Criticism

>>8753429


Mother of fuck.
Improve*

This pretty much made me want to gag, so cliche with some kind of "trapped in a video game" feel. Come on man, we can all be more creative than that.

Nigga stop describing everything, and if you have to, don't do it in past tense
>The sky was a bright blue, with scattered white, puffy clouds. The sun shined (??) brightly down on us, but (???) the temperature was a mild warm, and the cool breeze helped keep it comfortable
This vomit could be replaced with 'pastoral sight' or something similarly evocative. You don't need to tell people that sky is blue, clouds are white, and sun, apparently, capable of shining, stating the obvious adds nothing to it

>Starting with speech
No.

>Sentence structure is always "Subject->Verb->Complement".
>No vernacular
>Plot is cancer (I mean, you probably know this already, you did sorta just say it's just for prose betterig, but it merits saying)
>Not on pastebin
>No deep unknown references to high literature
>Word repetition

>>8753429

Your protagonist first describes a girl, then we find out he knows her by name. If you woke up and saw one of your friends your immediate thought would be their name, not their appearance.

http://pastebin.com/JQ9sQysT

Should I give up on it, lads?