The dove is light and navigates peacefully through the world,

derivative and trite

The gods laugh, no, chuckle, no, grimice, no cringe, at your pom pom foolery,
to think a petty mortal can speak a wise word or a few more than two,
what do ye know about justice, or weight,
how long have you carried the weight of wars and worlds
how much light have you brought forth, from the dark depths of eternities,
cavernous heartless heart,
what is a dove, or a million, to love, one, or many, might ask, or not
who is guilty for what and why
you are not envied, unless the word pitied hath been changed over night
the gods watch, as a tv attracts in times of boredom, when the thousand hour night seems to want of winding down
the gods envy...from from sanity regression into madness
the gods envy that?
the fallible follyful foibles of fucking fartly-fanciful fools?
a weakness as strong as that
all of you together could not lift the scales of justice what you would call an inch
much less her majesties dress
the gods have lived your life a thousand times a thousand thousand times before you were born
they only get younger
I will give you a tip
said I speaking to the scales
Law is not a haught firey flame
there is just ice
and it is sand running through your veins

>writes about 'the gods'
do u like the other sixth graders in yr class

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67KB, 641x481px

>>8993126

>>8993834
>the gods envy...from sanity regression into madness

Actually that can be enviable i.e. lots of people seek intoxication of some kinds, to escape the enormity, enormous glaring of their perfectly observant self. Its such a weird, interesting thing, 'losing', changing, distancing from, yourself.

>>8993126
This is a really great poem my dude. I wrote the 'response' last night, and just reading again now:
This line alone: The dove is light and navigates peacefully through the world

Is better than all of what I wrote. and your linear connection and all. The pacing, rhythm, flow, depth, imagery, all very good, kudos

>>8993126
>and the mad ape riding with nails dug into truth.

I hate giving any advice on writing, because I almost always feel, well, when I do its usually on quick gut instinct (which I tend to trust for myself), and really its just a , 'have you considered this, maybe try this see how it works', but I would hate for my contribution to make it worse, so I tend to refrain.

But the thought came to me, that 'dug into truth', when reading that section ending towards 'truth', its a little, not clunky, but lacking of the perfect smoothness of all the rest flow, at least how I read, so I thought maybe try the word 'knowledge' there? Though that does not have as profound a connotation as truth, it may at least how I read it, the speed and rhythm, be a better word for flow, a nicer cadence.

But as I said, if you end up using that, and it turns out to make the poem over all worse, in democratic or objective eyes, guilt will drive me mad

>>8995870
>>8993126
never even mind that, I just read it again, and think see how the speed and flow was meant, to land on truth, works... my bad