What does /lit/ think of my friends writing?

>>9080345
>My friend
You mean you.

The stresses of life were oft soothed when the hairs of a scalp took to new shape, or the devoured remnants of a beef pattie sat happily in the bowels of a once famished man. Men and women alike would congregate, partake in knowledge and the whispers of the world, and oftentimes tell of their embarkment from whence they came unto Canada.
A great number of that folk was of Jamaican origin, and those who shared not in kinship, but in fellowship, came from other lands which long ago were planted also in the Caribbean, so it was in commonplace that discussion did arise; the many things, which served to them as stumbling stones. Those who were more aged spoke not as fondly of their journey, for after the latter World War they came, hopeful and blithe; aspiring for better things, and they toiled in labourious tasks as cabmen, factory grunts, superintendents and domestics and were weary of the things which people of their semblance in skin endured. In spite of these turmoils, they lived still finer than in the caribbean, thus a great sum wished also to bring their kinfolk, but were denied by the fashioning of the bigoted materials inward the Immigration Act which impeded the travel of black west indians bound for our glorious land.
The fifth year of the fifth decade of the twentieth century after the murder of Christ, the West Domestic Scheme was wrought. It redeemed to a certain part the wrongs that our government committed; Women who departed Jamaica and Barbados to labour as domestics alone were allowed to immigrate: sundered from those whom they loved. At last in that age, which was 1962, the Immigration act became a free thing and families became once more banded together.
The government of our people also was to benefit; for it was found a great sum in those who were newly come: riches and productivity, and the governors of the caribbean discovered this as well, and they wished that more would quit the place wherefore they were born, for wealth would become to them wherefrom their people went.
Though their numbers increased, Jamaicans did not themselves further in prominence, and thus still they toiled with matters in which to them it was not bequeathed their proper merit and thus a rife lot retired to the suburbs and northerly parts of Toronto where pay was less so. There they extinguished not their petty funds, but abided in places which were freshly wrought or fashioned by improper constructions. Those who dwelt in Little Jamaica were subject to the same issuance but it was by the law dictated by consequence which sayeth an enclave is apart from anyplace, for they are more commune like.


The abodes in which new generations were now Canadian born, oft were taught that which their ancestors were learnt on the islands and coast of where the bore and where born, and thence a new age commenced, an age of Canadians with Jamaican heirship.

>>9080346
it really isnt but I doubt you'll believe anything i say

>>9080349
:(
sorry for being nasty

>>9080352
haha you weren't too bad so don't worry :)

For further explanation the reason I posted this was because my friend wrote it in the ninth grade which is why I was surprised. I think other than the needlessly complex language at times it's very impressive but I know pretty much nothing about writing.

b

this is pretentious garbage

>seeked

Reported.

>>9080411
This. The eloquence becomes transparent when you come across phrases like 'devoured remnants'.

>>9080429
lul

>>9080345
>>9080347

I like some of the language used. It feels like the narration of a fictional work. Theres a good contrast between the use of old language and syntax, and the subject of new age barbers, restaurants, New Age Canada and etc.

Like you said its a bit drenched in overly complex language. Classic case of flower writing. But that kind of thing can be dialed back by the writer if theyre aware of it.

There's underlying rhythm to the prose as well. But obviously as it goes on it becomes a bit more tedious as you can see it becomes more "Assignment" like. Trying to put in hard facts rather than the mix of narration and opinionated feelings of the time.

A bit of mixed voices coming out because of this

All round parts are impressive and there seems to be promise. If this were the opening to a novel and all the above was fixed. I would be interested.