Help me sort out this opening paragraph /lit/, its a jumble of

>>9096973
Is this something you wrote?

I'd personally cluster setting description together, rather than fragment it with character description (but feel free to do otherwise)

So I'd reconstruct it as: That winter was colder than usual. There was an icy mist which clung around for most of the day. The fountains in the centre of the courtyard had frozen up mid-flow somehow, like ice sculptures. The buildings were full of students with their hats and scarves and coats piled up all over the seats. I bought myself a long black coat which went down to the knees and a pair of black leather gloves. You could see your breath as you walked from one building to another across the frozen campus (not really a fan of the phrasing of this last sentence but I cant think of any obvious ways to improve it)

>>9097002
Also more varied sentence length would make it flow a little better t b h

How is this?


THAT WINTER was unusually cold, and I wore a long black coat which went down to the knees and a pair of black leather gloves, and the buildings were full of students with their hats and scarves and coats piled up all over the seats. In the centre of the courtyard the fountains had frozen up mid-flow somehow, like ice sculptures. There was an icy mist which clung around for most of the day.

>>9097002
I'd put the breath line between the courtyard and the inside of the buildings simply following the big outer to the small inner.

That winter was unusually cold. An icy mist clung around for most of the days and you could see your breath as you walked from one building to another across the frozen campus. In the centre of the courtyard the fountains had frozen up mid-flow somehow, like ice sculptures. The buildings were full of students with their hats and scarves and coats piled up all over the seats. I bought myself a long black coat which went down to the knees and a pair of black leather gloves.

You going for autism?

>>9096973
don't change it. You present a lot of different, varied imagery. The context can make it beautiful, or render it worthless.

The work is what matters. I can pick out lines from Faulkner and Hemingway that suck.

>>9096973
You are creating! Don't come to this site. Work, work ,work! until you feel hopeless and then write more. You won't gain anything from posting here

>>9097002

'T was the coldest of winters. Dark icy mists clung around the campus, stealing betwixt the flow of feeble fountains feeding the wicked crystalline shapes that reminded him of what had been and what was to come. His coat, darkened and worn from seven years of torturous labour, went down only to his knees, leaving unveiled the bruised skin of his bare spindly legs. His numb feet dragged through glassy grass toward a window where were students seated among piles of hats and scarves and trinkets of the bourgeoisie. For their fathers and their futures he had toiled; yet he was still their laughing stock, an observer to injustice, a half-naked man. From his pocket he pulled the frozen steel and put it to his temple. His breath rose up past the window, expanded, then dissolved.

>>9097259
oops i meant to point that at OP but it don't matter too much

>>9097002

>So I'd reconstruct it as: That winter was colder than usual. There was an icy mist which clung around for most of the day. The fountains in the centre of the courtyard had frozen up mid-flow somehow, like ice sculptures. The buildings were full of students with their hats and scarves and coats piled up all over the seats. I bought myself a long black coat which went down to the knees and a pair of black leather gloves. You could see your breath as you walked from one building to another across the frozen campus (not really a fan of the phrasing of this last sentence but I cant think of any obvious ways to improve it)

I would just cut the last sentence out. It doesn't add new information. I know you can see your breath because it's cold enough to freeze the fountain. I know you're on campus because we're talking about students. I've been on a campus before and know you have to walk between buildings sometimes.