Does this writer have any potential? http://pastebin.com/qchpFRSc

>>8988548

name?

it me

>>8988548
Next time, post in the critique thread instead of making a new thread.

>>8988584
Floyd.

>>8988596
All right. Any comments?

>>8988548
Possibly, but first you have to stop Mary-Sueing and writing silly teen "I'm so cool" crap. Anyone over 22 couldn't read this without audibly groaning. Get rid of the first person, get rid of the inconsistent present tense, and think about something more interesting than Perfect You buying books and impressing imaginary strangers. If you can't, wait a few years.

well that was adolescent

>>8988616
I think it's supposed to be a parody of fake pick-up stories.

>>8988548
potential is a spook

>>8988548
>Walking from my also black car
this better be a joke nigga

>My attire was black and my hair was as well.
Picturing a nigga in FUBU with an afro

>>8988616
Admittedly this is a couple years old. I can post something that's a bit newer. I always look back on my writing and think it's so childish, and the next one seems to be a bit better.

I suppose that's what they mean by writing takes practice. Self-realization and criticism from others to remove the parts that suck and work on the parts that don't.

Thank you for the honest critique.

>>8988661
It was, actually. Originally posted on a pickup website to "troll".

>>8988676
A joke? Why?

Anyway, here is a much shorter and newer excerpt from something.

http://pastebin.com/r2tTmEvD

>>8988707
You construct sentences like a retard. If this was something you wrote as an adult, give up. Writing isn't for you.

>>8988707
At one point I thought it read like a cheesy story you would read in the "Reader Submissions" section in a Penthouse magazine.

>>8988716
>>8988721
All right. How can I improve? English is my 6th language.

>>8989420
If you are so multilingual then you should know that...
>Asian woman
>speaks incoherently
... is pretty racist. You know that's just her language, right?