what do yall think of this first paragraff

>>8797545
It flows well but it is hard to criticize with no context as to the premise of the story

>present tense

Disgusting.

>>8797611
thanks

its sort of going to be a collection of short stories all centered around this one secluded city which has a population of under 1,000

not really sure where exactly im going with it but i thought this would be an okay beginning

More like paragaff

>>8797545
The alliteration feels forced. The part about "lost...found...lost" is clumsy.

File: Celebrated_jazz_trombonist_Buddy_Dwyer.jpg (36KB, 600x655px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 600x655px

>>8797636

I like it. You're making 4th grade curriculum interesting.

>>8797545
>wagon's
>found themselves lost and found through
>horses sentence
>overcasting beard

its not great

>>8797545
>savage Shoshoni grounds

Sounds like something a white male would say

>>8797545
You're using alliteration like Elliot Rodgers used his car.

>the seven boys and eght girls
Why not just 'boys and girls'? Or just children? Do we give a fuck about their exact number?
>in black or blue ink
Did you mean to write 'black and blue'? Or is their ink quantum uncertain?
>train which ran by the rivers running through
>found themselves lost and found and lost again
Stop it
>fifteen minutes of each other over a period of six hours
Whats with you and precise information? Was it autism?

>>8798376
he's saying the teacher allows them to use only blue or black ink. which, now that i think of it, doesnt work with the time period.

>>8798376
>>8798429
but yeah its bad. even the parts that no one has pointed out are bad