Hi guys. So I wrote a short story for a girl I like. I plan to

Its decent. A bit tryhard, things like "bring one down onto our lips and exchange them" (with whats before it) and "a huge abyss seperated us" contrast too heavily with the tone of the rest of it. Could also cut out most of the last 2 long paragraphs, they dont add too much. I like the basic concept

>>8894869

Thanks for the feedback man! I reall y appreciate it.

Look, homie. You gotta improve your voice, man, that's the shit that girls are gonna want to hear. Not adding so many contractions, like "you're and "that's", it makes you sound super robotic. This is supposed to be really personal, so, really, just write like you're talking. Nobody says "you are" out casually like that, it doesn't sound genuine. Also, dude, you gotta step up your comma game, and add some complex sentences to this shit. Subordinating conjunctions are gonna be your friend, my dude, because you convey a lot of your thoughts through a simple sentence, immediately proceeded by a compound sentence. Cut those two into a nice, beautifully linguistic complex sentance, because, more often than not, she's gonna be more impressed with the flow of your writing than the actual content itself. Beautiful language can distract from aimless content, never forget that.

>>8894891
If you email it to me, I can edit for you, if you'd like. I got some time on my hands, here.

>>8894831
Post this in the critique thread, it doesn'y deserve its own thread.

>>8894891

Ouch. Yeah, I know. Spanish is my first language, and I only read stupid shit in english, so I'm probably bad at it.

>>8894904
And considering that, I'd be more than happy if you could edit it.

My mail is zwoopmugen at good old hotmail dot com.

Here's the revised version:

You are stupid.

"Well, if you are so smart, how come you are alone?"

Well, it's because I am also stupid. It takes a stupid to spot one, you see?

The first time I realized I was stupid, I was in love. I thought she was in love, also. We'd stare at each other's eyes, count the stars on the sky, lay on the grass smiling and a million other things stupid people do. And this was on just one day. So the second day, I realize I know enough about life to know what true love looks like, and that eternity started today. So I met her, and said "I love you" for the first time. She looks back, she looks down, she gets kind of agressive and says that I shouldn't say something so serious so lightly. So I grabed her hand put it on my chin, smile and say "I know. But what can I do? I love you, and that's all there is to it."

She spent most of the evening in silence. Suddenly, with just a few words, a huge abyss separated us. We didn't break up until she confessed she cheated on me. This, just a few days later.

Three years I pondered. "Why did I say what I feel with honesty when everybody says this is stupid?" Some said that it was my fault for saying I was in love before knowing for sure. However, as our favourite singer would say, how could they possibly know how I feel when the only one around here that is me, is me?

Anyway, the love never faded away, but my hopes did. So I moved on, and met other stupid girls, who also said they loved me before knowing for sure. Because, how could they know I was the one, when I knew that the one for me was someone else?

After many years I finally figured it out. The only stupid one was me. I was never in love and neither was she. I projected on her all the solutions to all my problems. I laughed at all her jokes. She could read my mind. So I ran off to tell her. I asked her to close her eyes and place her hand on my chest, and read all that I had found for her.

That's when she started to cry. "You stupid fool" she said.

That's when I realized I was actually very stupid, and I think you must be as stupid as me if you are standing here, rejecting my kiss when you're all alone as well.

(this is where you kiss me)

>>8894921
Aight, homie. Let me get to my computer, then I'll hit you back:) and, it's not bad, my dawg, just needs some revision, like all great works.

>>8894932
Thanks man. It's the first time I post here, and thanks to you, I'm very glad I did. :) Also, send me some of the stuff you have written. I love to have a good read.

>>8894912
You're free not to bump it. Thanks for reading! :)

>>8894938
Aight, dawg, it's edited! I sent it to you!

>>8894831
QOTSA?

>>8894831
>favourite

Dropped

Just kidding, I think its good, some twists and turns, and depth, and perspectives, and poetics, its just that theres a chance she may think your a pansy