My Story

I like the description of the parade. I can't quite see a direction with this, and the prose feels a little muddled. This feels like a stream of consciousness thing, is that the intent? Even so, the way you switched from parade to yourself to the girl was a bit rusty. Specifically where you mention there's a girl andy likes but you change to the parade and describe her a few lines later. I'd also be hesitant to so hamfistedly talk about the character's mental problems, people don't really think like that in reality, try to make it subtly apparent that he's an outsider by his actions, maybe he's standing alone looking at the parade or something

I'd just overall reccomend you clean up the text a bit, it feels very unpolished and reads like a students first draft. Not to say that there's not something good there.

Good luck

>>9067635
yea it is very rusty. im not a good writer

>>9067641
Don't be discouraged, I just mean I think with some mindfulness, and even reading the story back to yourself aloud, you'll almost instantly improve the quality

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cont part 2
I laughed, and she gave me an irritated smile. She tried to make it seem like she didn't like me bugging her, but she cant hide it when she finds it funny. We always bug each other in a playful way, but I don't think I ever considered it flirting until now. Now was different.
As we started to walk, she held my hand. My chest tightened. She had never done that before. I looked at our hands, and looked at her eyes as she was looking at our hands too. I held tighter and saw her smile and glance at me before she looked back down at the road. I wanted this walk to last forever, just the curiosity of tonight made my heart flutter, would I be able to tell her my feelings? Or will we just stay friends... I don't want tonight to be another hang out, I want it to be the last hang out as friends, I want her to know how I feel about her, but I don't know how to explain it. I never have.

>>9067646
This is good, feels very real for a teenage guy

>>9067646
reading this kind of stuff has soured my soul due to life not being a dream

Needs a good edit. Don't start with 'Christmas Eve' and when it is. Work that into narrative more naturally instead. I'd say 'it was barely snowing' would be the best opening line. Punchy, straight to the point.

There are several style issues, ie nutcrackers is a single word. I'd also remove any ellipses, but that's a personal preference.

Keep practicing OP.

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cont part 3
I unlocked the door and we both crept in. We both took off our boots and the rest of our snow gear and walked upstairs into the living room. It was just me and my mother, and she usually goes to bed around 8:00pm, so I had nothing to worry about her teasing me for having a girl over. Especially staying the night.

I clicked on the TV to CNN, the ball drop was in ten minutes. I turned around to see her already sitting on the couch, all snuggled up with the decorative Christmas pillow.
I sat down beside her, and looked at her in the eyes as she looked back at me.

>>9067664

Wait, the ball drops on Christmas Eve as well as NYE?

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>>9067666
DEVIL TRIPPS REEEEEEEEEEE

cont part 4
“Hey, what's you're favorite Star Wars movie?” I asked ironically. “Andy, I swear to god.” She said while laughing. When we first started hanging out, We would always watch Star Wars in my room and talk, we never really paid attention to it, but we watched Return of the Jedi so many times she had refused to hang out at my place if we watched it again, so logically... I just put on a different Star Wars movie. That didn't end well either. Now when ever I mention Star Wars she gives me a disappointment nod and smiles. As I awkwardly thought of something to say, she held my hand again. This time I didn't look, I was frightened and didn't know what to do again. “Whats up?” she said softly. “Not much.” I replied.

“Anything cool happen today?”
“Not really, do your legs still hurt?”
“Only a little.”
“Are you sure?”
“Maybe, your hands really warm.”
She leaned in closer.
“So is yours...”
I held tighter, and leaned in a bit closer.
“You seem pretty comfy with that pillow.”
She handed it over to me, and as I held my other hand out to it, she put down the pillow and held my other hand, slightly tugging at it as if to say-
“come here...”

>>9067669
BIG

>>9067673
> “Hey, what's you're favorite Star Wars movie?” I asked ironically.

Is Andy /ourguy/?

>>9067678
lmao

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cont part 5.
I leaned in, and she came closer. Our foreheads were touching, our eyes were closed, the crowd had finished counting down, and we kissed. I had found a feeling in myself that I had never felt before, I felt... Like I was me again, like I was done changing, The endless cycle of people that my mind had created to replace me had stopped, I was whole again, I was in love. We were in love.
The ball dropped, and as the hour ended, I had stopped changing. For the rest of my life I would stay as myself because I knew that myself was the best self I could be. There was no need to change who I was, she knew that all along. She knew who I was before I did. We cuddled for the rest of the night and kissed until we fell asleep on the couch under a thick Christmas blanket my mother had knit for me last year. She was laying on me with her head resting on my chest, her thick brown hair covered my arm. My other arm wrapped around her. We would go on to marry each other six years later, the best part about those six years were I got to spend them with her, not as a twisted persona I had accidentally slipped into, but as me. We loved each other till thy end and after. Forever and ever. Till the day we rested in the same coffin, On New Years Night.

fin

>>9067678

>do you like memes