultous Christian reckoning done in ages long since past and biblical to the men who did not know it and passed through the chapparal and burunda grass laid down flat by the unrepentant beating of the suns uncaring rays until the land cracked and split and died through long ages past in and of the worlds unceasing turning until the very lifeblood of the streams and rivers evaporated into a vast and seemless sea.

He walks into a bar.
He spits.

>>9143195
>dx/dt

ftfy

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

What do you call a Jedi sandwich?

Obi-Wan Baloney

>>9128842
not bad.

not great, but not bad.

>>9148308
Give Zizek his joke back.

>>9141691
>TUB O' WEED

Fucking kek. It's "tumbleweed", dipshit.

>>9131001
While you're being held down and raped, Neil Young creeps around getting all your dogs stoned.

Fucking hate it when he does that.

>>9127975
Pretty funny I'll admit

>>9130062
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQBLzotAn3M

>>9149055
Fucked that up in a few places but tub of weed is genuinely a hilarious misunderstanding

>>9136895
A dead child is like pudding. The proof is in the fact that he probably looked like pudding when he got hit by that car. And I think it's time you be pudding his chocolate memory to rest.

>>9140045
No, it's not. You're a bitter scumbag who doesn't get comedy.

>>9140646
that joke fucking sucks

>>9141691
>AND SMOKE THAT TUB O' WEED
Got me

>>9127705
kek nice

Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?

>someone lost a quarter

How many Jews can you fit in a volkswagon?

>2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 20 in the ashtray

>>9142779
the only funny part was how his account had 1,000,000,003.50 in it after his wish... Looking at all the replies I was expecting a bunch of little zingers like that leading up to the big punchline then nothing.

Fuck you

>>9130062
Conan's head is so fucking huge god damn

all i could come up with is that in the end death comes for us all

it's not really all that funny

>>9140390
lrn2spoiler faggot

>>9143880
Tryhards like you have ruined this site.

>>9147630
lel

A young boy and his grandpa are out on a small boat for an afternoon of fishing. The grandpa takes out a beer from the cooler, cracks it open, and takes a swig. The kid asks if he can have one. The grandfather replies, "can you stick your penis in your asshole?" Of course the kid says no, to which the grandfather says "then you're not old enough.

Disappointed the kid goes back to fishing. Then the grandfather takes out a cigar, and lights it up. The kid asks if he can try as well. "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" "No?" "Then you're not old enough.

Sulking, the young boy takes out a package of cookies he brought for the fishing trip, and starts munching away. The grandfather asks if he can have one. The kid asks "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" The grandfather, wise to the scheme replies that he can in fact stick his penis into his asshole. So the kid says, "then you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"

>>9149164
Nah. It's a very low level of comedy. There's nothing clever about being intentionally stupid.

>hurrrr it's so not funny that it's funny that it's not funny and absurd lol
>omg! It's like, so bad it's good hahah
Kill yourselves.

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Hey anon, how ya doin'? Alright? OK. I'll tell ya, the other day I saved a gal from being raped. That's right: I changed my mind!

>>9149860
But that's not the essence of what's funny about that other joke. And you proved that by thinking you could reduce it to your one. It's not a "pilot was a loaf of bread" type thing at all. They are not equivalent.

>>9149378
go start a world war, karl-heinz