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Anonymous
Short prose- help capturing the mood? 2017-02-15 02:13:11 Post No. 9107369
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Short prose- help capturing the mood? 2017-02-15 02:13:11 Post No. 9107369
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This is about a boy and girl who were best friends but drifted apart from each other. They still have a lot in common, but it feels different and he just wants things to go back to how they were.
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They sat in silence suffused with short questions.
“How have you been lately?”
“Fine, you?”
“Same.”
The words between the two seemed so natural, yet so cut short, like the time he was 12 and oblivious until the phone rang and his aunt was dead.
They sat pondering what to say, for both of them were in shambles yet neither wanted to show weakness. She tapped her fingers against the couch nervously. He remembered her endearing tic from last summer, where they spent hours on the same leather couch, open and exposed and yearning to finally share all their feelings with someone who understood.
He seemed to trip on his own tongue. He knew the girl had universes inside her; secrets too deep to ever leave her eyes; ideas, doubts that he himself hadn't even considered yet. He looked timidly from under his bangs before again casting his head down at his hands gripping the couch.
He'd never tell anyone, but when he was alone, he'd plan conversations in his head. When he experienced anything, the first thing he'd think of was how he would tell her about it. Whenever he'd even browse the internet, he'd see a picture he knew she'd laugh at and he'd save it. Yet the conversations lingered only on his mind, and the pictures remained unsent.
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This is horrible
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>>9107376
Why? Pls give help, I wrote this in 5 minutes but I can hardly think at all
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>>9107369
>The words between the two seemed so natural, yet so cut short, like the time he was 12 and oblivious until the phone rang and his aunt was dead.
Don't use "so" that often. The second part of this sentence is terrible nonsense.
>He knew the girl had universes inside her; secrets too deep to ever leave her eyes; ideas, doubts that he himself hadn't even considered yet
Don't fucking use semicolons like that. the sentence begins with "he knew" and end with "hadn't considered yet" that doesnt make fucking sense.
Not interesting or well written, sorry dudeman
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>>9107369
Let's fix this up buddy. Let's add some fucking pizzazz to this. You're good, but you're not provocative enough, not expressive. You have to learn to say more with less. You have to get in touch with your feminine side. Let's try this again, with a more emotional, artistic standpoint to it.
The starstruck lovers silently sat suffused with short questions. Short as something else which was ruining their relationship.
“How have you been lately?”
“Fine, you?”
“Same.”
The words between the two seemed so natural, yet so cut short, like the time he was 12 and oblivious until the phone rang and the Twin Towers had fell.
They sat pondering what to say, for both of them were in shambles yet neither wanted to show their broken sense of masculinity. She tapped her fingers against her cunt nervously. He remembered her "endearing" so-called fucking "tic" from last summer, where they spent hours on the same leather couch, fucking tapping her fingers on her cunt like some fucking slut.
He seemed to take a trip of three steps on his own tongue to tap on the palate at three. Boo-da-be-doo-bop-bop-bang! He knew the girl had universes inside her wondrous brown sparkling twinkling mysterious ebony-lashed seadeep eyes; secrets too deep to ever leave her seadeep ebony-lashed eyes; ideas, doubts that he himself hadn't even considered yet, because who the fuck did you expect him to be, Socrates? He looked like some fucking castrated pussy from under his shitcolored bangs before again casting his head down at his hands gripping the couch epileptically like he was some fucking Dostoyevsky or something.
He'd never tell anyone, but when he was alone, he'd plan elaborate gross sex in his head in which he was sodomized with a broomstick by her. When he experienced anything, the first thing he'd think of was how she would laugh contemptuously at it. Whenever he'd even browse the internet, he'd see a picture he knew she'd laugh sadistically at and he'd save it, jacking himself off over it. Yet the conversations lingered only on his mind, and the pictures remained unsent, like the fucking fag that he was.
Now that's true art, buddy. Send that shit to a publisher and you're fucking MADE, instead of your fucking pussy Jane Austen shit you're writing in the OP. Have you ever tried writing like a fucking redpilled man, m8? What are you, a fucking LIBERAL? Get the fuck off of my board if you are.
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>>9107391
It's okay, thanks though. I might try writing it again when I can think clearly, but I've found I can only really capture anger well in my writing, not much else. Is there any way to get better?
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>>9107380
It reads like the plot synopsis of a sitcom doing a "dramatic" dream sequence episode
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>>9107401
Thank you for this, made me laugh. I wanted to sound like one of those authors tumblr girls faun over (John Greenfags) but no idea how to not come off like a total fag
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In the meantime though, if anyone has some good (short-ish) prose to try to emulate, would appreciate it.
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>>9107369
Read your work and change/add words and word order so it flows.
> so cut short
At least: cut so short.
Better: but restrained, halting and hesitant
I wouldn't buy the book, but some children will read about other children; especially girls if you give them romance (even if the guy doesn't understand no but somehow there's a happily ever after).
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Show, don't tell.
Also, edit. For the love of god, edit.
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